Monday, March 31, 2003

And now to switch from Monday morbidity to Monday mundaneness.

The long and the short of the story is that I did sign up on a couple of online personals sites so that I could respond to a couple of people. I responded, as did they, and I met one of them yesterday for mid-afternoon food. It wasn’t really lunch and it wasn’t really dinner and there was no slice of cantaloupe at the end of the meal. But it was nice. I had a good time. But it made me acutely aware of what a mutant I am in today’s dating scene. I didn’t make myself up to look any nicer than I do on a typical day. I didn’t smile and nod and agree with everything he had to say in the hopes that he would like me. I flirted a little, but not a lot. I was me. He apologized at one point for not being the typical guy across the table and I replied that there is no typical guy across the table. I felt like apologizing for not being the typical girl across the table. I know who I am and I know what I want and I’m not going to play games to try to force something to happen that might not be supposed to happen, you know? I am looking for a man who is going to fall in love with me as I am. I am, therefore, not going to pretend to be something I’m not to get him to like me and then hit him with reality down the line. This is who I am. If you like that, fine. If you don’t, fine. And while a lot of women may say things like that, how many of them actually believe in that enough to follow through on it? I’m guessing not a lot. And I’m not sure whether it is a good thing or a turn-off.

Though I have to say that I really enjoy just being myself. I met a bunch of new people this weekend and I really like not putting up a front for anyone. It is very relaxing and un-stressful. And though I don’t know if anyone of them fall in love with me for who I am, I think it is probably pretty safe to say that a lot of people like me for who I am. And that’s a pretty comforting thought.
I heard on the radio this morning that one US soldier was killed in a particular battle over the weekend. My heart goes out to his family.

I can’t imagine having a loved one fighting in a war. Hearing constant reports on the radio that so many people were killed and wondering if my father/brother/sister/daughter/husband/ boyfriend/uncle/nephew was among the casualties. And the devastation that must come with finding out that yes, they were. We send off our loved ones to undisclosed locations praying that we will see them again, knowing that we might not. I can’t imagine getting a letter from said loved one one day and finding out the next that he/she is dead. Or even worse, finding out he/she is dead and getting a letter in the mail a couple of days later that was sent just before he/she was killed. And would it be better or worse to know that your loved one was the only one killed in a particular battle, or that your loved one was one of hundreds killed in a massive attack. I can’t even begin to imagine an answer to that question.

I am sorry that the state of things has come to this. I am sorry that there are men, women, and children losing their lives on a daily basis halfway around the world. I am sorry that mothers and fathers are losing their children. I am sorry that men and women are losing their spouses. I am sorry that so many people are grieving right now. I am grieving with them. Come home soon.

Friday, March 28, 2003

So now that I am finding myself with more things to do at work, I also find myself in an interesting moral position. I am going to be forced to view the world of health care as a business. A money-making enterprise. Which makes me very sad, in all honesty. It gets hard after a while to listen to people talking about how we need to bring in more patients. And how it’s better for us if they are inpatients as opposed to outpatients. It’s like I’m forced to wish these horrible maladies on people I have never met. The last thing I wish for anyone is a prolonged hospital stay. Hospitals are depressing and I don’t wish illness on anyone. I watched my stepmother wither away from cancer and I know how horrible that is. I watch my family wither away with old age and I know how horrible that is. What kind of a person must I be to hope that people get sick so they can come to our hospital?

I guess it will be a matter of perspective for me. People will get sick, whether or not I want them to. Bad things happen, often times to good people. And I am working in a position now to try to get the best possible care to the greatest number of people so that they can get well and lead happy, healthy, productive lives. Just please pardon me if I tune out for a minute while my superiors argue about who is paying for this health care at what rates.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

And also for the record, while spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors and web-speak abbreviations (i.e. ttyl, cu2nite, l8r, and so on) in general drive me nuts, there are a few alternate spellings for words that I not only approve of, but would like to encourage the adoption of into everyday English. Two such shining examples are pance and laff. These words are not just other words spelled wrong; they stand for very specific instances of the word from which they were derived.

Pance are really interesting or unusual pants. To say “bondage pants” would not be as appropriate as “bondage pance.” Same with “zebra-striped sequined pleather pance with buttons on the ass.” To use “pants” in such an instance would imply that everyone has zebra-striped sequined pleather pants with buttons on the ass when we all know that statistically, only about 34% of the population has them. Therefore, I would like pance to be adopted into the English language as a modified version of the word pants. Eskimos have words for all of the different kinds of snow they have, why can’t we have two words for different kinds of pants?

Laff is a derivative of laugh. But to laff is to laugh at something so stupid you feel dumb for laughing in the first place, but you just can’t help yourself. When one goes to see Jackass, one will probably laff (or have a laff, as laff can also be a noun). When one goes to see a Charlie Chaplin film, one will laugh. Make sense?

So, if in the future, you see the words pance and laff peppered throughout my entries, there is no need to alert me to spelling errors. It is a conscious choice on my part to employ those words. Same for when I borrow Moby’s phrase I lined on to the interweb to browse some webstations or pieces thereof.

