Goals 2016

Last year, I posted a list of my artistic goals for 2015 in the hopes that writing them down would help me achieve them. I did about half of them. I played my guitar out in public (at a gig, not an open mic), I performed in more than three shows that were not projects of my own making, and I landed a couple of roles that got me noticed by critics. I did not make my acting or voice over demo reels, and I haven't finished a play's worth of Stop Hating Shakespeare episodes yet, but you know what? That's okay. My priorities changed a bit as the year went along and that is fine. 

I liked having some defined artistic goals for the year, though, so I'm going to post a few more that I'd like to focus on in 2016.

1. Finish two plays worth of Stop Hating Shakespeare episodes. I've started one play and am having fun with it, so I'd like to finish this play's worth by February or March. Which should leave me plenty of time to tackle a second play next year, too. 

2. Perform in at least three shows that are not my own projects. I like this goal and want to recycle it from last year to remind myself to keep trying. If we're getting fancy, I'd like at least one to be contemporary and one to be Shakespeare.

3. Sing at an audition. I don't know that I'm ready to audition for musicals just yet, but it wouldn't hurt to prepare for it and then give it a shot. 

4. Learn to play the accordion. Perhaps even take some lessons in order to do so. 

5. Learn to play "To Take You Home" on the guitar. It is one of my favorite Frank Turner songs, the tabs are online, it's just a bit more complicated than I'm used to. I would like to instill in me the discipline to tackle something challenging like that and master it. 

6. Get cast in an off-Broadway show. I'm ready for this. Just have to figure out how to make it happen. 

Those are good for now. A couple of simpler ones that are totally in my control, a couple more challenging ones that will make me get out there in front of others. And if I can do all of them, a pretty artistically fulfilling year.

Happy (almost) 2016, everybody. Here's to crossing all of our goals off of our lists!

November 15 - Question

Honest question: what inspires you to explore new art? As in, what makes you see a new play or listen to a band you've not heard before or makes you go to a museum or gallery you've not been to? Or if you don't do those things, why not?

I'm gathering informal research and would like to know. Thanks!

September 26 - Tattoos

I've been seeing a lot of tattoos lately. I don't know if it is that I am out and about more in New York than I was in Chicago, or if there is a greater concentration of tattooed persons in New York, or if I'm still just in that "getting to know you" phase with this city where I notice everything (i.e. the color of white paper, a la David Byrne), but I've been seeing a lot of tattoos lately and I have to say, I love it.

I know there are parts of the world (and parts of this country) where tattoos are still frowned upon. I'm sure there are persons in my life who disapprove of the fact that I have them. But I think you can tell a lot about a person by the tattoos that he or she has (or doesn't have). It's funny - just like I was terrified of cities when I was a kid but have grown to love them, I used to think certain things about people with tattoos that I have now found to be largely false. "Tattooed person" does not automatically mean "degenerate" or "drug addict" or "danger to society." It means someone had something to say that was so important to them at some point in their life that they wanted to write it on their body forever. That's it. Like my Hamlet quote on my foot - I think it is a good indicator of who I am, what I believe in, and where I hope my life goes. And while I have tattoos, I have still had "responsible person jobs" and paid my taxes and performed random acts of kindness in the general direction of people around me. I just happen to like having this design that my friend made and this quote from Hamlet with me at all times. That's all it is.

In an odd sense, it has become a bit more than that for me, too. I find myself drawn to people with tattoos more and more. Maybe not head-to-toe tattoos, but a few. I like hearing their stories. I like looking at the art. I like being able to see this snippet of a person's soul and character right there on his or her arm, leg, foot, neck, or back. Tattoos honestly make a person feel more approachable to me. Which may be weird, but it is what it is. I find myself really liking tattoos, and really enjoying being surrounded by so many people who have participated in this art form.

Can you tell I didn't sleep much last night? Sorry about the not making sense word thing.

August 15 - Hamlet

I'm thinking about Hamlet a lot today. Not exactly sure why, but she's in my brain.

Disclaimer: I know a lot of people are used to thinking about Hamlet in the masculine (i.e. his uncle killed his dad and married his mom), but since I played her, I tend to think of her in the feminine (i.e. her uncle killed her dad and married her mom). So please pardon me when I refer to Hamlet as a she.

