December 24 - Holidays

Today, I did some holiday type things - I baked cookies, I wrapped one last gift, I listened to Christmas music. And it was actually quite nice. 

Maybe part of it is that I'm happy to be back in Chicago. Ridiculously happy to be in Chicago with my family and my friends and some time to spend. Not that I don't love New York. I do, and I've met wonderful people there and done amazing things. But there's something about coming back to your hometown... Go listen to Frank Turner's "Wessex Boy" so I don't have to quote it for you. 

But I'm also wondering if some of the stress and anxiety surrounding the holidays in previous years has to do with how long the season lasts. In some cases, it is two or three months of buying things and menu planning and making lists and checking things off only to find more things to do, and realizing that since you have more time, you can do more stuff until you're right up at the end of things and you feel like you didn't do enough because you're still thinking of more that you could do. 

This year, I was in a show in December, which are up a lot of my time. It meant I really only had that one afternoon in which to do my shopping. And now I'm in Chicago with one morning to do my baking. So I've had to keep things simple. Downsize. Which makes the activities that much more special. I think if you listen to "All I Want for Christmas is You" forty-seven-thousand times, it loses its specialness whereas if you hear it just once, it can be special because it reminds you that this time of year is different. So maybe that's part of my problem with the holiday season. It is so long that it doesn't feel special. But this year, in keeping the season condensed for myself, I am more able to treasure the time spent with my loved ones and the things we get to do together that we don't get to do any other time of year. 

I am excited to go to my family's gathering tonight. I'm excited to hug everyone and see their smiling faces. I'm excited to sing and eat and exchange silly little gifts. I'm excited for Christmas this year. 

And to my friends and family, I love you. Thank you for letting me be part of your holiday season, and thank you for being the highlight of mine. 

July 6 - Mom

On this exact day a few years ago, the world was made a better place because a certain woman was born into it.  Granted, she didn't become a woman until sometime after her birth - that would have been really painful for her mother and you would have read about the freakish occurrence of a woman giving birth to an adult by now - but you know what I mean. A girl was born who became an amazing woman and the world is a better place for having her in it. 

Happy birthday, Mom. Your kindness, generosity, love, and support blow me away. And for any of the rest of you out there wondering how to be a mom, mine is an excellent example to look up to. 

I love you, Mom! Here is to many more years of love and laughter and delicious Thai food. And chocolate. 

May 11 - Mother's Day

I think it has been well established that my mother is one of my favorite people on the planet. As it is Mother's Day, I feel the need to say it again, though. I can't be an easy kid to have - artistic, occasional depression, always wanting more and dreaming too big for myself. But every curveball I throw in my mom's direction, she figures out a way to catch it. And then she polishes it up and tosses it back so we can keep playing. She always has a kind word, always offers support, and is always thinking of ways she can help with my crazy schemes. 

Thank you, Mom. I know you'll say it's your job because you're my mom, but thank you just the same. I love you!

December 16 - Controversy

I have an opinion to express today, which may be somewhat controversial, but I think it needs to be said. 

I do not believe that breakfast foods are the pinnacle of the food world. 

This is not to say that I don't appreciate breakfast. I eat breakfast just about every day. But I'm not one of those people who orders pancakes at a diner every chance I get. Even before I was vegan, I wasn't all about scrambled eggs and bacon for every meal. And I think I have finally figured out why. 

My parents raised me eating fairly healthy food. We always had brown rice instead of white. Whole wheat bread. There was always fruit in my school lunches and yes, I always ate it. The closest thing we ever got to a sugary breakfast cereal was Honey Nut Cheerios. Or a boatlaod of honey added to Dad's Wheat Chex. And when my dad made pancakes as a special treat on the occasional Saturday morning, he made buckwheat pancakes and I loved them. 

I don't know if you've ever had buckwheat pancakes. They tend to be thinner, not as fluffy as buttermilk pancakes, but they have a lot more flavor. Surprisingly, it's a hearty, wheaty, sometimes almost nutty flavor. They are amazing with butter and syrup, or shaped into Mickey Mouse heads with blueberries for the eyes and mouth. And unlike buttermilk pancakes, they are filling. You can really only have two, maybe three, before you are stuffed. The only time I really had buttermilk pancakes as a kid was at my town's annual Fourth of July pancake breakfast, and my dad would remark every year that they mixed the batter too much and that's why the pancakes were always rubbery. 

