Saturday, August 31, 2013

August 31 - Made It

Well, I survived August. I don't think there was tremendous fear that I wouldn't. I'm a bit sleep deprived, but still breathing. I'm hoping to start an exercise every day in September thing tomorrow, but we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, phew!

Friday, August 30, 2013

August 30 - I Get By With a Little Help

I've spent a lot of time interacting with Internet friends this past month, with VEDA and all, and Internet friends are great. We all did a vlog on how and why Internet friends are awesome. I am not debating that, nor do I mean to disparage my Internet friends. But I will say that it is highly likely that I am blessed with the best group of "in real time" friends in the world. We are open and friendly and for as large a group as we have, we pretty much all get along with one another. If someone new joins us for an outing, they are shown the same love, courtesy, respect and support as anyone else in the group. So while it may be amazing to some that they found friends on the Internet who accept them and love them for who they are, and while I love that about my Internet friends, I already had that with my "in real time" friends.

You guys know who you are, and you apparently already know that I love you because I tell you semi-regularly. But I am truly blessed to call you my friends. Thank you for making my life so rich and joyous. I love you. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

August 29 - An Explanation

I woke up in my bed to the sound of my alarm, my cat gently nuzzling my arm. I stretched and yawned, preparing myself to face whatever this Friday had to bring. A quick look at my phone, though, showed me it was Thursday, not Friday. I was sure it was Friday. This had been a particularly long week, and I was looking forward to it being over, so I knew it was Friday. Another look at my phone confirmed it was, in fact, Thursday. As my hand reached up to rub my tired eyes, I felt a small amulet around my neck…

It started with a noise.

A completely strange noise, yet oddly familiar. What was that noise? Where was it coming from? It was a sort of whooshing noise, with a whale cry and loud thump at the end of it. I was groggy and half-asleep still, and thought it must be my neighbors watching something on the television with the volume turned up too high. But then other noises followed – running, scuffling, shouting in the street. Not the usual shouting from the angry homeless man who likes to rage at God at three o’clock in the morning, but a different kind of shouting. Purposeful. Coherent. British.

I stumbled to my open living room window, intent on telling whoever was making this noise to button it. Instead, I saw large, muscular reptilian creature holding a tall, skinny man in a suit over his head in what was soon to be a body slam onto the curb. The skinny man held aloft a small glowing sphere, keeping it as far from the creature’s reach as possible. As if by magic, his eyes caught mine and he yelled, “Take this!” and hurled the glowing sphere toward my open window. I caught it and he yelled, “Run!” as the muscular creature dropped him on the sidewalk and headed for my apartment building’s front door.

“Oh shit,” I thought. I slipped on the nearest pair of shoes I could find, grabbed my keys, and ran for the back door, forever grateful that I had recently moved into an apartment that had both a front and a back door. I heard the creature rampaging up the front stairs as I bolted down the back and out the door. No sooner had I emerged onto the dark city street than a hand grabbed mine and again yelled, “Run!” We were off down the alley.

It wasn’t a long run, which was fortunate as the shoes I put on were not built for cross country sports. Also because what I saw before me made my knees buckle and I skidded and crashed to the ground. “Come on, get inside,” shouted the skinny man as he helped me to my feet and into the large blue box.

“It can’t be…” I stammered.

“It is,” he replied with a knowing smile.

“But…but…that’s a television show. It’s not real.” I could feel tears of joy and confusion and fear and anger welling up behind my eyes. Somebody had to be playing a trick on me. There was no possible way I was standing in the control room of a spaceship disguised as a police box with a tall, skinny man in a suit who had just told me to run. “Who put you up to this?”

“Up to what?”

“This. Who put you up to this, and where did they get one of these that is actually bigger on the inside?”

“It is actually bigger on the inside. It’s the chameleon circuit…”

“I know your chameleon circuit is broken. Everybody knows your chameleon circuit is broken. What I want to know is which of my friends thought it would be a fun joke to wake me up in the middle of the night to stage something like this, and how did they make the alley look so much like the alley with this thing inside it?”

“Oh, you’re a feisty one aren’t you?”

“No, really, where did they get the drops to hide the rest of the set?” I went for the door to take a look around and see how this marvelously cruel practical joke had been staged.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he warned.

“Why not?” I opened the door to the sharp teeth and hammer hands of the large, muscular reptilian creature.

“That’s why.”

