There are a couple of relationships in my life that are not fantastic and that I wish were stronger. There are friends I have lost over the years who while I understand why we don't talk anymore, I think the negative repercussions of us not talking anymore are perhaps weighing on me heavier than they should or than I would like. And then a little earworm was planted in my brain saying that I could work on some of these relationships on my own - i.e. without participation from the other party. Silly me, I didn't ask the earworm for more explanation of this theory, I just started thinking about things and trying to figure stuff out on my own. One sort of common thread in these relationships is that I don't feel I have been supported in the way I would like to be supported given who these people are/were. But then me being the person that I am, I have to then ask if those people feel/felt supported by me in the way they would like, given who I am to them. And in some cases, I'm sure the answer is no. That's a hard pill to swallow. Because it suggests that maybe I've been wrong in pointing fingers at others when really I should be looking at my own behavior. Maybe they didn't fail me; maybe I failed them. If that is the case, I feel like shit about it. And that is what has been sitting in my brain for a week or so now, that maybe I'm the one who screwed up, maybe I'm the one who should have tried harder, maybe I should have been paying closer attention. And if that is the case, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
But then that spirals back to me thinking about whether or not those people ever asked for more, and I'm not sure that they did. But then, I didn't ask them for more either (or did I?) so we're once again back to a mutual fault situation with an added dose of poor communication thrown on top. Which, again, makes me feel like shit if I'm not as skilled a communicator as I would like to be.
And all of this then makes me doubt my place in the world, doubt my current friendships, doubt my worth. I start to feel repulsive and unacceptable. Which is a very tiring place to live, and so, I'm feeling a bit emotionally broken at the moment.
What I should do is talk to the earworm and get a fuller explanation. And/or ride out the broken. It won't last forever. Very little does.