I was reading an article the other day, written by a woman I know, about online dating - how to write a good profile, some dos and don'ts, that kind of thing - and the biggest point it made is that they to a successful online dating campaign is persistence. You just can't give up on it. It highlighted a woman who consistently paid an online site's fees for seven years and then finally met the man who would become her husband. SEVEN YEARS. Seven years of bad dates, disappointments, and not-quite-what-I'm-looking-fors.

Thing is, I have this feeling like I'm maybe in a good position to try dating. Give it a serious go (if I could find someone to date). I'm not depressed. I feel like I'm looking kind of cute as of late. I kind of have my ducks in a row and I'm going places and I think all of that kind of adds up to a healthy me, which is exactly the me that I should be putting out there if I want to date someone. But I don't think I can keep that up for seven years in the hopes that once I have reached the peak of my frustration, I'll find someone I can tolerate. I just don't think I have that in me.

I'm persistent about a lot of things - don't get me wrong. But it's a "choose your battles" kind of thing. Maybe I'm a closet romantic and I believe that if there is someone out there I'm supposed to meet, I'll meet him someday whether or not we both happen to be cruising Match.com at the same time. And truth be told, there are so many other things I would prefer to do with my time than set myself up for seven more years of bad dates, awkward emails, and misguided attempts at flirting with men who really aren't interested. The time I have spent on online dating sites leads me to believe that there are a lot of people out there - men and women - who are serial daters and they use those sites to find more first dates. I'm not looking for a first date. I'm hoping to get to date number three or four or ten, you know?

I dunno. Someday, I'll find a guy who is charming and intelligent who finds my laugh irresistible. Someday, I'll find a guy who loves my sense of humor and inability to make socially acceptable small talk. Someday, I'll find a guy who gives me butterflies in my stomach every time I think about him. Someday, I'll find a guy who is just as good with positive commentary as negative - going in both directions. Someday, I'll find a guy who is geographically accessible, or at least willing to work with me to make something doable. Someday, I'll figure out how this whole "relationship" thing works for me and my someone, even if it's not how it works for everyone else. Someday, I'll find a guy who is my best friend and then some.

Or not. I dunno.

I was also told this weekend that I am "something else." Which makes me wonder what everyone else is, and what about me makes me not that.

Every time I go to a wedding, I find myself thinking, "I don't want...THAT." By which I don't mean to say I don't want to get married. There is a really romantic notion behind the standing up in front of everyone you know and promising to have this other person's back for the rest of his/her life. And I certainly hope that if I am lucky enough to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, who also wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that we'll be able to throw a really amazing party with all of our friends because (kind of going back to the birthday post), I think it would be fun to have a day celebrating me, him, and our lives together. That part is groovy.

But the pomp and circumstance and tradition of all of it...I don't know if that's what I'm looking for. I'm pretty sure I've said before that if it was important to my husband to have a church wedding, I would do that, but if it's not, I don't think I would. Largely because the cadence with which most priests/pastors/ministers/etc speak makes me tune out. The pauses after every fourth word. The random emphasis on the verb. The general soft, happy, peaceful tone that almost makes you wonder if they're on some sort of muscle relaxer. You know what I'm talking about - there is a certain way that most religious leaders speak and it makes it really hard for me to pay attention. It stops feeling like a cohesive story or point being made and starts to sound like random words. Which if I were to get married, I would want to hear and understand what the officiant was saying, not start thinking about when I am going to do laundry next, you know? Not to mention the showers and the meetings and the so on and so forth. I have one friend who said she has been waiting since we were kids to throw me a bridal shower - it's about how other people want to celebrate your wedding, not how you want to celebrate. And I would want two men and two women to stand up on my side with me. And I don't want the "wedding knot" of hair. And I want to wear comfortable shoes.

I dunno. I just always think that there has to be another way to go about this. I kind of like the Grey's Anatomy "getting married on a Post-It" thing. Followed by a big party with all of my friends. And a DJ because when you hire a band, there's no telling what the singer is going to wear and you always run the risk that someone might be flat. Unless, of course, I marry a musician and we know a great band that really wants to play, though that would turn into more of a concert than a wedding.

Oh! And the dance floor thing. They always play great music for dancing during dinner before people are "allowed" to dance because the bride and groom haven't broken in the floor yet - Sinatra, Ella, Benny Goodman, etc. And then once the floor opens up for dancing, it switches to Kool and the Gang. Could we do something about that?

