October 27 - Geek

I am the only person on this subway car. All I can think is that I really hope Spike shows up looking like Billy Idol, twirling a length of pipe. 

Yes, I'm a geek. 

March 3 - Old Friends

I sometimes go through self-imposed Doctor Who droughts, where I don't let myself watch any, no matter how tempting, for a certain amount of time. I'm not sure I can explain why. It's sort of a safety mechanism I've developed to help keep myself from getting too sad that I'm not (and likely never will be) on the show, I guess. A reminder that I have to live in this world where the Doctor and the TARDIS are fiction. Sad and pathetic, perhaps, but I'm okay with my droughts. 

And then I break the drought and watch an episode and it's like finding my old friends again. I know so many of the words by heart, but they still make me laugh. I know the stories by heart, and they still move me to tears. It's weird to watch them now that I've been to the Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff and been on the TARDIS set - I'm watching thinking, "I've been there!" It almost makes me think I could really be there someday. 

Hi, Doctor. I've missed you, my friend. 

July 2 - Stuff

I had perhaps the best dream I have ever had last night, and I woke up angry at the fact that I have to walk around and function in this world instead of in my dream world. Honestly, there are times when given a choice, I would rather live in my dreams. Last night was one of those times.

In my dream, I was working with David Tennant. We were shooting a television show (I think) that might have been a sort of cop drama, or it might have been Doctor Who where I was the Doctor and he was my companion, I'm not sure. At one point, I think I saw myself in a mirror wearing my Tenth Doctor suit, though it was somewhat worse for wear, losing color in odd patches on the trousers. Oddly enough, what we were filming wasn't nearly as important to me as how well we worked together. We just clicked. All of the amazing stuff that can happen on stage when you're perfectly in tune with your scene partner and you forget that you had to memorize these lines at one point because it just feels perfectly natural to say them happened in this dream. I felt that "on." If one of us went a little off script, the other one was right there, playing along, making a brilliant scene. I kept up with him brilliantly, though I did feel a little bit like we were confusing or befuddling some of the other actors around us, and that some of the crew had no idea what was going on, but there were going to follow us and keep rolling no matter what because they knew they were capturing magic. It was also the first night in a long time where I didn't wake up twenty minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off, so when my alarm did go off, it startled me out of my dream and pissed me off. So I'm a little grumpy today.

But then I remember that in this world, I have an amazing, adorable, brilliant-beyond-brilliant niece who turns four today, and if I lived in my dreams, I wouldn't get to see her as much or give her hugs. So happy birthday to my favorite four year old. I'll trade David Tennant dreams for a squeeze from you any day.

June 23 - ...And We're Off!

Principle photography for Hamlet: The Series starts today.

Holy fuck.

I have other things that I need to get done today before I show up to the set this afternoon, but all I want to do today is creative stuff. I want to play my guitar and take my time getting ready and practice my lines and just have a freaking day of Hamlet.

I'm nervous and scared and excited and humbled and I think a good cry would do me some good. Which is fortunate, because one of the things we are filming today is a soliloquy that always makes me cry when I say it, so the more I practice, the more I get to cry. Which sounds weird. But I'm freaking nervous, you guys! I'm nervous. I was originally cast in the summer of 2011, and here we are in the summer of 2013, finally getting some of this work down on film. It's been a long road already, and in many ways, it still feels like it's just starting. And before we know it, it will be over and we'll have a finished product to share with the world.

I hope I remember to stay true to me and to stay true to Hamlet and to stay in the moment and to use my words and my actions to effect my scene partner.

I get to be Hamlet today, guys.

I get to be Hamlet.

June 21 - Break Up

Hi.

I think it's time we had a talk.

I know, nobody wants to hear those words, and they mean exactly what you think they mean, but for the sake of my own sanity, I need to say them. I think I need to not see you for a while. This relationship has become painful and unfulfilling and leaves me feeling hollow and useless.

Please don't get me wrong - I did love you once. Long before the masses did. And now when my friends talk about how awesome you are, I can't help but smile to myself that I knew it first. And you are a great communicator - you are very good at letting me know what you need from me. It's right there, written down so I don't forget. What I sometimes feel, though, is that you forget there are things I need from you in order to make those things happen. I feel like my needs are not always met, so we fall into this trap of me trying to get you what you need, you telling me I've failed, me trying harder and failing more and I just end up resenting myself and resenting you. I want off of the roller coaster.

Maybe, in time, we can re-examine our relationship. Things weren't always so rough. In the beginning, my biggest complaint was your terrible taste in music - remember that? And the creepy voices you did sometimes? But I grew to love those things as I grew to love you. And I did love you. Please always know that. I think I just need some time and some space to reset and regroup. Take a step back in order to move forward.

