Sunday, February 22, 2009

I am, in general, very disappointed in the Oscars this year. Not for who won or who didn't, but because I just don't think they're done very well this year. I don't like the changes they made (for the most part).

But I have to say I am furious that George Carlin was left out of the "In Memoriam" section. He touched so many lives in so many ways, was in so many films, made so many people laugh. His comedy went to the Supreme Court because he was a man so far ahead of his time. And the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences couldn't be bothered to put his name up on the screen for three seconds. I'm sorry, but that's crap. The world is a sadder place because George Carlin is no longer in it. They gave Heath Ledger an Oscar because he died, but they couldn't even say goodbye to George Carlin. I'm sorry, but that pisses me off.

Mr. Carlin, you are greatly missed and will be for many, many, many years to come. Thank you for bringing laughter into our lives.
The first Cubs spring training game is on Wednesday, and it's going to be broadcast on the radio. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to hearing Pat and Ron again. It's like summer might actually get here.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

I've never owned a Bob Dylan record. I heard his music on the radio, or snippets in movies and stuff, but I never stopped to buy a Bob Dylan record until about a week ago. And I can't stop listening. He has a terrible voice, that heals my soul. It is exactly the kind of music I need as I hand my life back over to the Universe to do with as it pleases. By which, I just mean that I've been trying to be an artist for so long now and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Meanwhile, I'm not trying to be a corporate business-type person, but I just got promoted to a position I'm not at all qualified for and when I told my bosses that I'm not at all qualified for it, they essentially told me they don't care - they think I'll be great at it anyway.

So what does this say about my life? I think it says that my life is going to happen whether or not I want it to, but it may not happen the way I want it to. And I can spend my time fighting to make it something different, or I can just ride it out, see where it goes, and trust that things will work out.

And somehow, to hear Bob Dylan sing "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" just makes it all okay. It's a passive-aggressive anger song, it's the greatest break up song ever, and it's completely hopeful at the same time. Because all of this other stuff sucked ass but just forget about it, it's all right (or will be all right). And he reminds me why I write music. And he reminds me of the kind of music I want to write. I don't know that I would have connected to Bob Dylan at an earlier time in my life - I probably wouldn't have because I would usually change the station during "Mr. Tambourine Man" but now I'm hanging on every word.

Thank you, Mr. Dylan, for comforting my aching soul. Thank you for your beauty. And thank whatever it was that made me buy your album a week and a half ago.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

So it's been a really long time since I posted anything, so this is going to be a bit of a brain dump.

I honestly think that one of the best uses of my time just now is spending time with my cat. Letting him sleep on my lap, playing with him, whatever. It just feels like good energy getting pumped into a place in the universe that could use it.

My tomato plants are growing like gang busters. However it is that gang busters grow. I have little tomato plants that actually look nothing like gang busters, but they're getting bigger every day.

I wonder if I've always had the problems sleeping that I've been having lately.

I think moving this summer could be a really good thing. The apartment I'm in started off with a really weird energy, brought on by a fight with a friend. If I move to a new place, I can start it off with good energy. And I might get a better kitchen.

I wonder if other languages get as destroyed as the English language does. Clowns becoming klowns when they're killers from outer space. Izziling words to make them "street." Shortening everything because we're too lazy to speak more than once syllable at a time. How do you say, "Fo sheezy" in Chinese? Do the Chinese have any interest in having the ability to say "Fo sheezy?"

I saw a woman on the train today with a nose even smaller than mine and I couldn't help but wonder if she has the same sinus issues I do.

It is gratifying to see that there are places in the world where good deeds are recognized, and to know that even though everyone else thinks you're crazy for trying, someone is paying attention. It does also inspire a bit of guilt to know that I got something good that not a lot of people are getting right about now. But considering how far behind I was in some respects, it's nice to be gaining a little ground.

I never, in a million years, would have thought I would be going where I'm going now. But all of the places I've wanted to go for the last fifteen years aren't panning out, so maybe it's time I just sat back and went where my life wants me to go. Like when you stop looking for love, love finds you. Maybe when I stop fighting so hard, the things I'm fighting for will happen anyway. I just hope I can still get away with wearing sneakers.

And now my cat is looking at me with the "Mommy, make my favorite lap" look, so we've come full circle and I can hit publish.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

So I'm realizing that I've been grumpy a lot longer than most people should be grumpy. And I'm grumpy about a lot of things. And I'm tired of being grumpy, but I'm not sure how to un-grumpy, particularly when my apartment is being insufficiently heated. I think we all know how much I hate being cold. I'm about ready to report my property management company to the city. It's 62 degrees in my apartment, and that's WITH the plastic stuff on my windows. I feel sorry for the other tenants who didn't put any up.

