June 1 - Chatting in a Particular Direction

So I mentioned that I had an event last night, and overall, it went better than I thought it would. But as I was chatted up by two different men in the course of the evening, a few "chat up" tips occurred to me that I thought I might share with you, my three readers, just in case you are curious. 

1) The easiest way to show someone you are interested in getting to know them is to ask them questions about themself. This occurred to me as one gentleman I talked to asked questions about TV shows and movies I liked, music I listened to, stuff like that. The other gentleman told me plenty of stories about himself and his life and asked me absolutely no questions about mine. Granted, the second guy was drunker than the first, while I was sober, so I may have just noticed it more, or maybe people just get more self-centered when they get drunk. But while the first encounter was more of a conversation, the second was a story-telling session with me stuck between two chairs looking for a way to get out. So remember when you are chatting someone up, the question, "And you?" is your best friend. 

2) If you really want to show interest in someone, listen to them. If the object of your affection is asking you about your philosophy, or your tattoos, or your drink choice, follow that line of conversation. If she's asking about your tattoos, ask about hers, or ask what she would get if she has none. If he's curious about your beer, ask what beer he prefers. People tend to seek out similarities in people they've just met, so if he's asking about your favorite band, it's quite possibly because music is important to him. If music isn't important to you, you can pick up on something he says about why he likes a certain band and steer the conversation to an agreeable middle ground. I know, I know, it sounds complicated, but it's really not. In order to talk to someone, you need to listen to them as well. 

3) If the person you are chatting up starts fidgeting, looking around the room, and glazing over, it is likely because you have failed to do either of the things mentioned above within a reasonable amount of time. The easiest way to fix this is to ask them a question about themself, though if it has been forty-five minutes of just you talking, it is probably too late. 

4) If the person you are chatting up is female and you are trying to think of something to ask her about herself to keep the conversation going, avoid, "So, have you always been this hot?" at all costs. And while honest compliments are nice, questions about what she is doing with her life or what she wants to do with her life will make her feel more important and desired than telling her she has pretty hair. 

I hope these tips have been helpful and will lead you to many pleasant chats in the future!

July 24 - Business Calls

If you have ever worked in an office, you probably know how to answer the phone. "Hello. Thank you for calling [company name], this is [your name]. How can I help you?" Or something to that effect. If you work somewhere "fun," you may get to say something like, "It's a bazongo day to get blasted at Blitz Farmers. Can I offer you a blitz blaster bonus pack?" But in any case, you have likely received some sort of instruction on how they would like you to answer the phone while you are at work.

Where much of society fails us, however, is in teaching us how to place a phone call to a business. I'm not talking about telemarketers - those people have computer screens in front of them that tell them what to say in a "choose your own adventure" sort of format so they know how to respond when you tell them the person they are trying to reach has recently passed away. I'm talking about regular people. Customer service people. Accounting people. Customers needing assistance with a product they purchased. Sales people looking for information from the factories they represent. So today, I would like to offer these simple tips to make calling a business a little easier, a little less frustrating, and a little more pleasant for everyone involved.

1. Find a quiet place with the best cell phone reception you can find to place the call. I know, this may be asking a lot, but if the person on the other end can't understand what you are saying, you are both going to leave the conversation frustrated and annoyed. If you have to shout over people in the background and can't hear what the person on the other end is telling you, you'll just get pissed off. I know the pace of our crazy work-a-day world says everything has to happen right exactly now, but the call will go much smoother if you are both able to hear and understand one another on the first try. So find somewhere without a carnival in the background where you have at least two bars on your phone so the call will be clear and understandable.

1a) Do not place the call while driving. Let me say that again: Do not place the call while driving. I know, I know, you're thinking, "But it's okay! I have a hands-free device so I can legally make calls from my car!" That's only half the issue. While you are driving, you should be focused on driving. If the person on the other end of the call needs information from you, you may not be able to provide it because you don't have access to that information in your car, so you end up wasting your time and the other person's time. If the person on the other end needs to provide you with information, you may need to make a note of what they tell you, which you should not do while you are driving because you should be paying attention to your driving. Yes, traffic sucks. But a phone call to a business requires your participation (see points 5 and 6), so it is best to make the call when you can participate fully. Which is never when you are driving. Do not place the call while driving.

