So I think I have decided how I would like to get married, if I ever get married. I see my future husband and I, in all of our finery, sneaking off to the mall in Central Park, New York, with an officiant of some sort (perhaps one of our friends) and we exchange vows on a fall morning with the joggers running by and nannies out taking the dog for a walk while the kids are at school. On a Tuesday or something. Just a completely ordinary day for the rest of the world, where we get to sneak in on the beauty of everyday life and share a moment together.

There can be a party later so people can celebrate with us, and that can be as big or as small as our families and friends dictate it should be. That part can be for them. The vow part can be for us.

I'm not a hotel connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination. I don't stay in them enough to really speak intelligently about what is good and what is not. But I am a person who has lived by herself for about ten years, so I do know how some living spaces should work and what is convenient and what is not and while I know I can be odd, I don't necessarily think that most of the big things I look for in a living space are that off the wall.

For example.

I'm at this trade show type thing in New York and we're staying in a boutique hotel on the upper west side (or it could be midtown west, we're right on the border), and you would think that for the kind of place that normally charges upward of three or four hundred dollars a night, you would get a top sheet on your bed. Not my bed. The bed in my room at this hotel has a bottom sheet and a comforter. And a little blanket draped across the foot of the bed that I don't know if it is big enough to cover the bed or not - I haven't unfolded it. But with six pillows on the bed (filled with various substances), you'd think they could spring for a top sheet. No such luck.

You'd also think that for a sort of posh upper west side hotel where there is a movie or television program filming around the corner that maybe the bathroom door wouldn't catch on the floor. Not my door. It sticks at the half-way-shut point. Which wouldn't be that big of a deal - I have the room to myself so it's not imperative that the door be shut while the restroom is in use - except that if you want to sit on the toilet (I'm a girl, that's what we do with toilets), you have to either shut the door all the way or open it all the way. The room is too small to comfortably get around the door with it in the half-way-open stuck position, and if you try to balance it any more open than that, the door touches the toilet. Unless you push it all of the way open. Then you have very easy access to the toilet. But not to the toilet paper, which is now hidden behind the bathroom door. Which you can't now open without scraping your kneecaps or using the toilet sidesaddle, so to speak.

You might also think that fancy showers have doors or curtains that prevent the user from spraying the entire bathroom floor with water while in the shower. Not my shower. The shower in my room has half of a door. In their defense, it looks really cool. Really cool. There is one of those rainfall shower heads mounted in the ceiling, and a hand-held wand shower head that reminds me of an oversized toothbrush, if you think of the water coming out as the bristles and the rest of the thing as the handle. And wood planks on the floor. I'm guessing they're supposed to smell nice when they get wet and as the bathroom gets all steamy during a shower, it's supposed to be like a sauna. However, when I turned on the shower this morning, it was set for water to come only out of the toothbrush wand thing, which was pointed directly at the rest of the bathroom, so I was soaked before I even got in the shower. And it took a few minutes to realize that there was a second lever that would turn on the overhead shower head. And since the whole shebang only has half of a door, I ended up getting most of the rest of the bathroom floor wet, just through the regular process of lathering and rinsing. I didn't even repeat. I did, however, drop the cap of my body wash bottle, which fell under the wood planks and rolled far enough back that my fingers can no longer reach it. So long, body wash bottle cap.

Speaking of cool, though, the bathroom sink is square. Like, the actual bowl of the sink is square, which is pretty groovy, I think. Except it doesn't seem quite slanted enough to inspire drainage, so when I wash my face, I then have to wait a minute for the sink to drain. And since the sink is a big, open, square bowl, there really isn't a rim. Which wouldn't be a big deal, except it's nice to be able to set things on the sink. Contact lens solution (and contact lens case) when putting in or taking out said lenses. Hairbrush while blowdrying hair. Toothbrush and toothpaste so they're easy to get at before you go out for dinner. Soap so you can wash your hands instead of just rinsing them. But there really isn't much "setting stuff down" space around this sink. Which wouldn't be that bad because the toilet is right next to the sink and sometimes, you can put things on the lid of the toilet tank - use that for the hairbrush and toothpaste or make up bag or whatever. But this toilet tank lid is slanted just enough so that you think whatever you put there might stay if you tiptoe out of the room and promise not to jump up and down, but then it slides off anyway as soon as you pull your hand away.