Today, I am specifically thinking about the infamous "To be or not to be" speech, probably because there has been so much talk of suicide and depression this week and in the past, when I have been depressed, I have read this speech out loud and it is perfect. It captures my depression and my weakness and my powerlessness perfectly. If you don't know the speech, let's take a look at it (borrowed from here):

To be, or not to be, that is the Question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the minde to suffer
The Slings and Arrowes of outragious Fortune,
Or to take Armes against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to dye, to sleepe
No more; and by a sleepe, to say we end
The Heart-ake, and the thousand Naturall shockes
That Flesh is heyre too? 'Tis a consummation
Deuoutly to be wish'd. To dye to sleepe,
To sleepe, perchance to Dreame; I, there's the rub,
For in that sleepe of death, what dreames may come,
When we haue shuffel'd off this mortall coile,
Must giue vs pawse. There's the respect
That makes Calamity of so long life:
For who would beare the Whips and Scornes of time,
The Oppressors wrong, the poore mans Contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd Loue, the Lawes delay,
The insolence of Office, and the Spurnes
That patient merit of the vnworthy takes,
When he himselfe might his Quietus make
With a bare Bodkin? Who would these Fardles beare
To grunt and sweat vnder a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The vndiscouered Countrey, from whose Borne
No Traueller returnes, Puzels the will,
And makes vs rather beare those illes we haue,
Then flye to others that we know not of.
Thus Conscience does make Cowards of vs all,
And thus the Natiue hew of Resolution
Is sicklied o're, with the pale cast of Thought,
And enterprizes of great pith and moment,
With this regard their Currants turne away,
And loose the name of Action. Soft you now,
The faire Ophelia? Nimph, in thy Orizons
Be all my sinnes remembred.

Some of that looks a little odd, yes? This is the First Folio text, the First Folio being sort of the first official publication of Shakespeare's works, after someone bothered to sit and write them all down. There are other Folios, too, like different editions, that might have different spellings or different punctuation, or that may have this soliloquy happen in a different place in the play. But most Shakespeare scholars tend to turn to the First Folio to try to get as close to Shakespeare's original meanings as possible. If you're not used to reading First Folio text, here are a few hints to help navigate:

• The letter U often looks like the letter V, so "vndiscovered" is actually "undiscovered." 
• Similarly, the letter F often looks like the letter S, and J and I can look similar, because they wrote in very pretty script back then. 
• This soliloquy is written in iambic pentameter (as is most of Shakespeare's verse work), which means each of those lines has ten syllables that happen in a sort of duh-DUN-duh-DUN-duh-DUN-duh-DUN-duh-DUN pattern. 
• A break from this pattern, either in the rhythm of it or in the number of syllables, is intended as an insight into the mental state of the character. For example, some lines have eleven syllables and end on a down-note instead of an up-note. This could indicate sadness or madness or just general off-ness, flusteredness, or confusion. 
• Just because you have come to the end of a line does not mean you have come to the end of a thought. 
• Thoughts end with sentence ending punctuation, like periods, exclamation points, and questions marks. 
• Commas indicate a slight pause, a breath. 
• Colons and semi colons can indicate a shift in thought pattern, and often, a breath. 
• Parentheses are sort of asides, or tangents. 
• If a sentence ends in the middle of a verse line, the next sentence is a rather quick continuation on to the next thought, almost like the speaker is trying to avoid being interrupted. He or she still has more to say and needs to indicate that with the ending of one sentence and the beginning of the next. 
• Verse line endings can indicate that a character needs to "search" for the next word by answering the questions "who," "what," "where," "when," "why," or "how," though this does not mean that every verse line needs to have a big dramatic pause before continuing on to the next. 
• I learned most of this from taking classes with Susan Hart and Jeffrey Carlson and by reading Thinking Shakespeare by Barry Edelstein. I would highly recommend both these classes and this book. Seriously.