2. Wait for the person on the other end to answer the phone and introduce him or herself. Honestly. This seems like a no brainer, but you would be amazed how often (as a customer service representative) I have answered the phone to someone who is mid-sentence explaining their problem to me. When you're calling a business, the person you are calling is going to have their schpeil that they have to say when they answer the phone, so let them say it. Not to mention, if you didn't hear someone answer the phone and greet you, who are you talking to? Wait for the intro, then proceed to step three.

3. Introduce yourself. Honestly. While many businesses have caller ID, often times, that caller ID only shows a phone number, not a name like your cell phone does. The person answering has likely not memorized every phone number in the country, so they only know upon answering that they're receiving a call from, say, Florida. It is your job to tell them who in Florida is calling. And I'm not saying you should say, "It's Fred and I want to talk to Larry," unless you know for a fact that the person who answered the phone knows who Fred and Larry both are. If you have done step two correctly, you will know who you are talking to. It is only polite to let that person know who they are talking to, so they can begin to get an idea of the context and purpose of the call. And unless you speak to this person on a daily basis, it is best to state not only your name but the company you are calling from. There are a million Johns and Susans and Bills in the world; if you let them know which one you are, they will know how to interact with you appropriately.

4. State the purpose of your call clearly and concisely. If you have a question, ask a question. Do not assume that the question is implied. "Hi, this is Sally and I bought something from you that doesn't work." This is not a question. "Hey, it's Mark and I placed an order the other day." This is also not a question. These are statements that could each be followed with a myriad different questions. It is your job, as the caller, to let the person who answered the phone know why you called.

5. Listen to what the person on the other end of the phone is saying. If you ask a question, wait for the answer. If they ask a question, try to answer the question they asked, not the question you wish they had asked. There will be time for further discussion, but phone calls work best when both parties are engaged in the conversation. This means both talking and listening in turn.

6. Be prepared for questions. If you are calling with a question about some specific thing, have as much information as you can about that specific thing available when you call. For example, if you are calling to get service on your cell phone, have your cell phone handy so if the person on the other end needs a model number or serial number, you can provide it, or if they tell you to try something with the phone to get it working, you can try it right then and there. If you need to follow up on an order, have the order number handy so they can find your order quickly. Know your own contact information when you call so on the off chance they need a billing zip code or contact phone number to get back to you later with a status update, you can provide that information. Phone calls are conversations, which means both parties must participate. Calling a business to ask questions is not a passive activity - be prepared to participate in the conversation.

7. Remember that you are talking to a person. We've gotten used to automated phone answering systems now that when you do actually get through to a live person, you're often so frustrated you just want to scream. I get it. I've been there. But the live person you're talking to on the other end has likely not been involved in your frustration to this point and needs a moment to catch up. Yes, they are an agent of the company you are calling, but he or she may need a moment to familiarize him or herself with your specific situation or the specific product you are calling about and it is not a plot to make you even more angry. You know why you're calling; they don't yet. Give them a moment to catch up before you start berating them for their ignorance.

8. Know what information you are looking for. This way, you will know when the conversation is over. Say "thank you" and hang up.

I hope these tips have been helpful and that they will make your future business calls more pleasant and more productive. Join us again next week when we explore how to use the antiquated piece of office equipment, the land-line phone.

June 7 - Conversational Tips for Introverts

With the differences between introverts and extroverts becoming clearer, and a lot of the stigmas surrounding the word "introvert" slowly fading away (notice I said "slowly"), I feel like I can stand up proudly now and proclaim my introversion. For those of you not in the know, this does not mean I do not like other people, this does not mean I am shy, this does not mean I have low self-esteem. It means I am an introvert - I think before I speak, I observe and assess situations, and I occasionally desperately need to not be around other people. It's nothing personal, it's just how my brain works.

