November 10 - Cooking

I realize that I really have no right to complain about anything because things in my life in general are really good right now. That said, I'm going to complain about one minor thing anyway.

I miss cooking.

Especially this time of year, I love making a vat of jambalaya, or some soups, and storing them away for easy lunches and dinners throughout the week. There is something about taking the time to prepare one's own nourishment that is quite satisfying. But because of the craziness of my schedule and the smallness of my kitchen and the fact that I share a kitchen with three other people who are all omnivores, I've not cooked. I've not done anything more exciting than heat up soup since I got to New York. And I miss it.

I'm not malnourished, don't worry. I'm still eating healthy and in reasonable amounts. I just miss making some of the comfort foods I've grown accustomed to this time of year.

On the up side, where I live now is not where I will be living a year from now. My first apartment in New York is not my forever apartment here. So I can add to my list of things that I want in my next apartment, "a bigger refrigerator" so I'm able to cook and store food for myself from time to time. Probably along with "fewer roommates." I miss living alone, too.

Anyway. Things to look forward to.

September 12 - Coming of Age

I've been thinking a lot lately about the slew of young female pop stars or actors who "come of age" by turning into hot messes. I've been thinking about them much more than I would like to, but I do have a question and I'm not sure what the answer is, so I'm going to chat about it for a bit today to try to see if anything gels.

I think it is important to note, too, that young male stars sometimes come of age by turning into hot messes, but not nearly with the frequency that young female stars do (at least not anymore). There are the classic examples of Danny Bonaduce and Todd Bridges who grew out of their "cute boy" phases and got into drugs and got into trouble with the law and whatnot. I would argue that their shenanigans didn't hold a candle to Lindsay Lohan's or Miley Cyrus' or Amanda Bynes'. And when we look at young male actors now who find a way to come of age in Hollywood, showing their maturity often times involves wearing nice suits to premieres, or taking more dramatic roles in films. I will just throw out the names Joseph Gordon Leavitt, Zac Efron, Justin Timberlake, and Daniel Radcliffe. All of these men have grown up in the Hollywood system fairly recently and while yes, Daniel Radcliffe has now done nudity on stage and on film, all of these men have somehow managed to keep it together. Justin Timberlake is probably the one focusing the most on sex in his career (he is the one who brought it back, you know), but watching his videos and listening to his music (which, admittedly, I don't do very much as it is not to my taste), it appears that his image of what is sexy for a man is a more classic styling. Three piece suits. Suave appearance. He's not running around in a Speedo trying to be sexy.

However, when young women in Hollywood feel the need to grow up, come of age, find themselves, or make a break with the young, sweet image of their youth, they do so by eschewing clothing, taste, manners and sensibility. There is the occasional notable exception like Emma Watson who parted with her Hermione image by cutting her hair, but the vast majority of young starlets think that the way to "grow up" is to wear less clothing and behave like idiots. Lindsay Lohan. Amanda Bynes. Miley Cyrus. Brittney Spears. They embrace the idea that sex appeal equals maturity and naked equals sexy. Why is that?

I think a perfect example of this is the video for "Blurred Lines." Whether you are watching the version wherein the women are nude or the version wherein the women are wearing skimpy undergarments, the basic image is the same. Here are a bunch of men expressing their individual styles, all looking sexy in suits and sunglasses and whatnot, and here are a bunch of women who are completely interchangeable, all looking sexy because they are naked. I don't know the lyrics for the song, nor do I want to. I was so beyond offended when I saw the semi-clothed version of the video that now I quickly change the radio station whenever the song threatens to come on. I want nothing to do with the song, the message, or the image associated therewith.

Scratch that - I'm not going to talk smack about something I've never read. I just went to find the lyrics online and I can now say that having read them (or having tried to), I continue to be sickened by the existence of that song. Now I can make the fully informed decision to avoid the song at all costs.