Thank you for your time.
For the record, I know that the war in Iraq is not a black and white situation. I know that there are a lot of things that were taken into consideration before action was taken and that the action that is being taken was deemed the best course of action by the guys in power who have the most information. I know these things. That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like wars in general. That I still find myself wishing a different course of action was deemed the best course of action. And no, I don’t have a suggestion for what that course should be because I don’t have all of the information, which is why I’m mostly hoping that this whole thing is over soon and with as few casualties as possible.

And please keep in mind, dear reader, that I am just a person. I get emotional sometimes. And this is my blog – the place where I come sometimes for the express purpose of being emotional. So when I am living in stressful times under stressful situations that I don’t necessarily agree with but can’t come up with a better answer for and then I hear something profoundly stupid on the radio, I tend to come here and post emotional entries. I do not mean these things to mean that what I say is the way things are. What I say is the way I feel. Yes, I exaggerate. Yes, I will play out a scenario to an unlikely conclusion. Yes, I have an overactive imagination. I would hope that you would know that by now and that I wouldn’t have to defend myself like this.
Did I hear them say on the radio this morning that the US will not turn Iraq over to the UN if the US wins the war? What the fuck are we going to do with Iraq then? Make it another pseudo-state like Puerto Rico? Does Bush still stand behind his statement that this is not a war about oil? Or did I should I just shut my yap because I heard wrong? Yeah, probably the last one.
So I know a lot of people consider it a good thing to have heat included in the rent price of their apartment. And for the most part, I do, too. I have friends with houses who were paying $300 a month for gas when the prices were up so high last winter and my gas bill is never more than $15 (depending on how much cooking I do).

But at this time of year, I would gladly pay for my own heating expenses if I could then have control over the temperature in my apartment and my office. I hate it that after a certain date, the heat just shuts off. Sure, it was fine to not have heat in the apartment over the weekend when it was seventy degrees outside, but now that it is cooling off again and overnight lows are predicted to be in the twenties or thirties, it would be nice to have a nice warm apartment or a nice warm working environment. As it is, I ganked a space heater and am trying to turn my office into a sauna instead of the icebox it has been for the past three days.

I guess the long and short of this is that I am temperature sensitive. I don’t like being rained on and I don’t like being cold. And I find that here I’m often rained on and I’m often cold. (I actually do like being rained on, but the quote doesn’t really work without that part.) I don’t like being cold. I will be very happy when it is springtime on a consistent basis or summertime.

Thank you.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

So my show opens this weekend. Kind of. It’s been running for a while, but I start performing in it this weekend. It really is a fun show and I really like the people I’m working with. Though I am, at the same time, baffled by how difficult some of them find this choreography to be. I guess it is just another instance of this is something I have been doing my whole life so it is easy for me and I don’t understand what it is like to have this not be easy, you know?

Dancing, to me, is both very beautiful and very logical. Most of the music you dance to is in 4/4 time, meaning there are four beats to every measure. Usually, you put two measures together and get a phrase of eight. Four of these phrases make a verse. Several verses make a song. The point being, you can break almost any song down to 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 and then you start over on the one. And when it comes to choreography, if you are in one position on the one and you need to be somewhere else by the two, your choreographer will tell you where you need to be and how to get there. So you do that. I don’t understand people who try to turn against their own bodies or who consistently forget things like, “You start on your right foot.” If I know I’m starting on my right foot and I have to kick with my left on four, I take three steps and then kick. Simple as that. And then I can add flair to it so I don’t look like Skippy the Kicking Robot.

I don’t know. It’s interesting to me. Some of my fellow actors have started coming to me to review steps with them and whatnot and no matter how many times we go through things, there are certain parts that they just don’t get. And I don’t know how to translate for them, which is frustrating for me.

But for the most part, I’m having a really wonderful time. And it is a really fun show. And the dancing isn’t supposed to be good, except really for my character. And she will be good. I don’t brag about many things, but I know I’m a good dancer.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

I’m finding myself in a really strange position. I’ve been reading personal ads for the past couple of days and I’m actually contemplating answering one or two of them.

I know. This sounds particularly odd coming from me. I still maintain that I don’t need to be in a relationship. I am still happy as a fully functional, independent human being. But I’ve started thinking that it might be nice to go on a date. Make a new friend. Have someone to call when I want to go do one of those things my other friends don’t want to go do. Have someone call me to go do something I hadn’t thought about doing in the first place. And maybe get to kiss at the end of the night.

Part of me would like to be able to date one of my dancer friends. I have a sort of a crush on one of them right now. I just really enjoy dancing with him and it feels really nice to hug him. But I think it would be weird to date him because we are friends and have known each other for a while, so I don’t think I would ever bring it up. If he did, cool. But I’m not going to. And I’m guessing he won’t either.

So I was killing some time before rehearsal on Saturday and I started reading the personal ads in the newspaper because often times, they can be good for a laugh. So many people saying they are looking for things that I will bet you a dollar they would run screaming from if they actually found. But I saw one ad that kind of sparked my interest and I was thinking about it for the rest of the day. That doesn’t happen to me much. So I got in to work yesterday and started poking around on some online personal ad sites, mostly just for fun and to remind myself of why I don’t try to date people that way, and I found a couple of people who I almost want to contact. And now I’m stuck. Do I contact them or do I let it go? I’m not sitting here thinking that I am going to find the love of my life through the personal ads and that if I don’t find love with one of these guys, I never will. I don’t even expect that I would have a very long relationship with either one of them because as we all know, I get bored and restless. He would be just someone to date for a while and learn from. Someone to perhaps help me get over my fear of dating so that when I do meet Mr. Amazing, I’m ready for him and I don’t have to start out a conversation with, “I’m really bad at dating, but I’d like to give this a shot anyway.”

