I worked on a documentary a while ago about dating and break ups, and it was invited to play for a week at a very cool, indie-type movie theater downtown for a week. Pretty big honor, if you ask me. So anyway, I went to see it last night (I've seen it before, but it changes a little each time I watch it), and it once again got me thinking about relationships.

I think I'm getting better at them. I look back at the "relationships" I've had (even just the people I've dated for a brief period of time) and I think I'm learning from each one and not making the same mistakes over and over, so that's good. I think my biggest problem is that I try to work on various aspects of being in a relationship with a guy who really isn't into trying that particular thing. For example, I go for honesty with the guy who thinks everyone has a hidden agenda, or I hold off on the physical side until I'm comfortable with the guy who just wants to get some. That kind of thing. I end up single, but at least I walk away feeling like I was true to me. And they always say that you have to love yourself before you can be in any sort of healthy relationship, right?

Someone in the movie last night, though, says that he believes we're all only half of a person and we're looking for our other half. I hate that statement. I am irritated almost to no end by statements like that because I find the thought that as amazing as I am, I'm only half of a person truly depressing. I don't know what more anyone could expect me to be. I feel like I am a whole person on my own. And when it comes right down to it, given my druthers, I would like to find a partner who is also a whole person on his own. Imagine what two whole people can do together, versus two half-people. That, to me, is an exciting prospect. I think the problems with looking for another whole person, though, are that a) a lot of people are walking around thinking they're missing their better half and b) whole people tend to be very busy and preoccupied with things other than looking for other whole people to spend their lives with. I do it. I'll find just about anything else to do so I don't have to "look" for that special someone. Looking is boring. Accidentally running into is fun.

Which brings me to my last realization about relationships. I need to stop dating men just because they want to date me, and I also need to stop holding out for men who don't want to date me. If I've learned anything from my dating experiences, it is that this is not the only guy in the world who finds me attractive and interesting. If I don't find him attractive and interesting, I don't have to spend time with him. That sounds really bitchy, but the alternative is to date him for a while as he gets emotionally invested and I spend the entire time trying to figure out a way to get out of this which is really not fun, fair, or nice either. But I also need a mechanism for "getting over it" when I find myself attracted to a man who is either otherwise engaged or just plain doesn't find me attractive and interesting. Because there will be other men who strike my fancy. And one of the big things I should be looking for in a man (beyond intelligence and sense of humor and values and whatnot) is whether or not he wants to be with me. Because I don't want to be on the other end of that relationship where I get emotionally invested and he spends the entire time trying to figure out a way out of this.

That being said, I'm working on getting over my crush. And I'm going to start taking some classes, which I am very much looking forward to. And I'm going to try to figure out a way to go see some Cubs/Cards games now that DeRosa is a Cardinal. That just hurts, man. It just hurts.

Mark DeRosa is a Cardinal. Really. Sometimes I think the universe hates me.

Okay, so...

1. No note from "that" special someone, but I did get a bunch of other notes from other special someones that really made today sweet and wonderful. There was a time when I knew people all over the country and I kind of wanted my birthday to be about how many people sent me happy wishes. This year - not many. But I heard from every member of my immediate family. I heard from my oldest, dearest friends. I heard from the people who are closest to me and really, that is the important part. So in that respect, today was wonderful.
2. Mark DeRosa is still not a Cub, and we still have Milton Bradley and Kevin Gregg. On the other hand, Bradley was ejected today for being a jackass, and the Cubs won. So in that respect, today was wonderful.
3. I don't have a band again. But I did get booked for a gig next week, and I talked to my drummer about doing a couple DIY recordings once all of her wedding craziness dies down and she is totally up for it. So in that respect, today was wonderful.
4. I dont' know if the little man across the courtyard was yankin' his wank today or not because I left my shades closed. So in that respect, today was wonderful.

