December 10 - Ick

For the most part, I have not minded the cold weather in New York yet. It has been cold. It has been rainy. But it has been livable. Part of it has to be because I'm walking a lot more than I used to, so I manage to stay warmer when I'm outside thanks to my own internal engine. 

Today is miserable, though. It started out rainy, which it has been a lot lately. And then it switched to what weather persons might call a wintery mix, and now it is wet snow drizzle accompanied by ridiculous winds. I think I saw on the weather app I have that this is actually a nor'easter or some such thing and I have to say, I am not a fan. 

Then again, it might not be so bad if I had chosen to take public transit to my audition after work instead of walking the twenty blocks. Lord knows, when I get out of this audition, I am jumping on the closest train and will get home by transferring as many times as I have to in order to avoid the outside again. 

December 9 - Oddity

For two nights in a row now, I've been able to come home straight from work. No detours, no errands, no rehearsals or performances. I took the same train home that I took to work in the morning. 

This has not happened much since I moved to New York. I usually have something to do other than being domestic or spending time with my cat. But today, and yesterday, I just got to come home. It's weird. 

I'm not saying it is bad. I'm doing laundry. I grocery shopped. I moved my car to the alternate side of the street with minimal effort. I got to spend time being snuggly with my baby. It's a window into what my life would be if I wasn't a performer, if I hadn't been so lucky as to get involved in so many projects so quickly. 

It's a good thing I have three auditions lines up in the next five days. 

December 8 - Skinny

I'm wearing skinny trousers.

Not trousers that make me feel skinny, or trousers that I bought once when I was skinnier and couldn't wear for a while but suddenly fit into again. I'm wearing trousers that are skinny shaped. As in, I might as well be wearing tights. Except thicker.

I think we all know my feelings on skinny jeans. If we don't, let me reiterate: No one should wear skinny jeans except Iggy Pop in the late 70's/early 80's and Ewan MacGregor in Trainspotting. If you are neither of those people, you should not be wearing skinny jeans. I should not be wearing skinny jeans.

Here's the thing: I don't think people are making non-skinny trousers anymore. I was desperate for some new trousers that I could wear to work, so I set out to try to find even just a nice pair of black jeans or something. Something heavier than the nice black trousers I have been wearing to work so that my legs are a little more protected during the cold winter months. But I could scarcely find non-skinny trousers. They have skinny trousers for curvy women. Skinny trousers for skinny women. Skinny boot-cut trousers, which seems like an oxy-moron to me. Skinny stretch trousers. Skinny stretch denim trouser leggings. But everything is cut skinny.

I grabbed the largest sized skinny trousers I could find and tried them on. While they are not as terrible as I might have feared, they are not going to become my new favorite trousers. I don't like trousers that stick to my legs like this - I have to adjust where the fabric falls every time I stand up or sit down. I don't like trousers that require sitting down in order to remove them. And crazy as it may sound, having a fuller leg on one's trousers traps warm air inside against the leg and actually keeps one warmer than wearing these super tight, form-fitting things. And to make matters super annoying, I am ridiculously hungry today, so my skinny trousers are making me feel anything but skinny.

Please, Fashion World, please stop subjecting us all to the same trends. We're not all shaped the same way. The clothing shapes you decide should be "in" do not work on everyone. Please continue to make clothing of different shapes available to those of us who are not concerned with being "in." And Clothing Stores, please stop stocking only one style of trouser. Seriously.

December 7 - Small Things

Sometimes, it is taking care of the little, nitty-gritty things that makes me feel the farthest away from my home in Chicago.

Fortunately, I'll be back there to visit in just a couple of weeks, so I can keep the panic attacks at bay until then.

December 6 - Effort

Do you remember when "trying too hard" was an insult? Is it still? I think it is, at least in terms of people who try too hard to get other people to like them. Which means, I'm walking a very slippery slope at the moment. 

I feel like some people around me might think I'm trying too hard. Whether or not they do, I have no idea. But if I was one of them dealing with me, I might start to think I was trying too hard. The bad part is, I don't know if I care that much and I don't know that I'd be able to stop even if I did care. 