I don’t know. I’m sure I sound like a crackpot. It’s a curiosity thing more than anything else. One of my girlfriends thinks I’m finally admitting something the rest of them fessed up to a long time ago. I don’t think that’s really it. I still don’t want to surrender my independence for a guy. But I have that wonderful springtime curiosity about what it would be like to have a relationship. One that doesn’t involve both parties playing with each other’s feelings. One that doesn’t end in a colossal blow-off. One that can just be fun for a while. I dunno. We’ll see.

Monday, March 24, 2003

This was a very educational weekend for me.

I learned how to make foccacia.

I learned that in Mediterranean dishes, the combination of seven vegetables is not only really yummy, it is considered good luck.

I learned that Adrien Brody is the kind of person I wouldn’t mind meeting.

I learned that it is best to express yourself in an artistic manner ‘cuz as soon as you open your mouth in an honest, straightforward manner, you will be booed off stage.

I learned that no matter how many times I say it, “Academy Award Winner Eminem” will never sound right.

I learned that it is really nice to get drunk in the privacy of one’s own home when one doesn’t have to worry about going anywhere afterwards.

I learned that it is really hard to do cross-stitch after your second glass of wine.

I learned that it is really fun to get drunk while watching the Oscars.

I learned that I honestly, truly love the movies. I love to make movies. I love to watch movies. I always have and I know that I always will. There is something so magical about them. People, by nature, like to watch other people and see what their lives are like. This is what the movies allow us to do. And a few select people like to experience other people’s lives – these people become actors. I love acting. I love having the opportunity to walk around in someone else’s skin for a little while, be it as a Beboian or as Charlie Chaplin or some strange version of myself. I love to act. With all my heart. If I could do nothing but act for the rest of my life, I would die a happy woman. Hopefully I will be able to do just that one day.

Friday, March 21, 2003

Operation Shock and Awe is underway. If I believed in God, I would be praying right now that it is over quickly and with a minimal number of casualties. Since I don't believe in God, I really just want to cry.

Please be over soon.

Thursday, March 20, 2003

The other thing I’ve been hearing about is the plan to boycott anti-war celebrities. I talked about this kind of, a little bit, the other day. I think this is silly. Chalk me up as a left-wing liberal hippie who’s looking out for those who think similarly to myself if you want to, but I still think that boycotting anti-war celebrities is silly. What good will it do? If we stop listening to the Beastie Boys, so what? How does that help the Iraqis? How, exactly, does it hurt America to watch a Susan Sarandon film?

Okay, so maybe money that could have been spent on the war effort is going to a Dixie Chicks CD instead. You know what? There is no guarantee that that $12 would have gone to the war effort in the first place. The person buying the CD might have spent it on food for him or herself or shoes or crack as opposed to giving it to the war effort. And yes, while there may be a war going on, our country still needs to function. So of the $12 being spent on the Dixie Chicks CD, part of that goes to the retailer, part of it goes to the record company, some of it goes (indirectly) to the record studio and the people who physically produced the thousands and thousands of CDs and about $1 actually goes to the Dixie Chicks. Granted, these are not exact figures, but I think you get the idea. If you boycott one musical group, the retailers, CD producers, sound engineers, etc. will all be out of a job, too. Again, yes, I am exaggerating, but I think you get my point. And those people might be pro-war. Or even in the military reserves themselves. Do you really want to punish them?

And besides, as we all learned from the McCarthy years, these people will be forgiven after the war is over anyway.

So please continue to live you life, same as you did at this time last year. Listen to music that makes you happy. Go see movies that you enjoy. We all need diversions once in a while, and even moreso during times like these. So please, go and enjoy your peaceful diversions, wherever they come from.
Military action in the Middle East has begun. And the whole thing still kind of makes me feel sick.

I’ve been hearing more and more, though, from Iraqi-Americans who have an interesting point of view. I heard a snippet from a radio program that one Iraqi gentleman had called into. He has been in touch with family over in Iraq and kind of says that Iraq is ready for this war to happen. They are ready for Hussein to be ousted. Hussein kills his own people on a daily basis. They live in fear and they are tired of it. At the same time that this gentleman was on the radio, there was an American woman, too, who was adamantly anti-war. And the question that was posed to her repeatedly by the Iraqi gentleman was, “How will leaving Hussein in power bring peace and diplomacy to Iraq?” She had no answer. Neither do I. And the next question to follow is “How do you remove Hussein from power?” Diplomatic action has not been able to do that. So the Iraqi people are prepared for military action. They see it as the only way to get rid of a tyrant and if it means that a lot of people will die in the short term so that more can live in freedom in the long run, that is a sacrifice they are prepared to make. While hearing that makes the war a little bit easier to swallow in some ways, it makes me unspeakably sad that that is a decision that people actually have to make. Right now. My friends and I worry about which party we are going to go to over the weekend or who we should date or not date or what car to buy. And people on the other side of the planet are preparing themselves to die so that their country can be free one day. If the military action results in Hussein being ousted and peace and diplomacy are brought to Iraq, will they call this their Revolutionary War?

