May 28 - Tired

I'm tired of living in a world full of so much fear and blame.

May 6 - On My Way...

So this happened today.

I know the who and the why and the how and I think it is really flattering and lovely, and I wish I had said more interesting things about being a woman playing traditionally male roles because I think that is an interesting conversation to have. But in any case, it happened and it feels absolutely lovely. As do all of the comments on various social media outlets congratulating me.

Thank you!

January 28 - Broken

I feel like a broken record, bitching about the weather day in and day out. It's really cold outside, kids. Not as cold as Antarctica, but cold enough to be really annoying for Chicagoans. And frankly, as a person who hates being cold more than just about anything, I'm getting really tired of it. I'd like to know when the warm weather is going to happen, just so I know there is an end in sight. I know there is an end in sight - it can't stay this cold forever - but I want to know when it is, so if it doesn't happen by that date, I can be justifiably pissed and figure out a way to sue the weather forecasters or something. And I'm not just talking about above-freezing temperatures; I want to know when we're going to hit eighty degrees Fahrenheit (twenty-seven-ish degrees Celsius for our friends across the pond). I want to know when I will be warm all the time.

And then on top of the persistent annoyance of being cold, there are all sorts of other minor annoyances creeping into my life today. Nothing to talk about on the interwebs, per se, but enough little things that when added together, they feel like a big thing that just has me grumpy. Grumptopotomus City, goin' on in here. And weren't you guys supposed to be drawing pictures of grumptopotomi to make me giggle? Get on that!

So then I found seeds in my clementines at lunch today. I believe they are advertised as seedless, but whatever. I found seeds. And I think, to try to lift my spirits a bit, I'm going to try to grow them. My pineapple is doing quite well under the grow light this winter, and wouldn't it be fun to have a little clementine tree in my apartment as well? Just the sort of thing to help lift me out of the mid-winter funk. Grow a citrus tree inside.

So I may be a bit broken by the weather, but broken people can get better if they really want to, right Frank?

January 2 - Dublin

We've been in Dublin for about four hours and already done things I will remember for the rest of my life. More on that later.

Dublin so far is awesome. Granted, we're in a sort of touristy/shoppy area, so there's lots going on, but we've seen buskers and had Thai food and yeah. I'm really happy here. Our hotel is very much cooler than we are - we're not posh enough to be here - but the people are really friendly.

And yeah, I know this isn't the most exciting blog post, but lemme tell ya - if you get into the habit of writing something down every day for a year, it's hard to break that habit. I'm sure I'll have more to say about Dublin later, and stories about London to share that I've not shared yet. My big take-away from this whole experience is that I need to live in another country for a little while at some point in my life. Preferably sooner as opposed to later. And that I'm really good at finding my way around places. But yeah, I need to live elsewhere for a while. Let's see if we can make that happen.

October 28 - Question Monday

I didn't know what to write about today, as I feel like I've been writing about acting too much lately or falling back on Haikus when I'm feeling lazy, so I went to the Twitterverse to get some questions to answer. And here we go:

Thursdayschild asked, "If you could erase your life and start over as a child in any location and (past) time period, Where, When, and Why?"

I think perhaps the more important question here is why would I erase my entire life? I've done some pretty cool things in my time on this planet and it has taken me a long time to build up all of my experiences, wisdom and expertise. And if I had to erase my whole life as it currently exists and start over as a child, I'd have to be a teenager again which was a thoroughly miserable experience. So while I have often thought that it might be fun to know what it was like to grow up elsewhere under other circumstances (i.e. one of the female children they kept in China, young boy in Germany in the 1940's who is torn between his love of swing dancing and society's insistence that he join the Hitler Youth, native Australian before the UK criminals were sent there, etc.), I think I'm going to have to pass in favor of holding onto what I have, rather than flying to that which I know not of. (There's some bonus mutated Shakespeare, just for you. Because I know you love it.)

Tomfromhr asked (and doomzTO seconded/built upon), "Chicago is consumed in a zombie apocalypse. Where do you move to start fresh? Bridge that with your escape plan so you CAN start fresh!"

