I know it's just the first game of spring training, but it's still nice to see the Cubbies doing well. Knock on wood.

I've missed you guys.

I keep thinking that one of these days, my sleep pattern will self-regulate and I'll be able to stay awake until 10pm, and then sleep until 6am like any normal person. But I'm guessing that what I have to remember is that I'm not exactly normal. Pretty far from it, actually. And I mean that in the best possible way. I like being not quite normal. I don't know that I would have done all of the things I have done if I was normal. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have. Is writing music normal? Is picking up and going to Australia by yourself normal? Is writing and directing a musical (twice) normal? Amongst certain circles, I guess the answer to all of those questions would be yes, but I'm thinking that in the grand scheme of things, those aren't very large circles.

So what have we learned from all of this? I'm not normal. Which is why I am perpetually awake at two in the morning. Maybe once rehearsals start for my show and I have to be at the theater until 10, things will even out.

Knowing me, probably not.

Freak out over. I'm all good now.

So they're going to crash two spacecraft into the moon to kick up some dust in the hopes that they'll find hydrogen at the lunar poles. Does anyone else think this is silly? Granted, we're all looking at this from a hypothetical perspective, but hypothetically, think about this -- the moon has a lot of influence on, say, the Earth's gravitational field and bodies of water. If we essentially blow a chunk of it up, what kind of impact will that have on us? It might seem insignificant to us, but let's harken back to the butterfly-flaps-its-wings theory and see what happens. Adjust the tides by an inch and how many species that live in tide pools will go extinct? And (just bear with me on this one and pretend you like science fiction) if we're looking for water on the moon to determine whether or not life does/did exist there, why are we blowing up the area where that life might (have) exist(ed)? By the time we get there to see said life, all we'll be able to discover is that we blew it up.

Call me crazy, but I say leave the moon alone. Or send someone up there with a really big drill or something. I'm sure Bruce Willis and his Armegeddon crew are available. Oh, wait. He doesn't make it back from that film, right? Well, the rest of the crew can do it. Plus the baby we all know Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler were going to have after he gets home and they get married and stuff.*

*Please note, all of this happened in a fantasy world. I do not mean to imply in any way, shape or form that anything bad has happened to Bruce Willis, or that Mr. Affleck and Ms. Tyler have a secret love child or anything. I'm just playing out what happened after the movie ended.

You know, in general, I like to think that I'm a pretty even keeled person. I have this ability to look at things from a thousand different perspectives and I usually react to things very logically because of this. I like being this way. I like not being the stereotypical woman who freaks out and flies off the handle about every little thing.

The thing is, right now, I kind of need to freak out. I know, logically, that there really is nothing for me to freak out about and I love my family and friends for reminding me of that. Thank you guys. But I need to have a little freak out anyway. If I was ever going to freak out, this would be the time to do it. And I'm sorry if I'm being vague and cryptic, but even if I wanted to be more specific, I couldn't, because everyone else is being vague and cryptic with me. So honestly, I don't even know exactly what it is that I'm feeling the need to freak out about, which is largely why I'm feeling the need to freak out.

Just so you know, I'm fine. There really is nothing to worry about. I'm just feeling like I need to have a moment of weakness. And perhaps the worst part about it is that I find myself wishing I had a boyfriend with whom I could have this moment of weakness. But I don't. And you can't really go looking for a boyfriend for the specific purpose of letting you freak out. That's probably on the Top Ten Turn Offs list.

So thank you all for being there and being supportive and positive and all of that stuff. I think I'm going to have myself a little freak out anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine afterwards. I think it's probably better that I do it as opposed to holding it in -- like anger. If you hold in your anger too long, it will eat away at you. If you're feeling the need to freak out and you don't, who knows what can happen? It's just a little emotional outburst that clears the head and allows one to think rationally and logically again. So yeah. Please pardon me if I'm a little off for a couple of days. I'll be fine. No worries.

I need to stop watching the Oscars. They really just frustrate me because those are my dreams, too, and they haven't come true for me yet, no matter how desperately I cling to the hope that they will. And I guess that's the test, right? How hard can you hold on for how long?

