Okay, so I have to say that what I like about the Cubs this year is that the opening day roster was based on performance in spring training, not on names. Yes, Prior was a great pitcher, but he wasn't up to snuff, so they put him in Iowa. I also like it that Pinella says they're not married to their opening day roster any longer than nine days. I have this feeling that he really will let the best guys play ball, and I think that is what the Cubs have needed for a long time. Someone who will say, "Look, yes you're our highest paid player, but you're slumping and this guy is hot, so we're going to let him start a few games until you get your mojo back. And we'll help you get your mojo back, too."

I'm excited. Monday! Of course, I'll be in Houston on Monday meeting my best friend's new baby girl (yay!), but I'll record the game or something. Yes, it's been fun to see a couple of spring training games, but I'm still geeked for the actual season to start. It's our year, baby. It's our year.

Side note: if spring training is any indication, this is NOT the White Sox' year. They've got the worst record in the league. Sorry Southsiders.

But not really.

Tee hee.

Okay, y'all may just have to bear with me as I post every Wednesday about how wonderful music is and how lucky I am to get to make some really great music with some amazing, talented musicians. It's because we practice on Tuesday nights and I can't tell you how much I need, love, and look forward to those practices. I find myself wondering, "Did I really write this song? Do these guys really believe that much in the music?" And the answers to both questions seem to be yes. I wrote these songs that these guys believe in and enjoy and just turn into some really amazing music. We're developing a really cool sound that I can totally hear on the radio, even though I never in a million years thought my stuff would be on the radio, or listened to, or considered good. And I'm having so much fun with them. We're having really productive practices, covering a lot of ground and getting really solid in the songs. We're up to about five now that I'd be comfortable playing out with them (minus the drums -- it's a Spinal Tap story, I swear), and I can't wait to add more. We're going to take the music world by storm, I guarantee that.

Which brings me to why music is so wonderful in general. I never would have met these guys if not for music and they are great people. And even though we have different jobs and lives and interests and stuff, we're brought together by our mutual love of making music. We all just like to play. So once a week, we get together and practice until we're exhausted, but it's the good kind of exhausted. It's therapy. It's three hours out of my week wherein I just get to be happy and do what I love to do. I get to sing and play and laugh and goof off and just have fun. And seeing as they are my songs, I get to sing them how I want to sing them. We tweak until I'm happy. Though I have to say, most of the time, there isn't a lot of tweaking involved. The stuff my boys come up with...I'm so in love with them. But yeah, it's like a little weekly vacation. Some me time, spent doing what I love to do, making something wonderful to put into the world.

When I have children, they will grow up in a house full of music. And if they want to participate in any way, shape, or form, they will be more than welcome. But there will always be music in the house. It's one of the greatest gifts I can give them.

I really am blessed, you know? I need to remind myself of that from time to time.

Kitty, you really are blessed. Stop worrying because it's all going to be okay.

I have no idea how I got so lucky as to work with the most amazing musicians in Chicago, but I did. I seriously don't have the words to describe how much I love my band! We had practice last night (sans new drummer, due to flat tire incident -- it's kind of Spinal Tap, but every band needs a story, yes?) wherein we worked on specific songs, just screwing around with them, messing with sounds, making sure everyone knows the changes and whatnot and somehow, these guys were able to pull out of my brain just what I think the songs should sound like. I'd like to think that they come up with all of this groovy stuff and I fine tune it, but I don't know if that's being too picky or pushy of me or whatever. I think feedback is important. But seriously, if you think Insomnia, Skyrocket and Astoria Park sounded good before, you should hear them with my band. They're rockin'! I honestly don't have the words to say how much I love these guys and what they are doing with my music. And really, it can only get better with percussion. Look out, world! We're going to take the music scene by storm!

Tee hee.

Okay, more in the way of lists.

1- Green tea really is wonderful. I know I tend to tout white tea a lot, and more people should, but green tea is really nice, too. I finally broke down and bought a big box of it to bring into work so I can have green tea instead of the super sweet apple raspberry tea (or whatever it is) that my boss has at his house. Yes, I work in a home office. So what? It means I get to play with beagles daily.

2- Beagles are great.

3- I think I have a drummer. This guy auditioned last week and was awesome and we offered him a spot in the band and he called last night to accept. Yay! Now I gotta spend some quality time doing some shameless self-promotion to get us gigs. Oh, yeah. And we have to practice so we know how to play the songs.

4- Yeah, me too.

5- I'm so ready for spring. It was seventy degrees last week one day, and then it snowed the next day. Today it's 40, and tomorrow is supposed to be in the 60s (albeit rainy). But yeah, I'm so ready for spring.

6- If the people who just won the lottery are looking for something in which to invest, studio time for my band would be a great idea. I'm just sayin'.

7- I kind of wish I had a boyfriend with a motorcycle. I have several friends with motorcycles so I'll probably get to ride at least once this summer, but I do like riding on the back of motorcycles, tasteless as it may seem. I don't think I'd ever want to learn how to ride one myself, but I do like to ride them when someone else is doing the driving part.

