Wednesday, February 28, 2007

So I realized today that February is almost over, meaning it has been just over a year since I left my job as a paralegal in order to be an artist. I went back and looked at my blog entries from February of last year, just to see where I was and whatnot. Admittedly, I still have the money worries from time to time. But right before I left my job, I was so excited and had so much potential. Within two weeks, I was panicked, lethargic, and ready to throw in the towel. Almost. And I owe it all to the guy I was dating at the time.


I'd like to be able to take some of the responsibility for my feelings at that time. But the change in me was drastic. Going back and reading February of last year almost made me cry. I don't remember him ever telling me I was beautiful or talented. He never saw me perform. He saw me run tech for two shows, but he never saw me perform. I don't remember him being supportive of my career or even really interested in my life. Maybe at the very beginning in an attempt to impress me, but that didn't last very long. I remember him telling me his stories, often times the same ones, over and over and over again. I remember him telling me how busy he was, but never really asking me to participate in any of it, and never really willing to make time for me. I remember him getting distant. And then it was over. He met someone else. Another redheaded swing dancer. Someone I knew (kind of). She's a great girl; I can't really blame him for wanting to date her. But I'm a great girl, too, and somewhere, you can see it starting in those last two weeks of last February, somewhere, I lost sight of that and I don't know that I found it again yet. I don't have the faith in myself that I had before I started dating him. I don't have the enthusiasm and excitement about my career. I've settled into what is safe.

And I'm angry with him still and that pisses me off even more. I got a random text message from him today, advertising one of his shows and I didn't recognize the number, so I asked who it was and it was him and I was angry. Why the fuck would I want to go support one of his shows? I'm angry that he took my confidence. I'm angry that I let him destroy my self-image. And I'm angry that I never yelled at him or told him what a jackass he was to me. Yes, I let him do all of those things. Yes, I let him get away with it. Yes, I'm a big girl and I'm responsible for my own feelings and I knew at the time that he was a player and I should have been more careful. And I know that there are people out there who are saying, "I warned you, but you didn't want to listen." Even in my journal entries, I say I know he's going to hurt me and he did. And I let him. And he has no fucking right to ask me to come see one of his shows. Why the hell does he even still have my number? I deleted his months ago.

And I think what makes me angriest is I was a really cool person before I met him and I'm not back there yet. It's like starting all over. Rebuilding my faith in my abilities. Rebuilding my sense of self as a desirable, attractive, intelligent woman who people want to be around. I should have been putting together a band a year ago, but I didn't have the confidence in my ability to do so. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I was better than that. I thought I was tougher than that.

So now I have a guy in my life who tells me daily that I'm beautiful and it's different from day to day whether or not I believe him. He treats me really well and I'm not sure I deserve it. And you all are going to tell me that I do and it will be different from day to day whether or not I believe you. And how do I explain to him that I'm not still hung up on the other guy, but it still makes me want to cry when I get a random text message from him because he still makes me feel worthless?

Please don't ever let a boy (or girl) make you feel worthless. You're not. And there's no telling what you'll do, where you'll go, or how hard it will be to get back once you've started down that road. If nothing else, if you need just one little thread to hang onto, please know that you mean a lot to me. I love my readers. I miss you guys when I'm not posting here every day. I need to fix that, I know. But even when I'm not posting daily, I am thinking about you and I love that you come here and read my drivel. Thank you for that. And don't ever let anyone make you feel worthless.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

So I'm a little annoyed with the weather people in Chicago. They told me that the worst of the winter weather was over and then today we get a sleet storm. Not quite rain, not quite snow, but very annoying nonetheless.

And there is one particular brand of soy ice cream that makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to be lactose intolerant, 'cuz this stuff, tasty as it is, just doesn't agree with me.

And I shouldn't be allowed to watch the Oscars anymore. At least not until I'm invited to attend. But I love it that the song from Inconvenient Truth won, despite the fact that it was up against three songs from Dreamgirls. That made me happy.

And now to bed. I got an early morning and a long day ahead of me.

And done.


Thursday, February 22, 2007

So I need to ask for your help on something.

A couple of years ago, I appeared in a student film for a friend of mine. A really talented filmmaker, this kid. Anyway, he has now submitted it to the reality show "On the Lot," which is like Top Chef or America's Next Top Model or American Idol or whatever, but for filmmakers. I don't know all of the prizes at stake or whatever, but I do know that this guy is a really good filmmaker and he should be in this contest. In order to do that, though, we need a lot of people to go watch this film and leave comments and vote for it and stuff. You can find it here. Watch it. Enjoy it. Love it. Vote for it. Tell all of your friends to vote for it. And with any luck, we'll get it on TV.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007


I only have a minute, but I want to share two things that I am extraordinarily happy about.

One: The outdoor air temperature is above freezing. It had been over three weeks since we'd seen 32 degrees Farenheit or above, and now we're on day two in a row of above freezing weather. All of the weather guys seem to think that the worst of the winter is behind us. We could even see 50 by the weekend. Yay!!!

