April 27 - Observations

Old friends are the best friends.

And I miss roller skating.

*I promise I wrote this on Saturday and tried to publish it, but there was apparently no interweb connection at the derby bout.

April 30 - Homework

So I had an idea.

I read an article today about the top ten things Americans don't know about America, and a lot of it had to do with this sort of egotistical negative culture we've built up around ourselves. The article was written with a lot of love by a man who loves the United States but has lived elsewhere for a while now, which has allowed him to see the States from a different perspective. I think a lot of what he had to say in the article does ring true. As a culture, we shield our kids from seeing people make love, but it's okay for them to play war-based video games. Television shows like The Following and Hannibal are on network television and are lauded as gritty, risky, real and brilliant. Shows like Secret Diary of a Call Girl are only aired on premium channels during hours when small children are not likely to see them. We're afraid of love and we love fear and violence. I'm tired of that.

My mom also told me over the weekend about a film I have yet to see that sort of proves how good it is for a person to do nice things for other people, and how humans are sort of programmed to work together in certain situations. That gave me warm fuzzies.

So here's my idea. I have a homework assignment for you. Sometime on May 1 (since April 30 is almost over), do something nice for someone else. It can be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind you, or as complex as making a charitable donation to an organization you've been meaning to give to for some time but haven't yet, or anything in between. Smile at someone on the bus (not in a creepy way). Give the homeless guy on the corner a cup of coffee. Tell that guy at work that his new haircut looks snazzy. Email your mom just to say, "I love you." Just do something nice for someone. Put some positive energy into the universe. And then come back here and leave a comment telling me what you did. Let's see how many nice deeds we can do in the course of a day.

You are wonderful, brilliant, amazing people capable of changing the world. Ready?

Go!

April 29 - Veggie Nutrition

When I first made the shift to being vegan, one of the strangest days was the one wherein I craved tofu instead of other sorts of protein. I knew then that my body had adjusted to vegetable protein instead of animal protein, and I started to think of food in a very real sense as fuel, started to think of what vitamins and minerals and whatnot I could get from different foods. I started listening to my body more to let it let me know what it needed. When I craved tofu, I needed protein, so that was what my body told me to eat. It was sort of an odd turning point in my eating career.

This is not to say I don't still eat for comfort or out of boredom sometimes. I do. But when I tend to crave a lot of one food for a while, I start to wonder what I'm missing out on that my body thinks it needs.

Which brings me to the fact that I ate two giant parsnips (roasted with cumin and cinnamon) with dinner. I've been eating a lot of parsnips lately. What could I possibly be lacking that I need to eat parsnips? Is it the fiber? The folic acid? The calcium or the potassium? They also contain some B vitamins, vitamin C, iron and zinc - am I missing those in my diet at the moment?

I suppose there are worse things I could be over-eating at the moment. It just seems odd to me that I can't get enough parsnips now since I think the first time I ever ate a parsnip was five-ish years ago. They're just so tasty and pepper-y. I've discovered roasting them in a foil packet works better than roasting them not in a foil packet. They're tasty with just salt and pepper, or you can add thyme and rosemary, or cumin and cinnamon, probably curry powder, too. And I suddenly want to try roasting them and drizzling a little bit of lime juice on them once they're cooked. Ah, the beloved parsnip. Good thing I'm craving them like nuts now that summer is almost here and they're in season and the weather is perfect for roasting vegetables...

April 28 - Stuff

I spent yesterday with a friend I've known since I was eight months old. She's the sort of friend who has allowed me to change and grow as we've grown up, and I think I've allowed her the same, so even when we haven't seen each other in years, there is no pressure to be who we were before when we do get to hang out - we can just be us and interact as we are now. I don't think that happens vey often and I treasure it.

We watched a film I shot almost twelve years ago, though, and that was weird. Not because of watching myself on film or any of that, but because I could remember every single thing about shooting that film. I remembered how I felt shooting every scene, what happened in the mornings before I went to set, what the set felt like, the rehearsal process, how the costumes felt, the scenes I didn't want to shoot because I was completely exhausted but that ended up turning out really well, when I could actually hear "Granny" and what she was saying to me, all of it. I remembered exactly what it felt like to let that character take me over. And most frightening of all, I could still feel her just beneath the surface.

I suppose that speaks well of the director, the process, and the performance. Or of how like this character I once was in real life. I would like to think that I have made strides to not be her anymore, and I think I've been mostly successful. But it was a little scary to know that she is still there. Not that she is dangerous, just afraid of so many things. I don't want to be afraid of all the things again.

