I love days like today. It's kind of rainy and gloomy, but the energy is whipping about in the air like electricity. You can honestly feel it. It's in the wind and the air and even the drizzle coming down seems to have purpose. They're all letting us know that something exciting is coming up. In my experience, this happens just about every October, right around Halloween, and nothing exciting really does ever happen, though it always feels like it will. (Wait, that's a lie. It was just a year ago that I was completely freaked out, waiting for a phone call. I know that's not going to happen again. What old demon is going to resurface this year? Which reminds me that I've been meaning to tell you for a while that I have righted the big wrong in my life. I can't tell you how incredible it felt to be able to apologize and to have him actually listen. To be able to say hello and give him a hug now without worry. To let him know how truly, deeply sorry I am, and that I know the full extent of what I did and how wrong it was. If you get the opportunity to apologize to someone for a past wrong, take it. It is good for you and good for them. Just a simple, "I'm sorry" can work wonders. Anyway, back to the electricity in the air.) Maybe it is my own excitement about Halloween, or maybe it's an actual phenomenon, who knows? But I love it.

And to top it all off, I'm drinking my Buddha Amache tea that I brought back from Holland and I'm wearing my Holland pants which, if I'm allowed to say this, make my ass look great. I'm feeling good today. Energized and apprehensive, but good. Is it wrong to be apprehensive? Am I being silly? Is it wrong to want to steel myself against future hurts? Should I stop overanalyzing and just go with it and worry about it all later, as it happens? Fuck. My ass looks great and I'm drinking the best tea in the world and the wind is talking to me. Today is a good day. I'll worry about the shit later.

I have to take a quick moment to give a shout out to the mutha phuckin' Toast Tites, too. If I'm going to talk about the mutha phuckin' Red Sox, I gotta talk about mutha phuckin' Toast Tites and the bald guy who makes 'em really toasty, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Mutha phuckin' Toast Tites!

Okay, I'm done being gangsta. For today.

Mutha phuckin' Red Sox! You can't help but be excited for them. Well, I can't help but be excited for them. An 84 year losing streak is over. That's really wonderful. And they beat the Cardinals. That's really wonderful. And they beat the Cardinals in four straight games. That is so beyond wonderful I can't even tell you.

Will I follow the Sox season next year? Not religiously. Maybe periferally. I'm a Cubs fan. I will follow my Cubbies to the end of the earth and if it ever comes down to the Cubs vs. the Red Sox in the World Series, I will hate the Sox vehemently if they even think about scoring a run. But today, I am happy for the Sox. And I'm happy to be cheering for a winning team. And I'm happy because I carved a pumpkin last night that looks like Strong Bad and I put this creepy, color-changing light in it and it rocked. I don't even remember the last time I carved a pumpkin. It's really fun, once you get past the incredible ick that is the interior of a pumpkin.

And yeah. I'm boring today. Sorry about that. I'm going to drink my third cup of tea of the morning and do some *gasp* work and yeah. I just wanted to say congratulations to the Red Sox for winning the World Series in four straight games. That is impressive in any year, and particularly special now that the underdogs have come out on top. Congratulations, Boston.

This is just plain wrong. Genetically modified cats that won't irritate people's allergies? Am I the only one horrified by this?

Yes, I think it is sad that 10% of the American population can't have cats for pets because they are allergic to them. Cats are wonderful, beautiful animals and I love my cat more than anything. But to breed them especially for people who are allergic in such a way that they won't irritate said person's allergies? How selfish is that? They have already said that these cats will be spade and neutered so they can't breed with "normal" cats, but come on. Let's rob this cat of it's catness in as many ways as we can so that a human can enjoy it's non-cat company.

A genetically modified cat would still be a cat. It would still be loving and sweet and a great addition to anyone's life. But it seem particularly cruel to the cats. How many people will invest in one of these cats so that their friends can come over, even though they themselves may not be allergic? Will "normal" domestic cats be phased out as pets entirely? What will happen to the population of "normal" cats? Granted, hypo-allergenic cats are really expensive and won't hit the market place until 2007. But it still makes me really sad. Not everything in life needs to be redesigned so as to make it convenient for humans. Leave the cats alone. There are millions of people out there already, willing to take medication or live in discomfort for the sake of having a cat. Don't mess with the cats, please. If you're allergic and don't want to take medication, don't get a cat. Leave the cats out of it.