This whole experiment for me, moving to New York, is about trying. It's about trying to something really hard and giving it my all so that when I get to the end of my life, I'll be able to say I tried. Whether or not my career launches from here or not, I want to be able to say I tried. So I am trying. I am working hard. I am putting in the effort required to not only do a good job, but to stand out in the hopes that more work will be born from my efforts. I am pushing myself to interact with certain people in ways that I might not otherwise in the name of trying to build friendships so I can feel more at home here. I am trying too hard, but only because I want to say I did everything I could to make the New York experiment a success. 

And you know what? I think it's working. 

December 5 - Tired

The night before last, I got about three hours of sleep and yesterday, I felt fine.

Last night, I got about six hours of sleep and today, I am trashed.

Ah, sleep, you silly, mysterious mistress.

December 4 - Important

Last night after rehearsal, I got a chance to have a drink and catch up with a friend I've not seen in probably ten years. This is one thing I am really loving about living in New York - it is making it easier for me to see my friends who live on the east coast who I have not seen in a really long time. And chatting with these friends feels like home. People I've not seen in years, but we still pick up where we left off and cover who even knows how many topics and it's lovely and exhilarating and comfortable all at the same time. So thank you to my friend who was in town and met up with me for a beverage. It was so good to see you!

The downside of a lovely evening out with a lovely friend, though, is that it means I didn't get back to my neighborhood until about quarter after two in the morning. I'm not the sort who is freaked out about walking home alone late at night. For the most part, my neighborhood is pretty safe and there are still enough people out and about at two in the morning that if something were to happen, I could probably start screaming, "I don't know you, get away from me," and someone would pay some sort of attention. Possibly even the cops who tend to stand outside this one corner store some evenings. There are things one learns, too, as a single woman who has to walk home late at night from time to time that help make one less of a target: Don't listen to music. Stay aware of your surroundings. Look at people who are approaching you so they know you know they are there, but don't necessarily make eye contact so as to avoid inviting confrontation. Walk with purpose. Stuff like that.

So last night, I was walking home from the train and I saw a woman walking down the sidewalk toward me. When I got closer, she wished me a good night and happy holidays. I replied, "Happy holidays to you, too." She then started talking more, but I kept my hands in my pockets and kept walking at my normal, brisk pace past her. She had a very insistent and pleading tone to her voice, though, and said she needed to just ask a question, so I kind of paused. She asked me what the most important thing is that I could say to a person. I asked, "The most important person in my life, what is the most important thing I could say to them?" She clarified that it didn't have to be the most important person in my life, just anyone. I replied that I would tell them that I love them. She said, "They know that you love them, so what is the most important thing you could tell someone?" I said, "Just that. 'I love you.' That is all I would say," and I started walking away again. She tried to continue the conversation, which made me think she had a specific answer in mind that she was hoping I would say, but at the time, I just wanted to get home to get a precious three hours of sleep before my workday and opening night of Romeo and Juliet began. In retrospect, had she not had a bit of the crazy eye look going on, I almost wish I had asked her what the most important thing she could tell a person is. I couldn't read her well enough to be able to guess. And to her credit, when I started walking again, she did not follow, she just let me go.

I've been thinking about it, though, because it's a really good question. What is the most important piece of information you could impart to another human being? I think it would have to be something I know and the other person doesn't, and the only things that I know they don't know have to do with my feelings. Which is why "I love you" was the first thing that popped into my head. I think it is important to make sure that the people you love know that you love them. I'm pretty sure the people I love know I love them because I tell them, but I am also of the opinion that it doesn't hurt to remind them from time to time.

But I still want to know what answer she was looking for. So what do you think? What is the most important thing you could tell another person?

December 3 - Collaboration

So I've been blogging daily for nearly two years and I have to admit, I feel like I'm getting kind of stale. Or at least the exercise isn't producing the end result I might have wanted when I started out on the endeavor two years ago. My first thought was to make it through December and then release myself from the self-imposed obligation to post every day, go back to posting only when I have something really interesting to say. But then I had another idea.

This idea has the potential to kick-start this blog into something better than what it is, and also to gauge how many people are even reading it. Which also means that if nobody participates in this idea with me, I'll probably just stop the daily thing and blog when I have something to say. But my idea is to have a blog where you guys get to pick the topics. All of them. And they can be whatever you want them to be.

