I'd also like to remind all of you to read Sinfest. It had been kind of meh for a while there, but as of late, it's been really good again. It's linked over on the side there as "Wonderful Online Comic" or something like that, so when this post is pushed off the screen, you still have easy access to Sinfest through my site. But check it out. It is one thing that has been making me smile pretty consistently as of late. And I need that as of late. So thank you, Sinfest. As of late.

So you're driving down the road and there's some random bit of construction going on wherein the lovely construction workers have removed a chunk of asphalt for no discernable reason from the middle of one of the lanes and then gone off to have lunch for two days. As cars approach this man-made-perfectly-rectangular-completely-unavoidable pothole, they slow down so as to not damage their cars as the wheels drop an inch and then have to come back up an inch. I assume you know of what I speak. If not, just pretend. Has anyone else noticed that more often than not, the drivers who most gingerly pass through such a construction dilemma are the drivers of SUVs? You'll get a Jeep Cherokee cruising down the road, going at least 15 miles over the speed limit, who comes to almost a full on stop to gently roll into the hole and back out of it again, before taking off at rocket speed to make up for the lost time. Hey, fuckstick. Your car was designed to handle shit like that! I know you've seen the commercials where they take the SUVs off-roading so they're covered in mud and bouncing up and down and taking some real serious abuse. You think it can't handle a one inch divet in the road? Are you afraid of spilling your coffee? Why the fuck did you buy an SUV if you're not going to drive it like it's an SUV?

Dumbass drivers.

I'm done now.

So on the up side, I'm not thinking about fucknut this time. I'm not wishing that things had worked out between he and I or that they will work out someday and I'm not fantasizing about how wonderful things were or anything like that. I think that's step in a positive direction. That was not an ideal situation and I know that now. Fully.

On the down side, I'm not really sleeping and I haven't been hungry for the past couple of days. My stomach is all in knots and my energy is low. And I'm kicking myself for being such a fucking idiot. I said all along that it would only end with me getting hurt and it has. You gave me up really easily and that hurts, too. I guess it's my bad. I knew I was going to be hurt and I let myself go there anyway. And while it would be really nice to say that I never want to try this with anyone again, I know that's not the case. I know this just wasn't the time to try that. I know you weren't the person to try it with. I knew it before, but I wanted to believe that it was because you were so good at saying exactly what I wanted to hear. Maybe you meant it on some level, I don't know. But as cliche as it sounds, actions do speak louder than words. You didn't mean any of it the way I wanted you to mean it -- your behavior told me that every day. And I can't just sit around and be hurt anymore. I just can't. So I won't sleep for a few days. And I won't feel like eating for a while. And I'll show up and smile and try to pretend that everything is okay because you are the last person I want to know how badly I'm hurting. You don't get that satisfaction.

One step closer to healthy. Never easy, always a good thing.

I intended to get a lot done this week since I wasn't at work and I did almost none of it. But I got a few things sorted out in my head and I guess that makes it all worth it. Because truth be told, I am a good person. A worthwhile person. And I shouldn't sell myself short, especially when I know I'm doing it. Yeah, it hurts, but it's something I have to do to be able to respect myself. Because in the long run, it only really matters what I think of me.

Ugh. I'm exhausted. Let's talk about something stupid. Like the fact that I totally geeked out seeing Tim Curry in Kinsey. Very good film, by the way. I had no idea he was in it and I literally jumped when I saw his name in the credits. And then to see him on film...I can't wait until January 11 when I get to see Spamalot. He has the best smile ever. Not in that "Oh, he's so dreamy" way. More in a "That transforms his whole face and could mean any one of a million things" kind of a way. Best smile ever. Dream job for me: Be in a Tim Burton film opposite Tim Curry. Then I could die.