Anyway. It was a weird trip down memory lane in a lot of respects, but all in all, a lovely day. Old friends are the best friends, and all of the fears we have conquered help make us who we are, right?

I hope so.

April 26 - Burbs

I hadn't expected to see cows grazing today. Huh. I guess that's what happens when you venture out of the city.

April 25 - A Bone to Pick

It is a pretty widely held opinion that John F. Kennedy was a good man and a great President. Okay, not everyone thinks so, but a lot of people do. He did good things and was a great orator and had a fascinating personal life. I'm not going to debate any of that. But I do have a bone to pick with the former president.

Hats.

Specifically hats worn out of doors.

Prior to Kennedy's term in office, people wore hats outside. It was considered polite and appropriate, and people knew (especially men) that it was proper to take your hat off when you went inside. But JFK and his wife were fashion icons and he stopped wearing hats out of doors. He had quite the fashionable quaff and didn't want to cover it up or something, I guess, so he stopped wearing hats out and the rest of the country followed suit

And we know this is an American thing because hats are still worn in other countries, at least to fancy events. Just look at the amazing fascinations they wear in the UK. But in the United States? We have stores that carry "every hat under the sun" which amounts to baseball caps from every major league sports team. That doesn't count! Hats have brims all of the way around; caps have bills. What about cloche hats and bowlers and newsboy caps and pillbox hats and top hats sombreros and fezzes and fedoras? You can't say you carry ALL THE HATS if you only carry technicolor baseball caps. You're missing out on dozens of amazing hats.

I love hats. I like wearing hats. I like wearing hats out of doors. Baseball caps are not the best hats for my noggin, and I believe the lack of hats in modern American culture can be traced back to John F Kennedy's presidency when America stopped wearing hats. And somewhere along the way, we decided that baseball caps were appropriate headgear for any occasion, including spending time indoors. No. I want a better selection of hats to be readily available these days, and I wish we, as Americans, took better advantage of this fashion goldmine.

So thank you, Mr. Kennedy, for all of the amazing things you did for this country. But could you bring back the hats out of doors? If, for no other reason, so rich white guys will stop wearing toupees that are sad attempts to recreate your luscious headsuit *cough*DonaldTrump*cough*?

Thanks!

April 24 - Horatio

I am going into another Hamlet rehearsal in just a couple of minutes, and this is the first one whereat I will be working with Horatio. I've been looking forward to this one a lot because to me, Horatio is one of the most important characters in the play. Which may seem silly as he doesn't have as much stage time as others, but Hamlet (be she male or female) l loves Horatio dearly and confides things in him that she doesn't share with others. So I feel like I'm going to meet my best friend who I haven't seen in a really long time. Someone around whom, I can just be me.

She says about an actor she's never worked with before...

My life is weird.

April 23 - Thank You

I was the recipient of a random act of kindness from a stranger today. I don't know what motivated the act, but I thanked the performer of the act several times as sincerely as I could for the act. It wasn't anything big or life-changing, but still. It was a random act of kindness that should not go unnoticed or unacknowledged.

Thank you, woman I don't know, for your generosity!

April 22 - A Little Happy

Hi!

Hello? You. Yes, you there.

You.

Right there.

Yes, you.

Hi.

Guess what?

I like you.

Yes, you.

I like you as you are, right here and now.

Have a lovely day and I hope to see you again soon.

April 21 - Um...

Okay, so you know how I get emails that are not intended for me? Today, I got one saying an inmate has blocked my email address so I can't email him anymore.

I have not ever emailed an inmate to my knowledge, nor do I see myself doing so in the future unless someone I know becomes incarcerated. I certainly do not know the inmate who blocked me. But the really weird thing was that I found myself rather miffed that this inmate was so offended by something someone using my email address had done, that he felt it necessary to block me. What was the offense? And won't he be unpleasantly surprised to learn he blocked the wrong email address?

April 20 - Hamlet

We had another Hamlet rehearsal today, which included a tentative shoot schedule. Eep! It's getting real now.

But you know what? I think I can do this. And I think I can do this well.

April 19 - I Got It

I think I figured it out.

I don't know if I mentioned it in this blog before, but there is a show on Hulu called The Booth at the End which is absolutely brilliant. I love how it is done, I love the characters and their arcs, I love the combination of simplicity and complexity that exists within the show. It's really unlike anything else on television right now and if you haven't watched it, you should. Right now. If you don't have Hulu, sign up for Hulu so you can watch it. It's worth it.

Anyway, the premise of the show is that people ask this man in the booth at the end in a diner for things and he gives them a task that they have to perform in order to get what they want. I don't want to give too much more away because the beauty of the show is in watching that unfold, but the important thing to know is that if you want something, you ask this guy and he tells you how to get it.