Now, I understand that finding one's own sexuality is an important part of growing up. Children are not supposed to be sexy; adults are supposed to procreate. Somewhere in between there, you have to figure out how. Not to mention the role that sexual intimacy plays in our relationships, whether or not there is procreation involved. So I can see how equating "growing up" with "having sex" happens. What I take issue with is how this seems to have morphed into "growing up" meaning "ready to have sex in public with anyone who might be walking by because I am turned on all of the time." One can embrace and even advertise one's sexuality without it becoming the focal point of one's entire existence. Yet with so many young Hollywood starlets, that is the way it goes.

There are a lot of "coming of age" movies out there, too, about young men - high school seniors or college freshmen - who have set the goal of losing their virginity by a certain end date. When they reach that goal, they are lauded and applauded by their friends. For a long time, the women in those films (or those situations) were considered sluts. I understand (and agree with) the backlash against the idea that it is okay for men to be sexually experienced but not for women to be so. I understand embracing that idea and adopting the "I'm okay with my own sexuality and with my level of sexual experience and with my sexual appetite" attitude. What I see, though, is that our culture is still a long way away from fully accepting female sexuality. We still call those girls sluts. We still look down on them. Slut-shaming happens all of the time. All of the time. Women who are not particularly sexually promiscuous are still called sluts if they wear short skirts. It has nothing to do with her sexuality, really. It has to do with how those around her see her, and they see the short skirt or the low cut top as an invitation to touch, grope, and grab. Hell, I was riding a crowded train once wearing a knee-length skirt and the guy standing behind me started feeling up my leg and lifting my skirt's hem. I smacked his hand away and got off the train at the next stop. That had nothing to do with my sexuality, whether I am a slut or not, or what my relationship status with men was. That had everything to do with his fucked up attitude that women exist to pleasure men. If our starlets continue along the path they are currently on where twerking is the highest form of social expression, that attitude will never change.

So I understand the desire to grow up and find oneself. And I understand that it has to be difficult to do so when everything you do is so scrutinized by an unforgiving public. And I can see how public speculation regarding when a certain starlet may have lost her virginity or online countdown clocks to when a girl becomes "legal" can really mess with a girl's sense of self-worth. Or how they might push her to just say, "Fuck it; they think I'm a slut? I'll show them how slutty I can be." It still makes me sad how many young women go this route.

See, for me (and I know I'm the odd one here), I know now and have known for a long time that my brain is my most attractive feature. The few men I have dated have been attracted to me for the conversations we have and the various artistic talents I possess as much as, if not more than, they have been attracted to me physically. Because another way to separate oneself as an adult from oneself as a child is by gaining knowledge, wisdom, poise, and experience. Take Emma Thompson, Helen Mirren, or Cate Blanchett, for example. They each have more sex appeal in a wisp of hair than Lohan, Bynes, and Cyrus combined. They are intelligent, wise, humorous, poised, and talented. These qualities are what make them sexy and attractive, whether they dye their hair pink, choose to wear acrylic stripper heels, or not.

Can we find a way to teach our daughters that? Can we teach our daughters that intelligence and compassion and humor are sexy? Yes, the onus goes on our sons, too, to know that women do not exist solely for their pleasure and that when a girl says no, she means no, and that women are to be respected and treated as equals, regardless of whether or not looking in the general direction of her genitalia makes you feel all tingly. But I think as long as we have generations of starlets being told by their managers and agents and associated yes-men that they won't be taken seriously unless they're willing to bare it all (literally), young girls looking up to those starlets are going to grow up believing that in order to grow up, they have to get naked.

I don't want my nieces to grow up that way. I don't want my nieces to feel that kind of pressure to look a certain way or behave a certain way in order to prove that they are grown up. I want them to know that they are amazing young women (or will be - the oldest is currently four, so even in my pseudo-feminist world, she's a little young to be called a woman) who are valued for their hearts, minds, and souls as well as their bodies. I want my nieces to be able to come of age without becoming hot messes. Is that really so much to ask?

September 4 - One of Two

Okay, one of two things needs to happen here. Either

1. I need to train myself to only develop crushes on men who it is appropriate for me to have crushes on, or 
2. I need to train myself to always know that my crushes are just crushes and nothing will ever come of them.

