So I have a date tonight. And another one on Friday. And I'm going to another speed dating type of event tomorrow. Man, when did I start pouring so much time and energy into the dating business? Because let's face it, it is a business. A very lucrative one. From convincing guys that they have to bring gifts to telling women that they have to wear the perfect shade of lipstick to go eat dinner where it's all going to come off on her napkin anyway, dating is a huge moneymaker. And I let myself get sucked in.

But I do want to say this, just to get it out of the way: I'm awful at dating. I don't know how to do it. Did you see that episode of Gilmore Girls where Paris goes out with Tristan? That's me -- Paris. I will probably scare away more men with my total ineptitude at the seemingly normal social ritual of dating, but there will be one who will find it endearing and will appreciate the fact that I don't know how to play the game and that will be the one that will stick. And worst case scenario, I have to endure a few bad dinners. But I'll get to see some new restaurants, so at least it has that going for it.

Anyway. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

So there has been a lot of talk this year about what it means to be a Cubs fan and whatnot. How can people love a team so devoutly when the team has not won the ultimate prize in 100 years? Why do we keep coming back for season after season of losing baseball? I don't think it has been satisfactorily answered. There's just something about the Cubs organization that welcomes people. It excites us. And I don't know how we do it, but we remain eternally optimistic that this year will be our year.

I think part of it has to do with the underdog factor, too. The Red Sox changed after they won the World Series. I'm sure Bostonians and anti-Yankee fans still love the Red Sox the way they used to, but I know at least in Chicago, the attitude has changed. They are no longer lovable losers. They won twice. They are winners now. And I have to admit to a mild amount of trepidation connected to the Cubs winning the World Series that maybe we won't be as lovable as we used to be if we win. I hope that's not the case, but it is something to think about.

And then, what would we do without the underdog? Would Pittsburgh suddenly become America's darling baseball team, since they can't seem to put a winning season together to save their lives? I think as a society, we need an underdog to cheer for, and I think it really messes things up when we lose that. Think about it in terms of your office -- if you think about the hierarchy of your office, the people in the mail room, or the janitors or the admins would be the underdogs, yes? They make less than everyone else, and they work really hard to keep things running and when one of them makes good and climbs the corporate ladder, it is considered a Cinderella story, yes? But what happens if you fire the people in the mail room and the janitors and the admins? The company essentially comes to a screeching halt with stopped up toilets and piles upon piles of garbage and unanswered voice mails and so on and so forth. Because it is thanks to the underdogs that the company can function.

So what am I saying? We need underdogs. And as much as I love the Cubs and as much as I want them to win it all this year, I hope they still remain baseballs most loved underdogs.

And don't fire your janitor.

Okay, so I went speed dating this week. Which was fun. A little bit of a trip. It's hard to have that many conversations that are so short all in a row 'cuz you have to start completely over every few minutes. Maybe next time I go, I'll just keep having one long continuous conversation, regardless of who the guy is that I'm talking to. Of course, that means some poor schlub will be greeted with "But if you're going to hold your brother responsible for your shortcomings in basketball, then isn't it only fair that he hold you responsible for his failed relationships?" Or something to that effect. Maybe involving monkeys.

But the important part is this: I got my matches today. Two of the four guys I said yes to also said yes to me. Three that I didn't say yes to (but might have been maybes if that was an option) said yes to me. Which means I made a decent impression on a third of the men who were there. Not too bad. But of the two that I said yes to who also said yes to me, there is one that I particularly liked. And the question becomes, do I email him first, or do I wait for him to email me? And how soon is too soon? And how late is too late? I don't want to appear eager or desperate because I am neither of those things, but it's kind of slow at work today, so sending an email would not be a big deal. Or, do I wait until, say, Sunday, so it looks like I had a busy weekend planned and am just now getting around to checking my matches?

See, this is why I don't date. I'm so bad at it. I don't know how to play the game. If there is someone I want to talk to, I talk to them. I don't know all of the etiquette.

Though I'm going again to another speed dating event sponsored by a different company next Thursday night. Should be interesting. Maybe I'll be come a serial speed dater, only talking to people for five minutes at a time, and never following through on any of it.