So it got me thinking about what I would ask for. What do I want so badly that I would go ask a stranger for help in obtaining it. And I think I finally got it.

I would ask for a higher resting metabolic rate.

I think this would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. It would allow me to eat the way I like to eat without turning into Gilbert Grape's mother, and it would help me stay warmer in general. If I had more natural body heat, I wouldn't be so cold all of the time.

So yes, I would ask for something kind of selfish. Most of the people do. And I don't think there is too much harm in asking for something for oneself. And hopefully in asking for something that really only effects me, the task I would have to perform wouldn't be too unsavory.

So how about it, man in the booth at the end? What task would allow me to get a faster metabolism?

April 18 - Forty-Two

There is a man who turns forty-two today. Actually, I'm sure there are many men (and women) who turn forty-two today, but there is one in particular that I would like to talk about. I've never met him, but his existence holds special significance for me, as does the number forty-two, so I feel like I'm on a bit of a geek overload today.

This particular man gets to spend his forty second birthday filming the fiftieth anniversary episode of Doctor Who. If there is a geek Nirvana, that would be it.

Like I said, I've never met this man, and am therefore acutely aware of the fact that his significance to me could be considered really weird and creepy. This is partially why I'm posting about him here on my blog which he will likely never see as opposed to jumping on the Tumblr bandwagon or whatever. I don't want to come off as some crazy stalker fan with crazy expectations of meeting him someday or anything like that. I just want to try to put into words what his art means to me.

Because it is that - his art - that means the most to me. Don't get me wrong - by all accounts, he's a really nice guy and given the opportunity, I'd love to chat with him. Everyone I know who has met him says he is absolutely lovely. Whenever I see him interviewed, he is charming and intelligent and witty and fun. He seems like the sort who knows how lucky he is to do what he does and it seems like he treasures every moment of it. He also comes across as very well-balanced. He does not have his own Facebook or Twitter accounts, and he does not talk much about his personal life with the press. It seems to me like he has learned how to be an actor in the public eye without losing his right to privacy as a human being.

But his acting... I am drawn to him particularly because of the energy he pours into every project he does. Sometimes it's a bit much (like in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), but even when he is not stellar (which he is most of the time), he is fearless. He is present. He is invested. And he is so good in so many things. His Hamlet is brilliant. I've never seen him creepier than in Secret Smile. I think everyone who saw The Decoy Bride fell in love with him just a little bit. When some of my girl friends saw him for the first time in Fright Night, they said they completely understood my love and admiration for this man. There is even a silent short film called Traffic Warden where he's helping this woman get her goldfish back into water wherein he is so charming and delightful. At a time when being disconnected and apathetic is trendy, it is refreshing and brilliant to watch an actor who is invested, who is involved, who actually loves doing what he gets to do on a daily basis. And this brilliance is magnified by the fact that he happens to be a nice person who others enjoy working with at the same time. He did not have to choose between being nice and being talented - he has managed to do both. For that, I applaud him. Because of that, I look to him as an inspiration for who I want to be as a performer and what sort of career I would like to have.

(Side note: I'm not crazy person who wants to be him, but I am inspired by him to find my voice as a performer and mold my career into something I can be proud of from all viewpoints.)

So today, on his forty second birthday, when much of the internet is saying that he is now officially the answer to life, the universe, and everything, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you, David Tennant, for... Just thank you. I hope I get to work with you someday, and if I ever have that opportunity, I hope I am able to keep up. If I don't, I hope you get to see my Hamlet someday and I hope it makes you smile.

Happy birthday, David Tennant, and here is to many, many more.

April 17 - Rain

I will admit, I do like a good rain storm every now and again. There's something cozy about being inside while lightning and thunder are happening outside. Like snowstorms, thunderstorms are best when you don't have to go out in them, but can be fun if you do choose to go outside during one.

I will also admit, though, that rainstorms are best experienced in moderation, and not for weeks on end.

Mother Nature, I know you're angry with us for a lot of reasons, and you have every right to be. On behalf of humanity, I apologize for those wrongs. Can we please have seventy degrees and sunny soon? Just for a little while?

Thanks!

Well done on the whole "Great Outdoors" thing, by the way. Your trees and mountains and such are really quite breathtaking.

April 16 - A Poem

Roses are red
The TARDIS is blue
This blog is a cop out
I had lots to do

I thought about writing
A post on a song
But it's getting late
And that'd be long

Tonight is a poem
(The first line is borrowed)
I promise you all
I'll write better tomorrow

April 15 - Things That Are Not Okay

Things That Are Not Okay:

Bombing the Boston Marathon.