One might also think that a posh hotel would have the temperature control in the room thing figured out. We do have individual controls in each room for heating or air conditioning. They're not very attractive though. (The actual control panel part was replaced (I don't know how long ago) with a new digital control panel that is too big for the original hole cut out for the original control panel, so it's just resting on top. I opened the panel to adjust the temperature when I got here and the control panel went with the lid. I thought I broke it, until I realized it was one of those good ideas that someone didn't see through all the way.) So the designers thought to put curtains up on a sort of a curved rod, so that when you close them, the heating/air conditioning unit is hidden. And very effectively cooling the side of the curtain nearest the window, while the rest of the room stays nice and toasty.

Don't get me wrong - this hotel is lovely to look at. There is a giant mirror on one wall so the room looks bigger, but a little love seat thing in front of it so you can't get a full body picture of yourself. And a big metallic sun sculpture on the wall that does nothing but look cool. I just get the sinking feeling that whoever revamped this place when they revamped it was more concerned with design elements and not so worried about functional elements. And I'm guessing that the people on the 11th floor, right under the rooftop bar, who got to hear the loud, thumping techno music of the rooftop bar all weekend, would agree with me.

Or I could just have really bad taste. Who knows.

I'd also kind of like to know why. I don't mean that to sound accusatory - I'm asking because I don't know. The friend who told me he'd had a thing for me for years, but who I now haven't spoken to in about a year and a half. The friend who played me not once, not twice, but thrice. And Fucknut. Dear, sweet Fucknut, who one of my friends implied may have told me he was gay so I would back off. Can I ask why? Am I that gullible that I fell for it and you all never really liked me to begin with? Am I a bad kisser? Am I too smart or too independent? Are you looking for someone to take care of and you don't see the need for that in me? Am I physically repulsive up close?

I know it shouldn't bother me, but when you find yourself falling into a pattern that spans over fifteen years, you kind of have to ask why all of these men invest this time in getting to know me only to disappear before anything goes anywhere. It's not like they're even getting the free milk out of the deal - they leave before the carton comes out of the fridge. So why? What is it? It can't all be them. If it was one or two guys, maybe. But we're talking a half-dozen or so, which would imply that it is something about me. I'm just curious to know what it is. I'm not saying I'm going to change it to make other people happy, I'm just curious to know what it is. And would it be wrong of me to email these guys and ask them why? Probably. So I won't. Because they're not worth the time.

I"m still curious, though.

So last night as I was very unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, I found myself thinking about a friend of mine. This is a friend that I had hoped I would be able to see soon because I've not seen this friend in a very long time and I miss him. Yes, it is a male-type friend, but not that kind of friend. I think the world of him and he thinks the world of me, but we have had that talk and we wouldn't date. And no, he's not unattractive - he's quite hot, thank you very much - there are just some things we each want in a relationship that the other one doesn't offer. So we are friends and I love that. I can tell him I love him and there's no weirdness. But as it turns out, I won't be seeing him anytime soon. When he used to come visit, he would sleep on that side of the bed and I would sleep on this side of the bed and while I was very unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep last night, I found myself wishing that he was sleeping on that side of the bed. Which is silly because I am a very light sleeper and I don't sleep well with other people in my bed. But last night, for some reason, I wanted him there. I wanted to be able to hold onto him while I slept. Which now has left me in the very weird position (and perhaps him, too. If you're reading this and you've identified yourself, I'm sorry if this is weird. It's not a sexual thing, I promise. I just miss you) of wishing there was someone in my house with me. And not just anyone. I know of a couple of men who I think are currently interested in me (and who are local), but for one reason or another, nothing is happening. And when I try to think about one of them sleeping on that side of the bed, I feel all ookey and not in the good way. It's really only the thought of this one particular friend that is bringing me comfort at the moment.

