So I don't know that I believe in resolutions as such, but I do have a couple of promises that I want to make to myself that I'm putting in here in the hopes that this will inspire me to keep them, and/or will get you guys on my case to make sure I keep them.

I promise to be nice to myself on a regular basis, even if it costs money, and even if it means staying home on a Friday night when there are a million things I could be out doing, if I feel like staying in. I've kind of lost track of this whole being nice to me thing and as an introvert, as a person, I think it is important. So I promise to be nice to me on a regular basis.

I promise to not let some guy have so much influence over my self esteem and self image. Anyone who would try to belittle or destroy that doesn't deserve to know me. He is most likely intimidated and scared and doesn't know how to handle it other than by making those around him feel small. I need to remember that and remember that it's his problem, not mine. I'm not going to say there is nothing wrong with me because I know there's plenty wrong with me, but I also know that I am an amazing person and I deserve better. I deserve someone who knows that and isn't afraid of it.

I promise to not let my house get so cluttered anymore. It's driving me crazy. I'm thinking of tackling the problem on New Year's day as part of the hangover solution. I'll totally be in the mood to throw things out.

So yeah, that's it. I hope whatever you guys are doing that you have a very happy and safe new year. I want to be able to talk to you all for many years to come, so be safe, okay? Promise? Groovy.

So I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas, whether or not you choose to celebrate it. If you don't, I hope you had a lovely Monday.

After my 27-hour family gatherings galore ordeal, I finally got home last night to (drum roll please) no heat! That's right, the heat went out. Again. So I called. Again. And nobody called me back. Again. And I called this morning. Again. And the heat finally came on at about 6pm this evening. It's not cranking out very hard, either. It was 57 degrees in here before the heat came on and now, six hours of heat later and it's only 66. I'm thinking I may have to tell them that in all of their trying to fix my radiators by adjusting the valves, that they actually broke one of them. And that I'm not paying for any more unheated days in my place. I sent them the letter laying out the Chicago Municipal Code and it's requirements and how they have failed to meet said requirements, as I'm supposed to. Now it's time for me to take advantage of the remedies prescribed in the Code.

I'm so not looking forward to the rest of the winter.

That, and I'm sick. We're talking three or four Kleenexes to blow my nose kind of sick, and we all know how much I hate blowing my nose. So I'm loading up on vitamin C and zinc, hoping that will help me feel not like crap soon. In the meantime, I'm all about lentils and tea and sitting on my couch piled high with blankets.

Whereever you are, I hope you're warm and not sniffly.

Okay, political crap. Which do you think the general American population is more prepared for, a female president or an African American president? See, I'd most likely vote for either Hilary or Barack if they are nominated, but I'm wondering if this is the best time in American history to make history, if you know what I mean. Even if the democratic candidate is WAY more qualified than the republican candidate, will people vote for the democrat if it is a woman? Or an African American man? I don't know. I know a lot of people who are pulling for either candidate to announce candidacy, and I kind of have to include myself in their ranks. I just hope that if either one of them gets the democratic nomination, it doesn't blow up in our faces, you know? Please let people in general be more accepting than I think they probably are.

So I could talk about politics or the weather or how this drop of oil I ingested today seems to be helping the sore throat I was developing, but seeing as it is almost Christmas, I want to talk about Christmas for a minute.

First off, I'm sorry if any of you are offended by Christmas or my discussion thereof. I know a lot of different people celebrate a lot of different holidays this time of year and I hope that whatever one you happen to be celebrating, that is it wonderful and joyous for you and that you feel safe and warm and loved throughout the season.

But for me, Christmas is coming at exactly the wrong time this year. I have too much going on to take a day or two out of all of it and, I dunno, have Christmas. Which is ludicrous because what I really need more than anything is a day or two off. Out of it all. Christmas is not relaxing for me. I don't know that it ever was. Maybe when I was little, but it hasn't been probably since my parents got divorced and I had to start doing the two houses thing. And then when I moved out of my parent's place, it got worse - it turned into a 24-36 hour ordeal. And then when I became vegan, it became a 24-36 hour ordeal with lots of stuff to schlep around. So to be perfectly honest, I don't look forward to Christmas. No matter how thoughtful the gifts I give people might be, I still never think they are enough. No matter how well prepared I think I am, I always forget something. And yet, no matter how much I mess it up, my friends and family continue to love me. How cool is that?

