June 12 - Beauty

I was thinking about our society's standards of beauty this morning and then a friend of mine sent me a link to this article which said kind of exactly what I was thinking about, so I thought that yes, I should write about this today. I know that what I am going to say here is nothing that hasn't been said before by me and by others (and probably said better by the others), but it is still a thing and I don't think it will change if we stop talking about it, so I'm going to keep talking about it until it does. So there.

Confession time: I often think about things I would say if I was being interviewed on a talk show. It's fun to imagine, and as an actor, not completely outside the realm of things I might have to think about one day. And depending on the day, these imaginary conversations I have with interviewers range in topic from what is going on in the world to why I'm vegan to my physical appearance and how it is outside of the Hollywood norm. You know, the stuff I talk about here on this blog. And most recently, I've been having these imaginary conversations about my appearance.

Because here is the thing: I will never be a size 2. I'm pretty sure it is not in my genetic make-up to allow me to be a size 2. Maybe twenty years ago had I starved myself and worked out all of the time, I could have been, but I am not now and I don't think anything short of major surgery will get me down to a size 2. In my personal life, as I'm walking down the street to and from work, or hanging out with my friends, I am perfectly fine with the fact that I am not now, nor will ever be, a size 2. I have a face that is really nice to look at, and am physically strong enough to do most things that I want to do. I am not unhealthy. And judging by the hoots and hollers and catcalls that I get (and sincere, honest friendships that I have, too), I feel pretty safe in saying people find me attractive. The catcallers for physical reasons; my friends for reasons beyond the physical. And while I am able to say now that I am a good looking woman, I am also able to say I am a ridiculously talented actor. I mean, really. Think about the different types of characters I have played. Think about how many directors have taken the time to let me know they wish they could have used me but there wasn't a part for me in that particular show. Think about how many roles I have been completely wrong for but was cast in anyway, or that have been changed in some significant manner, so that I could play them. I think all of these things say something about my abilities. As do the comments I have gotten from directors and fellow cast members that I inspire them to step up their game. These comments are insanely flattering and completely humbling, and I treasure them. And when you put all of these things together, the only logical conclusion to be drawn from them is that I am really good at what I do. If I wasn't, my career would look very different than it does.

But I just sent out a mailing to talent agents to try to find representation. And I am almost certain that a) I will not hear back from any of them, or b) I will hear back from at least one that recommends I lose 20-30 pounds before they will represent me. Why? Because I am not a size 2.

So I was imagining myself on a talk show, talking about a project I starred in and kicked ass in despite the size of my derriere, and the interviewer and I got talking about body image things. And I very smartly (I thought) brought up the variety that is allowed, or tolerated, or encouraged, in male movie stars. Chris Evans, Tom Hiddleston, Philip Seymour Hoffman, James Earl Jones, Benedict Cumberbatch, Collin Firth, Will Smith, Michael Cera, Simon Pegg, Denzel Washington, Samuel L. Jackson, Nick Frost, Morgan Freeman, Sylvester Stallone, Bryan Cranston, James Franco, Chris O'Dowd - they all have different body types, different facial shapes, different hair styles, and yet all of them have played leading men. Perhaps different kinds of leading men (did Phillip Seymour Hoffman ever play a romantic lead?), but leading men nonetheless. And most of them are, or were, the best in the business at one point or another. Most of those men have won major awards for their work, regardless of their trouser size, their jawline, or their height. When we look at the women currently making big bucks in Hollywood, they're told that they have to be a size 2 in order to get leading roles. The two notable exceptions are Melissa McCarthy and Lena Dunham. Possibly Christina Hendricks, too. For most women of larger-than-size-2-size, if they do get a lead in something, it is an indie film, they are not a romantic lead, and they don't get a whole lot of work afterward (Gabourey Sidibe) other than character work. The article linked above mentioned how similar Anna Kendrick, Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Ashley Greene all look, and it is true. We, as a society, seem to like only one sort of woman when it comes to "who someone could fall in love with," and anyone who looks different to her is background noise. At least as far as Hollywood is concerned. We can forgive any physical difference in our men, but not in our women.