I'm sorry, but I need to sing the praises of tofurkey for a minute. It's really just so yummy and so satisfying. One of my omnivorous cousins tried a bite of my tofurkey yesterday and she thought it was really good, too. It's got stuffing in the middle and you cook it in vegetable broth and serve it with vegetables...it's a complete balanced meal all wrapped up in a little ball of soy protein. I've heard it's also really good deep fried, but as I don't really have the equipment to deep fry anything, I haven't tried that yet. So yeah, to the people who invented tofurkey, thank you. You've kept my tummy happy for the last year and a half, and will continue to keep my tummy happy for many years to come.

Things that I am thankful for:

My family. Sure, we have our oddballs. Hell, I'm one of them. But this is a group of quality people. When they ask you how you are and what you've been up to, they actually want to know and they will actually take the time to listen to what you say. They're just...great people. It's hard to describe; you'd just have to meet all of them.

My friends. You guys keep me from being alone. Which is, apparently, a good thing.

My cat. He brings me so much joy. I love having him in my life.

My house. I'm comfortable here in just about every way a person can be comfortable. This is literally my little corner of the world and I love it here.

My job. As much as I complain about it, it pays the bills.

My talents. The fact that I can express myself in so many ways keeps me from going ballistic because my day job is so dull.

My brain. It serves me well.

I think those are the main ones. There are a lot of little things I am thankful for, too, like indoor plumbing and heat and my guitar and Trader Joe's and stuff, but those are the main ones. If I had nothing more than family, friends, cat, house, job, talent, I would still consider my life to be very rich. Overly rich. I am blessed and for that I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Okay, so I got my hair cut today and it's really cute. As in, I feel really cute. Kind of sexy, kind of mysterious. I feel like I should become the kind of woman who wears skirts all of the time and completely impractical shoes. But I like it. Even though I had to trek through icky rainy snowy windy conditions on my way to and from the salon and then on all of the errands I had to run afterwards, I still like my hair. I can't wait to see how nicely it will hold up in good weather. I'm just so sassy, I can't stand it.

I also don't know whether or not I'll get to post tomorrow, but just in case I don't, have a safe and happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy your turkey or tofurkey and all the trimmings and enjoy the time that you get to spend with your families and friends. We all have differences and we all communicate differently and we all want different things, but I'm sure you can find one thing that you have in common with your family members that you can talk about and connect with them about. And hey, that's better than sitting there feeling uncomfortable all afternoon, isn't it? So happy turkey day. Make it the best you possibly can.

And thanks to all of you for being in my life, in the strange way that you are, being readers of my journal. I love the fact that you are there. So thank you.

I know it's distasteful to brag, but I really like my new song. I want somebody else to hear it, gosh darn it! But the only one who might listen to it outside of an actual show is the person it was inspired by and that would be kind of weird. For me to just stand there and sing this acapella song, knowing that this person is listening to every word, wondering if this is actually how I feel and so on and so forth. I can't wait for the seventh so somebody else can hear this song.

You know, there are a lot of people out there who are a lot more messed up than I am. Spend one day watching talk shows and you'll see that it is true. But really, even I'll admit that. With all of my faults and little foibles and imperfections, there are a lot of people out there who are a lot more messed up than I am. Maybe it's not so strange to think that other people might like to hang out with one of the less messed up ones. Meaning me.

I wrote a new song this morning. It's kind of an R&B or bluesy thing and thus far, it is acapella. It is definitely not a guitar tune. Maybe a slide electric, but not really. It just needs a beat behind it, I think. And I'm really excited about this song because it is completely unlike anything else I have written. Somebody else will probably hear it and tell me I sound like some existing artist who I've never heard of and that's okay. I like this song. I'm excited to "play" it out sometime in the near future. It kind of captures all of the little hurts and contradictions and makes me feel better about them. Because it is the little hurts that will kill you. And they do and you can let them or you can get them out of your system in one way or another. Hopefully in a manner that is not destructive to yourself or anyone else. Me? I write songs. And write in here. Because the little hurts keep coming and there's nothing you can do about them.

Happy Monday, right?

A blank page, a million words, and none of them feel like coming out. Could I be content today? Imagine that.

