I'm nervous today. Like can't-quite-catch-my-breath kind of nervous. I'm not sure why. This is actually a pretty typical Monday. I think I just have a lot coming up that I'm starting to feel the pressure of and it's making me nervous.

On the up side, I get to go to New York this weekend to visit some friends. I do love New York and it's been way too long since I was last there. Though this little vacation may also be adding to the nervousness. But yeah, this whole almost painful nervousness thing today is annoying. I don't think it's caffeine because I only had one cup of tea this morning, so it shouldn't have effected me that strongly. I'm just...tense. And nervous. Very nervous. I hope I start breathing normally again soon.

So I think I figured out what is bothering me about the newest season of Doctor Who. It's missing love.

In most of the previous Doctor Whos that I've seen (Tennant, Eccleston, Baker, Pertwee, even Hartnell), you can tell where the character's love is. You can tell that he loves to travel and he loves to see new things. In the more recent ones, you can tell that he loves his companions and loves showing the universe and the whole of creation to them. He loves every form of life and is just tickled pink that he gets to spend his life bouncing around seeing all of it. Yes, he also has the weight of the universe on his shoulders and he is homeless and on his own which wears on him, but that's what makes him complex. And if he didn't love his home so much and if he didn't love life so much, he wouldn't feel the pain of losing it so intensely. It's sort of one of the fundamentals of acting class. Always choose to love the other person - it makes things interesting. Even if you're at odds with them, if you chose to love at least one thing about them, it raises the stakes. People do some really horrible things in the name of love or in the pursuit of love. And it's fascinating to watch.

Matt Smith doesn't appear to have committed himself to loving anything as the Doctor, except maybe being the Doctor. I don't see the joy in building some crazy gadget. I don't see the wonderment in meeting a new species. I don't even really see a connection between him and Amy. And Amy seems to be just sort of plodding along doing her thing. I know there was an episode about her having to choose between the Doctor and Rory and it wasn't until the end of that episode that I saw a glimmer of love in her for Rory. She mostly seemed kind of annoyed with him and going along with the marriage plot because that's what she's supposed to do, not because she really wants to get married. And her attraction to the Doctor seems to come more from the attraction to adventure than because he is particularly charming or anything. Because I don't find a Doctor who doesn't love anything with both of his hearts particularly charming. I saw Rory love Amy (which is probably why I loved him as a character - he had vulnerability), but we all know how that turned out. And now the Doctor and Amy are just kind of running around together because, well, I guess they don't have anything better to do.

I'm not saying that love has to be romantic love. Donna Noble was voted one of the greatest sci-fi characters of all time because she didn't fall in love with the Doctor. But they loved each other immensely - they were best friends and partners in crime. And the Doctor loved Martha. And the Doctor loved Rose. And the Doctor loved Sarah Jane Smith and Romana and Astrid Perth and and Alonzo and Mickey Smith and Captain Jack and all of his companions. He was invested in their lives and in protecting their lives. Romance had nothing to do with it in many cases. I have recently come to the conclusion in my own life that I love being able to tell people that I love them and have that not be weird. There have been plenty of times in my life when I have expressed feeling for someone only to be ignored and avoided for months on end because that kind of positive emotion was something they didn't want from me. But I do have other friends in my life to whom I can say, "I love you and am so grateful you are in my life," and they say, "Thank you, I love you, too," and we go on about the rest of our day and I LOVE THAT. No weirdness. No pressure to run off and have sex or get married or anything. No follow up needed. Just "I love you" and "Thank you." The Doctor used to have those kinds of relationships (minus the actually saying "I love you," of course) with so many people and so many species and so many things. Now he just seems to enjoy being weird and almost creepy in his social awkwardness. He's a bit of an island who likes bow ties. I don't even see him loving bow ties. His catch phrase of "Bow ties are cool," comes out as "I say they're cool, therefore, they are and if you don't like it...well, actually, I don't even care if you agree with me or not. This is what I say, and I'm smart, so it's right."

I'm sorry. I'm such a dork, babbling on about Doctor Who as if it actually mattered. There was a marathon of season 3 on PBS over the weekend in anticipation of their starting to air season 4, and I watched some of it and was reminded of just how beautifully expressive and connected Tennant and his companions were. His point of view was so clear all of the time. Point of view will always save you. And you should always choose connection. And then I watched the most recent Matt Smith episode that I got from iTunes and I found myself much more interested in the supporting characters than in either the Doctor or Amy. I was almost bored when they were on screen. And that's a sad statement to make about what could and should be such a dynamic show.

Anyway. I've heard the season finale is good. Here's hoping. Or if it isn't, here's hoping it ends with a regeneration.

I have spent the day today sorting through my stuff, purging the unnecessaries, and putting them up online for sale. I do feel a little silly selling books online for fifty cents, but let's face it, I feel even funnier asking more for them since a couple don't even have covers on them. A lot of my stuff is in really good condition, though, and I could technically see it selling. I hope it does sell. I'd like to see this stuff go to good homes of people who will use it. And of course, if it doesn't sell, I can always donate things to the Salvation army or wherever.

