December 31 - Resolutions

This time last year, I was in Cardiff, Wales, being an uber geek with my best friend. Today, I am drinking tea and watching Doctor Who at my mom's house, and I'll see my best friend later in the day. Some things don't change and I sometimes thank goodness that they don't. 

I'm not much of one for resolutions. I've already laid out my career goals for 2015, and I'm looking forward to getting started on them. But in addition to my career goals, I think I want to make sure to put in the effort required to maintain my existing relationships and to build new ones. I want to put in the effort required to stay physically and mentally healthy, because without my health, I won't be able to achieve my other goals. And I want to be able to keep doing the things I'm doing. I want to keep being authentic. Most of all, I want to keep creating and being a positive influence on the world around me. Not just in the coming year, but just sort of in general. So nothing big. 

I hope that wherever you are, you have a safe and happy new year, and that at least some of your dreams come true in the coming year. And when they do, enjoy them. And then keep on dreaming. 

Happy New Year! And thank you for coming with me on this two-year-long blogging every day adventure. I'll be back sometime. Just not tomorrow. 

December 24 - Holidays

Today, I did some holiday type things - I baked cookies, I wrapped one last gift, I listened to Christmas music. And it was actually quite nice. 

Maybe part of it is that I'm happy to be back in Chicago. Ridiculously happy to be in Chicago with my family and my friends and some time to spend. Not that I don't love New York. I do, and I've met wonderful people there and done amazing things. But there's something about coming back to your hometown... Go listen to Frank Turner's "Wessex Boy" so I don't have to quote it for you. 

But I'm also wondering if some of the stress and anxiety surrounding the holidays in previous years has to do with how long the season lasts. In some cases, it is two or three months of buying things and menu planning and making lists and checking things off only to find more things to do, and realizing that since you have more time, you can do more stuff until you're right up at the end of things and you feel like you didn't do enough because you're still thinking of more that you could do. 

This year, I was in a show in December, which are up a lot of my time. It meant I really only had that one afternoon in which to do my shopping. And now I'm in Chicago with one morning to do my baking. So I've had to keep things simple. Downsize. Which makes the activities that much more special. I think if you listen to "All I Want for Christmas is You" forty-seven-thousand times, it loses its specialness whereas if you hear it just once, it can be special because it reminds you that this time of year is different. So maybe that's part of my problem with the holiday season. It is so long that it doesn't feel special. But this year, in keeping the season condensed for myself, I am more able to treasure the time spent with my loved ones and the things we get to do together that we don't get to do any other time of year. 

I am excited to go to my family's gathering tonight. I'm excited to hug everyone and see their smiling faces. I'm excited to sing and eat and exchange silly little gifts. I'm excited for Christmas this year. 

And to my friends and family, I love you. Thank you for letting me be part of your holiday season, and thank you for being the highlight of mine. 

December 14 - Holidays

I think we all know I'm not a fan of the holidays. Haven't been for some time. But I have to say, being 800 miles away from most people I know has made this time of year easier for me. Which sounds terrible, and I don't mean it to. I love my family and I love my friends. It wasn't until I talked to my mom today that I started to miss being around my family and friends at this time of year. But the reason I haven't missed them yet or been annoyed with the season is because I haven't been around people planning holiday gatherings. I haven't been talking to people about holiday plans beyond who is going to be away from the office or gone from the apartment. I've not been shopping much in places that play Christmas music. We've not decorated our apartment. So I have pretty successfully managed to avoid my holiday depression triggers that accompany this time of year. Which has, oddly, allowed me to enjoy the little moments of holiday cheer I have experienced. 

I went shopping today in a market that they set up for the holidays. There is a really big Christmas tree, an ice skating rink, festive drinks and food and tons of little shops selling local goods. I got all of my Christmas shopping done in about an hour and a half, because I've also managed to convince myself that just one gift for each person on my list is enough, not three. I came home happy, wanting to wrap presents and pick a cookie to bake when I get to my mom's later this month. 

And then the email came saying I didn't get called back. And the callback I knew I wouldn't get didn't come either. And there was nothing new and interesting to audition for on the websites I check. And tomorrow, I am surrendering my Illinois driver's license to get a New York one. 