And I’m still kind of worried about “what next?” What happens to Iraq after the war is over? Will Bush screw up another country as badly as he did his own?

I hope this military action results in something good. Not just for America. Not just for Iraq. Not just for Europe or the Middle East, but for all of us. I hope that it is brief and that the suffering is kept to a minimum. And I really hope that we’re doing the right thing.

Come home soon.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

And I would also like to point out that I found Moby's journal entry for today to be particularly poignant and well-written. I may have to start pointing people to it when they ask me why I like Moby so much.
I’m still feeling kind of off today. I don’t know what it is. I’m coming to terms with the fact that we will be going to war in the next few days, if not the next few hours. So then all of these military type questions start popping into my head. Like why are we broadcasting every move our troops are making on the radio? The whole world knows that our ships are moving around. Doesn’t that kind of take away the element of surprise? Isn’t that kind of setting it up so the ships will be greeted with fully armed opposition when they get wherever it is they are going? Or is that one of the rules of modern warfare – you have to let your enemy know what your plans are? Or are the radio broadcasts lies to throw the enemy onto the wrong trail?

And I’m a little confused about the purpose of this war now. The politicians will not say that it is a war over oil. They are saying that Hussein needs to be ousted because he is a dangerous man capable of horrific acts of terrorism and who may have been at least partially responsible for the September 11th attacks. Okay. So how come he gets 48 hours to leave his country and go hide somewhere? If the purpose of these military actions is to get Hussein, how come he’s given a head start? How come he gets to leave the country that will be blown to smithereens? It would make more sense to me to say to the rest of the citizens of Iraq that they have 48 hours to get out of the country so they won’t be killed in our attempts to oust Hussein. Or for us to find out where he would leave to and attack that building and that building only. With snipers.

I don’t know. This is why I’m not a politician. This is why I’m not in the military. I don’t understand these things.

Though I do have one other thing that I would like to say and it is perhaps inspired by the fact that I watched Chaplin again last night and Chaplin was exiled from the country because he was deemed un-American. I do love America. There are a lot of wonderful things about America that I would have a really hard time giving up if I lived elsewhere. And one of the really wonderful things about America is that we are allowed to disagree with one another and talk about our differences. We are allowed to have our own opinions and we are welcome to have open discussions about things. I find the letters and e-mails and whatnot that label people who don’t support the war as un-American to be disheartening. There is enough anger and hatred going around without us turning on each other. People who don’t support the war are anti-war, not anti-America. People who support the war are pro-war, not pro-America. We’re all Americans. And as such, we are allowed to disagree.

So that being said, while I love America, I disagree with the actions she is taking right now. As my voice seems to be in the minority (or at least it is too quiet for those in power to hear), I will just say that I hope that whatever happens in the next few days and weeks will happen quickly and cost as few lives as possible. And my heart is with every soldier over there fighting, as well as with his or her friends and family. Come home soon.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

I'm taking a mental day today. I woke up this morning and something just wasn't right. I couldn't make myself go to work. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it is the fear of the impending war. Okay, judging by the fact that I just got that stinging feeling behind my eyes like I'm going to cry in a minute, I'm guessing that it is the fear of the impending war. I know I've said it before and I will probably say it again, but I don't have all of the information so I probably shouldn't even be saying anything but I think this is a bad idea. I am not behind military action. The thought of military action scares the shit out of me. I can't even tell you why because I'm guessing that the majority of the military action will take place thousands of miles away from here. Chances are, I will not see a single fatality up close and personal. But I do have a friend who lives in Israel. Will she be okay? What about her boyfriend?

I spent a large portion of my life trying to not feel anything. The reaction to that is that sometimes I feel things too intensely right now. And I can't always explain the root of those feelings, but I know they are there and I know they have to be dealt with. I'm grieving today for our country. I'm grieving today for the people in the Middle East who will suffer because our President is hell bent on going to war. I hope it is all over soon. But I knew I couldn't go to work today and be expected to go on about my life and my job and my business like nothing was going on. There is an extraordinary amount of hurt circling around today that needs to be recognized and dealt with. So I took a mental health day. I hope I'm better tomorrow.

Monday, March 17, 2003

On the other hand, it is really really beautiful outside today. I didn't even bring my jacket to work. The sun is shining and the sky is clear. How can you possibly think about destroying another country on a day like today? I suggest everyone go have a picnic instead. Wouldn't that be nice?

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Go kiss an Irish person.
It was also kind of a Weekend of Kitty this weekend. I won a dance contest, I won a Lifetime Achievement award because I post too much on Windyhop, and I won an improv competition. I spent six hours as Charlie Chaplin and I must say, I make an excellent Charlie Chaplin. It felt so good to make people smile. And his tramp character was so liberating! Whatever you’re doing, follow through on it and it will become funny. Chaplin was brilliant. And it felt good to be him for a little while.

But as we all know, I have problems with positive attention. I appreciated the Lifetime Achievement award. That meant a lot to me. I was surprised that I won the dance contest, but proud of myself, too, because I have never won a Jack and Jill before. And that was plenty. I was thrilled. To be honest, by the time it got to the improv competition, I felt guilty. I was up against last year’s reigning champion and I honestly wanted him to win again. It would make sense for him to. If I won, it would be all Kitty, all the time, all weekend. But I won. And the thing about the improv competition is that it really is all luck of the draw. If you get good scene partners, you get high scores. If your scene partners suck, you won’t advance. I got good scene partners. That’s all there is to it. But I still feel kind of guilty about winning.

