December 31 - Resolutions

This time last year, I was in Cardiff, Wales, being an uber geek with my best friend. Today, I am drinking tea and watching Doctor Who at my mom's house, and I'll see my best friend later in the day. Some things don't change and I sometimes thank goodness that they don't. 

I'm not much of one for resolutions. I've already laid out my career goals for 2015, and I'm looking forward to getting started on them. But in addition to my career goals, I think I want to make sure to put in the effort required to maintain my existing relationships and to build new ones. I want to put in the effort required to stay physically and mentally healthy, because without my health, I won't be able to achieve my other goals. And I want to be able to keep doing the things I'm doing. I want to keep being authentic. Most of all, I want to keep creating and being a positive influence on the world around me. Not just in the coming year, but just sort of in general. So nothing big. 

I hope that wherever you are, you have a safe and happy new year, and that at least some of your dreams come true in the coming year. And when they do, enjoy them. And then keep on dreaming. 

Happy New Year! And thank you for coming with me on this two-year-long blogging every day adventure. I'll be back sometime. Just not tomorrow. 

December 30 - Review

I feel like I should do a sort of Year In Review post, though it also feels a little silly to do so since I've posted every day this year so really, it's all here already. But here we go anyway. 

I was in about seven plays and one film. 

I completed season 1 of Just a Fling. 

I read probably ten-fifteen books. 

I moved 800 miles away from home. 

I got a new job. 

I made twenty or thirty new friends. 

I learned that I am stronger than even I thought I was. 

I learned that I am more capable than I thought I was. 

I learned that the people who are most important to you stay in your life, regardless of geography. 

I purged a lot of my stuff and learned that I really don't miss it. 

I learned how to play the ukulele. 

I got a second tattoo. 

I saw one of my favorite musicians play two shows in one day. 

I spent time in three countries on two continents. 

I learned how to live with other people. Kind of. 

I learned how to be more giving. 

I learned to not place so much importance on stuff and ownership. 

I identified some societal "norms" to which I no longer want to subscribe. 

I walked I don't even know how many miles and lost about eight pounds. 

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good year. Big changes. Lots of growth. Yes, I was stressed out and cried a lot for a couple of months leading up to my move, but the net result has been very positive so far, and tears can be good for you every now and again. 

So I won't be documenting 2015 quite as thoroughly, but I'm excited to see what it has in store. I'm excited to get working on my goals, and I'm excited to see what unexpected challenges and opportunities might come my way. 

Now if only it was a smidge warmer outside so I wasn't so afraid to leave the comfort of a nice, warm bed. 

December 29 - Transitive Property

So, if Person A is in my karass, and Person B is in my karass, does that mean that Person A is also in Person B's karass? 

December 28 - 2015

I feel a little bit bad that my posts the past few days have been crappy. There is a lot going on in my head; I've just not really been motivated to write about it. I'm thinking about what's next for me and what I've accomplished and the things I haven't done and goals and challenges that I could lay out for myself. And I'm thinking about all of this while I'm in my hometown, 800 miles away from the life I'm trying to build. I'm anxious to get back to building my life, but I am so treasuring my time in Chicago with my family and friends and points familiar. Chicago feels small and slow and spread out, but warm and welcoming and home-y. New York feels big and fast and strange, but exciting and full of potential. And all of this swirling around in my brain when I'm far away from being able to do much about it just has me feeling weird. 

One thing that I was thinking about today, though, was this blog. I've proven that I can blog every day. Challenge met, achievement unlocked. And I now find myself in a place where I wonder if these daily posts are sapping creative energy from other outlets. Would I be writing more songs or plays or whatever if I wasn't focusing my writing energy on blogging every day? Because I have ideas for things I want to write, but having this daily brain dump, I just haven't taken the time to write the other stuff. Maybe I need to put a cork in this creative outlet so that the other ones can open up. 

I'm not going to abandon this blog completely. I've had it too long to give it up. But I think I am going to take the pressure off of myself to write on a specific schedule. If I have something to say, I'll post. If I don't, I won't. My blog every day experiment is going to end on December 31. So let's see what other things I can create in 2015 when I'm not worried about blogging every day. 