And this year, playing at the sammich shop, I've been getting requests for holiday songs. I play some funny ones and some not funny ones. And I have to say that I think my current favorite Christmas carol is "Little Drummer Boy." No, I've not had good experiences with drummers in the past, but I'm looking past that at the meaning of this song. A little boy has no gift to give Jesus except the gift of music that he himself made. And it is perfect. I dunno. Maybe it's speaking to me because I'm a musician. Maybe it speaks to me because I often feel like what I have to give is not enough, but those around me continue to insist that I give more than they could ever want. Even if all I have to give is me.

Thank you. I love you. And I wish you a very merry Christmas.

Okay, so let's say person A is of one gender and is typically attracted to persons of the same gender that person B happens to be. Let us also say that person B is of one gender and is typically attracted to persons of the same gender that person A happens to be. Now, if person A and person B are both single, is it safe to assume that either person would be very happy and flattered by the other person saying something along the lines of, "Hey. I think you are really neat and quite attractive?" I think that in general, that is a nice thing to hear, if it is coming from a single person of the gender you happen to be attracted to. Even if said person is thousands of miles away.

So why is it still so friggin' hard to say?

Hey. I think you are really neat and quite attractive.

Of course, you don't know who you is, so chances are (and I'm sorry about this) that it's not you. I do love you all, my readers. But that last bit was to a specific you and now that I've said it, I can get past it, and nobody has to feel awkward about anything because you don't know who you is.

Dude, I wasn't even really drinking tonight. One beer. After lots of food, so it had little to no effect on me. Maybe it's the caffeine talking. Or the fact that I got to sing "Me and Bobby McGee" in a piano bar for my friend for her birthday and I rocked it. I was all gravelly and sexy and stuff. Not quite Janis, but pretty darn close. I really do love covering that song. I hope it is public domain so that I won't get sued for singing it in public, because really, I sing it out of respect for Ms. Joplin and a love for the song, and even out of respect for Kris Kristofferson. It's a great tune. And so much fun to sing. If I'm not allowed to sing it in public anymore, find me privately and I'll sing it for you (and this time, I mean any/all of you) because I have to say, I do rock the Bobby McGee.

Okay, going to bed now.

I took a mental day today. I needed a mental day. Besides the fact that I hadn't had a day off since sometime mid-September, I'm thinking, I have to say that it gets stressful to not know what's going on in your life. I have a lot on my plate, between work and band stuff and band stuff and theater stuff and work, but the middle three things on that list haven't set any kinds of schedules yet and frankly, it's getting to me. I want to hang out with my friends, but I can't really make plans more than an hour ahead of time because I don't know if I'm going to be needed elsewhere. It's a little bit annoying.

So I took a mental day today. I didn't leave my house. I made a couple of phone calls, mostly resulting in voice mail messages. I didn't do anything to my hair, besides wash it and put it in a ponytail. I didn't put in my contacts. I didn't put on any make up. I didn't put on my jewelry or a belt, even. I finished reading the sixth Harry Potter book (I'm finally caught up!) which is now six days overdue at the library, but I figured I can give them an extra ten cents and return it tomorrow. I didn't finish my Christmas shopping, but I did (I think) make a decent list of what I still need to get to give to people. But I needed this. I needed my day. I'm an introvert, damn it! I need time spent not talking to people. I need a day wherein I can nap on my couch with my cat on my stomach. And so I took it today. I'm sorry if it inconvenienced anyone, but as an introvert, I needed my recharge day.

All will be better tomorrow.

Or not.

But here's hoping it will be.

OH! And happy birthday to my Bostonian guy friend. You are and always will be one of my absolute favorite people. I just wish you lived closer. I love you, sweetheart, and hope you had a wonderful day.

So I was watching this birthday party at the sammich shop where I work today. It was very obvious who the birthday girl was, and it was glaringly obvious that she is an introvert. There was another little girl at the party who was very obviously an extrovert, and who was obviously the favorite amongst that particular group of friends. There was one other girl in the group with introverted tendencies, and she and the birthday girl ended up sitting next to each other chatting while all of the rest of the girls crowded around the extrovert and made lot of noise.