This will not be easy. I've grown accustomed to seeing you every day. You're so colorful and the little bits of encouragement are wonderful when they come. They just don't come very often anymore. I feel it is time for me to take responsibility for my own happiness, and at this time, that doesn't include you.

Oh, Candy Crush Saga, why can't I quit you?

Sincerely,
Kitty

April 22 - A Little Happy

Hi!

Hello? You. Yes, you there.

You.

Right there.

Yes, you.

Hi.

Guess what?

I like you.

Yes, you.

I like you as you are, right here and now.

Have a lovely day and I hope to see you again soon.

April 19 - I Got It

I think I figured it out.

I don't know if I mentioned it in this blog before, but there is a show on Hulu called The Booth at the End which is absolutely brilliant. I love how it is done, I love the characters and their arcs, I love the combination of simplicity and complexity that exists within the show. It's really unlike anything else on television right now and if you haven't watched it, you should. Right now. If you don't have Hulu, sign up for Hulu so you can watch it. It's worth it.

Anyway, the premise of the show is that people ask this man in the booth at the end in a diner for things and he gives them a task that they have to perform in order to get what they want. I don't want to give too much more away because the beauty of the show is in watching that unfold, but the important thing to know is that if you want something, you ask this guy and he tells you how to get it.

So it got me thinking about what I would ask for. What do I want so badly that I would go ask a stranger for help in obtaining it. And I think I finally got it.

I would ask for a higher resting metabolic rate.

I think this would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. It would allow me to eat the way I like to eat without turning into Gilbert Grape's mother, and it would help me stay warmer in general. If I had more natural body heat, I wouldn't be so cold all of the time.

So yes, I would ask for something kind of selfish. Most of the people do. And I don't think there is too much harm in asking for something for oneself. And hopefully in asking for something that really only effects me, the task I would have to perform wouldn't be too unsavory.

So how about it, man in the booth at the end? What task would allow me to get a faster metabolism?

April 18 - Forty-Two

There is a man who turns forty-two today. Actually, I'm sure there are many men (and women) who turn forty-two today, but there is one in particular that I would like to talk about. I've never met him, but his existence holds special significance for me, as does the number forty-two, so I feel like I'm on a bit of a geek overload today.

This particular man gets to spend his forty second birthday filming the fiftieth anniversary episode of Doctor Who. If there is a geek Nirvana, that would be it.

Like I said, I've never met this man, and am therefore acutely aware of the fact that his significance to me could be considered really weird and creepy. This is partially why I'm posting about him here on my blog which he will likely never see as opposed to jumping on the Tumblr bandwagon or whatever. I don't want to come off as some crazy stalker fan with crazy expectations of meeting him someday or anything like that. I just want to try to put into words what his art means to me.

Because it is that - his art - that means the most to me. Don't get me wrong - by all accounts, he's a really nice guy and given the opportunity, I'd love to chat with him. Everyone I know who has met him says he is absolutely lovely. Whenever I see him interviewed, he is charming and intelligent and witty and fun. He seems like the sort who knows how lucky he is to do what he does and it seems like he treasures every moment of it. He also comes across as very well-balanced. He does not have his own Facebook or Twitter accounts, and he does not talk much about his personal life with the press. It seems to me like he has learned how to be an actor in the public eye without losing his right to privacy as a human being.

But his acting... I am drawn to him particularly because of the energy he pours into every project he does. Sometimes it's a bit much (like in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire), but even when he is not stellar (which he is most of the time), he is fearless. He is present. He is invested. And he is so good in so many things. His Hamlet is brilliant. I've never seen him creepier than in Secret Smile. I think everyone who saw The Decoy Bride fell in love with him just a little bit. When some of my girl friends saw him for the first time in Fright Night, they said they completely understood my love and admiration for this man. There is even a silent short film called Traffic Warden where he's helping this woman get her goldfish back into water wherein he is so charming and delightful. At a time when being disconnected and apathetic is trendy, it is refreshing and brilliant to watch an actor who is invested, who is involved, who actually loves doing what he gets to do on a daily basis. And this brilliance is magnified by the fact that he happens to be a nice person who others enjoy working with at the same time. He did not have to choose between being nice and being talented - he has managed to do both. For that, I applaud him. Because of that, I look to him as an inspiration for who I want to be as a performer and what sort of career I would like to have.

(Side note: I'm not crazy person who wants to be him, but I am inspired by him to find my voice as a performer and mold my career into something I can be proud of from all viewpoints.)