I'm ready to be in Chicago for a visit. I'm ready to be with my friends and family for the holidays. 

December 11 - Birthday

Today is the birthday of one of my dearest friends. He is kind and compassionate and ascerbic and sarcastic and goofy and reliable and generous and is (almost) always willing to go along with my crazy schemes. We have traveled the world together and have had lovely evenings in our own backyards. He is honestly one of the most quality people I think I have ever met and I am honored to call him a friend. And yes, I'm saying all of that knowing full well that he will hate me for it.

Happy birthday, Bill! I wish I was in Chicago to raise a glass with you tonight.

October 31 - Halloween

It is generally the holidays when one misses family and friends who are not nearby. For me, it is today. Halloween.

I love Halloween. Always have. I love dressing up and playing a character for a day. Shocker coming from an actor, right? And in Chicago, my friends and I would always do something, even if it was just dress up and go have a drink at the local bar. I have friends in New York; don't get me wrong. But I haven't found the "hey, let's go get a drink" friends just yet. And just about everyone I know is doing something for Halloween already, including things where I would have had to decide a while ago if I was going or not and since I didn't decide, it's too late. But it's Halloween. I wore a costume to work, and I can't just go home and go to bed. I have to go out and do something. It's Halloween, for crying out loud.

My friend's voice keeps ringing in my head with some advice he gave me about moving. He has moved around quite a bit in his life, and he told me that it is always hard to find your local bar and your local group to hang out with. He told me stories of him going by himself to this place or that place, and just keeping that up until he would eventually meet some people worth hanging on to. So tonight, I think I am going to take his advice. There's a bar I would like to go to more often than I have, and they're playing the Rocky Horror Picture Show at midnight. Even if I don't stay late enough for that, I think I'll go and treat myself to a drink. Maybe talk to the people sitting next to me. Who knows? I might find someone fun to chat with for an evening.

I still miss my Chicago friends, though. But I have pictures of them in silly costumes playing in my head, so I'm not totally lonely.

July 4 - Fourth of July

When I was a kid, we had the Fourth of July routine down. Wake up for the pancake breakfast on the Village Green. Go to the parade and collect as much candy as possible. Go to the fireworks display near the local pool. It was kind of a nice way to spend the day, with these three events in which to participate. None was so long that it bled into the others, so there was time to process each one before heading to the next. 

This year, the big Fourth of July barbecue to which I have been invited is tomorrow. Today, I am prepping for it, doing laundry, and relaxing on my own. I might see a movie later, or I might not. I'm not sure yet. But what struck me about my day today is that I am spending Independence Day independently. We tend to think that to celebrate our country's existence that we have to surround ourselves with our fellow countrymen, grill some meat, and blow things up. In all truth, none of those things is really my bag - I prefer small groups of close friends, I don't eat meat, and I'm not a violent person (though I am a fan of fireworks). So what a sort of brilliant way for me to spend the day today. Doing the things that I have the right to do. Celebrating my freedom to be a little different from other people. And how lovely that I live in a country that allows me that freedom along with so many others. 

So happy Fourth of July to everyone out there who chooses to celebrate it, in whatever way you choose to celebrate it. Though I would ask that whatever you are doing, be safe about it. Please don't blow each other up. 

Happy Fourth!

April 20 - Thoughts

I'm not a religious person, but I wish a happy Easter to those who celebrate it. 

I know Easter is a big holiday for Christians, but one of the biggest take-always I got from it as a kid is that it is about rebirth. The resurrection of Christ, happening in the spring, the symbols of eggs and rabbits stolen from Pagan tradition, it's all about rebirth. I can get behind that. 

This morning, I woke up able to breathe through my nose, and with no pain in my leg. It felt wonderful. The sniffles and watery eyes came back mid-afternoon, but when I first woke up, I felt like a new person, or at least like myself again. Plus, to be able to open the windows in my apartment and get some fresh, warm air in was lovely. Not quite as dramatic as rising from the dead, I know, but sometimes you have to take the small victories where you can find them. 

Happy Easter. And may you find the rebirth you need, if you need one. 

March 17 - Irish

I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just say Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone. It's good to be Irish.