I want to say happy birthday to the introvert. And I did. I sang happy birthday to her.

I also want to tell her that it gets better. I had that same birthday party a million times, where all of my friends were talking to each other and not to me, even though it was my party. I want to tell her to hang onto her introvert friend because they will go far and be amazing women when they grow up. I want to tell her to not hate the extrovert because honestly, she doesn't know any better.

I want to tell the birthday girl's parents that they did a good job. They took home a little girl who felt like an outsider at her own party. There really isn't anything they could do about that. To not throw a party would make this girl a social pariah. To throw her a party with extroverts makes her an outcast. Six of one, half dozen of the other. I want the birthday girl's parents to know that it's okay. They did a good job with the party and all of the other girls are going to go home and talk about what a great time they had, and they will all think that your daughter has the best parties. It's just going to take her a while to be able to enjoy them in the same way.

I want to tell the extroverted girl that it would be really nice of her if she could make her friend's birthday about her friend and not about herself.

Happy birthday, little introvert. Someday, if you want to, you get to be just like me. And that's a good thing. I promise.

I can't believe Christmas is only about a week away. I feel so non Christmasy this year. Last year, if you'll remember, I was all about it. This year, it's more of an inconvenience than anything. I'm sorry if that's offensive.

And it looks like I'm going to have to change the template for this blog. It served me well for a very long time, but now that there's this new fancy schmancy version of Blogger out there, my old gray blocks template doesn't work anymore. *sigh*

Here's hoping 2007 is better.

We are a culture obsessed with plastic bags and frankly, it kind of makes me sick. If I go into a drug store and buy contact lens solution and a pair of tweezers, I don't need them in separate bags, and I don't need the one bag in which both items are placed to be double bagged. You know why people started making so much stuff out of plastic? Because it's strong! They make cars out of plastic, for crying out loud, and you trust them to protect you from wind and rain and other cars while you're speeding along at 65 miles per hour, but you don't trust one plastic bag to be able to support the weight of an orange? It has to be double bagged in order for you to feel safe? I'm sorry, but that's ludicrous.

I do have to say that I like the stores that now have their own self check out thingys (they're probably refered to as "kiosks," but I'm not a big fan of that word. It smacks of corporate brainwashing) because as I bag my items, I can use as few bags as I want. I can put all twelve cans of cat food in a single bag, and throw a new toothbrush on top, if I so choose.

Seriously. I went to the fabric store the other day to buy some notions and a bit of fabric. The cashier rung up the fabric, put it in a bag, and put the bag to the side, like he was going to put the notions in a completely separate bag. Wait, what? Are you telling me that the plastic bags at this particular store are so flimsy that they can't handle a yard of cotton fabric and two spools of thread? What? So I told him that everything could go in the same bag, that I gave him permission to not be wasteful, and he was shocked. Shocked. Like what a preposterous idea that I only need one bag to carry my four ounces of purchases. Ridiculous.

I guess what I'm saying is that we've all become wusses. They made plastic bags to be strong. Yes, occasionally one will rip if you're carrying a knife point-side down in it. But that doesn't mean each item I buy needs its own bag. Look at what you're buying, people, and conserve. And then, once you get your bags home and empty them, take them back to the store to be recycled. The proliferation of plastic bags is disturbing. They're going to take over the planet someday, and I, for one, don't want to answer to a plastic bag overlord.

Seacrest out.

A friend of mine lost her father yesterday. He had been sick for a long time, so it's kind of one of those "better in the long run" things, and on the positive side, they saw it coming so she was able to be with him a lot towards the end. But I can't imagine losing my father. My heart goes out to my friend and her family.

I'm so sorry for your loss, sweetheart.

There are times when I think that all I want out of life is to be able to eat tomatoes every day.

Hey.

So yeah, I've been a slacker at keeping this up to date. Sorry about that. I'm still trying to figure out the best internet routine now that I'm working pretty much every day of my life. I'm not complaining -- I do like being busy. I could use a day, though, to just clean my house and record songs and stuff. Maybe soon. Or I'll have to bother my neighbors and record stuff late at night.

