I'm not counting family in this, or platonic friends, just so you know.
I believe there have been four men in my life who have told me they loved me in a romantic context. One is now married with a kid. One was married and divorced and is now remarried, probably with a kid. One was almost married, last I heard, until his fiancée called it off and he was devastated. And one was married when I knew him, heading toward a divorce that he is apparently no closer to or farther away from than he was at that time. One of these men, I had to stop talking to when we broke up because I was afraid of what appeared to be obsessive behavior on his part. The other three stopped talking to me. Or we stopped talking to each other.
I have to wonder, specifically with those other three, if they stopped talking to me because they had to rip the Band-Aid off, so to speak, and break all ties because it was just all too painful, or because they really weren't that into me in the first place so once we were done, it was no great loss. I feel very conceited as I say I honestly think it could go either way, and I know it was probably different for each of them. But I wonder if I am the sort of person with whom people fall in love hard and deep, or if I'm more of a fleeting fancy, like the fickle freshmen in the teen dramas I've been watching.
Like I said, I don't know exactly what made me wonder this today, unless it's the evil, evil television. In a way, I hope I'm the sort people fall hard for, because I like the idea that I might make people feel things. As an actor, I always want to feel things and make other people feel things, and that sort of bleeds into my non-actor life, too, I guess. And I think I'm secretly hoping that I still might find a guy someday who falls so hard he has no choice but to put in the effort to be with me, and that I fall so hard for him, I have no choice but to do the same for him. "Love is about all the changes you make and not just three small words."
Ugh. I think I just outed myself as a romantic. See? I told you this would be distasteful when written down.