I shut the door again and promptly fell on my butt, sobbing because I couldn’t not anymore.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey there. You’re okay. You’re safe in here. The assembled hoardes…”

“…of Ghengis Khan couldn’t get through those doors, and believe me they’ve tried.” We finished his sentence together. I had heard it a million times before, and here I was saying it along with him.

“Are you really him?” I asked.

“Oh yes.”

“But you don’t look like him. I mean, not the him I’m used to.”

“Well, they had to get an actor to play me on television, didn’t they? I’m rather busy most days.”

“So how much of it is real?”

“All of it. Well, most of it. Well, some of it. They have to employ a bit of a creative license from time to time, and some names have been changed to protect the innocent, and that bit that was leaked on the internet about me hating pears is completely false – it’s rhubarb I’m not a big fan of – but beyond that, I’d say it’s mostly pretty accurate.”

“And that thing outside?”

“Nasty fellow. Do you have the object I threw to you?”

I produced the glowing sphere from my tightly clenched fist. I hadn’t realized I was holding it so tightly that my fingernails cut small half-moons into my palm. “What is it?”

“That, my darling girl, could fix all of the Earth’s energy problems.” He rolled it around between his thumb and forefinger and looked at it with the reverence one might show a holy relic of old. “It is a dwarf sun from the Fizzigypsun System, encased in Midnight diamond. All of the power of a sun – the solar energy, wind energy, hydroelectric energy that can be produced from the natural nuclear reactor that is a sun’s core – in the palm of your hand. You could terraform a new planet with that thing, or plug it into your electrical grid here on Earth and voila! Free, clean renewable energy for everyone! Nice catch, by the way.”

“So what does Mr. WWF out there want with it?”

“There are two sides to every nuclear reaction. He prefers the side that goes boom, and I’m not about to let him blow up a planet of innocents.”

“How are we going to get rid of him?” I asked.

“Already done. Take a look outside.” The skinny man’s eyes twinkled in a way no human eyes can. The anticipation of seeing something familiar through a new pair of eyes had him as excited as a child on Christmas morning.

I walked back to the door and opened it slowly. A brilliant, lavender light met my eyes, momentarily blinding me as I stepped from the relative dark of the blue box onto what could only be foreign ground. The smell of lilacs danced on the breeze, which was cool yet comforting. Blades of soft blue jasmine grass brushed at my ankles, tickling me ever so slightly. A brilliant orange sun hung in the lavender sky, and in the distance, I could see mountains unlike any I had seen before.

“This is Fizzigypsun Six,” said the skinny man as he stepped out of the blue box. “The dwarf sun you are holding belongs here. It was taken by the Schlanglinial to be used as a weapon against the Fizzigyps, and you have helped me return it to its rightful place in the Universe.” He took my hand and squeezed it gently. “Come on,” he said as we walked toward the distant Fizzigypsun mountains.

Within just a few moments, we were greeted by a small fuzzy creature with six legs, four arms, and giant anime eyes. The skinny man introduced us, and then handed over the sphere. The fuzzy creature thanked us, bowed deeply, and then threw back its head and shouted a rainbow into the air that fell down upon us in a gentle mist of flower petals. The skinny man took my hand once more and gently led me back to the blue box.

“Thank you,” I squeaked out, once again holding back tears of joy and astonishment.

“Thank you,” replied the skinny man. “You were brilliant.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Oh, but you did. If you hadn’t come to your window, the Fizzigyps might have never gotten their sun back. You saved a whole planet, a whole species.”

“I just heard a noise…”

“You were brilliant. And now, you’re home.”


“Yup. Right outside your apartment, just moments before I landed, so your front steps should be in order.”

“Okay, but with time travel, doesn’t that mean you’re going to show up again in a minute and the whole thing will happen all over again?”

“No. When we returned the dwarf sun to the Fizzigyps, we returned it moments after it was taken. My chase with the Schlanglinial all over the Universe never happened.”

“So what happens to me, then?”

“When you step out of those doors, the paradox of you traveling back on your own timeline will collapse in on itself and this version of you will cease to exist. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“But I don’t want to stop existing. I don’t want to forget what I saw and the way the air smelled on Fizzigypsun Six! You can’t take me on a journey through time and space and then take it all away from me again!” I protested as hot tears of anger and disappointment began to spill down my face. “And what about the rest of reality, as my paradox falls in on itself?”