And on the one hand, it feels good to be getting rid of stuff. Even though it's all sitting in boxes in my living room until someone actually bites on the sale. On the other hand, it's annoying to have all of this stuff sitting in boxes in my living room and I do feel a bit...naked. I am a bit embarrassed that I owned some of the books I'm selling off and now everyone will know I had them. And some of the random trinkets and things I'm selling are a bit silly. But I do like getting rid of stuff. I hope it sells.

If you want to take a look at the stuff I've got, it's all here I'll be adding more in the next few weeks, but I think this is a decent start for today. Unless, of course, I need something to keep me awake for the Doctor Who marathon on PBS tonight and I decide to dig even deeper into my closets. I do have a bunch of scrap fabric and crafty supplies I think I'll donate to my mom and/or her friend who uses that stuff in school art projects. Wouldn't hurt to get that straightened out...

Addendum: He walked in the office, sat down, and made a personal phone call.

I'm feeling the need to give myself a bit of a pep talk, so please bear with me as this post may sound like bragging or like I'm really self-involved or something. I don't think I am. I just need to say some nice things about me to remind myself of them.

I think a large part of my need to do this comes from my constant frustration with my job. I don't mean to talk about it here, but I have one co-worker in particular who gets away with everything - literally EVERYTHING - and when he isn't here, I have to cover for him and do his job. Which makes it really difficult to do mine. And they know it's hard for me to do my job when I have to do his, but nobody ever takes him aside and says, "Hey, dude, you gotta step it up. Kitty has other things to do and can't be relied upon to clean up your shit all of the time." As it stands, he's still not in the office this morning. He had a last minute doctor's appointment to deal with a broken foot and thought he'd be in by 10 so he wouldn't have to take a half-day on Friday afternoon to go have it looked at. Here it is 10:30 and no sign of him. I hope they dock him half a day for this morning; I really hope they do. Because even now on the days when he doesn't have an early appointment, he's not here until 9:30. Which is frustrating because I'm here at about 7:30 and it means I have to cover for him until he decides to show up. And nobody ever says anything about it to him. They know it's a problem, but they aren't the confrontational sort, so nothing gets done about it. I just get to sit and wait for him to show up so I can focus on my own tasks that need to get done.

And part of it stems from my doctor telling me I need to lose five pounds. I went in for my annual exam and she was a lot more hands-on than she has been in the past and I don't know if that's because I'm getting older so she feels she needs to pay more attention or what, but they also recently switched over to a computerized record system, so we had to rehash almost my entire medical history and the last time I let them weigh me, I weighed about five pounds less than I do now. Granted, I had lost about fourteen pounds and I have now put just about all of it back on, but I've been stressed. Really stressed. So I've been stress eating. I know this. I can't stop this just now. I try the waiting thing to see if the craving will just go away. I try drinking water first so I won't eat as much. I try eating veggies instead of the chips and salsa I really want. Doesn't work. I just keep eating. Because I'm stressed and unhappy and sometimes, cake is all that will soothe the pain for a little while. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I am 100% aware of the damage I'm doing to my figure as I stress eat, but I just keep stress eating. I don't know what to do about that as long as my stress level remains where it is.

So I need to remind myself of a couple of things so I don't get completely down on myself.

I have beautiful, long, flowing limbs. Really. Very nice elegant arms and legs.

I have a very strong, healthy body. Yes, I am carrying a couple of extra pounds at the moment, but I am still very healthy. I am (for the most part) very active and strong and my muscles work well and all of that stuff. This body has been through a lot, and so far, I think it is doing rather well, regardless of it's current mass.

I am really talented. Really talented. I'm pretty good at just about everything I do and the things I don't know how to do, I learn really fast. I was invited to a "by teacher invite only" acting for film class (that I'm not taking due to scheduling conflicts), but still, I consider that an honor to be invited.

I am the sort of person other people like having around. I am personable and social (when I need to be) and in general, easy to talk to.

I am very much loved.

There are much better things waiting just around the corner for me. I may be unhappy now, I may be frustrated and stressed, but this is not permanent. I will enter a whole new world of frustration and stress, but in the name of better things.

And my co-worker just got here at 10:43, so now I can get to doing my job. Because I'm good at my job, too.

I dreamed an episode of Doctor Who last night that, I believe, doesn't exist.

It started in the TARDIS with the usual exposition and sort of a "Now we're going to be landing on this planet at this time" kind of a thing and then we were down on the planet. I know it was in the future and I know it was a different planet, but I don't know how far in the future or the name of the planet. What I do know is that there was a very nice landing platform for us just outside of a sort of intergalactic marketplace. This landing platform was in an area that reminded me of a social hall kind of place at college, or the green room at college in the theater department, or SA hall in high school - the kind of place where people would just go chill out for a while when they were trying to kill time before they had something else to do. So the Doctor and I (because I was his companion) come out of the TARDIS and suddenly, David Tennant is also there as the Doctor. I don't think he was my Doctor - I think this was a trip that he and Rose took wherein he met his future self (the Matt Smith Doctor), but somehow everyone was okay with that. Anyway, we were just kind of chilling and this issue of Cosmopolitan falls from the ceiling with a nice thwack and we all go over to look at it because, of course, the two Doctors are unfamiliar with Cosmo and are intrigued with the sex articles referenced on the cover. On the cover is also a picture of Katherine Heigl, which was odd, because I think I was Katherine Heigl in my dream because I knew the picture was of me and I was going to get all kinds of crap for appearing on the cover of Cosmo. Anyway, we start looking at the magazine until we hear that there is this nice, noisy marketplace just over there and we decide to go take a look at that instead. Round about this time, Rose Tyler comes bounding in asking what's going on and she joins us as we go into the marketplace.

