Thursday, November 30, 2006

Okay, I lied. There's more.

I'm wondering, and maybe if there is an architect out there in the audience, maybe you can tell me: do they teach you in architect school that when you're designing the bathroom in a house, that you should put the air vent in the floor right next to the toilet so that using the toilet on cold days is particularly nice? If so, that's a damn fine education you're getting. If not, keep in mind next time you design a bathroom. Your client will love it.


That's pretty much it.

How are you?

The heat came on all by itself today. I was really excited.

I dunno. I think I'm having another attack of the brown eyed monster or something because I'm wondering at what point does one surrender what one loves in favor of what one is good at? Even if one is good at what one loves, at what point does it go on the back burner in favor of one's responsibilities?

I started late. I think that's my problem. I started following my dream when I already had a responsible life built up around me, instead of doing it when I was more amenable to settling for less. And now that I'm trying to follow it, I'm so frickin' far behind everyone else. And it's hard. And it's expensive. And once, just once, I'd really like a break. Something big. Not something that could lead to something somewhere down the road, but something that really IS something. Just for me. She says in her best Ron Howard in The Music Man voice. But I'm serious. Something big for me musically. Something big for me theatrically. Something big for me personally. Any of these arenas would be fine. Just something big that is something big for me. I'm ready for it. I'm waiting for it. I know it's not coming, but I'm hoping and working as hard as I can to make it happen and I'm afraid it's just not enough. So I ask you, at what point does one surrender what one loves in favor of what one is good at? At what point does one surrended what one loves in favor of stability?

I am kind of flattered that my new boss (a very successful businessman, by the way) sees pieces of himself in me. I see pieces of my high school friend who lives in California who I know reads this (hi!) in him, but that's beside the point. The main difference is that at some point, he realized that he gets just as much of a rush putting together a business deal as he did making music. I don't. I get the biggest rush from performing. For me, there is nothing in the world like it. Nothing. I'm okay being sleep deprived and eating funky stuff and being single as long as I'm performing. That's where it is for me. Performing brings me my highest highs and my lowest lows. You can probably tell, I'm in a bit of a low right now. But I know it'll all go away as soon as I'm back on stage. I'm not ready to give that up yet.

I need to stop saying I'm a mediocre guitar player at best. I play pretty well. Not lead, but I'm a pretty good rhythm guitarist. I need to start giving myself credit for that.

And I need something big. Soon.

Or a financier who will pay me to create and perform. That'd be okay, too.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Still cold.

But I forgot one more thing I'm thankful for: I'm thankful that I'm no longer in a relationship with someone who was only with me because I was there and he doesn't know how to be alone. I realize that might seem like a bitter, spiteful thing to say, but it's a big step for me to say that it wasn't my fault. There isn't anything wrong with the way I handled that situation; it was doomed from the get-go because he wasn't really in it.

I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with me that would prevent someone from wanting to date me. There's plenty wrong with me. But in that particular situation, there wasn't anything right with me except proximity. No matter what, I would have been screwed. Oh well.

Hope you're all warm.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving, kids!

How about a nice laundry list?

I am thankful for my family. They are wonderful, loving, generous people and I am lucky to have them.
I am thankful for my friends. You guys keep me going on a daily basis with your love and support.
I am thankful for my cat, even when he's driving me crazy. He's the reason I get up in the morning.
I am thankful for my music. Nothing soothes my soul like picking up a guitar and playing, whether it is to a room full of people or just to my own four walls.
I am thankful for my theater. There is nothing like the rush of performance and the friendships you make working on a show, and knowing that whatever choices you make, they're okay and you're still safe.
I am thankful for my health.
I am thankful for tofurkey.
I am thankful for chocolate and fruits and vegetables and lentils.
I am thankful for my brain.

But right now, I am decidedly NOT thankful for my apartment as this is the FOURTH TIME IN A MONTH that my heat has gone out for more than 24 hours. Granted, it's not as cold as it could be. We're still up into the forties or low fifties during the day. But it's dropping into the twenties and thirties at night and let's just say it -- it gets cold in here. I've called the regular line. I've talked to maintenance. I've talked to the building manager. I've called the emergency line so many times, I'm surprised they haven't blocked my number. I've talked to the maintenance guy. Nobody seems to know why my heat only works for about two days at a time, and nobody seems to care that my heat only works for about two days at a time. So I'm going to have to invoke my tenant's rights and deduct money from my monthly rent payment. I have been without heat for eight of the last 30 days. That's just not acceptable.

So whereever you are, I hope you are having a happy and safe Thanksgiving and that if it is necessary, that your heat is working. Being cold is miserable.