Two: Spring training has started and they're reporting about baseball on the news. I got to see Mark Prior throw a pitch the other day. And I think it may have even been Mike Barrett catching it. I know I miss baseball when it's not baseball season, but I never realize how much until I see my boys in blue again, on the field, doing what they love to do. It's like seeing my best friend after years of not. All feels right with the world again because the Cubs are playing baseball. Tickets go on sale this Friday! Yay!

Hope you all are well. Gotta run and do some "work."

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

So happy Valentine's Day!

I'm not used to having a valentine on Valentine's Day. Usually, I don't. Or my mom or my cat or something is my valentine. I'm not used to this being a romantic day at all, so this year, I'm a little confused. Normally, I wear black on Valentine's Day, Just, you know, to wear black. Also because about 90% of my wardrobe is black, white and grey. But today, because of the confusion, I'm wearing a sort of dirty/dusty rose colored shirt, underneath my black death hoodie that has a skull on it. It's the kind of dirty/dusty rose color that a man might wear in some movie that takes place in Mexico, so it's not really that girlie. It's just a color, and I don't normally wear colors. But then we have the black death hoodie on top to counteract the girlieness of the whole ensemble. Still feels a little strange, but I'm going to try it on for a day and see what happens.

And in other news, we had a blizzard here yesterday. Not as bad as in upstate New York, mind you, but apparently a blizzard is defined as a sustained period of time (3 hours or more) with 35+ mph winds and snow. We had that yesterday at the lakefront. And surprisingly, my car was not buried. I went out to it this morning to see how awful it was and it really wasn't awful at all. Not much snow on the actual car, though there was a nice sort of wall built up around it. Fortunately for me, when I got there, the guy behind me was leaving, and he had the end spot on the block. So I dug out my car, "shoveled" aside the snow behind it (I put shoveled in quotes because I don't own a shovel -- I used my hands and the brush thingy that I had been using to wipe the snow off of my car), and backed up into the end space on the block. Meaning when I do actually go to get my car out, hopefully I can just back out and go, instead of having to do the back and forth, gun it over the mound of snow the plows built up next to it thing. But I'm still going to avoid driving as much as I can for the next couple of days. Once I get out of this spot, finding another one could prove to be a challenge.

So yeah, happy Valentine's Day. I love you guys. You know this, yes? Wherever you are, be safe and warm and let everyone you know know that you love them. Today and every day.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I know I've said it before, but I think we all need to readjust our calendars. Seriously, we're off by a month or so. It was in the sixties in December, and here we are in February anticipating a foot of snow. A foot of snow in the middle of February. This seems much more like December or January weather to me. If we all just decided, as a collective, to redo January (because let's face it, this January wasn't all that great to begin with), then our weather would make a lot more sense. And we'd all get an extra paycheck this year. And an extra month to do our taxes. I'm scared to do my taxes this year -- I know they're going to be a mess and I'm either going to end up getting a million dollars back or paying every last cent that I have. I guess I should just do them and get it out of the way, huh?

Wherever you are, I hope you're warm and safe and your taxes aren't scaring you.

Monday, February 12, 2007

I'm an aunt!

Kind of. But not really.

My best friend had her baby yesterday. Happy, healthy, beautiful little girl. My friend is sending me pictures and I have to say, she is especially cute. But then, I always knew she would be. I just wish they didn't live so far away! I can't wait to meet her!

Happy birthday, Sara. Welcome to this crazy world. Your Aunt Kitty loves you very much.

Friday, February 09, 2007

You know what would make me insanely happy? If I had two days in a row wherein I didn't have to do anything. I'm not saying I wouldn't do anything. I would. I'd work on music or sew or play with my cat or hang out with the boy or whatever. But two days in a row without work or shows or rehearsals or what have you. *sigh* Sounds like a luxury to me. Other people call it "weekends."

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

So this show I'm in opens tonight. Kind of excited. Kind of nervous. I'm hoping the nervous will turn into energy for the closing number. I feel pretty good about the rest of the show; it's just the closing number that has me a little worried. We just got the song about a week ago (if that) and we learned the choreography on Sunday, so if it's not sparkling, that's why. But we should all be able to sell it anyway. We're actors! That's what we do. But yeah, we open tonight. I love opening night in general. All of our hard work starts to pay off.

Wish us luck! Or broken legs, actually.

Friday, February 02, 2007

My heat works. It was 72 degrees in my apartment when I woke up yesterday. It was 76 degrees in my apartment by the time I left for work this morning. Considering it had been between 62 and 64 degrees in my place on any given morning, may I just take a moment to say that I now have the best 8-14 degrees of heat in my apartment ever? I don't know if you realize how big of a temperature change occurs in those 8-14 degrees, but let me tell you, it's wonderful. I'm happy to be at home now, working on stuff, not just curled up under a blanket. Though I do still like to be curled up under blankets with my cat. There is very little in life that is nicer than that.

So yay heat! Oh, and I'm still trying to get used to the "b" word. Gimmie some time and I'll tell you more about it. Maybe.