December 27 - New York

As I spent the day with my nieces (seeing them for the third time in four days which was heavenly), and I am now waiting for my friends to come meet me at out designated meeting spot, New York feels a million miles away in my distant past. It is going to be weird to go back there in a week and start again to look for projects and things with which to fill my time. 

December 26 - Haiku

Day after Christmas

New friends, good food, Doctor Who

Happy Boxing Day

December 25 - Christmas

I hope that whatever your belief system, you had a lovely day today, full of laughter and family and things that bring you joy. 

Of course, I hope that for most days, so on top of that, for today, I'm going to say Merry Christmas. Mine was lovely; how was yours?

December 24 - Holidays

Today, I did some holiday type things - I baked cookies, I wrapped one last gift, I listened to Christmas music. And it was actually quite nice. 

Maybe part of it is that I'm happy to be back in Chicago. Ridiculously happy to be in Chicago with my family and my friends and some time to spend. Not that I don't love New York. I do, and I've met wonderful people there and done amazing things. But there's something about coming back to your hometown... Go listen to Frank Turner's "Wessex Boy" so I don't have to quote it for you. 

But I'm also wondering if some of the stress and anxiety surrounding the holidays in previous years has to do with how long the season lasts. In some cases, it is two or three months of buying things and menu planning and making lists and checking things off only to find more things to do, and realizing that since you have more time, you can do more stuff until you're right up at the end of things and you feel like you didn't do enough because you're still thinking of more that you could do. 

This year, I was in a show in December, which are up a lot of my time. It meant I really only had that one afternoon in which to do my shopping. And now I'm in Chicago with one morning to do my baking. So I've had to keep things simple. Downsize. Which makes the activities that much more special. I think if you listen to "All I Want for Christmas is You" forty-seven-thousand times, it loses its specialness whereas if you hear it just once, it can be special because it reminds you that this time of year is different. So maybe that's part of my problem with the holiday season. It is so long that it doesn't feel special. But this year, in keeping the season condensed for myself, I am more able to treasure the time spent with my loved ones and the things we get to do together that we don't get to do any other time of year. 

I am excited to go to my family's gathering tonight. I'm excited to hug everyone and see their smiling faces. I'm excited to sing and eat and exchange silly little gifts. I'm excited for Christmas this year. 

And to my friends and family, I love you. Thank you for letting me be part of your holiday season, and thank you for being the highlight of mine. 

December 23 - Sweet Home, Chicago

Hello, Chicago. You're looking lovely. 

December 22 - Short

I'm keeping this short today because all I can think about right now is going to Chicago tomorrow and hugging my family and friends. Tomorrow may also be short 'cuz I'll be driving. Sorry about that. 

December 21 - Processing

It occurred to me when I got home after closing night last night that this is the first I've had a chance to really process everything that has happened to me in the last four months. I left everything, started a new life, got a new job, was cast in three back-to-back shows, made new friends, found a new home. That's a lot. And it requires some processing time, which is sort of what I'm doing today, and it is why I have no plans to leave my apartment today. 

I want to say a very big, very heartfelt thank you to the New York theatre community for welcoming me so completely. In the past three months, I have been so fortunate to work with three amazing directors, two lovely assistant directors, seven incredible producers, twenty-nine phenomenal actors, three brilliant stage managers, and I don't even know how many amazing designers. I've built relationships with people I hope to know for a very long time and who I am excited to work with again in the future. And what's more, they want to work with me, too. I was so scared when I moved to New York that I would not be able to do theatre, that the move to pursue my dream would be in vain. Not only was I allowed to do theatre, I was encouraged and my art embraced. No matter what else happens during my time in New York, I can count this experiment a success, in large part owing to the generosity and faith of the people mentioned above. Thank you to everyone I have worked with in the past four months. Thank you. 

Now I just need to figure out a way to keep the mojo flowing. After a trip home to recharge my batteries. And a day spent inside watching old sci-fi favorites. 

December 20 - Done

And just like that, I'm an actor looking for a project. 

And happy birthday to the cutest human being alive!