Imagine, if you will, a very small critter that is mostly hands and feet. It could just be two hands and two feet, but each hand and each foot is at least twice the size of the little critter's body. Now imagine that this critter lives in your lower abdominal region and once a month puts on it's cleats and spiked gloves and goes romping about on your intestines in a fashion reminiscent of the Broadway smash hit "Stomp!" You might now have some incling of what it is like to be a woman with PMS.

I couldn't stand up this morning. At least not upright. I had to stumble out of bed into my bathroom where I took a handfull of over the counter pain medication pills and went back to bed to wait for them to kick in. About a half an hour later, I was close enough to good that I could take a shower and come in to work, but I'm still crampy. It sucks. Yes, I know this means my body is working the way it is supposed to, but come on. As if the pain of child birth wasn't enough, we have to put up with this, too? Yes, men have a particular region which is very sensitive and if mistreated, can cause them to see stars and pass out. However, that is only if that region is mistreated. Women get this every month, whether or not we want it. Granted, it's not this bad for some women. Hell, it didn't used to be this bad for me. But does that make it right? Does that make it fair? I know, I know, life isn't fair and I just have to deal with it. Fine. But I'm buying stock in the over the counter pain medication company because this is ridiculous.

Okay, time for another list of happy things in my life.

The Spongebob Squarepants movie opens tomorrow. I have never in my life seen an episode of Spongebob Squarepants, but somehow, the idea that he has a movie that is opening tomorrow brings me great amounts of mirth. I'm also glad that I just used the word mirth.

Karoke. Specifically live band karoke. You actually feel like a rock star doing it. And seeing as the band doesn't know a whole boatload of songs (they probably know 75 or 100, but compared to the 6,000 I'm used to seeing at karoke bars, it's a rather limited selection), you have to do songs you might not ordinarily do. And it's so much fun. I think if I go next week, I'll do "Head Like a Hole" by Nine Inch Nails. And it's been really good for my ego lately, too, because I get all kinds of comments and remarks from total strangers who like hearing me sing, even if it's something totally ridiculous like "Lose Yourself" by Eminem. Hell, this random woman bought one of my demo CDs at karoke on Tuesday night because she liked my voice. So yeah, karoke is a good thing for me right now.

Owen. Of course. You knew that was coming. But he's turned into a lap cat now. He's so cute in his routines -- when I get home, he needs some attention in my room, be it play fighting or just some ear scritching. Then later on in the evening, after he's had a nap, he likes to crawl into my lap for some very focused mom-time, including more scritching and sometimes some shiatsu massage. That's the one where you pat the person down with cupped hands, right? I do that to Owen and he loves it. He's such a little freak show, but he's my little freak show and I love him.

I'm part of a theater company. Which means the last show I did and the show I am about to do, I didn't have to audition for. Yay! And I think I get to play my guitar in this upcoming show. Yay! And I may get to just sit on stage and laugh for two minutes in this upcoming show. Yay!

It is once again tofurkey season.

My skin is looking really nice lately. I switched products and I have very soft, even, rosy skin on my face now. The paleness is a little more obvious because a lot of the redness from old acne has gone away, but it's not a deathly pale anymore. It's a porcelain pale and I think it's really pretty.

Green and white teas. I'm drinking so much tea these days, it's really funny. And I think it has shrunk my stomach -- I don't have the appetite that I used to. Which is fine with me. Not the ultimate goal, but a kind of nice side effect.

More and more people are hearing and enjoying my music. We're not talking millions, or even thousands, but we are definitely talking about people I've never met. It's somehow easier to believe a compliment from a total stranger than it is to accept one from someone you're close to -- you know the stranger isn't trying to get anything from you. At least in this kind of a scenario, I find that to be true. The people in my immediate circle of friends could very well just be humoring me, you know, because they are my friends and they love me and want to support me. They could be totally sincere, too, and it's my problem that I can't always tell the difference. But some random person who heard a song of mine because one of their friends played it for them and then contacts me, wanting their own copy of my demo disc -- there's something powerful in the statement that makes. Makes me think I could actually be a musician.