So I think I've decided to move this summer when my lease is up, mostly in the hopes that I'll move somewhere where the heat works on a consistent, daily basis, without me having to call and yell and scream. I know, I'm asking for a lot. But it gets me thinking - if I'm going to make a drastic move, now might be the time to do it. Try another city. See what happens. Yes, my family is in Chicago and I would have a hard time leaving them, but if it was a temporary thing... My band is once again down to just two members, so we don't have a lot on the horizon on that front just now. I'm not a member of a theater company anymore. Yes, the job market sucks, but if I started looking now, I might be able to land something in four months in another city. I am an excellent employee with lots of useful skills and experience. But the thought of even moving to another neighborhood in Chicago kind of creeps me out. I love my neighborhood. I've been here for eight years. Going somewhere else where I'll have new parking hassles and different routes to take places and a different el stop and a different grocery store and different traffic's kind of a scary thought. Plus the hassle of moving. I've accumulated a lot of shit that will have to get packed up and carted somewhere else and then unpacked again. Not to mention the stress on my cat. He was not a fan of moving the first time it happened.

And this is me, once again being grumpy. A change of scenery will probably do me a world of good. If nothing else, the prospect of a warm apartment with more than two electrical circuits so that if it does get cold, I can use my space heater without fear is kind of exciting. I have my heater on now because I'd like to be warm tonight, but I made sure that just about everything else in my apartment is off.

And I could find a place where there is more counter space in the kitchen, or at least flat, even counter space so if I wanted to, say, roll out a pie crust, it would actually roll out flat. It's a lot to ask for, I know. But I know it has to exist out there somewhere.

So I guess what I'm saying is if you know of an apartment in a decent neighborhood on the north side of Chicago, please let me know. I could use something good in my life just about now.

(I don't mean that statement to imply that I have nothing or that I don't appreciate the good things that I do have. I have a wonderful family and great friends and a job and a cat who melts me he's so cute and I've stayed pretty healthy all winter. I've just been feeling like crap for seven or eight months and am ready for that to turn around.)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Well fuck.

I don't even know what else to say but fuck.

I mean, I guess I knew it was going to happen, but still. Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

If any of you out there are offended by this language, I'm sorry, but this is one of those occasions when a tamer word just doesn't work. It doesn't capture the disappointment, the incredulity, the frustration, the anger, and the sadness. Whoever came up with the word fuck hit a stroke of genius when using it as an expletive. It really is the best one. It gets all of that. It encapsulates the disappointment, the incredulity, the frustration, the anger, and the sadness, and so much more. And there is a part of me that automatically clicks into "silver lining" mode and wants to say, well, at least we went out on a high note. But the majority of me says fuck that. Fuck it. I'm sick of this. I'm tired of trying to be the mediator between raging egos and insecurities. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.


Sunday, February 08, 2009

I had a dream last night that I was dating a man who was so tall that my chin was about at his belly button. He got taller every time I saw him until by the end of the dream, it was just ridiculous.

I also watched this week's Grey's Anatomy this week and there was something in there about how applying large amounts of pressure to a stressed-out person (i.e. holding someone who is freaking out) will actually calm them down, lower their blood pressure. Which is why, I think, I had a dream about a giant boyfriend who would just hold me. The whole trade show thing I did this week was extremely stressful for me, not only from the perspective of the organizer/co-organizer/person who's supposed to know everything person, but also from the perspective of an introvert traveling with a herd of extroverts who don't understand the "you're lovely, but I really need to not be around you right now" thing. There was one night when I was really sick of people and really tired, but when I got back to my room, it felt weird to be alone. I invited my co-worker to come over and watch TV, which he did. We hardly even talked, just watched Family Guy and then he wetn back to his room to go to sleep and strange as it sounds, it was comforting to have him there. Maybe along the same lines as applying pressure when things get really out of hand. It's happened before, when I'm really stressed and freaking out is when I most wish I had a boyfriend who would just hold me for a minute and then go away so I could go back about my business. Weird.

Anyway. I'm home now and back to my introverted ways. I've hardly gone out since I got here, save a trip to the grocery store so I could make myself some real food. So tasty. I love to cook. I really do. I love making wonderful, savory things that fill my body with warmth and good energy. Like applying pressure from within.

Monday, February 02, 2009

So day one of my first business trip ever and I have to say, business travel is odd. It's just weird to see your coworkers out of context, but then to have them randomly start talking about work stuff.

And me, being sad little me that I am, I'm mostly wondering who commented on my Facebook page and stuff like that. I don't want to work - I want to chat with people halfway across the country. Oh well. I have to make some drapes now.