Which bothers me. I worked hard. I made people laugh. I have more posts on that bulletin board than anyone else. I deserved every accolade that I got this weekend, yet I shut down when I get them. I am uncomfortable receiving them. That’s not right.

I don’t know. Like I said, too many emotions this weekend. I had a lot of fun and met some great people and I won a lot of stuff. I would have had fun if I didn’t win stuff, too. I’m going to be a horrible celebrity.
My heart is kind of breaking for a friend of mine this morning. He had a rough day yesterday and it is one of those situations that he can’t really do anything about and I can’t really do anything to make him feel better so he feels frustrated and I feel useless. And sitting there listening to him talk was breaking my heart because I’ve been there.

I found myself missing fucknut more last night that I have in the almost two years since my heart actually broke in two over him. I missed that feeling. That connection. That electricity whenever we were in the same room together. I miss knowing that I had found that special person who complimented me so well. I miss his hands. I miss his lips. I miss his eyes. I listen to my friends now talking about finding that one special person and about how frightening it can be. All of them freaked out about it at one point or another. And the really good, solid couples that I know are the ones who didn’t let those freak outs decide how they should handle the situation. They talked about their fears with their partners and it made the relationships stronger. I know what I felt for fucknut and I will spend the rest of my life bouncing back and forth between knowing he felt it, too, and knowing it was all a figment of my imagination. And at least to some degree, I will hurt for the rest of my life because he was too afraid of the situation to do anything about it. He let me go. I don’t care how many times I say I’m over him. I will always miss him. And I will always wonder what would have happened had he not been so afraid. And I really feel for anyone who is on the same end of one of these situations that I was.

Truth be told, I have never felt for anyone else what I felt for fucknut. You hear about people just “knowing.” The first time I saw him, he was in a play. And before I even knew which character he was playing so I could find out his real name in the program, I knew I wanted to meet him. I haven’t felt that for anyone else. I do sometimes wonder if I ever will. And maybe this is why I don’t date much – I’m looking for that feeling again. Maybe this is why I say I have strange crushes – because I am attracted to people, but I don’t feel that thing for them.

I don’t know. I’m rambling. I missed fucknut last night. I will always wonder where he is and how he is doing. If anyone out there knows how he is, would you let me know? I’d just like to know that he is okay. And I do hope that I find someone someday for whom I feel the things I felt for him. Because it felt wonderful to feel like that. And wouldn’t it be really evil of fate to show that to me at such a young age when it is impossible for it to work and then never give me another opportunity for that again? Whoever my guy is, wherever he is, I’m content to wait for him. And those of you out there who find your person, please hang onto him or her. ‘Cuz it sucks to let that person go and spend your life wondering. Trust me.
Too many emotions this weekend. Perhaps the most important one being

I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO WAR.

Friday, March 14, 2003

Now I remember why I don’t run.

Yesterday after work, I had to venture downtown to pick up some costume pieces from a friend of mine for this event I’m going to this weekend. And yes, I like convoluted sentences. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was driving in downtown Chicago yesterday at about 4:30 in the afternoon. Which is, I now know, a terrible time to be driving downtown. And should you need to stop and park somewhere, forget about it. You are pretty much not allowed to park anywhere in the greater downtown area between the hours of 4 and 6pm on weekdays unless it is in a parking garage that will charge you $18 for the first 15 minutes. Ah, city life.

So anyway, I’m driving downtown and as I’m crossing over the Chicago River, I see a person in a gorilla suit standing on the bridge, handing out flyers advertising a gym. But the gorilla was just standing there. Not moving. Not even looking around. Just standing there with flyers in his hand. That actually has nothing to do with why I don’t run, I just thought it was funny to see a gorilla standing on the Monroe Street Bridge. You hear all these stories about Brad Pitt being a chicken standing outside Joe’s Chicken House or something before he got famous. Who knows? Maybe we’ll see this gorilla in next summer’s blockbuster.

So I continue on and I see parking meters about two blocks away from the building I am going to. Now, you’re not even really supposed to park at these meters between 4 and 6pm on weekdays, but I think to myself, “I’m only going to be here for five minutes. I’ll put a quarter in the meter, run to the building and make it back before the tow truck can even have my car hooked up to take away.” So I park at the meter and look for a quarter. Which I don’t have (I did laundry a couple of days ago). So I take off running down the street. Picture, if you will, me. Running down the street. In my work clothes. Holding onto my purse/shoulder bag so it doesn’t bounce when I run. Chanting in my head, "Please don't tow my car, please don't tow my car." In downtown Chicago. At 4:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday. Yeah, I looked silly. But I got to my friend’s office, got the costume pieces and got back to my car before it was ticketed and before it was towed. So all was good.

Or so I thought. My shins are screaming at me today. I’m guessing it was the four blocks of sprinting on concrete that did it. Which is why I don’t run.

And now I bow.

And now I exit, stage left.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

I have a lot of things swirling around in my head today, which is making it very hard for me to focus.

