So the first day at the new office actually wasn't too bad. It was pretty quiet. We covered a lot of the stuff I'm going to need to know, and the really nice part is that the guy training me (who I went to college with) is going to be there for a couple more days, so I don't have to take off the training wheels just yet. I actually think it's all going to work out well. And if I can be completely honest, it was kind of fun taking the train downtown and then walking to the office. I felt very grown up or something. And very...I dunno. False isn't quite the right word. But I was looking around at the other people on the train in their suits with their briefcases and thinking that even with a day job, I probably lead a stranger life than most of them do, but that I was blending in very well with my lunch bag and my book. It did kind of make me wonder about what crazy things these people do with their evenings and weekends, or if they really are career people who only really think about their day jobs.

One thing that made me really happy is that it sounds like part of the reason I was hired is because I have no ambition to be a career administrative assistant. I have other things going on. Other ambitions. Other motivaitons. It sounded kind of like my bosses look for that in an employee. Which is that much better for me. It means that when it's time to tour the world, I won't have to feel bad about leaving, and they might even be cheering me on as I go. It's not often that you find that in corporate America; how am I so lucky as to have found it thrice?

But yeah, I think I'll be okay there. I may even be happy. I like the people. The work looks like it could be challenging some days and simple on others, which is fine. And it's a really good atmosphere. With a pretty groovy view. Right downtown on the forty-first floor of the building. How can you argue with that?

So it's official. I start my new job on Thursday. And frankly, I'm scared.

I know I'll be fine. If I learned anything from this whole experience (aside from the fact that it's okay to ask for help when you need it), it's that I'm a very capable person. And a likable person. It's funny; one of the jobs I applied for was in a music store. Kind of a prestigious music store that is in conjunction with a music school. And part of the interview had to do with my musical knowledge -- what kind of wood has a warmer tone, how to tune a violin, how to re-string a guitar, etc. -- and I have to admit, I was completely intimidated by it. But I did really well. Apparently better than a lot of other applicants they get. And today, I had to call and turn the job down in favor of the full time position with medical benefits and the guy was so nice about it. He congratulated me and I asked him to please keep me on file for future positions. He said that technically, the job is mine if I want it, so I know that I could, just about any time, go into this music store and say, "Hey, I need some hours. What do you have available?" and assuming they needed an employee at that time, I'd have a part time job. How cool is that?

So I know I'll be fine at this new job. I know I'll learn things fast and perform my tasks well and get along with my coworkers. But, as they say in Beauty and the Beast, "We don't like what we don't understand/In fact it scares us..." I can't visualize what my days in this office will be like yet because I haven't started working there yet, so I'm scared. Afraid I'll mess up. Afraid I'll be bored and unhappy. I'll feel much better once my work day Thursday is over.

And on a side note: I got a bite from one of the other resumes I had submitted a few weeks ago, so I also know that if this new job doesn't work out for whatever reason, I can find another one. I'm a capable employee. I'm a desired employee. I'm a damn good employee. I have to remember that.

I don't have a lot to say, but I kind of felt like posting anyway, so here goes.

I've been sewing all weekend. Made a really pretty quilted pillow yesterday, and started in on another quilt today. Then my machine went blooey and it doesn't want to take more than two stitches without messing up. So I'm letting it rest.

It's going to be weird going back to full time work. Honest full time work where I will just have to sit there and look busy when there is nothing else going on. Hopefully, that won't happen too often.

Oh, and I submitted my information to be in this contest called Last Band Standing. The top two bands get to play at Lollapalooza this summer, and they determine the top bands by online voting. So prepare to be pestered throughout the month of June to go and vote for me. I don't know the specifics yet, as in whether or not you can vote more than once a day, but I promise, I'll let you know.

So yeah. Happy Memorial Day. I honestly don't remember Memorial Day being this big of a deal when I was a kid. Maybe I was oblivious. Maybe it's because thousands of Americans have died needlessly in the Middle East in the past couple of years. Whatever the reason, it seems like a bigger deal now than it used to be. And thank you to all of the men and women who have served and who are serving in our armed forces. I know I couldn't do it, so thank you for everything that you do.

I asked a man out tonight and got shot down.

