What I Learned from Tonight's Academy Awards

They mentioned at the start of the Academy Awards this year that they were going to do things in a different order, to reflect how movies are made. According to the Academy, this is how you make a movie:

1. Write an original script. 

2. If you can't find one, borrow some source material and try that instead. 

3. Cast a woman to be in the background.

4. Clothe her. Preferably in period clothing. 

5. Bring in a production designer and set designer so you can figure out what the movie should look like. 

6. Find a make-up artist and a hair stylist for your supporting actress (who is the only performer currently attached to the project, and therefore the most important).

7. Find someone to shoot the movie. Preferably someone who knows where the most beautiful places on the planet are. 

8. Have someone edit the film. Which somehow has been shot with one actor and no director, but one hell of a production team. 

9. Fix and enhance the sound generated by your kickass design team, beautiful locations, and supporting actress. 

10. Go back and manipulate the sounds that haven't been generated yet, but should be there so your locations and supporting actress sound even better. 

11. Hire Andy Serkis. No, wait, sorry. Get a visual effects artist so nobody notices you only have one supporting actress.

12. Go back and fill in any tech gaps that might have made your filming easier. 

13. Say "fuck it" and animate the whole thing instead. But keep it short because animation is hard and takes a long time. 

14. Realize that it is easier to make an animated film than something live action with only one supporting actress, so make an animated feature. 

15. Find a guy who might look good in the background of the movie you were originally making and cast him to fill in some of the scenes your supporting actress wasn't in. 

16. Splice together your footage about making a movie with a design team and one actor (actress, excuse me) into a short documentary. 

17. Try your hand at a full length documentary because you have a lot of footage of beautiful places and sound clips lying about, so why not?

18. Realize that you have enough footage of your locations and background actors to make a short film, so give that medium a go before dedicating yourself to a feature. 

19. Outsource your movie to another country to see if that helps. 

20. Find someone to write the music that will set the tone for your film. 

21. Hire a pop star to write a song to play over your end credits. 

22. Find a director. 

23. Cast a leading lady. 

24. Cast a leading man. 

25. Find producers because bam! You have a movie! Win all the awards!

Now, I've not made big budget Hollywood movies, but at the very least, I know that nine times out of ten, the leading man is cast before the leading lady. And films are usually edited after the director, producers, and actors have been hired. But maybe it is my insistence on doing things a certain way that has stunted my career thus far. Maybe I'll try doing it Hollywood's way and see what happens. 

Congrats to those who go home with little gold statues tonight! Maybe if I play along, I'll get to join you someday. 

July 27 - Green World Play

One of the common conflict set-ups in literature is the Green World story. Instead of a man-against-man, man-against-nature, or man-against-himself set up, the Green World story is one wherein the protagonist goes somewhere new, spends some time, and comes back to his original life a changed person. Think of The Wizard of Oz - Dorothy is unhappy and restless at home, she goes to this magical land, and learns that home really is a wonderful place. Yes, there are other conflict structures there, too (Dorothy vs. the Wicked Witch), but if you look at the overarching structure of the whole thing, it's a Green World story. I think they also got the name "Green World" because the other place protagonists would often end up wherein they would find themselves or the resolution to their conflict was somewhere green - a forest instead of the city, that kind of thing. 

I bring this up because this weekend felt a little bit like a Green World story to me. I was out in the suburbs shooting a film, up in almost Wisconsin. While not quite rural, it felt more rural than the area of Chicago where I live. There were bigger yards, more space between houses and buildings, and (of course), more green. I was working with people I'd not really worked with before, some of whom I met just a few minutes before we shot our scenes. But they were (are) all great people. Everyone pitching in to make sure the things that needed to happen, happened. And I think I can be proud of the work I did, too. My scenes were probably a little different than originally envisioned, but I think the net effect of my character will be appropriate. I think she will serve the function in the film that she is supposed to. She is very different from me, and different than other characters I've been playing lately, and it was fun to get to stretch some different muscles. And perhaps most importantly, I feel like I made friends with some great people and made some potentially important connections for my future career. If anyone involved in this production is reading this, thank you for that. 

And then today, I drove home to my regular life again. Back to worrying about the Big Scary. Back to my friends and family. But I oddly feel stronger for the experience. It was validation that I can make a good impression on and get along with all sorts of people. It was validation that I do good work. It was validation that I can spend 36-ish hours straight with other people and survive, even with taking a bit of an introvert break. It was validation that I'm moving in the right direction. 