I'm sure there are more, but that is the big one on my mind right now. Hang in there, Boston. You can recover from this. And my heart goes out to the injured and their families.

April 14 - Twitter Topic

I didn't know what to blog about today, so I put the call out to Twitter for a topic. Nic Lake was the first to respond, and he responded thusly:

"Sports. Boobs. Music. Food. The Loop. One thing you can do next week that you really want to do."

So today is going to be a bit of a hodgepodge. Ready? Okay. Here we go:

Sports: I've been thinking recently about how a lot of nerds/geeks/dorks use their lack of knowledge about sports as proof that they are nerds/geeks/dorks. I take issue with this. I am a geek. I would run against Felicia Day for the title of Queen of the Geeks if there was such a thing as a campaign for Queen of the Geeks, and I think I would have a pretty good showing in the election (but she would ultimately still win as approximately 3,000,000 more people are aware of her existence than are aware of mine, but anyway). But I also enjoy sports. It has been determined that I am a huge Cubs fan, I've been to basketball games and futbol matches and loved loved LOVED learning to be a derby girl for the play I did in November of last year. Does this make me less of a geek? If anything, I would argue that it makes me more of a geek for the simple fact that I am wearing a Cubs shirt under a Cubs hoodie as I write this post. Geeks can like sports, just as much as athletes can be geeks. Or something.

Boobs: Mine are rather nice on their own, but I do appreciate a good, supportive undergarment that makes them look amazing. Does that make me vain? I don't really care. It feels good to have a good boob day.

Music: I recently signed up for an online streaming music service and at the same time that I put together a playlist of new music that I am enjoying, I put a playlist together called "Bubble Gum" full of songs that have a beat, have mostly stupid lyrics, and sometimes actually make me kind of ill so I have to fast forward through them. It's music to turn your brain off to, which is what I want to listen to from time to time. But somehow, in compiling this playlist, I neglected to add any Lady Gaga. I feel like my Bubble Gum Pop Music Teeny Bopper card should be revoked.

Food: Food is the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Mine specifically. It is my security blanket and my kryptonite. I wish I could quit it cold turkey, but I just really really really like to eat. I'm sorry; I know that's not cool and I know society says I should eat less and whatnot (and I'm actually really trying to be better with portion control), but I just really like eating. I'm not ready to give that up.

The Loop: Arguably the best variation to pull out with an eight-month-old who loves to play airplane.

One thing I can do next week that I really want to do: Hmmm...I've been kind of itching to go roller skating recently. Though I probably should schedule another fencing lesson for myself. And I need to get going on draping/patterning/building a bathing suit and a fancy white dress for myself. And I want to spend some time with my Hamlet monologues. Ooo! Or catch up on Doctor Who! (I might do that tonight.) Which means I will probably most enjoy when I have a few minutes to take a nap with my cat on the couch.

...and scene. Thanks for the suggestion, Nic! That was fun.

April 13 - All the Loves

I got to spend quality time with both of my nieces today, separately and together. The almost-one-year-old and I "ran" up and down the hall. The almost-four-year-old and I played games and talked about dreams and danced. And all I can say is I went home afterward full of all of the loves.

Today was a good day.

April 12 - Something to Work On

I discovered this website where you can upload (or link to) a photograph of a person's face and it will analyze the face based on the geometric ideal and let you know how close or how far said face is from the ideal. You match up various points on the face to define its parameters - corners of the eyes, top and bottom of ears, width of nose and mouth, etc. - and based on how these fifteen points line up, it gives you a facial beauty score based on geometric beauty standards.

Of course, I had to try it. I don't like to think of myself as a vain person, but I had to give it a go. So I uploaded a couple of pictures the other day - my headshot, one of me in high school - just to see what it said. The results from those pictures ranged from 7.01 out of  ten to 8.6 out of ten. The reasoning behind these scores was that my nose is too wide for my mouth, and my ears are too long for my face. The ears thing - I can buy that. My ears do stick out a bunch, and I've had self-image issues in regard to my ears since I was a kid. The gay man I was in love with for ever used to think they were cute, which I always though was bizarre, but whatever. The nose thing struck me as odd because really, I have no nose. It's tiny. It disappears in profile. If I were to ever get a nose job, I would have them make it bigger and give it some personality. So I had to try again.

I took a self portrait with my phone, straight on, close enough to see my whole face in detail, hair pulled back so I could get the ear dimensions right, and I uploaded it.

9.04 out of 10.

Let me say that again: 9.04 out of ten.

What?

Seriously?

