Semantics

I'm not sure when it became a "thing," but I'm noticing a trend where people who, I presume, are trying to be politically correct, refer to women as "females." Probably most notably in the Kimmy Schmidt open titles, "Females are strong as hell." What I'm not seeing is a corresponding switch from "men" to "males." This bothers me.

It's semantics, I know, but words have power and carry weight and bring certain connotations with them. I know there was a movement a while ago to get away from the word "woman" as it contains "man," and I get it. But by the same token, "movement" contains "men" and we didn't change that to "movemynt," because at a certain point it all gets silly. There are only 26 letters in the English language alphabet and to try to avoid any and all combinations of "m-e-n" and "m-a-n" gets ridiculous.

What bothers me about replacing "woman" with "female" is that is takes the humanity out of the equation. "Female" is a very scientific term, used to define the member of the species capable of producing eggs and bearing children. "Woman" is the word used to describe a human female. The same as adult male chickens are roosters and adult female chickens are hens, adult male humans are men, and adult female humans are women. To call women "females," to me, takes away the specificity of what species we are, which is, in my opinion, even more degrading that the fact that the letters "m-a-n" exist in the word "woman."

Biologically, yes, I am female. Transgender women identify as female as well. But I think all of us would like to think of ourselves as more than a set of sex organs, which is what the term "female" implies to me, and which is why I prefer the word woman. It gets even stickier when we note that men are not being called "males," implying that men are humans with complex lives and thoughts and fears and language abilities - all of the lovely things that make humans humans. We are, again, widening the gap between men and women, allowing one gender to be human and the other to be defined exclusively by its gender.

Granted, this also doesn't allow for agendered individuals, as much of the English language was developed at a time when we thought of gender as more of a binary system as opposed to the spectrum we now understand it to be. But perhaps, instead of allowing men to be human, women to be sex organs, and agendered individuals to feel completely out of place, we need to develop three new words - or six new words, or twelve new words or whatever - that better describe the variations of human existence, as opposed to further alienating more than half of the population.

Just a thought. From a woman.

December 8 - Skinny

I'm wearing skinny trousers.

Not trousers that make me feel skinny, or trousers that I bought once when I was skinnier and couldn't wear for a while but suddenly fit into again. I'm wearing trousers that are skinny shaped. As in, I might as well be wearing tights. Except thicker.

I think we all know my feelings on skinny jeans. If we don't, let me reiterate: No one should wear skinny jeans except Iggy Pop in the late 70's/early 80's and Ewan MacGregor in Trainspotting. If you are neither of those people, you should not be wearing skinny jeans. I should not be wearing skinny jeans.

Here's the thing: I don't think people are making non-skinny trousers anymore. I was desperate for some new trousers that I could wear to work, so I set out to try to find even just a nice pair of black jeans or something. Something heavier than the nice black trousers I have been wearing to work so that my legs are a little more protected during the cold winter months. But I could scarcely find non-skinny trousers. They have skinny trousers for curvy women. Skinny trousers for skinny women. Skinny boot-cut trousers, which seems like an oxy-moron to me. Skinny stretch trousers. Skinny stretch denim trouser leggings. But everything is cut skinny.

I grabbed the largest sized skinny trousers I could find and tried them on. While they are not as terrible as I might have feared, they are not going to become my new favorite trousers. I don't like trousers that stick to my legs like this - I have to adjust where the fabric falls every time I stand up or sit down. I don't like trousers that require sitting down in order to remove them. And crazy as it may sound, having a fuller leg on one's trousers traps warm air inside against the leg and actually keeps one warmer than wearing these super tight, form-fitting things. And to make matters super annoying, I am ridiculously hungry today, so my skinny trousers are making me feel anything but skinny.

Please, Fashion World, please stop subjecting us all to the same trends. We're not all shaped the same way. The clothing shapes you decide should be "in" do not work on everyone. Please continue to make clothing of different shapes available to those of us who are not concerned with being "in." And Clothing Stores, please stop stocking only one style of trouser. Seriously.

December 5 - Tired

The night before last, I got about three hours of sleep and yesterday, I felt fine.

Last night, I got about six hours of sleep and today, I am trashed.

Ah, sleep, you silly, mysterious mistress.

November 24 - Tired and Sad

For the most part, I have done a good job of remaining positive while living in New York. I'm viewing challenges as adventures and keeping my hopes up with the knowledge that the minor annoyances will change eventually. My mantra has become, "It's an adventure," and while that might sound dismissive in certain situations, I mean it. Living in New York is an adventure for me and in a weird way, I'm trying to acknowledge and enjoy all of the ups and downs of being here.

Today, I am failing at being positive. Today, I am tired and sad and I need to just be tired and sad for a day. The tired and sad won't go away just because I want them to; I need them to run their course.

So today, I am tired and sad because my mom went back to Chicago after we had a really lovely weekend together. As much as I love being in New York, it's hard to be this far away from my dearest friend.

Today, I am tired and sad because the second of the three shows in which I was cast closed over the weekend and I am going to miss working on that project and with those people.

Today, I am tired and sad because I didn't sleep last night and had to get up very early this morning before making it in to work.

Today, I am tired and sad because of minor annoyances with projects at work and the fact that the annoyances reared their ugly heads today when I was already tired and sad to begin with.

Today, I am tired and sad because my throat has been hurting for two days and I would really rather not be getting sick just now.

Today, I am tired and sad because it is beautiful outside and I have to be at work all day.

Today, I am tired and sad because I know I won't really get to rest until tomorrow night. Maybe.

So if you see me today and I am grumpy, it is because I am letting the tired and sad run their course. If you would like to avoid me so as to not deal with the tired and sad and grumpy, I completely understand. If you would like to give me a hug, I'd be okay with that, too.

October 21 - Toxicity

I've been trying really hard while I've been in New York to stay positive. I would love it if people leave interactions with me thinking, "She's a nice person." And so many of the things that were making me an inherently angry person in Chicago are no longer part of my life, so it honestly hasn't been too much of a struggle to stay positive and optimistic. Let's be honest - my first seven weeks here have been pretty darn amazing.