For real Irish. Not "Irish" as in "I put on a stupid green plastic hat and a t-shirt with some witty saying so I can get drunk at 10am on a Saturday in the name of someone else's ethnic pride." That's not Irish. As my friend Bill and I found out, if you don't chug your Guinness, you're not really Irish.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Go chug a Guinness.

December 22 - Fantasy

I fnd myself dreaming about sitting on a beach, or near a beach, under a giant umbrella, with a book and a fruity cocktail. I think I might have to try that next year. 

I was sitting in the Apple Store today because my phone hasn't been charging. I figured it was the cable, but wanted to take it in to the store on the off chance it was something else, thinking that would be the best place to diagnose the problem. It was the first I'd really been in a store during the holiday season this year. Grocery stores don't count. But I found myself surrounded by people wearing holiday colors and buying gifts and being super nice to each other and I nearly lost it. The holidays are historically not my favorite time of year, and something about being immediately surrounded by it like that...I nearly started crying in the store. Fortunately, I got back to my car first, but I cried the whole way to the grocery store. And during the two phone calls from family members that came later in the day. My complete holiday meltdown happened today. 

I'm kind of glad that I made it to the 22nd before I hit the "I just can't" part of the holidays. In an odd way, that feels like progress. I think it is due, in part, to the fact that I've not really participated in the holiday stuff yet this year. I'm doing my Christmas shopping overseas. I sent out cards, but they were mostly silly. I've not listened to Christmas music or decorated my apartment. And I think that is just about the right speed for me. Then I can enjoy my time with my family just as lovely time with my family. But today...

It isn't one thing that bothers me. It is a mixture of things that have built up over time. Which means I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm not sure how to get rid of the feeling that I am letting my whole family down by not getting into the holiday spirit. My upcoming trip is helping keep my mind elsewhere. Which is why I am now thinking that next year, maybe I need to go somewhere tropical for Christmas and bring back gifts for my family to give them on another date. Or something. 

I made it to the 22nd before my meltdown this year. Maybe next year, I can make it to the 23rd. Wish me luck!

December 3 - Holiday Cookies

So yesterday when I couldn't decide what to blog about, I asked Twitter and SuprMario suggested I write about holiday cookies. My guess is that she wanted a recipe or two, which I am not going to post here. But I do have a lot to say about holiday cookies. Or a little to say that involves a rather long story, so just bear with me.

I will admit that this time of year, "holiday season," is not my favorite time of year. It is actually probably my least favorite time of year, unless January and February are really rotten weather-wise. And I realize that my spouting vitriol at this time of year may be offensive to some, so if you'd like to skip this post, you are welcome to do so. There is a bit of a happy-ish ending, though, if you want to stick it out.

Like most small children, I loved Christmas as a kid. I grew up in a Christian household, so we celebrated Christmas, but I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up, so I knew about Hanukkah, too. I used to love going to either my grandmother's house or my aunt and uncle's house (they had a train around their Christmas tree) and eating warm things and sitting by the fire and opening presents with my whole extended family. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I have a particularly awesome family, and as I got older, I felt especially lucky that I looked forward to spending time with them at the holidays. I didn't dread it like the people on TV (and some of my friends) always seemed to.

But as I got older, holiday traditions started to change. My parents got divorced, and there was discussion about where my brother and I would wake up on Christmas morning - a tradition that stayed in place well after I had moved out on my own and didn't really stop until my brother got married. There was the going to church, but the church I went to changed from year to year (it was the same church my dad had gone to the entire time I grew up, but they changed things internally, and we stopped going to the church my mom went to when I grew up which is where a lot of my local extended family went), and suddenly, I felt really uncomfortable when they started doing Communion on Christmas Eve because I knew what Communion meant to the Catholic Church (we weren't Catholic) and it felt odd to just go up and take Communion without first taking Communion classes or having some big To-Do about my First Communion. I wasn't sure if I was supposed believe in the symbolic act or if I was supposed to believe in transmogrification or what - the whole thing just felt odd to me, but it also felt really uncomfortable to be the only person in the church not taking Communion. Suddenly, I felt sacrilegious on Christmas Eve. And I realize that they probably got tired of singing the same Christmas songs every year, but the music is the best part of the holiday season and they stopped singing some of my favorite carols all together (Away in a Manger, specifically).

