So I've been thinking about lust lately and trying to understand where it comes from. I'm not sure why I've been exploring this concept, but I have so let's just go with it, yes? Okay. So, lust. I think my biggest question is whether it comes from a desire to make oneself feel good or from a desire to make another person feel good or whether those desires have to be mutually exclusive. If they are not mutually exclusive, is the thought that bringing desire to another person will bring desire to oneself what makes lust such a strong feeling for some?

I've thought about my life and thought about times when I've lusted, if I have lusted, and I realized that I don't lust very much. I think it has been fairly well established here that I don't have crushes on people the way that other people have crushes on people. I'm usually attracted to the person and don't really factor in the "gettin' jiggy" part of it, especially if it's a famous person I'm crushing on because who knows? He could turn out to be a jerk in real life. And I think we all also know (or if we don't, we're about to find out) that I get kind of weirded out by men who are physically attracted to me because a) I've had plenty of bad experiences in that department and b) I think I have a lot more interesting things to offer than my physical being, so I kind of mistrust those who focus on that. Maybe it's because I'm weirded out by men who are physically attracted to me that I started thinking about this. What is it about me that would make someone lust over me? Is it a desire to make me feel good, or does that person think I could make them feel good?

So then I meet this man. Kind of a man - he's young, so maybe more of a boy? He's old enough to drink legally, but the age difference is enough that I'm kind of beating myself up for finding him attractive. But it's only happened to me a handful of times in my life where I meet someone, just see him from across the room, and am instantly attracted to the point of distraction. One was a boy I met in Spain. One was the gay man I loved for ten years. One was the musician I loved for six. None of whom I actually dated. And then this man. I want to touch his hair. I want to touch his chest. I can't stop looking at him. I don't know if he falls under the "typically handsome" category or not, but I find him so physically attractive I can't look at him. Is this what lust is? I would think that the desire to play with his hair comes from the thought that it looks really soft and would feel good, but also from the thought that it is fun to have someone play with your hair so hopefully he'd enjoy it, too. Though to be honest, I have no idea what his sexual preferences or relationship status are, so it is entirely likely that a random woman playing with his hair would not be at all enjoyable, which is why I do not qualify as a sexual predator, because I realize that my advances may not be welcome so I do not advance them. But anyway.

Hey, cute dude? Hi. You're friggin' gorgeous. Just so you know. And I'm sorry if I just smile like an idiot when you're in the room. I'll try to stop that. If you could be not so hot for a little while, that would help. Or if you were a jerk. Which I've not yet seen any indications of, so maybe just let your inner jackass out a bit so I can make it through this project like a professional, that would be great. Thanks!

It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. For some reason, I seldom feel the need to write in here when things are going well. It is only in times of frustration or unrest that I feel the need to post. I'm not really this unhappy. Or maybe I am. I don't know.

So I thought perhaps the big "blow my face off" happy thing had arrived, but as quickly as it came, it went again. I will not be playing Hamlet this summer. I am still in a stage production of "Hamlet" which I love and am intimidated by all of the time, but I'm Gertrude in that one. The production in which I was to play the Dane has been put on hold until who knows when, if ever. Which is disappointing in part because I was looking forward to tackling such a huge, complex, well-known role and trying to bring something new to it, and in part because it was a perfect motivation for me to get myself in shape. So I've lost a bit of my workout mojo. I need to get that back because I'm feeling lumpish and unattractive.

And I have a dear friend who was recently diagnosed with ALS and she is not doing well. She was diagnosed in about February or March, had lost the ability to speak by May, and is now confined to a wheelchair. It's just...progressing really fast. And if there was ever a person who did not deserve to watch her body fall apart while her mind stayed sharp, it is this woman. She is cheerful and friendly and loving and brilliant and beautiful and what a horrible diagnosis to get in her early 40s. On the up side, she is surrounded by people who love her and support her and can help her. On the down side, she'll never have children. If anyone from that group of my friends should have been a mom, it was her, and I mean that in the best possible way. So that's been weighing on my mind a bit lately. I love my friend and don't want to dwell on the negative with her, but it's hard to watch her wither away. I know it's hard for her best friend, too, and I'm trying to be supportive there as well. It's just not a good situation.

I do have a couple of theatrical projects to work on at the moment, though, so that's good. Like I said, I'm in love with this production of "Hamlet" and feel kind of unworthy every time I show up to rehearsal. There are so many talented, creative people involved; I hope I'm not the weak link. And I'm rehearsing another show that will go up in October that has just a brilliant script and I actually get to play the lead in that one, so here's hoping I don't muck it up too badly.

But I'm seeing all of these "blow your face off" wonderful things happen to people around me. People getting married. People having kids. People finding new jobs. People getting to go to London to see my hero on stage. And I can't help but wonder if that was my "blow your face off" wonderful thing that is no longer happening, can I have another go at it? Do I still have a shot at some mind-numbing amazingness?

Please?