I'm a nine out of ten? When did that happen and where was I? Why didn't I know about this sooner? The picture I uploaded was not one I would consider at all flattering, and it still says my nose is too wide for my face, but really? I'm a nine out of ten? Then why the fuck have I spent my life feeling like I was a three?

The comments on the 9.04 out of ten picture are that my face is too long, my nose is too wide for my face, and my eyes are too far apart. The horizontal symmetry of my face is good, the ratio of ear length to nose length is nearly ideal and the ratio of mouth width to nose width is nearly ideal.

I honestly don't know what to do with this information. I'm stunned. I know I have posted before about not feeling attractive and some of the comments were along the lines of "how could you not know you're attractive?" for which I love you guys. Very much. I wonder if it has something to do with how the surveyed surveys the surveyor surveying her. I'm guessing a lot of it has to do with media images of women and how much I know I don't look like them. And I wonder who I would be and how my life would be different today if I had grown up knowing I was a nine out of ten. Who will I become if I decide to accept, agree with, and embrace this knowledge?

I can already feel myself doubting the geometric analysis, putting in all sorts of caveats that there is a lot more to physical beauty that geometric symmetry and facial proportion ratios. Honestly, I'm afraid to tell those voices to shut up. Who will I be if suddenly I'm pretty and I know it? I sort of want to find out but am afraid there's no turning back if I don't like that person. I guess the only way to find out is to give it a go.

Hi. My name is Kitty and I'm a nine out of ten.

Yeah, that feels weird.

April 11 - You're Doing It Wrong

From the Desk of Miss Kitty
The Interwebs

April 11, 2013

To Cubs Fans Everywhere
RE: The Curse

Hi, Cubs fans,

Somebody decided to drop off a goat's head at Wrigley Field this morning in an attempt to break the curse and all I can think (besides "disgusting") is, "You're doing it wrong."

In 1945, Billy Goat Tavern owner Billy Sianis brought his pet goat to a World Series game at Wrigley Field and was asked to leave because his goat's odor was bothering other patrons. Billy loved his pet goat - it was his best friend - and was outraged that he would be asked to leave and his friend denied the privilege of watching a game. If you think it's hard to get World Series tickets now, just imagine how hard it was back then with no interweb, StubHub, or crazy wristband purchasing system. He probably spent a lot of time and money getting those tickets, one for himself, one for his friend, and to be asked to leave because his friend smelled bad was insulting. So he said the Cubs weren't going to win anymore. And we've not won a World Series since.

Now, I realize that people are fixated on the fact that it was a goat that was dispelled from Wrigley Field, but let's look at it another way. Let's pretend it was Billy's child, who happened to have a bad case of body odor. Okay, he probably would not have been asked to leave the ballpark if it was his child who smelled funky, but just go with me on this. Billy brings his kid to the ballpark, is asked to leave, and curses the Cubs. Do we spend the next sixty-eight years sacrificing, decapitating, cooking and eating children in order to reverse the curse? No! That makes no sense. They way to right that wrong is to apologize to the wronged party; not to continue to debase and insult the injured party. (In case you're confused, the wronged party in our hypothetical scenario is Billy's child; in reality, it is Billy's goat.)

It is possible that I've watched more sci-fi than you, which is how I know that in order to reverse a curse, you have to right the original wrong. In Poltergeist, they had to un-desecrate the burial ground. In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel had to know true happiness. Hell, even in My Name is Earl, he had to apologize and make up for all of the things he did wrong. This isn't rocket science, people, it's karma. If you messed up in the past, you have to set it right now in order for things to change.

Which brings us back to Billy and his goat. Billy wanted to watch a World Series game with his friend at Wrigley Field. He didn't get to, so he cursed the Cubs. If you look at this very closely, it would seem that the way to undo this curse is to allow Billy to watch a World Series game at Wrigley with his goat. There are problems with this scenario. Billy died in 1970; his goat likely died some time before that. And arranging for a World Series game at Wrigley Field...well, we all know the likelihood of that. There have been attempts to right this wrong by bringing a goat out onto the field on opening day, by trying to bring a goat into other ballparks where the Cubs were playing, by setting up goat-based charity organizations, etc., but the one thing that really needs to happen keeps not happening. Sam Sianis (nephew to Billy) was denied entrance into Wrigley Field with a goat in 2003 at what turned out to be the Bartman game. Sam and his goat had to watch that game from within Wrigley Field in order to break the curse. It shouldn't be some publicity stunt, shouldn't involve parading a goat around like it's some kind of trophy. A family member of Billy Sianis needs to be able to watch a game at Wrigley Field with his (or her) favorite pet. Simple as that.