Let's see, what's been going on? My heat has been on for about a week now. I figured out, though, that even with it on, it gets cold in my place because I just have single-pane glass windows and no storm windows, so I put that plastic stuff over my living room windows, much to my cat's chagrin. He tried to jump up onto the window sill and bounced off the plastic. Sounded like someone beating a drum. I felt bad, but in retrospect, it makes me think that if I could get a microphone in my living room, I could use the window drums in a song or two. Maybe. Just a thought. And no, I wouldn't hit them with my cat -- I'd use a spoon or a chopstick or something.

And I got to hang out with my Texas friend this weekend and I met her husband. It was so lovely. Though it mostly made me wish that they lived closer (or I lived closer to them) because face time is a really wonderful thing with people like them. We talked about anything and everything and had a lot of fun. And I really like being able to hug my friends. People underestimate the value of a good hug, but lemme tell you, there's nothing like it.

And I wrote a new song. Kind of. I'm still tweaking some of the lyrics and I think it's a song that needs a little more as far as production value. Almost Bowie type production value. In other words, it's kind of weird, which is maybe why I want to do something that I never do and name the song after the person about whom it was written. And not with some crazy nickname, but with his actual name. Granted, he went by a crazy nickname, so if I call the song by his birth certificate name, people still won't know who it is. And it's such a common name that it could be any one of a million people, but I can pretty much guarantee that if you think you know who it's about, you're wrong. But I really want to lay it down, even just a scratch track to put up on MySpace 'cuz it's kind of unusual, even for me.

Anyway. I should go. I have an interview to get to (I'm the interviewer). But I do miss you guys and I miss posting and I'll try to be better about keeping up with it. Promise.

Hey.

Lots going on that I really want to tell you about, but I don't think I can yet, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut for the moment.

I do want to say, though, that my heat went out for the FIFTH TIME yesterday. It stopped around noon, I'd say, and didn't come back on until about noon today, after I called and asked them to. It got down to sixty degrees in my place. Which sounds like a lovely spring day, yes. But when in your tenant's handbook, it asks that when you go on vacation, please don't turn your heat down below fifty-five degrees or it could cause damage to the plumbing, you start to think when the thermometer hits sixty that it's time to turn the heat back on. But it is on now. I just want to make sure it was documented that I went ANOTHER 24-hour period of time without heat. On a morning when I woke up and it was NINE DEGREES outside. NINE. Not even double digits. That would seem to warrant heat. Or maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. The really fun part was when I called the Emergency line, the woman who answered stressed "emergency" as if a whole bunch of people had been calling all day saying things like, "My neighbor's dog is too loud," or "My kitchen needs to be painted." When I said, "Yeah, I have no heat," she rather apologetically took my information. And then when the maintenance guy called me back, he, too, sounded like he'd been asked to spend the day fetching errant frisbees off of the roof and when I said, "Yeah, my heat went out yesterday. It didn't come on last night and it didn't come on this morning," he snapped to attention and said he'd get someone out to fix it today. And to his credit, someone did fix it today (though for how long, I don't know). I just thought it was funny that I seemingly had the magic words to make these people do their jobs. I'm thinking if my heat had just shut off after being on for a couple of hours, they would have ignored me. Or if someone broke one of my windows, they would have gotten to it whenever. But since my HEAT went out YESTERDAY, they felt they had to take care of it now.

People are funny.

Okay, I lied. There's more.

I'm wondering, and maybe if there is an architect out there in the audience, maybe you can tell me: do they teach you in architect school that when you're designing the bathroom in a house, that you should put the air vent in the floor right next to the toilet so that using the toilet on cold days is particularly nice? If so, that's a damn fine education you're getting. If not, keep in mind next time you design a bathroom. Your client will love it.

Hi.

Tired.

That's pretty much it.

How are you?

Hey.

The heat came on all by itself today. I was really excited.

I dunno. I think I'm having another attack of the brown eyed monster or something because I'm wondering at what point does one surrender what one loves in favor of what one is good at? Even if one is good at what one loves, at what point does it go on the back burner in favor of one's responsibilities?