I'm not doing that silly film, which frees me up for other projects.

My honorary brother will be in town next week and I will get to see him and hug him.

I have some really amazing friends who I love very much. I hope they know that.

I got to see my mom twice this week. I love her very much and hope she knows that.

I'm taking next week off of work to just have some "me" time.

I still have a job, so I still have a steady income.

I will have one of my two major debts paid off in five months.

I live in not only a blue state, but a blue county within a blue state.

I might work at Wrigley Field this summer. I totally could if I want to, I just have to decide if I can dedicate the time to it. But how fun would that be to work at Wrigley for a summer?

I will get to see my whole family at Thanksgiving dinner next week. Or at least a boatload of them. I like my family. They are really amazing people.

I once again have a little bit of money in my "rainy day" account. Not a lot, but enough that I will be able to participate in Christmas this year. I've even thought of getting a little tree to put on top of my bookshelves. I've thought about putting up lights in my windows, but as Owen likes to chew on all things electrical, I might not. But it could be fun to have a little tree. Maybe the reason I've resented Christmas so much for the past million years is that I've just chosen not to participate at all. If I build my own, simple little traditions, maybe I can actually enjoy the season.

It's been nice and balmy outside this week. I left one window open for Owen today, and I'm sure that made him happy.

Moby posted again today. He hadn't in a while and I was starting to get concerned. From the sound of it, he took the election pretty hard and I was afraid he was going to stop posting little updates because he had lost hope or something. Turns out, he's taking a little vacation and didn't have interweb access. Theoretically, he's putting out two new albums next year, too, so maybe there will be a tour involved. Please oh please oh please let there be a tour involved. I need to see another Moby show.

The song "Such Great Heights" as done by Iron and Wine. I love covering this song. I have decided that I will sing it to my children to put them to sleep, when I have children. It's so sweet and I feel very sweet when I play it.

I'm making a short, silent film for this girl who works in the coffee shop that I frequent and I feel really good about it. Nothing Oscar worthy, but I think it is going to turn out really well.

So yeah, I needed a little pick me up today. My head has been racing around in circles (most of you know why) as of late and I'm getting tired of all the craziness and uncertainty. So I needed to remember that I have a lot of good things in my life. I do have a lot of good things in my life and I deserve to have a lot of good things in my life and I am thankful for all of the good things in my life. And on that note, I think I'm going to go get some more tea. Enjoy your day!

Maybe I really can do this. How cool would that be?

Happy birthday, theater friend!

Happy birthday, Michigan girl!

And on another positive note, I blew a bunch of blood out of my nose this morning, so at least that's not in there anymore. It is a very bizarre feeling to be plugged up, yet completely dehydrated at the same time. But we all know that I'm weird, so I guess it makes sense, yes? Anyway, happy birthday to my friends. In honor of your joining the planet, I'm going to sing karoke tonight.

Vague unclear entry #97.

This may be one of the hardest but most important things I've ever had to do. I think it is exactly what I have to do. It's something I've talked about doing and needed to do for a very very long time, but it deals with issues I have had for I don't even know how many years. I've talked to various people about it along the way and they all agree that it is an issue that it completely in my head. I think now may be the time to tackle it. And this may be the best situation in which I can tackle it. It's safe and all the cards are out on the table and it is, in it's own way, non-threatening. I know I'm not making any sense. I'm trying to rationalize a completely bizarre situation and this is the best way I can do it. It is finally time for me to reconcile what I know to be true about myself with what other people know to be true about me. And I think maybe we're both right. Doesn't mean I'm not going to freak out still, but I'm going to try very hard not to throw this away without learning everything that I can from it. Sounds so sterile. Feels so...wonderful. Wish me luck.