December 19 - Beauty Standards

I found myself deeply saddened on the train today, when I saw a woman who had drawn on fuller lips than what she actually has. She made the little peaks on her top lip bigger by drawing little triangles with her lipstick, to give the appearance of a more heart-shaped mouth and it made me really sad. No, this woman had not taken measures as drastic as some do to make herself "more attractive," but she drew on fake lips because somewhere, at some point in her life, someone made her feel so bad about her thin upper lip that she would prefer to walk around looking (in my estimation) clownish. It made me sad for all of the things that women think they have to do to themselves in order to be attractive or to feel good about themselves. 

I know another woman with a great figure who honestly believes she cannot wear a bikini because she doesn't have ultra-flat six-pack abs. I would kill for her figure, but because her tummy is slightly rounded, she thinks it would be socially abhorrent to wear a bikini. 

Why the fuck do we do these things to ourselves? Why do we nitpick and judge and condemn our bodies if they vary from some arbitrary standard of beauty?

One thing I have noticed since I moved to New York is exactly how beautiful diversity is. The man in a purple mini dress and heels was gorgeous. The teenagers in puffy coats with fabulous weaves were gorgeous. The couple in their seventies exploring the city was gorgeous. There are so many people here, with so many faces and so many skin tones and so many wrinkles and so many blemishes and so many personalities and they are all gorgeous. I wish I could tell that to all of them in a way that they would actually hear it because I would love to live in a world where we all embrace our bodies and where we are all allowed to just be ourselves. 

I know that world is a long way off. But in the meantime, please know that you are gorgeous just as you are. And you know what? I am, too. 

December 18 - Thoughts on the Past

The thing is, everybody thinks, in retrospect, that they weren't cool in high school. Or most people do, anyway. Because looking back on something that happened so long ago with older, wiser eyes, none of us was cool in high school by today's standards. Even with geek chic being in, those of us who were really geeks back in high school suffered because geekdom was not cool back then. Dungeons and Dragons was not mainstream. Only those on the fringe of things knew what Doctor Who was. Indie bands were actually indie. The world was very different when we were in high school, and we were very different people.

I was legitimately not cool in high school. Not in anyone's estimation. There may have been a moment or two when I thought I was verging on coolness, but I quickly found out it was all in my head. I was the epitome of not cool in high school. And it had nothing to do with my having braces or glasses or bad skin. It was who I was. I was on the outskirts of things. I was unknown. I was invisible. If I may, I would like to present a few examples to illustrate my point.

• My high school did a lot for "holiday week," including assembling a troupe of kids who would travel around to the local elementary schools and put on little shows for them. I remembered seeing these performances when I was in elementary school and making a mental note that I would like to do that when I became a high school student. Flash forward to my senior year of high school. I found out that to become part of this performing troupe, one had to fill out and submit an application. I got an application, filled it out, and showed it to a couple of my friends before handing it in, just to get another set of eyes on it. My friends all agreed that it was hysterically funny and encouraged me to turn it it. So I did. And when the list was posted saying who would be part of the traveling troupe, my name was not on it. One of my friends who had read my application was part of the troupe. She told me that she asked the people in charge of putting the group together, very casually, if they had had an opportunity to read mine because she thought it was funny. They apparently replied that they had read mine and it was one of the funniest in the bunch, but as they had not seen me perform before, they were unsure of my performance abilities and didn't think it would be fair to give me an audition and nobody else, so they decided it would be best to not have me be part of the troupe. 
• My very first date in high school, I asked a guy to the Turnabout (read: Sadie Hawkins) dance. The only Homecoming dance I went to, I was asked by that same guy the following year. It was our second date.
• Then there was the whole story of my senior prom.
• I spent an entire Spanish class sitting in a file cabinet in the back of the room while my bookbag was on the floor in the front row next to my empty desk right smack dab in front of the teacher, and she never once inquired as to where I was. I made eye contact with her the following period, too, and she never asked where I was during class.
• I auditioned for exactly one play in high school, and some of my fellow students who saw my audition said it was really good. I was not called back for the play or cast in it, but the kid who auditioned just before me who read the stage directions out loud was. I get it - they needed more boys than girls - but still.
• Not to mention the fact that I've already been to one high school reunion and I think there were two people there who recognized me. I had a lovely time talking to one of them, but in a room full of two hundred or so people, to only even be recognized or acknowledged by 1% of them is a little sad.
• I had a couple of good moments in high school, though they largely had to do with kids from my sister high school with whom I was in the smart kids program. Like when we went to Spain. That was pretty awesome. Until the boy I had a crush on in Spain told me, "You're a great girl, you could just use a little more self-confidence" before he started hooking up with someone else.
• I spent just about my entire high school career wishing that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Or that if I did have to wake up, some horrible physical malady would have overcome me in the night, making it impossible for me to go to school that day. I was miserable. I felt very alone. I felt not only unloved but actively ignored. And I guess I am still somewhat resentful that this portion of my formative years was so horrible.