Honestly, it's probably better as I don't even know when I would have been able to go out on the date I was proposing. But still. Getting the "I'm really busy" excuse sucks. And kind of reinforces my belief that I'm not really supposed to be in a relationship. I either find men to whom I am very attracted who are not at all interested in me, or men who are very interested in me to whom I am not at all attracted. I know, I know, it just takes one. But finding that one is really hard. And honestly, I'm lazy. And, probably more importantly, I'm happy being single. I like being by myself. I've spent so much of my life single that it requires a whole self-examination process to see if I could include another person in my life to that extent without totally sacrificing who I am as a person. So maybe being single is best. And you know what? I'm okay with it if it is.

So if that whole thing was a test, I passed. With flying colors.

I believe I start a new day job on Thursday. Administrative/legal assistant type stuff with a law firm downtown, so not my ideal position, but it is a small office with cool people and it seems like the kind of place where I could get involved in a lot of different kinds of projects, both mundane and interesting, so it should be a good fit. They might even be able to keep me busy. Tee hee. And the salary is higher than the lowest I wanted to go with, so financially, I'm good. Plus medical and casual Fridays and lunch on Fridays and paid vacation and whatnot. So it's a pretty sweet deal. Yes, it means going back into the corporate world, but as my mom pointed out, I'm still a musician if I have a 9 to 5 job. And I'm still an actor with a 9 to 5 job.

And the sammich shop where I love to play switched me to Saturdays instead of Fridays, so I will still be a paid musician. Yes, it means I'll be working six days a week and at some point in the future, that might get to be too much for me, but for now, I get to go play music every Saturday. I think that will help offset the corporate job thing. Especially since I don't have Floss! to fall back on anymore to prove that I'm still an artist.

The down side is that I'm going to have to turn down a part time job at a music store. I would love to work at this music store and the guy said he would be happy to have me. But if I'm already working two jobs six days a week, do I really want a third job? I'd have no life. So I'm sad that I don't get to do that right now, but maybe sometime in the future I'll be able to work there. Or in another music store. Such a great environment, and how awesome would it be to help set people up with the tools they need to release their creativity? *sigh* Someday...

And then today, I ate a bowl of Cheerios with blackberries and soy milk. Incidentally, as if there weren't enough other reasons to drink soy milk, I don't know if you know this or not, but Silk, one company that makes a lot of soy products (milk, yogurt, etc.) is 100% wind powered. Their manufacturing plants are 100% wind powered. They're running a sweepstakes right now to green up your home, and for every entry, they'll up their wind power output enough to power one average home for a day. It requires that you buy Silk products and enter the UPC code, but if you have Silk products in your house, go enter the UPC codes and power some houses with wind power. Groovy, huh?

So yeah. Things are okay. I got a new job. I'm leaving the old one on good terms. I had already taken steps to reduce my monthly expenses. I went to the library today to get books I can read on the train to and from work. I'll be taking the train to and from work which means less gas expense and fewer emissions into the atmosphere. And more walking time for me. I just have to get the CTA card that lets me ride the train a little cheaper and I'm good to go. Maybe I'll buy some new clothes with my first paycheck.

So thank you guys for your support. I should know by now that things always turn out okay. I think the big thing I learned this time around is that it is okay to ask for help when you need it. The people you love and trust who love and trust you will be there when you really need them. So thanks for that. For the financial support, the emotional support, the recommendations that helped me land this new job, for the random beer when I just needed to cry. Thank you guys.

I'd like to take a moment to talk about something some might consider distasteful.

Bacteria.

See, yesterday, I bought a new toothbrush, because it was time and because as much as I want to treat myself nicely, my financial situation is making the definition of "nicely" include splurging on a new toothbrush. And there was a toothbrush on sale that has all of these fancy bristles and a cheek and tongue cleaner on the back of it. I did not buy the toothbrush for the cheek and tongue cleaner. I bought it because it was on sale. And I have to admit, it's a little odd. It brushes the insides of your cheeks while you brush your teeth. The sides of your tongue, too. You have to make a concerted effort to clean the top of your tongue, but whatever. It left my mouth feeling totally minty fresh and smooth and lovely, even though it was kind of odd.

So then, of course, I start thinking of the commercials for this toothbrush that tell you how much more bad breath bacteria this toothbrush gets rid of as opposed to other toothbrushes. Granted, I don't think there is an actual bacteria called the Bad Breath Bacteria, but you get the point. There are germs in our mouths that can cause bad breath. And then I started thinking about all of the other commercials out there for products that kill 99.9% of germs in various places around your home and office and I have to say, pardon the pun, I think that's overkill.

