Casual Intimacy

A couple of weeks ago, I was lucky enough to see one of my favorite musicians play a free show in a little bar in Brooklyn. It was exactly what I needed just then to reinforce my faith in my badassery. I saw on Twitter that he was going to be out and about, so I emailed him to find out where. He responded within an hour and I made a plan to get to the show come hell or high water. It was a great show. He played so many of the songs I needed to hear, and it was just him with a guitar, which was lovely. Not that I don't like his band - I do, very much - but the intimacy of a solo acoustic show in a little divey hipster bar in Williamsburg...it was perfect. After the show, he was outside smoking a cigarette and talking to fans and I managed to grab him for my daily selfie. He put his arm around me, leaned into the picture, and when we went to let go, he very casually kissed the top of my head before walking away to talk to someone else. To be clear, I'm not insinuating that this meant anything. If you asked him, he wouldn't even know he had done it, in part because he was very drunk, and in part because it was as natural a motion to him as blinking. You've got your arm around a friend who is shorter than you, and when you let go, you first give a little squeeze and kiss them on the top of the head. It's an easy target and a common motion. For me, it was kind of a surreal moment. To meet this man and be treated like, I don't know what, an equal? A person? It was lovely. I know it meant nothing to him, but from my end, it was lovely. And lately, when I have been feeling stressed and sad, I just remember that one time when Frank Turner kissed the top of my head and it makes me smile. 

See, the last man who I tried to date also had this habit of kissing the top of my head, or my forehead, or my cheek, when we were out and about. With him, it was a different kind of intimacy, an acknowledgment that right then, in that moment, I was his and he was happy to have me there. Yes, it had a smattering of Jeff Winger patting Annie on the head, but it was sweet. It was different from other men I've tried dating. It was, to me, an almost more intimate gesture than a "larger" display of affection would have been. And if we're being completely honest here, it might be what I miss most now that I don't see him anymore. We did not part on bad terms - it just fizzled because of insane schedules - so when I remember the nice things, they do make me ache a little bit. And what I miss most is the little stuff. The beautiful, tiny, casual intimacy that a kiss on the top of the head can be. 

I will find the little intimacies again; it just takes time to find the right people in a new city. But if Frank Turner can kiss me on the top of the head, there has to be someone else in this city of eight million people who will, too. Right?

October 14 - Disinterested

It didn't occur to me until after I picked today's blog topic, but today would have been my parents' wedding anniversary. Which will be funnier to you when you know what I want to talk about today. 

I think I may have given up on the desire to be in a romantic relationship. 

This is not a sad thing to me, nor a loss. I actually find it kind of freeing to honestly not care about actively pursuing a relationship. Now, it's true that this feeling may change over time and I may once again find myself pining for an imaginary boyfriend. But right now, I really don't want one and I am very happy not having one. 

If we think about this, it makes a lot of sense. I'm always miserable in relationships and find myself looking for a way out as quick as I found a way in. I always pursue the wrong sort of guy. Romantic relationships just aren't my thing. Never have been. So why do I keep trying to force myself into one?

There is also the fact that I am insanely busy. I have a lot on my plate as I've just gone through a very big life change and I'm still adjusting to my new life in a lot of ways. Looking for a relationship on top of everything else is just too much. A stress I don't need or want. And as odd as it may sound, I'm fine with removing that stress from my plate entirely. 

The lovely side effect of deciding I don't need or want a relationship, though, is being able to interact with everyone around me on a very human level. I'm not flirting with an endgame in mind, I'm just talking. I'm not playing the game of "should I call or should I text," I'm just talking. I'm not secretly sizing people up to see if they'd be a suitable partner, I'm just getting to know people. It's wonderful. Wooooon-derful, as my mom and her family would say. 

So yeah. I've given up wanting a romantic relationship and I am thrilled with this decision. 

Which means I will probably meet my life partner in the next two weeks. Such is life. 

June 19 - Thoughts on Relationships

I am not a relationship expert. We all know this. I thought it important to reiterate, though.

Okay, now that that is out of the way, on to the title of this post, thoughts on relationships. I've read a couple of articles and blog posts recently about how to land a man (presuming one is female and interested in a relationship with a man) and how being single is awesome (until you find a man) and what one has to do to oneself in order to find a man and frankly, I kind of want to hit someone at this point.

