March 15 - Tips

If you are driving, and approaching an intersection, and there is not enough space on the other side of the intersection for your car, DO NOT GO THROUGH THE INTERSECTION.

I cannot stress this enough. If there is no space for you, I don't care what color the light is, don't go.

As much as we would like to think driving is a personal experience, it is not. It is a shared experience. As a driver, you have to share the road with other cars, bicyclists, pedestrians, construction crews, and occasionally wildlife. The best way to keep things running smoothly for everyone is if everyone works together to keep things running smoothly. This means if there is no space for you, don't go. If you go, you'll end up filling space that should rightfully go to someone else, so they'll honk and get irritated and the people in front of you will try to inch up because they feel bad that you're being a dick but they've go nowhere to go so they get impatient, or you'll move into the bike lane preventing cyclists from going on about their day and they'll yell nasty epithets at you, and the people in the houses and businesses around the intersection will have to listen to the honking and the yelling which disrupts their day, so really all you're doing by going through the intersection when there is no space for you on the other side is being a dick. And as our beloved Wil Wheaton says, "Don't be a dick."

So listen to Wil Wheaton* and the transitive property. If you go through an intersection when there is no space for you on the other side, you fuck things up for everyone else; fucking things up for everyone else is something a dick would do; so by going through an intersection when there is no space for you on the other side you're being a dick. Q.E.D.

Don't be a dick. Wait until there is space before you proceed.

*This message has not been endorsed or approved by Wil Wheaton in any way.

January 25 - It is Stupid Out There

My most beloved Chicago radio station gives traffic and weather reports in the morning, and this morning, the woman doing the traffic report said, "It is stupid out there." Truer words have never been spoken.

This morning, rush hour was greeted with the first measurable snow that Chicago has gotten in about 325 days. That's a long time for Chicago to go without snow, yes. But what never ceases to amaze me is that Chicagoans forget every year how to drive in snow. Completely forget. So for those of you who are terrified of the half-inch of fresh powder on the roadways, let me offer up a few simple tips to make everyone's commute easier.

• That's not a lane. No really, that's not a lane. That's the shoulder. That's where parked cars go. That's the bike lane. That's the median. That's a turn lane, which, I guess, is technically a lane, but you should only be in it if you plan on turning at this intersection. If you don't plan on turning right now, that's not a lane and you shouldn't be in it. Your insistence on making everything that is not a lane a lane is what is making traffic move so slowly in the first place.
• Someone will let you in. Eventually, someone will let you in to the general flow of traffic. It may not be the first car you almost slam into, but generally the car behind that one will let you in. Relax. Breathe. You will not be stuck sitting where you are for four hours trying to get into traffic. You'll most likely be preventing someone else from joining the flow of traffic before the song on the radio ends.
• You will get where you need to go. We all will. It may take a little longer because the roads are slick and people are driving a bit more cautiously, but we all will get there. Relax. Breathe. Just stay the course.
• The road markings did not disappear just because they're covered in snow. I realize this is sort of an addendum to the first bullet, but I think it is important enough to merit repetition. Most people driving in rush hour on snowy mornings or evenings are going places they've gone before on familiar roads. I, for example, drive the same route to work when it is snowing as I do when it is not snowing. I drive these roads every day so I know where the bike lanes are and where there is one lane as opposed to two and when the lane jogs a bit to one side to accommodate turn lanes and what have you. I also realize that not everyone has this same level of environmental awareness, and I also realize that not every car on the road is driving a familiar path. But if you are not sure of where you are going or what the road looks like not covered in snow, there's a pretty good chance that if you follow the car in front of you, you're going the right way. When you start trying to make your own road in the middle of the existing one, you do nothing but create problems for everyone.
• We know you need to get where you're going. We do, too. Everyone is on the road for a reason. Everyone needs to get to work or to school or to the doctor's office or whatever. When it's snowy and icky out, not many people decide, "Hey, now would be a great time to go for a drive! I've got nothing else to do. Let's see how many accidents I can cause!" There may be one or two, but for the most part, we're all trying to get somewhere. And I hate to say it, but where you're going is no more or no less important than where I'm going or where he's going or where she's going. We know you're in a hurry. We are, too. And when you start making your own lanes and traffic rules to try to get there faster, you actually slow everyone down. Including yourself.

It is my hope that people can use these tips to not be the stupidest person on the road during this snowy season. Remember - you'll get there. Just relax, breathe, and play nicely with everyone else and you will get there. I promise.