My thought is to start a public Google calendar where you guys can fill in the topics for each day of the year. They can be random, they can be poignant, if you want to claim your birthday now for a special shout-out, go for it. Whatever you'd like me to talk about, whether I've talked about it before or not, I will be beholden to your whims to write my blogs. If you fill in enough dates, I'll blog daily. If you don't, I'll blog on the days where there are topics. And I will certainly credit you and link to your blog or whatever when I post about your topic if you provide that information when you fill in a day.

So what do you think? Do you want to steer the direction of this blog in 2015?

December 2 - Chicago

I was talking to someone today who said he has been to Chicago a few times and just doesn't quite get why people love it so much. He hails from the east coast and has lived abroad for the past eighteen years and he said that even though he wants to give the city the benefit of the doubt, he just hasn't been able to fall in love with Chicago the way that so many people have. Coming from there, I don't quite understand that point of view. Chicago is, to me, one of the greatest cities in the world. But believe it or not, I couldn't really think of one good, solid reason why this man who has tried Chicago and not loved it should love it.

Not just then, anyway. I've thought about it more and today, I would like to dedicate my blog to singing the praises of Chicago.

WXRT. Chicago is amazing because it is the home of the greatest radio station in the world, WXRT. 93.1 on your FM dial. You can listen online, too, if you're feeling homesick or want to know what all of the fuss is about. Because honestly, I don't know that I can describe WXRT except to say that they play good music. It may be from the fifties or sixties or last week or whatever, they just play music that is good. Classic rock. Current rock. Folk rock. Alternative. Local artists. National artists. International artists. Most of the artists I listen to religiously I discovered by listening to WXRT. The first time one of my songs was ever played on the radio, it was on WXRT. And the deejays honestly know what they are talking about. Seriously. They are passionate and knowledgeable and engaging without bombarding your ears with all sorts of unnecessary sound effects and trite crap. To my knowledge, there is no other radio station in the country, possibly the world, like WXRT, and for that alone, Chicago is a standout city.

Pizza. This is not going to be a discussion about whether thin crust or deep dish is better, or whether or not you're supposed to fold your pizza before you eat it. That's not the point. What makes pizza in Chicago so awesome is that you can get whatever sort you like. You can get thin crust so thin it's like a cracker. You can get deep dish overflowing with cheese. You can get vegan pizza so good you won't miss the non-vegan sort. Chicago pizza is about choices, with so many places to go and so many great pies to eat. Chicago is a pizza mecca.

Summer. Yes, other cities have summer, too, but summer in Chicago is magnificent. Yes, it gets hot and humid. But there are so many things to do that you won't even notice. You can spend time inside at some of our amazing museums, you can spend time outside at any one of a hundred different street festivals (Square Roots, Ribfest, St. Pat's Block Party, Hideout Block Party, your own local block party, Taste of Chicago, Taste of Randolph Street, Lollapalooza). You can swim in the lake, or take a boat cruise up the river. You can see free theatre or free movies in various parks around the city. There is almost always live music or live theatre going on somewhere in the city all summer long. Perhaps it is because the winters suck so badly that Chicagoans really know how to embrace and celebrate summertime, and they go all out. It is brilliant.

The Chicago Cubs. Say what you will about the losing-est team in baseball, hell in professional sports, but Wrigley Field is a magical place. And the fact that the losing-est team in baseball can still sell out the park for an entire summer means there are some serious, hard-core fans who just keep going with the hope that maybe, possibly, just this one time, on an off chance, the Cubs might win. And when they do, even if it is against Pittsburgh when both teams have been mathematically eliminated from post-season play, the fans celebrate as if we had just won the pennant. It's hard to not get swept up in the enthusiasm. And when they lose, there is always a crowd to commiserate with you.

Theatre. The "second" city has a truly vibrant theatre scene. Yes, you can go see the national tour of whatever Broadway show happens to be passing through, but a lot of new work is developed in Chicago, too. Obviously the Goodman and Steppenwolf and Chicago Shakespeare Theatre are putting out good plays, but even in the hundreds of storefront non-equity theatres in Chicago, there is something to suit every taste. There is kitch, there is comedy, there is drama, there is improv, there is musical theatre, there is puppetry, there is dance, there is poetry. As an actor, I feel so lucky to have started my career in Chicago, and I hope it finds it's way back there someday.