So I'm not doing the film. I feel like an ass for giving other people so much more work to do when I know they are already stressed beyond belief, but I just couldn't do it. And I feel much better not having to worry about it anymore. I will miss the paycheck I was going to get at the end of it, but it's not about the money. I'll be able to save up for a new guitar soon anyway. This one was about my sanity. I've got too many crazy things all going on at once; I need to be in control of something. So I'm not doing the film. My apologies to the rest of the crew -- you guys are really talented and the only reason the movie is happening at all. I hope I get to work with you someday in another capacity, on another film.

And now I can take some time to just get better. I'm tired of being so stuffed up! It was really bizarre the other morning to wake up with a kind of a hangover, so I felt all dehydrated, but completely congested. How can one's completely dehydrated body produce so much phlegm? The world may never know.

I think every car owner in Chicago was out shopping today. All at the same time. Sweet jebus, you never know road rage until you actually have places to be and you are stuck in line behind seventeen people who are just out for a drive. And stores are completely different, too, when you go in for a purpose and when you go in for fun. I love the fabric store on a normal day, when you can go in and browse and find new, interesting things. You leave feeling like your soul has been energized; you have the excitement of a new project hanging over you. When you go in with a purpose and are behind that person in line, there is nothing you want more than to strangle that person.

And I'd love to write more, but the current biggest pain in my ass is getting bigger by the second so I have to go. I should have quit when I had the chance.

Somehow, Sander Kleinenberg always manages to come to town right when I need him to. Coincidence? I think so.

I'm so excited to see him spin on Saturday. I need a good night out.

When an artist does many shows in the same city over the course of several years, does he/she notice particular fans who come back time and time again? Or are they all just a blur between cities?

I look at my cat and I kind of feel for him. His entire life is these four rooms. That's it. The only time he gets a change of scenery is when I take him to the vet. Sure, he gets to have the windows open in the summer time and that's nice, but the view doesn't change all that much in between the glass and the screen. His entire life, so far, has been these four rooms. He's a pretty good sport about it. But he'll never know the joy that is live band karoke. Or a Thai massage. He'll never get drunk at a party and sleep with another cat. He'll never see the world from the top of the Sears Tower or the Empire State Building. He'll never get his heart broken. But he goes on, day to day, napping in his favorite places, eating the food that is set out for him, chewing on anything plastic within mouth range of the floor. It is, in a way, a sad existence. So in the meantime, I play with him as much as I can. And let him know that I love him and will be heartbroken when he leaves me. I hope that whereever I go in my life, he'll come with me. Largely so he can see more than these four rooms. There is so much more to the world than these four rooms. I hope he gets to see it one day.

I have too much to do and very little desire to do a lot of it. Namely, this film dealie. The other stuff, I'm all good with. If this film would just go away, I'd be much much much much much happier.

I know a lot of you out there think I only get my news from reading Moby's website. This is an incorrect statement, but you're going to believe what you want to believe anyway, and I'm sick and don't want to argue with you. I will ask, though, that you please read this. As if I wasn't feeling shitty enough already...

Okay, so I think I discovered a new drug that is even better than acid. I think I'm going to call it malneuroneium. It is perfectly safe and perfectly legal, too*. Here's how it works.

Get some random person to sneeze on you so you get his/her germs.
Let those germs fester and grow in your own sinus cavity.
Once your mucus production has reached Niagara Falls proportions, lie down on your bed.
Send your cat into the other room to eat everything except his food.
Try to fall asleep.
Get up every two hours to yell at your cat.
Hit yourself in the face with a good, solid, hardcover book to try to knock the hurting sensation out of your sinuses.
Do not blow your nose! Let the snot drip down the back of your throat until swallowing becomes more painful than an Adam Sandler movie.
Do not speak to another actual human being for two days.
Now create!

Or at the very least, talk to people. You'll be amazed at how suddenly witty you have become, and how random your metaphors come out. And the best part? You don't crash like you do with artificial substances. And the trip lasts for days. Safe, easy, effective, and you actually remember everything you created when you go on a malnueroneium trip. The non-drug of the future!