Monday, November 20, 2006

You guys know that I love you, right? I'm not sure if I say it often enough, but I do. Thank you for reading my drivel. Thanks for sending comments on it. Just thanks.

Though I still love my cat more than you. Even when his breath smells like cat food. He's just so friggin' cute!


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Do I intimidate you? Seriously. When you first started reading this, were you intimidated? Have you become more or less intimidated as you've continuted to read?

I'm just curious because to me, anyway, there is a big difference between introverted and intimidating and while I see myself as very much the former, it seems that a lot of people see me as very much the latter. Which amuses me almost to no end. So yeah, just wondering.

Gotta go party now. w00t.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Here's how I would have liked the conversation to go:

"Why were you driving on the medium?"
"On the what?"
"The medium."
"Excuse me?"
"The medium."
"What's a medium?"
"The part of the road in between the lanes of traffic going in opposite directions. The medium."
"Oh, the median."
"Right, the medium."
"Why were you driving on the medium?"
"I wasn't. I was driving on the median."
"The what?"
"The median. There is no such thing as the medium of the road. The word is median."
"That's what I said, medium."
"No, you're saying 'medium,' as in 'not large or small, but in between.' It's a descriptor, not a noun. A person can't really drive on a descriptor."
"Just tell me why you were driving on the medium."
"I wasn't."
"Yes you were. I saw you."
"I was driving on the median."
"Yes, on the medium."
"Do you also have an uncle named Who?"
"No, Who. The man at first base."
"No, he's at second."
"First base."
"Nevermind. Can I go?"
"Thank you."

That would have been much funnier.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

So I haven't been online at all since Thursday. Largely because I've had a busy weekend. But yeah, not online at all since Thursday. And you know what? I only kind of missed it.

I'm sorry, oh great Interweb! I didn't mean it! I've missed you terribly!

See, the thing is this. My new job, I spend pretty much the whole time with my boss. Which is fine. He's really cool. But me, being an introvert, I get kind of cashed out on people by the time I get home and, well, I mostly want to not talk to people when I get home. I want to play my guitar or spend time with my cat or read or something. So I've not been popping online as much just to cruise around and shoot the shit. And for that, I apologize.

I will tell you that I have a very bizarre bruise on my right thigh, though. It's bizarre in that not only do I have no idea how I got it, but also in that it looks like someone dipped a field mouse's paws in red and purple paint and set him loose in a very small pen on my thigh. Or like I sneezed blood and grape jelly in a very concentrated area on my thigh and now it won't wash off. It doesn't even hurt. It's just an odd, spotty discoloration on my thigh from no known cause. And to make things even more confusing, my left calf muscle has been sore for a couple of days, but has no visible marks on it. Yeah, I'm not put together right.

Thursday, November 09, 2006


aka, Cabana Boy

Must have at least three years experience being a companion to women.
Must have body that makes me drool, but doesn't make me feel bad about my own.
Must understand that Cabana Boy duties do not always include sex; sometimes intense make-out sessions are as far as it will go.
Must be able to converse on at least a twelfth grade level.
Must enjoy music and movies.
Must be sightly dumber than I am so I can feel good about the fact that you have the better body but I have the better mind.
Must treat me like a gentleman in public.
Must not treat me like a gentleman in private. Unless that's what I want that day.
Must not get emotionally involved.
Must not expect me to get emotionally involved.
Must be willing to disappear completely in a certain amount of time, to be determined at the interview or shortly thereafter.

Nevermind. This really doesn't sound like that much fun anymore. Except for the "so hot he makes me drool" bit. But let him have a brain. Let him have his own opinion and his own life and all that crap. And let him be crazy about me. And let me be crazy about him. Is that really too much to ask?

Sadly, I think it is. Sometimes, I really think it is.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

It looks like yesterday was a great day for the Democrats. Yay! Which will hopefully mean better years to come for the whole country. And with any luck, another regime change in two years. Yay! And bye-bye, Rummy. You won't really be missed.

Politics aside...I do feel the need to say one thing about the elections yesterday. I didn't vote in them. I didn't have time. I honestly wanted to, even if it was going to be a partisan ballot, I really wanted to vote. It's important to vote, to let your opinions be known. I hope all of you went out and voted, whomever you voted for. I just honestly didn't have time. Left my house in a rush at 8am and didn't get home (or hardly a moment to myself) until after 8pm. Such is the life of a part-time worker and musician.

