Tuesday, September 29, 2009

And it's also cold out. I put the comforter back on my bed last night and slept in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. It wasn't freezing in my apartment this morning, but the floors were cold. On the one hand, it does feel good to sleep with the extra weight of a comforter. On the other hand, it means it's time to gear up for another long winter of my heat going out probably every fourth day. I thought about getting either a portable battery pack/generator thing that I could plug my space heater into so that I don't blow fuses, or looking into a non-electrically powered space heater. I think consistently having to go buy gas for it, though, would drive me batty. I'll probably just have to go for the plastic stuff on my windows again, and baking things whenever possible.

And I'm also really really tired. I know they expanded the whole daylight savings time thing to try to "get more daylight hours" or whatever, but it means a whole month to go of waking up in the dark and coming home to have to turn the lights on almost immediately. That just makes me tired. On the up side, it's time to rediscover my love affair with tea. Warm, and it wakes me up. Hooray for caffeine!
I was reading an article the other day, written by a woman I know, about online dating - how to write a good profile, some dos and don'ts, that kind of thing - and the biggest point it made is that they to a successful online dating campaign is persistence. You just can't give up on it. It highlighted a woman who consistently paid an online site's fees for seven years and then finally met the man who would become her husband. SEVEN YEARS. Seven years of bad dates, disappointments, and not-quite-what-I'm-looking-fors.

Thing is, I have this feeling like I'm maybe in a good position to try dating. Give it a serious go (if I could find someone to date). I'm not depressed. I feel like I'm looking kind of cute as of late. I kind of have my ducks in a row and I'm going places and I think all of that kind of adds up to a healthy me, which is exactly the me that I should be putting out there if I want to date someone. But I don't think I can keep that up for seven years in the hopes that once I have reached the peak of my frustration, I'll find someone I can tolerate. I just don't think I have that in me.

I'm persistent about a lot of things - don't get me wrong. But it's a "choose your battles" kind of thing. Maybe I'm a closet romantic and I believe that if there is someone out there I'm supposed to meet, I'll meet him someday whether or not we both happen to be cruising Match.com at the same time. And truth be told, there are so many other things I would prefer to do with my time than set myself up for seven more years of bad dates, awkward emails, and misguided attempts at flirting with men who really aren't interested. The time I have spent on online dating sites leads me to believe that there are a lot of people out there - men and women - who are serial daters and they use those sites to find more first dates. I'm not looking for a first date. I'm hoping to get to date number three or four or ten, you know?

I dunno. Someday, I'll find a guy who is charming and intelligent who finds my laugh irresistible. Someday, I'll find a guy who loves my sense of humor and inability to make socially acceptable small talk. Someday, I'll find a guy who gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I think about him. Someday, I'll find a guy who is just as good with positive commentary as negative - going in both directions. Someday, I'll find a guy who is geographically accessible, or at least willing to work with me to make something doable. Someday, I'll figure out how this whole "relationship" thing works for me and my someone, even if it's not how it works for everyone else. Someday, I'll find a guy who is my best friend and then some.

Or not. I dunno.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I was also told this weekend that I am "something else." Which makes me wonder what everyone else is, and what about me makes me not that.
Every time I go to a wedding, I find myself thinking, "I don't want...THAT." By which I don't mean to say I don't want to get married. There is a really romantic notion behind the standing up in front of everyone you know and promising to have this other person's back for the rest of his/her life. And I certainly hope that if I am lucky enough to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, who also wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that we'll be able to throw a really amazing party with all of our friends because (kind of going back to the birthday post), I think it would be fun to have a day celebrating me, him, and our lives together. That part is groovy.

But the pomp and circumstance and tradition of all of it...I don't know if that's what I'm looking for. I'm pretty sure I've said before that if it was important to my husband to have a church wedding, I would do that, but if it's not, I don't think I would. Largely because the cadence with which most priests/pastors/ministers/etc speak makes me tune out. The pauses after every fourth word. The random emphasis on the verb. The general soft, happy, peaceful tone that almost makes you wonder if they're on some sort of muscle relaxer. You know what I'm talking about - there is a certain way that most religious leaders speak and it makes it really hard for me to pay attention. It stops feeling like a cohesive story or point being made and starts to sound like random words. Which if I were to get married, I would want to hear and understand what the officiant was saying, not start thinking about when I am going to do laundry next, you know? Not to mention the showers and the meetings and the so on and so forth. I have one friend who said she has been waiting since we were kids to throw me a bridal shower - it's about how other people want to celebrate your wedding, not how you want to celebrate. And I would want two men and two women to stand up on my side with me. And I don't want the "wedding knot" of hair. And I want to wear comfortable shoes.

I dunno. I just always think that there has to be another way to go about this. I kind of like the Grey's Anatomy "getting married on a Post-It" thing. Followed by a big party with all of my friends. And a DJ because when you hire a band, there's no telling what the singer is going to wear and you always run the risk that someone might be flat. Unless, of course, I marry a musician and we know a great band that really wants to play, though that would turn into more of a concert than a wedding.