But then I get the response from the moving company to my Better Business Bureau complaint and it just pisses me off. I'm not going to go into too much detail here - I'll post the facts somewhere else later - but suffice it to say, I have very little faith in the humanity of that moving company. They have responded completely distastefully at every opportunity and have refused to take any sort of responsibility for the debacle that was my move to New York. I find myself wondering, though, if it is worth it to continue spewing my negative energy and my negative feelings at them through this medium. I do still need to work on the full factual account (with no commentary) of the whole process which will go up somewhere, but do I need to keep responding to the brick wall they have set up around themselves in regard to the BBB complaint?

I am taking some solace in the knowledge that my friends and family know how terrible the experience was, and that the whole thing is over. I just don't know how much time I want to spend fighting those who will not so much as offer up an apology for any of it (for their representatives not letting me finish speaking on the phone, for breaking my stuff, for delaying my shipment, for being rude) when there is so much in my life to be happy about right now. Which I'll tell you about later.

Because honestly, I have a lot to be happy about right now. And I'm kind of enjoying learning what being happy feels like.

March 10 - Micro-Sexisim

We've all heard the term "micro-aggression" to describe little jabbing comments that, whether intentional or no, are small acts of aggression against someone who is different. Things like asking the ethnic origin of an Asian person, or mentioning that an African-American person doesn't act like the "typical African-American person," or that kind of thing. Often times, the persons making these remarks don't realize they are being offensive, insulting, or condescending, but in pointing out these differences, the "aggressor" is really showing his or her own ignorances, biases, and stereotypical beliefs. Or something.

This past weekend, I found myself the subject of microsexism - microaggressions based on the fact that I am a woman. I know that the people spouting these phrases did not mean them to be insulting, but they actually really are. These intended compliments did little more than serve to make me feel uncomfortable and like an outsider.

I know that was not the intended effect, so if the persons involved in the situation happen to be reading this blog, please know I don't hold this against you, personally. I just thought I would write this blog to illustrate that this kind of language is outdated and unnecessary so maybe other people will refrain from using it in the future. And trust me, this past weekend was not the first time I've heard these comments.

The microsexisms that piss me off the most are the ones wherein the speaker is shocked (SHOCKED!) that a woman could like something, be able to speak about something, or show an interest in something not traditionally thought of as feminine. "Oh, my gosh, you like Monty Python?" "Well, where else am I going to find a woman who likes Lord of the Rings?" "I love that you're a girl, but I can still talk about baseball with you." Things like sports, science-fiction, math, science, computers, and off-colour humour, were all labeled "male interests" somewhere along the line and it was decided that women should not like these things. Guess what, guys? We do. I can talk about the Cubs with the best of them, then throw in a Holy Grail reference for fun, and then suggest seeing the next Avengers-type movie on the weekend. And I am not the rarity men seem to think I am. I talk with my girl friends about this stuff, too, as well as with my other guy friends. Hell, my best guy friend figured out really quickly that if he wanted to be able to talk to me during the summer, he better learn something about baseball and now he's an even bigger sports fan than I am. I know dozens of women who like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and Doctor Who, and not just as a passing fancy. We analyze plot lines and geek out when an new episode or new movie is about to come out. I have female friends who are statisticians and computer scientists. Hell, I know a woman who is a rocket scientist. Literally.

So guys, I feel bad for you if you've spent your entire life looking for a woman who can quote the monologue from the middle of Denis Leary's Asshole and I'm the first you've encountered. I can promise you, though, I'm not the only one out there. And while I appreciate the fact that you notice I'm not like the other women you've met, it is not necessary for you to broadcast to all of the other men in the room that I'm a super-special lady because I can. If I'm talking and acting like I'm just one of the guys, just let me be one of the guys. The instant you call me out on it, I'm not anymore.

Thank you.

January 28 - Broken

I feel like a broken record, bitching about the weather day in and day out. It's really cold outside, kids. Not as cold as Antarctica, but cold enough to be really annoying for Chicagoans. And frankly, as a person who hates being cold more than just about anything, I'm getting really tired of it. I'd like to know when the warm weather is going to happen, just so I know there is an end in sight. I know there is an end in sight - it can't stay this cold forever - but I want to know when it is, so if it doesn't happen by that date, I can be justifiably pissed and figure out a way to sue the weather forecasters or something. And I'm not just talking about above-freezing temperatures; I want to know when we're going to hit eighty degrees Fahrenheit (twenty-seven-ish degrees Celsius for our friends across the pond). I want to know when I will be warm all the time.

And then on top of the persistent annoyance of being cold, there are all sorts of other minor annoyances creeping into my life today. Nothing to talk about on the interwebs, per se, but enough little things that when added together, they feel like a big thing that just has me grumpy. Grumptopotomus City, goin' on in here. And weren't you guys supposed to be drawing pictures of grumptopotomi to make me giggle? Get on that!

So then I found seeds in my clementines at lunch today. I believe they are advertised as seedless, but whatever. I found seeds. And I think, to try to lift my spirits a bit, I'm going to try to grow them. My pineapple is doing quite well under the grow light this winter, and wouldn't it be fun to have a little clementine tree in my apartment as well? Just the sort of thing to help lift me out of the mid-winter funk. Grow a citrus tree inside.

So I may be a bit broken by the weather, but broken people can get better if they really want to, right Frank?

December 10 - Self Reflection

MindBodyGreen posted a list of 25 Questions to Ask Yourself Before the End of the Year yesterday, and I thought I might take a stab at answering them. This is going to be a long one, for which I apologize in advance. So here we go:

1. What am I most proud of this year?

Wow, stumped already on the first one. I feel like I should talk about some little thing that I did that helped someone else, like when I sent cookies to a friend after his mother passed away, but the thing I keep coming back to on this is Hamlet: The Series. I played frickin' Hamlet. I was Hamlet. I learned lots of lines and put lots of meaning behind them. And from what I've seen in the rough cuts of the first two episodes, even though I doubt the production as a whole will win any Oscars or anything (or Webbys? What is the award for online media performances?), I am proud of the work I did on that project. For one glorious summer, I was Hamlet. Not a lot of women can say that, but I can.

