Man, I feel guilty now about spending time online. I used to do this all day every day! Now I feel like there are a million other things I need to be doing.

I need to sit back, relax, and enjoy my unemployment for a little while, you know? Not panic about needing to hit it big right away. I have things in the works. I have gears turning. I have enough money for right now. I have enough skills that I can find something productive to do later. I just feel...I dunno. Like I need to be doing more. More than teching two shows, performing in two shows, playing every Friday at lunch time, and gearing up for three gigs in the next six weeks.

I should go practice...

So I believe I have discovered the secret to gourmet cooking: it is all in the naming of the dish. See, I was feeling saucy in my kitchen today, so I cooked up some quinoa (the only grain that contains all the essential amino acids) in vegetable broth with almonds, then stir-fried (lightly) some orange bell pepper, red onion, garlic, mushrooms, and kidney beans in sesame oil. Salt and pepper to taste, of course. And when the quinoa was done, I threw that in with the veggies for a gentle warming over. Plated some up with a couple grape tomatoes for garnish/cool, juicy flavor, and voila! Brand new dish (for me) that was yummy and healthy. Now, if I were to name this dish "Monday Afternoon" because I invented it on a Monday afternoon, it would maybe find a home at a Denny's or other similar restaurant alongside the grits and various scramble plates. If I call it "Organic Quinoa with Spring Vegetables and Almonds," suddenly, it belongs at some fancy schmancy restaurant downtown where they'll charge you an arm and a leg for it even though it only cost me about three dollars. If that. The box of quinoa was about two bucks, but I only used part of it, 'cuz that's a lot of quinoa.

Anyway. If you want to be a gourmet chef, name your foods based on the ingredients therein.

That is all.

So I left my job because I didn't want to spend all day every day in front of a computer. So I now wake up in the morning and log on to my computer...

So I'm exhausted and have a lot going on in my head, but I don't know how much of it I actually want to post here, but in some ways I really feel like writing, so I think I'll talk around some of it for a while. I am going to be vauge, and if you email me asking for more info, you probably won't get it. Just so you know. This entry is more for me.

I keep having these "I have no money" moments. Which isn't exactly true. I'm fine for the next couple of months. But after six years of budgeting oneself down to the cent, knowing how much you can spend each day until your next paycheck, to not have that next paycheck coming in...it's weird. Normally, I'd be doing really good at this point in the month, to still have this kind of money in the bank. But I can't just divide it by twenty five or whatever, because that next big paycheck isn't coming. I will get a small paycheck next Friday for my gig yesterday. That will be nice. And I have a couple more gigs of my own on the books for the next month or so, so that's good. And a couple more shows out in the burbs that I'll get paid for. And I'm still waiting on my vacation pay-out, which apparently they couldn't even process until I took Simon back. Which I did. On Friday. It was really sad to see him go. And I'm wondering if I should go ahead and start looking for some stupid part time work. I'm not going to just yet, but the thought is there.

And I'm wondering what exactly it is I'm doing. And why me? Then again, why not me? But is it just because I happened to be there? Is that still the motivation or is it turning into something else? And why the hell am I even thinking about that now? Because other people seem to be encouraging me to do so. I do one thing out of the ordinary and everybody has to weigh in on it. Maybe it is all a crock; I don't know. But by the same token, isn't it my right to find out? Everybody else gets to do this all of the time. As long as I go in with my eyes open, what right does anyone else have to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing? I do value other people's opinions, yes. But ultimately, my opinion trumps anyone else's when it comes to how I'm going to live my life. Maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment or hurt. I'm okay with that. I think. I know if that's where it goes, I'll kick myself in the ass for years, because I knew it was coming and I didn't stop it. But who knows? Maybe it is just because I was there. But maybe it is turning into a pleasant surprise that could be a lot of fun for a while. I don't know. I hate second guessing it. I hate getting excited about it. I just like experiencing it for what it is.

And that being said, or not said, as the case may be, I think I'm going to get another beer. See, I'm exhausted because I haven't slept much this week. But you know how sometimes you get so tired you can't fall asleep and then Forrest Gump is on television and seeing as you haven't seen it in years, you feel obliged to watch it and your friend calls and reminds you that alcohol is a depressant and having a beer might help you fall asleep and seeing as your brain isn't functioning properly in the first place because you're so tired you decide to give it a shot and then you have one which reminds you that you should have another? Yeah. It's time for another.