So my own little Green World story in the course of a weekend. Wow, am I a theatre geek or what?

July 14 - Arty

Tomorrow, I get to make a movie and be in a play. I can't tell you a lot about the movie because I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement, but if you are curious and/or want to support the film, go here. The play is a lot of fun, too - interesting, inventive, playful.

So I'm having one of those days where I wonder why I can't have more days like tomorrow. Days where I just get to do what I love all day long. I know there are people out there who get to live like that. I hope one day, I'll be one of them. Someday.

June 12 - Beauty

I was thinking about our society's standards of beauty this morning and then a friend of mine sent me a link to this article which said kind of exactly what I was thinking about, so I thought that yes, I should write about this today. I know that what I am going to say here is nothing that hasn't been said before by me and by others (and probably said better by the others), but it is still a thing and I don't think it will change if we stop talking about it, so I'm going to keep talking about it until it does. So there.

Confession time: I often think about things I would say if I was being interviewed on a talk show. It's fun to imagine, and as an actor, not completely outside the realm of things I might have to think about one day. And depending on the day, these imaginary conversations I have with interviewers range in topic from what is going on in the world to why I'm vegan to my physical appearance and how it is outside of the Hollywood norm. You know, the stuff I talk about here on this blog. And most recently, I've been having these imaginary conversations about my appearance.

Because here is the thing: I will never be a size 2. I'm pretty sure it is not in my genetic make-up to allow me to be a size 2. Maybe twenty years ago had I starved myself and worked out all of the time, I could have been, but I am not now and I don't think anything short of major surgery will get me down to a size 2. In my personal life, as I'm walking down the street to and from work, or hanging out with my friends, I am perfectly fine with the fact that I am not now, nor will ever be, a size 2. I have a face that is really nice to look at, and am physically strong enough to do most things that I want to do. I am not unhealthy. And judging by the hoots and hollers and catcalls that I get (and sincere, honest friendships that I have, too), I feel pretty safe in saying people find me attractive. The catcallers for physical reasons; my friends for reasons beyond the physical. And while I am able to say now that I am a good looking woman, I am also able to say I am a ridiculously talented actor. I mean, really. Think about the different types of characters I have played. Think about how many directors have taken the time to let me know they wish they could have used me but there wasn't a part for me in that particular show. Think about how many roles I have been completely wrong for but was cast in anyway, or that have been changed in some significant manner, so that I could play them. I think all of these things say something about my abilities. As do the comments I have gotten from directors and fellow cast members that I inspire them to step up their game. These comments are insanely flattering and completely humbling, and I treasure them. And when you put all of these things together, the only logical conclusion to be drawn from them is that I am really good at what I do. If I wasn't, my career would look very different than it does.

But I just sent out a mailing to talent agents to try to find representation. And I am almost certain that a) I will not hear back from any of them, or b) I will hear back from at least one that recommends I lose 20-30 pounds before they will represent me. Why? Because I am not a size 2.

So I was imagining myself on a talk show, talking about a project I starred in and kicked ass in despite the size of my derriere, and the interviewer and I got talking about body image things. And I very smartly (I thought) brought up the variety that is allowed, or tolerated, or encouraged, in male movie stars. Chris Evans, Tom Hiddleston, Philip Seymour Hoffman, James Earl Jones, Benedict Cumberbatch, Collin Firth, Will Smith, Michael Cera, Simon Pegg, Denzel Washington, Samuel L. Jackson, Nick Frost, Morgan Freeman, Sylvester Stallone, Bryan Cranston, James Franco, Chris O'Dowd - they all have different body types, different facial shapes, different hair styles, and yet all of them have played leading men. Perhaps different kinds of leading men (did Phillip Seymour Hoffman ever play a romantic lead?), but leading men nonetheless. And most of them are, or were, the best in the business at one point or another. Most of those men have won major awards for their work, regardless of their trouser size, their jawline, or their height. When we look at the women currently making big bucks in Hollywood, they're told that they have to be a size 2 in order to get leading roles. The two notable exceptions are Melissa McCarthy and Lena Dunham. Possibly Christina Hendricks, too. For most women of larger-than-size-2-size, if they do get a lead in something, it is an indie film, they are not a romantic lead, and they don't get a whole lot of work afterward (Gabourey Sidibe) other than character work. The article linked above mentioned how similar Anna Kendrick, Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Ashley Greene all look, and it is true. We, as a society, seem to like only one sort of woman when it comes to "who someone could fall in love with," and anyone who looks different to her is background noise. At least as far as Hollywood is concerned. We can forgive any physical difference in our men, but not in our women.

