December 31 - Wow

So I did it. I think I missed three days of blogging this year, but I posted multiple times on other days enough to make up for that. I'm not saying they were all good posts, but they were posts. They got me writing again. Kind of. 

Speaking of which, we saw Once in London last night and it was brilliant. It made me angry with myself for not keeping up with my music, or for allowing myself to be afraid of singing in public for so long. I identified with Guy very much more than Girl, but Girl would be fun to play. And as Bill pointed out, I did get to play a female Hamlet. Maybe one day, they'll flip the gender roles and I can play the one ready to give up on herself who finds someone who believes in her. I've actually been the Girl part in some of my real life relationships - bringing the guy's dreams and talents back into focus. Sometimes I wish I could find someone who would do that for me. 

But anyway. I'm sitting in a Starbucks in Cardiff, Wales, largely for the wi-fi, so I'm not going to get too reflective on my year. But I will reiterate what I said yesterday, that I need to focus on a more direct path to get my career where I want it to be. No more aiming for side-doors and missing. It's time to shoot for the moon. 

Wish me luck!

And have a very safe and happy new year. 

December 30 - Promise

In 2014, I promise to up my game in an effort to get my artistic career on the right track. I want to perform in the West End. I need to get it together to make that happen. 

Promise?

Promise. 

December 30 - An Ending

I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I thought the Doctor Who Christmas special wherein the regeneration happened was terrible. There are spoilers below, so if you haven't seen it, you might want to stop now.

Okay, yet again, the Doctor and his companion are not together at the start of the episode. Why the fuck not? If she's the companion, why doesn't she actually travel with the Doctor? Why doesn't Moffatt want the companions to actually be anywhere near the Doctor?

They come together not because he needs her help or wants her around, but because she needs someone to play the part of her boyfriend at Christmas dinner. But the Doctor doesn't do Christmas - this is well established. And she needs him to leave a planet surrounded by every villain the Doctor has ever faced so he can pretend to be her boyfriend. And he goes. What the fuck?

The whole nudity thing was completely unnecessary time-filler.

So then there's this big thing about signal being heard through the entire universe and for some reason, the Doctor has befriended the head of a Cyberman which can translate the signal and identify the planet...that the TARDIS can't. What's wrong with the TARDIS that it can't identify the signal or the planet?

And then we meet another woman who has some rather forced sexual tension with the Doctor while Clara is exposed to the Silents. Why are the Silents there? Why are they not killing the people in the temple mainframe? But this temple mainframe thing can put the Doctor onto the surface of the sort-of-unidentified planet (or mis-identified planet), but he's not allowed to take technology with him and they see through his holographic clothing to see his TARDIS key, but they can't see through his wig? Which, again, completely unnecessary time-filler to have him be actually bald but wearing a wig.

So he gets his TARDIS back on the surface of the planet and finds the crack in the wall, because we haven't been saturated with enough throw-backs to rather dull things that happened in the last few years, and the signal coming through the crack is the question, "Doctor Who?" which the Time Lords are asking because they want to be able to identify that they have found the Doctor and can therefore return to this universe. Oh, and the Doctor also seems to have forgotten everything that happened in the 50th anniversary special episode, as he protests the possibility of the existence of Gallifrey and other Time Lords existing. But the Doctor is now in the position of either saying his name, which will allow Time Lords to return and the Time War to resume, or he can leave the planet, which means all of the baddies surrounding it will burn the planet and the seemingly dozen people who live there in the town called Christmas where you can't lie. So what does the Doctor do?

Nothing.

He does nothing. He takes no action. He sends Clara away via the Rose Tyler fake-out, and then proceeds to give up and grow old in this town called Christmas. Because apparently, if he just dies there of natural causes, the possibility of burning up the planet is taken away? And why don't the baddies, who hate the Doctor anyway (as evidenced by the fact that they keep trying to break into Christmas town to kill him) just burn the planet as some point anyway? His method of "protecting" the planet is disabling the tech that comes to kill him. (And seriously, who equips a wooden Cyberman with a flame thrower? Did nobody see that potential conflict of "technology?") He's not actually scaring the baddies away. If they all banded together to burn the planet in the 300 or so years the Doctor is doing nothing, the whole thing could be taken care of in a matter of seconds.