*For the record, I am not an advocate of drug usage, legal or not. I know some of you out there are going to do them anyway and I just ask that you be careful when you do so. But in all honesty, the human body is a very finely tuned machine with amazing potential and I think it's really fun to see what your body can do when it isn't artifically altered. But that's just me. So be careful in your experimentation. And someday, maybe a complete detox will be your experiment and you'll see what I'm talking about.

It's irritating because at the same time it is the most flattering, complete and total acceptance of me, exactly as I am and exactly who I am, it is also the ultimate rejection of what I am based on something I have no control over. So do I revel in the acceptance, or withdraw because the rejection hurts? I can't be the only one who gets myself into things like this. Or can I be? We've all decided that a lot of strage things happen to me...

On another note, my burn injury is peeling off and beginning to heal. It feels and looks just like my skin got uber dried out and is peeling off. The skin underneath is soft and pink and beautiful. No permanent scarring. If only everything healed so perfectly.

At what point does one have enough fans that one is forced to "be" a musician? To use that label. To dedicate one's life to making music. To make a real CD and tour with it. Twenty? Fifty thousand?

I'm still floored that people like my music. Honestly, I'm floored. I grew up thinking I had a terrible singing voice and I know my guitar skills are rudimentary at best. My mom taught me a few chords here and there, and I've picked up a few more elsewhere and I just screw around with it until I like what I'm hearing. And then I put some simple little words with it and call it a song. So how is it that I got two more requests for demo CDs from absolute strangers today? What is it about my little tunes that appeals to people? It can't be my voice, right? It can't be my amazing guitar skills. It must be my words. I have always been good at writing.

Sorry. In case you couldn't tell, I'm having kind of a down day today. Not sure why. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about this upcoming film and very confused about my personal life, such as it is. And I haven't written anything new in a long time, so I'm feeling not quite so musician-y as of late. And then someone asks me for a demo CD because he or she found one of my songs on some music trading website and wants to hear more, or something like that. It is so bizarre. My music is reaching people I would never have touched otherwise and it is touching them. I did that. Something I created is moving other people. I feel so lucky. A fortunate cookie, just like my mom. But it's still going to take me a while to get used to the praise. I'm waiting for someone to tell me I suck, you know? I know not everyone is going to like my stuff. I'm waiting until I hit that critical mass of people that at least one of them has to vehemently dislike what I have to offer. I know those people are out there. I guess I'm looking for a little balance, is all. Too much positive makes Kitty nervous. How wrong is that?

Is it wrong to enter into a situation you know will only hurt you in the end? Is it a sign of weakness to not be able to walk away? Or is it a sign of strength to stick it out and see what you can learn from it? I honestly don't know.

So the film that I thought was never going to happen is going to happen and I have a lot of work to do and I'm kind of freaked out about it but I know I can do it but I don't want to do it today because my throat hurts and I want to just sit around and eat soup. Yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say today. Go eat soup.

I can't talk about politics anymore. I can't think about politics anymore. I'm done with it, at least for now. I want my life of ignorance back. I want to be like all of the people in the red states.

Okay, that was a bit much. But you get the point.

I'm going to talk about tea. I've been drinking a lot of it as of late. Recently, I found this lovely green/white/mint/somethingelseIcan'tspell blend that is really yummy. But the interesting part, I think, is that all of this tea seems to be shrinking my stomach. You've gotten the spam messages from various places saying "Shed pounds the Asian way!" that are advertising weight loss supplements with green tea in them, yes? Well, I guess it is true.

DISCLAIMER: I did not start drinking tea in order to lose weight. I started drinking tea because I wanted a warm beverage during the cold winter months. I am not interested in dieting or diet tips or exercise tips. I love you for wanting to send them to me, but I'm not interested. Thanks anyway.

I'm serious. I can't eat as much as I used to, and I think it has something to do with the tea. And my pants are getting to be a smidge loose on me, which is kind of a nice feeling. Better than them being too tight, which is a bad feeling. I like good feelings.