There is no magic formula that will find you a boyfriend. Even the people who dedicate ridiculous amounts of time to figuring out the algorithms on OKCupid and other dating sites don't have a magic formula that will find you a boyfriend. They may have found something that helped find them one, but that does not mean that will work for you.

Because here's the thing - we're all just people. And we're all different. The things that you are looking for in a man are different to the things your best girl friend is looking for in a man, yes? Maybe some things overlap, but there are probably some standout differences that mean her perfect husband is not your perfect husband and vice versa. And guess what? Every man is looking for something different, too. Sure, you may have had a boyfriend who thought you were too needy, but maybe the guy you met at volleyball practice last week likes someone who is more attentive. It is the same quality in you, just viewed through two different sets of eyes. Because believe it or not, men are people, too, and they have individual brains and individual sets of wants and needs. Hard to believe, right? But it is true. Believe me.

So why haven't you found someone yet? Because you haven't met someone who is looking at you with the right eyes yet. That sounds overly simplistic and like some stupid soundbite that someone is going to crochet onto a wall sampler, doesn't it? Please don't. I think there is a grain of truth in there somewhere, though. The really amazing, long-lasting, special relationships I have seen are between people who just get each other. If they disagree, they work on it. It is a conscious choice on behalf of both of them to stay in the relationship and make it work. Because they are looking at each other from the right perspective - the perspective that suits the partnership best.

Wow, words are not my friends today.

I don't think that in order to find a boyfriend you should suppress your enthusiasm, or change your hairstyle, or be someone in bed other than who you are comfortable being. I do think that in order to find a boyfriend you have to know who you are, be comfortable with who you are, and then be who you are. Someone will think you are the most amazing person they have ever met because to them, you are. And yes, you'll meet a lot of people along the way who don't share that opinion, but I think that is rooted more in their perspective on things than on something you are doing "right" or "wrong."

As I'm thinking about this and how it pertains to my own life of singleness, I'm realizing that my whole attitude toward finding a relationship has changed a lot. I am fine if I am not in a relationship. I have been fine with not being in a relationship for quite some time; that bit hasn't changed. But it means that if I find someone I like and I pursue him in the manner that feels right to me for the situation and he is not receptive, I've not really lost anything. There is nothing essential in my life that hinges on me having a boyfriend. If I meet someone I like and he doesn't like me, I am in the same exact position I was of being absolutely fine. However, if I take the chance on pursuing someone I like and he does like me and the way I go about pursuing him, then I'm that much closer to finding someone who is looking at me the right way. And that much closer to finding someone around whom I can just be me - this amazing, smart, silly, loving, introverted, passionate person. I have to believe that if I start something under false pretenses, it will only fizzle. If I start something from a place of honesty, it can only grow from there. Right?

Maybe?

Just a thought.

June 1 - Chatting in a Particular Direction

So I mentioned that I had an event last night, and overall, it went better than I thought it would. But as I was chatted up by two different men in the course of the evening, a few "chat up" tips occurred to me that I thought I might share with you, my three readers, just in case you are curious. 

1) The easiest way to show someone you are interested in getting to know them is to ask them questions about themself. This occurred to me as one gentleman I talked to asked questions about TV shows and movies I liked, music I listened to, stuff like that. The other gentleman told me plenty of stories about himself and his life and asked me absolutely no questions about mine. Granted, the second guy was drunker than the first, while I was sober, so I may have just noticed it more, or maybe people just get more self-centered when they get drunk. But while the first encounter was more of a conversation, the second was a story-telling session with me stuck between two chairs looking for a way to get out. So remember when you are chatting someone up, the question, "And you?" is your best friend. 

2) If you really want to show interest in someone, listen to them. If the object of your affection is asking you about your philosophy, or your tattoos, or your drink choice, follow that line of conversation. If she's asking about your tattoos, ask about hers, or ask what she would get if she has none. If he's curious about your beer, ask what beer he prefers. People tend to seek out similarities in people they've just met, so if he's asking about your favorite band, it's quite possibly because music is important to him. If music isn't important to you, you can pick up on something he says about why he likes a certain band and steer the conversation to an agreeable middle ground. I know, I know, it sounds complicated, but it's really not. In order to talk to someone, you need to listen to them as well. 