I shouldn't be too negative. I have accomplished a la-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-lot. I have appeard in twenty some odd films. I have written I don't even know how many songs that have been listened to in I don't even know how many countries. I have a band who I love and am thankful for every day. I have an amazing family and some of the best friends a person could ever ask for. I am smart and funny and talented. I'm directing my second show, a show that I wrote. But I still have the day job (which I am doing very well, apparently). And you don't hear my songs on the radio. Yet. The majority of my films were never shown in theaters. I just...it's not about fame and it's not about money. I want to make art for a living because it makes me happy. The sort of happy accident about it is that my art seems to make other people happy, too. So it's not even as selfish as it might sound. I want to bring joy and comfort to other people by doing what it is I really love to do. Which, I hate to say it, doesn't involve sitting behind a desk answering the phone for eight hours a day.

I'm sorry. I really am lucky to get to do what I do on whatever level, whatever scale I get to do it. I just always dream bigger.

And congratulations to Glen and Marketa on their win. I was so oblivious about the Oscars this year that I didn't even realize they were nominated. And then for them to win, against three songs from the same movie...I literally started crying when they won. A couple of indie musicians done good, you know? And they seem like really nice people. And she had lovely things to say in her acceptance speech.

Someday.

Someday, I'll be up there, too.

I think if you spend too much time with any one thing, you'll get tired of it. No matter what it is, no matter how much you love it, it's good for you to step away for a little while from time to time, just to get some air and gain some perspective.

As of late, I have wanted very little to do with film and theater. Which is ridiculous. I've loved movies since before I can remember and my degree is in theater. In many ways, theater has saved me again and again. But things happen, stuff gets political, your love turns into an obligation and it's not fun anymore. So as of late, I've been much more focued on my music career. That's still fun. Though I do have about half of a song in my head that hasn't materialized yet and that's a bit frustrating.

But today, with my first of two days off, I cleaned my bathroom like it hasn't been cleaned in I don't know how long, I cooked, I vacuumed, and I watched some movies. I had a mini David Bowie marathon -- Labyrinth followed by The Linguini Incident -- and I have to say, I really do love movies and I would be thrilled if I could have a career like Bowie's. The eternal question for women is how to balance family and career -- for me, it's how to balance theater and music. He did it really well. And he is, apparently, a really nice, easy to work with, brilliant, level-headed man. And he's fascinating to look at. And has a great voice. And he has maintained a stable relationship for how many years now? With a super-hot woman. Yeah, if I could be anything like Bowie, that would be really groovy.

I will also admit that I drank the last two beers that I had in my fridge, so I can't speak to the reliability of anything I'm typing this evening. Which makes me want to say that as much as I've been fighting the fact that my very dear friend and I said we're going to try harder to find relationships this year, I kind of sort of want to. Thing is, I don't have time for a relationship. Unless it exists primarily in phone calls and emails. Who am I kidding? Emails and text messages. And the occasional snog. But I'm about to direct a musical -- I won't have time to see my existing friends and family; how can I be expected to dedicate all kinds of time to some new guy? Unless he's an amazing new guy. With perhaps an accent. Who is artistic. And hot. And has his own life. And at least kind of understands introverts.

I'm not asking too much. Not by a long stretch.

Tee hee.

I did my taxes this morning. Not necessarily a smart thing to do before breakfast. I worked for one company that didn't take any taxes out of my check and because of that, I went from a nice, juicy refund to having to pay a significant amount. But with the economic stimulus package they're currently considering, I'll get it back shortly. Anyway.

So far, I'm enjoying my weekend of nothing to do. I scrubbed my bathtub this morning, too. I'm thinking today will be cleaning day. And we're talking serious cleaning. Floors, counters, sinks, all of it. Organizing and trying to get my apartment in order. I haven't done a clean like this in probably a year, so I'm due. And in a really sick way, I think it's going to feel good. I should probably have breakfast first, though. It's not good to tackle a project like this on an empty stomach.

So Cubs single game tickets go on sale today. Which means I'll be parked in the virtual waiting room for most of the weekend. Two of the three games I was thinking of trying to hit have already sold out. How crazy is that? But fortunately, I think I'm the only one who wants to go the ballpark on my birthday, so that one shouldn't be too hard to get. Once I get to try to buy tickets.

It's crazy how fast Cubs tickets sell out. And nuts that I want to be a part of the frenzy. But on the up side, I now know at least four people who have season tickets of one sort or another who I have told that if they need to dump some seats, to let me know. Which means hopefully, I'll be able to get to a few games this summer, even if I can't get through the virtual waiting room just now.