Zombies. Yay. Everybody's favorite monster. I read something recently that said zombies are the American monster of choice because really, all you can do with them is shoot them in the face. They are a monster that begs to be shot in the face and as Americans, how can we say no to that? Personally, I'm more of a vampire person myself because, hello, Spike, and I like a little of the intrigue and intellectual stimulation a vampire might employ as he's trying to kill you. Besides, I'm pale as fuck so it works for me. Zombies can't even form sentences. It's like OK Cupid members on downers.

But okay, let's pretend there is a zombie apocalypse. My guess is that I don't survive because I don't really have an escape plan. The best I can come up with is a Shaun of the Dead style "hole up and wait it out" plan. But after that, I'd probably want to go somewhere with more outdoor space (and fewer stinky rotting corpses) than a major city. I've heard some people say that being on a boat or going to an island is a good choice. Maybe I'll use the zombie apocalypse as an excuse to go to the Galapagos Islands and set up camp. If we're all returning to nature, might as well, right?

Texancountess asked, "What is your comfort food?"

Just one?

I am one of those people who eats for comfort way more often than she should. Sometimes, it doesn't even matter what I'm eating, it is just the action of chewing that brings comfort (though, oddly, gum doesn't quite do it when I'm feeling down). I have seasonal comfort foods, too, because while my jambalaya is amazing in the winter, it's not so comforting in July. Summer is about berries and salads for me. Winter is about tomato-based things. Though a nice roasted garlic hummus and something to dip in it is tasty pretty much any time. And that's not even touching on sugary things...

I like to eat. Does that answer the question?

Thank you for your questions, guys! This was fun. So fun, I may even do it again someday.

October 15 - Note to Self

So during the scene I did for class today, my scene partner didn't believe a word I said because his character thought that my character was a starved for attention actress who would do whatever was necessary to keep the spotlight on herself. After the exercise, the teacher said I did a good job of committing to this character that they all despised, or at least she did. And she said that once again, I missed my opportunity to give my partner the great gift of my release because my defensiveness kicked in.

And I know in my heart of hearts that these are all comments about the scene, not about me as a person. But in a way, they are about me as a person because they are how I reacted to those stimuli. And I know that what happens on stage should stay on stage and I get to go back to my normal life where I'm not grieving a dead husband. But tonight, just for a few minutes as I try to improve my craft, I find myself asking the questions:

Am I the sort who does things just to get attention?
Do people in general not believe me when I feel like I'm being genuine?
Am I overly defensive?

Just a couple of things to think about.

October 5 - Mush

I have words.
To say.
About lots of things.
But not right now.
Words are failing me.
I would like to use my words.
But they are not mine now.
"I have nothing with these words. They are not mine."
"Nor mine now."
Tomorrow, I hope to be coherent.

Words.

August 27 - Unfit

I have lots of thoughts buzzing through my brain today that are completely unfit for the interwebs. I do not mean to say that I'm contemplating a public twerking marathon or anything that is unfit for the interwebs in that fashion. I just mean to say that not everything that happens in my life needs to be published somewhere where the entire world can read it. Sorry, Entire World. I love you; you know that I do. But some things, I have to keep to myself.

The problem with having all of these thoughts that are unfit for the interwebs is that it makes it difficult to think of something appropriate to blog about on days like today. I wonder if I had realized at the start of my Blog Every Day in 2013 project that there would be so many days when I just didn't have anything appropriate to say, and/or if I did realize that, why didn't it stop me from committing to blogging every day?

Suffice it to say, I'll have lots of thinking to do over the next few days or weeks or months and at such a time as I can publish the things that are currently unfit for the interwebs, I will. You might not be the first to know, but you'll know at some point. That's about the best I can offer.

And in the meantime, pizza.

July 12 - Nerves

I'm nervous about tomorrow's shoot. Tomorrow, we fence and we die. There is a lot that is going to have to go into these scenes and I hope we are able to get all of it given the time constraints surrounding the production. So I'm nervous.

That's all. And Pacific Rim is ridiculous - I can't wait for the movie physics guys to get their hands on it. This coming from a non-physicist. It is ridiculous. I highly recommend you see it so we can laugh about it together.

Have a good night!

June 15 - Um...

I have nothing wise or pithy to say today. But I do get to wear my Tenth Doctor suit tonight, so there's that.

Happy Saturday!