The bit that a lot of people look at when looking at this soliloquy is the first bit, "To be, or not to be, that is the question," because that is the first bit and the easiest to remember. And it can mean a million and one different things. I had a sort of awakening when one my high school teachers told us to put the iambic pentameter rhythm to the line and you realize that the emphasis falls on the "is" instead of on the "that." Also, it is an eleven syllable line, so an irregular one, indicating an irregular state of mind. So it's like Hamlet has been searching for answers and not knowing what to do, and she is finally able to identify the problem in it's basest context. The question really is, "To be or not to be." That's it. That is the question that needs to be answered. Now, a lot of people, including myself, attribute this to the contemplation of suicide. I've certainly used it in that context, as mentioned above. And it makes sense. Hamlet has been dealing with a lot of shit recently - her dad was murdered by her uncle, who then married her mom, and the ghost of her dad came back to tell her that not only is his afterlife hellish, but that she needs to avenge his death. She thinks she's going crazy, she feels betrayed by her friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and she hasn't really gotten to talk to her mom about any of this, which, from my point of view, would have helped a lot. I always feel better after I talk to my mom. So Hamlet gets a solitary moment (sort of, she's being spied on, as has become the norm in her life lately), and she wonders aloud whether or not she should end it. It makes sense.

But I think it makes sense in a broader context, too. Apparently, it wasn't until the German Romantics got their hands on Hamlet that she became the moody, ineffectual, emo drip we all expect her to be these days. I haven't seen the articles myself, but the man who played Claudius to my Hamlet did a bunch of research and found that the idea of Hamlet being a man of inaction wasn't so played up until the German Romantics. He had previously been depressed and angry, yes, but not quite the removed, whiny twit we associate the character with, as portrayed by, say, Ethan Hawke. If you listen to the DVD commentary of Hamlet: The Series, I believe he talks about it more intelligently than I am here, because he is the one who actually looked into it. But anyway, when I was looking at Hamlet trying to figure out how to play her, I realized that the language and her actions and whatnot don't necessarily support the idea that she is inactive or ineffectual. She coordinates with the guards to see the ghost. She follows and talks to the ghost. She tasks her friends with keeping her secrets. She concocts this whole "crazy person" personae to throw other people off of her real plan to kill Claudius. She ferrets out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's plans to spy on her. She tries to protect Ophelia. She organizes a play, and writes a new speech to be performed in the play. She finally confronts her mother. She kills Polonius in Act III, thinking it is Claudius. She is completely prepared to fulfill her mission in Act III and does, except it is the wrong guy. She cleans that up. She escapes her own murder by having Rosencrantz and Guildenstern killed instead. And she finally returns to Denmark and gets her revenge. How can one say she does nothing in the course of the play?

So with that in mind, "to be or not to be" could also contain elements of "should Claudius be allowed to live or not" and "should I become a killer or should I not?" Which is a huge question that then speaks volumes about the motivations behind Hamlet's hesitation about killing Claudius on a whim. Many of the things she does throughout the play are to try to get proof that the ghost is telling the truth, that Claudius really did kill her dad. I think it is safe to assume that Hamlet had not previously killed anyone - her dad was the war hero, she was a scholar away at school. And the decision to take another's life is not one that should be made lightly. I think Hamlet wants to know that if she does this, if she becomes a murderer, she will be able to live with herself and the consequences afterward. 

I don't think that in the performance of the line "to be or not to be," the actor has to choose only one of these options. I think that all of these thoughts exist in Hamlet at the time, so there should be elements of all of these interpretations behind this speech. It is a momentous speech designed to talk through a momentous decision, that is obviously causing her distress since she starts with four irregular verse lines in a row.

She spends the next few lines romanticizing the sleep of death, and how nice it would be to not have to deal with the shit life throws at a person, speaking very regularly and logically, before getting to the root of the problem: fear. We don't know what death is like, so it is hard to make an informed decision about whether death is a better option than life or not. She talks about how people screw each other over, about unrequited love, about the annoyances of governmental involvement, about how life just in general beats a person down, and wonders why people put up with that shit when it would be to just end it with a knife. Something as tiny and simple as a knife could make it all go away. If it wasn't for that fear that we don't know what is next. We don't know what happens after the heart stops. And that fear keeps us plugging away at what we do instead of taking action to end things and find out what's next. In more recognizable spellings:

"Thus Conscience does make Cowards of us all,

And thus the Native hue of Resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of Thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment,

With this regard their Currents turn away,

And lose the name of action."

We're all afraid. And as much as we might want to do something, thinking about it, thinking about the consequences and what is involved in actually doing this thing, scares us away from doing it. Because we can think about it and analyze it, we think about it twice, and out of fear, we choose inaction.