Oh! And the dance floor thing. They always play great music for dancing during dinner before people are "allowed" to dance because the bride and groom haven't broken in the floor yet - Sinatra, Ella, Benny Goodman, etc. And then once the floor opens up for dancing, it switches to Kool and the Gang. Could we do something about that?

And of course, I would want the whole thing to be vegan. I want to be able to eat the cake at my own wedding, you know? And really, vegan food is yummy and I think most people can handle one meal of lentils and grains and vegetables (without a giant slab of meat slathered in some garlic butter sauce) without exploding. Something savory and flavorful and colorful instead of potentially over or undercooked meat with vegetables that have had the life steamed out of them. I'm just sayin'. It wouldn't hurt to expand people's culinary pallets for one night. And if I'm the one getting married, the least y'all can do is eat your veggies.

I dunno. I realize I'm sounding petulant and snobby and quite possibly very rude. Everyone's wedding is their day to do with as they please and if the bride and groom are happy with it, then it is a beautiful, perfect wedding. I just think for me, if the opportunity ever arises, I'll want to do something else. Though for the life of me, I don't know what. Good thing I have some time to think about it, huh?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I can't believe September is halfway over. More than halfway over. There are only about 20 Cubs games left. Kids are far enough into the school year that they can start having tests. At a family gathering over the weekend, someone asked about Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure how much I have to say. I'm a little frustrated today about silly things. As you may know, I'm losing weight. Or trying to, anyway. I've been eating healthy and getting regular exercise since the end of July. And by eating healthy, I not only mean eating healthy foods, but eating them in the proper proportions. Thing is, the weight isn't exactly dropping off. I don't know if I'm gaining muscle mass and that's why it looks like I'm gaining weight back or what. I do know that my clothes are too big for me - my pants are verging on indecent. And I bought a size six dress the other day. I don't know that I've ever been a size six in my life. I like being a size six. It says, "I'm healthy and fit, but not anorexic. I still have curves." So there are some really good signs there, but the numbers just aren't changing like I would like them to. I think my only option, though, is to just keep plugging away. After all, there is nothing wrong with maintaining a healthy lifestyle even if you're not losing weight, right?

And I'm back in class again. One of them was canceled which makes me sad, and I don't feel like I'm doing very well in the other one. Though I talked to some of the people I met over the summer last night and they said if I feel like I'm doing really crappy in class, I'm right on schedule, doing a great job. So in that respect, I'm probably one of the better ones in there. I did talk a little bit with my fellow classmates last night and they all felt like they are doing crappy, too, so if nothing else, we're all in the same boat which, believe it or not, makes the journey a little easier.

And I dunno. I just don't feel like people much these days. I'm enjoying time by myself. I'm kind of enjoying my routine of going to work, coming home, having dinner, getting some exercise, spending time with my cat, making plans, and going to bed. I realize it sounds like kind of a sad existence, but I think it's my pre-hibernation ritual. About this time of year, I just need to not be around people for a bit so I can slow down and get my life in order. I will admit to some disappointment in Mother Nature for not giving us an actual summer this year. Or last year. With any luck, I'll get to go somewhere sunny for a couple days this winter or something. Admittedly, I put on a 3/4 sleeve t-shirt last night and kind of loved how the fabric felt on my arms. Warm and snuggly. As much as I'm not feeling people right now, I think I could go for some warm and snuggly. Soups. Tea. Baking things. Though I'll have to get in the habit of baking things and then bringing half into work to share so I don't blow all of the healthy habits I've built up so far.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Okay, so here's my thing about holidays. Holidays are days designated to celebrate one specific thing. That one specific thing gets a day. Flags get a day. Saints get a day. Grandparents get a day. Often times, these days are a specific date on a calendar so that we can remember when they are - June 14, March 17, etc. Other times, they have a sort of general feel, but the actual date changes from year to year, i.e. the third Thursday in November. Whatever day was chosen to celebrate that holiday is that holiday's day. And in my opinion, that's its only day. March 16th is not St. Patrick's Day. I'm not going to wear green and drink a lot on March 16th because that's not St. Patrick's Day. Just like I'm not going to run around wishing people a happy new year on December 28th. I don't care if the 28th is a Saturday and January 1st is a Wednesday - I'm going to celebrate New Year's Day on New Year's Day, not for a full week before and/or after the actual date.

Which then brings us to birthdays. The nice thing about birthdays is that everybody has one. The bad thing about birthdays is that everybody forgets them. To me, they are important holidays. It is a day to tell your friends and loved ones, "The world was blessed when you entered it x years ago." But like other holidays, I think birthdays should be celebrated on birthdays, if at all possible. I understand that particularly as you get older, if your birthday falls on a Tuesday, it might be easier to have dinner with friends the weekend before or the weekend after. But I still think it would behoove your friends to say the words "Happy birthday" to you on that specific Tuesday. It's not asking a lot. And trust me, it will make their day. You don't need to do extravagant gifts or go overboard or anything - just let them know that you remember that the world became a little better place x number of years ago when they were born.