And of course, I would want the whole thing to be vegan. I want to be able to eat the cake at my own wedding, you know? And really, vegan food is yummy and I think most people can handle one meal of lentils and grains and vegetables (without a giant slab of meat slathered in some garlic butter sauce) without exploding. Something savory and flavorful and colorful instead of potentially over or undercooked meat with vegetables that have had the life steamed out of them. I'm just sayin'. It wouldn't hurt to expand people's culinary pallets for one night. And if I'm the one getting married, the least y'all can do is eat your veggies.

I dunno. I realize I'm sounding petulant and snobby and quite possibly very rude. Everyone's wedding is their day to do with as they please and if the bride and groom are happy with it, then it is a beautiful, perfect wedding. I just think for me, if the opportunity ever arises, I'll want to do something else. Though for the life of me, I don't know what. Good thing I have some time to think about it, huh?

I can't believe September is halfway over. More than halfway over. There are only about 20 Cubs games left. Kids are far enough into the school year that they can start having tests. At a family gathering over the weekend, someone asked about Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure how much I have to say. I'm a little frustrated today about silly things. As you may know, I'm losing weight. Or trying to, anyway. I've been eating healthy and getting regular exercise since the end of July. And by eating healthy, I not only mean eating healthy foods, but eating them in the proper proportions. Thing is, the weight isn't exactly dropping off. I don't know if I'm gaining muscle mass and that's why it looks like I'm gaining weight back or what. I do know that my clothes are too big for me - my pants are verging on indecent. And I bought a size six dress the other day. I don't know that I've ever been a size six in my life. I like being a size six. It says, "I'm healthy and fit, but not anorexic. I still have curves." So there are some really good signs there, but the numbers just aren't changing like I would like them to. I think my only option, though, is to just keep plugging away. After all, there is nothing wrong with maintaining a healthy lifestyle even if you're not losing weight, right?

And I'm back in class again. One of them was canceled which makes me sad, and I don't feel like I'm doing very well in the other one. Though I talked to some of the people I met over the summer last night and they said if I feel like I'm doing really crappy in class, I'm right on schedule, doing a great job. So in that respect, I'm probably one of the better ones in there. I did talk a little bit with my fellow classmates last night and they all felt like they are doing crappy, too, so if nothing else, we're all in the same boat which, believe it or not, makes the journey a little easier.

And I dunno. I just don't feel like people much these days. I'm enjoying time by myself. I'm kind of enjoying my routine of going to work, coming home, having dinner, getting some exercise, spending time with my cat, making plans, and going to bed. I realize it sounds like kind of a sad existence, but I think it's my pre-hibernation ritual. About this time of year, I just need to not be around people for a bit so I can slow down and get my life in order. I will admit to some disappointment in Mother Nature for not giving us an actual summer this year. Or last year. With any luck, I'll get to go somewhere sunny for a couple days this winter or something. Admittedly, I put on a 3/4 sleeve t-shirt last night and kind of loved how the fabric felt on my arms. Warm and snuggly. As much as I'm not feeling people right now, I think I could go for some warm and snuggly. Soups. Tea. Baking things. Though I'll have to get in the habit of baking things and then bringing half into work to share so I don't blow all of the healthy habits I've built up so far.

Okay, so here's my thing about holidays. Holidays are days designated to celebrate one specific thing. That one specific thing gets a day. Flags get a day. Saints get a day. Grandparents get a day. Often times, these days are a specific date on a calendar so that we can remember when they are - June 14, March 17, etc. Other times, they have a sort of general feel, but the actual date changes from year to year, i.e. the third Thursday in November. Whatever day was chosen to celebrate that holiday is that holiday's day. And in my opinion, that's its only day. March 16th is not St. Patrick's Day. I'm not going to wear green and drink a lot on March 16th because that's not St. Patrick's Day. Just like I'm not going to run around wishing people a happy new year on December 28th. I don't care if the 28th is a Saturday and January 1st is a Wednesday - I'm going to celebrate New Year's Day on New Year's Day, not for a full week before and/or after the actual date.

Which then brings us to birthdays. The nice thing about birthdays is that everybody has one. The bad thing about birthdays is that everybody forgets them. To me, they are important holidays. It is a day to tell your friends and loved ones, "The world was blessed when you entered it x years ago." But like other holidays, I think birthdays should be celebrated on birthdays, if at all possible. I understand that particularly as you get older, if your birthday falls on a Tuesday, it might be easier to have dinner with friends the weekend before or the weekend after. But I still think it would behoove your friends to say the words "Happy birthday" to you on that specific Tuesday. It's not asking a lot. And trust me, it will make their day. You don't need to do extravagant gifts or go overboard or anything - just let them know that you remember that the world became a little better place x number of years ago when they were born.