I think Hamlet is pissed off about this. Pissed off at herself, pissed off at being human, annoyed with being burdened with thought. And yes, she could be talking about why she hasn't killed herself and why she hasn't killed Claudius all at the same time. She most likely is. But if anyone (Freud) thinks that the motivations for her "inaction" are missing from the play, this is it. Right here. She is an intellectual, and killing someone (be it herself or someone else) is something she is scared of because she has no way of knowing what comes next. She is scared and frustrated and pissed off about it.

A couple of scenes after this, after she has been very publicly inappropriate with Ophelia in front of both of their parents, and after Claudius has given himself away at the sight of the play, she does stop thinking about it and shoves her knife through the curtains to kill the man who has been spying on her. Unfortunately, it is Polonius instead of Claudius on the other side of the curtain, but still. She takes action. She hits that tipping point where fear doesn't matter anymore and she does what she set out to do.

There has been a lot of talk online about Robin Williams' suicide, and whether suicide in general is selfish or cowardly or desperate or the result of depression or drug use or whatever. I already talked about my depression, and I can't begin to imagine Robin Williams'. But part of the reason "To be or not to be" is such a perfect depression soliloquy in my mind is because it shows how crappy both choices are for those considering suicide. And I think when someone finally makes that decision, as horrific as the rest of us find it, it is because they reach that tipping point where the fear of what comes next is no longer greater than the fear of plodding along with things the way they are. It is not about selfishness or cowardice or any of that. It is about needing something else. I think it takes a great deal of courage and strength to go through with it, a kind of courage and strength I hope nobody I know is ever able to find. And I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to not go through with it, and if anyone needs help finding that kind of courage and strength, please just let me know.

Again, I don't condone suicide. And the desperation that comes with needing that specific something else so badly that one has to take one's own life is tragic in the truest sense of the word. If you find yourself in that place, please find help. Talk to someone. Read this soliloquy out loud and really mean every word. Find your one little branch to hold onto. Talk to me. Suicide is not the best option. Ever. Even Hamlet gets that, even if she is not happy about it.

So that's what I'm thinking about today. How Conscious does make cowards of us all. And how sometimes that is a good thing.

I'm also wondering if I did a video blog series about various Shakespearean scenes or monologues if people would be interested in that. Maybe something to do while I'm in New York looking for other things to do. Who knows?

August 3 - Love

I think one of the things I love most about the artists I love is how much they love what they do. If you watch Glen Hansard play music, or Moby, or Frank Turner, you can see that they love it with every fiber of their being. They love getting to share the music with their fellow musicians and with the audience. And they know how lucky they are to get to do that. Like Frank Turner says, "There's no such thing as rockstars, there's just people who play music/And some of them are just like us and some of them are dicks." These guys, the musicians I love, are just like us. But luckier, obviously.

I hope I can bring that love of art into the rest of my career, too. I want to be the sort of person other artists like working with because I'm positive and energetic and fearless and encouraging. I want to be the sort of person who audiences love to watch because I've invited them on my emotional journey and they're along for the ride. I want to be one of those artists who loves making art so passionately that everyone else around her wants to make art, too. And I want to be the sort of artist who gets to share my work with all sorts of people and who is grateful for every second spent on stage.

Please don't let me forget about that.

March 21 - Creation

I found a quote online today that is attributed to Cyril Connolly and states, "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." That hit me rather hard as I'm pretty sure I have approximately three readers (no official subscribers) of this blog, and as I am going to host a workshop/reading of a new short play I wrote on Sunday night. I'm terrified nobody will like the play, even though I already know at least one of my girl friends does. I'm terrified that if I produce it or film it or whatever, submit it to one-act festivals, that it will be dismissed as trite, unrealistic, insignificant, or derivative. I think that is one of my biggest fears as an artist in general - that nobody else cares about the art I create. 

But the thing is this: I create because I can't not. When I get an idea, I have to do something about it or it eats away at me and becomes all-consuming. I have to have a creative outlet of some sort at my disposal at all times, be it a pen and paper or a guitar or a monologue to parse for subtext or whatever. I have too much creative energy to be contained in this body - I have to be able to let it out in one way or another. 