So today, on his forty second birthday, when much of the internet is saying that he is now officially the answer to life, the universe, and everything, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you, David Tennant, for... Just thank you. I hope I get to work with you someday, and if I ever have that opportunity, I hope I am able to keep up. If I don't, I hope you get to see my Hamlet someday and I hope it makes you smile.

Happy birthday, David Tennant, and here is to many, many more.

April 16 - A Poem

Roses are red
The TARDIS is blue
This blog is a cop out
I had lots to do

I thought about writing
A post on a song
But it's getting late
And that'd be long

Tonight is a poem
(The first line is borrowed)
I promise you all
I'll write better tomorrow

April 8 - Opening Day

Many of the things I have loved most in my life were things I found on my own at just the right time, not things that were recommended to me by friends. That is not to say I don't enjoy recommendations, but the things that stick with me the longest, that mean the most, are the things I found on my own.

I remember listening to a lot of spring training games on the radio, what was that, five years ago? I love baseball - I grew up listening to and watching Cubs games whenever I could, so the hum of 40,000 people in a ball park, the crack of the bat, the pop when a strike hits the catcher's glove are all comforting sounds to me. And a few years ago (maybe five maybe six?), I found myself needing that kind of comfort, so I listened to a lot of spring training games. Often times, they were just background noise - when there's not a lot going on in the game, it's nice to just have the sound of the field on the side of your auditory palette. That particular year, I remember my attention snapping back to the game more often than not when some player named Mark DeRosa was involved in the play. I had no idea where this DeRosa guy came from or what he looked like or what his career stats were, but I decided over the course of those spring training games that he was someone I should pay attention to, and someone I wanted to cheer for. He wasn't a big name, big contract guy like a Soriano or a Fukodome. He wasn't the sort where half the fans at Wrigley on opening day would be wearing his jersey, but he played well, he played consistently. I found out later when I got a chance to watch a regular season game on television that he was also rather nice to look at. For a while, he wrote weekly blogs for the Cubs website, which were witty and funny and insightful, but not in the "well, we're nine guys out there on the field together trying to win games, you know, so you just gotta go out there and give it your best and hope things work out" kind of a way. He was known for having great energy in the dugout, and in his two years with the Cubs, he played seven of the nine defensive positions. He was the ultimate utility man, and I adored him. Adored him.

DeRosa was traded on New Year's Eve in 2008 and after stints with the Indians, Giants, Cardinals, and Nationals, he is now a Blue Jay. He's got one home run on the season so far, but has never played as well as he played with the Cubs. Mark DeRosa is that Cubs player who I found on my own, loved dearly, and will always sort of keep an eye out for while he is in the major leagues.

As the Cubs open another season at Wrigley Field today, I can't help but miss DeRo. DeRo, Chicago misses you. Please come home.

And maybe learn to pitch so you can school Marmol on how it's done.

Thanks!

April 6 - All Better

Acting makes everything better.

I've been thinking about it all day, trying to figure out what it is about acting that makes everything better and I don't know that I have the words to explain it. What I do know is this: I've been having a fairly rough go of it lately in my daily life. Not as rough as some, I know; probably not even as rough as most. But rough enough that I find myself angry and frustrated just about every day about something I either shouldn't have to deal with or something that shouldn't make me angry and frustrated. I had a moment this morning before rehearsal when I was so angry, I found myself pacing around my apartment trying to figure out some way to vent my anger without being destructive. And just like that, I go to rehearsal, read through some scenes, talk about relationships, high-five a co-star who also loves David Tennant, pretend to stab Polonius and Claudius, and once again, everything is right with the world.

So what is it? Is it the communication? Is it the collaboration? Is it the emotions? Is it the connections? Is it the sharing of an artistic process with other artists? I have no idea. Yes. All of the above. And then some other things, too.

Whatever else happens in my life, please let me be lucky enough to always be acting. Acting makes everything better. Please let me be lucky enough to always be acting.

April 2 - Spring

Spring is a really weird time of year for me. I love that the world starts waking up again, things turn green, the weather gets warmer, blah, blah, blah, but there are a lot of really odd and/or negative emotions that come with springtime, too. Even when it's not Springtime for Hitler. And Germany.