Which brings me to my birthday. For a long time, I didn't tell anyone when my birthday was because I didn't want anyone to make a big deal out of it. Growing up, my birthdays were both wonderful and horrible - wonderful because I had some really awesome parties, but horrible because a lot of the girls who came to my parties were more interested in chatting with each other than me, the birthday girl. Maybe that's why it just makes me uncomfortable now to have people make a fuss over me. However, I am part of the Facebook nation now, and Facebook has these lovely little reminders that tell you a couple of days in advance when your friend's birthdays are. I usually click the links and wish a happy birthday to each of my Facebook friends on their special day, regardless of how close we are, just because. Their birthday is their day. Their holiday. And the least I can do is say "Happy birthday" to them. Not a huge deal. This year, I secretly found myself looking forward to all of the messages I would get. I was curious to know who was just going to say "Happy birthday" and who might get a little more creative. I thought it would be fun to have a page filled with well wishes from my friends. On my actual birthday, I got phone calls from my immediate family (which was lovely), and I went out to dinner with a couple of friends (also lovely and quite tasty). And I got one comment on Facebook saying happy birthday. One. Out of two-hundred-and-some-odd friends, one person left me a note.

Now, I'm not saying I expected two-hundred-and-some-odd messages, but I did expect more than one. To be honest, it felt really shitty. I don't want to poo-poo the phone calls and the dinner - those things were really lovely and I had a very nice birthday because of them. Thank you guys for that. But every time I click on a link to someone else's page so that I can wish them a happy birthday, and I see an entire page filled with notes, it stings a little. I don't know if I marked some box when I signed up so that a reminder would not pop up about my birthday, or if people just didn't notice it when it was there. Either way, the end result was that one person left me a note on my birthday this year, thus elongating the streak of wonderful, yet horrible, birthdays.

I know - it's a silly gripe. But I'm not a mom, so nobody tells me Happy Mother's Day, and I'm not a grandma, and I'm not a teacher, and nobody pays attention to Administrative Assistant's Day, and I'm not a flag, and I'm not in a relationship so I don't have any anniversaries to celebrate or anything. My birthday is my only day. The one day out of the year when people should say nice things to me. And people (my family and 2-3 closest friends excluded) keep missing it. I guess I should be happy that my family and 2-3 closest friends remember, and I am. I am very lucky to have them. But it does kind of make me wonder why I have two-hundred-and-some-odd Facebook friends if they can't even be bothered to say "Happy Birthday" to me on my day. I know that sounds really bitchy, but I'm tired of being forgotten and overlooked.

Before you send me a note wishing me a belated happy birthday, it was months ago. Save it for next year.

I dunno. I'm sorry to be a downer. It's Labor Day and I should be thanking all of the men and women who have served our country so nobly. Thank you for everything that you do. But Labor Day also kind of marks the end of summer, which I don't feel like we really had - it never really got hot. We had one weekend of two 90+ degree days and that was it. Add that to the fact that I kind of feel like I didn't get my holiday and well, I'm not looking forward to this winter. I know I'm going to get grumpy. I'm going to try not to, but chances are, it will happen. I'm apologizing for that in advance.

Happy Labor Day, everybody.

This is all going to be very vague, and I'm sorry for that, but here goes.

Some information sent out. Requests for other information sent out. Things are underway and I am now financially invested in this new plan, so it's full steam ahead.

I'm down 10 pounds. It feels really good to have lost 10 pounds. I have also lost two inches off of my hips and about an inch and a half off of my waist. I kind of wish that was all proportional, you know, so that I knew that when I've lost 20 pounds, I will have lost four inches off of my hips and three off of my waist. But I also kind of wish it wasn't so there was the potential for more than that. I am enjoying losing weight, though, and I'm feeling really good about myself. They physical is catching up with the rest of me. I'm sure my neighbors think I'm nuts, though, as my current exercise of choice is running in place in my apartment while watching TV. I try not to run on the squeaky bits of my floor, but my shoes squeak, too, so I can't always tell. Sorry, downstairs neighbors, if that's really annoying. The down side of the whole thing is that my clothes are too big - my jeans just don't fit anymore. I'd go get new ones, but I'm expecting to lose more weight, so I don't want to adjust my whole wardrobe just yet. I'd rather do it when I'm closer to my goal so I don't have to do the whole thing twice. But all in all, I'm feeling really good about me.