Mostly, I'm just happy that baseball is coming back. I just hope it's warm enough to play by opening day. And not snowing. That would suck.

On a totally unrelated note, I was going to be out of town this weekend, but I have canceled my trip and am now looking at 48+ hours that are totally mine. I can do whatever I want with them. I can scrub my bathtub. I can grocery shop. I can vacuum my bath mat. I can finish my script. I can do my taxes. I can maybe even sit down and write this song that has been forming in my head for the past couple of days. How crazy is that? I can't even remember the last time I had 48+ hours to myself. And yes, I do realize that a lot of people would use this time to hang out with friends who they haven't seen in a while, but I'm really hoping my friends will forgive me if I decide instead that I'd really rather hole up and not leave my apartment unless absolutely necessary. I love you guys; I could just use some introvert recharge time. Hooray!

Enjoy your weekend and stay warm!

Ugh.

I dunno. I wish more of the people who signed up to audition for my show would actually come audition for my show. Even if they suck.

I wish there was one more day in the week so that I could actually have a day off sometime.

I wish I was still taking a little weekender this weekend.

I'm sorry. I just have a lot going on and it's all good stuff, but sometimes I wish I didn't have so much going on so that I could focus on other good stuff. Like how to not feel like a total tool in regards to men I have crushes on. Or more time to dedicate to my band and finding gigs and getting heard and all that kind of stuff. Or how to not freeze up when the president of my company talks to me. Or maybe, just maybe, to be able to take the time to exercise. Or shop for new clothes. Part of me says, "go ahead and buy new underwear online; you know you'll be getting what you want," and part of me says, "shopping for underwear online is weird, and besides are you going to have it delivered to work? Because that would be weird. But if you have it delivered to your house, it'll never actually get there because the stupid delivery company sucks when it comes to delivering packages to my house." And what if I really do become a completely asexual idiot savant who only communicates through music? What if it is all just the doings of an ovoid radiodense lesion?

Now I'm just rambling and paranoid. I find that happens when I get busy and stressed. Which happens a lot now. And yet somehow, it all works out okay. I just have to remember that.

I still kind of wish I was traveling this weekend.

I think my orbits appear quite remarkable.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Okay, we're done with that.

Pitchers and catchers reported to spring training yesterday. I got to see blurbs with some of the Cubbies on the news last night. Oh how I missed them. That, to me, the promise of baseball in six weeks, is a great Valentine's day gift. Season tickets would be better, but let's not get greedy now, shall we? Tee hee.

So in addition to getting tired of it snowing on a daily basis, I'm also kind of sort of getting really frickin' tired of all of the Valentine's day talk. I don't remember this many articles and stuff about it last year, but then again, I wasn't this immersed in the corporate world/exposed to unsolicited newspaper headlines as much last year. Then again, I had a valentine last year so maybe it didn't bother me as much. But really, it's getting silly.

I kind of miss the days when a holiday was a special day, not a month-long ordeal. Are we, as Americans, feeling so left out of celebrations like the Chinese New Year, wherein the entire country shuts down for a week so people can celebrate, that we have to turn every Hallmark holiday into a Super Bowl sized event? I mean, really. Valentine's Day is a made up holiday to remind people in relationships to appreciate one another (which they should be doing on a daily basis anyway, or else why are they together?) and to make single people feel like crap because they don't have someone to buy them chocolate and flowers and jewelry. And when I was growing up, it was just one day. You'd bring your Marvel Comics or Winnie the Pooh valentines in to school, and make yourself a little "mailbox" out of construction paper and doilies to collect all of the valentines your classmates were required to give you. And you'd eat cookies and go home and cry that the boy (or girl) you like gave you the "You're Neat!" valentine instead of the "Bee Mine" valentine, and the next day you were over it. The point being, it was just one day. I don't remember survival guides telling men what to buy their girlfriends and wives, or hints to the ladies on how to let him know he planned a good Valentine's Day for you. Was I really just that oblivious, or is it starting to get out of hand? I tend to think the latter, especially since they're starting to put out the Christmas paraphrenalia on the fifth of July.

So on Thursday, I'll remind the people that I love that I love them (which hopefully they know already), and I might get a little butterfly in my stomach if that one certain person wishes me a happy day, but I'm not going to go overboard. No big gifts. No crazy dinner reservations. Just a silly performance at my theater wherein I get to be a boy puppet who, um, you know. All over the stage. Silly string. Hooray for silly string.