One more, guys, just one more. You gotta win tonight and shut out the Cardinals. Sweep 'em all the way back to St. Louis. From St. Louis. Um, you know what I mean.

So everyone is wondering, if Boston wins the World Series, will the Cubs win it next year? Me? I'm wondering if Boston takes the World Series, will Boston also win the White House?

Oh yeah, don't forget to vote on Tuesday. This one is important.

One relationship sorted out, kind of, and I feel infinitely better. I can't even begin to tell you the weight that lifted off my chest, because this was an important one to me. As much as I don't want to admit it, it is. I like this person quite a bit and the thought of things changing between us...I hardly ate yesterday because I just felt sick about the thought of losing him. Shit. There goes my girl/dork flag. Thank you, Bostonian Guy Friend for the cyber hug -- I'm still going to need a real one when I see you in a couple of weeks, but your timing was perfect. *smooch*

Now to get the rest of them sorted out. Time to get the rest of my life sorted out. Make the decisions that I need to make. Pursue the things I need to pursue. Get my ass in gear and get out there.

I have to share this tidbit -- another Chicago musician found my MySpace Music site and really liked the songs I have posted up there. We chatted a bit. Now he has a gig coming up in December and he asked if I'd open for him. I know it's a small step -- a little thing. But it is so beyond flattering, I can't even tell you. It is at a well respected venue for the kind of music I play, and I'm guessing there will be a pretty good crowd, or at the very least, there will be people there who have never heard me play before who might be receptive to hearing some new stuff. I'll send you all more information once it is all confirmed and stuff. But yeah, I thought that was pretty cool -- to be invited to open for someone who I haven't even met yet. I guess I write some pretty good tunes. Yay me.

First off, YAY RED SOX!!!

Okay, moving on.

Most people think of springtime as a time of cleanising and renewal. The time of year to empty out your closets and shed your winter coats and things. I, however, being the complete and total oddball that I am always feel the need to do a cleansing in the fall. Like, now. Time to clean out my closets. Time to scrub my floors. Time to reexamine where I am in my life and how far away that is from where I want to be and to make some changes to bring myself back on track. Time to look at the relationships in my life and see which ones are beneficial and which ones are detrimental. Honestly, I feel like I'm stuck in several detrimental relationships right now and I need to do something about that. They are never easy conversations to have, but they are always necessary.

And I think above all, I need to devote some time to forgiving myself. I've been neglecting myself quite a bit as of late -- letting feelings go unchecked, pumping out negativity, overlooking the basic things that I need in order to stay functional, like a good, healthy serving of vegetables every day. Tomatoes. I miss my tomatoes. Tomatoes just somehow make everything better and it's been a while since I had one. I bought myself two little shaker thingies to bring to my gig yesterday, thinking that I could say to the audience that if they were so inclined, they could pick one up and add to the music because music is so much better when it is shared. But everyone at the gig was kind of doing their own thing -- I was very much background music, so my shakers were not used. But I bring this up because one of the shakers is a plum and the other is a tomato. When I went into the store, I was thinking, "Please let there still be a tomato shaker" and there was. I think I might have cried if it wasn't there and I had to get a squash instead. But thankfully, the tomato was there and now it is perched atop my bookcase, waiting for it's chance to shine.

But I need to retreat for a day or two. Have a good cry. Look myself dead in the eyes and work through some of this stuff. Bring myself back to my happy, asexual, not caring if everyone just tolerates my existence state. I've been very resentful of the fact that I am female for all of the emotional crap that comes along with having the amazing second X chromosome. I need to stop being resentful. I need to stop hurting the people I care about, including myself. I need a day off.

If I can, I would like to start by apologizing to all of you. I know I've hurt some feelings along the way, whether intentional or no. There have been things said that were misinterpreted or misdirected that have caused rifts in some of our relationships. I'm sorry about that. They were misinterpretations. That's all I can say, really. But I'm sorry. I take responsibility for those things and apologize for them and let's move on now, shall we? Holding onto that crap only makes it worse.

I need a day off.