And the new session of classes starts next week, too. I'm taking the physical theater workshop again, and tech 1, which is like the intro class to this whole acting theory. Granted, I know some stuff about this theory of acting already, but it never hurts to go back and get a refresher on the basics. Mostly, I'm just looking forward to getting back into class.

So today, I am treating myself to a massage and some time in a sensory deprivation tank. Some "me" time. Time to do something nice for myself. Get my life in order. And make more plans for the furthering of my plan. I wish I could tell you more, but I can't just yet. As soon as I can, I will. I swear.

Hope you are well.

It's amazing what a difference seven pounds can make. Yes, I am weighing myself daily which I know I shouldn't, but I'm really only counting the Wednesday morning weigh-ins because I feel like I got into the real weight loss thing on a Wednesday. And as of this morning, I am down seven pounds from when I started. Granted, I wish it was eight since it has been a month, but still, seven pounds is nothing to scoff at. I still have curves, but I'm starting to see some of the unwanted curves going away. I was running in my apartment while watching the Cubs game last night in my new black running capris and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror from the side and I looked cute! Darn cute. Nice little figure. Still plenty of junk in the trunk, but from the side anyway, it's cute junk.

So I wore a dress to work today that I hadn't worn in a while because while it is a fabulous dress with very forgiving fabric, it is also fabric that can accentuate things like cavernous belly buttons if you're having one of those kinds of days. But today, it makes me look great. And I spiced it up with a sassy pair of blue wedges. So I'm feeling pretty good about myself today.

For other reasons, too. My planning is, well, planning. I do need to buckle down a bit and send a couple more emails, but things are moving forward and I'm gaining the confidence that I'll actually be able to do this. Which kind of makes all of the rest of it not quite so irritating.

Now if only the Cubs could win a game or two. I know a lot of people who have given up on this season already and in large part, I have, too. If I was ever that into it. I took the trade of Mark DeRosa really hard. But there is the die hard fan in me that still thinks they have the chance to pull it off, if they would just start getting some productive hits (i.e. with me in scoring position) and if the bullpen would stop, well, imploding.

Anyway. Today I feel good. I hope you do, too.

I have this big bruise on the back of my arm and the only explanation I can provide is that my classmate beat me up. Please don't worry or call the police or stage an intervention - it was movement class and while everyone was being free and impulsive, we were also being careful to not really injure one another - this was an accident. I just happen to bruise like a peach. I kind of like my bruise. It's a badge of honor indicating how into the class I was. It's kind of greenish and a little hard like there's a nice blood clot in there. It does kind of hurt, though.

But in general (when I'm not at work, anyway), I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately. I'm on the right track with my losing weight and getting healthy. I've lost about six pounds so far and silly as it sounds, I can tell a difference. I feel smaller and lighter. I fit into my pants again. I have a little more confidence in my appearance when I walk down the street. Which may be why I was so free in class last night - I just wasn't concerned with my ginormous rear end following me around, jiggling wherever I go. And there's something that feels really good about not gorging myself on sugar and junk food. My body just feels like it's more balanced and working better. Yes, there is still the impulse to go eat cake, but when I really think about it, I'm satisfied with an all fruit popsicle instead, you know? There isn't the racing heart on a sugar high or the crash afterward.

The down side of eating so much better (more fresh fruit and veggies) is that I must have brought some fruit flies home at some point. They're taking over my kitchen. I've taken out the garbage and washed my dishes and hidden/bagged/sealed all foodstuffs in my kitchen. I built a little trap with a mason jar, a strawberry, and some plastic wrap with small holes poked in it. I just hope they die soon - I'm getting tired of smashing them on the walls and having to clean up bug guts.

And my other plans are...well...planning. That's really all I can say about that right now. But it's making me really happy. Scaring the bejesus out of me, but making me really happy.

I hope you are all doing well!

It is blissfully hot today, and it was yesterday, too. This is what I live for every summer. Thank you, Mother Nature, for giving us summer (finally).

There is a gallon of milk in the fridge at work that has an ad for Cheerios on the side. I very much want to put a sign on the jug that says, "This is decidedly not Cheerios."

Okay, so scratch that about being in a show that opens tomorrow. My scene got cut.