Sleep well, everybody.

Oh! And Cub tickets go on sale today. Hooray!

Hi.

So I played my first gig at the sammich place and let's just say I've played better. When I was missing a string on my guitar and had laryngitis. No, it wasn't really that bad. But it wasn't really that good, either. I dunno. Patrons still smiled at me and stuff. There was one point, when I was playing some Cat Stevens, when these two little girls got up and actually started dancing. I almost melted. And the manager said what he heard sounded good, but he doesn't really get to listen as he's running around taking care of customers and whatnot. And on the up side, they didn't fire me on the spot. But that was a hard gig.

Next week will be better. I'll have a whole other week to build up better calouses, learn more tunes, and to remember to bring sound equipment, because apparently when I heard him say this particular location couldn't handle sound equipment, he meant something else entirely. So yeah. I wasn't fired. Which is good. And I will get paid for it, which is also good. But this is going to be really hard.

And I think I just might have to soothe my aching fingers (and throat) with some Thai food. I think.

So the sad part about this new addition to my family (Chester) is that it means I have to give Simon back. My laptop. So cute. So shiny. He went to Europe with me. I remember when I first brought him home, I logged onto the internet and emailed a friend in England because I figured if I could send an email to England, then it had to really be working. He looks so sad now with all of his files deleted. So empty.

Thank you, Simon, for being such a good friend to me for the past few years. I hope wherever you wind up, you wind up with someone who really loves you and uses you to your fullest potential. You certainly deserve it.

So long, my friend.

Okay, so the new toy I've been talking about? It's my Mac mini. Appropriately enough, his name is Chester. One of my really good friends in high school had a younger brother named Chester, but I don't think that's where my Mac mini got his name, seeing as I haven't talked to that friend in an extraordinarily long time and the last time I did talk to that friend, my Mac mini was not yet born. But yeah, his name is Chester. He still needs a little work to make him all pretty and stuff, but he's pretty cute as he is. And I don't know how much you guys know about Firewire cables, but they ROCK! Or, they ROXORS MY SOXORS as the kids are saying these days. Are the kids still saying that? I don't know. Anyway, Firewire cables are brilliant. I was able to transfer all of my documents and pictures and my entire iTunes library from my laptop to Chester in about an hour and a half with the use of one Firewire cable. Brilliant, that.

Anyway, so yeah, I am now posting to my blog from Chester, for the very first time. I hope he's around for a while. I think we could have some serious fun together.

Hooray for new toys!

So one of my theater company members made my day yesterday. A couple of years ago, she embarked on a diet that resulted in her losing, I think, sixty pounds, and she has kept it off. She looks fabulous. Not that she wasn't beautiful before, but I can tell that she has a lot more confidence and so on and so forth since she dropped the weight. She told me yesterday that when she was losing the weight, she wondered what her body would look like as she got smaller, and she hoped she would look like me. She hoped her body would be the same shape as mine.

I think that's the nicest compliment I've received in a long time.

Hey.

Okay, I'll write more than one sentence today. Sorry about that.

Today is the first day that I feel unemployed. But technically, I'm not. I'm still working on the show out in the suburbs, and on Friday, I was hired to play music at Potbelly's on Fridays at lunchtime. So I do have a job. I need a couple more, but I do have a job. Just not the one I hated for so long. And I have to say, it was really nice to sleep in this morning. Really nice to not have to worry about coming home from the 'burbs and go instantly to bed so I wouldn't be dead at work in the morning. And I have to tell you, it feels really good to be unemployed. I do have a little bit of the money paranoia going on, but it's not horrible yet.

And on that note, I hate to do this, but I have to cut this short and run away to get more accessories for my new toy. I promise I'll tell you more later.

Be well!

I stepped on the scale this morning (as much as I hate to admit it) and the number was smaller than it has been in years. w00t.

It is a very sad day when my cell phone becomes more reliable than my home phone.