3) If the person you are chatting up starts fidgeting, looking around the room, and glazing over, it is likely because you have failed to do either of the things mentioned above within a reasonable amount of time. The easiest way to fix this is to ask them a question about themself, though if it has been forty-five minutes of just you talking, it is probably too late. 

4) If the person you are chatting up is female and you are trying to think of something to ask her about herself to keep the conversation going, avoid, "So, have you always been this hot?" at all costs. And while honest compliments are nice, questions about what she is doing with her life or what she wants to do with her life will make her feel more important and desired than telling her she has pretty hair. 

I hope these tips have been helpful and will lead you to many pleasant chats in the future!

May 22 - To My Future Husband

I have several guy friends who have written blog posts to their future wives, talking about what they hope and dream and making promises for what their lives together will be when they finally meet and fall in love. I even have one guy friend who set up a website taking applications from women who would like to be his wife someday. And I came to a realization today about what I am currently finding ridiculously attractive in men, so I thought I would write a little note to my future husband. If I ever meet him. Or something. This may be terrible; please bear with me. 

To my Future Husband:

Thank you. It amazes me every day that you have managed to hang in there through my highs and lows and ups and downs. I know there are those who would rather avoid extreme emotions in favor of a steady calm, but we're not middle of the road people. We fight. We love. We share. We celebrate. We rage. And I think another man would have turned around and run away by now, so thank you for not doing that. 

In return, I promise to always be honest with you. I promise to face my fear of vulnerability and weakness so we can grow closer. I promise to never judge your weaknesses, but to hold your hand as we deal with the low moments together. I promise to encourage your silliness and celebrate your joys. I promise I will never tire of your adorableness if you promise to never hide it from me. I promise to maintain a healthy physical relationship that includes the appropriate amount of space, both physical and emotional. I promise to let you geek out in my general direction about whatever you want to geek out about, and I promise to at the very least try to enjoy those things with you that you would like to share with me. I promise to not get squidgey when you need time with your guy friends, or with other people who are not me. 

My dear, future husband. I hope you know I find you most attractive when you are doing what you love, so I hope you don't feel the need to hide those things from me. I love when you play with our kids, and I love you for throwing all dignity aside to make them smile. And I love that through all of this, you still surprise me and challenge me and excite me. Thank you for letting me be part of your life, and for taking the time to be part of mine. 

To many, many happy years together!

Your Future Wife

March 6 - Relationships

I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately, for various reasons. I've been talking about them with a girl friend of mine, I've been listening to my old songs and remembering why I wrote them, and I've been on three dates in the last month. So put these all together, mix them around in the head of an over-analytic introvert and voila! I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately.

Please note: I am not a relationship expert. I have no real wisdom to share, just blathering to do and questions to ask.

One of the songs I wrote oh so many years ago is about running into a past love way after the fact and really having nothing left to say to that person. It was inspired by an obsession I had that I had to get over on my own because he vanished from my life for a long period of time. When I wrote it, I thought it was kind of self-indulgent and possibly even masturbatory, but in retrospect, it needed to be written and it's actually kind of pretty. But I find myself with this song stuck in my head quite a lot lately as I go on dates with new people and find myself thinking about the last person with whom I tried to have a relationship. It was sort of a "burn bright for short bursts" thing with very little staying power in the interim, and because of that lack of staying power, it fizzled and died. Nothing dramatic. Nothing exciting. No hard feelings, I don't think. It just didn't work out. But I've also not really had a postmortem with this person, so as I go on dates with new people, I find myself remembering how bright we burned when we did burn and it makes me sad that a) I'm not finding that with these new people yet and b) it didn't work out with the last one. I find myself remembering silly things like the way a t-shirt hung on his shoulders, or how easy conversation was, or how we could talk about anything right up until the time we decided we should be able to talk about everything. And I know I'm romanticizing and over-simplifying, but I think that is part of the process.

