I think I am at the point where the weight loss is actually supposed to begin. I think the four pounds I have "lost" in the past couple of days were water weight or just me stabilizing as I get back to eating like a normal person instead of snacking at 10:30 at night. That kind of thing. Like when you step on the scale with an empty stomach versus if you step on the scale after eating Thanksgiving dinner - it's going to fluctuate.

So I think I'm done "fluctuating." I think I am at my starting weight now, and it's going to be tough, but I think I'm ready to go. I did really well last night when I went out with my classmates - I ate exactly three sweet potato fries and had one glass of sangria. I stayed within my limits and then came home and did my strength training exercises and went to bed.

I'm curious to see what I am going to look like when I hit my goal weight. Where I am going to lose the weight from? The dreaded derriere? The wobbly waist? Please don't let it be the boobs. I'll be happy to lose weight from just about anywhere else, just not the boobs.

So as much as I want to be happy with my body the way it is, I'm not. I'm just not. I've gotten heavier, I think largely as a result of the year-and-a-half funk I've been in. I'm self-conscious and my clothes don't fit right and now that I'm pulling out of my funk, I want to actually DO something about it.

Yes, I know that it will take a lot of work to lose weight. Yes, I know that once I get down to the weight I want to be at, it will take a lot of effort to maintain that. But you know what? I want to give it a shot. I want to learn to eat normal portion sizes of things instead of an entire pizza in one sitting, you know? I need to remind myself that I can have more than one type of food at dinner, which means I don't have to eat a whole thing of pasta - the vegetables as a side dish will help fill me up without gorging on carbohydrates, you know?

So I signed up for this online food and fitness tracker thing. I've tried similar sites before, but I kind of dig this one because it gives you ranges. It doesn't say "You can eat 1,436 calories today!" It says, "Aim for eating about 1,200-1,600 calories each day," which means if you're really hungry one day and not so much the next, there's room to accommodate that. And it also gives ranges for fat, carbohydrate, and protein intake, so you can keep track not only of how much you are eating, but how well you are eating. Yes, I could eat nothing but Twizzlers in a day, but this site would call me out on the carbohydrate overload and lack of protein. I also like this site because it puts together a sort of training schedule for you. It lists about eight strength training exercises and then says "get some cardio today, too." Which is nice. It's almost like having a trainer. But it's not so overwhelming that I can't figure out how I'm going to fit the workout into my day. It might get there as I get stronger, but it is a good start for now.

Today is day three. My scale read four pounds less than it did when I started. I think that is common, though, and mostly water weight (and or the result of running and jumping around for three hours last night in class). But it is nice to see a change like that right away. It helps with the motivation to keep going.

Wish me luck!

Welcome to the world, Keegan James. You have some pretty awesome parents, which means you're off to a pretty good start. And here's hoping it all gets better from here.

My goodness, I'm in pain. I had fun, but wow. I need to remember to stretch next time. Or stretch more.

While I am proud of myself that I am the kind of person who can do and does do things by herself, I am also aware of how sad that appears to the general public. Or crazy. I like it that I can go to a street festival and see musicians who I want to see whether or not anyone chooses to go with me. I like it that I don't use "nobody else is interested in going" as an excuse to not do the things I want to do. But I know it looks lonely. I know it looks freakish. I know it doesn't look strong and independent - it looks solitary and sad. And I know it doesn't help that I don't feel it necessary to find random people to talk to when I go out places by myself. I remember a lot of people have thought that I'm conceited or scary or intimidating for exactly that reason. Please know that I'm not. I just don't want my perpetual singleness to stop me from living.

That being said, it would have been nice to have company at the street festival for, if no other reason, another opinion on whether the big double sided silver and green and tiger's eye ring was twenty-five dollars worth of cool, or just something neat to talk about later.

I wrote a love song a little while ago just because it wanted to be a love song, and yesterday, through the magic of GarageBand (I love Mac products), I fleshed it out with drums, bass, and even a steel guitar solo. And I have to say, I think it sounds amazing. I'm so in love with this song right now, I can't stop listening to it. It's groovy, but mellow at the same time. And I think my favorite part of it is that I recorded the vocals sitting in my bedroom closet - it is the quietest place in my apartment. I broke my little shoe organizer thing by sitting on it in exactly the wrong place, so I recorded the vocals sitting in my closet on the screw that used to hold my shoe organizer thingy together. It's just so pretty. There is a lot going on in the song, but it somehow all fits together. I uploaded it both to my MySpace and Facebook music pages so if you know where either of those are, you can go have a listen. I can't stop listening to this song. Yes, it is maybe a little adult contemporary, but it's a love song - what is it supposed to sound like?

I started another blog to keep track of my experience in acting school. You can find it here if you're interested. All of my old acting teachers had us keep journals, which were considered sacred space, so we could keep track of our progress and impressions. I would ask that if you do pop over there and decide to start reading, that you please keep in mind that it is my sacred space to keep track of my progress and impressions. Nothing in there is posted with malicious intent, and none of it is intended to hurt or offend anyone. If I'm making an observation about my class members, it is most likely because it is something I want to take note of for my own work, not to single out or embarrass anyone. If, perchance, something I say over there does offend you, I apologize for that right now, but I'm not going to stop posting my honest impressions. It's how I'm going to learn.

Enjoy!

Lots on my mind. Had my first class tonight and it made me rethink a lot about myself as a performer. Like maybe I'm not such a good one because my scene partners weren't picking up on what I thought I was giving them and they were picking up on a lot of things that I didn't know I was giving. Two people, in the course of our exercises, said they didn't like me. Which wasn't personal, but it was totally personal, and before you tell me that there are tons of people who do like me, please know that it was good and in the moment and healthy and productive and fleeting and momentary. Stuff like that is supposed to happen in these exercises. I don't think they really have anything against me as a person, though they also don't know me from Adam so really, does it matter? But I felt like I was totally out of my league, but that I did okay overall. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go. And I could also see myself teaching down the line (once I get good enough at this stuff myself) because a lot of the comments in my head kind of matched what the teacher was saying. I dunno. Maybe teaching will be my calling. I just need to get enough clout as a performer that people will want to take my classes.

And I am back to holding my breath for an old project to finally be completed. On the one hand, it will hopefully mean that there is still a decent conclusion down the line. On the other hand, the incomplete conclusion was really disconcerting and made me rethink myself as the person I thought I was, what I thought I had accomplished.

I dunno. Lots to think about. Lots to look forward to. And I still have this theory that DeRosa kind of wrangled himself onto the DL because he wants the paycheck that the Cardinals have for him, but he really can't bring himself to help them win. He's still a Cubbie at heart. Please let him still be a Cubbie at heart.

I'm starting school on Wednesday. Kind of. Two classes at this acting school in Chicago - Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time, which I think means it's going to be a good school experience. And I think it is going to be the kick in the pants that I need. I hope it encourages me to start taking care of myself again. Yes, I'm doing push ups and crunches every day, but I need to get active again and involved. And I need to move on from this completely unrealistic crush that I have had for about five years. Yes, he's smart, but he's just not that into me. Yes, he's funny, but he's just not that into me. Yes, he's intelligent and cultured and talented, but he's just not that into me. And if there is one thing I need to focus on right now, it is things that are good and healthy for me. So fare thee well, dear crush. You are a brilliant, wonderful, beautiful man, but I'm looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into him.

I'm starting school on Wednesday. Please please please let it not suck.

Happy birthday, Mom. I love you.

Welcome to the world, Miss Alexandra June.