May 30 - Punny

I had something really insightful and poignant to say today, but I have completely forgotten what it was. The memory is the second thing to go, they say.

I don't remember what the first thing was, either.

April 16 - A Poem

Roses are red
The TARDIS is blue
This blog is a cop out
I had lots to do

I thought about writing
A post on a song
But it's getting late
And that'd be long

Tonight is a poem
(The first line is borrowed)
I promise you all
I'll write better tomorrow

April 6 - April 5

I didn't blog yesterday. I had every intention of blogging, but I fell asleep instead. It was a horrid day, and the sleep was very much needed, so I'm not going to worry too much about it.

I will apologize to you guys, though, for missing a day. Those of you who read this, if, perchance, you look forward to hearing from me on a daily basis, I let you down yesterday. I think in total post count for the year, though, I'm still doing okay. I realize, too, that it is entirely possible that a lot of (if not most of) the visits my blog gets in a day are spambots and spiders just trolling the web to see what things exist. To those spambots and spiders, I do not apologize for missing yesterday. I'm sure you had plenty to do anyway. I do apologize to the actual humans who read this.

I've got a lot on my plate for today (speaking of which, I need to make breakfast), but I am going to try to put up the post I wanted to write yesterday about discovering Mark DeRosa.

Talk to you soon.

April 2 - Spring

Spring is a really weird time of year for me. I love that the world starts waking up again, things turn green, the weather gets warmer, blah, blah, blah, but there are a lot of really odd and/or negative emotions that come with springtime, too. Even when it's not Springtime for Hitler. And Germany.

I love that the weather is getting milder. But I think we have all figured out by now that I hate being cold more than just about anything. Living in an apartment in Chicago, I do not have control over the heat in my apartment - I am at the whims of the radiator system that has been set up in my building. If the temperature outside is below 55 degrees Fahrenheit (about 13 Celsius for our friends across the pond), the heat comes on. If it is above 55, the heat does not come on. Sounds simple, right? Except when the outdoor temperature hovers between 55-60 during the day and at night, which it often does for a week or so at a time in Chicago during the spring. Then the heat doesn't come on at all for a week or so at a time, but the outdoor air temperature isn't quite high enough to heat the apartment on it's own, so it just gets cold inside. I know I should love spring with the increased sunshine and lovely, mild temperatures, but I always wind up colder than I'd like to be. I'd be fine with fast forwarding to summer.

I love that there is more to do in the city in the spring and summer. But I often find myself wishing I had a special someone to go do those things with. Until I remember, I'm rubbish in romantic relationships. I honestly am. Now, this is not to say I couldn't make a good girlfriend - I think I have shown glimmers of being a good girlfriend in the past (for the twenty minutes of my life I've had a boyfriend). I always find myself in a position, though, of having to balance boyfriend with the rest of my life - theater, various training exercises (roller skating, fencing, etc.), family, friends, work, my general introvertedness - and boyfriend always ends up losing. I keep thinking that when I meet the right guy, I'll want to give up some of my introvertedness to be with him, but maybe that's an incorrect assumption. Maybe I'll need to make a conscious choice to give that up for him. And honestly, that thought freaks me out. I treasure my alone time. Treasure it. I stay sane by not interacting with other humans for a couple hours every day. So I find myself in that really odd position of wanting someone around I can smooch from time to time and knowing that if I had someone like that, I'd be miserable.

Springtime also excites me because it's dress weather! I hate wearing tights and pantyhose, so I love it when I can wear a dress without the additional eight pounds of undergarments. But since I've been sitting inside most of the winter, I feel kind of gross. I'd like to show off a little leg or a little arm, but feel like perhaps I would be doing the world a favor if I kept all of that covered. This has been particularly weird lately, to the point where I don't trust mirrors. In my mind's eye, I am about a size 82 and always look greasy and tired. In the mirror, I look kind of cute and not nearly a size 82. The mind's eye thing makes it a little weird to go try to find a guy to smooch every now and again, too. So I sort of feel like I'm wearing dresses in spite of what society is telling me I should wear, instead of for the joy of being a little girly.