The skinny man approached me slowly, and gently took me in his arms. “Take this,” he said as he placed a small amulet around my neck. “This will keep the paradox limited to you, so the rest of reality will be unharmed. You will meld back into your past self, and you won’t miss what you never knew happened.”

“I don’t want to go. I’ve wished for so long that you were real and now you’re here and I have to forget about you.”

He held me for a moment longer. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He wiped away my tears and looked at me with those brilliant alien eyes, reflecting my sorrow and regret and loss and disappointment.

“Take me with you,” I pleaded softly.

“I can’t. Not this time,” he replied, stepping back to arm’s length. “This is how it has to go.”

He walked me to the door, and held my hand as I stepped through. “You were brilliant,” he said with a smile as my hand fell away from his. “Absolutely brilliant.

I woke up in my bed to the sound of my alarm, my cat gently nuzzling my arm. I stretched and yawned, preparing myself to face whatever this Friday had to bring. A quick look at my phone, though, showed me it was Thursday, not Friday. I was sure it was Friday, and as my hand reached up to rub my tired eyes, I felt a small amulet around my neck…

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

August 28 - Hair

I like my hair. Scratch that, I love my hair. It is so ridiculously soft that I almost feel guilty not letting people play with it more regularly. If I had a significant other just now, he would get to make his friends jealous with how amazingly soft his girlfriend's hair was. And it's red, to boot!

Thing is, there is always a week or two, every year, when the humidity in Chicago just goes bonkers and no matter what I do, my hair just will not behave. I get the half-frizzies, where the top layer of my hair decides to go for the Medusa look, whilst the rest of my hair just wants to chill out and hang on my shoulders. It's an odd look. Not my favorite. I generally end up pulling it back in one fashion or another to try to tame the wild and wiry fly-aways, but mostly, I just have to wait for the uber humidity to be over. The nice thing is that the week after uber humid week is generally nice and calm and I have hair so awesome, people should write epic love poems about it.

We are right, smack in the middle of uber humid week.

To try to combat the crazy today, I thought I would employ a scarf, strategically tied around my head (for a sort of headband look - none of that stupid "across the forehead" nonsense for me, thank you), and then braid it into my hair and tie it in a bow at the bottom. This is probably the most complicated hairdo I have ever attempted on a work day, and I can't totally see how it looks because I didn't do the braiding until I got to work, so I don't have the other little mirror with which to look at the back of my own head in the mirror in the bathroom. The thing is this - I have a ginormous head. And a tumor behind my right ear. Neither of which makes headbandy things very comfortable. Which means I've been sitting here with a scarf tied around my head for about six hours now, and I am dying to take it off because it is squeezing my head, but I don't want to take it off for fear of what my hair may be doing on it's own, and because I kind of want to be able to see my handiwork before I undo it.

I know, I know. Not the worst of problems. But I'll be glad when the humidity wanes and lets my hair be normal. The heat can stay; just cut back on the humidity. Thanks!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

August 27 - Unfit

I have lots of thoughts buzzing through my brain today that are completely unfit for the interwebs. I do not mean to say that I'm contemplating a public twerking marathon or anything that is unfit for the interwebs in that fashion. I just mean to say that not everything that happens in my life needs to be published somewhere where the entire world can read it. Sorry, Entire World. I love you; you know that I do. But some things, I have to keep to myself.

The problem with having all of these thoughts that are unfit for the interwebs is that it makes it difficult to think of something appropriate to blog about on days like today. I wonder if I had realized at the start of my Blog Every Day in 2013 project that there would be so many days when I just didn't have anything appropriate to say, and/or if I did realize that, why didn't it stop me from committing to blogging every day?

Suffice it to say, I'll have lots of thinking to do over the next few days or weeks or months and at such a time as I can publish the things that are currently unfit for the interwebs, I will. You might not be the first to know, but you'll know at some point. That's about the best I can offer.

And in the meantime, pizza.

Monday, August 26, 2013

August 26 - If Only I Was Getting Paid for This...

It's funny - when I see the super skinny celebrities walking around with amazing yoga arms, I think to myself that I could look like that, too, if it was my job to get up and work out every day. Because think about it, when they're not actively working on a project, but are still living off the royalties of sitcoms long since syndicated, what else do they have to do? They have to maintain their appearance so they will continue to be cast-able in this crazy business we call show. I don't mean that to sound derogatory. Often times, their jobs depend on them looking a certain way.

Well, I'm an actor, too, and often times, my job depends on me looking a certain way. And I am sure I have missed out on certain roles because I don't look a certain way. But what if I did? What would happen?