Granted, I am making gross exaggerations. There are the Lucy Lius (who is still tiny) and the Salma Hayaks (who is still tiny) and the Kerry Washingtons (who is still tiny) representing different looks. I would venture to say, though, that there are more women in film who look like other women in film than women in film who look like the women you see walking down the street every day.

I'm ready for this to change. But as I read casting notice after casting notice that includes something about "must be petite" or "small build" or "skinny and very attractive, somewhat exotic looking," I see that this isn't going to be changing any time soon.

I wonder how much of it has to do with the fantasy aspect of storytelling. Men writing about straight characters always fantasize that the man, no matter what he looks like, will end up with the supermodel. Women writing about straight characters always fantasize that the woman will be so gorgeous she could have any man she wants. I wish we could all, collectively, stop thinking this way. I wish we noticed how many of the people we treasure most in our lives do not fit the "Hollywood ideal" and how little that matters in regard to how much or why we love them. Maybe by acknowledging this, we can change the way we tell stories to include women who look like women - our moms, our sisters, our daughters - instead of making every female character description "skinny, hooker with a heart of gold."

In the meantime, I have to hope that the fact that I am a ridiculously talented actor is enough to let me play some great role that gets me on a talk show so I can publicly talk about how our attitudes towards women's bodies need to change. Because like that article said, it's great that someone as non-traditionally Hollywood as Benedict Cumberbatch is such a popular actor now. Now we just need the same allowances extended to actresses, too.

April 7 - Disbelief

Film and television are based on the suspension of disbelief. It is what allows us to believe that Thor is real or that smart, funny, charming men who can wear the hell out of a pair of jeans like Chuck Bartowski actually exist. It is what allows us to forget about our lives for a few minutes and pretend we live in a different world. It's really fun. 

The strange thing about being an actor, though, is how quickly I can be snapped out of the world created by whatever program I'm watching. I either know how something was shot, or pick up on some little continuity problem, or I see the face of a friend I knew in college or the stage manager I worked on some other show with who does some acting sometimes. I wonder how things like that will change if I ever get to a place in my career where I know (or have met) even more of the people I see on screen. Will I love everything a certain actor does even if it is crap because I think he's a guy who deserves to succeed? Will I not believe any of my girl friend's roles because I know how long it took her to learn her lines? I hope not. I hope that if I get to the point where the movies and TV shows I watch are full of my friends I can still enjoy and appreciate their work for what it is. And I hope I never lose the ability to lose myself in the worlds created by the film makers. 

January 25 - Theatre

I saw an amazing performance last night of a new play I hope to be in a production of someday. It was exactly the kind of theatre I want to be doing, and the kind of role I've not had in a while. And while I have had a lot of fun in the productions I've been working on lately, it sort of lit a fire under me. Helped give me an idea of where I want to focus in the coming months/years. And it made me a little sad that I'm not quite there yet. 

But then I got to act today. Twice. In an audition clinic and in a short film. Neither were Oscar-worthy performances, but as I was talking to one of the guys on the film crew, he apologized that we had to go outside and walk through the front door into the house again since it was so cold outside. And I responded without even thinking about it that I didn't mind because making movies and performing on stage is what I love to do. And it's true. No matter the size of the role, no matter the project, I love acting. So while my career may not quite be where I want it to be yet, I'm still enjoying the hell out of it. I'm working with great people, having a lot of fun, and learning loads. 

I'll get where I want to be someday. And I'm loving the journey while I get there. 

November 11 - Spoilers

I remember when Terminator 2 came out, one of my friends got to see the film before he saw any trailers or ads for it, so he didn't know that Arnold was the good guy this time around. I apologize for spoiling that bit just now for any of you who haven't seen Terminator 2 yet but seriously, the movie is how old? And you've not seen it yet? I'm guessing you don't plan to. And besides, the blog post is titled "Spoilers." I consider that fair warning.

Anyway, my friend got to see Terminator 2 not knowing that Arnold was the good guy, so he got to experience the terror of "oh god, he's back" right alongside the characters in the film. I thought to myself, "What a lovely way to see a movie - the same way the characters do, with no foreknowledge of what is coming." And ever since then, I've had this ongoing internal battle over whether to watch trailers and advertisements and whatnot beforehand.

