March 19 - Dieting

Yes, it is going to be another blog on dieting. Sorry about that.

The thing about dieting is this: I am always convinced that the scale is lying to me. Always. Doesn't matter if the number goes up or down or stays the same, I am always convinced that it is lying to me.

Now, I know the logical reasons why a person's weight fluctuates. I even know that it is normal for me to weigh something different at different times throughout the day. So I try to keep my weighing-myself routine as constant as I can. I weigh myself in the morning before my shower, after I've used the toilet, in an attempt to get the most accurate "this is the lowest I could possibly weigh" weight. No allowances for clothing. No allowances for the lunch I just ate sitting in my stomach being digested. No cheats for the five miles I just rode on the exercise bike. Before the shower, just after I've gotten up in the morning. Makes sense, right?

But even so, I find myself doubting the number I see each morning. Today, the scale said the same exact thing that it said yesterday. I have, however, had other days wherein I stayed in my calorie range and got more exercise than I did yesterday and the scale has gone up. Whereas yesterday, I ate more fat than I have in a while (still within my range), and got less exercise than on other days, and it stayed the same. The math of the thing doesn't make sense. It just doesn't. Or, I haven't figured out the right algorithm to make my body consistently lose weight instead of going up and down all the time. Not that I'm complaining about staying the same - it's better than going up. But the same happens when the number goes down a bit. I try to excuse it by saying, "Well, it's because I ran later in the day and then drank less water, so it's down a bit for dehydration. Tomorrow, it will be back to normal." I somehow am always able to convince myself that the scale is lying.

It doesn't help, either, that I'm trying to lose weight the healthy way - a pound or two a week. Because when I look at myself in the mirror, the change is so gradual and so subtle that I can't really see it yet. I'm down about seven pounds from when I started paying attention (three of which were probably water weight that falls off really fast any time you start dieting) and one would think that seven pounds would make for a visible difference. My clothes are fitting a bit differently. Not to the point where they are ill-fitting yet, but they're not so snug. But looking in the mirror, I don't think I look any different. So it's easier to think that the scale is lying than to accept that what I'm doing is really working.

In any case, I'm going to keep at it for a while. And I apologize for any associated grumpiness that comes from this persistent thought that I'm still bigger than I should be because this piece of equipment, this inanimate object, is messing with me. I guess maybe that's the next step in the process - changing my mental image of myself to match the number I see on the scale.

Or something.

February 26 - Day 7

And then there is day seven of the diet. When your body starts to notice that it isn't getting as much food as it used to get and starts bugging you about it. Your hunger reflex doesn't shut off, even though you ate your afternoon snack alongside your lunch. You start to dream of the soda you've not had in a week, the sugar you're avoiding, the evening spent watching television eating chips and salsa.

But you're proud of yourself because last night, instead of reaching for the chips, you had celery and hummus and even though your evening was kind of busy, you walked to your appointment so you got two miles of walking in on a day when you weren't sure if you were going to be able to work out. Hooray for healthy living!

But the scale this morning went up a pound and a half from where it was yesterday morning. Even though you got exercise and stayed within your calorie/fat/protein/carbohydrate ranges.

Dieting sucks. It really sucks. I'm not going to lie and say I feel better or lighter or have more energy or any of that crap people tell you to try to get you to diet, too. Dieting sucks. It really really does. But I'm curious to know what I would look like and how I would feel if I was about twenty pounds lighter than I am now (or nineteen, according to this morning's scale; seventeen and a half according to yesterday's). I've never been small; I've never been obese. And while there are no guarantees that I will be any happier or get any roles I wouldn't have otherwise gotten if I become thinner, I kind of want to try it out and see what happens. So I'm sticking with it. I'm going to make a healthy dinner and get some exercise while I do my laundry tonight, and I'm going to try to figure out how to get some exercise in tomorrow, too. Because seriously, Scale, fuck you for saying I gained a pound and a half overnight when I did what I was supposed to. Fuck you.

Tune in next time for more of the dieting saga...

December 15 - Yum

There is always that time right before a trip when I debate making good food to have in my apartment and not buying any more food so it won't go bad while I'm gone. Today, I made food anyway and my apartment is warm and cozy and smells lovely because of it. 