Granted, I am making gross exaggerations. There are the Lucy Lius (who is still tiny) and the Salma Hayaks (who is still tiny) and the Kerry Washingtons (who is still tiny) representing different looks. I would venture to say, though, that there are more women in film who look like other women in film than women in film who look like the women you see walking down the street every day.

I'm ready for this to change. But as I read casting notice after casting notice that includes something about "must be petite" or "small build" or "skinny and very attractive, somewhat exotic looking," I see that this isn't going to be changing any time soon.

I wonder how much of it has to do with the fantasy aspect of storytelling. Men writing about straight characters always fantasize that the man, no matter what he looks like, will end up with the supermodel. Women writing about straight characters always fantasize that the woman will be so gorgeous she could have any man she wants. I wish we could all, collectively, stop thinking this way. I wish we noticed how many of the people we treasure most in our lives do not fit the "Hollywood ideal" and how little that matters in regard to how much or why we love them. Maybe by acknowledging this, we can change the way we tell stories to include women who look like women - our moms, our sisters, our daughters - instead of making every female character description "skinny, hooker with a heart of gold."

In the meantime, I have to hope that the fact that I am a ridiculously talented actor is enough to let me play some great role that gets me on a talk show so I can publicly talk about how our attitudes towards women's bodies need to change. Because like that article said, it's great that someone as non-traditionally Hollywood as Benedict Cumberbatch is such a popular actor now. Now we just need the same allowances extended to actresses, too.

January 22 - Differences

Being single is actually a lot more awesome than people think. A lot of it has to do with personal freedoms, yes - you don't have to check with someone else before making plans, or check in when running late, or have a discussion about the merits of the chips and salsa dinner versus actually grocery shopping and cooking something. And you know that all of the hair you clean out of the bathtub drain is your own. Being single is awesome. 

But even moreso than the personal freedoms, I think being single has allowed me to know and observe humanity and the world around me in a way which coupled-up people might miss. This could also be in part because I'm an introvert, so I'm prone to observation anyway, but think about it. When you are out spending time with a friend or partner or spouse or child, most of your focus and energy is on that person, with maybe a little left over to wonder if you zipped up your fly after your last restroom trip. You're focused on being nice, on being responsible, on being entertaining, on being the sort of person your companion doesn't want to run away from screaming. Maybe not consciously, but it's there. And if you find yourself in a shared silence, you perhaps both go to your phones for distraction, disconnecting from one another and the environment around you. 

And then there's me. I'm writing this sitting in a restaurant having dinner by myself. Nothing fancy, lots of other people coming and going. Some of them might notice the single woman typing away on her phone, but most don't pay attention. Small children seem to be fascinated by me while I dine alone. But what none of them know is that I am observing them the whole time. Watching a dad on his own with the kids, trying to eat fast enough that the kids don't get too rowdy in public, and then packing them back into coats and Spider-Man hats before venturing out into the cold. The two bros having dinner together, one with what must be either old boots or remarkably hot feet because he couldn't make it through the meal without unzipping his boots and taking one of them halfway off. People jockeying for the best table or the best spot at the table. Flirting that means more to one party than the other. And all of it revolving around that great equalizer, food. We all have to eat; we all love to eat. We all become insanely protective of "our" food, and instantly aware of others observing our eating habits. Okay, maybe it's just women who worry about that last one, but you get what I mean. Food holds special significance for all of us and it is fascinating to watch strangers interact with one another around food. What could be more human than that?

So as a single woman, I get to sit and observe and study what people are really like. It's useful as an actor and just plain fun. And when/if anyone ever makes a disparaging comment or gives a look of pity to the woman dining alone on a weeknight in the suburbs, I sit comfortable in the knowledge that if I were to say to them, "I'm an actor, killing time before rehearsal," most of them would be sufficiently impressed to bugger off. 

This is my life. I dig it.