And I got to spend the day shooting video for work instead of sitting behind a desk. And I got to enjoy an amazing raw food meal (though the non-cheese cheesecake might have been a bit much). And I got to spend time with my really good friends. So all in all, a really good day. Thank you for the notes and for investing some time in me. I couldn't ask for more than that, and yet, I got it.

Thank you.

I didn't know Michael Jackson. I can't say if he did the things they said he did or not. I can say that he was a brilliant performer and the world will miss him terribly.

I really don't know what to think about his passing. He was fifty. Fifty. That's too young. On the other hand, he lived a brilliant, tortured, wonderful, tragic life and that has to take it's toll.

I really don't know how to feel about his passing. I didn't know him. I liked some of his music. I remember when my brother got "Thriller" for Christmas - we wouldn't play the title track when my parents were home because it had the word "hell" in it. I remember the videos coming out one at a time, each one more amazing than the last. I remember doing the "Thriller" dance in the mall when we built a haunted house there to drum up business and entertain the crowds. It makes me sad that a whole generation of children will grow up without those cultural landmarks. It makes me sad that he didn't get to do his last tour. I feel for his family. I feel for his fans who wanted to see him just one more time. It kind of creeps me out a little that ABC and NBC (and probably CBS, too, but I don't get CBS anymore since TV went digital) put together hour-long specials about him and his life and his death within two hours of hearing the news. He made popping and locking popular. He changed music and dance and culture forever and I don't know that there will ever be another Michael Jackson. His passing is a fantastic loss, and he will be very much missed.

And then there is part of me that thinks it's a hoax. An attempt to get people to finally leave him alone. A publicity stunt for his upcoming tour. And because of that little voice, I'm having a hard time being really sad about his passing. It will sink in later. Probably the next time I hear one of his songs out at a bar or a club.

Rest in peace, King of Pop. Rest in peace.

Tuesday night observations:

My cat likes it when I hold his foot while he sleeps. I think he likes knowing that I'm there and his foot is the least offensive, least warm part of his body that he can have up against mine. Whatever the reason why he likes it, it melts me that he likes to sleep with me holding his foot.

Micah Hoffpauir is kind of a cutie.

Kevin Gregg should not be the Cubs closer. Let's trade him to get DeRosa back.

There is an acting school in Chicago that teaches kind of exactly what I want to study more of, and you have to interview before you can sign up for classes, and I interviewed last week and I got in. Yay! It's evenings and weekends kind of classes, but still. How much fun would it be for me to take some acting classes again? To do something that interests me?

So this morning, on the train into work, I was reading one of my old acting text books and getting really excited about the prospect of getting to do this stuff again. I know not everybody is into Meisner. Some people think it is a waste of time. I think it is a really good way to train yourself to live truthfully, which is what we are supposed to be doing as actors (and technically as people, too, but nobody really does). I'm looking forward to doing the repetition exercise with other people who get it, or at the very least, want to get to a place where they get it. I'm looking forward to doing the activity exercise again. I'm looking forward to "doing," not "acting" or "being."

Now I just have to wait until payday to register...

There are two bits of wisdom that I wish I could impart to the general population.

1 - Slowing down a song does not automatically make it better. There is a Dr. Pepper commercial right now that is doing it's best to perpetuate this myth, but I think it is time we all admit that it's not true. From time to time, slowing a song down is a good thing. It worked for Eric Clapton and the Foo Fighters when they did Unplugged. However, "God Bless America" was actually written as a march. As was the Star Spangled Banner. Yes, it is lovely that you get to sing them in front of a baseball game but let's be honest - the fans are not there to hear you sing. We all want to see the game. The more you slow down those songs, the longer it is before baseball starts and that can make certain people irritable. I think it is safe to say that irritable is not good, so by the transitive property, slowing down songs is not always good. Q.E.D.