I started late. I think that's my problem. I started following my dream when I already had a responsible life built up around me, instead of doing it when I was more amenable to settling for less. And now that I'm trying to follow it, I'm so frickin' far behind everyone else. And it's hard. And it's expensive. And once, just once, I'd really like a break. Something big. Not something that could lead to something somewhere down the road, but something that really IS something. Just for me. She says in her best Ron Howard in The Music Man voice. But I'm serious. Something big for me musically. Something big for me theatrically. Something big for me personally. Any of these arenas would be fine. Just something big that is something big for me. I'm ready for it. I'm waiting for it. I know it's not coming, but I'm hoping and working as hard as I can to make it happen and I'm afraid it's just not enough. So I ask you, at what point does one surrender what one loves in favor of what one is good at? At what point does one surrended what one loves in favor of stability?

I am kind of flattered that my new boss (a very successful businessman, by the way) sees pieces of himself in me. I see pieces of my high school friend who lives in California who I know reads this (hi!) in him, but that's beside the point. The main difference is that at some point, he realized that he gets just as much of a rush putting together a business deal as he did making music. I don't. I get the biggest rush from performing. For me, there is nothing in the world like it. Nothing. I'm okay being sleep deprived and eating funky stuff and being single as long as I'm performing. That's where it is for me. Performing brings me my highest highs and my lowest lows. You can probably tell, I'm in a bit of a low right now. But I know it'll all go away as soon as I'm back on stage. I'm not ready to give that up yet.

I need to stop saying I'm a mediocre guitar player at best. I play pretty well. Not lead, but I'm a pretty good rhythm guitarist. I need to start giving myself credit for that.

And I need something big. Soon.

Or a financier who will pay me to create and perform. That'd be okay, too.

Still cold.

But I forgot one more thing I'm thankful for: I'm thankful that I'm no longer in a relationship with someone who was only with me because I was there and he doesn't know how to be alone. I realize that might seem like a bitter, spiteful thing to say, but it's a big step for me to say that it wasn't my fault. There isn't anything wrong with the way I handled that situation; it was doomed from the get-go because he wasn't really in it.

I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with me that would prevent someone from wanting to date me. There's plenty wrong with me. But in that particular situation, there wasn't anything right with me except proximity. No matter what, I would have been screwed. Oh well.

Hope you're all warm.

Happy Thanksgiving, kids!

How about a nice laundry list?

I am thankful for my family. They are wonderful, loving, generous people and I am lucky to have them.
I am thankful for my friends. You guys keep me going on a daily basis with your love and support.
I am thankful for my cat, even when he's driving me crazy. He's the reason I get up in the morning.
I am thankful for my music. Nothing soothes my soul like picking up a guitar and playing, whether it is to a room full of people or just to my own four walls.
I am thankful for my theater. There is nothing like the rush of performance and the friendships you make working on a show, and knowing that whatever choices you make, they're okay and you're still safe.
I am thankful for my health.
I am thankful for tofurkey.
I am thankful for chocolate and fruits and vegetables and lentils.
I am thankful for my brain.

But right now, I am decidedly NOT thankful for my apartment as this is the FOURTH TIME IN A MONTH that my heat has gone out for more than 24 hours. Granted, it's not as cold as it could be. We're still up into the forties or low fifties during the day. But it's dropping into the twenties and thirties at night and let's just say it -- it gets cold in here. I've called the regular line. I've talked to maintenance. I've talked to the building manager. I've called the emergency line so many times, I'm surprised they haven't blocked my number. I've talked to the maintenance guy. Nobody seems to know why my heat only works for about two days at a time, and nobody seems to care that my heat only works for about two days at a time. So I'm going to have to invoke my tenant's rights and deduct money from my monthly rent payment. I have been without heat for eight of the last 30 days. That's just not acceptable.

So whereever you are, I hope you are having a happy and safe Thanksgiving and that if it is necessary, that your heat is working. Being cold is miserable.

You guys know that I love you, right? I'm not sure if I say it often enough, but I do. Thank you for reading my drivel. Thanks for sending comments on it. Just thanks.

Though I still love my cat more than you. Even when his breath smells like cat food. He's just so friggin' cute!

Sorry.

Do I intimidate you? Seriously. When you first started reading this, were you intimidated? Have you become more or less intimidated as you've continuted to read?

I'm just curious because to me, anyway, there is a big difference between introverted and intimidating and while I see myself as very much the former, it seems that a lot of people see me as very much the latter. Which amuses me almost to no end. So yeah, just wondering.

Gotta go party now. w00t.