Please note: I am not advocating living in squalor. If you'll just read on a bit, I can explain.

Did you know that there is no bacteria that can grow in the conditions present in your refrigerator that is deadly if consumed by humans?

I'm also not advocating eating rotten food. Just pointing out that if you ate the mold on your cheese, you wouldn't die from it. If you happened to eat the mold on your cheese in a French restaurant, they'd call it bleu cheese and you'd love it, but I digress.

My point is that not all bacteria are bad. You have millions of them living in your body all the time and a lot of them are good for you. They keep the really harmful ones from getting through and doing serious damage. And I know it pains every parent in the world to see their child get sick, but you know what? If your kid never gets sick, he'll never build up his immune system. Yes, it's good to get your kids innoculated when they're six months old, but that won't keep them from catching everything. You know an easy way to not get shingles? Have chicken pox as a kid. Your body fights it off once, and thereby learns how to fight it off again. If we kill 99.9% of all bacteria in our lives, how are we supposed to get chicken pox? And what happens when as adults, we get shingles? It's much, much worse.

Again, I'm not advocating living in squalor. Keeping up with personal hygiene is a good thing. But the sniffles every once in a while is also a good thing. Having a sore throat can make you stronger in the future. If we safeguard ourselves against every possible enemy, we'll never be able to fight off the really strong guys when they come around.

Unless, of course, you're immunocompromised, in which case, you're free to use all the antibacterial products you choose and I will keep my big fat mouth shut.

So the Crosstown Classic this weekend. I love it that we took two out of three. I love it that both of those two were won in come-back style. I love it that we even tried to stage a come back in the third game. We hit long balls, we played small ball. And mostly, we took two out of three against the former world champions.

That's all I really have to say about that.

And so it ends.

Tonight was the final performance of Floss!.

I've finished a million shows before, but I think this might be the hardest one I've ever had to say good bye to. Not only was it a great show that was so much fun to perform, but it is the reason I got involved with my theater company in the first place. It is the first good show I did in Chicago. It is why I know so many of the people who mean so much to me now. I've met friends and lovers through Floss!. I learned how to do sound and lights for Floss!. The only things I never did in Floss! were parts that only boys dance. Other than that, I did everything in Floss!. All told, I performed that show probably 120 times, and no two shows were the same. No two casts were the same. And even for runs that I wasn't in, it was comforting to know that it was going on, like how you know your mom will answer the phone when you call her, even if you don't call her every day. Floss! was just always there. And now it's not. I will never dance the Journey again. I have no reason to speak in that voice again. I will spend the rest of my life meeting people who have no idea what I mean when I say "tak tak" or "hootibah" or "bushnana." I have no reason to say the Bojango prayer anymore.

I cried on stage during the curtain speech. My character cried because she is so happy to be going back to Bebo. I cried because I will never get to be Hacamba Soodiyooni again. Or Fluflexakuku Tootrini. Or Jango von Bebo.

This show has been a part of my life for about four years now. Always in the background. Always there if I wanted it. And for two years, I did. Then I took some time off, but I knew I could always understudy if someone needed me to fill in. I was Jango, I was the ankle breaker, I was the American, I was Hacamba, I was Kuku, I was Bojango, I was Bebo da Fey, I was even crazy cluster girl once. I knew the whole show inside and out and I will miss it horribly. I will miss the music. I will miss the odd conversations. I will miss the costumes. Hell, I already do.

Tak tak to Corn Productions for making Floss! and for letting me be a part of it. Tak tak to all of the Chicago actors who took part in Floss! over the years. Tak tak to everyone who came to see it, especially to everyone who came to see it tonight, who cheered so loud my ears were ringing after the show, and who demanded an encore from us, when we all had red, puffy eyes and tear-stained faces. I'll never forget that. And if you see me in the next couple of days wearing these random pieces of fabric tied around my wrists, they are my eel ribbons that I wore in every single performance of Floss! I ever did and I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to take them off yet. To take them off means that it's really over and I don't believe it's really over.

Tak tak. And Bojango bless you.

So the Cubs beat the Sox today, in come back style. We won in the seventh inning, and then our bullpen was able to keep the lead. Yay!