It is really easy for me to claim that I'm too tired or I don't have the time or whatever, but what if I changed my thought process about the whole thing and decided that it is part of my job to work out every day? Maybe not the best motivation for working out that was ever dreamed up, but I think we have all learned from my blogging every day and my vlogging every day and my taking a selfie every day that I am capable of committing to doing something regularly and sticking to it. Why not apply this to working out?

I think I'm going to give it a try. I was originally thinking I would start on September 1, once VEDA is over, but I will admit, I'm feeling a bit of a void this morning since I don't have a Hamlet shoot this weekend (and won't for a few weeks). So maybe when I get home, I'll do a little workout. See how it goes. Pretend that getting exercise every day is part of my job.

Wish me luck!

Sunday, August 25, 2013

August 25 - Haiku

Now is time for sleep
Hope for dreams most fanciful
Racing mind still wakes

Saturday, August 24, 2013

August 24 - Update

So as of today, I believe principal photography for episodes 1, 4, 5, and 6 of Hamlet are finished. There are just tidbits of episodes 2 and 3 left, with some various and sundry inserts and possible reshoots. Honestly, it feels weird. I've been working on this for so long. There have been amazing days and unsure days and frustrating days and those days where it was reinforced that acting is what I need to be doing with my life. It has been a roller coaster, and while it isn't quite finished for me yet, today felt sort of like the end of something. 

I'm not ready to be done with it yet. 

I am very much looking forward to seeing how it turns out. I hope it is everything we want it to be. I hope people watch and enjoy it. But however it turns out and however it is received, I will get to say for the rest of my life that one summer, I was Hamlet. 

Totally worth it. 

Friday, August 23, 2013

August 23 - Interesting

I watched video of an interview with Dustin Hoffman not too long ago wherein he talked about his experience on Tootsie, and working with the female make up and being disappointed that he was not a more attractive woman. He said that he knew he was an interesting woman, but he knew that many people would not give him the time of day. For him, Tootsie was not a comedy. It is a striking interview - go find it if you can. 

The thing about the video is that it made me very conscious about how I interact with other people, particularly people who fall outside of my own definition of physical attractiveness. We've all heard people say things like, "I don't need any more friends; I have enough," when spurned by someone they were attracted to, and I find myself wondering if I'm that kind of person. Do I make an effort to not get to know people who I would have no intention of sleeping with ever?

I don't think so, and I hope not. I know plenty of people who have no interest in sleeping with me (and I'm not saying that to garner pity or fish for compliments), but with whom I am very close. If we let our non-attraction to one another bother us, imagine the conversations and projects and whatnot I would have missed out on. But I do also know that I tend to be more flirtatious in the early stages of conversation with those I find attractive. That is not to say I won't talk to anyone, but it might take me a couple more minutes to warm up to someone I'm not attracted to. I like to think that I do warm up, though, and can get to the "hey, I really care about you and we have great conversations" point fairly easily. I don't know. I could be wrong. 

So do you find yourself judging books by their covers, so to speak? Do you treat everyone equally upon first meeting them, or do you discriminate based on your own beauty ideals? Do you let those ideals slip for a good personality? 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

August 22 - Note to Self

I need to be in a Pegg/Frost/Wright film. Find out how to make that happen. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

August 21 - Insecurity

Today's suggested topic for Vlog Every Day in August is to talk about your insecurities. "What makes you feel most insecure? Is this something you want to accept or change?" is how the question is posed on

The thing is this - I think I've given up on insecurity. I used to be insecure about many things, but I think I've gotten to that point in my life where they don't bother me so much anymore. To me, insecurity is an unsurety that becomes debilitating and prevents a person from doing what he or she really wants to do. If someone is insecure about her smile because she has no teeth, she will likely not smile. If a guy is insecure in his manliness, it may manifest in his inability to ask someone out who he fancies. And yes, there are things I would like to change about myself, but I don't let those things prevent me from living my life. I have a rounder tummy than I would like, I have a larger behind than I would like, and my skin still likes to think it is 16 years old from time to time and not in the good way. But I still go out in public without makeup (save eyeliner and mascara). I still flirt with men and wear clothes that make me feel good. I still get up on stage in little skimpy outfits if the show calls for it (the derby play, the time I played the hooker nobody wanted) and I own it. Insecurities are fears we have built into our own minds that are nothing but a waste of time and energy. So I don't subscribe to insecurity anymore. Instead, I know that I am a smart person, and a caring person, and a talented person, and an attractive person, and the sort of person who can hold her own in a conversation with just about anybody. The people who I want to know are the people who can see those things, and the people who can't...well, it's nothing to do with me. I like me, and that's plenty.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

August 20 - Fur

So I've been wanting to write a little something about this for a while and just haven't done it yet, so here we go. 