Somewhere in here, the Matt Smith Doctor just kind of went away. I don't remember him really serving any other function in the dream other than I knew I'd have to go back with him at the end of the whole thing. But I was so fantastically geeked to be working with the David Tennant Doctor that I'm sure I was smiling too much and just in general freaking him out, but I really didn't care. I couldn't stop staring and I was so excited. His face was a bit fatter than it is in real life, but it was fine. He was wearing the brown suit with the thin blue pinstripes and I couldn't stop thinking about how perfect that all was.

Anyway, Rose went off to look around a bit and I was hanging out with the Doctor and then we heard people shouting about this kid who was walking up the railing next to the escalators into the marketplace. You know on really wide staircases, they'll put a railing in the middle that is sort of a steel oval mounted on steel legs, so people on either side can have a railing but it doesn't take up too much walking space? There was a kid who had apparently walked all the way to the bottom on this railing and was now walking all the way back to the top, on tiptoe, as if he was on a tightrope and everyone was frightened that he would fall to his death or something. But he was smiling and sure of himself and looked to be possessed. And then we noticed a whole slew of kids walking up and down this railing, looking possessed, their arms out like airplane wings for balance. And this was the thing that, of course, signaled that something was not right in the marketplace or that something bad was coming. This fog started rolling in, so we tried to herd everyone into the market so we could close the doors, but these crazy sort of wicker people aliens got into the market, too. They were the bad guys, you could just tell. Or at least the minions of the real big bad guy. And I don't mean wicker people as in they looked like wicker chairs, but more along the lines of "He must have been King of the Wicker People" from Batman mixed with the Cyberman dog thing from "The New Doctor" with a sort of African tribal mask flair. They didn't talk, but they moved very fast and very fluidly and were actually very threatening. They were trying to get people into the fog because The Eternals were waiting in the fog to take us away to some unknown doom. If someone got too close to the doors, the fog would creep in under the door (as fog does) and you could see these sort of creepy, long-fingered green hands pull the person down into the fog and out of our world. Of course, the fog would not then recede - it started filling up the marketplace and everyone was scared and we were trying to figure out what to do. And then Rose, gotta love Rose (who might have been me for a second or two - you know how dreams are), started sort of taunting the lead wicker guy to get him to chase her and she ran over in front of one door and started this speech about how she is eternal so the Eternals can't touch her (it was kind of like the speech she gave when she looked into the heart of the TARDIS at the end of season one but without the glowing eyeballs, wind, and tears) and the fog was rolling in around her feet and she was dragged down, but then the camera angle switched to a shot from above where we saw the creepy green hands sort of clawing and pawing at her while she was curled in a ball on the floor and no matter what they did, they couldn't take her away.

I don't remember really what happened after that, but shortly thereafter, my cat woke me up. I know that there would have to be some resolution to the situation if it was a real episode - we'd need to know why the Eternals were attacking the marketplace and how and why they were possessing the children. But I thought it was a pretty sweet episode. Visually stunning. And, I have to say, I was really geeked to be working with David Tennant. I was really happy that he was back to being the Doctor. All I really saw of the Matt Smith Doctor in my dream was that he looked a bit put out that the David Tennant Doctor was there so he was going to go off and pout or something.

Anyway. Maybe I'll actually write it as a script and see if they'd have any interest in shooting it. Tee hee. That's how I'll get into the Doctor Whoniverse - as a script writer.

Rabbit rabbit, happy July.

I can't believe it's July already. Yipes.

So my dreams have been really...violent lately. Not violent as in people getting beaten up or killed or anything like that, but violent in the sense that I'm all riled up when I wake up. I feel unsatisfied, anxious, restless and exhausted. There is usually some element in my dreams of me wanting to do something but not being able to. I think last night, I was getting married and none of it was working out. The night before, I dreamed I was at a dance in the park downtown and I couldn't get any of my guy friends to dance with me - some of them didn't even acknowledge that I was there.

I know some people don't remember their dreams at all and are a bit jealous that I can remember mine. I sometimes get jealous of the people who can sleep through the night and wake up feeling rested instead of feeling like they just lived another really frustrating day. I know that dreams are the mind's way of working through things that weren't addressed during daylight hours and I guess this means I have a lot of pent up stuff going on at the moment which I need to address so I can get some sleep. Either that, or I should get drunk before bed so my brain just shuts off.

In either case, I hope you are sleeping well and happy July to you!