Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have a lot to be thankful for at this time in my life, so it felt only natural to come out of blogging hibernation to talk about some of it. For the past few months, I have been feeling particularly blessed, and I want to honor that for a minute. Apologies if this gets really sappy.

I am thankful for my cat. I told him this morning all of the things about him that I am thankful for - that he didn't die that first night he stayed with me when he was so sick, that he eats his food every day, that he moved to New York with me and put up with an apartment that had no windows, that he trusts me. He melts my heart every day, even when he's driving me nuts, and for his existence and companionship, I am forever grateful.

I am thankful for my family. Yes, they are 1,000 miles away, but the love and generosity and support they provide even from that far away is mind-blowing. I am including in this group family through marriage/committed relationship as well. My family is truly a quality group of people and I am so lucky to be part of that.

I am thankful for my Chicago friends, who still love me even though I moved 1,000 miles away and still include me in the little inside jokes and funny email chains. They are some of the best people I have ever known, and I treasure them, even though I don't get to see them as often as I would like.

I am thankful that my best friend has found his person and that they are going to spend the rest of their lives together.

I am thankful for my roommate and my New York friends who live upstairs. They have become so dear to me in the short time that I have known them because of their honesty and generosity and love. Had I not met them, New York would not feel like the home it is. And I'm grateful that I get to spend Thanksgiving with them, celebrating both vegan and non-vegan food.

I am thankful for my job. So beyond thankful, I don't have the words to tell you. I have found a place in New York where I can be helpful and giving, where the people around me are also helpful and ridiculously generous, and where together, we get to do things that change the conversation. Maybe not in huge, earth-shattering ways, but in smaller ways that are absolutely intended to improve quality of life. I have never had a day job make me feel so welcome, so cared for, so appreciated in my life. I had no idea such a place existed and I am thankful every day that I found it, and that they all embraced me with open arms.

I am thankful that I have found other theatre artists in New York who let me practice my craft with them. I am thankful for the conversations about Shakespeare, the bonding over geeky things, and the freedom to play and be completely vulnerable. I am thankful for all of the audience members who have come to the shows I've done, and humbled by those who, without knowing who I am, make a point of letting me know after a performance that they appreciated my work.

I am thankful for my apartment that is warm enough, my legs that always get me where I need to be, and all of the little things around me that help me remember to enjoy exactly where I am. The last minutes and lost evenings. The art and music and life that surrounds me. The tiny, fleeting moments of connection and truth.

I am thankful for my life.

I am thankful for you.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing today, please have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

December 31 - Wow

So I did it. I think I missed three days of blogging this year, but I posted multiple times on other days enough to make up for that. I'm not saying they were all good posts, but they were posts. They got me writing again. Kind of. 

Speaking of which, we saw Once in London last night and it was brilliant. It made me angry with myself for not keeping up with my music, or for allowing myself to be afraid of singing in public for so long. I identified with Guy very much more than Girl, but Girl would be fun to play. And as Bill pointed out, I did get to play a female Hamlet. Maybe one day, they'll flip the gender roles and I can play the one ready to give up on herself who finds someone who believes in her. I've actually been the Girl part in some of my real life relationships - bringing the guy's dreams and talents back into focus. Sometimes I wish I could find someone who would do that for me. 

But anyway. I'm sitting in a Starbucks in Cardiff, Wales, largely for the wi-fi, so I'm not going to get too reflective on my year. But I will reiterate what I said yesterday, that I need to focus on a more direct path to get my career where I want it to be. No more aiming for side-doors and missing. It's time to shoot for the moon. 

Wish me luck!

And have a very safe and happy new year. 

December 25 - Happy Happy

Merry Christmas, whether or not you celebrate it. I hope today is safe and happy for you. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plane to catch. 

December 23/24 - Eve

I missed yesterday. I think that is the third day I've missed this year, and I apologize for that. 

But today is the eve of my trip overseas that I have been looking forward to for months. I'll be going places I've never been before and places I've already seen. And it is going to be amazing. I've already decided - it is going to be amazing. 

Oh, and there's another big Eve a lot of people are celebrating today, too. Hope yours is happy. 

December 3 - Holiday Cookies

So yesterday when I couldn't decide what to blog about, I asked Twitter and SuprMario suggested I write about holiday cookies. My guess is that she wanted a recipe or two, which I am not going to post here. But I do have a lot to say about holiday cookies. Or a little to say that involves a rather long story, so just bear with me.

I will admit that this time of year, "holiday season," is not my favorite time of year. It is actually probably my least favorite time of year, unless January and February are really rotten weather-wise. And I realize that my spouting vitriol at this time of year may be offensive to some, so if you'd like to skip this post, you are welcome to do so. There is a bit of a happy-ish ending, though, if you want to stick it out.

Like most small children, I loved Christmas as a kid. I grew up in a Christian household, so we celebrated Christmas, but I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up, so I knew about Hanukkah, too. I used to love going to either my grandmother's house or my aunt and uncle's house (they had a train around their Christmas tree) and eating warm things and sitting by the fire and opening presents with my whole extended family. In case I haven't mentioned it before, I have a particularly awesome family, and as I got older, I felt especially lucky that I looked forward to spending time with them at the holidays. I didn't dread it like the people on TV (and some of my friends) always seemed to.