So with the reunion coming up, it's not a matter of feeling old. It's not that I'm worried that I haven't done anything with myself. I have become a truly amazing, truly wonderful person since leaving high school. I've traveled the world. I've starred in plays and films. I had my own band. I moved to New York and got cast in three plays within my first eighteen days here. I found a group of friends in Chicago who are brilliant and supportive and generous. I've made good connections here in New York, too. I have become the sort of person who other people like being around (for the most part). I am a productive member of society and a talented artist. My hesitation in going to the reunion is wondering whether or not it is worth it to go out of my way to show these people who didn't give a shit about me back then that I'm worth giving a shit about now. It feels like a lot of effort to try to maybe gain the approval of a bunch of people who are more likely in my granfalloon than my karass. It could be gratifying to get their approval or get their attention, but do I really need it? I'm trying to get away from seeking the approval of those I know will never give it. Is going to this reunion going to be a step backward in that process?

There is still time for me to think about all of this before the reunion happens. And it sounds like there is a lot of work for me to do in letting go of this resentment of my past, too.

Happy holidays, kids.

December 17 - Stumped

Discussions have started surrounding my next high school reunion. I'm not even sure where to begin. 

December 16 - Career Goals

I read an article yesterday on Backstage.com talking about how important it is to set real, specific, achievable goals, and how much more likely a person is to achieve those goals if one writes them down. The article was talking in terms of career goals for artists, though it could apply to others as well, and I think it was very well timed for me as we all know I'm starting to freak out a little bit about the third of my three plays coming to an end and I don't have another one lined up yet. But the author talks about taking some time to enjoy the holiday season, enjoy family and friends, stop submitting to auditions and workshops, and suggests making a list of real, specific, achievable career goals for 2015. So here we go. My artistic career goals for 2015:

1. Perform in three projects that I did not create myself. I say projects instead of plays because I would count student films, video projects, etc. in this category, too. In other words, I want to go to at least three auditions that result in someone offering me a role and me accepting that role.
2. Get cast in the sort of role that a reviewer might notice while watching the show. In other words, get cast as a lead or major supporting character instead of background or ensemble. Not that there is anything wrong with ensemble work, but getting cast in a larger role would show some forward momentum in my career and I would like some forward momentum to help me determine whether or not New York is the right city for me.
3. Create a voiceover demo reel. This also means getting myself to a place where I am ready for a demo reel and ready to go out and book jobs.
4. Create a video demo reel. I have lots of footage; it just needs to be compiled properly.
5. Finish one set of play analysis videos. I'm not going to go into too much detail about this one here because I don't want anyone else to take my idea, but I have talked about this project with a few people and they think it is a great idea. I want to get started on this for real with at least one full set.
6. Play at one open mic in New York City. I kind of miss making music. I was good at it. There is still a lot of emotional baggage associated with playing my own music, but I think it is time to work through some of that, so I want to play at an open mic sometime.

What is nice about these goals is that I have complete control over two-thirds of them. The first two, I can only try my best. But the last four I can totally take care of, probably fairly quickly, too. So I will feel like I'm making progress. And if I want to then expand those goals to play more open mics or make more video sets, I can. But I think these are a good place to start. Help keep me focused. Keep my career diversified. Keep working on myself at the same time I'm putting myself out there.

So what are your career goals for 2015?