Add to that the fact that once I was living on my own, I had the family gathering, church, my dad's house and my mom's house to visit for the holidays and even though they are all local visits, Christmas was turning into a 24-36 hour ordeal, with suitcases, toiletries, and different bags of gifts for each stop. This meant less time for me to prepare, less time for me to be an introvert, and staying over somewhere on Christmas Eve after going to a party and church always meant that my pajamas were cold. Cold pajamas are not Christmasy. They're just not.

I don't mean to poo-poo these gatherings. I love going to them. My brother and sister-in-law always open their home to the family on Christmas Eve and we have so much fun. It is warm and inviting and we laugh a lot and my sister-in-law always makes an amazing meal, including vegan options for me. And visiting my parents at their houses - my dad always puts out little dishes of candies and nuts like he did when we were kids, my stepmother makes us lunch (including something vegan for me), and my mom always has some delicious treat for us and warm conversation. My family is amazing and I love them and the effort they put into the holidays and the things they do to make sure I am included. I am really bowled over by the love and generosity they show every year. Thank you guys for that.

But it's a lot. And in some ways, I feel like the black sheep of my family. I'm an artist. I'm single. I don't have a lot of money. There have been many years when I feel like the gifts I have given my family are inadequate to show them what they mean to me. And I've also gotten to watch my family grow and change and expand so there are these little sub-families contained within, each coming with its own traditions that are specific to that little sub-family. I get to participate in the bigger picture Christmas, but I don't have my own little family (yet) with whom I've gotten to make my own traditions. I sometimes feel like I just get to ride along with everybody else's traditions - which is lovely. I love being included in them - but I'd like to build some of my own someday.

Which is where the cookies come in. There have been years when I haven't had a lot of money with which to buy gifts for my family. But flour, sugar, applesauce and spices are fairly cheap, so I can always bake them cookies. I get to fill my apartment with the smells of the season - apples, cinnamon, and nutmeg - and enjoy the coziness only a warm oven can provide. I get to pour all of my love for my family into rolling out dough, decorating cookies, and wrapping them into boxes or decorative tins. I can try new recipes or stick to the old favorites. I can make as many cookies as I have time to make. And by giving them holiday cookies every year, whether they eat them or not, I get to have one holiday tradition that is mine. That is my speed. That makes me feel normal.

So that's why I make holiday cookies every year. It is my way of coping with this season, participating in it on my own terms so I don't go absolutely batty. And in all honesty, I make some pretty damn tasty cookies. I'm just sayin'.

November 28 - Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year, my (not entirely inclusive) list of things for which I am thankful includes:

My mom, for not only tolerating, but supporting, encouraging, and participating in my lunacy. 

My cat, for always being snuggly and putting up with getting over a hundred kisses a day. 

My dad and stepmother, for coming to see my show last week. I know some of the theaters where I perform are difficult for them to get to, but it means the world to me when they come out to support what I am doing with my life. 

My friends, for keeping me busy and reminding me that I have a place in this world and am loved. 

My family, including those who have chosen to marry into it, for showing me what families are supposed to be, and for loving each other dearly. 

My job, because it affords me the luxury of living the life I want to, including an opportunity to see my theatrical idol perform live. 

The directors who have given me the chance to work steadily for the past three years, and my fellow cast mates and crew members from whom I learned volumes about what kind of actor and what kind of person I want to be. 

You.

My health, and the fact that my broken ankle from a year ago healed quickly and well. 

Me. My brain and the way it processes information. My body and all of the amazing things it can do. My sense of spacial awareness and the way it lets me function in the world. 

This time. We live in an amazing time full of awful things and wonderful things and it is an honor to have the chance to watch the world change around me. 

Red pandas. And bunnies. And wombats. And goats. And whales. And dolphins. And mice. And squirrels. And bears. And lions. And birds. And flowers. And trees. And all of the amazing, wonderful, brilliant, diverse forms of life that exist on this planet, giving it color and wonder and joy. Our planet is pretty freakin' cool and I feel lucky to live here. 

So yeah, I guess I am thankful for all the things. Maybe I am the "sunny disposition" sort after all. Crap.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!