I'm sorry. That's weird, isn't it? To need not just a hug, but a hug from a specific person who you haven't seen in a while who lives very far away?

And that, by extension, makes me think about the fact that there are a couple of men right now who I think are interested (but with whom nothing is happening) and what if I did have a certain someone who always slept on that side of the bed and without whom I couldn't sleep at all? Like my cat, but a person. But in order to get there, I'd have to go through all of the getting-to-know-you dating type crap first. Spending evenings talking about our families and school experiences and political views until we trust each other enough to invite one another over to our houses, but then there's the whole "do I ask if he has a spare contact lens case 'cuz I didn't bring one and if I sleep with these in, I won't be able to see in the morning, but it's really not romantic to say, 'hold that thought, I gotta go take my eyes out'" thing where you really need to follow your routine but you're afraid to let this new person know what your routine is because what if they disapprove for some reason and yes, that nightie is sexy, but the ratty t-shirt is so much more comfortable and what if all I really want to do is sleep? I'd like to just fast forward to feeling comfortable enough with someone to just sleep next to them, like I can with my friend, and be able to actually sleep. And then be able to tell him the following day that he has to go sleep in his own bed because my cat is pissed that he didn't get his spot last night and I have some making up to do.

I miss my friend. My cat is softer and really cute when he's snuggly, but my friend gives better hugs.

I don't know if I told you or not (I think I did, or it was mentioned somewhere), but I told the man I've had a crush on for years that I had a crush on him and, in my opinion, he handled it exactly wrong. He chose to not speak to or interact with me at all instead of just a polite, "Thanks, but I don't think of you that way," or whatever. Though his response is the more popular choice, I have to say, it leaves a person feeling rather like shit. Anyway. He was in my dream last night. I was traveling with a lot of people, and I could tell in my dream that my introvertedness was starting to kick in and I was really just done with being around people, but we had to go to this place that was like a giant diner/bar/truck stop food court. And one of the restaurants in the food court was named after my mother. I don't think it was intentional on the part of the restaurant owners to name it after my mother; I think they knew someone (or were someone) with the same name and chose the name for that reason, but there it was, so we had to eat there. And they had vegan cakes, too, that all looked like baby cradles or graves. Not very appetizing. But anyway, this guy, the one I've had a crush on for a long time, worked at the restaurant named after my mom. And I tried so hard to not notice him, the way you try to not notice someone you really want to see after they've told you that you mean nothing to them, but I failed because eventually, I had to go to the register to pay for my cake and he was working the register. And of course nobody that I was traveling with knew who he was because they'd never met him, so nobody thought it was a big deal that I should have to pay for my own cake. So I went and paid and he asked me if I wanted to see his ring. It was a gold band with a light green square stone that he said he got in Utah or some such place. I remember thinking it was rather girly, and not in the "feminine" way, but in the "I had a piece of costume jewelry that looked very similar to that when I was five" kind of a way. But I nodded and walked away. He was playing it in the "hey, we know each other so I should say hi, but really, I'm uber cool since I work at this diner/bar/truck stop food court" kind of a way. Which is sad because this particular person has been in many of my dreams in the past and he is usually a lovely human being in them but now I guess I'm so annoyed with how things were handled that he's going to manifest as a tool. But anyway, in my dream, he was also traveling with a couple of friends who stopped by the diner/bar/truck stop food court and then there was music (probably his, as he is a musician) but I wouldn't let myself listen to him play and his friends were kind of eyeing me but I wasn't all that into it and I turned into a giant introvert who just wanted to go home and be by herself but couldn't figure a graceful way out of the scenario. And every time he came anywhere near me, I hid or found somewhere else to sit. I avoided him completely.