And once again I'm tired. In so many senses of the word, I can't even begin to explain half of them. I will someday, when it has all died down, but not right now.

And once again, the memo didn't make it all the way around major league baseball. The Cardinals were supposed to lose last night. If I was a Houston fan, I would hate the Cardinals with as much vehemence as I hate the Marlins. Or as I hate the Cardinals. A Boston/St. Louis series? Who wants to see that? I do, but only if Boston takes it in four. I want to see the Cardinals crushed and humiliated. Stupidfey Cardinals. Spoiling everything. Sheesh. Go Red Sox!

So not doing my show for three days really took its toll last night. First of all, we had an audience. Not a great audience, not a good audience, but an audience. As in, a few people showed up, paid, watched, and left. That's about it. Which I guess made me try a little harder to get something out of them. Meaning in the scene where I get beat up, I fell too hard to my knees and then hit my head on the stage when I got kicked in the stomach. I've got a lovely bruise on my left knee now, which was already feeling kind of ooky. And then in the cannibalism scene, or actually right before the cannibalism scene, I whacked my knuckle on something, ripping off several layers of skin and creating a nice bead of blood on the back of my hand. Fortunately for the cannibalism scene, I'm eating a bloody hand then anyway, so I was able to sort of tend to my wound in a really sick and twisted way. But it hurt, gosh darn it.

On the up side, our pace was really good and my one friend (who has never seen me perform before) enjoyed the show, so that's a good thing. Here's hoping my body holds out for the rest of the run.

And the Red Sox won and there was much rejoicing.

Yay.

Congrats to Boston for finally beating the Damn Yankees. You do realize, of course, that this now secures the Cubs rights as the only team allowed to bitch about a dry spell next year.

Bless me, Dusty, for I have sinned. It has been a really long time since my last confession.

I have cheered for the Red Sox. I am not from Boston, though I have visited a couple of times and at least one of my very favorite people in the whole world currently resides in Boston, but my heart has always belonged to and will always belong to the Cubs. Chicago is my home. The Cubs are my team. But lately, despite the fact that the Cubs did not make it to post season play this year, I have found myself getting a little bit excited when I see a Yankee/Red Sox game on television. Even more excited when I see that Boston is winning. Is it possible to split one's affections between two teams if each is from a different city and in a different league?

Hail, Cubbies, full of hope, our dreams are with you
Blessed are you among baseball teams, and blessed are the fruits of your bats
Triumphant Cubbies, beloved of the nation, play for us fans, now and in the post season

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

After I graduated from college, I lived with my mom in this funky little house on the north side of Chicago. It really was an odd little house. The only house on our street, really, it was located between a preschool and a used car/mechanic lot. We had a stop light in our front yard, too. I used to tell my friends that if they were coming down that one street and went straight through the light instead of turning, they'd end up in my front yard because really, driving along, this was the last place you would expect to find a house.

This house was about 100 years old and had just about the worst insulation ever. In the summer, it was hot as hell in there. In the winter, it was cold as...hell. Is hell hot or cold? I've heard both, but I don't think it has ever really been decided which one it is. For me, I bet hell is cold just because there is very little I dislike more than being cold. And it was cold in that house in the winter. You could practically feel the wind ripping through the walls. We'd crank the heat and put that plastic stuff over the windows and it was still freezing in there. And, of course, I'm cold all of the time anyway, so it was particularly miserable for me. Not that it was miserable living with my mother -- I loved living with her. We made great roommates. But it was cold and I hated it.

There was, however, a heating vent right next to the toilet in the bathroom, so when you went to use the toilet, your right leg would get nice and toasty. I loved it. Sometimes, I would spend time in the bathroom, just to be near that vent. I love being toasty.

The radiator in our bathroom here at work is the hardest working radiator I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Our bathroom is not particularly large, but it is beyond toasty. It is almost sauna-like in there, but without the humidity. I love it. My little toaster oven of an office can't hold a candle to the warm joy that is our bathroom. I was just in there and it reminded of my days in that strange little house. It was eventually torn down so they could build a police station. It's weird to drive past there now. But I think I will always have a soft spot for pleasantly toasty bathrooms because of that house. Mmm...toasty...