So the quote from Cyril Connolly found me at the right moment. The moment when I am full of self-doubt, on the brink of throwing in the towel, and reminded me that first of all, I make art for me and that is the best possible reason to do so; and secondly that while it doesn't matter if other people are paying attention or not, if I don't at least try to put it out there, I'll certainly never know if there was someone else who found my art when they needed it. 

Thank you, Cyril. 

October 17 - Art Odditities

We've all read stories about people who have done really extreme things for their art. Everything from gaining or losing weight for a film to the performances done by the man who is the subject of the film Sick to Daniel Day Lewis going out to live in a log cabin for four months so he could get the Abraham Lincoln thing. We've heard of people living out of their cars while they tour as musicians, selling CDs from their trunk. And I think to some extent, we've all taught ourselves that in order to be a successful artist, you have to be just a little bit crazy, or at the very least, willing to do the things that other people won't.

But there are little things we do as artists, too, that aren't as glaringly life-altering as some of the things mentioned above, but they give an authenticity to our work. For example, I find myself getting cast fairly regularly as a married woman. I am not a married woman, nor have I ever been a married woman (not really). And I'm not talking about going out and getting married so I know what it is like to be married - every relationship is different, and even within the context of each play, each marriage is different. But married women wear wedding rings. In my regular, everyday life, I do wear rings, but not on that finger. Putting a ring on that finger feels strange and foreign to me. A little over a year ago, though, I went to one of those cheap jewelry stores in a mall and found a selection of rings that could look like engagement or wedding rings so if I need one, I have one. I got a couple of different styles, too, so they could be appropriate for the different kinds of marriages I would have in these various plays.

The show I am working on now involves me wearing a wedding ring. I'm wearing one today so I can get used to the feeling of a ring on that finger. My character isn't even supposed to really notice the fact that she is wearing the ring until the fifth scene of the play, so I feel like for me, I need to not be aware of the fact that I'm wearing a ring on that finger. So I'm practicing by wearing something that looks like an engagement ring in my everyday life.

People do strange things for their art. They don't always make headlines, but in my mind, sometimes it is the tiniest differences that make the piece that much more authentic, real, and relateable.

September 25 - Love

Fear of a new room

Will I be liked? Will I fall?

Artists will catch me

August 19 - Creativity

The by-product of negativity is that it kills creativity.

I notice that when I get in really grumpy moods or let the little annoyances of the day get to me, I don't feel like doing anything creative. Hell, I don't feel like doing anything at all. I wake up in the morning, knowing I can do anything, wanting to tackle the day and make something brilliant out of it, but the negative energy seeps in and I feel like the day is lost. If I have to do something creative later, like write or make a video, it feels like a chore and like I have to start all over pumping up my energy level. This is bothersome.

Today, I fought the grump and made a silly little video for VEDA. It's not going to win any awards, will probably get thirty views maximum, but it was fun to make, fun to edit, and I have fun watching it. It makes me giggle. It started out feeling like a chore to make a video, but I made myself create something, and I made something that might make someone else giggle, too. That feels pretty good. That is one of the reasons I enjoy being creative, the buzz I get when I get to share my work with other people.

Now, if only I can figure out a way to keep the grumpies from making me dread seeking out that buzz...

July 3 - Problem (Not Really)

I love that I am a creative person. It is largely how I define myself. I think of myself as an artist and a creator, rather than a consumer or destroyer. And truth be told, I am a terrible consumer - I can always think of a reason to not buy something. As I type this, I'm wearing a little black cardigan that is probably five years old and is so worn I have had to fix the sleeve seams two or three times, sew buttons back on it, and the cuffs are now so frayed and stretched out that I can't really push up the sleeves anymore. But I still wear the cardigan because it still functions as a cardigan and I've not been bothered to go buy a new one. Like I said, I'm a terrible consumer. (Unless it is TARDIS themed merchandise, as I seem to have an abundance of that - TARDIS watch, TARDIS notebook, two TARDIS lunchboxes that came with coasters and TARDIS travel mugs, TARDIS teapot (a gift, but still), TARDIS phone case, TARDIS bobblehead, two TARDIS t-shirts - seriously, what is wrong with me?)

But back to the point. I am the creative sort. I like making things, I like having ideas, I like working on projects. And I often find that the more projects I'm working on, the more ideas I get for other projects I should be working on. Granted, not all of them are good ideas and I don't always see all of them through, but it's like creativity begets creativity. The more I'm working, the more I want to work.