I love that the weather is getting milder. But I think we have all figured out by now that I hate being cold more than just about anything. Living in an apartment in Chicago, I do not have control over the heat in my apartment - I am at the whims of the radiator system that has been set up in my building. If the temperature outside is below 55 degrees Fahrenheit (about 13 Celsius for our friends across the pond), the heat comes on. If it is above 55, the heat does not come on. Sounds simple, right? Except when the outdoor temperature hovers between 55-60 during the day and at night, which it often does for a week or so at a time in Chicago during the spring. Then the heat doesn't come on at all for a week or so at a time, but the outdoor air temperature isn't quite high enough to heat the apartment on it's own, so it just gets cold inside. I know I should love spring with the increased sunshine and lovely, mild temperatures, but I always wind up colder than I'd like to be. I'd be fine with fast forwarding to summer.

I love that there is more to do in the city in the spring and summer. But I often find myself wishing I had a special someone to go do those things with. Until I remember, I'm rubbish in romantic relationships. I honestly am. Now, this is not to say I couldn't make a good girlfriend - I think I have shown glimmers of being a good girlfriend in the past (for the twenty minutes of my life I've had a boyfriend). I always find myself in a position, though, of having to balance boyfriend with the rest of my life - theater, various training exercises (roller skating, fencing, etc.), family, friends, work, my general introvertedness - and boyfriend always ends up losing. I keep thinking that when I meet the right guy, I'll want to give up some of my introvertedness to be with him, but maybe that's an incorrect assumption. Maybe I'll need to make a conscious choice to give that up for him. And honestly, that thought freaks me out. I treasure my alone time. Treasure it. I stay sane by not interacting with other humans for a couple hours every day. So I find myself in that really odd position of wanting someone around I can smooch from time to time and knowing that if I had someone like that, I'd be miserable.

Springtime also excites me because it's dress weather! I hate wearing tights and pantyhose, so I love it when I can wear a dress without the additional eight pounds of undergarments. But since I've been sitting inside most of the winter, I feel kind of gross. I'd like to show off a little leg or a little arm, but feel like perhaps I would be doing the world a favor if I kept all of that covered. This has been particularly weird lately, to the point where I don't trust mirrors. In my mind's eye, I am about a size 82 and always look greasy and tired. In the mirror, I look kind of cute and not nearly a size 82. The mind's eye thing makes it a little weird to go try to find a guy to smooch every now and again, too. So I sort of feel like I'm wearing dresses in spite of what society is telling me I should wear, instead of for the joy of being a little girly.

So hooray for baseball and warmer weather and fun things to do, but weirdness abounds as well. Meaning if I seem a little off, or do things that seem out of character, it's because it's spring and I don't know how to act otherwise. Anyway, gotta run to catch a bus. Talk to you tomorrow!

April 1 - He's Back!

Rabbit rabbit!

Happy April Fool's Day!

Okay, though, this blog is not a joke. I'm not trying to fool anyone, I'm not messing with you, this is one I started composing in my head last night that just happens to be published on April 1. I promise, I am not kidding. Though there may be spoilers, so if you want to stop reading now, I'll completely understand.

My Doctor is back.

I'm caught up on Doctor Who - I finally watched the Christmas episode and I saw the first episode of the second half of Series 7 and I have to say, I breathed a giant sigh of relief. I feel (almost) like my Doctor is back. So much of what I have been missing about the show has returned. So much, in fact, that I'm willing to overlook a few silly things that kind of bother me, but whatever. I'll get to that in a minute.

Kidding, I'll get to that part right now. I don't like the new TARDIS control room. Yes, it is a bit of a throwback to, say, the 4th Doctor days, looking more industrial/art deco, but it has removed any and all traces of the TARDIS as a living thing. I would have hoped that after The Doctor's Wife, we would be more in tune with the TARDIS as a living thing, but I guess not. Oh well. I'm also not a fan of the Doctor's new coat. I don't think this Doctor has the panache to pull off a coat of that length and twirliness. And as much as I thought his catch phrase of "Geronimo" was silly and forced, I think his seemingly new catch phrase of "Shut up" is worse. "Shut up" is the mark of a slow mind that is easily flustered. "Shut up" is what you say when you've lost (either the argument or your temper) and can't think of a better way out of the situation. The Doctor is better than that. He's too clever for that.

BUT...and I cannot stress enough how big of a but this is...the Doctor loves Clara. He's not IN love with her (not yet, anyway) the way he was with Rose, but he loves her. He cares about her. He chose her. He was more invested in Clara by the halfway point of the Christmas episode than he ever was in Amy. I don't know if it is the writing or if Matt Smith grew as an actor, but the love in his face when he looked at Clara was absolutely gorgeous. That, just that, is what I have been missing for the past two and a half seasons. I don't really care why they decided he should become a hermit after losing the Ponds (who he totally could go find if he gave a shit about them), and I really don't mind the spiral staircase that seemed to twirl both ways as it led up into the clouds, and I am willing to look past the still somewhat simplistic resolutions to the storylines because the Doctor cares about something. He has connected to his companion. I think Doctor Who has lasted as long as it has because even though it is about an alien, it has been a show about the characters - the difficult decisions they have to make, the joys they share together, the wonder with which they get to see the universe. Bringing back a companion with whom the Doctor connects brings us back to stories about characters. When he connects to his companion, we connect to him, and the whole world of the show is open to us.