I realize that there would probably be all sorts of concerns from the health department regarding having a goat in the ball park, and how close it would get to the concession stands and how do you keep it from eating other patron's hats and whatnot, but I think all of that is manageable. Pick a game when the special section for patrons in wheelchairs has not been otherwise reserved. Let the Sianis family and their favorite goat watch from there. You could tie the goat to the railing so it wouldn't get into the concession stands, and would be of minimal bother to the other patrons. And then just let the goat watch the game. My guess is that any nearby patrons who complain could be pacified either with an explanation that this is in an attempt to break the curse, or by relocating them to different seats so the goat can watch the game in peace. It's totally doable, and to break a 104 year dry spell, I think exceptions could be made. It doesn't have to become a rule that people can bring pets to Wrigley; it just has to happen once. Wrigley Field needs to apologize to Billy's goat for not letting him watch a World Series game. That is what needs to happen.

So for the love of all things Chicago, stop slaughtering goats! You're just making things worse.

A devoted Cubs fan,
MissKitty

April 10 - Two Months

So I have about two months to get myself into the physical shape I want to be in for filming Hamlet. So technically, Hamlet's father is dying right about now - how does she take that? Not well, obviously, but what does her grief look like? Is she an ice-cream-for-dinner-every-night grief eater? Is she a workout-to-avoid-dealing-with-stuff gym monkey? Probably not. She's probably somewhere in between. Though I think I could see her as more the wallowing-so-much-I-forgot-to-eat type.

Who am I kidding? This is less about what I want my Hamlet to look like and more about I don't like how far my tummy is sticking out at the moment. So two months. Two months of regular exercise and eating right. I think I can handle that.

I can handle that.

Right?

April 9 - Is This The Future or What?

As I waited for the bus this morning, I found myself wishing for pneumatic transport tubes like they have in Futurama or the Jetsons. I wouldn't have to rush out the door to meet my bus, wouldn't have to worry about weather, just hop in a tube and poof! I'm at work. I could sleep in later, too.

So if these are the promises for the future made to us by science fiction, my only question is, "Is it the future yet?"

April 8 - Opening Day

Many of the things I have loved most in my life were things I found on my own at just the right time, not things that were recommended to me by friends. That is not to say I don't enjoy recommendations, but the things that stick with me the longest, that mean the most, are the things I found on my own.

I remember listening to a lot of spring training games on the radio, what was that, five years ago? I love baseball - I grew up listening to and watching Cubs games whenever I could, so the hum of 40,000 people in a ball park, the crack of the bat, the pop when a strike hits the catcher's glove are all comforting sounds to me. And a few years ago (maybe five maybe six?), I found myself needing that kind of comfort, so I listened to a lot of spring training games. Often times, they were just background noise - when there's not a lot going on in the game, it's nice to just have the sound of the field on the side of your auditory palette. That particular year, I remember my attention snapping back to the game more often than not when some player named Mark DeRosa was involved in the play. I had no idea where this DeRosa guy came from or what he looked like or what his career stats were, but I decided over the course of those spring training games that he was someone I should pay attention to, and someone I wanted to cheer for. He wasn't a big name, big contract guy like a Soriano or a Fukodome. He wasn't the sort where half the fans at Wrigley on opening day would be wearing his jersey, but he played well, he played consistently. I found out later when I got a chance to watch a regular season game on television that he was also rather nice to look at. For a while, he wrote weekly blogs for the Cubs website, which were witty and funny and insightful, but not in the "well, we're nine guys out there on the field together trying to win games, you know, so you just gotta go out there and give it your best and hope things work out" kind of a way. He was known for having great energy in the dugout, and in his two years with the Cubs, he played seven of the nine defensive positions. He was the ultimate utility man, and I adored him. Adored him.

DeRosa was traded on New Year's Eve in 2008 and after stints with the Indians, Giants, Cardinals, and Nationals, he is now a Blue Jay. He's got one home run on the season so far, but has never played as well as he played with the Cubs. Mark DeRosa is that Cubs player who I found on my own, loved dearly, and will always sort of keep an eye out for while he is in the major leagues.

As the Cubs open another season at Wrigley Field today, I can't help but miss DeRo. DeRo, Chicago misses you. Please come home.

And maybe learn to pitch so you can school Marmol on how it's done.

Thanks!

April 7 - Theory

I think I'm going through some sort of regression. If it's not pizza or chocolate, I have no desire to eat it. I drank an orange soda yesterday - I've not had orange soda since I was, what, twelve? And you know how kids suck their thumbs for comfort when they are small? I never did that, but I did suck my tongue - like when you're trying to save up your saliva. Recently, I've started doing that again as a comfort thing.