2. How can I become a better _____________?

I am choosing to fill in the blank with "actor," because I am kind of trying to focus on my career at the moment. The easy answers are to take more classes and be in more shows because I learn a tremendous amount by doing. But I think there are other areas I need to focus on, too, like going into every audition with gusto. Making bold choices all of the time. Not ever playing it safe. I know there are times when I feel like I'm working really hard, but I secretly know I could be doing more to affect my scene partner. I need to take note of those moments and then do more to affect my scene partners. And maybe I should take some voice lessons so the prospect of singing in front of people (without my guitar to act as a buffer) won't terrify me anymore.

3. Where am I feeling stuck?

A bit in my career; a bit in my love life. I love Chicago and all of the opportunities it affords non-union actors. I have been fortunate enough to audition for some of the slightly bigger/better-known theatres in Chicago recently, but I have not made the most of those opportunities. I'm not sure how to transition from a storefront theatre career to a mainstage theatre career, if that makes any sense, unless I am able to capitalize on some of those opportunities. Or make my own opportunities.

On the love life front, I think I may have just plain given up looking and resigned myself to the fact that I will always be single and will never have my own biological child. I am attracted to the wrong men or the wrong men are attracted to me, and at this point, I'm not even sure it's a matter of me being "too picky." If the problems with potential relationships are that he is involved in a love triangle already and I don't want to make it a rhombus, or that neither of us has the motivation to put in the effort, then those relationships were likely not meant to happen. I don't think wanting an available guy who wants to be with me is me being "too picky."

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

I need to allow myself to look how I look. I think I'm making progress - I do see "pretty" staring back at me in the mirror on a fairly regular basis now. But I still find myself wondering if I didn't get that role because I'm not rail thin, or if whatever boy might choose me over some other girl if my ass didn't have it's own gravitational field. Those moments are becoming fewer, though, and I'm getting more and more comfortable in my own skin. But it's a work in progress.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

Yes. My artistic one, yes.

6. What lessons have I learned?

There was something earlier this year about learning to ask for help when I need it, and/or to allow people to do nice things for me, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable or indebted to them. People like to do nice things for other people, and sometimes they even like to do nice things for me. The nice thing I can do back is to let them. And show my gratitude when they do.

7. What did I my finances look like?

I think this one is phrased badly, and it's not something I want to go into in great depth on the interwebs, but let's just say, I did not starve this year.

8. How did I spend my free time?

Free time?

I watched a lot of British television. I read some books. I read a lot of plays. I chatted with friends. I, you know, lived.

9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?
I think I did pretty well this year. I started paying attention to the "I have a lot to do tomorrow that will require energy and focus, so I should go to bed now" thing. And aside from the cold brewing in my throat at the moment, I didn't get really sick this year. I'm learning my patterns of when I get worn out and what I need to do to recover from that, and in some cases, I'm staging a preemptive strike. And I continue to eat good food, sometimes even in appropriate portion sizes now. So yeah, I think I did a pretty good job of this this year.

10. How have I been open-minded?
Honestly, I'm not even sure what this means, exactly. I am, I think, an open-minded person by nature. I tend to make an effort to hear what people have to say before figuring out if they are someone I want to invest my time and energy in or not, as opposed to making snap judgments based on appearance alone. I read articles written by people who have opinions different from mine. I like to learn things. I met a whole new group of wonderful women this summer in a place I would not have thought to find them, and I think it all goes back to remembering that we are all just people and really, we all just want to be liked.

11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?

When I already had too much to do. Creativity begets creativity, which may be why I want to always be working.

12. What projects have I completed?

I understudied The Night of the Iguana, though I never went on. I blogged every day (almost). I played frickin' Hamlet. I played Claire in Fuddy Meers. I vlogged every day in August. It's not quite done yet, but I have a really good start on a YouTube series I am hoping to premiere later this month.

13. How have I procrastinated?
I know exactly how I have procrastinated, but it is not something I am talking about on the internet.

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?
At the moment, I can't, really. I have to have the day job. When rehearsals happen, I have to be there. I have some control over the down time, when I have down time, and I would like to get back into a routine of cooking for the week on weekends so I can be sure to always have good, filling, healthy food to eat. But this is one that is always in flux, depending on what project I'm working on.

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?
I think I have psyched myself out of doing well at certain auditions because I place too much pressure on myself, too much value on being cast in a certain show, so I freeze up and don't perform my best. I have to remember that the times in my acting classes when I have been most brilliant have been when I have fucked up or just not cared about doing the right thing or being safe (emotionally. I'm always worried about physical safety on stage).

16. Where has self-doubt taken over?
Every time I get one of those emails saying, "Thank you for coming in, but we don't have a role to offer you in this production." Every time I walk out of an audition knowing I won't be called back. Every time I think someone is flirting with me only to find out his heart belongs to someone else. Every time something horrible comes out of me while on stage. When my acting teacher told me that anger was my safe place in class work. The thing about self-doubt, though, is that I don't think it is necessarily bad. It is an opportunity to examine yourself further. Think logically about what is causing the doubt and whether or not there is any validity to the fears. If there is, they can be addressed. If there isn't, the doubt goes away. So I don't think a healthy life is one that never includes doubt. I think it is one that knows how to use doubt to grow.

17. When have I felt the most alive?
On stage, or while performing.

18. How have I taught others to respect me?
My being my best self. God, that sounds cliche, doesn't it? But, for example, I went to a callback audition, and I could see there was a man there who sized me up as being...not of his level. We were supposed to read together and as we did, I could see is estimation of me change 180 degrees. We walked out of the audition room and chatted further, goofed off, he treated me like an equal. I recently took another acting class with people I didn't know, and by going in there, working hard, staying true to my preparation and wants, I demonstrated that I know what I'm doing and I earned their respect. Which leads me to believe that I am enough. If I am the best me I can be, I am enough.

19. How can I improve my relationships?
I think most of my relationships are pretty good, save the complete absence of a romantic one. And if I knew how to fix that, I would be in one.