On the one hand, it's fun to see what's in store. It's fun to get a glimpse of Middle Earth before the next Hobbit movie comes out. It's cool to see what your favorite actors look like dressed as characters you grew up with. And trailers are a very useful marketing tool - if we didn't see the trailer for some film we'd never heard of, how would we know if we wanted to spent thirteen dollars to see it in 3D or if the eleven dollar 2D version will suffice?

But a large portion of the joy of watching something new, or reading something new, is allowing the story to take you on this unexpected journey. Being surprised by plot twists or character introductions. Building the world of the story piece by piece. If you know what all of the pieces are going in, you spend more time waiting for the next reveal than enjoying what is happening in front of you right now. At least, that is my experience with spoilers. And the real kicker here is that sometimes, the stunts they show in trailers are from footage left on the cutting room floor, so you can spend an entire film waiting for one specific moment you loved from the trailer that never actually happens in the film. And you leave frustrated and disappointed by what was otherwise a lovely movie.

So the 50th anniversary Doctor Who episode is "airing" around the world on November 23rd. Which means the interweb is inundated at the moment with trailers and sneak peeks and photos from the set and whatnot. And I am trying my hardest to not look at any of it. I don't want to know the plot before I show up to the theater that afternoon. I don't want to know how the three versions of the Doctor will interact. In many ways, I think it's bad enough that I know three versions of the Doctor will be in the episode and I don't want to spoil it any further by knowing anything else about it before I see it. I want to be surprised. I want to experience the episode in the moment. I want to watch the plot unfold before my eyes, not spend the whole episode waiting for a specific explosion or line or plot point. I honestly don't want to know until I get there.

So what do you think of spoilers and trailers and inside looks and sneak peeks? Do they enhance your viewing experience or ruin it? I know why they exist; I'm not debating that. I just sometimes wish they were easier to avoid under certain circumstances.

November 9 - The Skin I'm In, Part 2

I want to be a champion for women's portrayal in the media. I want to show women as they are. 

Looking back on my career, though, and somewhat forward, I realized that I often times play men. Or characters who were men, but we make female so I can play them (or the director wanted to gender-bend and I seem right for). Which is, as a side note, why I'm always a bit taken aback when someone says I will never play the Doctor. And while I realize that I'm probably thinking too much on the matter, I find myself wondering what this says about me as a person. Am I masculine? Am I not feminine? I know I'm not girlie, and I do sometimes have issues identifying with other women, but any time I tell a guy that I feel more like "one of the guys" than like a girl, they remind me that no, I am in fact a girl. So how is it that I get to play these masculine characters?

I am not complaining. Let me be completely clear on that point - I am not complaining. I love having the opportunity to play characters that I otherwise might not get to play (see: Hamlet). I just wish I knew the thought process that leads to casting me in masculine roles. 

In my own fantasies, it is because my performance abilities transcend gender. That's probably putting too much thought into it, and giving myself too much credit. But if, by the end of my career, someone else describes my performance history thusly, I think I will have done my job. 

October 7 - Hamlet Update

I saw a rough cut of the first episode over the weekend.

I don't know that I'm really qualified to comment on it yet, as I spent most of the viewing noticing things like how awesome my hair looked or how visible the scars on my face are, or remembering on which day we shot which scenes and thinking about all of the stuff that happened off-camera on those days during those shoots. I saw things I wish I had done differently. I saw things that I did the way I hoped I had. And I don't know if I got teary-eyed because my performance was compelling or because I remembered the emotional state I was in saying those particular words on that particular day. I giggled a couple of times when I didn't think I was going to, or wasn't sure I was supposed to. I didn't cringe as much as I thought I might, and the cringing comes entirely from hoping my own performance is not crap, and is not intended to be a reflection on anyone else involved in the project. It was...

I want to see more. I want to watch this episode a dozen or so more times so I can watch it as a whole piece, and not a collection of parts. I want to see the other episodes so I can view the project as a whole.

I'm excited to see Hamlet: The Series finished.

October 6 - Tricks

I was talking to my fellow cast mates today about acting, and specifically memorizing lines. A lot of actors feel like the sooner they can get off book, the sooner they can start exploring their character. To some extent, I agree. I think getting off-book quickly is very important and helps free actors up to explore their characters and relationships with much more depth. I think, though, that starting to explore the character can be a very helpful tool in memorizing the lines. Because, and it may sound silly to say this, but you'd be amazed how often it is forgotten, plays are made up of conversations. 