2 - There is nothing wrong with being single, or with enjoying being single. I dated a guy once a very long time ago for about a month. And by "I dated this guy for a month," I mean, "We went out twice in the same month." It ended because let's face it, that's not a relationship. But he said to me that he believed there is someone out there for everyone, and that you will find that person. So if you spend the time between now and then dating or not dating, it really doesn't matter because you will eventually end up with who you are supposed to be with anyway. In a way, you're doing yourself a disservice by casually dating people who you aren't supposed to end up with because if you're with one of them when you meet your person, you could miss it. In a strange way, I liked that. I don't know that I'm a fatalist - I don't know that I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I think I was just kind of drawn to the justification that it was okay for me to not be dating.

The thing is, our society is set up to encourage people to pair off. For example, I had a gig last week and as I sat there waiting to play, some random guy came over and asked me to play pool. Within the first two minutes of the conversation, he asked a question about my husband or boyfriend. I don't care what else he might have said the rest of the night; the fact that he needed to know that bit of information meant he was hitting on me. Random guy sees random girl sitting at the bar by herself and assumes that she wants company, that she wants to be hit on, that she wants to flirt. I wanted to play my songs and go home - it took me over three hours to get to the venue and I was tired.

And of course, as I examine my life and try to figure out what I can do to change things so I can be happy again, I start to think about some of the relationships I have had. Not always, but I often find myself dating men who want to date me instead of dating the men I want to date. I've tried to date the men I want to date a time or two, but they're usually not interested in me, or they turn out to be kind of nuts and not in the good way, so I know what the situation feels like on both sides. And to go back to the guy I dated once for about a month, why spend my time dating men I don't really want to date? Why not hold out for someone who interests me? Because there aren't many of those who aren't gay or already spoken for. Which brings me back to being single and enjoying being single. To be in a relationship that you don't want to be in is exhausting. There is pressure and there are expectations, and without the motivation to live up to those expectations, it's all just going through the motions which takes a lot of energy. But I have these friendships that I want to invest in and try for and those aren't exhausting, so I know I could do it. It's just a matter of finding the right guy to do it with. And in lieu of finding him, spending my time doing other things that make me happy. What is so strange about that?

So to sum up: slower is not always better, and there is nothing wrong with being single. There is, however, something wrong with a life that does not include ice cream (even non-dairy ice cream), so if you have some handy, might I suggest you go enjoy some?

Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there. Especially mine.

Hi.

I know I've been remiss in my posting as of late and truth is, I have a lot to say. But most of it is either extraordinarily dull or stuff that I can't post about just yet. I should use this time, though, to keep my writing skills up, whether or not I'm writing about what's on my mind at the moment.

What I think I really need to do is list a few things that I either like about myself or that are making me happy at the moment. So here goes:

I really am a good musician. I'm not the most skilled guitarist in the world, but I write some really good music.
I really am a good actor. Yes, I could always learn more, but for the most part, I know what I'm doing.
I really am a nice person. Deep down inside, I really am nice. I've just been grumpy lately.
I really am smart. Mensa. 'Nuff said.
I really have great hair. I just got all of the dead, fried stuff cut off so my hair feels like hair again and it's really really wonderful. My mom used to say I have one of the all-time great heads of hair and sometimes, I am inclined to agree with her.
I really have an amazing body. Not amazing in the "wins wet t-shirt contests all the time" way, but in the "able to do amazing things" way. It dances and heals itself and is pretty flexible. For as much as I beat myself up about wishing I looked differently than I do, I have a pretty amazing body.

Which brings me to something really odd. Most of this time that I have been grumpy, I look in the mirror and I see "pretty." The face looking back at me is pretty. The collarbone and hair and shoulders and whatnot that I see in my bathroom mirror are really pretty. I've not experienced that before. Usually, I look in the mirror and go, "meh," and go on about my day. But recently, I've been able to appreciate my own physical beauty. It's strange and it makes me feel egotistical. Or it would if I was in a place to feel good about myself at the moment. It makes me wonder what it is like to feel good about myself in general, at the same time that I'm feeling pretty. I think my head might explode if that ever happens.