So if you've seen Moulin Rouge, you'll know what I intend to sound like when I say, "Everything's going so well!" The fat guy who owns the place. You know who I'm talking about. Anyway. Yeah, it's almost frightening how well things are going. I almost don't want to talk about any of it for fear I might jinx it. But I will tell you this: I got the job playing at a certain sandwich shop chain on Fridays from 11:30-2:30 pm. The starting pay isn't quite what I thought it would be (great hourly wage, but when you only play 3 hours a week, it doesn't add up very fast), but there is potential for raises and so on and so forth. They loved it that I learned some Beatles for this week because someone requested it last week. Anyway. I have at least one gig a week. Yay! I'm an official, paid musician! Now I just have to hit up a few other locations and fill in my other days...

Oh! And if you have any suggestions for songs I should learn, let me know. I need lots of material, people! (I have a lot, but I could use more so I'm not playing the same exact set every week. You understand.)

But yeah. Day two and no regrets about leaving my job.

Hello, my fabulous readers. How are you today? Is it icky outside where you are, too? It's kinda rainy and gloomy here. I, of course, am not really noticing because I have this giant dumbass grin on my face.

I don't have to go to work anymore. Well, not at that job, anyway. Like my Texas friend said, I do still have a job, just a different one. And it's one I'm really looking forward to. And I got a great send off yesterday. Not from the people at work, but from the people I hung out with afterwards. My theater friends. My theater groupie friend. My new drummer friend.

Yeah, I think that's all I'm going to say about that in public. But let's just say day one of no more office job is fantastic. I can't even tell that it's raining.

And we're down to the last day. And I'm SO happy to be leaving this place. I've got my stuff packed up and I'm pretty much ready to go. I don't know if I'll stick around the whole day or not.

There's been a new wrench thrown into my plans, but it will result in me buying a new toy, probably today after work. It's an annoying expense, but a necessary one, and I think it will be a good move. I'll tell you more about that later.

And, here's the exciting part: my website should be ready to launch by week's end. My actual website! A site all about me with pictures and music and a calendar and (of course) my blog and all of that stuff, thanks to the fabulous husband of my beautiful Texas friend. I'll let you all know when it goes live, of course, but keep an eye out 'cuz it's coming up very very soon.

So yeah. I'm leaving here with a lot of bad feelings, but I realized as I was driving into work this morning, that they are not feelings that are worth hanging onto or dwelling upon. I'm leaving. That's the right move. And the way I feel now just reinforces that. I will be fine. Actually, I will be more than fine. I will be happy. I just have a few hours left here and then I get to go buy a toy, do a show, and hang out with some friends. And tomorrow, I get to have lunch with my mom and I have my second audition to set me on my way to become a paid musician. I'm good.

I'm really good.

I'll talk to you all soon.

Love you.

I am SO glad I'm leaving this job.

Happy Valentine's Day, kids!

So once again, I don't have a valentine this year, but you know what? That's okay. I have a lot of friends and a lot of family who I love dearly and who love me dearly. So to all of you, I say happy Valentine's Day, and thank you for being in my life.

Now go tell everyone that you know that you love them. It's something you should do every day, but do it today, too, just because.

I love you!

T-minus three days and counting. Terror alert color: burnt sienna.

I'm not so much afraid anymore about my ability to make money without this job. I know I can do that. The wheels are already in motion to make that happen. I'm more worried about what if I forget something on my computer here? Or what if there is some e-mail that's four years old that they need once I'm gone that they can't get at? That somebody else is going to be the miserable messenger carrying my boss' mail back and forth between his two offices.

Stupid stuff to worry about, I know. But when you've been essentially useless for going on six years, and then you suddenly have to make a list of all of the things you do, you realize that you actually did a lot of stuff and now somebody else is going to have to pick up the slack and I'm not the sort to slough off my responsibilities on someone else and I feel bad about now doing so, especially since my responsibilities are so menial and stupid.

I know I'm better than my job, though. I know I deserve better. I know I'm smarter than this and more talented than this. And these things are no longer my responsibility. I just hope not a lot of heads explode when I'm not here anymore to keep them together.

Speaking of things exploding, sweet jebus, did you see Gray's Anatomy last night? Oh my goodness. I almost cried, like, six times. That's good television, that.

And I finally saw Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit this weekend, too. Oh my god, that was cute! The bunnies! Yeah. I hope it wins the Oscar.