If I am regressing for some reason, I guess I would be looking forward to going back to third grade. That was a good year. If I'm not, I'd like to get my taste back for grown up food, please. Tasty as it is, girl cannot live on chocolate soy ice cream alone.

April 6 - All Better

Acting makes everything better.

I've been thinking about it all day, trying to figure out what it is about acting that makes everything better and I don't know that I have the words to explain it. What I do know is this: I've been having a fairly rough go of it lately in my daily life. Not as rough as some, I know; probably not even as rough as most. But rough enough that I find myself angry and frustrated just about every day about something I either shouldn't have to deal with or something that shouldn't make me angry and frustrated. I had a moment this morning before rehearsal when I was so angry, I found myself pacing around my apartment trying to figure out some way to vent my anger without being destructive. And just like that, I go to rehearsal, read through some scenes, talk about relationships, high-five a co-star who also loves David Tennant, pretend to stab Polonius and Claudius, and once again, everything is right with the world.

So what is it? Is it the communication? Is it the collaboration? Is it the emotions? Is it the connections? Is it the sharing of an artistic process with other artists? I have no idea. Yes. All of the above. And then some other things, too.

Whatever else happens in my life, please let me be lucky enough to always be acting. Acting makes everything better. Please let me be lucky enough to always be acting.

April 6 - April 5

I didn't blog yesterday. I had every intention of blogging, but I fell asleep instead. It was a horrid day, and the sleep was very much needed, so I'm not going to worry too much about it.

I will apologize to you guys, though, for missing a day. Those of you who read this, if, perchance, you look forward to hearing from me on a daily basis, I let you down yesterday. I think in total post count for the year, though, I'm still doing okay. I realize, too, that it is entirely possible that a lot of (if not most of) the visits my blog gets in a day are spambots and spiders just trolling the web to see what things exist. To those spambots and spiders, I do not apologize for missing yesterday. I'm sure you had plenty to do anyway. I do apologize to the actual humans who read this.

I've got a lot on my plate for today (speaking of which, I need to make breakfast), but I am going to try to put up the post I wanted to write yesterday about discovering Mark DeRosa.

Talk to you soon.

April 4 - Tidbit

I rode the bus to work again today, and now I'm going to have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind all day that I parked my car in the school zone last night and it's going to be towed.

April 3 - Argh

I'm going to keep this short today because it is getting late, but I just want to say the thing I do most often that still scares the crap out of me and elevates my heart rate not in a good way every time is standing up for myself. Whether it goes well and the person I'm talking to realizes I am just expressing my point of view and opinion, or it goes badly and the person I am talking to takes it as a personal affront, I have yet to find a good way to come down from that rush without beating myself up and apologizing left and right. For standing up for myself. Which is ridiculous. Because if I don't stand up for me and tell people what I need, who will? Nobody. So I have to. But why is it so stressful?

Anyway. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

April 2 - Spring

Spring is a really weird time of year for me. I love that the world starts waking up again, things turn green, the weather gets warmer, blah, blah, blah, but there are a lot of really odd and/or negative emotions that come with springtime, too. Even when it's not Springtime for Hitler. And Germany.

I love that the weather is getting milder. But I think we have all figured out by now that I hate being cold more than just about anything. Living in an apartment in Chicago, I do not have control over the heat in my apartment - I am at the whims of the radiator system that has been set up in my building. If the temperature outside is below 55 degrees Fahrenheit (about 13 Celsius for our friends across the pond), the heat comes on. If it is above 55, the heat does not come on. Sounds simple, right? Except when the outdoor temperature hovers between 55-60 during the day and at night, which it often does for a week or so at a time in Chicago during the spring. Then the heat doesn't come on at all for a week or so at a time, but the outdoor air temperature isn't quite high enough to heat the apartment on it's own, so it just gets cold inside. I know I should love spring with the increased sunshine and lovely, mild temperatures, but I always wind up colder than I'd like to be. I'd be fine with fast forwarding to summer.

I love that there is more to do in the city in the spring and summer. But I often find myself wishing I had a special someone to go do those things with. Until I remember, I'm rubbish in romantic relationships. I honestly am. Now, this is not to say I couldn't make a good girlfriend - I think I have shown glimmers of being a good girlfriend in the past (for the twenty minutes of my life I've had a boyfriend). I always find myself in a position, though, of having to balance boyfriend with the rest of my life - theater, various training exercises (roller skating, fencing, etc.), family, friends, work, my general introvertedness - and boyfriend always ends up losing. I keep thinking that when I meet the right guy, I'll want to give up some of my introvertedness to be with him, but maybe that's an incorrect assumption. Maybe I'll need to make a conscious choice to give that up for him. And honestly, that thought freaks me out. I treasure my alone time. Treasure it. I stay sane by not interacting with other humans for a couple hours every day. So I find myself in that really odd position of wanting someone around I can smooch from time to time and knowing that if I had someone like that, I'd be miserable.