So anyway, just an observation. I like my teas and all of the happy antioxidants they pump into my body. And look! The sun is shining for the first time all week. I missed the sun. As much as I don't like getting burnt by it, it is nice to have the sun pop out and say hello. Makes things seem less dreary than they have for the past four days. But I'm not talking politics anymore, so I'm going to stop now before that thought takes on a life of it's own. Yay tea!

All those of you depressed about the outcome of the election -- go do live band karoke. There is nothing quite like it. You will feel better, I guarantee it. Music is healing and soothing. Nothing feels better than making music with other people, even if you are tone deaf and have no rhythm. Go make music. You will feel better.

And speaking of music, I've gotten some odd music-related compliments lately that I feel compelled to share.

Someone said I'm like Kurt Cobain, in that my music is interesting and innovative. I'm wondering if it means I have to stop bathing.

Someone said my version of a particular Liz Phair song is better than the original Liz Phair version. I don't know that I agree, but whether or not I do, that is one hefty compliment. He then went on to say he thinks I should get a record deal based on that song alone.

And after singing "Son of a Preacher Man" at live band karoke tonight, the bartender (who is a friend of mine, which is a good thing because if he wasn't, this compliment would be totally inappropriate) told me that his dick moved a little because my voice is so sexy. I got up again later and did "Pride" by U2 and both he and the host of live band karoke agreed that it was the best rendition of that song they have ever heard at live band karoke.

So after feeling like total ass because of the election and like a total ass because of a conversation with a friend earlier in the evening, I feel great. Live band karoke. It's the way to go if you are depressed. Oh! And drink while you are doing it. It so enhances the experience.

If you look at Moby's entries from yesterday, he ends one of them by saying, "If anyone needs us, my friends and I will be drunk for the next four years." That made me cry. I love you, Moby. Hang in there, hon.

The thing is, I don't want to have to leave my country. I love America. I love what America is supposed to stand for -- freedom and democracy and equality. I believe in all of those things and am thankful every day that I live in a country where I can hold a job and live in my own apartment and spew drivel onto the internet that anybody who wants to can read. This is my home. My family is here. My friends are here. My heart is here. I love Chicago. The skyline brings me so much joy. This city has been really good to me. I love my neighborhood. I love my country. But I don't know that I can be here for the next four years and watch my country disintegrate. I can't watch all of our personal freedoms go out the window in the name of "security," which we are sorely lacking. I can't watch as our elderly are left to fend for themselves because their social security blanket was spent on a "very successful military operation" that ended a year and a half ago, yet is still resulting in the deaths of hundreds of people every day. I can't watch as my friends continue to lose their jobs.

I know at least one of you is probably going to send me an e-mail saying that things in America have been much worse in the past. Okay, fine. But they are not good now and I don't see them getting any better and that bothers me. You can chalk it up to me being a woman or me being a hippie or whatever you want to chalk it up to. This is how I feel. And I have just as much right to talk about how I feel as any of the rest of you. I feel like I'm watching the Cubs lose again, except this time it was actually important that they win.

I do take some comfort in the fact that Illinois voted for Kerry. I do take some comfort in Obama's election to the Senate. And I do take some comfort in the fact that it was a very close race and Kerry's concession before 270 electoral votes were achieved on either side kind of means that once again, Bush didn't really "win," but that's just a technicality that will help me not lose all faith in humanity. And I guess there is some strength to be found in the ability to tough out the hard times and stick with your country through thick and thin. I'm ready for some thick, though. Can we just fast forward through the next four years and start cleaning up the mess Bush will leave behind?

Thank you, Mr. Kerry, for not dragging this out. I wish things had turned out differently. Thank you, also, to all of you who were out campaigning for Mr. Kerry. You fought a good fight.

Fuck.

I voted today. Did you?