I do have one major relationship in my life that is somewhat strained, but I am sort of afraid that the only way to really fix it is through counseling and I'm not sure that that is an option.

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?
I'm sure I have. Even if it was just a customer on the phone, or a customer service person I yelled at in frustration. I'm sure I have. I'm usually pretty good about apologizing to those people, though, when I know I'm being unfair.

21. Who do I need to forgive?
Myself, probably. And the person in the strained relationship mentioned in question 19.

22. Where is it time to let go?
I think I need to let go of the romantic relationship that wasn't from this year. I need to let it not bother me that he has likely moved on to someone else by now, and I need to know that even if things were different, it is probably best for me to move on.

23. What old habits would I like to release?
I'm a terrible sleeper. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and I often have a hard time staying asleep. But many years ago, I would force myself  to stay up long enough to watch South Park when it aired at midnight on a local television station and sometimes the act of forcing myself to stay up that late meant I was too tired to watch the whole program and I would fall asleep watching it. After a while, it became Pavlovian - watching South Park would put me to sleep. Then it became a matter of I couldn't fall asleep without South Park on. I've been working to get away from that, because I don't think it's good for me to only be able to fall asleep with the television on. I need to teach myself how to sleep in a quiet room.

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?
I'd like to like exercising more. Or at least get in the habit of doing it more often. But going back to that time-structuring question, it can be hard to build a solid workout schedule when suddenly, you're in rehearsal five nights a week until 10:30pm. And no, I will not be waking up at 4am to workout before work. I just won't.

25. How can I be kind to myself?
I can forgive myself for all of those little, very human faults and foibles that I have and love myself anyway. And travel more.

Ugh. I feel all hippy-dippy after doing that. I can't say I'm a fan of most of those questions, and by the end there, some of those answers were (I'm sure) the answers I know are supposed to be right whether or not they're true. I am kind to myself, when I take a day to give myself a manicure and facial, or when I allow myself to read with a cat napping on my lap all day. And I engage in self-reflection a lot. A LOT. All the time. Being an actor makes me examine myself all of the time, so it's not like these are things I'm not aware of other times of the year.

Anyway.

What kind of self-reflection do you do at this time of year, if any?

November 20 - Butter

People have talked for years about the phenomenon whereby a physically attractive person can become less attractive if he or she is unkind, or how a non-traditionally physically attractive person can become moreso if they are strong of character. This should not be news to you - I'm sure you've experienced it first hand. We all have. Many of the people I hold most dear would not fall into the Hollywood Leading Man or Leading Lady category, but they are the most beautiful people I know.

I think this goes for sex appeal, too. Take, for instance, current "hearthrob" Benedict Cumberbatch. Let's be honest, he's a little odd-looking. While watching the first season of Sherlock, it bothered me that he didn't seem to have any pores. But he totally won me over in the role, and from doing some (perfectly innocent) interweb searches, I've found I kind of dig the persona he puts out there. I admire his work, and I admire how he handles himself off stage, too. And these things are what have turned him from this weird pore-less man into a sexy guy I'd love to meet and work with.

I bring this up because People Magazine named their Sexiest Man Alive today and I have to say, I thoroughly disagree with the choice. I don't usually pay that much attention, though when Channing Tatum won it, I had to look through my own list of sexy qualifications and got the feeling the IQ qualification might fall a little short, but I was okay with it. He seems decent. This year, they gave the title to someone who is either not very talented or intelligent in real life or doesn't want people to think he is, so he puts on an asshat public persona. In either case, I don't think he's a very good role model. Yes, he is nicely shaped, but remember what I said in the first paragraph? Have you heard the phrase "butter face," as in "she's hot, but her face is nasty?" This guy is a butter mouth. He's nicely shaped, but when he opens his mouth to speak or sing, it kind of makes me ill.

There are many, many, many men I think are sexier than this year's Sexiest Man Alive. But for the sake of similar comparisons, I'll throw this one into the mix. Also a tall, skinny musician with dark hair and lots of tattoos. But he writes songs about how everybody should be writing songs, and how he'll look out for his god daughter as she grows up, and how life is meant to be lived to the fullest. He's funny and historically minded. He likes to learn facts about each city he visits on tour. He likes to learn a new cover song every day. He likes to read books, including autobiographies about people of whom he's not particularly fond just for the sake of learning about someone who is different to him. He loves his friends and loves making music. He's fascinated by English folk songs, and he loves to share his knowledge. On a personal level, I emailed him to thank him for his music and he responded with a very pleasant "thank you" email within about eight hours. By all accounts, he seems to be a decent human being. Not perfect by his own admission, but decent. Funny. Smart. Talented. Hot.

So for as much as I complain about the objectification of women, and as much as I do like to occasionally objectify men as a joke, could we please stop celebrating idiocy? If we're going to adopt anything about geek culture and make it cool, can we adopt the bit where we pay attention to people's personalities and celebrate the smart and funny ones who have some character?

I wish I didn't secretly know that that is asking too much. Go listen to Frank anyway. He's lovely.

November 19 - Nasty Habits

I was talking to someone over the weekend who said he was thoroughly disgusted by people who choose to chew gum. His argument was that it is akin to a cow chewing his cud.

Now, I will agree that it is perhaps odd to put something in your mouth that you chew and chew and chew but never swallow. It's a lump of mushy stuff that you infuse with your saliva and the bacteria that accumulate in your mouth and then you either stick it to the underside of a table to piss other people off or spit it out into a garbage receptacle where it will remain permanently adhered to the receptacle, never actually being disposed of. Gum chewing is not part of the digestive process, though, and is not semi-regurgitated matter mixed with stomach acid that has come up for a second go-around. And the kicker is, there are actually quite a few benefits to chewing gum. Particularly sugar-free gum. Particularly mint gum. Which happens to be what I chew when I chew gum.

The person who made this bold statement that chewing gum was gross also happens to be a smoker. Did I mention that? Yeah, he is. The person who inhales nicotine and tar that turn his teeth yellow and rot his lungs thought that chewing gum is more disgusting than smoking.