Okay, now we're all up to speed.

I have found myself in several situations of late where I have been hanging out with other introverts and have come to realize that some introverts have developed different social coping mechanisms than others. Some sit and don't say anything as they take in their surroundings. Some put on the face of an extrovert and try to blend in with the crowd. Some find the one other introvert in the room and go have a quiet conversation. Some use some sort of social lubricant like alcohol. All of these are great.

Except when you're the one other introvert in the room and one of the silent-type introverts comes up and expects you to...entertain them? Talk to them? Make them feel comfortable? When you yourself would really just like to be sitting there, watching people out the window, composing a symphony in your head. And now suddenly there is this other person there whose enjoyment of the outing is entirely dependent on you (or at least it feels that way).

I have been in this situation many times. I think I'm one of those introverts who has learned how to put on an extroverted mask so I look like I can blend into just about any social situation. This also means I am often the target for other introverts to seek out and sort of back into a corner for one-on-one conversation. I don't mind one-on-one conversation. I thrive on one-on-one conversations. But if you approached me and then expect me to keep the ball rolling...it's exhausting. So I have come up with a few tips that can help introverts talk to either other introverts or extroverts to make these encounters a little more enjoyable and a little less tiresome for everyone involved.

• If you are an introvert and you find yourself in the company of an extrovert, you will likely not have to speak at all if you don't want to. If you do encounter the odd lapse in conversation, ask a question. Doesn't matter what it is, just ask a question. The extrovert will likely answer the question, expound upon the question, get caught up in a tangent that leads to another story, circle back around, spot another friend across the room whose new boyfriend is causing quite a stir, and voila! You don't have to talk anymore unless you really want to. Don't worry about it.
• It is acceptable to ask personal questions of an extrovert. In general, they like to talk about themselves, and this is pretty much a sure-fire way to make sure you will not have to open your mouth again for the rest of the evening until you leave. If then.
• If you are an introvert and you find yourself in the company of another introvert and you both seem stuck for conversation, ask a question either about an interest you know the introvert has or some philosophical conundrum. Introverts like to talk, but they're more selective in their conversational topics. Hum-drum day-to-day "how's the weather" type conversations will put your introvert to sleep. But if you know she is into bird watching, you might mention you noticed a flock of geese migrating northward the other day and ask if that is typical for this time of year. Or if he is a computer guy, ask for his thoughts on the PC vs. Mac debate and why all the true computer geeks love Linux. The introverted brain is buzzing all of the time, and we are constantly making judgement calls about what is appropriate to say out loud and what is rubbish, so if you let us know that a certain topic is okay, we'll share everything we know on the idea. Again, introverts are not afraid of conversation; we just prefer actual conversation to chit-chat.
• It is acceptable to ask personal questions of an introvert, but can be a way to kill the conversation very quickly. "How are you?" will not elicit the same elaborate response as, say, "I notice you only seem to be eating the red peppers on the veggie plate - is there a reason for that?" One is a personal question that elicits a personal response, and one that can be kept simple. The other is an invitation to share one's theories on the superiority of red peppers or one's preference for cooked vegetables as opposed to raw except in the case of red peppers. Introverts like theories and reasons and logic.
• Under no circumstances should you say to an introvert, "Tell me about yourself."
• If you are an introvert and you find yourself stuck with another introvert who has asked you a question about yourself that you don't particularly want to answer or don't have very much to respond with, respond politely with what you have and then tack an "And you?" on the end of it. Often times, people will ask questions about things that are on their own minds. If someone asks you how things are going at work, it could be because something brilliant happened at their own workplace and rather that appear completely self-centered and spew stories all over you, they decide to first ask about your work in the hopes that the topic of "work" is one that will be stayed on long enough for their stories to come out in the natural course of conversation. Adding the "And you?" shifts the conversation back to them, makes you appear courteous and interested in their life, and takes the onus for speech off of you. It's a win-win-win.
• If you are an introvert and you are hanging out with an introvert you've hung out with before, try to remember just one thing from your last conversation and ask them about that. If they told you their sister just had a baby, ask how the baby is doing or if they have seen the baby lately. If you can remember just one thing from the previous conversation, it makes it look like you care and are invested in their life and again, shifts the speaking part of the conversation back to them so you can get back to your symphony.
• Yes, this one works on extroverts, too.
• You may find that you get to a place where you are listening too much to what the other person is telling you in the conversation so that you can store some of it away for use in your next encounter and your symphony gets put on hold for a few minutes. This is absolutely fine. The symphony will still be there later.
• When all else fails, pick the most random thought floating through your brain at that moment and say it out loud, social judgement be damned.
• Use caution if the random thought in your brain at that moment has to do with violence, murder, conspiracy plots in which you are involved, or your own need to urinate/defecate. These can be conversation/friendship killers.