All in all, a very unsatisfying dream that left me feeling kind of sad when I woke up. I'm sad that he would be a jerk to me. I've met him in real life and hung out with him a time or two and he always seemed like a cool guy to me. So it really bothers me that he couldn't handle someone saying, "I have a crush on you." Or that he couldn't handle me asking him to say "Thank you, but no." Maybe I was annoying. If I was, I'm sorry about that. But I miss thinking of him as a good person. I miss being able to listen to his music without getting really sad. I don't want him to be just like every other guy out there.

You know, it's kind of funny. I had my first crush on a boy in preschool, when I was four years old. I remember his name, too, and my friend and I used to fight over who was going to marry him. Come high school, I don't think he knew who I was. But ever since then, I can pretty much define where I was in my life by who I had a crush on. I almost always have a crush on somebody. And they usually get to the point where I would just like to know if I even have a shot, so I say something, and he avoids me for three months, and I sort of sit in limbo until I can find someone else I'd like to have a crush on. I am trying really hard this time to not develop a big crush on someone famous because those ones are, I think, the saddest. Yes, they are safe because that person will never have the chance to tell me "no" as we'll never meet, and even if I did write some fan letter, it would probably never get to the actual person. But I would like to have a crush one someone. I think, in a weird way, life is more fun if you have a crush one someone. That little flutter in your stomach when they call or send a text. The skip of a heartbeat when you see their picture. It's fun to think of someone as special. And when you don't have that...things just kind of plod along. Anyway.

And maybe the really funny thing is I don't think I would know what to do if the opportunity for a relationship presented itself. If I said to a boy, "Hey, I think you're really groovy," and he said, "You know, I was thinking the same thing about you," I don't know that I would know what to do next. The introvert in me wouldn't want to call every day which might irritate him or make him self-conscious or suspicious. And/or if I did want to talk to him every day, that might get to be too much for him. Honestly, I don't know. I don't know how to date or be in a relationship. Which may be why guys shut down when I express an interest in trying one - it's too much work to teach a newbie. Anyway.

I'm sure this guy really is a good person and an upstanding citizen and a caring family member and all of that stuff. I know that he is. I think my subconscious is just trying to help me get over it and how badly it was handled. Which is ridiculous because it amounts to two or three text messages which probably shouldn't have been sent. A friendship lost over a couple of text messages. I wish there was a lesson here (maybe don't drink and text?), but in the long run, I'm glad I said what I had to say because I think it's better to say those things than to not. It just makes me sad that the ears they fell on didn't want to hear them, that's all.

So I'm working nights this week, shooting training videos for work, and I feel like I'm cheating. I need to be there about 3, and I have some props to get beforehand, but I feel like I'm cheating since I slept in (until 7:30), worked out, and am doing laundry before I go to work. It was part of the deal - take all of my other work obligations off of the table so I could focus on videos for a week - but it feels weird. Really weird. I'm just saying.

In other news, I love my new apartment. I miss my old neighborhood. I'm not that far away, but it does feel different. Probably because there is construction going on out front, and probably also because I don't have my routine set yet. My gas will get turned on tomorrow (good thing I'm working nights), so then I'll be able to cook, which will be nice. I don't miss the little old man who would masturbate in front of his window, but it looked like he moved out, too. I like having more space. I like having hardwood floors again. I like being able to reset my own fuses if they blow. I feel a little bad that my cat isn't totally comfortable in the new place yet - he still likes to be where I am, and right exactly now he's running around like a crazy person. I can't tell if it's a weather thing or a new apartment thing or just an "I'm a cat and I'm kind of nuts" thing. Anyway. All in all, I think it was a move up.

So yeah. I should eat some lunch before I go to work. I am a little afraid I'll like this working night thing so much I won't want to go back to working days. I don't think I have a choice in the matter, though, so even if I'd rather work nights, no such luck. Working nights would make doing theater and music hard, too. Until, of course, the day comes when theater and music is all I have to do. *sigh* Someday...