Which brings me to my birthday. For a long time, I didn't tell anyone when my birthday was because I didn't want anyone to make a big deal out of it. Growing up, my birthdays were both wonderful and horrible - wonderful because I had some really awesome parties, but horrible because a lot of the girls who came to my parties were more interested in chatting with each other than me, the birthday girl. Maybe that's why it just makes me uncomfortable now to have people make a fuss over me. However, I am part of the Facebook nation now, and Facebook has these lovely little reminders that tell you a couple of days in advance when your friend's birthdays are. I usually click the links and wish a happy birthday to each of my Facebook friends on their special day, regardless of how close we are, just because. Their birthday is their day. Their holiday. And the least I can do is say "Happy birthday" to them. Not a huge deal. This year, I secretly found myself looking forward to all of the messages I would get. I was curious to know who was just going to say "Happy birthday" and who might get a little more creative. I thought it would be fun to have a page filled with well wishes from my friends. On my actual birthday, I got phone calls from my immediate family (which was lovely), and I went out to dinner with a couple of friends (also lovely and quite tasty). And I got one comment on Facebook saying happy birthday. One. Out of two-hundred-and-some-odd friends, one person left me a note.

Now, I'm not saying I expected two-hundred-and-some-odd messages, but I did expect more than one. To be honest, it felt really shitty. I don't want to poo-poo the phone calls and the dinner - those things were really lovely and I had a very nice birthday because of them. Thank you guys for that. But every time I click on a link to someone else's page so that I can wish them a happy birthday, and I see an entire page filled with notes, it stings a little. I don't know if I marked some box when I signed up so that a reminder would not pop up about my birthday, or if people just didn't notice it when it was there. Either way, the end result was that one person left me a note on my birthday this year, thus elongating the streak of wonderful, yet horrible, birthdays.

I know - it's a silly gripe. But I'm not a mom, so nobody tells me Happy Mother's Day, and I'm not a grandma, and I'm not a teacher, and nobody pays attention to Administrative Assistant's Day, and I'm not a flag, and I'm not in a relationship so I don't have any anniversaries to celebrate or anything. My birthday is my only day. The one day out of the year when people should say nice things to me. And people (my family and 2-3 closest friends excluded) keep missing it. I guess I should be happy that my family and 2-3 closest friends remember, and I am. I am very lucky to have them. But it does kind of make me wonder why I have two-hundred-and-some-odd Facebook friends if they can't even be bothered to say "Happy Birthday" to me on my day. I know that sounds really bitchy, but I'm tired of being forgotten and overlooked.

Before you send me a note wishing me a belated happy birthday, it was months ago. Save it for next year.

I dunno. I'm sorry to be a downer. It's Labor Day and I should be thanking all of the men and women who have served our country so nobly. Thank you for everything that you do. But Labor Day also kind of marks the end of summer, which I don't feel like we really had - it never really got hot. We had one weekend of two 90+ degree days and that was it. Add that to the fact that I kind of feel like I didn't get my holiday and well, I'm not looking forward to this winter. I know I'm going to get grumpy. I'm going to try not to, but chances are, it will happen. I'm apologizing for that in advance.

Happy Labor Day, everybody.

Friday, September 04, 2009

This is all going to be very vague, and I'm sorry for that, but here goes.

Some information sent out. Requests for other information sent out. Things are underway and I am now financially invested in this new plan, so it's full steam ahead.

I'm down 10 pounds. It feels really good to have lost 10 pounds. I have also lost two inches off of my hips and about an inch and a half off of my waist. I kind of wish that was all proportional, you know, so that I knew that when I've lost 20 pounds, I will have lost four inches off of my hips and three off of my waist. But I also kind of wish it wasn't so there was the potential for more than that. I am enjoying losing weight, though, and I'm feeling really good about myself. They physical is catching up with the rest of me. I'm sure my neighbors think I'm nuts, though, as my current exercise of choice is running in place in my apartment while watching TV. I try not to run on the squeaky bits of my floor, but my shoes squeak, too, so I can't always tell. Sorry, downstairs neighbors, if that's really annoying. The down side of the whole thing is that my clothes are too big - my jeans just don't fit anymore. I'd go get new ones, but I'm expecting to lose more weight, so I don't want to adjust my whole wardrobe just yet. I'd rather do it when I'm closer to my goal so I don't have to do the whole thing twice. But all in all, I'm feeling really good about me.

And the new session of classes starts next week, too. I'm taking the physical theater workshop again, and tech 1, which is like the intro class to this whole acting theory. Granted, I know some stuff about this theory of acting already, but it never hurts to go back and get a refresher on the basics. Mostly, I'm just looking forward to getting back into class.

So today, I am treating myself to a massage and some time in a sensory deprivation tank. Some "me" time. Time to do something nice for myself. Get my life in order. And make more plans for the furthering of my plan. I wish I could tell you more, but I can't just yet. As soon as I can, I will. I swear.

Hope you are well.