Meh. I still hope the one guy emails me.

Congratulations, Cubbies, on win number 10,000!

I've not been posting much, but I've had a lot to say. How about that?

So apparently we had an earthquake here last Friday. Well, in southern Illinois, but a lot of Chicagoans felt it. I didn't. I was passed out after my show Thursday night. And then there was an aftershock on Friday morning while I was in the ladies room (where it has been firmly established that my feet don't reach the ground), so I missed that, too. And to be honest, I feel gypped. They've been talking for years about how the fault line in southern Illinois is ready to go and it's gonna be a big one and all of that stuff and I went to school in southern Illinois for three years and nothing and finally, we have an earthquake and I miss it. Is that crazy of me to feel like I missed out? Granted, I'm glad the damage wasn't severe, but still. It would have been fun to feel a little tremor or something. Be reminded of the size and power of this planet we live on. Make me feel more humble for a minute. Oh well. I guess I'll have to just go on thinking I'm the center of the universe like I always do.

Sorry. Had to take a minute out there to laugh hysterically. I hope you joined me in that.

What else? The Cubs are in first place (knock on wood) and doing amazing. I got to go to a game over the weekend and it was cold, but fun.

I'm exercising more and eating less. Yay for that.

I went to this dating thing last week. It was fun, but kind of lacking in the "we'll match you up with someone" aspect of these types of social gatherings. I'm going to a different type of dating thing tonight. I'm honestly not expecting much, and maybe that's the way to go in -- if I don't expect to meet the love of my life, maybe he'll be there. Or someone close. I also managed, just recently, to kind of get over my musician crush. My best friend helped me see just how completely unrealistic it was, so now I am open to meeting new people without some pre-conceived standard of who he should be in the back of my mind. I think that's a much better way to go in to these kinds of things.

And yeah. It's just about time for lunch and I'm getting hungry. It's also getting to be much nicer outside. Warmer. The sun is shining more. So that's good. I can leave my windows open during the day so my cat can sit in them. Oh my god! This morning, in between alarm snoozes, he was sleeping on my bed on the pillow next to me, so I put my hand kind of over next to him (he's weird about sleeping with any sort of physical contact while on my bed -- on my couch, he'll sleep for an hour on my stomach, but on my bed, he wants his own space) and he curled up around my hand so I had to very gingerly remove it when the alarm went off again. Just about broke my heart it was so sweet.

So yeah, that's my life at the moment. Cubs obsessed. In love with my band (happy belated birthday to my guitarist!). Wrote a new song in another tuning so I will now need five guitars (four acoustic and one electric). Thinking about getting another guitar to make things easier. Yeah, just plugging along. How are you?

Is "typically terrific" a compliment?

Lately, I've been embracing the fact that my feet don't reach the ground when I use the restroom at work.

I love it that Mark DeRosa plays everywhere, and that he's happy to do it.

I love it that my band can play just about anything and that they do it really well.

I love it that it is sunny outside and that the forecast for the next week involves plenty of temperatures in the 60+ degree range.

I love it that my cat missed me when I went to band practice last night and was kind of in a frenzy when I got home.

I love it that I have a gig tomorrow night.

I don't love it that they turned the air conditioning on at work. What the fuck? It's fifty-eight degrees outside. Fifty-eight! If you're hot, open the window! It'll take ten minutes to bring the temperature down to something comfortable. Don't turn on the air conditioning. Sweet jebus. I'm sitting here at my desk, wearing a short skirt today because I was all excited that it's supposed to get up to 70 today, and I'm freezing my butt off 'cuz they turned on the air conditioning. I had to pull out my little space heater. Seriously.

Okay, I'm done now.

So I heard this snippet on the radio this morning about a documentary that is coming out that compares Intelligent Design and Darwinism. Well, I don't know if "compares" is the right word. The film apparently shows some people who believe adamantly in Intelligent Design and some people who believe adamantly in Darwinism. Creationism versus evolution. That kind of thing.