I’m becoming an actual person at work and I’m talking about things that I’ve heard other people talk about before and I understand what I’m saying. I’m using acronyms and understanding what they stand for. I’m taking meetings and talking to important people and whatnot. It’s kind of odd and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I like it that I’m going to have things to do at work, but we already know that I have issues with treating healthcare like a business. And I’m becoming part of that business.

I was told this morning by one of my bosses that he thinks it’s remarkable that I’m this quiet, reserved person who can get up on stage and put on a show. I thought it was funny that he thinks I’m quiet and reserved. I see my job as a mask that I put on for eight hours a day – a role that I play. And when I leave here, then I become me. And he sees the work me as the real me as me and the real me as a role that I play sometimes. It was kind of an interesting perspective.

There’s a lot of stuff going on this weekend and I hope the weather holds up for it. But I can’t believe it’s only Thursday. I can’t believe I still have a whole other day before it’s the weekend and I can relax and have fun. It’s been a long week with rehearsals and whatnot.

I had forgotten what it was like to dance with non-dancers. I’m learning the choreography and stuff for my new show so quickly my cast mates are teasing me about it already. And I don’t understand people who don’t understand simple, basic movements. People who are seemingly so out of touch with their own bodies that they don’t understand that after you step on your right foot, you are most likely going to step on your left foot. Or, if you have to step on your right foot twice, don’t shift your weight. It’s just kind of interesting to me to try to figure out how their minds work.

And speaking of my job keeping me occupied, it has eaten up my entire afternoon and my whole train of thought, so I’m going to go home now and maybe try to do some Pilates.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

There was some talk on the radio yesterday morning about what is appropriate behavior for married couples and what isn’t. It wasn’t things like “married people shouldn’t sleep around,” it was stuff like “married people shouldn’t go out without their spouse.” Which struck me as a little bit odd. Or maybe I’m a little bit odd.

I don’t think that getting married, or entering into any relationship, in fact, means you have to cash in your “individual person” chips. If I marry someone, I’m marrying him because I love him for who he is. I don’t expect him to trade in his friends and interests and hobbies for me – those things are who he is and are why I fell in love with him. And I would hope that he wouldn’t expect me to trade in mine for him. Yes, we will both compromise on certain things. And yes, we will both sacrifice certain things. But I do not consider it to be inappropriate for my husband to go out with his single friends without me. If he and his buddies want to go to a ball game or a bar or whatever and I don’t feel like going, I don’t think that should prohibit him from going. Same if I want to go out with my friends. I would even go so far as to say it is okay for him to go out with just one friend without me, even if that friend happens to be female and/or an ex-girlfriend of his. As long as he tells me where he’s going and who he’s going with. Maybe I’m being really naïve, but I would like to be able to trust my husband to come home to me. I think he should know what is inappropriate and what isn’t and I would hope that he would not behave in an inappropriate manner. I think a good rule of thumb is “If you’re going to feel guilty about doing this when you tell your partner about it, don’t do it.” Because your life partner is someone who you should be able to tell everything to. If you are afraid to share something with that person, there has to be a reason for it. And if that reason is that you screwed up big time, then maybe you should think twice before screwing up big time.

Like I said, I’m probably being horribly naïve. I haven’t been in a relationship where this was even an issue. But I stand by my belief that in a relationship, there is you, there is me, and there is the relationship. I think each of the three entities needs to be cared for and nurtured by the other two entities in order for the relationship as a whole to work. And if that means my husband needs a night out at a boom-tss club while I stay at home and read and go to bed early, so be it. I think that often times, it is restrictions like “you shouldn’t go out without your spouse” that lead to bigger troubles in a marriage – people feeling claustrophobic or smothered so they close themselves off or look outside their marriage for something they feel they need and don’t have. Sounds like I’m advocating an open marriage, doesn’t it? Well, I’m not. I would be pissed off if my husband started sleeping with someone else. But I don’t think that it’s necessary for me to be there for every minute of his free time, nor he for every minute of mine.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense or not. And I could be totally wrong. I won’t know until I enter into a relationship and have the chance to give this theory of mine a shot. I do know that the relationships I have witnessed wherein each partner still has his or her own life in addition to having a life with his or her partner seem to be the healthiest relationships. Though I’m sure at least one of you knows of a relationship wherein this is not the case. Eh. Relationships. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.
The thing about meltdowns is you never see other people have them. You have your own little meltdowns, you pick yourself back up and you get on with your life. And nobody else sees it. Or at least that’s how it works for me. Except I come in to work the next day and write about it.

Yeah, I had a little meltdown last night. Mostly financial. I hate that this is even an issue in my life. If you look at my salary, I make enough money that I shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not I’ll be able to afford groceries at the end of the month. But I got myself into debt after I got out of college and am now getting myself out of it. I do not regret the things I did that placed me in debt because they were amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I do wish I had gotten help sooner so the extent of my debt would not be so bad. But the valuable lesson to take away from all of this is that I will never let myself get into that kind of debt again. I did get help and I am paying off loans now and within three years, I will be debt free. Which is a really amazing feeling. But these next three years are going to be kind of rough.