So growing up, I got to choose between these awesome buckwheat pancakes that my dad made, or the rubbery, flavorless buttermilk pancakes I'd eat once a year in the Village Green. No contest - my dad's pancakes won, hands down. So to this day, I prefer buckwheat pancakes. They're even better when my dad makes them. But when you go out to a breakfast place, they never have buckwheat pancakes. Only those pale pillows I associate with hot July mornings spent eating rubber with plastic utensils. So I don't order them. They don't appeal to me. 

It's funny to think how the smallest things our parents do shape who we are. My dad was sharing his childhood (and a delicious special treat breakfast) with us when he insisted on making buckwheat pancakes. And it turned me into the kind of person who just will not settle for the sub-par pancakes served at most diners. And I am one hundred percent okay with that. 

December 3 - Holiday Cookies

So yesterday when I couldn't decide what to blog about, I asked Twitter and SuprMario suggested I write about holiday cookies. My guess is that she wanted a recipe or two, which I am not going to post here. But I do have a lot to say about holiday cookies. Or a little to say that involves a rather long story, so just bear with me.

I will admit that this time of year, "holiday season," is not my favorite time of year. It is actually probably my least favorite time of year, unless January and February are really rotten weather-wise. And I realize that my spouting vitriol at this time of year may be offensive to some, so if you'd like to skip this post, you are welcome to do so. There is a bit of a happy-ish ending, though, if you want to stick it out.

Like most small children, I loved Christmas as a kid. I grew up in a Christian household, so we celebrated Christmas, but I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up, so I knew about Hanukkah, too. I used to love going to either my grandmother's house or my aunt and uncle's house (they had a train around their Christmas tree) and eating warm things and sitting by the fire and opening presents with my whole extended family. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I have a particularly awesome family, and as I got older, I felt especially lucky that I looked forward to spending time with them at the holidays. I didn't dread it like the people on TV (and some of my friends) always seemed to.

But as I got older, holiday traditions started to change. My parents got divorced, and there was discussion about where my brother and I would wake up on Christmas morning - a tradition that stayed in place well after I had moved out on my own and didn't really stop until my brother got married. There was the going to church, but the church I went to changed from year to year (it was the same church my dad had gone to the entire time I grew up, but they changed things internally, and we stopped going to the church my mom went to when I grew up which is where a lot of my local extended family went), and suddenly, I felt really uncomfortable when they started doing Communion on Christmas Eve because I knew what Communion meant to the Catholic Church (we weren't Catholic) and it felt odd to just go up and take Communion without first taking Communion classes or having some big To-Do about my First Communion. I wasn't sure if I was supposed believe in the symbolic act or if I was supposed to believe in transmogrification or what - the whole thing just felt odd to me, but it also felt really uncomfortable to be the only person in the church not taking Communion. Suddenly, I felt sacrilegious on Christmas Eve. And I realize that they probably got tired of singing the same Christmas songs every year, but the music is the best part of the holiday season and they stopped singing some of my favorite carols all together (Away in a Manger, specifically).

Add to that the fact that once I was living on my own, I had the family gathering, church, my dad's house and my mom's house to visit for the holidays and even though they are all local visits, Christmas was turning into a 24-36 hour ordeal, with suitcases, toiletries, and different bags of gifts for each stop. This meant less time for me to prepare, less time for me to be an introvert, and staying over somewhere on Christmas Eve after going to a party and church always meant that my pajamas were cold. Cold pajamas are not Christmasy. They're just not.

I don't mean to poo-poo these gatherings. I love going to them. My brother and sister-in-law always open their home to the family on Christmas Eve and we have so much fun. It is warm and inviting and we laugh a lot and my sister-in-law always makes an amazing meal, including vegan options for me. And visiting my parents at their houses - my dad always puts out little dishes of candies and nuts like he did when we were kids, my stepmother makes us lunch (including something vegan for me), and my mom always has some delicious treat for us and warm conversation. My family is amazing and I love them and the effort they put into the holidays and the things they do to make sure I am included. I am really bowled over by the love and generosity they show every year. Thank you guys for that.

But it's a lot. And in some ways, I feel like the black sheep of my family. I'm an artist. I'm single. I don't have a lot of money. There have been many years when I feel like the gifts I have given my family are inadequate to show them what they mean to me. And I've also gotten to watch my family grow and change and expand so there are these little sub-families contained within, each coming with its own traditions that are specific to that little sub-family. I get to participate in the bigger picture Christmas, but I don't have my own little family (yet) with whom I've gotten to make my own traditions. I sometimes feel like I just get to ride along with everybody else's traditions - which is lovely. I love being included in them - but I'd like to build some of my own someday.