I hope this has been helpful. It's really not that hard to carry on a conversation with either an introvert or an extrovert. If you are an introvert who finds yourself struggling in social situations and you'd like to be more involved, you just need to remember to ask questions, and the simplest question to ask that will keep the ball rolling is "And you?" You'll be fine. I have faith.

So those are my thoughts on conversational tips for introverts. Do you have any additional suggestions?

(See what I did there?)

May 1 - Question

Why do we, as a culture, insist on eating grains with forks? Rice, quinoa, couscous, even small pastas like orzo, we insist on eating them with a fork. The least small-item-friendly utensil in the general American utensil set. Granted, there are other cultures that like to eat these things with chopsticks, which are even less small-item-friendly, and I myself enjoy using chopsticks whenever I can (especially my light saber chopsticks that I got at Comic Con), but really, this makes no sense. We are so addicted to eating things with forks in the United States that often times, spoons are not even included with the set of silverware laid out at the restaurant table. If your server deems your order worthy of a spoon (i.e. soup), then he or she will bring one when he or she brings the food. Otherwise, no spoon for you! You must eat these tiny grains of rice by stabbing them with the tine of a fork!

I recently decided that I was going to eat small grains with a spoon instead of a fork. It makes me feel like I am three years old, but it is a lot less messy and much more efficient. I don't have to stick my face in the bowl and scoop the remaining grains in like one of those arcade machines where you try to get the arm to push quarters over the edge. I can eat my food like a grown-up. Who uses a spoon to eat small grains.

And suddenly, there is ukulele music in the background which has completely distracted me from my forks vs. spoons rant. Now I feel tropical.

Yay nice weather! Happy May, everybody! And hooray for eating small food items with a spoon!

March 25 - Four Five

1. Lower the tip, slightly.
2. Extend your arm, slightly.
3. Lift your toe inside your shoe, slightly.
4. Attack, with force and conviction.
5. Lunge, by kicking so you land steadily.

Looks easy enough, right? I'm learning to fence for Hamlet and I will admit, I got a little bit of outside help so I can feel comfortable doing what I'm doing. The most basic attack is a five step process, as detailed above. Now, you can do 1-2-3-advance-4-5, or all-kinds-of-footwork-1-2-3-double-advance-retreat-advance-4-5, or whatever kind of crazy combination of things you want to or need to do in order to get yourself into a good position to attack your opponent, as long as these five steps happen somewhere in there, in that order.

I tend to 5-4 instead of 4-5.

Apparently, this is fairly normal for people learning how to fence, or at least that's what the fencing instructor told me. A lot of people tend to 5-4. It's important that you 4-5 because you have to establish for the referees that you are actually attacking. If you five before you four and your opponent gets a touch on you before your four because he four-ed first, then he gets the point, not you. If you four before he fours, then you have the right of way and he has to parry before he can attack in order to get a point. Or something. I think. What it boils down to is you have to four before you can five.

So this morning, walking from my car to my office, I practiced my 1-2-3s as nicely as I could while still walking, and tried to time my fours to come just before what would be a five with my right leg. I'm sure the people in cars passing by, or stopped at stoplights where I was able to practice a bit more literally, thought I was completely insane. But I think it's a good lesson to learn, not only in fencing, but in life. You have to four before you can five.