In dating new people, I'm also re-learning kind of exactly why I don't like dating in the first place. As much as I don't like to subscribe to various dating rules (how long before you can call or text, what you should talk about, what you shouldn't talk about, etc.), other people still do. I can't fault them for that - they are at different places in their lives than I am and have come to different conclusions, or they are still figuring things out - but I do find it a little bit frustrating. I want to talk about all of the things. I want to ask all of the questions, and I want to be asked all of the questions. I want my assertions to be challenged so I have to back-up my points of view. I want to be inspired by someone. I want to feel passionate about someone. And I know these feelings sometimes grow over time, but there is part of me that really wants to be bowled over from the get-go.

So the question my girl friend presented today is essentially, "Why do we do this if it causes so much anxiety? Isn't there another way to go about finding a life partner (without resorting to arranged marriages)?" I've kind of known for a long time that if I ever do get married, I want to do things a little differently. I don't need the bridal shower and the bachelorette party and the big ordeal in a church with dull chicken served in a hotel ballroom afterward. While a lot of traditional weddings like that are really nice (I've been to more beautiful weddings than I can count), that's not really me. So why does the traditional dating process have to apply to me? And/or why am I trying to make myself fit into that world?

I guess it's because I'm not sure what the alternative is. How does one get to know someone else intimately without some sort of courtship rituals? And secondary to that is how did I get over a lost relationship last time without help from the other party? Because I think I need to do that before I'll be able to really enjoy getting to know somebody new. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

January 24 - Break Up

Hi. 

This is kind of long overdue. Don't act like you didn't see it coming - we've been drifting apart for quite some time now. I know you've noticed. Every time I check in, I have more and more to catch up on before we can get to the usual frustrations. Me trying the same old things, you not playing along. Me trying new methods, you teasing me with a shred of hope that is quickly, expertly dashed. Me thinking that throwing money at the situation will make things better, but it never does. Not really. It's a temporary fix at best. It's time. I think we both know that. 

Why now? Why not before? Well, to be honest, I've found something new. Similar to you in a lot of ways, but newer, fresher, more cooperative. If that makes me a bad person, I can live with that. I know this relationship is going to end badly, too, but in the short term, I like how it makes me feel. I like the instant gratification and sense of accomplishment. I like feeling like I'm making progress and not stuck in some stupid rut for weeks on end. And the silly little dog that pops up to wiggle his hips every time I get a Pepper Panic is so dumb, so dumb, I just have to keep coming back. 

Yes, I was drawn to your horrible music at first, and the super creepy voice. Something about these absolutely horrible elements kept me coming back for more. Like I was punishing myself for who knows what. And I can see that in my love for the hip-wagging dog; I know this is going to end badly and I know I'm punishing myself all over again, but...I can't help it. I'm hooked. 

This has nothing to do with your attempts to trademark everyday words, preventing others from using them. Yes, I think that is dickish, even knowing what I do about intellectual property and branding. My new obsession uses your words and is in fact made by the same company. I'm sorry if that makes it hurt more. 

I'm not sure what else there is to say. I may be back someday, when I'm feeling nostalgic. But, Candy Crush Saga, I think we need to play other games for a little while. You're just not fun anymore. We had some good times, but you are now simply an exercise in frustration for me. I don't need that in my life right now. 

Take care of yourself. I hope that Dreamland bit works out well for you. I know you'll be fine - you have lots of other players. Thank you for the good times. It's just time for a break. 

Sincerely, 

Kitty

January 14 - Marriage

I overheard the story the other day of a young woman who was with a man for five years and rather than propose to her, he dumped her. They had moved to a new city together, she felt like she had given up a lot for him, and apparently he even had the ring with which to propose. But in the end, he didn't go through with it and ended the relationship instead, leaving her kind of shattered and she moved back home with her parents. What struck me about her story was not the heartbreak (because obviously I'm heartless), but her word choice in describing the situation. She said he had the ring and had "promised" he was going to propose. She said it a couple of times - he promised that he would propose, but in the end, he didn't.