You thought this was going to be the first of a two-part blog, didn't you? Sorry about that. Make that the third thing to put on my list - I need to train myself to title my blogs more appropriately. But back to the subject at hand.

I did not add "stop having crushes all together" to the list because honestly, I like having crushes. I feel a little weird if I don't have a crush on anyone. Like when I found out my favorite actor was getting married so I had to sort of tone it down in my own mind and realize that even if we do meet someday, the most I can ever hope for is working with him, I didn't really have anyone else on whom to focus my affections and I felt a little empty. Granted, he did not know he was the focal point of my affections, and (I would like to think) many of my crushes never do. My affections usually amount to me thinking about someone and hoping they are having a lovely day. I'm serious. I don't turn into crazy obsessed stalker, I just hope the person I have a crush on is having a lovely day. Eventually, I realize that he's having a lovely day with out me just about every day and my expending this energy hoping he's happy is really getting me nowhere, so I give up and find a new crush. It is a very self-contained process that just gives me someone to think about on occasion.

My goodness, I sound like a lunatic, don't I?

But to me, that's what crushes are. These little periods of time when I think a certain person is particularly groovy so I hope good things come to that person. That's it.

Where it becomes problematic is when the person on whom I have a crush is not the sort of person on whom I should have a crush. For example, he's married, or he's fifteen years outside of my age range, or he lives on the opposite side of the planet. Granted all of these things are things that may not seem like a big deal to other people (except hopefully the married one), but to me, they mean that nothing will ever come of my crush beyond the crushing realization that my affections will never be reciprocated.

So how do I balance the desire to have a crush with the desire to avoid wasting all of my energy on people who are really groovy but will never be my life partner? It boils down to two choices - either I train myself to not develop crushes on inappropriate people, or I train myself to know that these little crushes are just little crushes from which nothing further will develop.

Knowing me, I should aim for the second. Because no matter how many times I tell myself I shouldn't like the 48 year old on the other side of the planet, sometimes he's just so cute, I can't help it.

August 13 - Desires

I was thinking today about what people think they want, or say they want, versus what they really want. I think it was beautifully summed up in a post a friend of mine put on Facebook, partially commending Ashton Kutcher for his Teen Choice Award acceptance speech wherein he said intelligence, thoughtfulness, and generosity are the three elements needed to be sexy while all the rest is crap; and mocking Ashton Kutcher for then leaving the stage to go make out with his girlfriend the beautiful and rich supermodel. Granted, I do not know his girlfriend - she may be super smart and thoughtful and generous - but it was an interesting statement. 

In my real life, I know a lot of men who, when describing their perfect woman, describe someone who sounds an awful lot like me. Smart, funny, a little bit geeky, into sports, can take her somewhere fancy or just enjoy a quiet evening at home, enjoys Doctor Who/Simpsons/Arrested Development/insert your favorite sci-fi/cult movie or TV show here, good conversationalist, secure in her sexuality and whatnot, redhead, the list goes on. But when I see who these men choose to actually date and pursue, they tend to go for the insecure, unstable, "damsel in distress" types who usually come with some inherent drama that flies directly in the face of everything he says he wants in a partner. And I'm left scratching my head wondering what the hell is wrong with these people. 

Granted, when it comes to relationships, I'm hardly one to talk. On the simplest level, how many times have I promised myself I wouldn't date another smoker? And we see how well that has worked out. I say I want someone passionate, but a guy who is too passionate about me becomes "smothering," so I gravitate toward men who really can't be bothered and then complain of neglect. I say I want to be with someone who challenges and inspires me, but I am usually too intimidated by those men to actually pursue them. 

So what happens when we are confronted with what we say we want that makes either run from it or miss it completely? What is it about the human brain that makes us logically make one choice that we are then physically incapable of following through with? Is this something that changes with age? Will I get better at choosing the things I actually want in my heart of hearts? Or will I reach the point of honesty with myself where I say humor and intelligence really aren't that important; I want a hot guy with an accent and six-pack abs?

Whichever way it goes, I'm ready for some honesty in aligning spoken desires and physical follow-through. Is that just me?