I'll say that again: Plays are made up of conversations. 

If you think of your lines as your side of a conversation, and you know your character really well, it should be pretty easy to figure out what your character is going to say in response to what your scene partner just said. Which brings me to the second crazy-important "duh" thing that actors often forget: acting is about listening. 

Again: acting is about listening. 

So you're up on a stage, living this imaginary life under these imaginary circumstances, but you're still just talking to other people. It is your job as an actor to put a real, honest, true conversation on the stage, and real, honest, true conversations involve listening and reacting as much as they do talking. So if you know your character well enough to know how they would react, then it just becomes a matter of reacting to what your partner gives you. And they react to your reaction and before you know it, conversation happens. 

So that's my trick for learning lines. I figure out the character, figure out the thought process, and then listen to the other people on stage with me. I wish I could explain it better, but that's it. I just have to know who my character is and then the conversation (line memorization) just happens. 

September 19 - Acting Career

There are those who would argue that I don't have enough experience as a working actor to speak with any sort of authority on this subject, and there are those who might argue that I do (me). Meaning you can take the rest of this post with a grain of salt if you so choose. Though I might recommend hot chocolate instead - my blogs go much better with hot chocolate than they do with salt.

So Hamlet is over. Just about. I have a few insets and some voiceover stuff to shoot on Sunday and then I'm done with it until it is all edited and released and whatnot. Don't worry, I'll spam all of you when it is available so you can watch it. But I find myself confronted with the question that lurks in the back of every artist's mind as they finish a project, "What now?"

The artistic life is far from a stable one. This is why most of us have day jobs of one sort or another; we don't make enough money from our art to be able to pay rent and buy food and art supplies. So when one project ends, you want to try to have the next one lined up. If you don't, the panic can start to set in. Now, I know I've hinted at projects in the works and those projects are still in the works. But a funny thing about being an actor is that if you're not out acting, people forget you exist. Seriously. If you're not out going to auditions and seeing shows and constantly reminding the rest of the theater world that you are still alive and working (or trying to get work), they will forget about you. It's not a rudeness thing; it's just that these people are bombarded by actors and writers and wannabes all the time and they only have a limited number of roles to fill. If you can prove you're wanted (by being in stuff all the time), they will want you more because you are more likely to be talented, good to work with, and/or an easy way to put butts in seats. It's just how the industry works.

Or, it's how I think the industry works. Remember: I may not be an expert on this.

I have been blessed in that for about the past two and a half years (two and three-quarters years?), I haven't had to worry too much about my next project. They just kept lining up and I just kept knocking them down. Felt good. Felt great, actually, to be consistently working. And I was thinking that with Hamlet ending, I might want to take a little bit of a performance break and focus on other stuff - writing, perhaps building a YouTube show, being a normal person with friends, whatever. In the two weeks since Hamlet essentially ended, I have learned that I cannot do that. I still want to do the writing and the being a person and all of that, but I have to keep trying for acting jobs. I'm not getting any younger, you know, so I need to keep auditioning for these roles while I might have a fighting chance of getting one of them.

To that end, I have scheduled three auditions for myself within the last three days. Most of them involve having a monologue. I think you all know how I feel about monologue auditions, but if I chose to skip all monologue auditions, I'd have nothing to audition for. But it has started me on the path to finding a new monologue or two. I've been using the same couple over and over again for a while now and I'm kind of tired of them. I read a play and a half last night, and am hoping to read another play and a half tonight to try to find some new material to work with. My only hesitation is that the audition I have this Saturday is one at which I would really like to do well - I'd really like to work with this theater - but trying out new material on them may not be the best idea. Then again, using tired old material may not be the best idea, either. So we'll see. Maybe by the time my third audition rolls around in a couple of weeks, the new stuff will be the good stuff and I'll nail the audition.

So that's where that stands. I'm reading plays like a fiend looking for new material so I can get an acting job so I can do the writing and the YouTubing I want to do on the side. Such is the life of an actor, I guess.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

September 7 - Pampering

Principal photography wrapped on Hamlet: The Series today. I think part of why I am so sad about it is that I want to do it again. I want to do it better. Not that it won't be a good production; but I want a chance to do my parts better. To feel more. To affect more. To raise the stakes, so to speak. I want to do it again. But I can't. The performance I gave is the performance we'll have on tape and it is the performance people will see. I hope it is okay. 