That word, "promise," kind of rang in my ears for a while and made me think about their relationship. Granted, I do not really know this woman - I've only been aware of her existence for a week or so and we've never really chatted - so I could be completely wrong in the assumptions I made based on that word "promise." And it is also entirely possible that she is not as conscious of her conversational word choice as I am, or as a playwright is, so there may not have been any nefarious meaning behind the word at all. But it stuck in my head and made me wonder. If you are in a relationship with someone who "promises" to propose, it almost sounds like he or she doesn't really want to propose in the first place, but that it is something you have talked them into, like taking out the trash or doing the dishes. It sounds like something they will do for your sake, even though they're not really psyched about it.

Like I said, I don't know the actual situation in which this woman was involved. Maybe her ex-boyfriend was psyched about marrying her at one point, and then things changed so he ended it. But if he spent five years not marrying her, saying he would propose at some point, I can't help but think that as painful as the breakup was, he might have been doing her a favor. My heart went out to her, of course - she's young and kind of broken by the event. Maybe it was a good thing, though, that she not spend her life with a man who didn't really want to be tied to her.

I hope that if I ever get married someday, that my partner will want to marry me as much as I want to marry him. I hope we're both giddy with excitement about spending the rest of our lives together. And in the pursuit of that, I find myself thinking long and hard about some of the men who are currently flirting with me. If they can't be bothered to put in the effort, to let me know they even enjoy my company, they're not worth my time. I deserve someone who wants to be with me, just as this woman deserves someone who really wants to be with her. Is that really so much to ask?

October 31 - Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!

I love Halloween. Always have. I like playing dress up and having fun, so what's not to like, right? I wore my Tenth Doctor suit to work today and am the only one in the office in the holiday spirit. Oh well. I think I managed to scare the guy at the sandwich shop, though, with the depths of my nerdery. So that's a good thing.

But anyway, moving on. You know when you can start to feel a crush coming on? You've met someone who sort of strikes your fancy, but maybe you're not looking for anything at the moment or the object of your growing crush is already spoken for or whatever so you're trying not to have a crush, but you kind of can't help it and you feel one coming on anyway? So you look the person up online to try to find something about them that you just can't deal with so you won't have to develop a full-on crush, but maybe the things you find make you like the person just a wee bit more. And you start thinking about the next time you are going to see said person, and you parse out your last conversation with said person for some sort of hidden meaning that might indicate that he or she is starting to develop a crush on you, too, and you start beating yourself up thinking, "Just talk to the person, gosh darn it! Use your words!" But somehow, the words all sound dumb. And you think maybe if you had an email address, you could craft what you wanted to say so that it didn't sound completely moronic, and you might even be able to infuse the message with some wit and charm so that if said person is starting to develop a crush on you, he or she might be pushed over the edge by your message? But you also want to keep things light so you can always fall back on the, "I'm not looking for anything; I just think we would make good friends" excuse to cover your ass if he or she is not interested. Or maybe all that is necessary is taking that one simple step to say "hi" when they're not expecting you to, but if you send an email that just says, "Hi," then you're officially an internet creeper which is the last thing you want them to think that you are even though you now know all sorts of intimate details of this person's life because you spent what should have been a full, productive work day reading his or her blog posts from the past ten years?

I'm thinking about sending an email.

September 4 - One of Two

Okay, one of two things needs to happen here. Either

1. I need to train myself to only develop crushes on men who it is appropriate for me to have crushes on, or 
2. I need to train myself to always know that my crushes are just crushes and nothing will ever come of them.

You thought this was going to be the first of a two-part blog, didn't you? Sorry about that. Make that the third thing to put on my list - I need to train myself to title my blogs more appropriately. But back to the subject at hand.

I did not add "stop having crushes all together" to the list because honestly, I like having crushes. I feel a little weird if I don't have a crush on anyone. Like when I found out my favorite actor was getting married so I had to sort of tone it down in my own mind and realize that even if we do meet someday, the most I can ever hope for is working with him, I didn't really have anyone else on whom to focus my affections and I felt a little empty. Granted, he did not know he was the focal point of my affections, and (I would like to think) many of my crushes never do. My affections usually amount to me thinking about someone and hoping they are having a lovely day. I'm serious. I don't turn into crazy obsessed stalker, I just hope the person I have a crush on is having a lovely day. Eventually, I realize that he's having a lovely day with out me just about every day and my expending this energy hoping he's happy is really getting me nowhere, so I give up and find a new crush. It is a very self-contained process that just gives me someone to think about on occasion.