I still love my job. I do kind of miss not having a day job already, but as far as day jobs go, this is a good one to have. My boss actually listens to his employees. Can you imagine? I've had ideas about stuff that I never should have had ideas about and if I express them, he listens and evaluates and sometimes even takes my suggestions. How cool is that? We went to a seminar today and afterwards, all three of us who went sat and bounced ideas off of each other and talked about ways the seminar did and didn't apply to our work. How often does an employee who has only been with the company for a week get to be in on brainstorming sessions? How often does an employee who has only been with the compay for a week get asked what he/she needs in order to do his/her job more efficiently, and how often are those needs actually addressed? Maybe my experience with the corporate world up to this point hasn't been what it should be or could be or sometimes is, but I'm thinking this stuff isn't typical. And I love it. An atypical day job for an atypical woman. How perfect?

But it's keeping me busy. Very busy. Which means I might get tired of it some day. Not quite yet, though.

Other news...hmmm...I wrote a song that has a very crass verse. I didn't set out to write a crass verse, it just happened. The song itself is about some of the very wrong things people have said to me and how I have to not let that stuff get to me, so the crassness just kind of happened. But it's the kind of crass where even if the rest of the album was about puppy dogs and rainbows, they'd have to put the explicit lyrics sticker on the album and maybe check kids' IDs to see if they are old enough to hear that kind of stuff. I'm a little bit embarrassed about it, but I also kind of love it. Because really crass things have been said to me and I have to remember that that's not what I'm about. Anyway.

Yeah. It's not really fun to give my cat noogies, 'cuz he likes them.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

It's kind of strange to have gone from working two days a week to working six days a week. And thinking about work even when I'm not there. Don't get me wrong, I still like the new job. It's just strange. It's Saturday night and I'm thinking I should go out drinking because tomorrow is the first day in a very long time that I've had nothing I have to do. Not that that stopped me from drinking before, but you know what I mean. It's nice to spend an evening with your friends and not have to worry about getting home at a certain time to make sure you get enough sleep.

Last night may have been the first time I really felt like a member of the band. Which sounds awful, I know. And a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am an introvert, so I never assume anyone wants me anywhere. I actually assume nobody wants me anywhere unless they specifically invite me. Anyway. Last night I was able to contribute and since I had been practicing, I sounded pretty good. I think. And if nothing else, I actually felt like it was good that I was there. It's nice to feel like a musician, you know? Especially when that's what you're trying to do with your life.

I've been having doubts lately. I'll admit it. Wondering if I'm wasting my time and the time of the people who are, in one way or another, helping me on my journey to rockstardom. It's hard. I'll admit that, too. This is a very difficult career path to follow, especially when you don't have the right connections and when you never assume that anyone wants you anywhere. But I'm sitting here right now listening to four of my songs over and over again. They're really good. Each in it's own way, but they're really good songs. And I do know what I'm doing when I pick up a guitar. And no, I don't have formal vocal training, but I think my voice is coming along nicely. More than anyting, people comment on what a great voice I have. People kept applauding me at the sammich shop today, which was wonderful. And I got a very generous tip from a complete stranger at the sammich shop yesterday. He told me to "keep the faith." Why does it take random advice or praise from a stranger for me to recognize that I have the ability to do this? Maybe because it is ultimately praise from strangers that I'm going to need to make this happen.

My goal to find an eye candy boyfriend until Thanksgiving didn't happen. I doubt it will now, either. Does this mean I have to look for something real? Or can I stop looking all together?

Sorry. I'm weird today.

Friday, November 03, 2006


That's really all I got. It's ten o'clock in the morning and I'm already exhausted.

I started my new day job. I know, I know, some of you may be disappointed or disillusioned by the fact that I got one. But if someone like me was going to get a day job without "selling out," this would be the day job to get. My boss is super cool and 100% supportive of my creative endeavors. I get to wear jeans and sneakers to work every day, and there are two dogs in the office with the sweetest faces! I swear, most people take smoke breaks; I take puppy breaks. Just a minute or two to scritch them behind the ears before I regroup and get back to what I was doing. We've already spent some of our working hours in a coffee shop working remotely. And I get to use all of the skills I aquired over my five and a half years at the University, but I'm now using them for good, instead of evil. I feel like I'm actually helping someone do something good, so I'm motivated to work more. And for what was supposed to be a 10-hour a week for a month thing, I think it could be something much more. I may even get to do some teaching down the line. So yeah, I love my new day job and am so glad I found it. But I still have all of my other irons in the fire, too.

Band stuff is...up in the air. Don't really want to get into it right now.

Closed the Halloween show at my theater company and had a blast. I'm going through a bit of withdrawl, though, since I don't have another project lined up immediately. I'm working on it. This second set of headshots is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

And as always, the bright spot in every one of my days is my cat. He's taken to licking the condensation off of the windows again, which I think is adorable. Makes me wish I had cleaned the windows for him first, but oh well.

Hope you all are doing well and staying warm.