Making good food is always the better option. 

November 19 - Nasty Habits

I was talking to someone over the weekend who said he was thoroughly disgusted by people who choose to chew gum. His argument was that it is akin to a cow chewing his cud.

Now, I will agree that it is perhaps odd to put something in your mouth that you chew and chew and chew but never swallow. It's a lump of mushy stuff that you infuse with your saliva and the bacteria that accumulate in your mouth and then you either stick it to the underside of a table to piss other people off or spit it out into a garbage receptacle where it will remain permanently adhered to the receptacle, never actually being disposed of. Gum chewing is not part of the digestive process, though, and is not semi-regurgitated matter mixed with stomach acid that has come up for a second go-around. And the kicker is, there are actually quite a few benefits to chewing gum. Particularly sugar-free gum. Particularly mint gum. Which happens to be what I chew when I chew gum.

The person who made this bold statement that chewing gum was gross also happens to be a smoker. Did I mention that? Yeah, he is. The person who inhales nicotine and tar that turn his teeth yellow and rot his lungs thought that chewing gum is more disgusting than smoking.

Now, I think we all know the dangers of smoking. And I think it is safe to say that most smokers don't give a rat's ass. In Europe, they put giant labels on cigarette packages with pictures of diseased lungs or that say, "Smoking Kills" and people keep smoking them anyway. For some, I'm sure it's turned into a "collect them all!" game with the warning labels. But from the very basest, very simplest, most mundane perspective, smoking makes you smell bad. We can tell you've been smoking because of the foul odor that accompanies you when you walk back inside. The stench that lingers in the air. And maybe that stench isn't the bit that is going to give me cancer, but I still have to smell it, the same as I have to smell my coworkers cooking their Lean Cuisine lunches in the kitchen. It is a distinctive, unpleasant smell that follows you everywhere, no matter how much perfume or cologne or body spray you try to use to cover it up. It just smells bad. You smell bad. And heaven forbid you try dating a smoker and feel the urge to kiss them...now you get to lick the tar and nicotine out of the inside of their mouth. Sounds like fun, yes?

I'll admit it - I've kissed smokers. And I'll also admit that regardless of technique, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of doing things like brushing my teeth, eating mints, chewing minty gum, or putting on lip balm to make the experience more pleasant for my kissing partner if he's just going to light up and taste like an ashtray to me.

I don't know that I've had much on my "dealbreakers" list before, if anything, but let's put this on there. No smokers. I'm done with it. I'm done with overlooking that "character flaw" when it comes to interviewing life partners (I'll overlook it for friends and casual acquaintances, but not for life partners). But I'll offer a deal to any smokers out there who were considering applying for the position - I'll give up chewing gum if you'll give up smoking. Deal?

September 1 - New Challenge

Rabbit, rabbit! September first!

Well, I did it. I woke up and worked out. I've been trying to keep moving throughout the day as best I can, because the workout program I tried today had no cool-down or stretch built into the end of it. I did some stretching on my own, but still. Who creates a workout program without a cool-down and stretch at the end?

The jury is still out for me on the food front. Part of me says if I'm exercising every day, I should watch what I'm eating, too, for maximum get-in-shape-ed-ness, but I also don't want to end up feeling hungry like I do just about every other time I do the diet and exercise thing together. So I finished off my pad Thai from last night, and baked brownies to go with the giant salad I had for dinner. The brownies are made with fresh blackberries and judging by the batter, might be the tastiest brownies I've ever had. Because the thing about eating well is that it should nourish your mind, soul, and body all at the same time, and every now and again, my soul needs chocolate. If I deny myself that chocolate, well, I become a bitter person. 

I also did a nice big grocery shop, and was so impressed with the gorgeous colors of the foods I bought - tomatoes, bell peppers, green beans, butternut squash, blackberries, raspberries, carrots. Is it because I'm vegan that my shopping basket is so beautiful, or does everyone's look like that? 

So Exercise Every Day in September is off to a rousing start. I almost feel like jogging a bit while I watch television this evening, but that might be overkill. Tomorrow, I will get some exercise and make a beautiful minestrone soup with all of the colors of the rainbow. Maybe this being healthy "as if it were my job" thing isn't going to be so bad. 