Which is where the cookies come in. There have been years when I haven't had a lot of money with which to buy gifts for my family. But flour, sugar, applesauce and spices are fairly cheap, so I can always bake them cookies. I get to fill my apartment with the smells of the season - apples, cinnamon, and nutmeg - and enjoy the coziness only a warm oven can provide. I get to pour all of my love for my family into rolling out dough, decorating cookies, and wrapping them into boxes or decorative tins. I can try new recipes or stick to the old favorites. I can make as many cookies as I have time to make. And by giving them holiday cookies every year, whether they eat them or not, I get to have one holiday tradition that is mine. That is my speed. That makes me feel normal.

So that's why I make holiday cookies every year. It is my way of coping with this season, participating in it on my own terms so I don't go absolutely batty. And in all honesty, I make some pretty damn tasty cookies. I'm just sayin'.

September 29 - Friends

I know that amongst interweb friends, the term "in real life" friends, or IRL friends is a thing. It denotes the people you hang out with offline. I know that some people, though, take issue with the term "in real life," because technologies like Skype and Gchat and whatnot make it possible to hang out with interweb friends in a way that is just as real, if not moreso, than in the way we hang out with friends offline. I have started using the term "in real time" friends to denote those friends I interact with in real-time conversations, as opposed to those with whom I communicate through a series of emails or YouTube comments. 

And I would like to state for the record that I love my in real time and my non-in real time friends dearly. 

But I got to spend time with my in real time circle of local friends a couple of times this weekend and I have to say, I am blessed to know these people, and honored that they consider me one of their own. They show me all of the time what generosity is, what kindness is, and what healthy relationships look like. I talk about leaving Chicago from time to time, and I know that if I ever do, I will miss these people horribly. They are my chosen family and I love them with all of my heart. I hope they know that. 

August 17 - Happy Birthday

I'm going to be very brief today in saying happy birthday to my honorary sister. We met when I was about eight months old, so I don't ever remember not knowing her. She is brilliant and funny and gorgeous and honest and...she's just amazing. If you've not met her, you'll just have to take my word for that.

Happy birthday to one of the most amazing women I know. I love you!

July 27 - Happy Happy

My youngest niece turns one today. Happy birthday, punkin'!

I also survived the filming that involved all of the words, and I think I got most of them right and in the right order and even managed to have some feeling behind them. Yay!

And I think my cat understands the phrase "move your face," which is what I say when I'm about to close the refrigerator door and he is trying to investigate the contents thereof. He does, in fact, move his face out of the way of the door. 

I hope to have words and original thoughts back tomorrow. 

July 25 - Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today my Dad turns 70. I just wanted to take a moment to wish him the happiest of birthdays, with many more happy birthdays to come. Love you, Dad!

July 6 - Happy Happy

There needs to be a word that encapsulates that person who is friend, number one fan, confidant, brainstorming partner, supporter, cheerleader, teacher, inspiration, and life-saver all in one. 

Oh, yeah! There is! "Mom." Specifically mine. 

I love you, Mom, and wish you the happiest of birthdays with many more to come. 

July 2 - Stuff

I had perhaps the best dream I have ever had last night, and I woke up angry at the fact that I have to walk around and function in this world instead of in my dream world. Honestly, there are times when given a choice, I would rather live in my dreams. Last night was one of those times.

In my dream, I was working with David Tennant. We were shooting a television show (I think) that might have been a sort of cop drama, or it might have been Doctor Who where I was the Doctor and he was my companion, I'm not sure. At one point, I think I saw myself in a mirror wearing my Tenth Doctor suit, though it was somewhat worse for wear, losing color in odd patches on the trousers. Oddly enough, what we were filming wasn't nearly as important to me as how well we worked together. We just clicked. All of the amazing stuff that can happen on stage when you're perfectly in tune with your scene partner and you forget that you had to memorize these lines at one point because it just feels perfectly natural to say them happened in this dream. I felt that "on." If one of us went a little off script, the other one was right there, playing along, making a brilliant scene. I kept up with him brilliantly, though I did feel a little bit like we were confusing or befuddling some of the other actors around us, and that some of the crew had no idea what was going on, but there were going to follow us and keep rolling no matter what because they knew they were capturing magic. It was also the first night in a long time where I didn't wake up twenty minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off, so when my alarm did go off, it startled me out of my dream and pissed me off. So I'm a little grumpy today.

But then I remember that in this world, I have an amazing, adorable, brilliant-beyond-brilliant niece who turns four today, and if I lived in my dreams, I wouldn't get to see her as much or give her hugs. So happy birthday to my favorite four year old. I'll trade David Tennant dreams for a squeeze from you any day.