But as I got older, holiday traditions started to change. My parents got divorced, and there was discussion about where my brother and I would wake up on Christmas morning - a tradition that stayed in place well after I had moved out on my own and didn't really stop until my brother got married. There was the going to church, but the church I went to changed from year to year (it was the same church my dad had gone to the entire time I grew up, but they changed things internally, and we stopped going to the church my mom went to when I grew up which is where a lot of my local extended family went), and suddenly, I felt really uncomfortable when they started doing Communion on Christmas Eve because I knew what Communion meant to the Catholic Church (we weren't Catholic) and it felt odd to just go up and take Communion without first taking Communion classes or having some big To-Do about my First Communion. I wasn't sure if I was supposed believe in the symbolic act or if I was supposed to believe in transmogrification or what - the whole thing just felt odd to me, but it also felt really uncomfortable to be the only person in the church not taking Communion. Suddenly, I felt sacrilegious on Christmas Eve. And I realize that they probably got tired of singing the same Christmas songs every year, but the music is the best part of the holiday season and they stopped singing some of my favorite carols all together (Away in a Manger, specifically).

Add to that the fact that once I was living on my own, I had the family gathering, church, my dad's house and my mom's house to visit for the holidays and even though they are all local visits, Christmas was turning into a 24-36 hour ordeal, with suitcases, toiletries, and different bags of gifts for each stop. This meant less time for me to prepare, less time for me to be an introvert, and staying over somewhere on Christmas Eve after going to a party and church always meant that my pajamas were cold. Cold pajamas are not Christmasy. They're just not.

I don't mean to poo-poo these gatherings. I love going to them. My brother and sister-in-law always open their home to the family on Christmas Eve and we have so much fun. It is warm and inviting and we laugh a lot and my sister-in-law always makes an amazing meal, including vegan options for me. And visiting my parents at their houses - my dad always puts out little dishes of candies and nuts like he did when we were kids, my stepmother makes us lunch (including something vegan for me), and my mom always has some delicious treat for us and warm conversation. My family is amazing and I love them and the effort they put into the holidays and the things they do to make sure I am included. I am really bowled over by the love and generosity they show every year. Thank you guys for that.

But it's a lot. And in some ways, I feel like the black sheep of my family. I'm an artist. I'm single. I don't have a lot of money. There have been many years when I feel like the gifts I have given my family are inadequate to show them what they mean to me. And I've also gotten to watch my family grow and change and expand so there are these little sub-families contained within, each coming with its own traditions that are specific to that little sub-family. I get to participate in the bigger picture Christmas, but I don't have my own little family (yet) with whom I've gotten to make my own traditions. I sometimes feel like I just get to ride along with everybody else's traditions - which is lovely. I love being included in them - but I'd like to build some of my own someday.

Which is where the cookies come in. There have been years when I haven't had a lot of money with which to buy gifts for my family. But flour, sugar, applesauce and spices are fairly cheap, so I can always bake them cookies. I get to fill my apartment with the smells of the season - apples, cinnamon, and nutmeg - and enjoy the coziness only a warm oven can provide. I get to pour all of my love for my family into rolling out dough, decorating cookies, and wrapping them into boxes or decorative tins. I can try new recipes or stick to the old favorites. I can make as many cookies as I have time to make. And by giving them holiday cookies every year, whether they eat them or not, I get to have one holiday tradition that is mine. That is my speed. That makes me feel normal.

So that's why I make holiday cookies every year. It is my way of coping with this season, participating in it on my own terms so I don't go absolutely batty. And in all honesty, I make some pretty damn tasty cookies. I'm just sayin'.

August 3 - Love

My cat has been doing this thing lately that kills me. If I ever leave the front door of my apartment open for a minute, like if I'm running down to get the takeout food I ordered, or running down to check the mailbox, he'll come out onto the landing and stand at the top of the stairs and wait for me. I think he is afraid of stairs - he has never lived anywhere that had stairs, so I guess it's not all that odd. I have tried putting him on one of the stairs to see if he can figure out what to do with them, but he freaks out, jumps down and runs into the apartment. Which I take as further proof that he doesn't know what to do with stairs and is therefore afraid of them. But anyway, he'll come out and stand at the top of the stairs and wait for me to come back up. I don't know exactly why this melts me, but it does. My baby is anxious for me to come home.

And for those of you who don't know, today is Esther Day, which is why I thought it appropriate to talk about something I love. Esther was a girl, a nerdfighter, who died of cancer at age 16. When asked how she would like her holiday to be celebrated, she replied that she wanted it to be the day on which people told the people they love that they love them. She specifically wanted it to apply to non-romantic relationships. So today, on Esther Day, let me take a moment to tell you that I love you. Yes, you.

Happy Esther Day! Go tell the people that you love that you love them.

July 4 - Independence

Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

I myself am exercising my right to freedom from other people and bucking tradition by not going to a barbecue. I am going to be social the rest of the weekend, so today is my day to clean and study lines and watch stupid action movies. Oddly, I don't feel the need to consume obscene amounts of crappy beer and blow things up like many of my countrymen today. So I'm not going to. If you are, though, please be safe. 

Happy Fourth of July!