Wow, it's been a while since I posted. Sorry about that. Life has gotten hectic again. Hooray for hectic!

I got cast in a show that opens tomorrow. I was cast last week Monday. So that's a week and a half rehearsal period? Lucky for me, my old theater company prepared me well for the super-short rehearsal period thing and I think we'll be fine. There have been some scheduling snags and whatnot, but that's to be expected with something like this. I think it will all come together tonight at tech, though. And I have to say, I love my scene partner. She is wonderful and gives me so much to work off of. It's like I don't even have to try - it just happens and I feel stuff and my lines come out. It's wonderful to work with such an engaging partner! If you are an actor, I highly recommend giving this a try. It makes all the difference.

My other plans are kind of getting set into motion, too. I'm sorry I can't be more specific now, but I don't want to say anything until I know what's happening. But I'm kind of buzzing with excitement about that, so that's good.

My niece is one month old. I need to go visit her again.

I'm starting to eat healthier, too, in the hopes of dropping some weight. Learning to eat balanced meals instead of eating enough of one thing to feel full (i.e. an entire pizza). I'm seeing a little progress so far. The website I am using says I should be able to reach my goal weight by October 6, or somewhere around there, and I think I'm just about on track. Trying to lose two pounds a week, so I stay healthy while I do this. I have significantly cut back on the amount of junk food I consume, and I'm watching the alcohol intake, too. Not like I was crazy before, but limiting myself to just one drink when I go out. It makes a difference. I'm drinking so much water, though, that I'm in the bathroom every ten minutes. Meh, it's supposed to be good for me. And today, I am wearing a pair of trousers I probably haven't worn in a year, partially because they were a bit snug and partially because I am desperate to do laundry so I had to go spelunking in my closet this morning. But it's nice that they aren't so snug anymore. Yes, I do realize that I will probably have to buy new clothes when I reach my goal weight. The hope is that when I do have to do that, it won't be as difficult as clothes buying has been for me in the past.

So in general, I'm feeling good. It's nice to be busy again. It's nice to be doing the things that I love. It's nice to feel like I'm going somewhere. And it's nice to have not-so-snug-anymore clothes.

I think I am at the point where the weight loss is actually supposed to begin. I think the four pounds I have "lost" in the past couple of days were water weight or just me stabilizing as I get back to eating like a normal person instead of snacking at 10:30 at night. That kind of thing. Like when you step on the scale with an empty stomach versus if you step on the scale after eating Thanksgiving dinner - it's going to fluctuate.

So I think I'm done "fluctuating." I think I am at my starting weight now, and it's going to be tough, but I think I'm ready to go. I did really well last night when I went out with my classmates - I ate exactly three sweet potato fries and had one glass of sangria. I stayed within my limits and then came home and did my strength training exercises and went to bed.

I'm curious to see what I am going to look like when I hit my goal weight. Where I am going to lose the weight from? The dreaded derriere? The wobbly waist? Please don't let it be the boobs. I'll be happy to lose weight from just about anywhere else, just not the boobs.

So as much as I want to be happy with my body the way it is, I'm not. I'm just not. I've gotten heavier, I think largely as a result of the year-and-a-half funk I've been in. I'm self-conscious and my clothes don't fit right and now that I'm pulling out of my funk, I want to actually DO something about it.

Yes, I know that it will take a lot of work to lose weight. Yes, I know that once I get down to the weight I want to be at, it will take a lot of effort to maintain that. But you know what? I want to give it a shot. I want to learn to eat normal portion sizes of things instead of an entire pizza in one sitting, you know? I need to remind myself that I can have more than one type of food at dinner, which means I don't have to eat a whole thing of pasta - the vegetables as a side dish will help fill me up without gorging on carbohydrates, you know?

So I signed up for this online food and fitness tracker thing. I've tried similar sites before, but I kind of dig this one because it gives you ranges. It doesn't say "You can eat 1,436 calories today!" It says, "Aim for eating about 1,200-1,600 calories each day," which means if you're really hungry one day and not so much the next, there's room to accommodate that. And it also gives ranges for fat, carbohydrate, and protein intake, so you can keep track not only of how much you are eating, but how well you are eating. Yes, I could eat nothing but Twizzlers in a day, but this site would call me out on the carbohydrate overload and lack of protein. I also like this site because it puts together a sort of training schedule for you. It lists about eight strength training exercises and then says "get some cardio today, too." Which is nice. It's almost like having a trainer. But it's not so overwhelming that I can't figure out how I'm going to fit the workout into my day. It might get there as I get stronger, but it is a good start for now.