My goodness, I sound like a lunatic, don't I?

But to me, that's what crushes are. These little periods of time when I think a certain person is particularly groovy so I hope good things come to that person. That's it.

Where it becomes problematic is when the person on whom I have a crush is not the sort of person on whom I should have a crush. For example, he's married, or he's fifteen years outside of my age range, or he lives on the opposite side of the planet. Granted all of these things are things that may not seem like a big deal to other people (except hopefully the married one), but to me, they mean that nothing will ever come of my crush beyond the crushing realization that my affections will never be reciprocated.

So how do I balance the desire to have a crush with the desire to avoid wasting all of my energy on people who are really groovy but will never be my life partner? It boils down to two choices - either I train myself to not develop crushes on inappropriate people, or I train myself to know that these little crushes are just little crushes from which nothing further will develop.

Knowing me, I should aim for the second. Because no matter how many times I tell myself I shouldn't like the 48 year old on the other side of the planet, sometimes he's just so cute, I can't help it.

August 13 - Desires

I was thinking today about what people think they want, or say they want, versus what they really want. I think it was beautifully summed up in a post a friend of mine put on Facebook, partially commending Ashton Kutcher for his Teen Choice Award acceptance speech wherein he said intelligence, thoughtfulness, and generosity are the three elements needed to be sexy while all the rest is crap; and mocking Ashton Kutcher for then leaving the stage to go make out with his girlfriend the beautiful and rich supermodel. Granted, I do not know his girlfriend - she may be super smart and thoughtful and generous - but it was an interesting statement. 

In my real life, I know a lot of men who, when describing their perfect woman, describe someone who sounds an awful lot like me. Smart, funny, a little bit geeky, into sports, can take her somewhere fancy or just enjoy a quiet evening at home, enjoys Doctor Who/Simpsons/Arrested Development/insert your favorite sci-fi/cult movie or TV show here, good conversationalist, secure in her sexuality and whatnot, redhead, the list goes on. But when I see who these men choose to actually date and pursue, they tend to go for the insecure, unstable, "damsel in distress" types who usually come with some inherent drama that flies directly in the face of everything he says he wants in a partner. And I'm left scratching my head wondering what the hell is wrong with these people. 

Granted, when it comes to relationships, I'm hardly one to talk. On the simplest level, how many times have I promised myself I wouldn't date another smoker? And we see how well that has worked out. I say I want someone passionate, but a guy who is too passionate about me becomes "smothering," so I gravitate toward men who really can't be bothered and then complain of neglect. I say I want to be with someone who challenges and inspires me, but I am usually too intimidated by those men to actually pursue them. 

So what happens when we are confronted with what we say we want that makes either run from it or miss it completely? What is it about the human brain that makes us logically make one choice that we are then physically incapable of following through with? Is this something that changes with age? Will I get better at choosing the things I actually want in my heart of hearts? Or will I reach the point of honesty with myself where I say humor and intelligence really aren't that important; I want a hot guy with an accent and six-pack abs?

Whichever way it goes, I'm ready for some honesty in aligning spoken desires and physical follow-through. Is that just me?

July 1 - Possession

I've had this idea floating around in my head for a little while now that my problems with relationships have to do with this weird idea of possession. I know a lot of people have a negative reaction to words like "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" and every time you see two people in the movies who are clearly attracted to one another, it is still a terrifying conversation when one asks the other to "go steady" (or whatever slang the kids are using these days to signify exclusivity) because once you're "going steady," you're his and he's yours and there is all of this stuff that comes with that. Expectations. Standards. And the potential to get really, really hurt.

Growing up, I had a handful of good friends and a few really terrible ones. Friends in whom I placed my faith and on whose opinion I based my value as a person, who I found out later were not to be trusted and who really thought very little of me. I'm sure that young me was not a perfect friend, either, so I don't mean to point fingers at others and say they failed me or anything, but a lot of the important early relationships in my life turned out to be very flimsy and easily swayed on the whims of others. Such is childhood, yes?