Admittedly, I did not get to watch the Presidential debates, nor the Vice-Presidential debate. I had other commitments at those times. I am, however, reading the transcripts. It's interesting to read the transcripts when so many people are commenting on pouty faces that were made or the general demeanor of the participants -- I have gotten to experience none of that. I found something, though, that pretty much sums up everything I've been saying all along about Senator Kerry, and I would like to share it here with you:

"DEGENHART: Senator Kerry, suppose you are speaking with a voter who believed abortion is murder and the voter asked for reassurance that his or her tax dollars would not go to support abortion, what would you say to that person?

KERRY: I would say to that person exactly what I will say to you right now.

First of all, I cannot tell you how deeply I respect the belief about life and when it begins. I'm a Catholic, raised a Catholic. I was an altar boy. Religion has been a huge part of my life. It helped lead me through a war, leads me today.

But I can't take what is an article of faith for me and legislate it for someone who doesn't share that article of faith, whether they be agnostic, atheist, Jew, Protestant, whatever. I can't do that.

But I can counsel people. I can talk reasonably about life and about responsibility. I can talk to people, as my wife Teresa does, about making other choices, and about abstinence, and about all these other things that we ought to do as a responsible society.

But as a president, I have to represent all the people in the nation. And I have to make that judgment.

Now, I believe that you can take that position and not be pro- abortion, but you have to afford people their constitutional rights. And that means being smart about allowing people to be fully educated, to know what their options are in life, and making certain that you don't deny a poor person the right to be able to have whatever the constitution affords them if they can't afford it otherwise.

That's why I think it's important. That's why I think it's important for the United States, for instance, not to have this rigid ideological restriction on helping families around the world to be able to make a smart decision about family planning. 

You'll help prevent AIDS. 

You'll help prevent unwanted children, unwanted pregnancies. 

You'll actually do a better job, I think, of passing on the moral responsibility that is expressed in your question. And I truly respect it.

...KERRY: Well, again, the president just said, categorically, my opponent is against this, my opponent is against that. You know, it's just not that simple. No, I'm not. 

I'm against the partial-birth abortion, but you've got to have an exception for the life of the mother and the health of the mother under the strictest test of bodily injury to the mother.

Secondly, with respect to parental notification, I'm not going to require a 16-or 17-year-old kid who's been raped by her father and who's pregnant to have to notify her father. So you got to have a judicial intervention. And because they didn't have a judicial intervention where she could go somewhere and get help, I voted against it. It's never quite as simple as the president wants you to believe."

I'm not putting this here to illustrate Mr. Kerry's stance on abortion and say that it is this issue that is the deciding factor for me as to who I am going to vote for. I am posting this here because it illustrates Mr. Kerry's understanding of what his job will be. He will be a representative of this entire nation. He will be representative of one of the most diverse nations in the world. He will be a representative of all of us, not just of those who think like him. Look at his answers -- he says, "...you've got to have an exception...It's never quite as simple as the president wants you to believe." How many times have I said that exact same thing? I like the idea of having a man in office who tries to look at things from more than one angle. I like the idea of having a man in office who listens to what the American people are saying -- all of them, not just the ones he chooses to golf with. I the idea of having a man in office who will vote down a bill if there is one clause in it that he doesn't agree with. I like the idea of having a man in office who doesn't reduce every issue to a simple black and white, right and wrong, but who will examine the entire issue and act accordingly.

Frankly, from reading the two debates that I have read thus far, I don't really like either candidate. They read much more like infantile pissing contests than presidential debates. But then I found this answer from Mr. Kerry and I have to respect it. And I have to respect him for thinking that way. And given the alternative, I have to vote for him.

I love the fall. The colors, the smells, the crisp, cool air, the holidays (not the winter holidays, the fall ones like Halloween and Columbus Day), the rich foods, the warmth. It is days like today that get me thinking about how blessed I am to live where I live and be able to afford the lifestyle I have, simple as it may be. And it is days like today that get me thinking that if I'm paying this much in rent and heat is included, they should be cranking the heat up to about 70 degrees today. It's cold outside! It's cold in my apartment! It's the end of October, for crying out loud. They turned the heat on for about an hour on Saturday and my apartment was nice and toasty for a little while. It has not been on since and my apartment is getting downright chilly. Same with my office. I'm sitting in front of a space heater today because I don't think it was any warmer in my office this morning than it is outside. Good thing I brought soup for lunch today, or I'd never make it.