You have to four before you can five.

March 15 - Tips

If you are driving, and approaching an intersection, and there is not enough space on the other side of the intersection for your car, DO NOT GO THROUGH THE INTERSECTION.

I cannot stress this enough. If there is no space for you, I don't care what color the light is, don't go.

As much as we would like to think driving is a personal experience, it is not. It is a shared experience. As a driver, you have to share the road with other cars, bicyclists, pedestrians, construction crews, and occasionally wildlife. The best way to keep things running smoothly for everyone is if everyone works together to keep things running smoothly. This means if there is no space for you, don't go. If you go, you'll end up filling space that should rightfully go to someone else, so they'll honk and get irritated and the people in front of you will try to inch up because they feel bad that you're being a dick but they've go nowhere to go so they get impatient, or you'll move into the bike lane preventing cyclists from going on about their day and they'll yell nasty epithets at you, and the people in the houses and businesses around the intersection will have to listen to the honking and the yelling which disrupts their day, so really all you're doing by going through the intersection when there is no space for you on the other side is being a dick. And as our beloved Wil Wheaton says, "Don't be a dick."

So listen to Wil Wheaton* and the transitive property. If you go through an intersection when there is no space for you on the other side, you fuck things up for everyone else; fucking things up for everyone else is something a dick would do; so by going through an intersection when there is no space for you on the other side you're being a dick. Q.E.D.

Don't be a dick. Wait until there is space before you proceed.

*This message has not been endorsed or approved by Wil Wheaton in any way.

February 19 - Public Speaking

Public speaking is a lost art, and one that I would like to see recovered. I'm not exactly sure what caused the decline in oration skills. If you look back to Kennedy and Dr. King, you'll find a decade full of great speakers. When Shrub Jr. was president, I cringed every time he opened his mouth, afraid of what idiocy was going to come out. What happened?

I know that a lot of our current communication is done electronically, and that may be the culprit. It is easy to edit out the incorrect words and stutters and guttural noises when you're typing. There also seems to be a move toward brevity, as nobody has an attention span longer than three minutes anymore. If you can't say what needs saying in sixty seconds, it's not worth saying. I think there are times, though, when good public speaking skills are important, and they may not even be the times you're thinking about right now. Yes, if you're running for public office, you'll have to make speeches and it would be nice if you didn't sound like a nincompoop. If you are an expert in your field and you are invited to do a TED speech, you're going to want to practice what you're going to say before you get there. But what about when you lead a team meeting at work? What about when you're walking a colleague through a new piece of software or a new work procedure? What about when you're toasting your friends on their birthday? I think that all of these situations count as situations wherein oration skills are important. You spent three weeks putting together a PowerPoint presentation at work to demonstrate why your ad campaign is the best way to go, and when you get up there to speak about it, you stumble and fumble for words, spit out "um" and "er" and "ah" every third syllable, and you let your sentences get away from you to the point where you start and end them with the same prepositional phrases. Why? Why shoot yourself in the foot like that? I think this sort of presentation or teaching opportunity is much more effective if the presenter sounds like they know what they're talking about. Which is where public speaking skills come in very handy.

I took a public speaking class in high school. It was more an intro to theater class than a public speaking one - we played theater games and did improv. But I have picked up a few tips and tricks along the way when I have had to present myself appropriately to people whose respect I was seeking. Ready? Here we go.