Now, I think we all know the dangers of smoking. And I think it is safe to say that most smokers don't give a rat's ass. In Europe, they put giant labels on cigarette packages with pictures of diseased lungs or that say, "Smoking Kills" and people keep smoking them anyway. For some, I'm sure it's turned into a "collect them all!" game with the warning labels. But from the very basest, very simplest, most mundane perspective, smoking makes you smell bad. We can tell you've been smoking because of the foul odor that accompanies you when you walk back inside. The stench that lingers in the air. And maybe that stench isn't the bit that is going to give me cancer, but I still have to smell it, the same as I have to smell my coworkers cooking their Lean Cuisine lunches in the kitchen. It is a distinctive, unpleasant smell that follows you everywhere, no matter how much perfume or cologne or body spray you try to use to cover it up. It just smells bad. You smell bad. And heaven forbid you try dating a smoker and feel the urge to kiss them...now you get to lick the tar and nicotine out of the inside of their mouth. Sounds like fun, yes?

I'll admit it - I've kissed smokers. And I'll also admit that regardless of technique, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of doing things like brushing my teeth, eating mints, chewing minty gum, or putting on lip balm to make the experience more pleasant for my kissing partner if he's just going to light up and taste like an ashtray to me.

I don't know that I've had much on my "dealbreakers" list before, if anything, but let's put this on there. No smokers. I'm done with it. I'm done with overlooking that "character flaw" when it comes to interviewing life partners (I'll overlook it for friends and casual acquaintances, but not for life partners). But I'll offer a deal to any smokers out there who were considering applying for the position - I'll give up chewing gum if you'll give up smoking. Deal?

November 7 - Update

The watched pot is my email account.

It is not yet boiling.

Grumble, grumble.

October 1 - Shame

I am embarrassed by my government today.

I was talking to a fellow classmate last night as we were working on building our relationship's back story for a class exercise and he asked if we needed to discuss politics. I told him I like politics best when I don't have to think about them. Today, I have to think about politics because the Temper Tantrum Party has decided the way they can best serve the interests of their constituents is to shut down part of the government. They will still receive their paychecks, of course, because it is important work they are (not) doing up there on Capitol Hill, and god forbid, they should actually stand with the people they claim to represent, the people told to take furlough days while Republicans stand with fingers in their ears shouting, "La la la, I can't hear you," at the Democrats.

Now, there are those who would argue that the Democrats should back down and allow funding for Obamacare to be delayed. I wonder how the millions of people who plan on going online today and signing up for health coverage they were previously unable to obtain feel about that. My guess is that Democrats who stand in favor of funding Obamacare as it was passed are taking that into consideration. I wonder how Republicans will react when they see exactly how many people in this country are in need of affordable health care and how many want to take advantage of the program. Will they still insist on delaying funding for the program, effectively saying, "Fuck you" to everyone who signed up for it?

I think what makes this even sadder is that there is another impending debt ceiling vote coming up, which is one of those silly things Congress imposed upon itself so it can have leverage in situations like this. Which means someone has to do something in the next two weeks to get the government running again or our credit rating could take another hit like it did earlier this year.

So, coming from someone who doesn't pay all that much attention to politics, who gets most of her news from the BBC, and who doesn't like having to think about this stuff, this is what I see:

• Obamacare has the potential to help a lot of people.
• Republicans are still pissed that an African American Democrat got elected fair and square to a first and then a second term.
• To this end, Republicans are dead-set on sabotaging his presidency.
• Republicans have decided that Obamacare needs to go away and are using lots of various unfounded fear tactics to get the American public to turn against it.
• In the ultimate game of Chicken, Republicans are now holding the American government hostage, costing millions of taxpayers millions of dollars in lost income, and threatening to lower the United States credit rating yet again rather than allow funding for a health care program that will not really affect people who already have insurance, but will open the door of opportunity to people who have not been able to get proper insurance in the past.

I'm sure I'm missing something in the details there, but at this point, I kind of don't care. I'm ashamed that the Republican party would hold healthcare for millions hostage because they're not getting their way. Because the idiotic candidates they've put up in the past couple of elections didn't pass muster. You know when the last time the government went into a partial shut-down was? Seventeen years ago when Republicans didn't like Clinton's budget.

Republicans: stop shutting down the government. This is not an appropriate negotiation technique among grown adults. Get your fingers out of your ears, put on your big boy pants, go in to work, and discuss things like civilized human beings who are elected public servants. Shutting down the government does nobody any good. Shutting down the government in the name of stopping health care reform does nobody any good. You are only succeeding at making yourselves look incompetent and idiotic to the rest of the world. Grow up and do your job.

Happy October, everybody.

September 26 - Grumble, Grumble

So the grocery store chain Jewel Osco has decided to eliminate their self-service checkout kiosks in some stores in an effort to make the shopping experience more personal and to cut down on theft. I'm guessing the second point there is more important to them than the first.

I heard this news while listening to the radio this morning and the morning deejays did not seem terribly broken up about it. They welcomed the chance to once again stand in line, put their food on a conveyor belt, and make silly chit-chat with a disinterested sixteen-year-old behind the register. You know what? That option has always been there, and has remained an option the entire time the self-service kiosks were in use. They also complained about not being able to find bar codes, or not knowing how to key in produce codes, or what have you. That's fine. I get it. The self-service kiosks were not for everyone, so there was always at least one manned cash register lane open at all times for those who didn't want to use the kiosks.

I, for one, am annoyed that they are doing away with them. I like the self-serve kiosks. They mean I can go to the store and buy my items without having to have any sort of human interaction at all. I don't have to smile at someone who would rather be elsewhere. I don't have to explain that I brought my own bags and then get annoyed when they seem afraid to use them. And perhaps more importantly, I don't have to deal with the other people in line crowding me while I am in the middle of my transaction. The self-serve kiosks generally took on the feeling of ATMs with the implied courtesy distance of at least five feet while in use. Once or twice, I had an impatient fellow consumer standing right over my shoulder, but a nasty look would send them away. That doesn't happen in one long queue. The person behind you feels crowded by the person behind them so they push forward into you because you'll be gone soon anyway. The self-serve kiosks were a way to make my own personal shopping experience as pleasant as it could be.