I don't wear fur, nor do I condone the wearing of fur. I'm vegan - I don't use animal parts at all, actually. Aside from my cat who is occasionally my pillow (though I never rest the full weight of my head on him) or my teddy bear. And I think fur is slowly disappearing from the fashion world, but then I'll see someone wearing a full-length coat with matching hat and I kind of want to grab them and shake them and scream. I don't. But I want to. And I wanted to before I became vegan. 

The thing about fur for me, though, is that it is just about completely unnecessary in the contexts it is most often used. I'm not faulting Native Americans back in the day or the Inuits or people who don't have another option, and who also use the entire animal. That I can wrap my brain around. Where I see fur worn most often is in Chicago on a forty-degree Fahrenheit day, or to the theatre, or as trim on some supermodel's outfit that was designed in LA for the fancy types who live in LA where it is seldom actually even cold. It is a luxury item that costs lives. I don't get the joy therein.

Some will say fur is warm. I don't doubt that. But there are plenty of natural and synthetic alternatives that are also warm. Some will say they like how fur feels. Yes, nice, soft fur is nice and soft. But to me, at least half of the joy I take in petting or brushing my cat is knowing that he loves the attention. The happy look on his face when I scritch him under the chin. The purring that always accompanies a snuggle. I like my cat's soft fur only when it is on him and I know that by touching it, we're bonding. Why on Earth would I want to pet a dead animal who can derive no pleasure from the physical contact?

I don't get it. I just don't. And seeing people wear fur just makes me sad. Why don't they know better yet?

Monday, August 19, 2013

August 19 - Creativity

The by-product of negativity is that it kills creativity.

I notice that when I get in really grumpy moods or let the little annoyances of the day get to me, I don't feel like doing anything creative. Hell, I don't feel like doing anything at all. I wake up in the morning, knowing I can do anything, wanting to tackle the day and make something brilliant out of it, but the negative energy seeps in and I feel like the day is lost. If I have to do something creative later, like write or make a video, it feels like a chore and like I have to start all over pumping up my energy level. This is bothersome.

Today, I fought the grump and made a silly little video for VEDA. It's not going to win any awards, will probably get thirty views maximum, but it was fun to make, fun to edit, and I have fun watching it. It makes me giggle. It started out feeling like a chore to make a video, but I made myself create something, and I made something that might make someone else giggle, too. That feels pretty good. That is one of the reasons I enjoy being creative, the buzz I get when I get to share my work with other people.

Now, if only I can figure out a way to keep the grumpies from making me dread seeking out that buzz...

Sunday, August 18, 2013

August 18 - One-Eighty

I was going to write a post today inspired by an irritation from earlier in my day, but I just had a really lovely conversation with a new friend and I don't feel like putting negativity on the interweb. It is way too easy to get caught up in the negative, and I find myself doing that more and more frequently, usually as a result of one or two negative elements in my life. And then I find myself forgetting the positive elements in my life, like my family and my friends and my cat. Or, if not forgetting them, not giving them the focus and attention they deserve. I know I've said this before, but I need to stop doing that. I need to stop focusing on the negative so much. 

So thank you to this friend of mine for the lovely chat, and for reminding me that even though one negative element rears it's ugly head, that doesn't mean an entire day has to be lost. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

August 17 - Happy Birthday

I'm going to be very brief today in saying happy birthday to my honorary sister. We met when I was about eight months old, so I don't ever remember not knowing her. She is brilliant and funny and gorgeous and honest and...she's just amazing. If you've not met her, you'll just have to take my word for that.

Happy birthday to one of the most amazing women I know. I love you!

Friday, August 16, 2013

August 16 - Update

So the new project that I added to my plate yesterday has since been removed because another person who had more time to dedicate to it was found. The director and I were both fine with that decision, so I'm back to my original slew of projects. 

Including Hamlet. We have about three days of shooting still on the schedule and then it's time to edit and do any necessary reshoots and get any voice over recordings and whatnot. I think the director is aiming for the end of the year for it to all be finished and viewable. I'm excited and terrified to see it. I hope people watch it and enjoy it. 