Thing is this: the guy they were interviewing on the radio is a highly intelligent man. We're talking multiple Ph.D.s type of man. And he said something along the lines of he doubts Darwinism because it doesn't explain physics. Or perhaps he was saying that some of the people in the film have reservations about Darwinism because it doesn't explain things like physics. Thing is this: Darwinism isn't supposed to explain physics. Darwin's theories applied to biology. They were then extrapolated in the world of social sciences, but they were never supposed to explain how everything in the entire universe works. They were supposed to explain how biology changes over time.

So I guess my point is that I don't think there is one explanation that covers all of it. Intelligent design doesn't satisfactorily explain fossils and carbon dating and things like that. Darwinism doesn't explain physics. Einstein's theory of relativity doesn't explain polyester. And I don't think it's fair to discount any one of these theories based on the fact that it doesn't explain everything. I think that the universe we live in is far too complex to have just one theory that governs all of it, be it chaos theory or the great watch maker. I think there are a lot of things all going on at once, each in charge of it's own piece of the excitement.

And for the moment, I'd just like to be in charge of getting my own lunch. And of wishing fucknut a happy birthday. Happy happy and all that rot!

Reason #4067 why I love Chicago: we have not one, but two vegan fast food restaurants.

It is the same store, but in two locations -- one on the north side and one on the south side. It is painted in bright colors and feels clean and new, with a slight tinge of "we just finished construction in here last week," but it still has the aura of a fast food joint. And the menu contains things like cheeseburgers and chick'n nuggets and tacos and gyros and milkshakes and stuff. Except it's all vegan. And the chocolate, green tea, and coffee used in the milkshakes are all free trade.

I have to be totally honest, though. The cheeseburger and strawberry shake left a little something to be desired. The fries were good, though. And there were a lot of cute vegan boys hanging around the place. Meaning I will go back and try other things on the menu. Mostly because I want to support the idea of a healthy, free trade alternative to most fast food restaurants. I'd like to see them spread farther than just the Chicago city limits.

So if you have a moment, please stop in and try something. And if you see a really cute vegan boy while you're in there, give him my number.

Hey.

So for a little while there, I was a bit worried. See, looking back, when I usually start feeling the itch to find me a boyfriend, I'm at the beginning of a mild depression. And/or, I end up talking myself into a mild depression by thinking things like what if it's true that I'm only half of a person until I find my life partner and so on and so forth like that.

Side note: I'm a whole person. I've been a whole person for quite some time. I'm a productive member of society with a pretty groovy brain who has done a lot of cool stuff in my lifetime. I am complete how I am. If that was some cosmic fluke, then I'm a cosmic fluke. But I like being a cosmic fluke -- it always makes me sad to think that I'm missing this huge part of me that I don't even really know I'm missing. So I prefer to think that I'm not missing anything. That if I enter into a relationship, it's a bonus, not a necessity.

And then I got a picture of the empty lot that used to be the house I grew up in and I lost it. Yes, I spent a lot of time miserable in that house and no, I hadn't lived there for years, but I spent a lot of good times in that house, too, and I didn't really get to say goodbye to it. So I cried like a baby when I saw that picture -- in a way, my childhood is now gone. Officially.

And I stayed home the following day mostly because I felt like physical crap, but also partially because I felt like mental crap. And I slept a lot of the day, but I also cleaned. I unhooked the printer that doesn't recognize magenta and boxed it up, and hooked up the printer that actually prints color. I took all of the clothes I had taken out of my closet and drawers and donated them to Goodwill. I washed my dishes and put things away. I took out the recycling. And you'd be amazed how much better I feel mentally. I have a home that I love. I have wonderful friends and an amazing family. I have a steady job where my bosses appreciate the work I'm doing and tell me I'm doing a good job. I have the most amazing band a girl could ask for. The Cubs have won five in a row (knock on wood). I still feel physically like crap (though I did find a homeopathic sore throat remedy at the store yesterday that is AMAZING -- I love homeopathy), but mentally, I'm feeling much better. AND, I still want to go ahead with Operation Find Kitty a Boyfriend.

So who knows what is going to come of it, but at least I'm going in with a good attitude, looking for someone to enhance my life, not fix it or complete it or do anything co-dependent with it. Who knows what I'll find?