I hope that wherever you are, you feel the wonderful fall warmth not only in your heart and soul, but also in the temperature of the room you are occupying.

Baby powder smells really good.

Baby powder tastes really bad.

Baby powder dries out your mouth for days on end.

To sum up, do not eat baby powder.

Thank you.

And now I'm going to talk about food for a minute. That's right, I'm going to be a completely unabashed vegan and sing the praises of the wonderful thing that is a vegan diet.

I went to this restaurant last night with my mother that says in really big letters on the front awning "Healthy Korean Vegan Cuisine." This is my new favorite restaurant. The menu has a sense of humor. The plates that they bring out with the appetizers are heart-shaped. The chopsticks are metal. The chef, Chef Dave, is also the waiter and he is one of the sweetest men I've met. So darling. So friendly. And such an amazing chef! The portion sizes were huge and both my mother and I were more than satisfied with everything we tried. So many flavors and colors and textures. And so many of the vegetables used were vegetables that just make you feel like you did something good for your body. You know what I'm talking about? There are certain foods that you can eat that make you feel like you just gave your innerds a hug. You feel all warm and happy inside, like you can feel the nutrients rushing to your organs and your organs respond by saying, "Sweet!" and then they kick in and work extra hard so your whole body feels alive and like it is functioning exactly as it should be. That's the kind of meal I had last night. And true, part of it might have been that I had fabulous company and conversation that inspired dendritic growth, but I gotta give props to Chef Dave for his amazing creations. I'm almost afraid to tell other people about this place because then it will get overly crowded, but by the same token, they deserve it. What the hell. It's called Amitabul and it's on Milwaukee Avenue near Devon in Chicago. So yummy. So friendly. So good for you. I think I may have to go back and take some cooking classes there.

I have also, just recently, discovered the joy that is chai tea. I'd never had chai tea before, until about a week ago. I had a chai soy latte (sweet Jebus, am I turning into a yuppie?) and fell in love. It's like drinking straight nutmeg. And with the soy milk, I'm getting some of my daily protein, too. I'm having some this morning with rice milk (also a new experiment for me) and it's okay, but I have yet to perfect the skill that is making a chai rice milk latte. Without a cappuchino maker. But still, the nutmeggy flavor...I love fall foods. The heartiness of them. The healing, soothing feeling they create in your stomach as you digest. Hearty soups and fresh breads and warm cookies from the oven. And then to know that the stuff you are eating is good for you and not harmful to anyone or anything else...I love being a vegan.

I've been dreaming about vampires a lot lately. Like I'm Buffy and they are chasing me and I know I have to kill them, but I'd rather just run away from it and not have to kill them because I know I don't know how. In my dream last night, I had this really crappy stake that more than anything was just a splinter-producing wood chip and I was running around after a while hitting everyone I knew with it. Most of them were okay, but a vampire or two did disintegrate from my group.

The sad part is that according to several online dream dictionaries, dreaming about vampires is not necessarily a good thing. It could mean that I feel physically or emotionally drained (which I kind of do), or that I know that deep down inside, someone I am drawn to is bad for me. Given everything that has been going on lately, it could also just be a time of year thing. Because the thought of this person being bad for me makes me really sad. I guess part of me knows it, but part of me wants to see what will happen anyway. And in all truth, this person makes me really happy during my waking hours. Maybe I'm thinking these dreams are indicative of the wrong person. Or maybe I'm putting too much faith in my dreams all together. It's just odd for me to have dreams about the same thing three or four nights in a row. Eh. Now that I have an hour here and an hour there to myself, maybe it's time to do some examining of my relationships and figure out which ones are toxic.