Which, of course, means now that Hamlet is in the middle of shooting, I'm being bombarded with ideas. I'm playing my guitar again, I'm auditioning again, and I had one idea this morning that is probably so crazy crack-pot too big for me to handle on my own that it might just be brilliant. My mind is abuzz with plans and thoughts and ideas and people I would want to approach to collaborate and things I'll have to do to sort out the legality of some issues and whatnot and the more I think about it, the more I think it could be really fun.

But, of course, I have to spend about nine hours a day at my day job. Where I don't get to plan and investigate and collaborate on these amazing creative ideas that I have. I have to do the things that I have to do to make money so I can live and have an apartment and eat food while I have all of these lovely creative ideas. Sigh.

Such is the curse of the creative person - trying to find balance between creation and survival. I will admit that maybe my balance is a little too skewed toward survival every now and again. I hope that someday, having to choose between the two and having to schedule time in which to be creative is not such a challenge. I hope someday I just get to create.

June 26 - YoM

First off, I want to say that in the past couple of years I have tried very hard to expect very little of this day so that when and if very little happens, it's okay. So I expected very little this morning, but have already received quite an outpouring of love so I want to say thank you for that. Thank you for remembering.

And thank you to my parents because without them, I wouldn't be here. Literally.

Anyway.

I don't want to do a full-on recap of the last year, or another chat about how awesome it is to be vegan now that I am eleven years into what was going to be a one year experiment. Instead I'm going to tell you about a little project that one of my friends thought up. Her birthday was Monday, and she decided to take a selfie every day for one year, starting on her birthday. I told her I would if she did, so I am. I even signed up for Instagram to capture them all and everything. And now that I have shared that link, I should probably fill out a profile so it's not just a sad looking page with one picture on it, huh?

I don't know what I'm expecting to achieve by taking a picture of myself every day. I'm also wondering if "selfie" means "full face picture" every day, or if there is room to play with that a bit. Knowing me, I'll probably play either way, as long as some part of my body is in the picture and I'm the one taking it. But we'll see. We'll see what a year of pictures of me yields. Hopefully something more than just 365 pictures.

Happy Wednesday, everybody!

Oh! And the hashtag I'm using on the pictures, YoM, stands for Year of Me. But it also sounds like yum, which is why we chose it.

June 24 - With a Little Help From My Friends

I know this may sound odd coming from me, the Queen of I Can Do This Myself Thank You Very Much, but there are some things that you just shouldn't do by yourself. As hard as it is for me to ask people for help, sometimes you have to suck it up, relinquish some small piece of control, and ask someone to help you with something. It's not the end of the world, and sometimes, it makes for a better end product.

Now, I'm not saying you should abandon your sense of self or your opinions or anything and give in to another person. We all know I'm a big fan of doing things alone - I've traveled the world alone for crying out loud. But I think it is important to know your limitations and to know when it is better to ask someone to help you.

Moving, for example. I would not recommend trying to carry a couch up and down two or three flights of stairs without assistance. I have carried a mattress down three flights of stairs, but I could really only do that because the mattress was flexible so I could navigate around the corners. I would not try a couch on my own, nor would I recommend you try it.

I think the idea of asking for help is particularly difficult for artists. In this age of everyone wanting to protect their own creative content, the thought of asking someone else for assistance or input is scary. How much of my credit will they get? How many opinions are they going to spit at me while I'm trying to create? How do I politely tell them that this is my vision, not theirs, so could they please just hold the light bounce card and keep their opinions on amber gels to themselves? Because as artists, we all also want to be liked and respected, especially within our own artistic communities. I think we're afraid that if we don't turn every act of assistance into a full-on partnership collaboration, we'll be disliked and disrespected. I don't think that is necessarily the case, but I do recognize the fear. I've had that same exact fear.

I will say this, though. There are certain projects that are made so much better through collaboration. I wrote and directed a children's musical several years ago, and it was scary to hand over choreography to someone else, and costume design to someone else, and the performance of my characters to these other people. But my actors were brilliant from start to finish. They played along with all of the exercises I threw at them, but still infused their characters with their own lives and flavors. The costume designer was brilliant, as she was able to dedicate the time and energy to making things I would not have had time to make on my own. The choreography was fun and simple and made me squeal with glee every time I watched the dance numbers. It was through this collaboration that the show became what it was - an absolute joy. And while in my mind I sometimes think of it as my show, I really know that it was our show, and I loved being able to share that experience with those people.