Anyway, where was I? Yeah, three days left. It's kind of surreal. I already have a lot to do, and I'm good at challenging and pushing myself, so I'm pretty sure I'll stay that way. It's just going to be weird. Because it's different. And it's an unknown. It will be good. And parts will be bad. But I only have three more days until I embark upon my new life as an artist. How exciting is that?

So I have to say, Friday was a pretty darn good day.

I got my car title in the mail, confirming the fact that my last payment was received, and I no longer owe any money on my car. I now own my car. Yay.

I had an audition on Friday that went really well. A musical type audition that could lead to music-related income. Yay!

The show went really well Friday night and I hung out with the cast afterwards. I have to say real quick that not everyone likes their stage manager. Often times, the stage manager is kind of a Nazi, keeping time, barking things at the cast, just generally not being friendly as he/she does his/her job. And that's fine. That's what stage managers are supposed to do. I, however, want to walk that line between keeping the cast in line and on time, and being friendly and letting them know I have a sense of humor, too. And I got confirmation on Friday that I'm doing a good job of that. I got to hang out with the cast afterwards and we chatted and it was all fun and good. So that was groovy.

And I think I got asked out on a date on Friday. The date was not on Friday, if it is in fact a date. It will be later this week. And to be honest, I don't know if it is actually a date, or if it is just a couple of friends hanging out. My Texas friend is sure it's a date. I would not be opposed to it being a date. I would not be opposed to it being a couple of friends hanging out. Either way, I'm looking forward to hanging out with this new friend/possible date person.

So yeah, I'm feeling good. I worked out yesterday and today. I have two shows in the 'burbs today, but I only have three days of work left at my current job, so that's good. And my cat is being extra cute today. Anyway. I'm doing well. I'm feeling good. I'm looking forward to a bunch of stuff coming up. Wish me luck!

I got a papercut on that little bit of skin that connects your thumb to the rest of your hand. Hurts like a bitch.

My ass is sore from working out the other day. As is my chest. And my legs.

I'm so tired I can barely see straight.

I feel fantastic.

Because really, what it all boils down to is that I'm good at what I do. And I'm smart. And organized. I can do this. And how much nicer will it be when I don't have to get up at 6:30 in the morning while I'm doing all of this? I will miss WXRT in the mornings, but my goal now should be to get on the show for an interview. Tee hee.

I feel really good today, even though I feel like crap.

You know what I mean.

T-minus five days and counting. Well, five work days. Seven actual days.

I took the day off yesterday, largely because I was desperate to do laundry. I have, essentially, been in tech for three weeks straight. Now, for those of you not in the theater world, tech week for a show is crazy. It is the week before the show opens, leading right up to opening night, and it's crazy. As an actor, it's the first time you get to work with your costumes, and it usually means lots of long hours, sitting around, waiting for the technicians to get all their shit together. As a technician, it's long hours of adjusting sound levels, adjusting the lights, making sure all the cues are written down and marked in the right place in the script, and making sure they are all doable. It is, as Dr. Frankenfurter would say, a mental mind fuck. And between the three shows I'm currently working on, I've been in tech for two of them for the past three weeks straight, culminating in the opening night of "Soft Corn Porn" last night. Which, incidently, went really well. But it is exhausting! By the time the show is over, I'm wiped. Moreso than I would be if I was performing in the show, I'm pretty sure. Also just for reference sake, typically there is a stage manager on a show who tells the light board operator and the sound board operator (two different people) when to hit their cues, and who tells the actors when to take their places and stuff like that. On both shows I'm working on that are currently open, I am the stage manager, light board operator, sound board operator, and other random tech stuff operator. It's a lot of work. A lot of fun, but a lot of work for one person. And it also means that I've had about six hours a day at home, four of which are spent sleeping. So I took the day off yesterday because I was desperate to do laundry.

And it was really nice. It was almost like a sneak preview into what my life will be like starting next week. I woke up, had a small breakfast, worked out (I'm sore and gimpy today), showered, did laundry, cleaned up a bit, set up an audition for tomorrow to set contingency plan #1 into motion, checked my e-mail, watched a couple of movies ("Corpse Bride" and "Rize" both really good films in totally different ways), and got ready to go to the theater for opening night. It was a good day. I was productive (though I think I figured out that I have already spent more on my career this year than I have brought in), yet relaxed. I got stuff done, but didn't feel horribly pressured. I didn't miss coming in to work.