Now, before we go any farther, I do want to point out that my "honorary sister," the woman I've known since I was eight months old, is still a very dear friend of mine and someone I know I can count on, even if I forget that every now and again. And I hope she knows she can always count on me, too. I had an "honorary brother" at one point, too, who turned out to be... But anyway. The damage was done long before we had our falling out. So there were good relationships in my childhood, but there were bad ones, too.

Which brings us to the present day. I've not had a successful romantic relationship of significant duration. Hell, one could argue that I've not had a successful romantic relationship at all seeing as I am currently not in one. And I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure it is me. See, what I've learned through my failed friendships and the relationships I see on TV and whatnot, and through my experiences as an actor who is quite adept at seeing things from another person's perspective, is that I don't really have the right to "lay claim" to anyone else. When my very first boyfriend cheated on me, I was hurt, but I wasn't angry with him for a very long time afterward because I knew he felt justified in what he had done - he talked himself into thinking it was okay - and I could see his side of it. And I knew at the same time I knew we were over, that I didn't really have the right to be angry with him for living his life the way he chose to live it. All I could do was choose not to be part of that anymore. Which puts me in a really odd position now when it comes to relationships. I never feel like I have the right to impose my will on another human being. If I'm with someone who would rather be with someone else, what right do I have to say he can't be? If I'm with someone who refuses to try vegetarian food, what right do I have to force him to? If I'm with someone who likes doing things that I really don't, what right do I have to ask him to stop? I can only be responsible for my own actions, and in situations like those, where we reach an impasse, I can only choose to not be in the relationship anymore. To not lay claim. To not be his.

I think this extends to friendships, too. I think there are a lot of ways to show someone that they are important to you. I try to let the people who are important to me know that they are important to me whenever I can by supporting their art or sending a random text message when I know they have a big day ahead or just listening when they need someone to listen. I know I don't always succeed, but I try. I hope my friends know that I think of them often and that I think of them fondly. Which is why it is disappointing to me when those people miss a big obvious opportunity to let me know that I am thought of. I know people just sometimes forget. Even my oldest friends forget sometimes, but with them, they let me know I'm thought of in other ways, so it doesn't bother me so much. I know people have lives and have better things to do. But that's just it - they have better things to do. It lets me know exactly where I fall on their list of priorities, and that is often times somewhere lower than I hoped it would be. But I don't have the right to ask any of these people to prioritize me. I can't lay claim to them, I can't call them mine and get upset with them for having their own lives. All I can do is live my life the way I live it, and maybe be a little more cautious in regard to where I place my faith in the future.

Happy July, everybody.

June 29 - Marriage

I'm going to the wedding of a couple of my dear friends today - congratulations and best wishes, guys! - so of course, I'm thinking about marriage today. If this turns into a pity party blog post, I apologize. That is not my intention, but it may swing that way in a bit.

In general, I think I have decided that I like the idea of marriage. I like the idea of making a commitment with another person that you will always be there for one another and you will build this life together, and perhaps (though not necessarily) propagate the species together. Now, I want to be very clear on this point: I do not think that marriage is necessary for having children and I do not think that children are a necessary component of a marriage. And if you'll notice, I left any sort of number or gender qualifications out of that definition because there are those who are poly-amorous and I am a firm believer in gay marriage. One of the most beautiful marriages I know of is between two women. And I'll buy into the Chasing Amy theory that it is so rare that you might find the one person that you want to build that life with, why cut yourself off from half of the population because of what genitalia they have? I think if people want to enter into that commitment willingly, they should be able to.

I have seen lots of different kinds of marriages, too. I know people who got married because they felt they should. I know people who got married because they absolutely could not imagine life without the other person. I know people whose marriages fell apart because of infidelity or insecurity or because they got married too young. I know people whose marriages seem to get stronger every day. I know people who have been through rough spots, but pushed through on the strength of their love and commitment to each other. They make the choice every day to love one another and that, to me, is a beautiful thing. As Frank Turner said, "Love is about all the changes you make and not just three small words."

I've been proposed to, too. It was a joke, but it happened. I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had said yes. And there was a man in my life at one time who I wished would have proposed, but I know in retrospect that it would have been a disaster.