Music. As with many of the things listed above, the Chicago music scene has something for everyone. Venues where you sit and listen. Venues where you get up and dance. Venues playing classical music, folk music, rock music, national touring bands, local bands just getting a start, free shows, cheap shows, shows you've wanted to see your entire life. Jazz was born in Chicago. The blues thrive in Chicago. The Old Town School of Folk Music - 'nuff said. And there is something going on literally every night of the week. The Chicago music scene continues to grow and thrive and change to keep music accessible to anyone who wants to be part of it.

Food. The best vegan pho in the world is in Chicago. The number nine restaurant in the world is in Chicago. Chicago has everything from top notch steakhouses, to two of the best vegan restaurants in the country, so whatever your tastes, you can find it in Chicago. Not to mention the taquito guy who visits local bars in the wee hours of the morning so you can have a snack while you keep on drinking. Food trucks, hole in the wall taco joints, fine dining with a 360-degree view of the city. Whatever you're hungry for, Chicago has it.

Transportation. Between the L and the buses, there is nowhere you can't get to by using public transportation. And for the most part, it is clean (or at least cleaner than New York). The stations are being upgraded so you know how long you'll have to wait for your bus or your train, and the pre-recorded announcements at each stop mean you'll never miss your stop because you couldn't understand what the conductor was saying. Though, if you're really a transportation snob and would rather drive or take cabs, cabs are plentiful and you can always find somewhere to park. Even if it is a $30-for-four-hours garage downtown.

Neighborhoods. I dated a guy once, very briefly (think: two dates) who seldom left a three square block area in the Ukranian Village. He found the part of the city he loved, he could get anything he needed there, and he could get around easily, so he figured, why leave? There are so many little pocket neighborhoods in Chicago, each acting almost like a city within a city, that you could change apartments and neighborhoods every year and feel like you're living in an entirely new city with each move. And with Chicago rents being what they are, you can always find a place to fit your budget. In Illinois, you can get $99.40 worth of goods for $100. That's not too shabby.

Sanitation. Chicago is relatively clean. Even with only sweeping the streets once every few weeks, Chicago is much cleaner than, say, New York.

The Lake. Lake Michigan has it's own tides. It is big enough for cruises and surfing and swimming and fishing and strolls along the beach. Yes, it will dump extra snow on us in the winter, but it can help keep outrageous summer temperatures down. Not to mention, it makes for some gorgeous views.

People. Perhaps most importantly, Chicago is an amazing city because the vast majority of the people I love most live there. My mom. My best guy friend. My nieces and their parents. The little circle of extraordinary people I know I can count on for just about anything. I know that doesn't mean as much to people who aren't me, but it is for that reason that Chicago will always be my home.

Maybe I'm provincial. Maybe I'm old fashioned or territorial. But I am proud to be a Chicagoan, and I truly love the city where I spent the majority of my life. Sure, I'm trying something different now, living in New York. But maybe the best thing about Chicago is that it will always be there, and I can always go home to my sweet home Chicago.

December 1 - Criticsm

We all know that I love Gilmore Girls. We all know I want a boyfriend like Dave Rygalski. We all know that I've seen the first five seasons enough times that from time to time, I forget that I didn't grow up in Stars Hollow. We know these things. These things have not and will not change. 

That said, seasons six and seven are terrible. Terrible. Witty banter was traded for laundry list monologues. An ensemble cast turned into a series of two-person scenes. Long beloved character choices were thrown out the window for stupid gags and more laundry list monologues. Granted, there were things that annoyed me last time I saw seasons six and seven that don't annoy me quite as much this time around. But by the same token, the lack of nuance in the lighting design in seasons six and seven grates on me in a way it never did before. So there's that. 

The creator of the show has been quoted as saying that if she had stayed on for the last two seasons, it would have ended differently. After season five, there were changes with the network and she left and I don't remember totally why, but I'm pretty sure that the removal of the creator from the show is what killed this particular show. A change in production team does not always kill a show, but it certainly did this one no favors. The thing is, she's also been rather hush-hush about how she originally intended the show to end. Even among rumors of a Gilmore Girls movie, she won't spill. Which may be the part that is killing me more than anything else. 