December 15 - Person

I don't know why I'm so frequently amazed by my own ability to be a person. All of the evidence would suggest that I'm actually quite capable so it shouldn't be that surprising. Yet somehow, I am still amazed that I can manage to do things like move halfway across the country and get my life set up as if I had been here all along. Millions of people do things like this every day. I'm one of them. And from the outside, it probably even looks like I know what I'm doing. 

When did that happen? When did I become this amazing, self-reliant, dependable, responsible person? I don't feel like I'm old enough or experienced enough or prepared enough to do some of the really basic, simple things that I do and have done, but I've done them, so I must be. When did that happen?

December 14 - Holidays

I think we all know I'm not a fan of the holidays. Haven't been for some time. But I have to say, being 800 miles away from most people I know has made this time of year easier for me. Which sounds terrible, and I don't mean it to. I love my family and I love my friends. It wasn't until I talked to my mom today that I started to miss being around my family and friends at this time of year. But the reason I haven't missed them yet or been annoyed with the season is because I haven't been around people planning holiday gatherings. I haven't been talking to people about holiday plans beyond who is going to be away from the office or gone from the apartment. I've not been shopping much in places that play Christmas music. We've not decorated our apartment. So I have pretty successfully managed to avoid my holiday depression triggers that accompany this time of year. Which has, oddly, allowed me to enjoy the little moments of holiday cheer I have experienced. 

I went shopping today in a market that they set up for the holidays. There is a really big Christmas tree, an ice skating rink, festive drinks and food and tons of little shops selling local goods. I got all of my Christmas shopping done in about an hour and a half, because I've also managed to convince myself that just one gift for each person on my list is enough, not three. I came home happy, wanting to wrap presents and pick a cookie to bake when I get to my mom's later this month. 

And then the email came saying I didn't get called back. And the callback I knew I wouldn't get didn't come either. And there was nothing new and interesting to audition for on the websites I check. And tomorrow, I am surrendering my Illinois driver's license to get a New York one. 

I'm ready to be in Chicago for a visit. I'm ready to be with my friends and family for the holidays. 

December 13 - Kickstart

Theatre is not an easy business. As an actor, there is so much more that you have to do beyond all of the stuff that happens once you're on stage, most of which involves trying to make sure you get to be onstage again. Networking, auditioning, branding, building relationships. And especially as an actor entering an already saturated marketplace where nobody knows your name, you have to stay on top of this stuff. Go to every audition you might be right for. Talk to the directors and producers you meet. Chat with fellow actors. You have to build your circle. You have to get your face out there. 

As an introvert, I hate this part of the job. 

Maybe hate is too strong a word. It is not my favorite part of being an actor. It can be exhausting and after a while, it can feel like a chore. But it is so necessary. So necessary. 

Today, I had marked on my calendar that there was an open call audition that I wanted to attend. I spent the eighteen hours leading up to the audition talking myself out of going. I came up with every reason I could think of for why it would be depressing and a waste of my time and why I should ultimately not go. As an open call, nobody would know if I didn't show up because they weren't expecting me in the first place. I couldn't think of something good to wear. With my trip back to Chicago for the holidays, they probably wouldn't cast me because of too many scheduling conflicts. There are only two female characters. I even went so far as to look up the theatre company's past reviews to see the calibre of performance they are known for, which I'm pretty sure makes me a terrible person. But then I remembered that the way I booked the shows I've done in New York so far was by just going in and giving great auditions, whether or not I was likely to be cast. And that regardless of whether or not I'm the right person for this production, there could be some great people to meet in the process. If I go in and give a great audition, they may remember me for next time, even if my schedule is too crazy for this show. And perhaps most importantly, it was a chance to act in front of new people for a minute. 

So I went. And I had a blast. I chatted with some of the other actors, the director and producer were just lovely, and I killed my monologue. I could see that they liked me until they saw my schedule, so I'm not expecting a callback, but it was energizing. I may not be cast, but I got my face out there and I had fun. I call that a win. 

I need to remember days like today for the next time I try to convince myself that staying home and napping is a preferable alternative to going to an open call audition. I just need a little kickstart every now and again. Even if I have to provide it on my own. 

December 12 - Nothing

I have nothing new to say today. I'm at the theatre, about to do a show. Happy it is Friday. 

Enjoy your weekend!