June 21 - Break Up

Hi.

I think it's time we had a talk.

I know, nobody wants to hear those words, and they mean exactly what you think they mean, but for the sake of my own sanity, I need to say them. I think I need to not see you for a while. This relationship has become painful and unfulfilling and leaves me feeling hollow and useless.

Please don't get me wrong - I did love you once. Long before the masses did. And now when my friends talk about how awesome you are, I can't help but smile to myself that I knew it first. And you are a great communicator - you are very good at letting me know what you need from me. It's right there, written down so I don't forget. What I sometimes feel, though, is that you forget there are things I need from you in order to make those things happen. I feel like my needs are not always met, so we fall into this trap of me trying to get you what you need, you telling me I've failed, me trying harder and failing more and I just end up resenting myself and resenting you. I want off of the roller coaster.

Maybe, in time, we can re-examine our relationship. Things weren't always so rough. In the beginning, my biggest complaint was your terrible taste in music - remember that? And the creepy voices you did sometimes? But I grew to love those things as I grew to love you. And I did love you. Please always know that. I think I just need some time and some space to reset and regroup. Take a step back in order to move forward.

This will not be easy. I've grown accustomed to seeing you every day. You're so colorful and the little bits of encouragement are wonderful when they come. They just don't come very often anymore. I feel it is time for me to take responsibility for my own happiness, and at this time, that doesn't include you.

Oh, Candy Crush Saga, why can't I quit you?

Sincerely,
Kitty

June 11 - Dietary Issues

This is not going to be a blog about losing weight, so if that is what you are looking for, look elsewhere. Sorry.

What I do want to talk a little bit about is the trend within the United States to tout the health benefits of one particular food item for five or six years, and then debunk everything good that was said about that product for five or six years, and then add that food item back to the "it's okay to eat in moderation" food list. Honestly, I think they're all just messing with us, trying to make bigger profits on food products by coming up with new food items and then convincing the general public that all of the old food products are going to kill you so you better eat this new stuff instead.

I bring this up today because a lot of the foods I rely on to keep me healthy have come under attack lately - soy and wheat, mostly - and this bothers me. I sort of feel like I'm sure much of the world did when we were all told to avoid eggs fifteen years ago, and I am anxiously awaiting the day when either some reasonable research comes out or we get off of this "everything is bad for you for five years and then it's okay to eat again" roller coaster.

See, the thing is this - data can be interpreted in really whatever way you want to interpret it in order to support whatever hypothesis you come up with. In the simplest terms, you may have crammed all night for a big biology exam and you got an 85% which makes you proud, but your parents only focus on the 15% of the test you got wrong and ground you. Same result, different interpretations. Or, let's say two groups of scientists perform the same study under the same conditions to determine whether or not smoking is bad for you. The one group zeros in on the calming effect of nicotine, the appetite control, the lowered risk for Parkinson's disease. The other group zeros in on the prevalence of lung cancer and emphysema caused by smoking. Both publish papers on their findings. Both papers will really only talk about the things they want to highlight so it doesn't look like they spent ten years disproving their own hypotheses. No scientist wants to prove himself wrong - he'll lose funding, he'll lose respect within the community, and he'll likely lose his job. On the rare occasion, proving oneself wrong produces another, greater result that then heralds one as a genius instead of a failure (William Perkin inventing synthetic dyes instead of a malaria cure, for example), but I think most scientists would rather spend their time proving themselves right than hoping for a miracle.

So here is what I know about human biology as it relates to food:

• We need certain amounts of carbohydrates, lipids, proteins, vitamins and minerals to support our basic body functions. 
• Some of these things are synthesized naturally in the body.
• What is not naturally synthesized, we get from food - the things we eat and drink are absorbed into our bodies and affect the way we function.
• Whatever we ingest that our bodies can't use is expelled as solid or liquid waste.

Based on this list, maintaining one's health by eating the right foods should not be rocket surgery. Eat things that contain the right amounts of carbohydrates, lipids, proteins, vitamins and minerals and you should be all good, yes?

I say yes.