I will be glad when I get to the end of season seven so I can say I watched all of it again. And then I will happily go back to believing that the show was only five seasons long. Maybe four and a half. It has to be hard for writers to keep writing for the same characters for seven years; I'm not poo-pooing that. It makes me sad to see those characters stray so far from themselves. Especially when they are so rich, so lovely, and so beloved. 

And please let's have a Gilmore Girls movie so we can get the mess that is the last two seasons straightened out. 

November 30 - Ebb and Flow

So much happened when I first got to New York that here I am, three months in, spending a weekend wherein I barely left my apartment and kind of loving it. Though I do have to admit to a bit of trepidation that goes along with an unproductive weekend. I feel like I need to be doing things, planning things, finding the next project so I don't have too much down time.

The thing is this: I know what my next projects can be, even if I am not cast in another show right away. And I have made connections in the past three months that will lead to more auditions in the future. And if we know anything about me, it is that I don't stay idle very long.

So after two days of not doing much, today I applied for a half-dozen auditions, I moved my car for street cleaning, updated my theatrical resume, and I logged into the Healthcare Marketplace to update my information for next year. There are things to do, things to be done, and there is plenty of time in which to do them. So for the time being, I'm going to resume my Gilmore Girls marathon (I'm in season six which is almost as terrible as I remember it being the first time around) and enjoy a little bit of non-frantic time. Because tech week starts up on Tuesday and then we're full on into the holiday season wherein I have a trip home to plan on top of everything else.

A little down time is good for me every now and again.

Oh, and I've been here three months. Three months in New York. Wow. More on that later.

November 29 - Vanity

I do not, in general, consider myself a vain person. Granted, I do have recurring nightmares about all of my teeth falling out which some dream guides say is a vanity dream, but I don't think I'm terribly vain. I'm pretty low maintenance. I'll wear whatever the costume designer asks me to in shows. Whatever. 

My weakness, though, is eyeliner. See, while I am not the vain sort, I am the sort that remembers hurtful things that were said to me in the past for a ridiculously long time, and I am also the sort to whom a lot of hurtful things were said. Especially in junior high and high school. Teenage girls can be awful. One of the recurring comments made to me during those fragile, formative years was that I should smile more because otherwise, I look comatose. This was before I discovered makeup. It wasn't just one off-hand comment; I was told on several occasions by several different people that I have what the kids these days would call Resting Comatose Face. Their suggestion was that I smile more. Not being big on smiling then, I just walked around very self-conscious, knowing I looked half dead all the time. Such a lovely way to spend one's teens. 

But then, in college, one of my friends showed me how to wear everyday make up. Granted, what she showed me included things like concealer, which did nothing to conceal the mountain range I had on my face at the time, but it also included eyeliner and mascara. These two simple tools transformed my face and bam! All of a sudden, I was pretty. Nobody told me I looked comatose anymore. Simple as that. Eyeliner plus mascara equalled no more comments on my resting face status. So I wear eyeliner and mascara pretty much all the time now. They have become my comfortable place. 

People notice when I don't wear them, though. I've had people go so far as to ask me if I'm feeling all right if they see me without the eyeliner and mascara. Resting Comatose Face. Easily remedied with eyeliner and mascara. Poof!

Yesterday, I did not put on eyeliner or mascara. I was having a quiet day, wherein I did very little. I had not planned on leaving my apartment at all except to do laundry, but come evening, I wanted a snack so I ventured out. I went to the store without eyeliner or mascara on. I bought a soda and some chips and even chatted with the shopkeeper for a moment about how miserable it was that his heat wasn't working, but how nice that it hadn't snowed. And nobody looked at me funny or told me I look comatose. 

I'm not saying I'm a no-make-up convert now or anything. I like how I look when my eyes are highlighted - they are very pretty eyes. But it was good for me to step out of my comfort zone and find that even when stripped of the tiny bit of vanity that I have, I am still okay. 

November 28 - Quiet

So many people

Lots of socialization

Not talking today

November 27 - Thanksgiving

My list of things to be thankful for is a little overwhelming this year. 

Perhaps more than in any other year, I am thankful for how small the world has become by the advent of more and more ways to communicate. I'm not going to lie - moving to New York and leaving my friends and family was hard, and it continues to be hard to not get to see them as often as I would like. But being able to call or email or text or Skype takes a little bit of the sting away. I am so thankful that I can do all of those things, and that my friends and family choose to stay in touch with me via those methods, too. Otherwise, I think I'd be lost out here. 