So hooray for baseball and warmer weather and fun things to do, but weirdness abounds as well. Meaning if I seem a little off, or do things that seem out of character, it's because it's spring and I don't know how to act otherwise. Anyway, gotta run to catch a bus. Talk to you tomorrow!

March 28 - Vague Blog

Anger, fear, frustration, confusion
Exhaustion, trepidation, terror, need
Swirling, engulfing, compressing, destroying
Shouldn't, can't, won't, don't want to

I have too much to say today and no words with which to say it.

March 22 - Friday Night

I must really be a grown up now - I'm spending my Friday evening using my tax refund to pay down my car loan. If I decide I'm feeling really saucy, I might venture out for an iced tea.

Watch out, Lohan, here comes your competition.

February 12 - February 11

I did not blog yesterday.

My goal was to blog every day this year and I did not blog yesterday. I could offer up excuses about it being a travel day and how I needed sleep and time with my cat when I got home and blah blah blah blah blah but the fact of the matter is, I did not blog yesterday.

Now, I do not necessarily see this as a failure. As much as I love you, my darling readers, I keep this blog for me. I wanted to write every day this year to get myself back into the habit of writing. I'm not saying I wouldn't love an audience and feedback and a community and all of that stuff, but if that stuff doesn't happen, I still want to write in this blog for me. For my own reasons and my own sanity. And the fact that I did not write yesterday must mean that I needed to not write yesterday. And I'm okay with that.

Now, on the off chance one of you is keeping score, I am already up on the year because there have been days when I have posted more than once. I may try to make today a day wherein I post more than once, too. In any case, I'm not beating myself up about it. And I'm also not giving up. One day off does not mean my goal of getting back in the habit of writing is squished. It means I took a day off.

I'll be back tomorrow, though, I swear.

February 9 - The Trick

In a lot of ways, I still feel very young. There are a lot of "grown up" milestones I haven't hit yet - I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't own property - which makes me feel...young. And as a person who feels young a lot of the time, I also find I'm the sort who, I dunno, looks to others for guidance or lets people tell me what to do.

And then, every now and again, someone older than me who is in a position in their life where they should be able to offer some guidance says something so ugly that I remember how much farther along I am in my journey than I give myself credit for. The trick is to not become as ugly as their comments.

Ay, there's the rub.

February 5 - Injuries

I'm not the sort that gets squeamish at the sight of blood. As evidenced by my disappointment that the first episode of "The Following" was not more gorey, one might say I've built up a tolerance for that sort of thing. Yes, this could be construed as a sad commentary on my life, but whatever. I don't get squeamish at the sight of blood. Not even my own. I don't like to watch someone put a needle in my arm when I'm giving blood, but I'm honestly kind of fascinated by it. Not in a creepy "I'm going to start cutting myself" way, but in an "Isn't science cool?" sort of a way. Does that make any sense? At all?

Great. I wanted to write a blog about the fact that I cut my finger today while setting up for this trade show, and how I always manage to get some sort of superficial injury at every trade show I work, and instead, I've now alerted all of you to the fact that I'm odd. Not like you didn't know that before, but my "hey, isn't this a cool thing?" intro took a rather dark turn there for a second. And that's not what I meant at all. I think anatomy is interesting, I think chemistry is interesting, I think biology is interesting. And as my finger didn't seem to want to stop bleeding for a bit there today, I have blood on my mind. And a bandage on my finger. The wound itches.

Anyway, I always manage to injure myself in some stupid way at trade shows. Blood blister on my palm. Cut my finger on an industrial staple. Dropped a crate on my toe. Something. I always do something to remind me that I did actual manual labor at these things. I guess it's a good idea I got it out of the way early at this show, so hopefully it can heal enough that I don't have to wear a bandage while working the show floor.

Sorry. Bad post today. I'll hopefully have something interesting to say tomorrow.

February 1 - Focus

Happy February! It's cold outside!

The weekend has officially started, so I am focusing on pushing the negative thoughts and feelings from the day out of my mind and I choosing to instead focus on how marvelously wonderfully weird my life can be sometimes.

I get to learn sport fencing for "Hamlet." And the person I am fencing with is, I believe, a very talented performer. So right now, I'm choosing to be giddily happy about the thought of learning a groovy new skill with a talented partner.

Now, how do I get less negative and more weird in my life?