I'd never voted before, so I didn't know what to expect. I showed up with my voter registration card, my driver's license, my passport, and a little flyer thingy that some guy gave me outside detailing who the Democratic candidates are. I signed my name in a little box, they compared it to the signature they had on file, and handed me my ballot. I waited a couple of minutes for a voting booth to open up; it didn't take long. I was happy to see so many people there first thing in the morning, though. It was by no means swamped, but there were people at every voting booth, people in line to get their ballots, and people in line to turn in their ballots. People in suits, ready to go to work. People in sweats starting their morning errands with a trip to the polls. A guy in a leather jacket and bandana who would probably never be up this early unless he absolutely had to be, but out there to make his voice heard. Little old ladies who probably won't leave the house again until Thursday. It made me happy that we were all there and that we each had an equal opportunity to cast our votes. I've been getting a lot of emails as of late, telling me what to do in case I was denied the right to vote and frankly, they had me a smidge worried. But I was able to vote with no fuss, as was everyone else at my polling place. It was nice to see our electoral process working the way it should be in at least one place, you know?

And I felt empowered afterwards. I don't know how much my vote for President will actually count, as Illinois is typically a Democratic state, but I cast it just the same. Voter apathy is what loses elections. And I'm sure my dad's vote will cancel mine out, but I cast it just the same. For the first time in my life, I felt it was important enough to stand up and let my voice be heard, so I did. Regardless of the outcome of the election, I did my part and I am proud of myself for that.

No matter who you are voting for today, please make sure you get out to the polls and let your voice be heard.

Okay, quick recap of the last four years.

1.5 million jobs lost
Millions of people without healthcare
War started under false pretenses, costing billions of dollars and thousands of lives
Largest budgetary defecit in American history
Educational funding cut
Social Security system on the outs
Some of the worst grammatical errors committed by a public speaker in decades

And so on and so forth. Do you really want four more years of this?

Please go vote tomorrow. I'm not going to tell you how you should vote, because you have every right to vote either for change or for four more years of the same. But I am asking you to please go to the polls tomorrow and let your voice be heard.

Happy Halloween!

I know, I'm a couple of hours late, but that's because I was out doing my last performance of the first non-Floss! show I have done with my theater company. And new people have been inducted into the company since I have become a member, so I'm no longer one of the new kids. I feel like a bona fide member. It's kind of cool. I'm still not sure if it is where I belong, but I know it is somewhere I can place my energy and have it be accepted.

The women in my family had a sort of women's reunion last weekend that I didn't go to because I was focused on my theatrical career. In retrospect, I wish I had gone, for many reasons, but as my mom was telling me about the weekend, I wish I had been there because it was what my family gatherings always are -- a place where you can bring anything and everything that you have to give and you can give it and it will be embraced and accepted and you will get back so much more than you can ever imagine. And the weekend was a celebration of being female. Of being a woman. I need to forgive myself for being a woman. I need to celebrate my feminity, in some way or another. Or maybe I first need to work on not resenting the fact that I am a woman. Because really, it is an incredible thing to be a woman. Now, more than ever, being a woman is a beautiful thing, and there are a lot of us out there who don't know it. Or don't appreciate it as much as we could. I find myself wishing daily that I wasn't a woman, or at the very least that my gender was a non-issue. Life would be so much easier if gender was a non-issue and I wish it wasn't so.


Fuck.

I shouldn't post when I've been drinking, or when I'm listening to Colin Hay, both of which are factors in this post and I apologize for that. I have a lot of things that I want to say, but I would rather say them in person to the persons that they need to be said. I hope I say those things enough. I hope I don't say them to the point of being obnoxious. I hope you know what you mean to me and that I am thankful every day that you are a part of my life. I hope you know how much joy you bring into my life. I hope it is okay that I tell you that. Thank you for putting up with me and for loving me anyway.

That was a lot deeper than I wanted this pseudo-Halloween post to be. I can't help that, but I apologize for it. It's a little overwhelming to be the recipient of a lot of positive energy. I feel like I need to pump a lot of it back into the universe. Thank you. And I love you for being a part of my life. And I'm stopping now because I'm boring when I'm happy. Stupidfey November. Now it's going to get all cold and snowy and I'll be miserable for the next six months bitching about the cold. But I'll be entertaining and non-sappy, so it's not all bad.