I also talked to the sammich shop people today to see if I could just switch days instead of quitting completely and the manager told me that I'm their favorite musician. I get more positive feedback from the customers than any of their other musicians (all two of them, but still). He's going to see what he can do so that I can keep playing if I get a 9 to 5 job. That made me feel really good.

And I have an interview through the temp agency already. For Thursday. Could be a good thing -- long term administrative assistant type position. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little better than I was this morning. A lot better. I was physically ill this morning -- I just wanted to vomit. But now I feel like things might just work out. I will start making more money, but I'll still be able to do at least some of the stuff I want to do and need to do to stay happy. It's been a while since I was really happy and it's about time I got back there.

Things keep getting stranger and stranger for me.

I signed on with a temp agency today in the hopes of getting placed in a temp-to-hire type position. They could be ready to place me somewhere or get me started working as soon as next week. And tonight, all I can think about is how I'm so not ready to leave the sammich shop. I don't want to have to go in there tomorrow and tell them that I won't be in next week. I want to be able to stll play for largely disinterested patrons for a few hours a week. I'm hoping that maybe I can just switch days and play there on Saturdays now. But I'm not ready to give that up yet. But I have to.

The other job, I'm okay being done with that. Which, I know, sounds awful. But I'm ready to move on from there. I'm not ready to stop being a musician, though.

This occurred to me, today, too. The last Floss! is this Saturday. I'm not going to talk about the fact that it really hurts that so many of the people I know never came to see me in Floss!, not any of the probably 130 times I performed it. I'm just plain going to miss Floss!. When something is a part of your life for so many years, it's hard to say good bye to it. I loved the characters I got to play. I love the music. I loved walking to the theater on Saturday nights to do a show -- it made me feel like an actor, you know? Happy. I loved being Beboian for a couple of hours every week. I'm sure the language will stay with me. I'll still say tak tak and hootibah. I'll probably still keep my eel ribbons that I wore on my wrists, and I might wear them from time to time when I'm feeling sad. Which I know I will on Saturday when the show ends. I'm going to cry my eyes out.

So yeah, a lot of changes. Maybe it's a good thing. I've been in a funk for a long time and maybe shaking things up is what I need at the moment. Here's hoping it doesn't all blow up in my face.

Applied for eight more jobs as of noon today. This is exhausting. But necessary, you know? I hope people start calling back, soon.

By the same token, it is increasingly difficult to motivate myself in my current job. Things have gotten not-so-good here, and it's really hard to make myself get out there and do the things that might possibly make things better, especially when I have very little faith that they will actually work within any sort of reasonable time frame. I'm sorry, but it's hard. Yes, it's gorgeous outside today, but I have so many other things on my mind that the last thing I want to be doing is walking around putting up flyers, you know? I'm not getting paid enough for that. But if I don't do it, I might not get paid at all, you know? So the lesser of two evils makes me want to stay inside and apply for every possible job I can find that I'm even close to being qualified for (either over qualified or under qualified, I'm applying for both).

I'm sorry I've been such a downer as of late. It seems like bad luck comes in threes, you know? Car fell apart. Job falling apart. Social life falling apart. That should be it, right? Things should start on an up swing now? I'm crossing my fingers as tightly as I can.

I applied for twenty jobs today. And my minions (aka my amazing friends and wonderful family) are sending out feelers to find me something, too. I figure if I can apply for fifteen or twenty jobs a day for the next couple of weeks, at least one of them has to call me for an interview, right? Granted, it's kind of exhausting to apply for tons and tons of jobs, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right? And right now, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Admittedly, I feel a little dirty about it. I'm really bad at selling myself. I'm hoping that I've made my resume pretty enough that people can see from it that I have about a billion talents that I could offer to any corporate setting. Or academic setting. I applied to Universities, too. And a vet's office. And I think my cover letter is professional and confident without being cocky, so hopefully, that will work in my favor, too. Hopefully, also, they won't all get together and compare my cover letters and realize that they're all essentially the same, save a sentence or two here and there.

So the next question is, approximately how long after submitting an application do people usually call for interviews? As in, if I hear nothing in the next two weeks, should I assume they're not interested? Or are they still just gathering applications and reviewing them? It's probably different from job to job and I should just keep sending out resumes until I have a letter of offer in my hands.

