1. Write an original script.
2. If you can't find one, borrow some source material and try that instead.
3. Cast a woman to be in the background.
4. Clothe her. Preferably in period clothing.
5. Bring in a production designer and set designer so you can figure out what the movie should look like.
6. Find a make-up artist and a hair stylist for your supporting actress (who is the only performer currently attached to the project, and therefore the most important).
7. Find someone to shoot the movie. Preferably someone who knows where the most beautiful places on the planet are.
8. Have someone edit the film. Which somehow has been shot with one actor and no director, but one hell of a production team.
9. Fix and enhance the sound generated by your kickass design team, beautiful locations, and supporting actress.
10. Go back and manipulate the sounds that haven't been generated yet, but should be there so your locations and supporting actress sound even better.
11. Hire Andy Serkis. No, wait, sorry. Get a visual effects artist so nobody notices you only have one supporting actress.
12. Go back and fill in any tech gaps that might have made your filming easier.
13. Say "fuck it" and animate the whole thing instead. But keep it short because animation is hard and takes a long time.
14. Realize that it is easier to make an animated film than something live action with only one supporting actress, so make an animated feature.
15. Find a guy who might look good in the background of the movie you were originally making and cast him to fill in some of the scenes your supporting actress wasn't in.
16. Splice together your footage about making a movie with a design team and one actor (actress, excuse me) into a short documentary.
17. Try your hand at a full length documentary because you have a lot of footage of beautiful places and sound clips lying about, so why not?
18. Realize that you have enough footage of your locations and background actors to make a short film, so give that medium a go before dedicating yourself to a feature.
19. Outsource your movie to another country to see if that helps.
20. Find someone to write the music that will set the tone for your film.
21. Hire a pop star to write a song to play over your end credits.
22. Find a director.
23. Cast a leading lady.
24. Cast a leading man.
25. Find producers because bam! You have a movie! Win all the awards!
Now, I've not made big budget Hollywood movies, but at the very least, I know that nine times out of ten, the leading man is cast before the leading lady. And films are usually edited after the director, producers, and actors have been hired. But maybe it is my insistence on doing things a certain way that has stunted my career thus far. Maybe I'll try doing it Hollywood's way and see what happens.
Congrats to those who go home with little gold statues tonight! Maybe if I play along, I'll get to join you someday.