This is not to say I don't like all grocery store clerks, or I detest all grocery store interactions. Cute guy at Whole Foods with the mohawk can chat with me all he likes while ringing up and bagging my items. I'm fine with that. And the people who work at Trader Joe's are often engaging and amusing and intelligent. They have learned to engage the customer with something more interesting than, "How are you?" mumbled half-heartedly over the counter. They share recipes or anecdotes or comment on my Monkey Quest bag, which then starts the inevitable Comic Con conversation. They are at least half of the reason I like shopping at those stores (the other half being the products).

But I do, on occasion, have to go to one of the bigger, more-homogenized grocery store chains to get things they don't sell at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods, like a specific brand of cat food (Owen is very picky). And the employees at these stores are...they're there. They're doing a job. They might try to be friendly, but there is always that feeling in the background that they really just want you to go home so they can, too. And I get it. I know the feeling. My first job was in a grocery store, so I understand the boredom of watching the clock tick down the minutes until you can leave. But chatting with them while they ring up my items is an exercise in introvert hell. Which is why I loved the kiosks. I was good at using them. I was quick. I only ever required help when buying booze or when the bar code on the blueberries would not scan. Most of the time, it was a really quick way for me to get in, get what I needed, and get out without disturbing anyone who worked there. Win-win, from my perspective.

I hope they don't take the self-service checkout lanes away in the locations I visit most often. I might have to find a new store to frequent then. Or, if they must take out those lanes, might I suggest investing some time and money in employee morale so the "better connection with customers" is actually better in the customer's minds too?

September 4 - One of Two

Okay, one of two things needs to happen here. Either

1. I need to train myself to only develop crushes on men who it is appropriate for me to have crushes on, or 
2. I need to train myself to always know that my crushes are just crushes and nothing will ever come of them.

You thought this was going to be the first of a two-part blog, didn't you? Sorry about that. Make that the third thing to put on my list - I need to train myself to title my blogs more appropriately. But back to the subject at hand.

I did not add "stop having crushes all together" to the list because honestly, I like having crushes. I feel a little weird if I don't have a crush on anyone. Like when I found out my favorite actor was getting married so I had to sort of tone it down in my own mind and realize that even if we do meet someday, the most I can ever hope for is working with him, I didn't really have anyone else on whom to focus my affections and I felt a little empty. Granted, he did not know he was the focal point of my affections, and (I would like to think) many of my crushes never do. My affections usually amount to me thinking about someone and hoping they are having a lovely day. I'm serious. I don't turn into crazy obsessed stalker, I just hope the person I have a crush on is having a lovely day. Eventually, I realize that he's having a lovely day with out me just about every day and my expending this energy hoping he's happy is really getting me nowhere, so I give up and find a new crush. It is a very self-contained process that just gives me someone to think about on occasion.

My goodness, I sound like a lunatic, don't I?

But to me, that's what crushes are. These little periods of time when I think a certain person is particularly groovy so I hope good things come to that person. That's it.

Where it becomes problematic is when the person on whom I have a crush is not the sort of person on whom I should have a crush. For example, he's married, or he's fifteen years outside of my age range, or he lives on the opposite side of the planet. Granted all of these things are things that may not seem like a big deal to other people (except hopefully the married one), but to me, they mean that nothing will ever come of my crush beyond the crushing realization that my affections will never be reciprocated.

So how do I balance the desire to have a crush with the desire to avoid wasting all of my energy on people who are really groovy but will never be my life partner? It boils down to two choices - either I train myself to not develop crushes on inappropriate people, or I train myself to know that these little crushes are just little crushes from which nothing further will develop.

Knowing me, I should aim for the second. Because no matter how many times I tell myself I shouldn't like the 48 year old on the other side of the planet, sometimes he's just so cute, I can't help it.

August 28 - Hair

I like my hair. Scratch that, I love my hair. It is so ridiculously soft that I almost feel guilty not letting people play with it more regularly. If I had a significant other just now, he would get to make his friends jealous with how amazingly soft his girlfriend's hair was. And it's red, to boot!

Thing is, there is always a week or two, every year, when the humidity in Chicago just goes bonkers and no matter what I do, my hair just will not behave. I get the half-frizzies, where the top layer of my hair decides to go for the Medusa look, whilst the rest of my hair just wants to chill out and hang on my shoulders. It's an odd look. Not my favorite. I generally end up pulling it back in one fashion or another to try to tame the wild and wiry fly-aways, but mostly, I just have to wait for the uber humidity to be over. The nice thing is that the week after uber humid week is generally nice and calm and I have hair so awesome, people should write epic love poems about it.

We are right, smack in the middle of uber humid week.

To try to combat the crazy today, I thought I would employ a scarf, strategically tied around my head (for a sort of headband look - none of that stupid "across the forehead" nonsense for me, thank you), and then braid it into my hair and tie it in a bow at the bottom. This is probably the most complicated hairdo I have ever attempted on a work day, and I can't totally see how it looks because I didn't do the braiding until I got to work, so I don't have the other little mirror with which to look at the back of my own head in the mirror in the bathroom. The thing is this - I have a ginormous head. And a tumor behind my right ear. Neither of which makes headbandy things very comfortable. Which means I've been sitting here with a scarf tied around my head for about six hours now, and I am dying to take it off because it is squeezing my head, but I don't want to take it off for fear of what my hair may be doing on it's own, and because I kind of want to be able to see my handiwork before I undo it.

I know, I know. Not the worst of problems. But I'll be glad when the humidity wanes and lets my hair be normal. The heat can stay; just cut back on the humidity. Thanks!

August 6 - Corporate Dress

I am not a fashionista. I think we all know this about me already. It is amusing to me, doing VEDA again this year, to look at my videos and realize that I have been essentially wearing the same six outfits for the past three years. I am not a fashionista.