Which is a nice segue into saying I am thankful for my family and friends. Both old friends and new ones, and friends I have been able to reconnect with recently. I would not call myself a people person, but I have found some amazing people and am so fortunate to have them in my life. 

I am thankful for the incredible luck I've had in New York, getting cast in three fun shows with so many talented and generous artists. I am thankful for my temp job, too, because even though it's not my chosen career, it has kept me fed and housed. I am thankful that I have somewhere to live that is warm enough and where Owen has become comfortable. 

Mostly, I am just plain thankful this year. It's been quite a ride and I'm doing well with everything. I'm trying to take it all in and enjoy the fact that I get to be alive to experience these things. "Yes I'm definitely going to hell/But I'll have all the best stories to tell." Here's to a year full of brilliant stories to tell, and many more to come. 

Happy Thanksgiving! Be safe and have fun. 

November 26 - Recommendation

See Sleep No More. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. See Sleep No More. 

November 25 - Anxiety

For the first time in perhaps my entire life, I will not be spending Thanksgiving with my family. There was one Thanksgiving where I went to a boyfriend's family's gathering when I was in college, but I'm pretty sure I still went to my family's gathering that year, too. This year, I will still be in New York. So that's a thing. 

I won't be alone, though. One of my friends from Chicago has family out here and invited me to go to their gathering, which is very kind and generous, I think. But it's freaking me out. I can feel the panic attacks brewing already. I nearly started crying in the grocery store, worried that what I would be able to bring would be insufficient, that I'll be a social dud that day, that my friend's family will think me crazy and odd and awkward and that will reflect poorly on him. Not to mention, as a vegan, I can be a weird Thanksgiving guest. 

I think I have to remember what Thanksgiving is about, though, in order to get past that. I have a brilliant family who love me and miss me. I have fantastic friends who open their homes and lives to invite me in. I live in an exciting city where I have been so fortunate as I pursue my dreams. So even if I'm a social dud at this gathering, I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot going for me. I have somewhere to be, which in and of itself is a big deal. 

Anxiety doesn't have to be the enemy. It can be a reminder that there is something I need to think through and examine my feelings about. I'd still be happier if I didn't have to deal with it, though. Someday. 

November 24 - Tired and Sad

For the most part, I have done a good job of remaining positive while living in New York. I'm viewing challenges as adventures and keeping my hopes up with the knowledge that the minor annoyances will change eventually. My mantra has become, "It's an adventure," and while that might sound dismissive in certain situations, I mean it. Living in New York is an adventure for me and in a weird way, I'm trying to acknowledge and enjoy all of the ups and downs of being here.

Today, I am failing at being positive. Today, I am tired and sad and I need to just be tired and sad for a day. The tired and sad won't go away just because I want them to; I need them to run their course.

So today, I am tired and sad because my mom went back to Chicago after we had a really lovely weekend together. As much as I love being in New York, it's hard to be this far away from my dearest friend.

Today, I am tired and sad because the second of the three shows in which I was cast closed over the weekend and I am going to miss working on that project and with those people.

Today, I am tired and sad because I didn't sleep last night and had to get up very early this morning before making it in to work.

Today, I am tired and sad because of minor annoyances with projects at work and the fact that the annoyances reared their ugly heads today when I was already tired and sad to begin with.

Today, I am tired and sad because my throat has been hurting for two days and I would really rather not be getting sick just now.

Today, I am tired and sad because it is beautiful outside and I have to be at work all day.

Today, I am tired and sad because I know I won't really get to rest until tomorrow night. Maybe.

So if you see me today and I am grumpy, it is because I am letting the tired and sad run their course. If you would like to avoid me so as to not deal with the tired and sad and grumpy, I completely understand. If you would like to give me a hug, I'd be okay with that, too.

November 23 - Weekend

This lovely weekend was not long enough. 

Love you, Mom. 

November 22 - Telegram

Spent the day with Mom. Stop. 

Had an impromptu cider tasting. Stop. 

Experienced sensory overload at a giant fabric store. Stop. 

Closed a show. Stop. 

Great day all around. And maybe tomorrow, I'll write sentences. 

November 21 - Haiku

Something I needed
Everyone else has one, too
You can see mine here