And like I said, I hate it that this is even an issue. I lead a very rich life in many ways. It is the silly little things, though, that keep screwing me over. Which then make me re-examine some of the big things I have coming up in the near future. Like what if I didn’t go to my family reunion this summer? I’d save myself a wad of cash and worry. Or how about skipping the Cirque du Solei performance this summer? I could get by just fine if I don’t travel anywhere for the next three years and don’t spend any money on fun, unusual things. Like CDs.

I dunno. It’s a rough month for me until I get my tax refund. And even then, it is pretty much claimed already. I know things will work out – they always do. I’m just stressed about this right now and I hate that I’m stressed about it, which stresses me out, so I’m a little worn thin. So I had a little meltdown last night. Okay. Fine. Now it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with my day.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Have you ever found yourself just kind of waiting for something to change? Anxious for something to change? Ready for something to change?

And how often is that feeling accompanied by the knowledge that something is going to change soon? Yeah, I'm thinking I'm pretty lucky right about now. There are going to be some changes made to my job which should, hopefully, keep me a little bit busier. I will still try to post in here on a daily basis. I love my blog. But I may not always have seven pages of stuff to say. Or at least not the time to post seven pages of stuff. Unless I start staying late at work. Which would interfere with my rehearsal schedule.

Did you know that it is supposed to be sixty degrees in Chicago this weekend? From the looks of it, there will still be a wind chill of four.

Monday, March 10, 2003

So I heard the date of March 17th is the new proposed deadline date for whether or not we’ll go to war. Next Monday. St. Patrick’s Day. Meaning if things go the way Bush wants them to, this will be our last week of peace before all hell breaks loose. If the Gulf War is any indication of how modern warfare works, we’ll be back to peaceful times by April. But it’s still a really odd thought to think that by this time next week, we could be at war. We have one more weekend to enjoy ourselves before we have to start worrying about being blown up. I would like to encourage each and every one of you to make the most of this week and upcoming weekend. Hug a stranger. Let your family know how much you love them. Splurge and have a hot fudge sundae. Take a moment to enjoy the sunshine. Be aware every moment that you are awake and enjoy every single one of those moments. If we do end up going to war, you’ll treasure those memories. If we don’t end up going to war, your friends and family will know how much you love them and you will have spent a week enjoying your life. You win either way.

And I would also like to encourage you all to see Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator, if for no other reason then for the last three minutes of the film. Chaplin's speech is very moving and somehow poignant even today. I rewound and watched the speech five times this weekend and was moved to tears each time. So go check it out. It really is a lovely film.

Friday, March 07, 2003

Okay, so you can buy a waterMELON. Or a honeydew MELON. Or a cantaloupe. But usually when someone says he or she is going to but or eat some MELON, he or she is talking about cantaloupe.

Thursday, March 06, 2003

And now for something completely different.

I would like to pay homage today to what I believe is one of the world’s most remarkable foods. So remarkable, in fact, that I believe it deserves to be its very own food group. A food so versatile that it is used in some form in almost every type of cuisine served around the world. A food so great you have to either love it or hate it – there is no middle ground. I am, of course, talking about the tomato.

Tomatoes are both fruits and vegetables. They have lots of vitamins and minerals in them. They look pretty in a garden. Tomatoes can be used in sauces, salsas, toothbrush commercials, salads, garnishes, or even eaten raw. Tomatoes make wonderful fake boobs when placed in socks and hung around one’s neck. The places one can use tomatoes are limitless. They add color to any dish. They add zest and moisture. And you just plain feel good after you eat something tomato-y.

So let’s hear it for tomatoes. Did you eat something from the tomato group today?
And I’m tired of the gray and snowy already. It’s March. We should have had gray and snowy in December. Maybe January. But it’s March now. And we’re all ready for it to stop snowing. Yes, snow is pretty, but it’s just about time for winter to be over. So, Mother Nature, we appreciate your efforts to at least make our world look pretty while it is going to hell in a hamper basket, but springtime is really pretty, too. And hopeful. We could use some hopeful weather. Thanks.
I heard on the radio this morning that some important United States person is not happy with Hussein’s disarmament efforts, saying it is “too little, too late.” I don’t know who it is that said that, but I kinda want to hit him. I don’t think there is such a thing as too late when we’re talking about taking actions that could prevent a world war.

I’m so sick of all of this. I would give my right arm for the current United States government to just step up and admit that they want to wipe Iraq off the face of the earth for whatever stupid, sick reasons they want to wipe Iraq off the face of the earth. Be honest with us. Admit that you think a war will bring our country out of the recession it is currently facing. Admit that you want to install a government in the Middle East that will give us the oil for free. Admit that you will not be satisfied with anything Iraq does to try to prevent war because this really isn’t about what weapons Iraq may or may not have (a point that can easily be argued by the fact that North Korea does, in fact, have nuclear weapons and we are doing nothing about it). Just be honest. We all already know you are a bunch of selfish idiots. We don’t want to have to go to war because of you. Because it isn’t going to be you fighting the war, it will be us. And we don’t want to go. If you’re so antsy to get Hussein, I’d be happy to pitch in for an airline ticket so you can go over there yourself and deal with him. Just please stop being dumb.