Springtime also excites me because it's dress weather! I hate wearing tights and pantyhose, so I love it when I can wear a dress without the additional eight pounds of undergarments. But since I've been sitting inside most of the winter, I feel kind of gross. I'd like to show off a little leg or a little arm, but feel like perhaps I would be doing the world a favor if I kept all of that covered. This has been particularly weird lately, to the point where I don't trust mirrors. In my mind's eye, I am about a size 82 and always look greasy and tired. In the mirror, I look kind of cute and not nearly a size 82. The mind's eye thing makes it a little weird to go try to find a guy to smooch every now and again, too. So I sort of feel like I'm wearing dresses in spite of what society is telling me I should wear, instead of for the joy of being a little girly.

So hooray for baseball and warmer weather and fun things to do, but weirdness abounds as well. Meaning if I seem a little off, or do things that seem out of character, it's because it's spring and I don't know how to act otherwise. Anyway, gotta run to catch a bus. Talk to you tomorrow!

April 1 - He's Back!

Rabbit rabbit!

Happy April Fool's Day!

Okay, though, this blog is not a joke. I'm not trying to fool anyone, I'm not messing with you, this is one I started composing in my head last night that just happens to be published on April 1. I promise, I am not kidding. Though there may be spoilers, so if you want to stop reading now, I'll completely understand.

My Doctor is back.

I'm caught up on Doctor Who - I finally watched the Christmas episode and I saw the first episode of the second half of Series 7 and I have to say, I breathed a giant sigh of relief. I feel (almost) like my Doctor is back. So much of what I have been missing about the show has returned. So much, in fact, that I'm willing to overlook a few silly things that kind of bother me, but whatever. I'll get to that in a minute.

Kidding, I'll get to that part right now. I don't like the new TARDIS control room. Yes, it is a bit of a throwback to, say, the 4th Doctor days, looking more industrial/art deco, but it has removed any and all traces of the TARDIS as a living thing. I would have hoped that after The Doctor's Wife, we would be more in tune with the TARDIS as a living thing, but I guess not. Oh well. I'm also not a fan of the Doctor's new coat. I don't think this Doctor has the panache to pull off a coat of that length and twirliness. And as much as I thought his catch phrase of "Geronimo" was silly and forced, I think his seemingly new catch phrase of "Shut up" is worse. "Shut up" is the mark of a slow mind that is easily flustered. "Shut up" is what you say when you've lost (either the argument or your temper) and can't think of a better way out of the situation. The Doctor is better than that. He's too clever for that.

BUT...and I cannot stress enough how big of a but this is...the Doctor loves Clara. He's not IN love with her (not yet, anyway) the way he was with Rose, but he loves her. He cares about her. He chose her. He was more invested in Clara by the halfway point of the Christmas episode than he ever was in Amy. I don't know if it is the writing or if Matt Smith grew as an actor, but the love in his face when he looked at Clara was absolutely gorgeous. That, just that, is what I have been missing for the past two and a half seasons. I don't really care why they decided he should become a hermit after losing the Ponds (who he totally could go find if he gave a shit about them), and I really don't mind the spiral staircase that seemed to twirl both ways as it led up into the clouds, and I am willing to look past the still somewhat simplistic resolutions to the storylines because the Doctor cares about something. He has connected to his companion. I think Doctor Who has lasted as long as it has because even though it is about an alien, it has been a show about the characters - the difficult decisions they have to make, the joys they share together, the wonder with which they get to see the universe. Bringing back a companion with whom the Doctor connects brings us back to stories about characters. When he connects to his companion, we connect to him, and the whole world of the show is open to us.

I really enjoy Clara, too. I'm interested to see where they're going with her - what is she? Is she Kenny from South Park in a much prettier package? Is it going to be some weird Doctor Who/Orphan Black crossover like my friend thought when he saw the trailer for one immediately after the other? But most of all, I like her because she is curious, she is smart, she is clever, she is sassy and sexy without being slutty, and she can keep up with the Doctor. Really keep up with him, not just shoot little insulting comebacks at him.

So for the first time since David Tennant gave up the role, I am looking forward to new episodes of Doctor Who. My show is back. And baseball is back. Though I'm guessing the Cubs will be a disappointment again this year, but at least I can see potential in Doctor Who again, so there's that.

My Doctor is back.