So I wonder, as I pick up my guitar again, should I be playing with other people, too? These other video project ideas that I have, should I get a camera operator and an editor? Because I'm sure I can do these things on my own, but I can't help but wonder how much better they would be if I had help.

Just a thought.

June 13 - Musical Discovery

I was driving to more Hamlet auditions last night because we lost another Claudius, and kind of dreading being out and about in what was supposed to be an absolutely horrid storm - the kind where my mom sent me a text urging me to stay home - and listening to the absolute best radio station in the country. Admittedly, I was a little disappointed in some of the songs they were playing yesterday. Sometimes, they have my mood spot on, but yesterday was not one of those days, so when the DJ said they would now be playing a song by a little-known-on-this-side-of-the-pond British folk-y singer, I nearly changed the station to find something stupid and mindless but familiar. How often do we as people do that? How often do we rather bear the ills we have than fly to others we know not of, even if all that is at stake is listening to a three-minute song? But the light was changing and rather than use that time to scroll through radio stations, I used that time to drive and ended up hearing this song.

Go ahead and take your time listening. Or, if you give it a listen in another window while you read this, make sure you go back later and give it a listen when you can pay attention to the lyrics because they're kind of cute but surprisingly clever.

Cute but surprisingly clever. Sounds exactly like the sort of thing I would like, yes? And I did. I do. I stayed glued to my radio station until they said the artist's name again because I was only half paying attention the first time, and as soon as my car was stopped again, I found his newest album on Rdio.com. I even splurged on using some of my limited data package to listen to the first five songs on the album as I was driving home from the auditions (which went pretty well, in case you were wondering). Of the five, I fell in love with four and really enjoyed one.

I don't know what it is about certain musicians. This guy, Frank Turner, has a little bit of a whiny/yell-y voice, and his chord progressions don't sound terribly complex. But like I said, his lyrics are cute surprisingly clever - there are a couple of lines in "The Way I Tend to Be" that absolutely wrecked me in the best possible way. And then, following that on the record is "Plain Sailing Weather" which had me laughing so hard at the opening chorus, I was squeaking. And the tunes, while maybe not groundbreaking, are fun (I think his punk background helps keep him from falling into the "music to slit your wrists to" camp many folk-y singers fall into) and the instrumentation fills them out nicely (there is the occasional mandolin in his work, but it doesn't feel as hipster as some other artists using mandolins these days for the sake of using mandolins), and you can tell he's singing and making music because he has something to say and this is the only way for him to say it. Lucky for me, I like listening to the way he says what he needs to say.

So I did a little more digging, went to his website, and he says anyone is welcome to email him whenever and he'll try to respond to as many messages as possible. And he often hangs out after shows to chat with the crowd. And he plays 200+ gigs per year. So now I'm waiting for him to come to Chicago again - he was here last September, but I don't see anything on his tour schedule indicating a Chicago date. Because I have a feeling from listening to a couple of songs, watching a couple of videos, that his show will be one of those shows full of the kind of energy I need to recharge my artistic batteries every now and again, like a Glen Hansard, Moby, or Mike Doughty show.

So I guess the moral of the story is to listen to your local radio stations and to take the odd chance on a new song you've not heard before from an artist you've never heard of. You might end up falling in love and finding a piece of art that touches something in you that you didn't even know needed to be touched.

And thank you, Frank, for your tunes. I'm looking forward to exploring your musical catalog further, and maybe picking up my guitar again to learn how to play a song or two.

May 20 - Two. Sometimes Three.

Pardon me while I borrow a tired cliche, but I live two lives, really. Sometimes three. Much of the time, I don't really notice - I'm aware of them, I'm aware that lines between my day job life, my artistic life and my friend/family life exist, but they're just kind of there. They don't usually blind me like a neon sign. Every once in a while, though, two or more of the worlds are forced into this strange juxtaposition and I can't look away no matter how much I might want to.