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

So I’m trying to come up with something to give up for Lent. It’s kind of fun as a non-Catholic to walk around telling people you gave something up for Lent and then watching their reactions. I could give up boys, but I did that last year. I could give up alcohol, but I don’t want to actually give up something I like. I could give up meat. Oh, wait... Tee hee. I could give up giving up meat. But again, not something I really want to do. The whole point of a non-Catholic giving something up for Lent is to give up something where it makes almost no real difference whether or not you gave it up. What is funny about me giving up boys for Lent is that I don’t have one in the first place. I could give up parachuting. Or race cars. I kind of like that one. I’m giving up race cars for Lent. What are you giving up?
I had a dream last night that I got an e-mail from a friend of mine saying that fucknut got married. And it happened on the very cusp of consciousness, so I woke up feeling very unnerved. I don’t think I could handle it if fucknut got married. I wouldn’t want to meet his spouse, not that I’d have the opportunity to do so, but still. Though I think I would have an easier time with it if he had a husband as opposed to a wife. Because, let’s face it. I loved him. And yes, I am over that, but he does still have a special place in my heart because he was my first love. I learned how to love someone when I knew him. And a lot of who I am today is influenced by him and who I was when I knew him. He was a very important part of my life. So if he was to marry another person…yes. I am over him. No, I don’t want to marry him. But no, I don’t want to see him married, either. Because yes, we all say that we just want our exes to be happy, but we don’t really mean that. We want our exes to spend the rest of their lives regretting the fact that they passed up the best thing that ever happened to them. Right?

I would be happy for him on a very logical level. If he is married, hopefully it means he has grown enough and matured enough to respect himself and another person enough to have a healthy relationship. I hope he gets there one day. Because he really was a good person, he just didn’t want to admit that. I would like to see him admit that. I would like to see him healthy. But it will still hurt like hell to see him happy with somebody else. Is that wrong?

Monday, March 03, 2003

I was told not too long ago that I need to take more risks in my life. At the same time that it kind of bothered me that I was told that, I’m starting to wonder if maybe it isn’t a true statement after all. Maybe I should be taking more risks in my life. Or maybe it’s all just semantics.

I wrote last week that I was feeling very uncreative because I am only a part-time creative person as opposed to my 24 hour-a-day creative friends. And I started thinking, what is preventing me from being creative all the time? The mundanities of life? What if I could be creative while I’m being mundane? If that makes sense. Like practicing juggling while walking to rehearsal. Thinking about my screenplay while I’m working out. Going over my dance moves in my head while I’m driving. And do these things count as risks? In a way, yes. I am risking my appearance to the general public.

I can’t help it, every time Norah Jones comes on the radio, I smile. I’m smiling right now.

So I’m ready, willing, and able to sacrifice my appearance of being cool in the name of creativity. I’ve been working on that one for years. But I’m thinking that the next place I need to start taking risks involves interpersonal relationships. Asking my friends if I can practice my dance moves on them. Trusting new people until given reason not to. I find myself falling into this pattern where I don’t want to meet new people because I’m sure I already know what they want and what they think of me. And I don’t think that’s really fair. I need to go out and dance with new people and talk to new people and give them the benefit of the doubt before forming an opinion. And maybe working on this will lead me to a point where the idea of going out on a date with a stranger isn’t so frightening to me. At which point, I’ll go out on a date, have a miserable time, and be back to my old ways. C’est la vie.

It’s something to think about anyway. A lot of people define truly living as taking risks in order to gain new experiences. Risk taking can be hard. It can be scary. And after a certain number of new experiences, we start to think that we can predict the outcome of any new situation without even entering said situation. I’m thinking those are the risks I need to start taking again. The ones I think I know the outcomes of. ‘Cuz I’m guessing a lot of those outcomes will surprise me.

Either that, or I’ll just keep juggling on my way to rehearsal and maybe one of these days I’ll start to get good at it.

Or maybe I still just miss my friends. 'Cuz I do take a fair amount of risks in my life -- I went to Australia by myself, I started going out dancing regularly without knowing anybody, I switched to a vegan diet, I go out and audition for things on a regular basis. I do put myself out there. I dunno. I think I'm gearing up to knock down a wall, but it's a really nice wall with really pretty paintings on it that I know I'm going to miss as soon as it comes down, but it's rotting on the inside and really needs to come down, I just don't know that I'm ready to tear it down yet. You know? Probably not. Nevermind. I'm stopping now.
In honor of If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day…

If Owen had opposable thumbs, I’d be in trouble. There would be no such thing as “safe space” in my house. The idea of cat-proofing things would be shot. I would have to child-proof my house – put locks on the cabinets, saran wrap around my bookshelves and video racks, bolt things to the floor that aren’t supposed to move. Okay, maybe I’m assuming that he would have super-cat strength in addition to opposable thumbs, but he’s pretty strong as it is. When we fight, he can grab and hold on to my arm really well.

On the up side, he’d probably be able to feed himself. Which would be nice because then I wouldn’t have to worry about getting home on time to feed him. But, if he does, in fact, only love me because I give him food, then him feeding himself would mean he wouldn’t ever have to be nice and loving towards me. Though I bet he wouldn’t clean his own litter box. I’d still have to do that. And it would be a bitch to try to get him to use a broom or the Swiffer. So I’d have this cute (with kind of funny looking paws), fuzzy, totally independent, yet completely irresponsible roommate who did nothing but shed, poop, bite me and rip up my clothes all day if my cat had opposable thumbs.

Let’s hear it for evolutionary hindrances! Happy If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day, everyone.