I honestly think it's only a matter of days until I turn into a cucumber.

The other part of it being, I'm really horrible at dating. You can ask the, what, three guys who have considered themselves my boyfriend in my life and they'll tell you the same thing -- I suck at dating. And in general, I don't like to do things I'm bad at. I'll try something a couple of times and once I've given it a good, healthy shot and determined that I just really don't have a talent for it, I move on and try something else. And I'm really horrible at dating. Maybe it's because I'm in introvert. Maybe it's because I'm typically a busy person. I'm not sure. But it's something I had kind of decided not to do because it's really not my thing.

But I think I am going to give it an actual shot this time. So to all of my friends out there, if you know someone who I should be dating, please let me know. I'll throw myself into this, perfectly prepared to be awful at it, but I'll give it a shot. Who knows? It might result in something really great.

Just make sure he likes girls who occasionally paint their fingernails taupe.

I painted my fingernails taupe. I kind of feel like I have to hand in my cool card and register with the better business bureau or something. Like I'm now an imposter rockstar because my fingernails are taupe. Though I have to say, it really looks more like a warm silver than taupe, so it's not all that bad.

I've been on this kick lately to try to feel like a girl. See, I'm really weird about genders. I don't pay attention to them all that much. I meet people. I hang out with people. I consider myself a person. I don't get wrapped up in the outer packaging all that much. Except when it's a really cute boy. I'm noticing really cute boys, but even then, I'm mostly aware of the fact that they are really cute boys, not that I am a girl. Perhaps because a lot of the really cute boys I know and/or meet are gay, so they really don't care that I'm a girl either. That's only half true. I'm trying to rationalize here! Gimmie a break!

But I decided to paint my nails because I want to feel like a girl. I want the cute boys to notice that I'm a girl. I want to be aware of them noticing that I'm a girl. I know, that sounds so strange and so not like me, and maybe that's what all of this is about. I'm usually so busy that I don't have the time to dedicate to things like this. But I've just recently broken up with a large part of my life and I think I'm trying to find another project to fill the void. And part of me is leaning towards trying to find a boy worth dating as that project. It's not a loneliness thing, and it's not a horny thing. It might be a biological clock kind of thing. Or maybe it is inspired by the fact that I am finding more and more couples in really positive relationships around me that I'm starting to think it is possible. Growing up, my examples were my parents who divorced when I was twelve and my friends who were all in those three-day junior high school relationships full of oh so much drama. Is it any wonder I have spent so much of my life so jaded?

Side note, just in case my parents are reading this. I'm not blaming you for my bad relationships. You have both found amazing partners with whom to share your lives and I love all four of you now. Yes, the divorce was traumatic, but in the long run, it all worked out just fine. I don't know how you feel about the whole thing now, but I'm good with it. I promise.

So now I find myself once more thinking about qualities I would like in a life partner. Some of them are the same as when I made a list oh so many years ago, and some of them have changed. I'd kind of like to be with someone tall. I'd like to be with someone for whom the physical side of the relationship is important, but secondary, if that makes any sense. I'd like to be with someone who pays attention to the world at large. I'd like to be with someone who challenges me, but never makes me feel stupid. I'd like to be with someone who is extraordinarily passionate about something, to the point where he will embarrass himself in public because of it. I'd like to be with someone artistic. I'd like to be with a Cubs fan (if he has season tickets, even better). I'd like to be with someone who gets along with his family and my family and whose family I get along with. I'd like to be with someone who loves animals. I'd like to be with someone who believes me when I tell him the truth. I'd like to be with someone who only tells me the truth. I'd like to be with someone who understands my need for alone time. I'd like to be with someone who has his own life and friends but who makes time in it for me. I'd like to be with someone I believe in. I'd like to be with someone who believes in me. I'd like to be with someone who will go to a concert by a band he's never seen before just to go. I'd like to be with someone who is good to my friends. I'd like to be with someone with cool friends. I'd like to be with someone who makes me feel safe. I'd like to be with someone who loves me anyway. I'd like to be with someone who will let me take care of him sometimes, too. I'd like to be with someone who I trust to take care of me when I need him to. I'd like to be with someone who is a really great kisser. I'd like to be with someone who loves my gargantuan rear end and the bump behind my ear. I'd like to be with someone who takes care of himself physically, but not obsessively. I'd like to be with someone who is good with kids. I'd like to be with someone geograhpically accessible. I'd like to be with someone who likes vegan food. I'd like to be with someone who can harmonize.