Thanks, guys, for all of your help. If you wouldn't mind keeping your fingers crossed for just a little longer, I'd appreciate it.

Whoever thought up moms was a genius. Think about it. Here's this person who lets you grow inside her body for nine months, wreaking havoc on her own physiology at the same time, mind you, and then once you're outside, she loves you and cares for you and protects you for the rest of her life. And she's happy to do it. She cleans up your messes and makes sure you get enough to eat and buys you fun little things for birthdays and holidays and she listens when you need to talk and she never runs out of hugs and kisses for you. Pretty cool, huh?

So happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there. New moms and seasoned expert moms alike, we'd be nowhere without you. Thank you for everything that you do.

And to my mom in particular, thank you. I love you very much. I wish all the rest of you got to meet my mom 'cuz she's a pretty amazing person. But for now, I'll just go spend some time with her. All of the rest of you should call your moms or go visit them today and remind them of how much you love them. 'Cuz moms are pretty great.

Happy Mother's Day!

I got my car back yesterday! Hooray! And I got sunburnt in the process! Not so hooray! Meh, it's not that bad. Shoulders, chest, and back (a little). I was out walking wearing a tank top, so I have some pretty interesting "tan" lines on my upper body. If you can call them "tan" lines when some of your skin is fish-belly white and some of it is lobster red. I'm just all about aquatic life today.

I do want to say another quick thank you for the support I've gotten through this. I didn't take it all very well, and my mom, my grandma, and my friends were great. So thanks, guys.

Okay, now some random.

I was audience to probably the most brilliant conversation ever last night. It was about the word "overneath" and whether or not it's a real word and if it is a real word, what on earth would it mean. Yes, it's an oxymoronic compound word, but the way these guys were talking last night, they came up with six or seven perfectly legitimate definitions for it, some with visual aids. I'm not even going to try to recreate the conversation here, except to quote my one friend, "So the lettuce is not overneath the bun, the bun is overneath the lettuce." I'm pretty sure I pissed off every dog in a three mile radius I was laughing so hard. And man, did I need that.

Side note: for those of you who have not heard me laugh really hard, I squeak. I've been compared to hamsters, dolphins, guinea pigs, the air being let out of a balloon, all kinds of things. It's a very unique laugh and, according to the guy at the table next to us last night, "contagious." Someday I'll go on Letterman or something and he'll make me laugh really hard and you'll all get to hear it. It can be startling if you're not expecting it. Personally, I love it. Mostly because I really do enjoy laughing.

And if I may bring the post down a bit, I'd like to talk about infidelity for a moment. I don't understand it. Okay, let's say you're in a relationship with person A. You've been together for a long time and you love each other a lot, and then you meet person B and start fooling around with person B. Do you not love person A anymore? If you don't, why not break up before messing around with person B? The history that you've had with person A should at least merit that you try not to hurt them intentionally, yes? And trust me, it hurts a lot worse when someone leaves you for someone else than it does when someone leaves you because it just wasn't right. I've been dumped for both reasons, and being cheated on is worse.

I'm not going to speak to whether or not it's possible to love more than one person at a time. It's entirely possible, for all I know. So if you are in love with person A and person B at the same time, don't you think everybody deserves to know what's going on? To me, love includes respect and a desire to not hurt the other person, and keeping one partner in the dark neither shows respect nor keeps them from being hurt because they will find out, probably from someone else, and they'll be pissed that you didn't say anything. Now, if person A and person B are both okay with it, really okay with it, then more power to you. But I think that kind of situation requires a lot of open, honest communication. Or that you live in Utah.

So let's say you don't want to leave person A because you don't know if things will work out with person B. First of all, that's really selfish of you to play with two people like that. It's okay to shop around for a new job while you still have one, but it's not okay to shop around for another person when you have a great one. And if you're not sure things will work out with person B, then why are you messing around with them in the first place? For the newness of it? The excitement? The spark? If those things are missing from your relationship with person A to the extent you need to look elsewhere for them, then maybe you shouldn't be with person A. Or maybe you need to have a nice long conversation with person A so you can work things out as a couple. Messing around with person B does not constitute working things out.

So yeah. I don't understand infidelity. No, I'm not perfect. I have once or twice made out with someone who was involved with someone else. Never more than once with the same person, and usually initiated by the other person, not me. I've not cheated on any of my boyfriends. If I find my attractions going elsewhere, I talk to him about it and/or end the relationship before I do anything else. It's not fair to play people like that and really, it will just come back to bite you in the ass later.