The one time that this bothers me, though, is in reference to the clothes I wear to work. I wear "business casual" clothing to work. Albeit with Converse sneakers, but it's business casual. Nice trousers, nice blouses, appropriate sweaters, the occasional skirt or dress. I look...corporate. With sneakers. Not everyone in the downtown area has to look corporate, though, and when I walk around the corner to grab a sandwich for lunch, for example, I see guys walking around in jeans and Batman t-shirts and I become insanely jealous. My inner geek wants the ability to rip of my corporate exterior like Superman to reveal the Doctor Who t-shirt I wish I was wearing, so I could be easily identified on the street as a geek and a sci-fi fan. Then maybe they would smile and say, "Cool shirt," and we would know that a bond had been formed between two strangers with similar interests and we would go our separate ways feeling like we belong somewhere in the universe.

Instead, they see a girl in black trousers and a sweater set, carrying a sandwich and don't think twice about her. There is no bond, no belonging, no smile.

I hope that someday, corporate America starts listening to the studies that show that employees who get to wear what they want to work are more productive than those who have to follow some dress code. And that workers are more productive when given more individual freedoms, and that employees are more productive when they feel valued. So maybe someday, when I pop around the corner to get a sandwich, I can do so with my geek flag flying loud and proud for all my fellow geeks to see.

July 24 - One of Two

I think this is going to be a two-post day because I've had an idea kicking around in my head for some time that I want to write about, but I also had kind of a disturbing dream last night that I want to share and I don't want to mush both into the same post, so I'll write about them separately. First the dream (this post), then the idea (the other post). Ready? Here we go...

So in my dream last night, I was in one of those fake Hollywood relationships with John Barrowman while we were promoting a film that we had worked on together. But, as everyone knows Barrowman recently married his partner of 20 years and is openly gay, so the fact that he would have to be in one of those fake Hollywood PR relationships is ludicrous. But who says my dreams have to make sense? Anyway. We were in some fancy schmancy town somewhere for a film festival promoting our project and it kind of looked like the Paris casino in Las Vegas and Barrowman's husband Scott was there, but he and I were still supposed to be all schmoopy and stuff when in public. Which we weren't, really. I did a lot of things on my own while he canoodled with his husband and it kept raining so there was an underlying theme of needing an umbrella and who is going to be polite and hold the umbrella for the other person and whatnot. And at one point, I made some sort of comment about how if we were supposed to be putting on a show for the press, we should probably spend some time together and in a really snippy tone, he replied, "I paid for your cab, didn't I?" Which bothered me in the dream and is still bothering me now that I am awake. I have spoken to Mr. Barrowman in real life twice - once at Comic Con in 2011, and once at C2E2 in 2012 and on both occasions, he was completely lovely. Completely lovely. I follow him on Twitter and he is charming and courteous, while still being completely professional about his work and conscious of presenting the right image in the media. Not a fake image, just one that is worthy of looking up to in case small children feel like looking up to someone. He is a completely lovely person as far as I can tell. Yet in my dream, he was a jerk to me. I hate when my subconscious turns a completely lovely person into a villain. I feel like I need to apologize to that person for miscasting them in my imagination.

So to Mr. Barrowman, I am sorry my brain turned you into a jerk while I was sleeping. I do hope that in real life, we get to work together someday and I am sure you will be just as lovely on set as you were at the conventions. Thank you for everything you do.

July 18 - Ugh

My apartment lease renewal came in the mail today. I hate this day, every year. Because the thing is, I love my apartment. I really do. But I always find myself thinking I shouldn't be spending this much on rent, or I shouldn't be tying myself to this neighborhood or this city for one more year. I should pick up and move somewhere exotic or somewhere better for my career and kickstart my life. And then I think about finding a new apartment - the looking for a place, the negotiating with the landlord or property management company, followed by the moving and the packing and the phone calls and the updating my address in everything and the thought of tackling that now, when I'm filming Hamlet and have sixteen other projects on my plate and it's stinking hot outside...I just don't want to. I know it would probably be more practical to at least do some investigation before I sign the renewal. And I probably will. But I will probably then sign on the dotted line and hope that everything works out okay over the next year. Maybe next year I'll do something else.

Ugh.

July 17 - Gender Roles

I went to an audition a week and a half ago wherein before the monologues and things started, we all sat around and talked about amazing women from Chicago. I mentioned the Bechdel Test and got the chance to explain it to the people in the room who were not familiar with it, one of whom is a script reader. She is the person who reads scripts for producers and tells them which ones are worth their time and which ones aren't. She said she was recently presented with a script that had five male characters, all described by character traits - strength, intelligence, shadiness, etc. - and one female character described solely by her physical characteristics - skinny, brunette, hooker with a heart of gold. She didn't bother to read the script, nor did she pass it along for others to have to read, but I think this is a telling indicator of how women are viewed in the film/television/theater industry.

Then, last night, after watching Whose Line is it, Anyway?, the show I adore because it makes me squeak like no other, I left the television on and saw the new dating game show travesty, Perfect Score. The premise of this game is that you have two people of one gender fighting for a date with one of ten people of the other gender. There were two episodes, back to back, one with women fighting for a date with a man, one with men fighting for a date with a woman. The two that are fighting for the date and the ten people they have to choose from take compatibility tests before the show starts, and then the ten are ranked from most compatible to least compatible with the two based on their answers. Each date is also then given a dollar value, with the date with the most compatible person being worth the most money, the date with the least compatible being worth the least. Through a series of question and answer type rounds (and semi-humiliating stunts), the two gradually eliminate people from the group of ten (who are sent to the Loser's Lounge) until they finally choose one person to go on a date with. Whichever of the two picks the most compatible date in comparison to his or her opponent wins the date and the corresponding dollar amount. It sounds way too complex to be this ridiculous and vapid, but ridiculous and vapid, it is.