I know, I know, it's a really tall order. And the guy probably doesn't exist. And I'll never know if I've found someone close if I don't try, right? So how does one go about trying? Do I give my friends permission to set me up? Do I go online? I've signed up for a speed dating outing with my female friends, though truth be told, I'm not really holding my breath for that one. I don't know. How do people actually meet people?

I think the important thing to remember is that the Cubs started out last year 10 and 14 in April, and came back to win the division. Yes, we're 1-3 so far this year, but the season is only four games old. We're not beaten yet.

How is it that I can be so incredibly optimistic about something that lets me down year after year after year after year, yet ask me if I think I'm going to find a life partner and I start to giggle?

Anyway. There seems to be a lot of restlessness and listlessness going around. I know I'm restless. I think I want to be able to be outside or at the very least open my windows. The lack of fresh air is getting to me. And gloomy days. I gave myself a sort of manicure yesterday -- I filed down my nails and painted them with nail polish that was way too old. I threw away the bottle once I was done because it was more like glue than anything else. But for the moment, my fingernails look like easter eggs. Just wanted to do something pretty, you know?

Anyway. I'm babbling. It's supposed to be nice out this weekend (in Chicago, anyway). Enjoy it!

So April second. I have this sinking feeling that there is some special significance behind this day, but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. If today is your birthday or anniversary or something, I hope it is a particularly good day. If something really horrible happened to you on an April 2, hang in there. My thoughts are with you.

Or maybe it's just the day I'm going to see the new Simon Pegg movie. I love Simon Pegg movies. As much as I'm kind of veering away from the theatrical at the moment, I would still give my left arm to be in a Simon Pegg movie. Add him to the list with Tim Burton, Baz Luhrman and Christian Bale.

Or maybe it's just the second Cubs game of the season. I'm so happy to have baseball again. And how about that Fukodome, huh? Almost single-handedly keeping the Cubs in the game on Monday? Not to mention the beautiful pick-off by Zambrano -- actually, a pretty darn great outing by Zambrano all around. Some good defense (though not such a good day for Kerry Wood), some good offense. It just makes me really happy to have baseball again.

And strange as it sounds, as I'm veering away from the theatrical, I'm almost considering investing some time in finding someone to date. If he could be a tall, Irish, Cub-loving musician, that would be perfect. Please let me know if you happen to find such a man and he happens to like little redheads with strange laughs who play the guitar.

Our CD (three-song demo) is out for sale now. It looks pretty good and sounds great. I so want people to hear these songs! And last night, at band practice, all I could think about is how badly I want to go back into the studio and record the rest of the album so we can have a full, official, first release. In jewel cases will full on cover art and thank yous and pictures and stuff. Because my band is amazing. I know that sounds really boastful, but they really are. And seeing as I'm only one quarter of the band, I think it's okay for me to say we're a great band without being too pretentious. Three quarters of that praise is about other people, so it's okay. We have another show coming up in a couple of weeks, so if you haven't picked up your copy of the disc yet and would like to, that would be a perfect chance to do it. Or, if you live way far away and would like one, let me know and we'll work out some sort of arrangement, probably involving the postal service. Not the band; the branch of the government.

And yeah, that's pretty much all I got. Yay for April. Yay for weather above freezing (though if we could break 60, that would be fabulous). Yay for my cat who brings me so much joy it hurts sometimes. Yay for the Cubbies and Wrigley Field. Yay for tons of yummy vegetables to be eaten, followed by some fantastic vegan junk food. It's going to be six years this summer that I've been vegan -- yay for six years. Yay for Moby's new album and Mike Doughty's new album, both of which I acquired yesterday. Yay for taking steps to get out of this funk I've been in. Yay for sunshine.

Be well.