So now I get to mourn the passing of this project and my Hamlet. Which makes me feel like I should pamper myself for the rest of the afternoon. Eat decadent foods. Watch brilliant television. Read a book. Just be nice to me so I can deal with this loss. 

And now I get to focus on wanting desperately to see the finished product. 

September 6 - Sad

I'm sad today.

Before I go into why I am sad, let me just say that it is perfectly normal to be sad from time to time, and I have found it best to embrace the sadness as opposed to trying to avoid it. If I figure out why I am sad, I can deal with that thing and the sadness will go away as a result, as opposed to trying to just not be sad. That doesn't deal with the issue.

So anyway, today is a day to be sad for me. It has nothing to do with all of the sadness and suffering in the world, or the really difficult decisions that are being made right now concerning Syria, or anything that really impacts anyone but me. It is my own little personal bubble of sadness. The kind of bubble that goes nicely on a couch with hot chocolate, a super soft sweater, and a sad movie.

I am sad today because tomorrow is the last day of principal photography for Hamlet: The Series. In many ways, this is just the beginning of the project - it can then be edited and shared and discussed and it will be around forever. For the rest of my life, I can say I played Hamlet and I can show it to people all around the world. But for the actors in it, principal photography is the fun part. That is when we get to do what we do. All of the preparation, all of the rehearsal, all of the time spent analyzing dialogue and building characters all comes down to the actual performance, which in film, happens during principal photography. Once that part is done, we just sit back and wait for the thing to be done. We can move on to other characters and other projects, and for the last two and a half years, that is exactly what I have done to help with the mourning process as I say goodbye to all of the characters I have played, all of the amazing people I have worked with. If I keep myself busy and preoccupied with the next project, the next show, I don't have time to get too sad about this show ending.

I don't really have the next project in line yet. I have projects in the pipeline; don't get me wrong. But I don't have another character to inhabit yet. Another person to bring to life through my actions and someone else's words. And this makes me very aware of how empty I will feel when I'm no longer sharing body space with Hamlet. She first came to live with me a little over two years ago. It has been an extraordinarily long process, with ups and downs and stops and starts and frustrations and joys. We have laughed so hard on set. I have cried so many tears. I have spent so many hours with the script and my Shakespeare Lexicon books, trying to figure out who this person is and why she does the things she does and now that I finally sort of feel like maybe I have it, she's moving out. Unlikely to come live with me again. I've gotten used to her. I've grown to love her and empathize with her. And in the absence of another character coming to live with me, I just get to feel her slip away as I mourn her leaving.

I am looking forward to shooting these last bits tomorrow, because it means the project is that much closer to being done and I will be able to see the fruits of all of our efforts. But for all of the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that her flesh is heir to, I have loved this project and I am sad to see it coming to an end.

So I am sad today. I will be less sad later.

August 24 - Update

So as of today, I believe principal photography for episodes 1, 4, 5, and 6 of Hamlet are finished. There are just tidbits of episodes 2 and 3 left, with some various and sundry inserts and possible reshoots. Honestly, it feels weird. I've been working on this for so long. There have been amazing days and unsure days and frustrating days and those days where it was reinforced that acting is what I need to be doing with my life. It has been a roller coaster, and while it isn't quite finished for me yet, today felt sort of like the end of something. 

I'm not ready to be done with it yet. 

I am very much looking forward to seeing how it turns out. I hope it is everything we want it to be. I hope people watch and enjoy it. But however it turns out and however it is received, I will get to say for the rest of my life that one summer, I was Hamlet. 

Totally worth it. 

July 30 - Stuff

I am having lots of thoughts today, some of which are appropriate for posting on the interweb and some of which are not, so let's talk about the ones that are, shall we?

VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August) starts up again in two days - appropriately enough on August 1. I have participated and succeeded in vlogging every day in August for the past two years, so I signed up again this year and am hoping I can keep my streak going. It's going to be a challenge with all of the other things I have going on, but I'm going to try for it.

For those of you who don't know, a vlog is a video blog, usually posted on YouTube. That's it. People talking about stuff in video form, and they post it and we all comment on each other's vlogs and it's an interesting way to make friends in this crazy cyber world of ours. The last person I tried dating, I met through VEDA.