I did miss the human interaction that comes with going to work. But just a little. And once I have other things to do, I'm pretty confident I'll get the interaction I want/need. I don't need much. It is just a little bit weird to go a whole day without speaking to another human being. Though I did talk to a couple of people on the phone. I'm going to have to get better at phone speak. As in, I currently hate talking on the phone. I almost never call people and it's not because I don't like people, it's because I don't like talking on the phone. But I'm going to have to get better at that. Especially if I'm going to be pimping myself all over the place. Anyway.

T-minus five days and counting. I think I'll be okay.

I think the woman down the hall from me took a bath in baby Aspirin at lunch. Oddly enough, the smell of the baby Aspirin is giving me a headache.

One of my directors gave me a Princess Leia digital watch (with hologram, thank you very much) to use while I'm stage managing the show. It's now my Stage Manager Watch. And it's even reversable, so if I don't feel like Princess Leia, I can have the Jabba the Hut side showing. I love it 'cuz it's huge and tacky and makes my wrist look tiny.

See, in a perfect world, it would have gone something like this:

Danish cartoons published making fun of Mohammed.

Muslim world: Um, hey, would you guys mind not making fun of our God?
Danes: Oh, crap, sorry. Didn't mean to be offensive.
Muslim world: It's all good. Just please don't do that again. We're kind of sensitive about that kind of thing. Especially with everything else that's going on in the world right now.
Danes: Completely understandable. Our bad. Sorry about that.

Rest of Europe publishes cartoons in name of free speech.

Muslim world: Hey now, we asked nicely for you to not make fun of our God.
Europe: But free speech, dude.
Muslim world: Free speech is all well and good, but we asked nicely. We're kind of sensitive about this kind of thing. And in all fairness, we're not making fun of your Gods.
Europe: True. Sorry. We'll stop.
Muslim world: Promise?
Europe: Yeah, we're all good. Sorry about that.
Muslim world: We're all good.

See? Not so hard. And no embassys had to get burnt down. I mean, even if the cartoons were originally intended to be an attack, they've been apologized for. And since when does free speech mean you can't listen to somebody else's point of view? I mean, really. As an American, I'm free to say whatever I want (theoretically). But if someone comes to me and says, "I was really hurt by what you said," I'll apologize for it because more often than not, I didn't know I offended anyone. I don't feel like that means I have to censor myself; it means I have empathy for others. So in the case of these cartoons, I think the "free speech" point has been made. I don't think that not publishing the cartoons again and/or saying "Sorry" to those who were offended will create a huge roadblock on the road to free speech or anything like that. I know it's more complicated than that. But think about it. The Middle Eastern countries who want to wipe other countries off the face of the Earth want to do so because of the way those other countries are treating them and have historically treated them, yes? More or less? So if we continue to antagonize those who don't think others have the right to exist, can we honestly expect them to ever acknowledge anyone else's right to exist? No! It's just going to piss them off more. As is evidenced in the embassy burning and whatnot that's going on now.

Pick your battles, people. A little concession on one side or the other does not mean weakness. It means a willingness to settle things peaceably. And/Or, it gives the one side another bargaining chip. "Well, we did give in on the cartoon issue, so maybe you will let these people live." That kind of thing.

I dunno. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I have no idea what I'm talking about. The whole situation is a lot more complex than one girl living thousands of miles away who is wrapped up in multiple theatrical productions and having a sort of melt down about her impending major life change can comprehend. It just seems like this whole thing is getting a lot bigger and bloodier than it really needs to be.

I'll stop now.

Dork moment: I got mentioned in Moby's journal. He got my username wrong, but that is my post he is refering to.

Those of you who know me will know of what sound I speak when I say I'm making that little "eee" squeal of delight sound right about now.

T-minus eight days and counting.

Eight days left at this job. Eight more stupidly early mornings. Eight more days of free tea. Eight more days of mind-numbing boredom.