I spent this past weekend at a convention with a bunch of artists - writers, mostly, but there were other artistic disciplines represented as well, from musical to culinary to design. It was a weekend of discussions about hopes and dreams and project ideas and creation. I had a wonderful time and met some truly inspirational people who I hope I will know and continue to get to know for years to come.

Today, I was back at my day job, working the floor of a trade show. There were discussions about technology and how things work and value propositions and what makes our equipment better than that of other companies. There were some familiar faces, plenty of smiles, lots of handshaking.  Everywhere I looked, I saw faces that I hoped were the ones I had met over the weekend, coming to greet me with an eight-second hug that would bond us for life. Sadly, they were not there.

And I couldn't help but notice the difference between an artistic conference and a technological conference. I don't mean to say that one is bad and one is good, or that I enjoyed one and not the other. Both have their merits, both provided stimulation and a little break from the norm that was much needed. But while one is good, the other is the reason I exist. One makes me feel like I did something productive; the other makes me feel like I contributed to the human race. One filled me with wonder for what people can build; the other gave me faith in who people are.

As I continue on in my life, I hope I can balance the amount of time I spend at each of these activities a little better. Having faith in humanity allows me to present the technology better. Knowing the technology helps me connect with humans better. But in either case, in either pursuit, I want to always feel like I am contributing something positive to the human race.

Thank you to my friends, old and new, who I met at the artistic conference over the weekend, for reminding me what a brilliant species we are and just how amazing we all have the potential to be. I love your faces and hope to see you all again very soon.

March 20 - Creativity

I love having projects. I don't function well if I don't have some sort of project to work on. Having some sort of creative project is what keeps me sane. Without a creative outlet, I would likely not be alive anymore.

I wonder what it is like to be the sort of person who isn't always working on six things, the sort who doesn't have a half-dozen ideas for things they would like to do and build and make and play with. Do those people exist? I'm not trying to be snobby; I just don't know. I think I've always been an idea person and a creator, so I don't know what it would be like to not be that person.

I have an idea that I'm working on (more details to follow) and I'm really excited about it. That excitement leads to more ideas and more planning and more problem solving and will hopefully result in something really freaking cool. I'm geeked.

What is your creative outlet? What gets your brain buzzing?

March 17 - St. Patrick's Day

I am proud to be Irish. I love being Irish. And as such, I refuse to don seventeen shades of green clothing on the Saturday night before St. Patrick's Day and drink myself into a stupor. There is so much more to being Irish than loving green and drinking whiskey and beer. Yes, I like those things, but there is more to being Irish than that and to be honest, it bothers me that this is the bit of Irish culture that is most universally celebrated in the United States.

Today, since it is officially St. Patrick's Day and I am officially Irish, I am going to eat a shepherd's pie, allow myself to drink a non-vegan Guinness (because I am more Irish than I am vegan and gosh darn it I miss Guinness), and listen to some Irish music. Spend time with friends. I had a brilliant morning with my mother (also Irish). That's what being Irish is about to me - friends, family, art, and good food.

Slainte!

Sorry for the crap post - I have too many ideas in my head to be coherent right now and I watched 50/50 today which is absolutely brilliant. I'll be better tomorrow. Promise.

February 23 - Artistic Expression

I went to a collage workshop today. We were supposed to focus on something we would like to manifest for ourselves, so I focused on my acting career. And this is what I made, presented without further comment.

January 28 - Creativity

As one who likes to think herself the creative sort, it can be kind of hard to admit this one simple truth: Creativity Happens.

There was a tidbit on the radio about brevity or conciseness and how that factors into rock and roll. Songs being made and then tweaked so they are appropriate for radio play, that kind of thing. And my thought is this - a song is going to be as long as it needs to be. A book should be long enough to tell the story. A film should be long enough to take the viewer on an emotional journey. I think that each of these things can be accomplished in a sentence or in a minute or in 2 hours or in 1,000 pages. I think, as artists, it is up to us to let our art be what it needs to be, let it finish when it is done, without worrying about it fitting into the audience's preconceived notions of what our art should be. I would like to think that there is a greater audience seeking out truth and honesty in art than is interested art that fits a certain definition or timeframe.

That being said, today is not a creative day for me. I had rather upsetting dreams last night and a lot of concrete things I need to do this week. So I am going to let the creativity not happen today, knowing it will at a later date.

Enjoy your Monday.