But then poor Clara has to return, and be sent away again, and return again, so she can tell the crack in the wall that he is, in fact the Doctor and that's all they need to know, so they send him some extra regeneration energy (which is, apparently also now a nuclear weapon of sorts), and he decimates the surface of the planet himself, thereby somehow magically saving everyone and taking his own sweet time regenerating into Peter Capaldi. Who did have a really fun line at the end.

So basically, we got sixty minutes of plot holes, forced sentimentally that ultimately failed, the Doctor doing nothing but talking about how he's lost hope and is going to die, and one funny line from Peter Capaldi.

Thank goodness for Peter Capaldi.

And can we get someone other than Stephen Moffatt to write the big, important episodes from here on out so they have, you know, something going on?

December 29 - Expectations vs Reality

It has to be weird to be famous. It has to be weird to finish doing a show and walk out of the stage door to find a hundred people crushing one another into the barricades, crawling over one another to try to get an autograph or a photograph. It has to be weird to try to balance the need to thank them for their support of your art, because without an audience, an enthusiastic audience who will sometimes pay ridiculous amounts of money to see you perform, you wouldn't get to perform, with your own need to go home and sleep after an exhausting performance. I've not experienced that first-hand, but I can empathize. It has to be a bit overwhelming.

And on the one hand, I am a little disgusted with myself that I was one of the hundreds last night, pushing forward, trying desperately to get a photograph or an autograph or to be able to say exactly the right words to let him know what amazing work he does that he would actually stop, look me in the eye, and say, "Thank you." For the record, I didn't try desperately enough, or I didn't say the right words because there was no eye contact, no good photograph, no autograph. I do remember what his face looked like while he was signing programs for the people in front of me - absolutely gorgeous - and I remember the smiles he gave to other people as he posed for pictures and thanked them for their kind words. His energy is a positive one, a gorgeous and brilliant one, as lovely off stage as on if you can imagine that. So while I am disappointed that I didn't get a memento, I'm glad I went.

And on the other hand, I'm relieved that there was no eye contact, no recognition of my existence as a person. Because even more than wanting a photo or a word, I hope to work with David Tennant someday and think it might make for an awkward first day of rehearsal if I were to show up and we had the shared memory of me making an ass out of myself. It would be hard to make it an even playing ground, and hard for me to show that I can keep up, artistically. And I know that I could. So for now, I will be content with the fact that I saw my idol do what he does best, he was brilliant at it, and if I ever do get to meet him in rehearsal someday, I can calmly tell the story of how I saw him in Richard II and he was lovely.

That's something, right?

December 28 - Exciting

As travel days go, today was a beast. But I am, right now, waiting for the theatre to open so I can watch David Tennant in Richard II. And I'm really freaking nervous about it. No idea why, unless you take into account the fact that I will be watching my artistic idol do what he does best. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it later, but I wanted to get something down really quick as I'm not sure when I'll have internet again. 

I get to see David Tennant in Richard II. It's not quite real yet.

December 27 - Update

I think I'm in love with Ireland. 

The weather is a little crazy and gross, and in all truth, I'd probably go batty living in a very rural area. But I'm having a lovely time and I've just barely been here 24 hours. 

We asked for a pub recommendation last night, somewhere with food that was open because a lot of places are closed on St. Stephen's Day. We took a cab to the Windsor, and the cabbie was lovely, so we didn't mind too much when the Windsor was closed. We walked down a block or so and found a pub that was open. I think there were only four women in the place (including the bartender and I), but I was completely comfortable. We had a pint and watched the Manchester City/Liverpool game. Exactly what one should do in Ireland, right?

Then it was off to find food, and we found a nice little completely empty Indian restaurant with really good food. And after a bit of a walk in the rain, we found another pub. I mostly wanted to absorb some Irish atmosphere, and we found it in spades. 

