So I'm not in a good head place. I haven't been in a good head place for a couple of weeks now. And I think the worst thing I have done is to try to force myself into a good head place just so I can seem normal or okay or something. Truth is, I'm not okay right now. I put a lot of work into something that may turn out to be all for naught, something I placed a lot of importance on. Something that if it had gone the way I wanted it to had the potential to change the big three annoyances in my life all in one fell swoop. And to have it not go the way I wanted (I think. I still have about six weeks until I know all of the results) feels awful. It means I have to find other ways to deal with the big three. I've thought about some options in the past couple of weeks as part of my "trying to be okay" thing, but none of those options is a very good one - they'll all lead to more annoyance later. They are band-aids on the problems, not curatives.

So I'm not in a good head place. And trying to force myself into one is not at all helpful. I'm getting angrier at myself when I don't stay in my calorie goals or when I take a day off from working out. I bought a different brand of deodorant that doesn't smell as good so I feel stinky all the time. And I played a really difficult scene in class on Monday that proved that I have the ability to do this, but emotionally had me feeling like crap for a couple of days. And then I got angry at myself for feeling like crap. And none of this is productive!

So I'm taking the weekend off. I'm not tracking calories. I'm going to eat what I want when I want until I'm satisfied. I might work out; I might not. I may even splurge and have a beer. I'm not going to try to make myself feel good. I am going to allow myself to be in whatever head place I need to be in for a couple of days. If I just ignore the icky feelings, they'll never really go away. If I sit in them, acknowledge them, and deal with them, they will go away. Or at least become manageable.

And the funny thing is, as soon as I gave myself permission to feel awful for a few days, I started to feel better. I ate pizza and cake for dinner last night and went to bed at 8:30. I lounged around for a bit this morning (because what else is there to do when you wake up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning), did my dishes, and walked to the grocery store. I bought myself the deodorant I like so I smell like me again. I still don't feel great (my sinuses are staging a coup today, too), but I think allowing myself to take a break from trying to be healthy is the healthiest thing I could do right now. So here's to taking the weekend off!

Rabbit, rabbit.

I'm nervous and scared and excited and relieved and I feel like I should be freaking out more than I am but I'm not. I'm ready for this. I've been working on this for about eight months and it's finally here. And part of me really can't believe that it's here and part of me is relieved that the day has finally come. It is the end of the first phase of a project, which means it is the beginning of the second phase which is really exciting. Really exciting. And if phase two goes as planned...

So I'm nervous and scared and excited and relieved and I'm kind of freaking out but kind of not. I need to remember the humor. I need to remember the energy. I need to remember to take my time and make my points. I need to remember my subjects and I need to go in there with David-Tennant-like energy. And most importantly, I can do this. I know what I'm doing. I'm prepared. I'm good at this. I'm likable. I'm flexible. I listen. And they all want me to do well. You all want me to do well. I am blanketed in love and support and positive energy and it makes me want to weep with joy. Which is kind of what this is all about in the first place.

But it's here. Today is finally here. I will be brilliant. I'm so excited for the next stage!