Which then begs the question of what's next? I have ideas, and I've had some preliminary conversations with possible collaborators, which have gone really well. And I sort of feel like at this point in my career, I have to just man up and do these things. Nobody else is going to do them for me and if I am going to have the career I want, I think I need to take control of making it happen. It is going to be a lot of work, but all worthwhile things are, aren't they?

I hope you are all doing well, and good luck to all of us!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

August 15 - Gluttony

...and because I don't have enough projects on my plate just yet, I'm now doing a show next weekend, too. Huzzah!

I apologize for the shortness of this blog - more details on the show will come along somewhere I'm sure - but yeah. Too much to do and not enough time in which to do it. Wish me luck and here's hoping I get to come up for air in September...

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

August 14 - Quick

I have so much to say about the amazing  meal I just ate, but I'm busy hanging out with friends at the moment, so I'm going to choose to live life instead of writing about it. I'll write more tomorrow. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

August 13 - Desires

I was thinking today about what people think they want, or say they want, versus what they really want. I think it was beautifully summed up in a post a friend of mine put on Facebook, partially commending Ashton Kutcher for his Teen Choice Award acceptance speech wherein he said intelligence, thoughtfulness, and generosity are the three elements needed to be sexy while all the rest is crap; and mocking Ashton Kutcher for then leaving the stage to go make out with his girlfriend the beautiful and rich supermodel. Granted, I do not know his girlfriend - she may be super smart and thoughtful and generous - but it was an interesting statement. 

In my real life, I know a lot of men who, when describing their perfect woman, describe someone who sounds an awful lot like me. Smart, funny, a little bit geeky, into sports, can take her somewhere fancy or just enjoy a quiet evening at home, enjoys Doctor Who/Simpsons/Arrested Development/insert your favorite sci-fi/cult movie or TV show here, good conversationalist, secure in her sexuality and whatnot, redhead, the list goes on. But when I see who these men choose to actually date and pursue, they tend to go for the insecure, unstable, "damsel in distress" types who usually come with some inherent drama that flies directly in the face of everything he says he wants in a partner. And I'm left scratching my head wondering what the hell is wrong with these people. 

Granted, when it comes to relationships, I'm hardly one to talk. On the simplest level, how many times have I promised myself I wouldn't date another smoker? And we see how well that has worked out. I say I want someone passionate, but a guy who is too passionate about me becomes "smothering," so I gravitate toward men who really can't be bothered and then complain of neglect. I say I want to be with someone who challenges and inspires me, but I am usually too intimidated by those men to actually pursue them. 

So what happens when we are confronted with what we say we want that makes either run from it or miss it completely? What is it about the human brain that makes us logically make one choice that we are then physically incapable of following through with? Is this something that changes with age? Will I get better at choosing the things I actually want in my heart of hearts? Or will I reach the point of honesty with myself where I say humor and intelligence really aren't that important; I want a hot guy with an accent and six-pack abs?

Whichever way it goes, I'm ready for some honesty in aligning spoken desires and physical follow-through. Is that just me?

Monday, August 12, 2013

August 12 - Mondays

I will admit that I am angry and bitter today. I know many of the reasons why I am angry and bitter, and I know that most of them are constructs of my own imagination. Most of them are things I can do something about, too, though one giant one is going to take a while. It's kind of stunning to me how this one bad thing can infect so much of the rest of my life until I end up walking around feeling like I am, in general, an angry and bitter person, because I'm pretty sure the opposite is true. Following days like this, where I become afraid that I am, in general, and angry and bitter person, I usually end up overcompensating and going overboard trying to prove to the people around me that I am not a bitter and angry person, that I am in fact nice and caring. My efforts often meet with little reciprocation, though, so the bitter and angry me has decided to not go that route today. I am, instead, going to allow myself to be better and angry for a bit. And then I am going to mention three things today that brought me joy.

1) I saw a rainbow.
2) I'm wearing a skirt that is so old the elastic in the waistband is completely worn out and it makes me feel like a 1990's slacker.
3) I listened to Frank Turner songs on my way home from work and his song "To Take You Home" reminded me that there are things in this life so beautiful that my face is too small for the smile they inspire. I'm okay with having this problem, though, and I will never stop trying to smile big enough to show my love.