I think where the confusion comes from is that the right amounts of the right things are not easily defined across the board. In the simplest terms, a 250-lb man has different dietary requirements than a three-year-old girl. There is more of him, he has different musculature, he has different hormonal balances to maintain, and he (hopefully) isn't still trying to grow at the rate a three-year-old is. And this isn't even taking into account conditions like diabetes or lifestyle choices like extreme athleticism that will change your nutritional requirements even more. But the problem in America is that we want to find the one right answer to "how and what should I eat?" that will work for everyone. We recognize so many other differences in ourselves; why don't we recognize and honor the differences in our dietary requirements?

The one that is really amusing to me now is the gluten-free trend. Now, I'm not trying to make fun of those who have Celiac disease - this is a real autoimmune disease wherein an autoimmune response is triggered in the small intestine when gluten is ingested, and it causes bloating, fatigue, weight loss, and malnourishment. I know people who have been positively diagnosed with Celiac disease and to them, I say, "Follow your gluten-free diet." For their sake, I am glad that companies like Udi's exist. But current estimates say that only about 1% of the population in the United States actually has Celiac disease. Now, there are also those out there with a gluten sensitivity, for whom eating gluten can cause bloating or discomfort, but they do not have the autoimmune disease. If those people also choose to avoid gluten, more power to them. Even if that brings the total percentage of the United States population who have some sort of problem with gluten to 10%, that's 90% of the population that doesn't have a problem with gluten. So why are we telling everyone to avoid gluten like it is the plague?

I know, I know, it is because wheat is so processed now and natural wheat plants today are different than they were 1,000 years ago and so on and so forth. You know what? Humans are different today than we were 1,000 years ago. So there.

"Well what about GMOs?" you might ask. Recently (i.e. within the last year or so), one of the biggest crusaders against GMOs gave a talk saying he was wrong all along - that the science to prove the harmful nature of GMOs isn't really there. I'm sure there are those who would say he was coerced into changing his position or whatever, but it does make you wonder. Did he spend the last twenty years only reading studies that supported his theories, and then recently found other studies that opposed his theories? If you can prove anything you want by looking at the results of scientific study through various colored glasses, was his flip a matter of coercion, or changing his glasses?

The simple answer is, "I don't know." I am not a researcher, I am not Mark Lynas, I am not a person suffering from a gluten sensitivity. I am a person who has been living and thriving on a plant-based diet that has included a lot of soy and wheat for almost eleven years. I have just the right balance of good and bad cholesterol in my system. I sometimes get tired when I eat sugary things. I sometimes get gassy when I eat too many beans. But I think it is clear from my outward appearance - my curvy nature, my strong fingernails and hair, my glowing complexion - that I am well-nourished. So I apologize if I am not going to jump on the "say no to soy" bandwagon, the "everything gluten free" bandwagon, or the "drink a glass of wine every day" bandwagon. I am going to eat the foods that make me feel good. I am going to eat the foods that my body tells me it needs, because if I have learned one thing from being vegan, it is that my body knows better than I do what it needs to function properly and it will tell me when something is lacking. And I am also going to allow myself to not be perfect in this regard - I will eat cake every now and again knowing exactly how crappy I will feel afterward.

And my advice to you on your diet? Eat the foods you like. The ones that make your body sing out, "Thank you!" after you have consumed them. The ones that have the carbohydrates, lipids, proteins, vitamins and minerals that support your unique body chemistry. Because you are unique, and you embrace that uniqueness in every other aspect of your life. Embrace it in your dietary choices as well.

Or not. I'm not an expert, so you're free to tell me to go piss up a tree.

May 27 - Priorities

It is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, the flying from one activity to the next, filling in the in-between moments as best one can. I find that cooking is usually the first thing to go when I get busy. Going to the store for fresh veggies, doing all of the prep, waiting for dinner to be finished all seems like such a chore when I've been on my feet or on the move all day. It is easy to pop something in the microwave or get take-out Thai food. 

But when I get the chance to get back to "my life" and my routine of cooking for myself, my body wants to weep with gratitude for flooding it with wholesome goodness. Fresh vegetables, whole grains, healthy oils. They have a calming and soothing effect. They bring balance back to my everyday life. I know I shouldn't let cooking go when I get busy because I feel my best and most grounded when I'm eating wholesome foods, but I do. The nice thing is, the damage is easily corrected by picking it up again. 