And a very happy first birthday to one of the most beautiful little girls you're ever likely to meet. Love you, kiddo!

Oh! And Cubs pitchers and catchers report for spring training on Wednesday. Hooray!

I know a lot of people ask Chicagoans why we continue to live here, given our winters. Most of the time, I can only reply, "Because it's Chicago." This is, truly, one of the greatest cities in the world, in my humble opinion. There is something for everyone here, everyone is welcome, it's just a really great city. We have dancing and sports and a lake and beaches and decent public transit and one of the best music scenes in the country and you name it. We've got it. Chicago is just...Chicago. It's an amazing place to be.

But when I come home from Houston to -30 degree wind chills, even I start to wonder why I live here. Pardon my French, but it's fuckin' freezing outside and there's no real end in sight. And I'm sorry, I know a lot of people would rather be too cold than too hot because you can always put on more clothes or bundle up under more blankets, but I get panicky when it's so cold out. I'd much rather be too hot. I know I'm odd in that respect (many other respects, too, but that one in particular).

Mother Nature, hi. How are you? I know we, as humans, haven't been particularly good to you for the last million years or so (though the last couple hundred in particular -- how about that industrial revolution, huh?). And I know we're getting our due now with more extreme weather patterns and whatnot. But do you have any guesses when the temperature might get over freezing in Chicago? Thanks! Love you!

And I'm off to Houston to visit my best friend and her baby, who turns one on Monday. I'm so excited. I have this feeling I'm forgetting something (which I always have before a trip) and I'm worried that they're going to make me open the baby's present before they let me get on the plane. I can always re-wrap. I should have thought of that before I wrapped it, I know, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to at least make an attempt to make it pretty, even though all I have is Christmas wrapping paper. And my cat is currently perched atop my suitcase, as if telling me either that I'm not allowed to leave, or that he wants to go with me. i will miss him. But it's just for the weekend, so it's all good.

And, I'm excited to go because it's going to be warm there! In the seventies! As opposed to the twenties here. I'm so tired of winter. Have I said that yet? I'm ready for warm. And, it will be nice to have a day away from the office. I like my job; I really do. I really like the people there and I feel every day like I accomplished something. But there is also something that goes wrong every day, too. Sometimes it's my fault and sometimes it's not, but I end up taking the blame anyway. And then there's just the matter of some people have really ridiculous requests. So I do come home exhausted most of the time. But it's a good exhausted.

But anyway. I gotta get my things in gear so I can get out of here. Couple of stops to make before I head to the airport. Have a good weekend, everybody!

Sweet jebus, it's been a long time since I posted. Sorry about that. Quick update before I get to my reason for posting today:

Work is kind of kicking my ass, but in a mostly good way. I like being busy and there is this sort of sense of accomplishment that goes with this line of work that is nice. On the down side, I get home exhausted most of the time.

Recording was amazing and our songs sound so good! You can buy them on my MySpace page if you are so inclined, or we'll be making a CD for sale available soon. I'm so in love with my band.

I'm going to Texas this weekend for my friend's daughter's first birthday and I am excited 1) to see my friend, 2) to see her family, 3) to see her dog, and 4) because there isn't snow on the ground in Texas! Seriously. We've gotten more snow in the last month than in all of the last four winters combined. At this point, it's just getting old. I'm tired of my feet being wet all the time, and the bottom of my pants legs having salt stains on them. I'm ready for warm and sort of dry. I'd even prefer rain to more snow.

And now, my reason for writing.

I know there are a lot of people who don't question things, but I don't understand that. I don't understand doing only exactly what you are told. I don't understand functioning like a machine. I know it's important for the military to work that way, and while I have immense respect for everyone in the military, I know it's not something I could do. But even people not in the military work that way, and I just don't get it. I question things. If I see something that isn't right, or that isn't consistent with previous information, I ask questions to find the right answer. Call me crazy, but that makes sense to me. If you see something that is wrong, why proceed with doing it wrong? Why not try to do it right? Because someone is inevitably going to come back and say, "This is wrong," and if your only excuse is, "I was told wrong," when really, you knew better, I'm sorry, but you just start to look silly. Einstein said, "The important thing is to not stop questioning." I say ask questions. Go above and beyond. Try a little harder. Am I nuts?

See? I even question myself.