You know, it's not like I've ever found this job interesting or exciting or I've ever really enjoyed being here, but this is ridiculous. No, I don't want to be here. No, I'm not ready to leave today. I wanted to be out of debt first. I wanted to have a contingency plan. I want to at least have a schedule that is sort of clear enough that I can apply for other jobs. And the way the whole thing is being handled -- talk about feeling worthless. Yes, I have felt useless and worthless here for years, but this is worse than normal because nobody will talk to us. Nobody will tell us what is going on. I hope they do fire me so I can tell them exactly what a shitty job they are doing. How do you come into work every day knowing that this could be your last day in your office, or it could not be your last day in your office? It's like fucking Chinese water torture. Is it worth continuing this project? Is it worth starting this one? Is it worth filing everything that's on your desk, or will it just have to be shredded in ten minutes anyway? If they would just fire me, I'd know. I could set out a course of action. To be stuck in limbo is the worst possible place to be and I've been here long enough. Which says I could just up and leave of my own volition. Which also scares the shit out of me. Fuck. This was not handled at all well.

Maybe the whole point of interpersonal relationships is that they are not supposed to make sense or be easy, because if they were, we'd get bored with them and/or take them for granted. Maybe this is my lesson to learn in this life -- that it really doesn't make sense and you just kind of have to go on faith. Or maybe I'm a crackpot who is trying to justify a screwy situation. I dunno. I'd rather think of it in the former sense, as opposed to the latter. Maybe that will be my lesson next time around -- to learn to be a crackpot. Or how to use a crockpot.

I watched Super Size Me today. It's an interesting commentary and I think it is very well done. I would very much recommend seeing it. The strange thing for me, though, was looking at so much McDonald's food. That doesn't even look like food to me anymore. I felt kind of sick when the film was over, almost like I had consumed that much grease. Granted, I'm not perfect in my eating habits -- I probably eat more sugar than I should -- but all that fat and cholesterol? Ugh. It just kind of made me ill.

But yeah, go see this film, or rent it or whatever. It is very interesting to see what that diet did to him, and also interesting how many times the one doctor talks about the effects of a high fat diet. I'd like the Atkins diet followers to get the same blood tests and stuff that the guy in the film did, just for shits and grins, you know? Anyway. Yeah, go see it.

I'm nervous.

I don't know if it is opening night jitters or in anticipation of tomorrow. I'm so tempted to back out just because I'm scared. I'll go, I'll do a great job, and I won't get it and I'll be horribly disappointed. I'm not trying to be self-deprecating here; I'm beng realistic. I've been to auditions like this before and I never get them. I am talented, but so are a million other people, you know? It's nothing personal, it's not a slight against me, it's just the way things go. I don't get these kinds of jobs. But then again, maybe I'm due. I don't know if that is a more frightening prospect or not. Either way, I'm all kinds of nervous. I hope it translates well onto the stage tonight. The nervous energy, that is. And then I hope I can actually get some sleep so I don't suck tomorrow.

You know what? If I don't go, I won't get it. If I do go, I might get it, but probably not. It is that "might" that will make me go. Because either way, I won't get it, but if I don't try, I'll only have myself to blame. Vivir con miedo es como vivir a medias, si?

The internet is a really strange thing. Really strange. And I'll tell you why.

There is a website where you can go and listen to four of my songs. It didn't cost me anything to put my four little songs up there, but they're there and anybody who wants to listen to them can. Simple as that. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that people actually do listen to them. And like them. People who I don't know. People just stumble upon this site, have a listen, and send me a note saying they really like my tunes. I've had requests for CDs, requests for a fan site with pictures and stuff...it's bizarre. It's like a little taste of fame. And the really strange part is, I'm still me. I have a band-aid on my finger because my cuticle ripped yesterday and it hurt. And I get messages from people saying I'm the best and I'm their hero and so on and so forth. And I go home and make a mental note of the fact that I need to clean my bathroom sink. It's so bizarre.

I don't think I'll ever be one of those people who abuses her celebrity, assuming I actually become one. The coffee shop where I play likes to give me free tea. I feel bad taking it. I make them charge me for my beverages. Because the way I see it, I'm a person just like anybody else. They are a business that depends on their customers paying for goods and services. I am requesting a service and some goods, so I should pay for it like anyone else. And the one girl who works there feels bad charging me. I don't get it. I'm fantastically flattered, but I still think it's kind of funny.

So yeah, thanks to the internet, this brilliant invention, I have gotten my music out there to total strangers who like it. Someone even said my music is therapeutic. My music. The simple little songs I wrote in my living room that I didn't think anyone would ever hear have touched absolute strangers, thanks to this marvelous invention called the internet. It is so strange.