Anywhen. "Overneath." Stew on that for a while and enjoy.

The thing is this. If I quit, I would be missed. I'm not saying that to be egotistical. Trust me, I have no ego at this point. But I would be missed. I don't think it's fair of me to not share my talents, you know? I went and played at the sammich shop yesterday, feeling like shit, afraid to sing too loud because really, wouldn't these people rather just eat their lunches? And one woman asked for my web address so she can come check out a show. Another boy gave me two dollars. And yet another patron said he may have an open slot at a show in June, so I gave him my card and he sent me an email about it. The show is not confirmed, but still. Even playing shitty, I got a new fan, two dollars, and a possible gig. How can I not play? How can I give it up? Granted, those people, having never heard me, would not miss me. But I brought a little something good into their lives and isn't that what it's all about anyway?

So I'm crossing my fingers that one of the jobs I applied for pans out. And I'm doing my absolute best to stay strong and believe in myself. It's not easy, you know? And I know this all sounds overly dramatic, but my self-image has just been taking beating after beating as of late and it wears on you. I'm still healthy. I still have a place to live and food to eat. I have some wonderful friends and an amazing family. By most counts, I'm way ahead of the game. I have to remember that. And I have to remember that talents like mine are meant to be shared. The absolute worst thing I could do is ignore them or keep them to myself.

Still. If you wouldn't mind keeping your fingers crossed for me on the job front, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

So yesterday was nothing short of hellish for me. In the physical sense, I'm fine. Nobody died or was hurt or anything, so I guess maybe the word hellish is a little strong. But it was a pretty awful day. I went out to my car to go to work and the driver's side door kind of fell off. Not all the way off like in that junker car commercial, but enough so that it was then not closeable. I knew it was having some problems, but it went from a little stiff to an inch or so misaligned within two days. And I knew that my passenger door was shot, but really, who needs a passenger door? I don't drive people places. So I called roadside assistance through my insurance and they sent a tow truck who took me out to a dealership who told me I needed to go to a body shop who told me that the cost of the repairs might be more than the value of the car and as it turns out, they were probably right. But I can't afford to take on a car payment right now. I just can't. Not with the four dollars a day I'm making at my current job. I was doing some calculations the other day and I'm really not making any money at my current job. Enough to eek out a living. And with the problems I'm having finding a drummer, the supplemental income is pathetic at best. So I really can't afford to take on a car payment right now; my only real choice is to fix my current car. Which they were right, will cost me approximately an arm and a leg. Their original estimate was for an arm, a leg, and four fingers off of the other hand, but I talked them down from the fingers to just an arm and a leg. See, essentially, the hinges on my door were frozen. Yet another reason to be bitter about the extended cold spell we've been having in Chicago. And because of regular wear on frozen hinges, there is nothing about my doors that is salvageable. Or, if we did try to salvage them, they'd crap out again in a month or so. So my two-door car needs two new doors. Fifty percent of the exterior of my car needs to be replaced. Which, if you think about it, an arm and a leg is probably a fair price for half of the exterior of a car. But in talking them down from the four fingers, she may not look so pretty when they're done with her. The paint may not match exactly and some of the existing damage to the fenders may not be banged out completely. So even after paying an arm and a leg to get my car fixed, I may end up driving around in something ghetto-tastic. Hooray.

I do want to take a minute to say, though, that this whole thing has shown me that I have some really amazing people in my life. My mom is going to help me through this financially, and I can't even tell you how much that eased the blow. Yes, I'm still going to pay her back, but to know that I can pay my mom back instead of sinking into the black hole that is credit card debt is a huge load off of my mind. And my grandmother is letting me borrow her car for a couple of days until mine is fixed, which is also a huge help, especially since I need to have a show costumed by Monday. And my best friend let me call about a million times yesterday just to vent and freak out, and I'm so grateful to her for that. So through all of this, if I have nothing else, I do have an amazing support system, so thank you guys for that. You have no idea what that means to me. Thank you.

