40 Before 40

We spend a lot of time making lists of things we still want to do with our lives. You can find I don't even know how many articles about 30 Things to do Before You Turn 30, or 30 Books to Read Before you Turn 30, or 30 Countries to Visit Before you Turn 30 or whatever. You name it, there is a listicle telling what you need to do before that magical day when you turn 30.

Well, I'm about to leave my thirties for the next rather arbitrary adventure, and I'll be honest here, I've been having a bit of a rough go of it lately. Things were looking a bit grim and scary, and it was looking like I was going to kick off my fourth decade with nary a penny to my name, in desperate need of both a vacation and some new underwear. Thankfully, a lot of the things that were scary and grim sorted themselves out so I am okay for the time being (though always looking for opportunities for improvement). But I haven't quite gotten out of the funk of it. When I look at those lists of things I was supposed to have done by now, there is a lot I still have left to do.

So I think I need to look at it another way. Here is a list of 40 things I did before I turned 40, in no particular order, so I have it. So I know my life has not been wasted or misspent. So I know I have good stories to tell.

1. I played Hamlet.
2. I played King Lear.
3. I was in a play for two years straight (Floss!).
4. I starred in more than one movie.
5. I saw the Cubs win the World Series.
6. I caught Sam Mendes' attention with my very odd laugh.
7. I traveled to Australia by myself.
8. I traveled through Europe by myself.
9. I traveled through Europe with friends.
10. I saw the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmore.
11. I fell in love.
12. I rode a camel.
13. I was sold for 80 camels while in Morocco.
14. I headlined the Elbo Room in Chicago playing songs I wrote with a band I put together.
15. I took second place in the Cabaret Division at the American Lindy Hop Championships with the Chicago Shag Team.
16. I got arrested for underage dancing.
17. I played my violin from memory in church when my pages were out of order.
18. I got cast in three plays within a month of moving to New York.
19. I moved to New York.
20. I made life-long friends.
21. I gave an epic best man speech at my best friend's wedding.
22. I met Frank Turner.
23. I spent a summer in Los Angeles.
24. I went to Comic Con. Twice.
25. I bought a car by myself.
26. I raised the sweetest of all possible sweet cats.
27. I built hats.
28. I got my first Shakespearean tattoo done by a lovely Polish man in Dublin, Ireland.
29. I made a dress out of paper clips and ribbon, and one out of playing cards.
30. I saw David Tennant play Richard II, saw David Bowie play Fashion, saw Moby, saw Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (together and individually), saw Oingo Boingo, saw Tim Curry in Spamalot, saw Once in London.
31. I played all of the women in As You Like It (except Rosalind) at the same time.
32. I turned my year-long experiment with veganism into a 15-year (and counting) lifestyle change.
33. I broke someone's heart.
34. I got my heart broken.
35. I went into the ring at a capea. 
36. I voted for the first African American president of the United States. Twice.
37. I wrote and directed a musical for children.
38. I did a touring puppet show.
39. I faced my fears of speaking in public and singing in public and interacting with other humans so that I could become and actor and a musician whose videos and music have been seen and heard around the world.
40. I made people laugh.

Most of this stuff is not the kind of stuff that anyone else would look at and think anything of. It's not a resume that will land me in a hall of fame or win me awards. But I have done a lot with my life - this is by no means an exhaustive list. I'm not done with it, but I haven't been sitting around doing nothing. And considering that I started my life so scared of everything and so painfully shy, the fact that I am who I am now is pretty remarkable.

I'm not going to make a list of the next forty things I have to do before I turn 80. I'm going to see where my life takes me and hope for the best.

March 4 - Aging

I'm going to be honest here, aging really isn't that bad. It's not the best thing in the world, but it is also not the worst. It's probably because of the online circles I hang out in, but I tend to see a lot of tweets and blog posts and whatnot about how terrifying it is to turn thirty or some such thing and really, I can only laugh. I have been much happier in my thirties than I ever was in my twenties or my teens, and I feel like I can get away with a lot of things I couldn't previously, as well. For example, while out dancing last night, I flirted shamelessly with a man I'd not met before, saying completely inappropriate things (which made him laugh), that neither of us then thought twice about. I'm going to be that little old lady who encourages hot young men to take their shirts off, and those hot young men are going to giggle and tell me I'm beautiful and then go back to their hot young wives. I'm okay with that. And apparently, I'm practicing early.

But there are a few things about getting older that honestly do suck. The slower metabolism, for one. And the inability to function on as little sleep as I used to get away with. I used to go out dancing six or seven nights a week, often times going out for something to eat after closing the club, which meant I didn't get home until three or four in the morning, and I would get up to be at work by nine. When I started working at seven thirty in the morning, I was still staying out until one or two. Last night, I left the dance at eleven in an attempt to not be wasted at work today and still failed miserably. I didn't drink anything but water, and it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning. I had to give my eyes a day off from wearing contact lenses, and I caved and drank my first soda in about two weeks just to try to make it through the afternoon. Now, part of this could be because I also didn't sleep very well last night. My apartment has been cold for three or four days (the landlord is fixing the heat today), which is not only miserable in and of itself, but it makes my cat crazy because he's tired of being cold, too, so we didn't sleep very well. But still. I used to be able to skirt by on three or four hours of sleep several times a week. Now if I don't get at least six, I'm toast. What happened?

On the up side, I have a couple of weeks before rehearsals start in earnest for my next project (though I have a slew of assorted meetings and whatnots between now and then), so maybe I can squeak in an early night or two. Here's hoping the heat is back on in my apartment so it's nice and cozy when I get home and I can enjoy a relaxing evening with my cat. And some running and/or hula hooping before bed because like I said, a slower metabolism sucks.

November 2 - Decision

I made a decision today. I was getting ready for an audition, to read for the part of the fairy queen, and I looked in the mirror and I saw beautiful. I saw strength and talent and radiance and brilliance and it was beautiful. I liked seeing that. 

So I decided that I am only going to get more beautiful as I get older. I had my moments as a kid, and a severely awkward stage through middle and high school. And while someone out there may disagree with that statement, I think it would be hard to disagree with the statement that I only seem to be improving with age. So I decided that I am only going to become more beautiful as I get older. 

And to clarify, I'm not talking about Hollywood standards of beauty. I'm talking about laugh lines that give my face character. I'm talking about glistening, silver hair. I'm talking about kind, bright, wise eyes. I'm talking about a welcoming smile and an honest desire to hear other people's stories. I'm talking about a giving nature and a fascination with the world around me. I'm talking about the real, honest, blinding beauty that comes from living a life full of the most human imperfections. That is who I decided I am going to be when I get older. And who I want to be on the path toward becoming starting now. 

So how's your day?