I find myself getting very angry and very annoyed about the stupidest things lately. This is stuff that should just roll off my back because in the grand scheme of things, it's really not that big of a deal. I just get angry, though, and want to fight. Like I get angry with having to consistently clean up messes at work that aren't mine. I get angry that there are only two of us in the office who empty the dishwasher with any sort of regularity even though everybody uses it. I get angry that my old cell phone company billed me for a month of service they didn't provide and when I called to straighten it out, they bounced me around to five different people and hung up on me once before I got somebody who could kind of understand the situation, but she said I owe money for one day of service. And then (let's just double check our math, here) she informed me that one day of service equals nine dollars and change. When a whole month of service is $73.44. On what planet is nine dollars one-thirtieth of $73.44? And I'm pissed about it! I shouldn't be pissed about it. I shouldn't say nasty things to the accounting person at the cell phone company, but I did. I know it wasn't nice and I'm sorry for that, but she couldn't see how ridiculous it was to charge me nine dollars for their mistake instead of just taking the whole charge off of my bill. Especially considering that I canceled my service with them at about noon, so technically, I should be billed for 12 hours of service. Hey, if they're going to quibble about days, I'm going to quibble about hours.

When did I become the person who quibbles about hours and says nasty things to customer service representatives? I don't want to be the person who quibbles about hours and says nasty things to customer service representatives. I'm really a nice person. I'm a good person. I'm a helpful person. I think I'm just tired of being taken advantage of so I'm starting to lash out at anyone who has less clout than me. I can't tell the president of my company that it is his turn to empty the dishwasher, so I get angry at guy who made some big catastrophe that has been going on for a week and a half my problem all of a sudden. I'm misplacing my anger and I'm sorry about that. I really am. Cell phone accounting lady, I'm sorry I yelled at you. In my defense, you guys screwed up first and your math skills are atrocious, but I shouldn't have yelled at you. I apologize for that.

I don't want to be an angry person who gets annoyed at the drop of a hat. Maybe that's what I should work on as my new year's resolution - I need to lighten up again. I think I know what will lighten me up and I'm working on it, but I can't really talk about it yet. Not here, anyway. Just know that it is potentially amazing and keep your fingers crossed for me!

I had to come in to work today to help out with a training. Yay. Be at work at 7:30am on a Saturday. I think things are going well so far, though. Running smoothly and a bit ahead of schedule, which is okay by me. Smile, nod, be polite and accommodating and then leave to go to class at about noon.

I've also had a house guest for a couple of days and it has been really nice. In part because she is a really lovely house guest. She's flexible and easy going and independent, so it's kind of like having a temporary roommate whose company you actually enjoy. Perhaps, if I did find a partner who I liked and who liked me, living with him might not be so bad. It is kind of nice to have someone to ask, "So how was your day?" when you get home and to have them ask a similar thing of you. It's very...friendly and warm. I dig that.

Anyway. Other than having to come into work on a Saturday, things are going pretty well. Just have to make it to noon...

I'm going to sound like a crackpot in this entry. Just so you know. I assure you, I'm fine.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you can feel your ribcage open up and all of the light that lives inside you just comes flooding out and fills the whole room? That was the Swell Season concert for me the other night. Amazing. Just...amazing. I found myself thinking, "That's my life happening up there, but I'm really happy that they got it." Which I know makes no sense. My life is supposed to be art and performance and joy and making other people feel wonderful things, and I do get jealous of some people who get to live that life who I don't think necessarily deserve it (i.e. the Britney Spears type), but the Swell Season deserves it. The guys have been playing for over 20 years and Marketa is adorable and talented and humbled and completely appreciative of every single moment of her life. They deserve it. They love it. I'm so glad they get to do this, and it made me so happy at the show I wanted to cry. I actually did cry when he played "Say It To Me Now" partially because of the story he told beforehand about a woman in a blue coat, and partially because he came to the front of the stage and played it with no amplification or microphone and he filled that space as completely as the opera singers fill the Lyric. That's amazing and brilliant and beautiful and all I could do was cry. Which also made me really happy because I was freely following my impulses, public forum be damned, you know? Anyway.

I sometimes feel like my body is a shell, housing this brilliant yellow/gold light. And I have to be careful when this light gets to shine because not everyone can handle it. I don't want to overwhelm anyone or blind anyone, so sometimes I have to keep it under wraps, so to speak. But every once in a while, I can open my heart completely and let the light just shoot out and I can't even begin to tell you how good that feels. I was thinking about that after the concert and I realized that I want to do that in a relationship. I'm looking for a guy who can handle it and who deserves to be bathed in it. I think there are a lot of men out there who can see it - when I think back on things, as much as I would like to try to convince myself that I'm not the sort of woman men are attracted to in that way, that's just not true. There have been a lot of men who can see this light inside me and they want to be near it. I haven't always trusted them with it, though, or trusted that they can handle it because it's really bright. Really bright. And a lot to take in. And I think it needs to shine on someone who has his own really bright light, too, because if it shines one someone who has no light (or a weak-ish light), I'm going to be completely drained and that's not really fair to me, now is it? But if it's a mutual light exchange...that could be brilliant.

I know that sounds crazy. You can swap out "light" for "love" if you want and it sounds a little more sane.

I had a dream about Christian Bale last night. For some reason, he was in the house I grew up in - I think they were filming something there - and my room was his dressing room. I had to get something out of there at one point and he and I started talking and kind of became friends. There was nothing romantic about it - we talked about his wife and his work and my artistic aspirations and stuff. I think at one point, I even tried to sell him on Doctor Who and told him that David Tennant was really cute because of his accent (maybe I was trying to get Christan Bale to speak in his real voice?). We ended up going to one of those sort of kitchy stores where they sell cheese and processed meats and kitchen accessories shaped like barnyard animals and stuff like that and I bought this giant slice of coffee cake with blueberry crumble on top of it (think about three feet square giant) to bring back home to I don't even know who (the film crew maybe?). It was a really nice dream and he came off as much more normal than he is painted in the media (what with the outburst on the Terminator set and whatnot) and even somewhat unsure. It was nice.

Anyway. I warned you I was going to sound like a crackpot. I've been meaning to blog for two days (since the concert) and now since I just woke up, it's all coming out in a mush. Sorry about that. Hope you are well.