But still, it's frustrating. I was just starting to feel like I have my head above water again and bam! Gone. I'm now looking at another couple of years of debt. A couple more years of no fun, random vacations. A couple more years of scrimping so that I can just eek out a living. I'm so tired of that. So tired. And honestly, it makes me feel like a failure. I know I have all of these skills, both artistic and practical, and you'd think that as smart as I am, I'd be able to put something together that made me happy (or at least didn't depress me) and allowed me to live with some level of comfort and adventure. But it's just not happening. I need a different job, is what I need, and it is most likely going to be something that I hate, but that pays me more money. It will probably be something that I have to drive to. It will probably be something for which I have to wear pantyhose on occasion. It will probably be something that will prevent me from playing at the sammich shop anymore. At least not on Fridays. And it will probably be something that will make me hate my station in life again. But if my other option is to do something that makes me marginally happy but doesn't allow me the opportunity to buy musical equipment or get headshots reproduced or pay for studio time, then is it really worth it? I hate that money has become so important to me.

So I got drunk last night. I did everything I had to do yesterday, on time, and with pinache. And then I came home and drank the bottle of wine that I got for Christmas. And I watched three movies that have me in them. I really am good. I'm a very talented actor and a very talented musician and a very smart person and a very kind person and a very funny person and a very loved person and I feel like a total failure because the cost of car repairs is going to set me back another two years.

If you know of anyone who is hiring, please let me know. I've already sent out over a dozen resumes, so keep your fingers crossed that one of them comes through, too. At this point, I'll do just about anything.

Today, I have to wish a very happy birthday to my brother. I know I say this every year, but he really is a cool person and I really do wish I got to hang out with him more. We're both busy, though, and it seems silly, but the city/suburb divide is a lot wider than people want to think it is.

But happy birthday to my brother. I love you and hope you have a wonderful day.

Rabbit, rabbit!

Happy May, everybody. I can hardly believe it's May. Mostly because it really hasn't gotten warm in Chicago until about this week. And seeing as it is a new month and I'm tired of this sort of funk I've been in, I'm going to talk about the funk and what I'm doing to make myself feel better for a bit.

I think part of the funk comes from the fact that I have, essentially, been cold since October. And while I do enjoy the comfort of a big sweatshirt, seven months of wearing a minimum of four layers at any given time tends to make one feel decidedly not sexy. I don't think anyone has seen my waistline in months. I need it to get warm so I can wear cute outfits and feel like a girl. Feel attractive. It's been nicer this week and I've been wearing cuter clothes and it really is helping. I'm not going overboard, but I'm looking a little more girly in a very Kitty way.

I took a trip to my favorite vegetable store this weekend, too, and walked out with a huge grocery bag of fruit and veggies, a lot of it organic, for fifteen dollars. So my fridge is stocked with good, healthy food. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I eat and how much of it I eat at any given time. In general, I eat pretty healthy, but I think I eat too much. So I'm trying to just be conscious of that. I tried keeping a food diary for a few days, but that made my whole life about food and I don't want that. I just want to be able to stop eating chips after a serving or two instead of after the whole bag, you know? So I'm feeling good about that. Bringing back big salads and eating more whole grains and lentils and stuff again. Fresh tomatoes. Actually cooking food. It makes a difference when you take the time to prepare a meal for yourself. Like a little present that's good for your body and spirit.

I'm also exercising more. Trying to walk and/or ride my exercise bike daily. I walked to work this morning. I even did some light weight lifting last night because while I do have pretty good shoulders, I'd like to have kickass shoulders.

And I finally told off the last guy who really hurt me. He tried to apologize for it some time ago, but it was weak. I just kind of let that go, but then I realized that for my own sake, I needed to tell him why the way he treated me was so wrong. So I did. In an email. I'm not sure if it sunk in or not, but at least I got to say it, you know? So maybe I can let it go now.

I'm still looking for a drummer, yes. But I also applied to host an open mic once every other week. That could be fun. I haven't written anything for my book in a couple of days, but I do have that going, too. And I've been listening to really good music again, plotting a trip on undetermined dates to see a show. And today I might try to get a new dress to wear to a wedding I have to go to this weekend. I have one I could wear, though it might be a little tart-ish. If I could find something else that's not too expensive, that would be fun.

So yeah, I'm eating better and exercising more. Trying to look cute. Trying to make sure I still get to be creative even if I don't have a drummer. I'll let you know how it all works out.

I hope you all are doing well and enjoying nice, springtime/summertime weather.