• Breathe. Number one in importance is to breathe. Nobody expects you to spit out your three hour presentation in one breath or in one sentence. If you breathe normally, you give off the impression you know your subject so well that this public speaking opportunity does not rattle you in the slightest. Breathing equals confidence. It will naturally slow down your speaking rate, and it allows you time to think of the next words that are supposed to come out of your mouth.
• Don't be afraid of silence. I'm not talking about taking a six minute pause in the middle of a sentence. I'm talking about those guttural noises we all make to fill up the dead space we use to think. The "um"s and the "er"s and the "ah"s, or whatever your noise of preference is. You don't need them. They actually get in the way of your message, by giving off the impression that you are unprepared or "winging it." I realize a lot of us make these noises without realizing it. That's okay. The way to fix it is to start realizing it. Tape yourself talking. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Every time you hear an "um" or an "er" or you feel an "ah" coming on, make the conscious choice to not make that noise, but to take a breath instead. The breath serves the same purpose - it takes up space, it gives the impression you are not done speaking, and it allows you a moment to think of what you are going to say next. Finish the breath and keep speaking without uttering the "um." If you practice this in your everyday life, the next time you have to teach someone something, you will naturally avoid the guttural noises and sound more knowledgeable.
• Think first, then speak. Again, think first. Then speak. Another common misconception in presentational situations is that you have to have an immediate answer for every question. You should have an answer for every question. If it takes a moment (not a minute, but a moment) to figure out how to properly formulate the answer, take that moment. Think about how you are going to answer so that the inquiry is satisfied, take a breath, then speak. You will give the impression that you honestly listened to the question and gave the answer some consideration before responding, as opposed to spitting out some prefabricated response to similar questions that have been asked before.
• Enunciate. You have this whole beautiful mouth and throat full of muscles that can help you pronounce words in a way that makes it easy for other people to understand what you are saying. Use them. Warm them up beforehand if you need to. But take the time to enjoy the feeling of all of these words in your mouth, and let the people you are talking to enjoy hearing them pronounced correctly.
• Forget the thing about imagining people in their underwear. I don't know who came up with that idea, but I think it is a terrible one. I, for one, am not made more comfortable by the thought of my colleagues, coworkers and superiors running around in their skivvies. I am made extremely uncomfortable by the thought of being in the same room as my coworkers while they are severely underdressed. That is not a mental image I want. What helps me is to remember that everyone I am talking to is a person. They all got up and had breakfast or coffee that morning. They all went through the "do I need to press this shirt before I can wear it out?" dilemma. They all want the meeting or the presentation or the class to go well. They are on your side. They are rooting for you. They are hoping the information you have to give them is useful and well organized. And since you took the time to prepare beforehand, it is. So there is nothing to worry about. And go ahead and compliment your boss on her new necklace because it really is dazzling and everybody likes a compliment.

I hope these tips are helpful. Breathe. Be aware of your "um"s so you can stop them. Think. Enunciate. Relax - we're all just people. Public speaking doesn't have to be scary, and it doesn't have to be difficult - if I can do it as in introvert, so can you. And remember - I'm cheering for you, too.

February 14 - Kissing

While there is no one right way to kiss, there are plenty of wrong ways. Now, since I don't want to fill a blog post with oodles of negativity, I'll give just a couple little hints.

• Lips first, then tongue, then maybe a little bit of teeth (if you're into that sort of thing). I cannot stress this enough - lips first. If you're leading with anything else, you're doing it wrong.
• Moisture is a good thing (nobody likes being kissed by chapped lips). Excess saliva is not (nobody likes having to towel off between kisses).
• Lips first, then tongue.
• Nothing in the general facial/oral region should be rigid. Ever. Except teeth 'cuz they can't help it, but you're welcome to move them out of the way or give them some time off.
• Lips first.
• Mix it up - tempo, pressure, duration. Mix it up.
• Lips first.

You are now ready to spend the rest of your Valentine's Day kissing someone or something. And to all of my friends and family members, I love you guys dearly. Thank you for being a part of my life.

January 19 - Teaser

I have a bit of a longer blog post brewing, perhaps even long enough to create a series of blog posts, following some discussions I've had with my lady friends of late, but I have a lot to get through today and don't think I'll be able to give it the time it deserves. But I do want to give you just a taste so maybe you'll keep checking back for when it actually goes up. And, if based on this teaser you have anything you would like to add to my post (or series of posts), please let me know by posting a comment or something. I would love to get a dialogue going and will give credit where credit is due (likely by linking to your blog unless you would rather I not).

If you do choose to nibble on your partner's ear, it is best to hold your breath while doing so. There is nothing sexy about turning her ear canal into a wind tunnel.