And now I have to go home and wash the dishes. I've been neglecting my household duties because I've been so busy lately. And while I'm washing my dishes, someone I've never met will be sitting at home or driving in his/her car listening to music that I wrote and wondering what my life is like. I'm not alone in thinking that is bizarre, am I?

So tonight is preview night and for the first time probably since the beginning of the rehearsal period, I felt good about my performance last night. Not great, but good. Not terrible. And looking at the other scenes, I think they look pretty good. I did a decent job with costumes. Not spectacular, but decent. Everyone is dressed at least. It was frustrating for me to put clothes on 13 people in about ten different short pieces with about three weeks to do it because I couldn't come up with a real design scheme or anything. In most cases, it came down to what fit who. But I looked at it again last night and it looks pretty good. Not spectacular, but pretty good. I'm not proud, but I'm satisfied, if that makes any sense. And now I'm rambling, so I'm going to stop. One of these days, I'll get some sleep and I'll be more coherent.

So I am under so much stress right now, my skin is taking it's cues from Mt. St. Helens. It's really not pretty. I kind of blew up last night and it felt good to get it out there, you know? But still, I have a lot of work to do in the very immediate future and I don't know how much I have in me left to be able to get it done. I will get it done. And then I'll cry afterwards.

But on the up side, I rediscovered this hat that I used to wear in college. It's a green-ish brown-ish gray-ish sort of cabbie hat. Nice and beat up. And with my brown overcoat, it makes me look all cute and hip hop-ish. I dig it. It makes me happy to wear it. So that's good. A little bright spot in my sea of chaos.

I love all of the people running around criticizing Kerry for not having a plan to get our troops out of Iraq and using that as a reason to not vote for him. Guess what? Bush doesn't have a plan to get our troops out of Iraq, nor does he have the faintest idea of what to do while we're over there. How do I know this? I've been listening to the news for the past two years. Our guys (by which I mean men and women in service) are still over there getting killed on a daily basis with no end in sight and the only remedies Bush has been able to come up with involve spending more of our tax dollars over there on what, I don't know. If he had a plan, it didn't work. And he won't fess up to making a mistake. He won't say, "Okay, that didn't work; let's try something else." Kerry looks at Iraq, at what is going on over there and says, "Hey, that isn't working. Let's try to think of something else." That, to me, sounds like a good idea. Call me crazy.

I'd also like to link to this endorsement of John Kerry from a newspaper from George Bush's home town because I think it is well written and brings up a lot of very valid points.

I saw an ad on TV last night for a sort of CD player type thing that plays smells. Like an air freshner that rotates the fragrance every half an hour, and you can buy different discs that have different arrays of smells. Granted, I could have been hallucinating after making five sets of fake breasts, but I think it was a real ad. And the first thing that popped into my head was not, "Wow, what a neat invention," it was, "Wow, they're ripping off Harold and Maude." Such a lovely scene, when she plays her odorifics for him. And now, with the invention of this smell player, Maude is no longer a crackpot working on some insane invention, she is a trailblazer in the world of air perfumery. People fifty years from now will watch Harold and Maude (I hope) and not find that scene at all funny or bizarre. It will be mundane. Normal. Harold will be the odd ball for living in a house that smells the way it smells instead of smelling like a cool, mountain stream.

I hate it when they ruin movies for me.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about them anymore. The season is over. It will be at least 2006 before we can say the Cubs made it to two post seasons in a row again. Since 1908. You know, we should just wait and get to the post season in 2007 and 2008 to make it an even hundred years.

I do still love the Cubs. I am excited to see what they're going to do with the team for next year. I hope they keep Walker and Hollandsworth, and I hope Hollandsworth gets healthy. I'd like to see Alou and Nomar come back, too. Because next year is our year, man. Next year. The cry of the true Cubs fan.

We'll see you in the spring!

Okay, so we're only a game out, not a game and a half. Still.

Also, rabbit, rabbit as it is now October.

And also, most states have voter registration deadlines and most of said deadlines are coming up in the next day or so, so if you are not registered to vote, please do so in the next day or two. This is an important election and we all need to get out there and vote, regardless of who we are voting for. Who knows? Mickey Mouse could actually win it this year.