Bon appetit!

April 30 - Homework

So I had an idea.

I read an article today about the top ten things Americans don't know about America, and a lot of it had to do with this sort of egotistical negative culture we've built up around ourselves. The article was written with a lot of love by a man who loves the United States but has lived elsewhere for a while now, which has allowed him to see the States from a different perspective. I think a lot of what he had to say in the article does ring true. As a culture, we shield our kids from seeing people make love, but it's okay for them to play war-based video games. Television shows like The Following and Hannibal are on network television and are lauded as gritty, risky, real and brilliant. Shows like Secret Diary of a Call Girl are only aired on premium channels during hours when small children are not likely to see them. We're afraid of love and we love fear and violence. I'm tired of that.

My mom also told me over the weekend about a film I have yet to see that sort of proves how good it is for a person to do nice things for other people, and how humans are sort of programmed to work together in certain situations. That gave me warm fuzzies.

So here's my idea. I have a homework assignment for you. Sometime on May 1 (since April 30 is almost over), do something nice for someone else. It can be as simple as holding the door open for the person behind you, or as complex as making a charitable donation to an organization you've been meaning to give to for some time but haven't yet, or anything in between. Smile at someone on the bus (not in a creepy way). Give the homeless guy on the corner a cup of coffee. Tell that guy at work that his new haircut looks snazzy. Email your mom just to say, "I love you." Just do something nice for someone. Put some positive energy into the universe. And then come back here and leave a comment telling me what you did. Let's see how many nice deeds we can do in the course of a day.

You are wonderful, brilliant, amazing people capable of changing the world. Ready?

Go!

April 19 - I Got It

I think I figured it out.

I don't know if I mentioned it in this blog before, but there is a show on Hulu called The Booth at the End which is absolutely brilliant. I love how it is done, I love the characters and their arcs, I love the combination of simplicity and complexity that exists within the show. It's really unlike anything else on television right now and if you haven't watched it, you should. Right now. If you don't have Hulu, sign up for Hulu so you can watch it. It's worth it.

Anyway, the premise of the show is that people ask this man in the booth at the end in a diner for things and he gives them a task that they have to perform in order to get what they want. I don't want to give too much more away because the beauty of the show is in watching that unfold, but the important thing to know is that if you want something, you ask this guy and he tells you how to get it.

So it got me thinking about what I would ask for. What do I want so badly that I would go ask a stranger for help in obtaining it. And I think I finally got it.

I would ask for a higher resting metabolic rate.

I think this would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. It would allow me to eat the way I like to eat without turning into Gilbert Grape's mother, and it would help me stay warmer in general. If I had more natural body heat, I wouldn't be so cold all of the time.

So yes, I would ask for something kind of selfish. Most of the people do. And I don't think there is too much harm in asking for something for oneself. And hopefully in asking for something that really only effects me, the task I would have to perform wouldn't be too unsavory.

So how about it, man in the booth at the end? What task would allow me to get a faster metabolism?

April 10 - Two Months

So I have about two months to get myself into the physical shape I want to be in for filming Hamlet. So technically, Hamlet's father is dying right about now - how does she take that? Not well, obviously, but what does her grief look like? Is she an ice-cream-for-dinner-every-night grief eater? Is she a workout-to-avoid-dealing-with-stuff gym monkey? Probably not. She's probably somewhere in between. Though I think I could see her as more the wallowing-so-much-I-forgot-to-eat type.

Who am I kidding? This is less about what I want my Hamlet to look like and more about I don't like how far my tummy is sticking out at the moment. So two months. Two months of regular exercise and eating right. I think I can handle that.

I can handle that.

Right?

April 7 - Theory

I think I'm going through some sort of regression. If it's not pizza or chocolate, I have no desire to eat it. I drank an orange soda yesterday - I've not had orange soda since I was, what, twelve? And you know how kids suck their thumbs for comfort when they are small? I never did that, but I did suck my tongue - like when you're trying to save up your saliva. Recently, I've started doing that again as a comfort thing.

If I am regressing for some reason, I guess I would be looking forward to going back to third grade. That was a good year. If I'm not, I'd like to get my taste back for grown up food, please. Tasty as it is, girl cannot live on chocolate soy ice cream alone.