Today is day three. My scale read four pounds less than it did when I started. I think that is common, though, and mostly water weight (and or the result of running and jumping around for three hours last night in class). But it is nice to see a change like that right away. It helps with the motivation to keep going.

Wish me luck!

Welcome to the world, Keegan James. You have some pretty awesome parents, which means you're off to a pretty good start. And here's hoping it all gets better from here.

My goodness, I'm in pain. I had fun, but wow. I need to remember to stretch next time. Or stretch more.

While I am proud of myself that I am the kind of person who can do and does do things by herself, I am also aware of how sad that appears to the general public. Or crazy. I like it that I can go to a street festival and see musicians who I want to see whether or not anyone chooses to go with me. I like it that I don't use "nobody else is interested in going" as an excuse to not do the things I want to do. But I know it looks lonely. I know it looks freakish. I know it doesn't look strong and independent - it looks solitary and sad. And I know it doesn't help that I don't feel it necessary to find random people to talk to when I go out places by myself. I remember a lot of people have thought that I'm conceited or scary or intimidating for exactly that reason. Please know that I'm not. I just don't want my perpetual singleness to stop me from living.

That being said, it would have been nice to have company at the street festival for, if no other reason, another opinion on whether the big double sided silver and green and tiger's eye ring was twenty-five dollars worth of cool, or just something neat to talk about later.

I wrote a love song a little while ago just because it wanted to be a love song, and yesterday, through the magic of GarageBand (I love Mac products), I fleshed it out with drums, bass, and even a steel guitar solo. And I have to say, I think it sounds amazing. I'm so in love with this song right now, I can't stop listening to it. It's groovy, but mellow at the same time. And I think my favorite part of it is that I recorded the vocals sitting in my bedroom closet - it is the quietest place in my apartment. I broke my little shoe organizer thing by sitting on it in exactly the wrong place, so I recorded the vocals sitting in my closet on the screw that used to hold my shoe organizer thingy together. It's just so pretty. There is a lot going on in the song, but it somehow all fits together. I uploaded it both to my MySpace and Facebook music pages so if you know where either of those are, you can go have a listen. I can't stop listening to this song. Yes, it is maybe a little adult contemporary, but it's a love song - what is it supposed to sound like?

I started another blog to keep track of my experience in acting school. You can find it here if you're interested. All of my old acting teachers had us keep journals, which were considered sacred space, so we could keep track of our progress and impressions. I would ask that if you do pop over there and decide to start reading, that you please keep in mind that it is my sacred space to keep track of my progress and impressions. Nothing in there is posted with malicious intent, and none of it is intended to hurt or offend anyone. If I'm making an observation about my class members, it is most likely because it is something I want to take note of for my own work, not to single out or embarrass anyone. If, perchance, something I say over there does offend you, I apologize for that right now, but I'm not going to stop posting my honest impressions. It's how I'm going to learn.

Enjoy!

Lots on my mind. Had my first class tonight and it made me rethink a lot about myself as a performer. Like maybe I'm not such a good one because my scene partners weren't picking up on what I thought I was giving them and they were picking up on a lot of things that I didn't know I was giving. Two people, in the course of our exercises, said they didn't like me. Which wasn't personal, but it was totally personal, and before you tell me that there are tons of people who do like me, please know that it was good and in the moment and healthy and productive and fleeting and momentary. Stuff like that is supposed to happen in these exercises. I don't think they really have anything against me as a person, though they also don't know me from Adam so really, does it matter? But I felt like I was totally out of my league, but that I did okay overall. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go. And I could also see myself teaching down the line (once I get good enough at this stuff myself) because a lot of the comments in my head kind of matched what the teacher was saying. I dunno. Maybe teaching will be my calling. I just need to get enough clout as a performer that people will want to take my classes.

And I am back to holding my breath for an old project to finally be completed. On the one hand, it will hopefully mean that there is still a decent conclusion down the line. On the other hand, the incomplete conclusion was really disconcerting and made me rethink myself as the person I thought I was, what I thought I had accomplished.

I dunno. Lots to think about. Lots to look forward to. And I still have this theory that DeRosa kind of wrangled himself onto the DL because he wants the paycheck that the Cardinals have for him, but he really can't bring himself to help them win. He's still a Cubbie at heart. Please let him still be a Cubbie at heart.