Happy Monday, everybody.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

August 11 - Quick Tidbit

What I love most about acting is that it gives me a forum in which I get to feel everything. Today, I got to feel everything. I'm exhausted and impressed that my mascara stayed where it was supposed to be and my head hurts and my eyes are dried out and I'm oh so tired. But I got to feel everything today. I got to live today.

I'd say that's a pretty good day.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

August 10 - Summer

This is going to be another short post as I am trying to make sure I know all of the words for tomorrow, but as I am sitting here studying my script, I am listening to one of my all-time favorite sounds. Cicadas. 

I know, I know, they drive a lot of people crazy. But to me, cicadas are the sound of summer. They make noise when it is warm out. Those long summer evenings, sitting outside with the family or with friends, watching the sun set slowly - the soundtrack of those nights is the song of the cicadas. Thy bring up memories of the walks I would take with my brother and honorary sister. They remind me of the playground behind my elementary school. They remind me of sitting on the front steps eating fresh-picked cherries from our bushes and spitting the pits onto the lawn. They remind me of coming home tired and happy after baseball games, and of visits to Grandma's house. They are the sound of my childhood summers and I will always love them for that. 

So tonight, as I feel the summer slipping away, lost to work, days on set, and nights of study, I hear the cicadas through the open window calling back and forth to one another and I am at peace. It is summer and I am home. 

Friday, August 09, 2013

August 9 - Thought

There has been a lot on my plate this week, and there continues to be a lot on my plate. I think what I most need to remember is that there is still time. I have time and opportunity to think, to consider, and to plan. A well-planned decision is more satisfying in the long run than one hastily made. 

That being said, I still have a lot of preparation to do for filming tomorrow, so I am going to keep this brief. But no matter what is going on, There is always time to think. 

Thursday, August 08, 2013

August 8 - Knowledge

I sometimes wish I knew more about how odor and fragrance actually work. Then I might be able to understand why my city has smelled like sewage for two days and why suddenly, my office smells of three-day old fish.

Somebody hid a fish in the air ducts, didn't they? Gosh darn it.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

August 7 - Checking In

I wish I had something interesting and pithy to say. Words of wisdom to impart. But I'm on a bus in horrible traffic, going to meet people I don't know and know very little about except we all have one friend in common. I'm nervous. 

So I'm listening to a Frank Turner album that I haven't listened to yet and I'm loving it. I want to learn to play all of his songs. It's funny - I've not known of his music for a very long period of time, but his voice and his guitar are comforting to me. Maybe subconsciously, I decided to listen to a familiar voice singing songs I don't know as I go to meet strangers who are beloved by a friend I adore to let myself know I'll be fine. There is beauty in comfort, and there is beauty in pushing oneself beyond one's comfort zone in pursuit of something new. 

Huh. Not too bad for not knowing what to say. 

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

August 6 - Corporate Dress

I am not a fashionista. I think we all know this about me already. It is amusing to me, doing VEDA again this year, to look at my videos and realize that I have been essentially wearing the same six outfits for the past three years. I am not a fashionista.

The one time that this bothers me, though, is in reference to the clothes I wear to work. I wear "business casual" clothing to work. Albeit with Converse sneakers, but it's business casual. Nice trousers, nice blouses, appropriate sweaters, the occasional skirt or dress. I look...corporate. With sneakers. Not everyone in the downtown area has to look corporate, though, and when I walk around the corner to grab a sandwich for lunch, for example, I see guys walking around in jeans and Batman t-shirts and I become insanely jealous. My inner geek wants the ability to rip of my corporate exterior like Superman to reveal the Doctor Who t-shirt I wish I was wearing, so I could be easily identified on the street as a geek and a sci-fi fan. Then maybe they would smile and say, "Cool shirt," and we would know that a bond had been formed between two strangers with similar interests and we would go our separate ways feeling like we belong somewhere in the universe.

Instead, they see a girl in black trousers and a sweater set, carrying a sandwich and don't think twice about her. There is no bond, no belonging, no smile.

I hope that someday, corporate America starts listening to the studies that show that employees who get to wear what they want to work are more productive than those who have to follow some dress code. And that workers are more productive when given more individual freedoms, and that employees are more productive when they feel valued. So maybe someday, when I pop around the corner to get a sandwich, I can do so with my geek flag flying loud and proud for all my fellow geeks to see.