I love my cat. I love my family. I love my friends. I take secret pleasure in knowing that nothing is permanent. I love it that I get a niece for my birthday this year and I can't wait to meet her. I like that I'm starting to do things again - I need to be doing things. I still have a lot of work to do, but I feel like I'm at least on the road to getting there, and that's good.

Hope you all are well.

I feel like I have a plan, now, which is good. If I have a plan, particularly a long-term plan, I can then break it up into little increments that I can keep an eye out for on a daily basis so that it always feels like I am doing something.

I am going to make a conscious effort to be able to answer the daily question, "What did I do today to further my plan?" with something other than "Nothing."

So last night, I made a sign and hung it on my mirror so I will be reminded daily of my plan and the various things it will take to get me there. As well as a few words of encouragement. I phrased it all as positive stuff so that if I'm ever feeling down when I look at the sign, it won't shame me into doing something, but will hopefully inspire me. And I made a conscious decision to take better care of my body. Simple things. Not skipping out on brushing my teeth before bed, even if I'm really, really tired. Flossing more. Cutting back on the ice cream consumption from "daily" to "maybe once a week." I'm not "dieting," per se, and I'm not going to become a fitness buff. I'm just going to start asking myself before I do things, "Is this good for me? Will this honestly make me feel better about myself, or is it just a band-aid 'cuz I'm grumpy?" That kind of thing. So maybe while I'm watching TV, I stretch instead of just sitting on the couch. Not too strenuous, but still, it's something.

I know this sounds like I've reverted to a simpleton with no complex thoughts or anything, and in some ways, it feels like that. But in some ways, I think I need to slow my thought process down and focus on what's right in front of me if I'm going to get out of this funk. And the easy way to do that is to make a plan, set goals, and stick to them.

Wish me luck!

I'm also having a little bit of trouble believing it is June already. I still don't think the weather has caught up with the fact that summer officially starts in about two and a half weeks, meaning it doesn't feel like June. This means also that technically, I could become an aunt just about any day now. Hopefully not for another month, but if I did become an aunt, say, tomorrow, it wouldn't be nearly as scary as if it had happened last month, you know?

June. Means the year is almost half over. I don't think I've really done anything good with this year yet, so it's a little sad that it's half over already. I did go to San Francisco to see a friend play. And I did my first trade show. And got a promotion. And spent some time with my honorary sister and her family. And cleaned my carpets. Okay, maybe I have done a couple of useful things so far this year. I just gotta pick it up a little so I can finish out the year strong.

So I have been admittedly remiss in my cooking duties as of late. Which means I have nothing fun to bring to work with me for lunch, so I end up bring something really sad and then deciding, come lunchtime, that I should go get a sammich instead. Which translates into, "I'm turning into a Subway sandwich." Now, I'm sure that the twiggy girl in front of me in line would encourage me to order a salad once in a while instead of the same sandwich every day, I would like to say that I am a very big fan of bread and of the 37,000 sandwich shops within a two block radius of where I work, Subway is the only one that has bread I can eat. So I keep going there for lunch. Largely, at this point, I think because I like the mustard. Dijon mustard. What does it say about my eating habits/general well-being when I find myself craving foods not only packed with vinegar, but also horseradish? No wonder I'm single!

Kidding.

But this also means that come dinnertime last night, I didn't have anything fun in my house to eat, so I just had to throw together whatever I had and I came to a very important realization - regular pasta is very dull. White pasta has no taste. Maybe I've just gotten spoiled eating whole wheat pasta for the last few years. I used to love pasta. I would have spaghetti two or three times a week. But last night, even coated in my favorite jarred pasta sauce, a nice bowl of elbows just left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I miss the nuttiness of whole wheat pasta. It adds a whole other level of flavor to your dish. And today, on my way back from the sammich shop, I saw a guy picking at a lunch of white pasta in some rather generic looking red sauce and my heart went out to him. Food does not have to be dull and lifeless! But I figured that would sound funny coming from the girl with a Subway sammich in her hand, so I just kept walking.