Again, there were many more men than women in the place, and the women were dressed up much nicer than the men. We're talking sequins, fur, and bling. While the men were in sweaters or button down shirts and jeans. After a little while, one guy standing near us came over to apologize for his friend's flatulence (it was rank), and chatted with us for a while. He talked to Bill more than to me, and I'm not sure if it was because he thought Bill was cuter or because he thought we were a couple and didn't want to step on anyone's toes. But he welcomed us to Dundalk, bought us a round, and left before we could return the favor. We finished our drinks and took a cab back to the hotel. 

All in all, a lovely evening after a long day of traveling. And today we're off to a wedding. It's already going to be hard to leave. 

December 26 - Flight

I've flown overseas several times before. What I've sort of learned about going from the US to Europe is that flights leave in the evening, you sleep on the plane, and when you wake up, you've landed the following morning. It helps deal with jet lag. 

The flight I took to Dublin worked a little differently, though. I don't think they wanted us to sleep. The first drink service happened about an hour and a half into the flight. Dinner was another hour or so after that. Then at about the four hour mark, they made an announcement and came down the aisles in case anyone wanted to buy SkyMall type crap. Then, with maybe two hours to go in the flight, they finally turned off the lights. Only to turn them back on about 45 minutes later for breakfast service. Needless to say, between that schedule and a screaming baby, there was not much sleep to be had. 

Nonetheless, I am in Ireland now. It is beautiful. I'll be glad to get where we're going so I can actually enjoy it for a bit, but so far, it is lovely. 

December 25 - Happy Happy

Merry Christmas, whether or not you celebrate it. I hope today is safe and happy for you. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plane to catch. 

December 24 - Cookies

I baked two batches of cookies this morning and they are fantastic. My friends remarked the other night that I could probably sell my cookies or open a shop or something, but I don't know if you can do that sort of thing if the recipes are not yours. Even if I veganize a non-vegan cookie recipe, I would feel weird about making money off of those cookies. Like the recipe is someone else's intellectual property, so it's not right for me to profit therefrom. Ah, the joys of being a creative type who is concerned with protecting her own intellectual property. 

I have absolutely no problem with baking said cookies from the recipes created by others and giving them away, though. And oh my goodness, do I make delicious cookies. I relish sharing them with others. So kind of a win-win, yes?

December 23/24 - Eve

I missed yesterday. I think that is the third day I've missed this year, and I apologize for that. 

But today is the eve of my trip overseas that I have been looking forward to for months. I'll be going places I've never been before and places I've already seen. And it is going to be amazing. I've already decided - it is going to be amazing. 

Oh, and there's another big Eve a lot of people are celebrating today, too. Hope yours is happy. 

December 22 - Fantasy

I fnd myself dreaming about sitting on a beach, or near a beach, under a giant umbrella, with a book and a fruity cocktail. I think I might have to try that next year. 

I was sitting in the Apple Store today because my phone hasn't been charging. I figured it was the cable, but wanted to take it in to the store on the off chance it was something else, thinking that would be the best place to diagnose the problem. It was the first I'd really been in a store during the holiday season this year. Grocery stores don't count. But I found myself surrounded by people wearing holiday colors and buying gifts and being super nice to each other and I nearly lost it. The holidays are historically not my favorite time of year, and something about being immediately surrounded by it like that...I nearly started crying in the store. Fortunately, I got back to my car first, but I cried the whole way to the grocery store. And during the two phone calls from family members that came later in the day. My complete holiday meltdown happened today. 

I'm kind of glad that I made it to the 22nd before I hit the "I just can't" part of the holidays. In an odd way, that feels like progress. I think it is due, in part, to the fact that I've not really participated in the holiday stuff yet this year. I'm doing my Christmas shopping overseas. I sent out cards, but they were mostly silly. I've not listened to Christmas music or decorated my apartment. And I think that is just about the right speed for me. Then I can enjoy my time with my family just as lovely time with my family. But today...

It isn't one thing that bothers me. It is a mixture of things that have built up over time. Which means I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm not sure how to get rid of the feeling that I am letting my whole family down by not getting into the holiday spirit. My upcoming trip is helping keep my mind elsewhere. Which is why I am now thinking that next year, maybe I need to go somewhere tropical for Christmas and bring back gifts for my family to give them on another date. Or something. 