Monday, August 05, 2013

August 5 - Change

The thing about change is even if you see it coming, it's hard to prepare for it. And you still don't know it's coming. I was talking to a very dear friend of mine today who has been hoping for change for a long time, good change, happy change, and it finally looks like it may be on the horizon. So all sorts of annoying big life changes have decided to accompany it, and I can't help but think that that's how life works. The good comes with the bad. The bad comes with the good. 

For me, too. As we talked, I realized how many changes are staring at me just now from right around the corner. And I find myself in the position of getting to choose which ones to say hello to and which ones to ignore. It's daunting. We spend so much time hoping for change, praying the right kind of change finds us, but how often do we have the courage to welcome it when it arrives?

For both my friend and I, I hope we are able to choose wisely and that the changes that come to greet us in the coming months enhance and enrich our lives. Wish us luck!

Sunday, August 04, 2013

August 4 - Huzzah!

So we've all been waiting with baited breath to find out who is going to play the twelfth incarnation of our beloved Doctor. Okay, maybe not all of us, but I was scared. Honestly scared. What if he was worse than Matt Smith? What if it was another unknown with little acting experience? What if it was someone who they hired to essentially do a Matt Smith impression? Part of me did not want to know who it was going to be. Part of me wanted to avoid the announcement day and stay offline until his reveal in the 50th anniversary special in November. 

But I couldn't. 

I pulled up the Daily Telegraph website and kept refreshing the live blog until it announced...Peter Capaldi. In all honesty, I could not be happier. 

Capaldi has experience in a wide variety of roles. He's older than some of the others who were rumored to be under consideration, which I think is a good direction to go in, following a string of younger (or at least younger-looking) Doctors that goes back quite a ways. I think the Doctor needs to be played by someone with experience and maturity, but also with fire and energy, and I think Peter Capaldi brings all of those things to the table as he takes on this role. My best guy friend is concerned with how they'll explain his appearances in "Fires of Pompeii" and "Torchwood: Children of Earth," but I think time-wise, those are both far enough removed from this regeneration that they shouldn't matter too much. And on the up side, his previous appearances in the Whoniverse give him a familiarity with it. 

I am so excited for Peter Capaldi to take on this role. I can't wait to see what he will do with it. Congratulations to a brilliant actor on landing the role of a lifetime!

Saturday, August 03, 2013

August 3 - Love

My cat has been doing this thing lately that kills me. If I ever leave the front door of my apartment open for a minute, like if I'm running down to get the takeout food I ordered, or running down to check the mailbox, he'll come out onto the landing and stand at the top of the stairs and wait for me. I think he is afraid of stairs - he has never lived anywhere that had stairs, so I guess it's not all that odd. I have tried putting him on one of the stairs to see if he can figure out what to do with them, but he freaks out, jumps down and runs into the apartment. Which I take as further proof that he doesn't know what to do with stairs and is therefore afraid of them. But anyway, he'll come out and stand at the top of the stairs and wait for me to come back up. I don't know exactly why this melts me, but it does. My baby is anxious for me to come home.

And for those of you who don't know, today is Esther Day, which is why I thought it appropriate to talk about something I love. Esther was a girl, a nerdfighter, who died of cancer at age 16. When asked how she would like her holiday to be celebrated, she replied that she wanted it to be the day on which people told the people they love that they love them. She specifically wanted it to apply to non-romantic relationships. So today, on Esther Day, let me take a moment to tell you that I love you. Yes, you.

Happy Esther Day! Go tell the people that you love that you love them.

Friday, August 02, 2013

August 2 - Love

Real quick, before midnight, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright are amazing. That is all. 

Thursday, August 01, 2013

August 1 - August Projects

Rabbit rabbit!

Even though it is kind of late in the day for that. I did, for the record, say "rabbit rabbit" to my cat at approximately 12:03am, so I should be covered. I just like bunnies.

So as I have said many times, I have lots of creative projects happening in August, not the least of which is VEDA. My first video for this year has been posted if you'd care to take a look. There have been comments about me setting the bar too high or putting others to shame, and that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to create something that I have fun creating and hopefully other people have fun watching. I hope the other VEDA-rans know I'm not trying to "win VEDA" or anything like that. It's not a competition. It's a project and a community. Also, not all of my videos will be musical numbers with costume changes. Just so you know.

And tonight, I get to go to a screening of The World's End, whereat Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright will all be, so I'm kind of having a super geek day. Which started with no breakfast, so it's also a bit of a weird day. Anyway.

I have too much energy at the moment for my own good, so I'm going to sign off for the time being. Enjoy your Thursday!