The thing about VEDA for me, though, is that I want to make fun videos. I want to make content that is engaging and entertaining and maybe has some production values not found in some other vlogs. I try not to shoot them on my phone if I can avoid it, I try to make sure I am audible and properly lit. I even make the occasional parody video to avoid being just a talking head all of the time. It's fun. A lot of other vloggers look for the real, intimate connection that comes from being a talking head talking about your most intimate moments - fears, hopes, dreams, whatnot. Last year, I felt I missed out on some of the community that forms around VEDA since I was focused on my own content and since I didn't necessarily have a weepy connection video where I poured my heart out. I poured my heart out in other ways, which spoke to a different audience. Which is fine.

So I find myself in the position of wanting to keep myself entertained making these videos as much as I want to keep my audience entertained and engaged. But how much of the community do I sacrifice for the sake of creative content? How much creative content do I sacrifice for the sake of community? I don't know yet. We'll see where the month takes me.

Oh, and if you want to check out the videos I'll be making, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel here. Subscribing ensures you won't miss anything. If you want to check out the other vloggers or join the fun, you can sign up here.

See you on the interweb!

July 29 - Thoughts on Acting

It's funny; a lot of people think it's odd that I consider myself an introvert yet I am so passionate about acting. They think it an odd contradiction to be an introvert but to "crave the spotlight" that comes from performance. The other day, I think I figured it out, and I've been trying to put it into words that are understandable and make sense.

I love acting because it is not about me.

This probably flies in the face of what a lot of actors believe. I have had teachers say that every actor has to have a ginormous ego, every actor has to think they are the best in the world. I think to some extent, that is true - every actor needs to believe in himself and his abilities. But acting itself, for me, is not about me. It is about everyone but me, so it feels comfortable. Let me see if I can explain.

If acting is living truthfully under imaginary circumstances, then what I put on stage will never actually be me. It will be versions of me that are subjected to imaginary, extraordinary circumstances. And the more extraordinary the circumstances, the less actual "me" is there. It becomes an exercise of "what if I had been born to a poor family in the south in 1862 instead of to a middle class family in Chicago in 1977? How would I then react to being courted by someone of a different social standing than me?" There is an element of me in there - my logic, my thought patterns - but the situations and the words are someone else's. It's not about my life on stage, it is about theirs. My job is to bring another person to life. The side effect is that I feel like I get to live more fully because I get to experience all of these other things, through the eyes of other people, that I would not normally if I spent my entire life just being me.

To take it one step further, I believe that as an actor, my job is to make my scene partner look good. I am going to go into every scene I do trying to give my partner what he or she needs to get where he or she needs to be to make the scene work. Hopefully, he or she is doing the same for me. So that's not about me, either. And when I am not doing a scene, but rather a monologue, my job is to make the audience or viewer feel something. It is my job to take them along with me on my emotional journey. So every moment I spend on stage is spent trying to elicit a reaction from someone else. It's not about me.

And even further, and specifically as it pertains to film as opposed to theater, it is about the production design and camera angles and lighting design and music and special effects and whatnot. Film is not an actor's medium. I don't say that to be harsh or to belittle film in any way; I quite love the art of filmmaking and I love performing in films. But I know when I do so, it is not about me. The right editor can make or break an actor's performance. The film would not happen without all of the technicians there, I'm just standing in front of their scenery saying words.

So as an introvert who hates calling attention to herself, it makes perfect sense to me that I would seek out a career where I get to spend time in public (so as to not appear insane) being someone other than myself. I love myself; don't get me wrong. But if people are going to be paying that much attention to me, what better way to allow them to do so without feeling like my personal space is overly imposed upon than to put on a character and do a show?

I don't know that I'm explaining it very well. Suffice it to say that I love acting because it is not about me, and that statement makes perfect sense in my head. I love acting because it is not about me.

July 26 - Words

Hey!

Just a quick blurb. Tomorrow I am shooting two extremely dialogue-intense scenes in Hamlet, so I've spent the week cramming as many Shakespearean words into my brain as possible, which has left very little space for words of my own. I'm not complaining, mind you. I love the puzzle of figuring out what all of these words mean when said in this particular order, and what sort of mindset I would have to be in to say them in this order at this particular time. It's fascinating and fun and brilliant and I friggin' love Shakespeare.