I made it to the 22nd before my meltdown this year. Maybe next year, I can make it to the 23rd. Wish me luck!

December 21 - Haiku

Schedule full of stuff

Days still creep along like snails

Time is relative

December 20 -Veganized

I found this recipe online for lemon-lime basil shortbread cookies. I don't have the link in front of me, but if you Google that, I'm pretty sure you'll find it. Anyway, it sounded amazing and the only non-vegan ingredient is butter, so I figured I could pretty easily veganize them. 

Yesterday, I did a straight one-for-one Earth Balance margarine for butter substitution and these cookies are amazing. Seriously amazing. But it occurred to me, since the biscuits I make are super buttery when I make them with coconut oil, that these shortbread cookies might be better served if I made them with half butter, half coconut oil. So I tried again. 

Now, I've not eaten any of these cookies yet, but I did start chanting, "Oh my god, you're beautiful," when I took them out of the oven. And my apartment smells amazing. I'll keep you posted on the end result, but suffice it to say, I make some pretty amazing cookies. And maybe one of these days, I'll know enough about it to write my own recipes. 

December 19 - Words to Remember

It is amazing how the smallest things can make a person feel loved, appreciated, and important. And even more amazing how the omission of those things can make a person feel worthless. 

Remember the small things. They make a big difference. 

December 18 - Review

I have now officially tried Chipotle's sofritas. I applaud them for adding another vegan option to their menu - the vegan community is all over this one. And I have to say, it's pretty tasty. Spicy, so not for the feint of stomach. But tasty. 

I guess that's not much of a review. It's not an earth-shattering development in fast food; it is tofu and spices. But it is nice to have another option. I'd recommend it. 

December 17 - Snow

I have a lot on my mind today, but not all of it is suitable for the interweb just yet, so I find myself staring out the windows at the snow, which just keeps coming down in Chicago. This time last year, we'd not really had snow. There was the threat of snow, but it didn't really happen until January. Which I remember, because I had the great big walking boot on my left foot, helping my broken ankle heal. Christmas morning last year was the first day I was allowed to not wear the boot, for just one hour. I used that time to walk up and down my hallway and take a shower before going out to my dad's for the day's festivities. I so love not having to wear that boot anymore.

But this year, we're getting snow galore. And thanks to the blustery conditions in Chicago, even when it's not snowing, it looks like it is because what is there is getting blown around. It's kind of pretty, I will admit, even though I still don't like having to go out in it. And I'm really hoping it doesn't snow the day I get on a plane to head overseas. I really want to get there. I can already tell it is going to be hard to come home from that trip.

I have some thoughts, too, on the role of actors as it pertains to the promotion of their own work. But I think I'll save that for another day. Today is sort of about watching the snow fall peacefully, until I have to go out in it and I can be justifiably grumpy about it.

December 16 - Controversy

I have an opinion to express today, which may be somewhat controversial, but I think it needs to be said. 

I do not believe that breakfast foods are the pinnacle of the food world. 

This is not to say that I don't appreciate breakfast. I eat breakfast just about every day. But I'm not one of those people who orders pancakes at a diner every chance I get. Even before I was vegan, I wasn't all about scrambled eggs and bacon for every meal. And I think I have finally figured out why. 

My parents raised me eating fairly healthy food. We always had brown rice instead of white. Whole wheat bread. There was always fruit in my school lunches and yes, I always ate it. The closest thing we ever got to a sugary breakfast cereal was Honey Nut Cheerios. Or a boatlaod of honey added to Dad's Wheat Chex. And when my dad made pancakes as a special treat on the occasional Saturday morning, he made buckwheat pancakes and I loved them. 