I really enjoy Clara, too. I'm interested to see where they're going with her - what is she? Is she Kenny from South Park in a much prettier package? Is it going to be some weird Doctor Who/Orphan Black crossover like my friend thought when he saw the trailer for one immediately after the other? But most of all, I like her because she is curious, she is smart, she is clever, she is sassy and sexy without being slutty, and she can keep up with the Doctor. Really keep up with him, not just shoot little insulting comebacks at him.

So for the first time since David Tennant gave up the role, I am looking forward to new episodes of Doctor Who. My show is back. And baseball is back. Though I'm guessing the Cubs will be a disappointment again this year, but at least I can see potential in Doctor Who again, so there's that.

My Doctor is back.

March 22 - Friday Night

I must really be a grown up now - I'm spending my Friday evening using my tax refund to pay down my car loan. If I decide I'm feeling really saucy, I might venture out for an iced tea.

Watch out, Lohan, here comes your competition.

March 15 - Tips

If you are driving, and approaching an intersection, and there is not enough space on the other side of the intersection for your car, DO NOT GO THROUGH THE INTERSECTION.

I cannot stress this enough. If there is no space for you, I don't care what color the light is, don't go.

As much as we would like to think driving is a personal experience, it is not. It is a shared experience. As a driver, you have to share the road with other cars, bicyclists, pedestrians, construction crews, and occasionally wildlife. The best way to keep things running smoothly for everyone is if everyone works together to keep things running smoothly. This means if there is no space for you, don't go. If you go, you'll end up filling space that should rightfully go to someone else, so they'll honk and get irritated and the people in front of you will try to inch up because they feel bad that you're being a dick but they've go nowhere to go so they get impatient, or you'll move into the bike lane preventing cyclists from going on about their day and they'll yell nasty epithets at you, and the people in the houses and businesses around the intersection will have to listen to the honking and the yelling which disrupts their day, so really all you're doing by going through the intersection when there is no space for you on the other side is being a dick. And as our beloved Wil Wheaton says, "Don't be a dick."

So listen to Wil Wheaton* and the transitive property. If you go through an intersection when there is no space for you on the other side, you fuck things up for everyone else; fucking things up for everyone else is something a dick would do; so by going through an intersection when there is no space for you on the other side you're being a dick. Q.E.D.

Don't be a dick. Wait until there is space before you proceed.

*This message has not been endorsed or approved by Wil Wheaton in any way.

March 14 - Pi Pie

Happy Pi Day!

My cup-pies (if I can borrow the phrase from Pushing Daisies) turned out thusly. I learned that if you're making mini pies, the ratio of crust to filling dictates you should only make about half of a filling recipe. Pie crust dough does not take to multiple rollings out as nicely as sugar cookie dough, but it is not terrible, either. And I probably should have used the lime juice instead of second guessing myself on the tangy element.

But all in all, they're tasty little pies. They go well with ice cream. The crust is flaky and delicious, and the blackberry color is amazing. I think this pie would get me into the next challenge, though it would not be the winning pie.

Then again, is any pie ever really a losing pie? It's pie, for crying out loud!

Happy Pi Day!

March 13 - Experimenting

So I'm experimenting with pie this evening. Tomorrow is the geeky favorite holiday, Pi Day, because on this side of the pond, we write the date 3/14. So I thought I would make pie to celebrate, with the ventilation holes cut in the shape of the Pi symbol. Geeky, right?

I'm putting way too much thought into this and way too much pressure on myself. I think I've decided to do cup-pies (like cupcakes, but pie), and I'm adapting a filling recipe in a couple different ways (different tangy elements, different sugars) and I'm freaking myself out because oh my god what if I don't make the world's best pie and what if the filling is too sweet and what if I cook them too long cuz they're mini-sized and the recipe is for full sized pie and AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

When the truth of the matter is, it's pie. That I may or may not share with other people. And I like sweet things. If they're awful, I don't have to eat them. And I can change my mind and just make one large pie if I want to. I think I've made a strong berry choice, I know the crust is good (I've used this recipe before), and I got vanilla ice cream to drown out any imperfections.

I think I've been watching too much Project Runway.