What I thought was really interesting was the gender roles people fell into on this show. I found myself wondering if they really are like that, or if these people just want to win dates and money. For example, when the women competing for a date with a man were asked what kind of men they liked, they used words like nerdy or smart - character traits - but then proceeded to eliminate most of the nerdy guys, keeping the traditionally hotter men in the competition. When the men competing for a date with a woman were asked what kind of women they liked, one said the more petite the better, and the other pulled the superiority card to say he likes a woman with a nice round booty. Like that made him more mature and accepting of different types of women. The first woman he eliminated was a little older, not as "traditionally beautiful" as some of the other women, but she was his third-most-compatible date.

It was fascinating to me that even in our every day interactions between the genders, women are reduced to body parts while men are allowed to have personalities. It reminded me of this interview with Dustin Hoffman, too. Somewhat for the women, but especially for the men. Neither gender really wanted to give people a chance who were not physically attractive to them, even when it turned out those people were their most compatible partners. I'm not saying physical attractiveness isn't important - it is - but we all know how the more you come to know and treasure a person, the more attractive they become to you, yet we're all programmed to not even get to know people who aren't attractive at a first meeting. I'm sure I'm guilty of it, too, for which, I apologize. But seriously, what the fuck? What is wrong with our culture that we think it is okay to reduce women to body parts and judge books solely on their covers? Aren't we better than this yet?

If someone could cryogenically freeze me for the time being and wake me up when American culture is a bit more sane, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

July 10 - Transit

Okay, this one is going to get squidgy, but it needs to be said.

There is a certain road within the City of Chicago that has been notoriously bad for bicyclists, yet one of  the most popular roads for bicyclists to use. My guess is that a lot of the sort of people who choose to ride their bikes to work live along this road, so they see it as a good thoroughfare for their commute. In the last month or so, the City of Chicago repainted much of this road to include bicycle lanes going in both directions, often times on the opposite side of the parked cars from the moving traffic. While I think setting up separate bike lanes is a good idea, I don't think much thought was put into making this stretch work well, as it also involves a couple of the worst intersections in the City of Chicago, where now motorized vehicles (including public transportation vehicles) are stuck and stalled for a mile or so, waiting for all of the bicycles to pass so someone can turn right. I'm not saying I have a better solution; I'm just saying this one doesn't seem particularly well thought-out.

There is one particular intersection, though, where they did give it some thought, as there are an inordinate number of cars that need to turn right in that spot, and a large number of bicycles going straight. This intersection is maybe 400 feet from the light preceding it, which is a six-way intersection, so to have all of the motorized vehicles wait for all of the bicycles at this intersection...it would end up messing up three major roads in Chicago, not just one. So they installed a traffic light specifically for the bicycles - it has red, yellow, and green bicycles that light up to indicate when the bicycles have the right of way - and next to it a turn lane with a right turn arrow light (red, yellow, and green) to indicate when the motorists have the right of way. This is the one intersection where I think they did things right.

So on my way home today, traffic in that general area was particularly bad, so a certain motorcyclist decided that since his vehicle has only two wheels, it was appropriate for him to ride in the bicycle lane. One of the bicyclists stopped at the intersection in front of the motorcycle (maybe more of a scooter, but still), turned around and informed him that the bicycle lane was for human-powered vehicles only, not motorized vehicles. The motorcyclist moved slightly into the motorized vehicle lane to get through the light, and proceeded on to the next light - the one where there is a bicycle light and a right turn light. I was about three cars behind them at this point, and I saw that the right arrow light was green and the bicycle light was red. The bicyclist in question had moved over in front of the right-hand turn lane, blocking the motor vehicles who had the right of way at this point. In moving out of the way of the oncoming traffic, the bicyclist turned very widely to the right. The motorcyclist also turned right, but more directly. The motorcyclist hit the bicycle's rear tire and the bike went down. I don't think anyone was seriously injured, but the bicyclist was certainly pissed off as he brushed off his knees checking for injury. I just kept driving. My curiosity to find out if they were okay was overwhelmed by the desire to get out of my car and scream at them both, so I figured it was best for everyone involved if I just kept going and didn't disrupt the flow of traffic further. Because honestly, who is more infuriating: the motorcyclist who thinks it's okay to ride in the bicycle lane, or the bicyclist who thinks the giant red bicycle stop light doesn't apply to him?

I know, I know, bicycles have lower emissions and cause less damage to the roads and take less space to park and yadda yadda yadda. And I know I am going to get screamed at for this, but I hate bicycle riders in the city. As the driver of a car, I know I check before I change lanes or turn in front of a bicycle, I wait for bikes to pass before I open my parked car door, I wait for bikes when I'm turning left and they are part of the oncoming traffic. I know not every car looks out for bikes, but I do. And yet, bicyclists have nearly run into my car at least three times (while I was stopped waiting at a light), and I have nearly been run down by bicycles as a pedestrian more times than I can count. Even this morning. The thing is this: it feels like bicyclists think they have carte blanche to ride however and wherever they please, following some sort of hybrid car/pedestrian rules, picking and choosing which rules they want to follow when. That's not how it works. We all have to work together to use the roads properly so we can all get where we're trying to go, no matter if we are in a car, on the bus, on a bike, or on foot. Everyone has to look out for everyone else.

And while we're at it, people have to take a class and pass a test before they are allowed to drive. There is no such testing for bicycle riders. Hell, I'm guessing most of them haven't even read their city or state laws on bicycle riding. So before you get too snippy with me, please check out the Illinois Bicycle Rules of the Road, the Municipal Code of Chicago concerning bicycles (pay special attention to this bit), and the Illinois Highway Code concerning bicycles. I've read them. Have you? Do you know how many laws you broke riding your bike to work this morning? I'm just saying. And no, a cursory glance over your shoulder where your head moves three degrees to the left does not qualify as "signaling."

The public roadways are for everyone to use, on the vehicle of their choosing or without any vehicle at all. We all need to realize that we are not the only person on the road, and that our destination is not the only one that matters. If we all look out for each other, and everyone obeys the signs and signals that apply to them (yes, bicyclists who run red lights because they don't want to stop, I'm looking at you), we'll all get where we need to go in a reasonable amount of time with minimal incident.

And to the motorcyclist and the bicyclist who got into that accident today, a pox on both your heads. I saw it coming a mile away - why didn't you?