I don't know if you've ever had buckwheat pancakes. They tend to be thinner, not as fluffy as buttermilk pancakes, but they have a lot more flavor. Surprisingly, it's a hearty, wheaty, sometimes almost nutty flavor. They are amazing with butter and syrup, or shaped into Mickey Mouse heads with blueberries for the eyes and mouth. And unlike buttermilk pancakes, they are filling. You can really only have two, maybe three, before you are stuffed. The only time I really had buttermilk pancakes as a kid was at my town's annual Fourth of July pancake breakfast, and my dad would remark every year that they mixed the batter too much and that's why the pancakes were always rubbery. 

So growing up, I got to choose between these awesome buckwheat pancakes that my dad made, or the rubbery, flavorless buttermilk pancakes I'd eat once a year in the Village Green. No contest - my dad's pancakes won, hands down. So to this day, I prefer buckwheat pancakes. They're even better when my dad makes them. But when you go out to a breakfast place, they never have buckwheat pancakes. Only those pale pillows I associate with hot July mornings spent eating rubber with plastic utensils. So I don't order them. They don't appeal to me. 

It's funny to think how the smallest things our parents do shape who we are. My dad was sharing his childhood (and a delicious special treat breakfast) with us when he insisted on making buckwheat pancakes. And it turned me into the kind of person who just will not settle for the sub-par pancakes served at most diners. And I am one hundred percent okay with that. 

December 15 - Yum

There is always that time right before a trip when I debate making good food to have in my apartment and not buying any more food so it won't go bad while I'm gone. Today, I made food anyway and my apartment is warm and cozy and smells lovely because of it. 

Making good food is always the better option. 

December 14 - Important

Sometimes, being a cat pillow is the most important thing I can do with a day. 

December 13 - What I Would Give...

There is a lyric in a Frank Turner song called Substitute that goes, "But oh, what I would give not to stumble but to really fall in love." It's really very sweet. If you want to hear the whole song (which I can tell you right now that yes, you want to hear the whole song), click here. I'll wait.

I've been thinking about that line a lot lately, and mostly what I think is yes. I would like that. It has been a really long time since I met someone who took my breath away when I first saw him. It has been a long time since I was consumed with the desire to make another person happy like that. It has been a long time since I sat and daydreamed about the next time I would see my guy and how brilliant his hands felt touching my face. And I'm not talking about celebrity crushes - those are a whole different beast. I'm talking about a man who I actually know in person who makes my heart beat a little faster, the thought of whom brings a smile to my face at random moments throughout the day, who I know is also thinking about me and smiling to himself. It's been a long time.

And this is also not to say that I haven't had crushes, or that I haven't stumbled upon crushes. Those people who you get to know better over time and gradually come to love more and more. That has happened, too. I'm talking about that moment of, "Wow. I need to know that guy." I'm talking about really falling, as Frank puts it.

I think part of the reason this is on my mind is because it is the holiday season, which is particularly annoying for single people. And part of it is because I went on a non-date a week or so ago that had all of the trappings of a date, but I really don't think either of us honestly thought it was a date. We've not chatted about whether or not it was, but I presume he didn't think it was. But he picked me up. We were dressed fancy. We had dinner and saw a show. We had a drink after the show. The conversation was very "getting to know you," but not in a dull way. He dropped me off at home. We ended the evening with one of those awkward-ish car hugs. Sounds like a date minus the kiss, yes? Even though I'm pretty sure it wasn't. But it got me thinking about how few actual dates I've been on in my life, and how if "dating" these days was more like this, I might be able to get behind the whole idea more. The "dating" I've done in recent years has involved meeting someone somewhere, buying my own drinks, finding an excuse to not invite him home afterward, and never hearing from him again. Or finding an excuse to not go home with him and getting bombarded with texts and phone calls until I have to say I'm just not that interested. It's exhausting. But if "dating" was spending time with someone whose company I enjoyed who was actually putting in some effort to make sure I was enjoying myself, too...I could be down with that.

I think part of this goes back, too, to the fact that we're all so afraid to let the people we like know that we like them that we play it cool all the time which, in a dating scenario, can come across as disinterest.

Which may be why I'd really like to really fall in love with someone who has really fallen in love with me. Someone who is willing to take the risk and let me know he likes me to avoid appearing disinterested. Someone with whom I have no choice but to let him know I like him, too. Quite a bit. How does one go about finding such a person?