As a child of divorced parents, I find myself wanting to be careful about who I enter into relationships with and who I might marry someday. I know people who seem to bounce from one relationship to the next, one marriage to the next, and while I am sure there is more to the story than that, I don't want to be one of those people. I know how to be alone; I like being alone, so when a relationship ends, I'm always a little bit relieved that my life can get back to normal. I think I'm waiting to find that person who I enjoy being around so much that I don't want my life to go back to normal again.

But I also find myself reaching that age where if I don't find a life partner soon, the likelihood that I will be able to have my own biological children with that partner is getting slim. So there is that pressure to find someone, even if it means entering into a relationship that I know won't last just so in the short term, I have someone to raise kids with.

I don't think I could do that. I know I couldn't do that.

In a really strange way, taking the pressure of children out of a relationship makes it more romantic for me, then. Then I get to pick somebody who I truly just enjoy being with, who truly just enjoys being with me. And we get to promise to be there for each other no matter what for the rest of our lives. That's sweet to me.

One thing I do know, is that when I do find my husband, our marriage is going to be different from everyone else's. I think that is the only way a marriage can work, is if the parties involved make it work for them. And it will likely start with our actual wedding being something different that works for us. I know so many people look forward to their wedding - I did as a little girl - like making it to the wedding day is the end goal. Hollywood would have us believe that. But I think for a marriage to really work, you have to focus on what happens after the wedding day. In which case, a little ceremony in Central Park with an officiant and a photographer is plenty. We'll have our whole lives to party with our friends.

Anyway. I have to get dressed and wrap a present and get ready to go be happy for my friends who are starting the next chapter of what I hope will be an amazing life together full of love and joy and laughter. Maybe someday, I'll get to do the same for me.

June 21 - Break Up

Hi.

I think it's time we had a talk.

I know, nobody wants to hear those words, and they mean exactly what you think they mean, but for the sake of my own sanity, I need to say them. I think I need to not see you for a while. This relationship has become painful and unfulfilling and leaves me feeling hollow and useless.

Please don't get me wrong - I did love you once. Long before the masses did. And now when my friends talk about how awesome you are, I can't help but smile to myself that I knew it first. And you are a great communicator - you are very good at letting me know what you need from me. It's right there, written down so I don't forget. What I sometimes feel, though, is that you forget there are things I need from you in order to make those things happen. I feel like my needs are not always met, so we fall into this trap of me trying to get you what you need, you telling me I've failed, me trying harder and failing more and I just end up resenting myself and resenting you. I want off of the roller coaster.

Maybe, in time, we can re-examine our relationship. Things weren't always so rough. In the beginning, my biggest complaint was your terrible taste in music - remember that? And the creepy voices you did sometimes? But I grew to love those things as I grew to love you. And I did love you. Please always know that. I think I just need some time and some space to reset and regroup. Take a step back in order to move forward.

This will not be easy. I've grown accustomed to seeing you every day. You're so colorful and the little bits of encouragement are wonderful when they come. They just don't come very often anymore. I feel it is time for me to take responsibility for my own happiness, and at this time, that doesn't include you.

Oh, Candy Crush Saga, why can't I quit you?

Sincerely,
Kitty

May 9 - Questions

I have to wonder, as I'm guessing most parents do, whether or not my cat is living the best life he can live. Is he happy here? Is he fulfilled and challenged? Is there something else he wishes he could have done with his life, or somewhere else he wishes he could have gone?

I don't know. I don't think there is a way for me to know. And unlike parents of human children, I can't really ask him. I try, but he doesn't answer. Or, if he does, I don't understand what he is saying. And I'm pretty sure that's on me because he understands certain words that I say ("food"), but I don't know the meanings behind many of his meows. 

So sometimes I just have to remind myself that as in any relationship, showing up is half the battle. I know he likes to sleep on my lap, so I make a lap for him to lie on. I slow down and take a bit of a break from my day and my to-do list so he can have a lovely nap because I don't know how else to make sure he is living his best life. I hope it is enough. 

Now, if only there was some way to find out where he stands in the "should we get a bunny" debate...