Last week, while I was waiting for my flight which had been delayed, I texted my good friend Sir Fancy du Pantaloons and asked him to entertain me while I waited. The following is the text message story that ensued.
There once was a dragon in a marshmallow kingdom. Everyone was scared of the dragon because he set all the marshmallows on fire. "Don't burn me!" screamed all the marshmallow people in nearby Marshmallow town.
But what the marshmallowians didn't know was that the dragon was just lonely and trying to make friends, but his social anxiety made him snort fire. See, the dragon was originally from 'Smoresville, where snorting fire actually came in handy. But since they were not cannibals by nature, the marshmallows did not know their full yummy toasted potential.
And so, the brave marshmallowians took their chocolate swords and graham cracker shields and went to confront the dragon.
"We're tired of being set ablaze!" they shouted. "Leave us at once!"
And the dragon, in his socially awkward way, tried to politely explain why he had come to their town, but unfortunately, his aversion to uncooked marshmallow smell was just too much for him to take. He began to sweat, trying to control himself, and he could feel the flames of anxiety welling up in his nose. And then, while reaching for a Kleenex, the marshmallowians screamed in fear and tossed the nets made of licorice to ensnare the dragon.
"Noooooo!" cried the dragon. "I'm allergic to licorice! Ah...ahh...AAAHHH-CHOOOOOO!"
And he set forth a massive jet of flame over the brave, but foolish, marshmallowians. And as the flames basked over them, they found the chocolate melt over their body and their bodies began to melt toward their shields.
The dragon felt horrible about what he had done, but the smell of freshly baked 's'mores made him feel at home in a way he'd not felt in a long time. "I'm so sorry!" he shouted. "But I have an idea. I know a magical land where you can learn to live happily as marshmallow-graham-cracker-chocolatarians." And so the dragon fashioned a boat made of gumdrops and wishes and filled it with the marshmallow-graham-cracker-chocolatarians and flew them off to their new home of Camp Milktown.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Until the evil conglomeration of dessert town showed up and enslaved the locals.
We totally need to write children's books.