June 30 - Quick Thought

Just a quick entry today to remind myself that I am blessed to belong to the family that I do. They are generous and loving and funny and brilliant and I am lucky to be counted among them. 

Love you guys. 

June 16 - Father's Day

I just want to say a quick thank you to all of the dads out there for everything you do for us. You make us who we are - literally. No, really, from a genetic perspective, at the very least you determine our gender. But then you help mold us as we grow up by playing catch and taking us bowling and making sure we have enough to eat and exposing us to MacGuyver and Star Trek and teaching us the joys of gardening and we never stop being yours. So thank you for that.

Happy Father's Day!

May 23 - Sweetness

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a blurb about a dad who stopped to pick up a piece of trash and throw it away to "make Mother Nature happy." I thought it was extraordinarily sweet and I kind of fell in love with that family that day. 

Today, I saw that same family again, the spunky little girl in pink sneakers and a pink coat, the quiet little boy walking a step behind, and the tall, bald dad, carrying a hot pink umbrella with a hook-shaped handle. As they crossed the street, the girl got a little too far ahead, so the dad reached out with the hook of the umbrella and snagged the loop on the top of her backpack so he could slow her down and steer her in the right direction. It was a simple, playful gesture that brought a smile to his face and a giggle to the lips of the little girl. 

I hope that if I ever have children, their father has as much fun with them as this man has with his kids. 

May 14 - Tuesday

Life is short and life is precious, so never miss an opportunity to tell the people that you love that you love them.

To everyone in my life that I am lucky enough to call a friend or family member, I love you. Please always know that.

May 12 - Moms

Moms are pretty great. They give us life, they clean up after us until we're old enough to do it ourselves (and sometimes even after that), they cheer us on, they laugh with us, and they always have a sympathetic ear and a Kleenex when we're sad. The magical healing powers of Mom hugs and Mom kisses have baffled scientists for years. They love us, in the purest sense of the word.

Thank you, Moms of the world, for everything you do. We wouldn't be who we are without you. Literally. 

And especially a very happy Mother's Day to my mom specifically. I hate to break it to the rest of you, but I won the Mom lottery when I got her. 

May 9 - Questions

I have to wonder, as I'm guessing most parents do, whether or not my cat is living the best life he can live. Is he happy here? Is he fulfilled and challenged? Is there something else he wishes he could have done with his life, or somewhere else he wishes he could have gone?

I don't know. I don't think there is a way for me to know. And unlike parents of human children, I can't really ask him. I try, but he doesn't answer. Or, if he does, I don't understand what he is saying. And I'm pretty sure that's on me because he understands certain words that I say ("food"), but I don't know the meanings behind many of his meows. 

So sometimes I just have to remind myself that as in any relationship, showing up is half the battle. I know he likes to sleep on my lap, so I make a lap for him to lie on. I slow down and take a bit of a break from my day and my to-do list so he can have a lovely nap because I don't know how else to make sure he is living his best life. I hope it is enough. 

Now, if only there was some way to find out where he stands in the "should we get a bunny" debate...

May 6 - A Story

A man walks down the street with his two young children. His son wears a light jacket and carries a red and yellow backpack over both shoulders. His daughter skips along in a pink parka with turquoise flowers on it and sparkly pink shoes with rainbows on the toes. Both are too distracted with the wonders of the city to notice their father pick something up off of the ground and detour slightly to dispose of it.

"What was that, Daddy?" asks the spunky little girl.

"Just some garbage that was on the ground," replies her father.

"Because we want to make Mother Nature happy, right, Daddy?"

"That's right."

The girl walking by in a black trench coat and hat cannot help but smile as her heart fills with love for this unknown family. There is hope for the future after all.

May 3 - May 3

Today is my brother's birthday.

I only have the one brother, so it's kind of a big deal. He is the only person, save my parents, who has literally known me my entire life. That's saying something, I think. And he's not the super-sappy sort, so I'm not going to get overly emotional here, but I would like to point out that he's a pretty awesome guy. He's ridiculously intelligent, very funny, extremely kind and generous, and he is a brilliant, loving, fun father to his two adorable daughters.

Happy birthday, Andy! The world is a richer place for having you in it, and I am so glad you are my brother. I love you!

April 13 - All the Loves

I got to spend quality time with both of my nieces today, separately and together. The almost-one-year-old and I "ran" up and down the hall. The almost-four-year-old and I played games and talked about dreams and danced. And all I can say is I went home afterward full of all of the loves.

Today was a good day.