Doing Shakespeare as a film is interesting and challenging - much different than doing Shakespeare as a theatrical production. See, in theater, you have at least a couple of weeks, sometimes a month or two to rehearse, which means you're saying the words and performing the motions every day for weeks until they are so ingrained in you that you can't screw them up. Film does not usually have the luxury of extended rehearsal periods. Often times, you show up to set with your lines memorized and figure out the blocking and props and whatnot on the day. It feels a bit more like "winging it." With Shakespeare, "winging it" is a challenge, because there are very specific words that have to happen in a very specific order and I know professional Equity actors who are thrown for a loop if they have to switch in which hand they hold a prop. So it has required a lot of patience on the part of our entire cast and crew to make these scenes happen the way they are supposed to happen. And since I haven't had weeks and months to say these lines to my scene partners, I find myself cramming for each shoot the week before. I figure at the very least if I know my lines inside and out, hopefully whatever other wrenches are thrown into the system on the day of the shoot, I can handle them. I'm not sure if this is the best way to go about things, but it's working so far. I think.

Anyway. I have a lot of lines tomorrow that I need to make sure are in my head in the right order, so I don't have very many original thoughts floating around in my brain at the moment. It's my own "brainish apprehension." Which hopefully will not inspire me to stab someone through a curtain. Anyway.

Enjoy your evening!

July 24 - One of Two

I think this is going to be a two-post day because I've had an idea kicking around in my head for some time that I want to write about, but I also had kind of a disturbing dream last night that I want to share and I don't want to mush both into the same post, so I'll write about them separately. First the dream (this post), then the idea (the other post). Ready? Here we go...

So in my dream last night, I was in one of those fake Hollywood relationships with John Barrowman while we were promoting a film that we had worked on together. But, as everyone knows Barrowman recently married his partner of 20 years and is openly gay, so the fact that he would have to be in one of those fake Hollywood PR relationships is ludicrous. But who says my dreams have to make sense? Anyway. We were in some fancy schmancy town somewhere for a film festival promoting our project and it kind of looked like the Paris casino in Las Vegas and Barrowman's husband Scott was there, but he and I were still supposed to be all schmoopy and stuff when in public. Which we weren't, really. I did a lot of things on my own while he canoodled with his husband and it kept raining so there was an underlying theme of needing an umbrella and who is going to be polite and hold the umbrella for the other person and whatnot. And at one point, I made some sort of comment about how if we were supposed to be putting on a show for the press, we should probably spend some time together and in a really snippy tone, he replied, "I paid for your cab, didn't I?" Which bothered me in the dream and is still bothering me now that I am awake. I have spoken to Mr. Barrowman in real life twice - once at Comic Con in 2011, and once at C2E2 in 2012 and on both occasions, he was completely lovely. Completely lovely. I follow him on Twitter and he is charming and courteous, while still being completely professional about his work and conscious of presenting the right image in the media. Not a fake image, just one that is worthy of looking up to in case small children feel like looking up to someone. He is a completely lovely person as far as I can tell. Yet in my dream, he was a jerk to me. I hate when my subconscious turns a completely lovely person into a villain. I feel like I need to apologize to that person for miscasting them in my imagination.

So to Mr. Barrowman, I am sorry my brain turned you into a jerk while I was sleeping. I do hope that in real life, we get to work together someday and I am sure you will be just as lovely on set as you were at the conventions. Thank you for everything you do.

July 21 - To Be

I filmed quite possibly the most famous monologue in history today, which may also be the most perfect monologue in history. "To be or not to be." You may know the rest, or think you do, or you may not know any more than those six words. But you know them. You've heard them. Today, I got to say them as if they were mine own.

It is frightening to play Hamlet, because everyone has played Hamlet and everyone thinks their take on Hamlet is the best. Tackling this role invites criticism, practically begs for it. But when you're saying these words that have been said a million times before, you can't dwell on the fact that they have been said a million times before. You can't say them knowing they are cliche. You have to say them for real. With honesty and consideration. As if they have never been said before. As if each word is a brand new thought that just occurred to you in the moment. 

I hope I was able to do that today. I don't know if I brought anything new to the words (other than my gender), but I did my best to say them as if they were mine. And I loved saying them. There is a reason that speech has endured as long as it has. 

To be or not to be. I hope I was. 

July 13 - Hamlet Update

So we shot the fencing and the dying today and I have to say, I so love this project. I love being Hamlet, I love the cast, I love the energy that surrounds it. And I hope, with every fiber of my being, that it turns out an end product that other people can love as much as I do.

The rest is silence.