I do want to point out that my internet usage will probably diminish significantly once I'm not here anymore. Until I find a good, inexpensive provider that I like and decide what I can afford and stuff, I'll probably have to go to the coffee shop down the street that has free wi-fi with purchase to surf. Not that big a deal -- I like that coffee shop. It just means I won't be sitting online all day waiting for something to happen. My internet usage will have to be much more planned out.

I just wanted to point that out to let you all know that I may post here less. Doesn't mean I don't still love you. I do love you. Very much. And I'll miss posting random things here willy-nilly in the middle of the day. I'll try my damndest to keep doing that. Hell, you all may not even notice. But if I'm not online as much as I used to be, it's because, well, I don't have the kind of access I once did. Sorry about that.

That being said, I'm starting to get excited about not being here anymore. I hope at least one of my contingency plans works out. I should start making some phone calls soon.

Oh! Real quick happy birthday my stepmother. Happy birthday! I'm so glad you are a part of our family.

And another quick happy birthday to the artistic director of my theater company. When I first met him, he scared the crap out of me. But as I've gotten to work with him more and more, I've really grown to love him. He's a wonderful person, an extraordinarily talented artist, and I'm honored to know him. Happy birthday!

I met him and he was perfect. Well, not perfect, but perfect for me. Intelligent. Nice to other people. He was the drummer in a band. He was just a smidge taller than me, and thin, but not skinny. Good shoulders. Good for resting my head on. He had really short hair, not Bic short, but you could tell he used clippers on it every other day or so to keep it short and neat. Black-rimmed glasses. Amazing smile. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and shorts (we'd have to talk about the shorts, but he still looked great). And he knew what he found when he met me. Instantly. He knew I was too good to pass up. He felt that same, wonderful electric thing that I did and he wasn't afraid of it. His touch made me feel safe. But he didn't rush in, either. He didn't blow off his friends or his responsibilities. He let me know he was interested, but he still did what he had to do. And we stole one kiss, one perfect kiss. One that I could feel in my toes. One that left us both wanting for more. He was perfect. He was...

...completely fictional. I dreamt the whole thing.

Oh well.

I think the Allergy Bug crawled into my nose last night to take up residence. He wrapped himself up in a nice, thick blanket of phlegm. I've been doing my best to sneeze him out this morning -- forty or fifty tries, at least -- but he's not going anywhere. Oh well.

And we get six more weeks of winter. Hooray. Thanks a lot, Phil.

Hi, Austria! Sorry I didn't say anything sooner, but I kept thinking you were just another German. Sorry about that. You can hit me now.

*smack*

Ow.

It's okay. I deserved that.

But welcome! And please don't let my crappy hosting skills prevent you from coming back. I'm glad that you're here.

Rabbit, rabbit.

Happy February, everybody! You know what this means, don't you? Only eleven more work days for me. Fifteen actual days until I am officially unemployed. Terror alert was down at green until I said that, and then it jumped up to yellow. Breathe. In. Out. Better. Terror alert somewhere between green and yellow.

So I went to a rehearsal last night for the next mainstage show at my theater company, for which I will be in the booth, running sound and lights and projection type things. And sweet Jebus, that is the funniest thing I have seen in a really long time. I was squeaking through about 80% of it. Yes, some sketches are better than others (it's a sketch comedy show about love, sex, and relationships), but some of them are...sweet Jebus. So funny. NOT AT ALL APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN. I honestly almost think we should check IDs at the door to make sure people are 17 or older before they can enter the theater. But if you're into adult humor, oh my goodness, you're going to love this show. And I can say that because up to this point, I've had nothing to do with the show. It was all fresh and new to me last night, so I got to see it like you guys would if you were coming to the theater for the first time. Anyway, very funny. I'm looking forward to working on this one.

And I'm also thinking that once I no longer have this job, my life will have a lot more random dance breaks. Just a thought.

And the State of the Union address -- I haven't read the whole thing yet. After the 87th mention of terrorists, I had to navigate away. I accidentally recorded the whole thing last night (while, at the same time, chopping off the last ten seconds of Gilmore Girls, grumble, grumble), so technically, I could watch the thing if I wanted to. But the President frightens me when he speaks, and mostly just makes me want to cry. I thought reading his speech would make it more palpable. Only two more years, people. Only two more years...

Yeah, random dance breaks. I'll have to look into that.