8- There is a really big audition on Sunday that I could go to, but I probably won't get, so I'm debating even going. I know I should, just for the sake of going. On the other hand, it's a singing audition and we all know I suck at those. I guess we'll see how I feel about it on Sunday.

9- I need to clean my apartment. Like move furniture and sweep behind it kind of clean. And believe it or not, I may have some time to dedicate to that coming up soon. Yay!

10- I get to meet my Texas friend's baby in two weeks. Less than two weeks. I'm so excited!

11- I think that's most of it. At least for now. Thank you guys for coming here to read this stuff, and thank you for your never ending support. Keep your fingers crossed just a little longer; big things are on the way, I promise!

Hey.

So this one is going to be random and scattered 'cuz I've been thinking a lot lately and not posting a lot lately, so yeah. Lots of stuff. Maybe I should do a list, like Moby does. Here goes:

1 - If you get panic attacks, I'm sorry. If you don't get them, be very happy. If you do get them, my only words of advice are to do whatever your panic attack is telling you to do (as long as it is not destructive). Get out of the situation you are in that is causing the attack. Breathe. Sit and stare at nothing for twenty minutes if you can't make yourself move. Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. And remember that it will go away and you will be fine soon.

2 - It bothers me that St. Patrick's Day is all about drinking. People who are not Irish, who have no ties to Ireland, becoming drunken sots for a day while wearing kelly green outfits with silly sayings on them. I am Irish. Not 100%, but my heritage is kind of confusing, so I play up the Irish a little bit because I don't know what all of the other parts are. And for me, being Irish is about overcoming adversity. Yes, that often happens with the assistance of alcohol, but it bothers me when trixies who have spent their entire lives being handed everything they could ever want on a silver platter pretend to be Irish for a day so they have an excuse to get drunk. They don't need an excuse to get drunk. And they most likely don't know what adversity even means. I'm not saying I'm an expert on hardship, but there is more to being Irish than drinking. That's like saying the only thing to celebrate for Mexican Independence Day is tacos. Eating a taco does not make you Mexican. Drinking on St. Patrick's Day does not make you Irish.

2.5 - Side note: this year on St. Patrick's Day, I had a panic attack, so I went home, drank a Guinness, and ate a vegan shepard's pie. Now, I know that Guinness is not a vegan beer, and to all of the vegans out there reading this, I apologize. 364 days out of the year, I do everything in my power to avoid as many non-vegan things as I can. I don't wear animal products. I don't buy products made from or tested on animals. I don't eat honey. I don't eat gelatin. I don't eat things that have touched animal products. But on St. Patrick's Day, I am even more proud of the fact that I am Irish than I am of the fact that I am vegan, so I drink a Guinness. This pride does not extend to eating corned beef and cabbage, or even a shepard's pie that contains meat. It just extends to one Guinness, one day a year. I know a lot of you eat honey or will just take the cheese off a pizza or whatever, and I don't begrudge you that. Please don't begrudge me my yearly Guinness.

3 - Would you rather have a lifetime of the highest highs and lowest lows, or a lifetime spent on an even keel, more on the happy side than the sad side, but in general even?

4 - I'm ready for something big to happen. Please keep your fingers crossed for me that it happens soon.

I think that's it. I should "work." "Now."

Hey.

So my brain isn't working quite right today, so I'm going to post something that may be controversial and get me into trouble in the distant future. But it is an honest question that I have.

So there is this celebrity who has now adopted three children from third world countries. On the one hand, I think that is quite admirable. She's giving these kids a life they never would have been able to have otherwise. But on the other hand, I'm kind of wondering when she's going to stop. She just had her own biological child not too long ago, too. And while I think it's great that her family is so multi-cultural, and while I know that she has more money than most countries around the world have in their annual budgets, I'm forced to wonder how many children are too many, you know? Kids are a handful. They need a lot of time and attention. Ask any of those parents who couldn't conceive so they went to a fertility specialist and had seven babies. Kids are a lot of work, especially when they're all about the same age. You get into jealousy issues and neglect issues (whether or not the child is neglected, they can feel that way sometimes if they feel too much of the parental time is directed at the other kids). And then there's the fact that these kids are being taken from one atypical life to another atypical life. The majority of children who are adopted don't go to live in a huge Hollywood mansion where they never have to worry about money or food or anything ever again. Most adopted kids aren't watched all the time by paparazzi. Most kids, nay, most people aren't watched all the time by paparazzi. While I'm sure this celebrity is a very loving mother and she takes wonderful care of her children, adopted and biological, I'm just wondering if it's really the best situation for the kids. Yes, it's better than where they were living. But I'm thinking there has to be some happy medium between absolute poverty and the glamor of a Hollywood mom.

Of course, I could be wrong about all of it and if I am, I will apologize in person if necessary. I'm just curious.

Oh! And if I'm allowed to be childish and juvenile for just a minute, is it wrong that I'm getting a sick pleasure out of the fact that the Cubs are 7-6 in their spring training games thus far, while the Sox are 5-11?

Yes, I am that petty. But only about baseball.

So one of the top top military guys in the United States stands firmly behind the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy towards gays and thinks that gays should not be allowed to serve in the military.

Okay, first of all, I said this back when there was the whole debate about should we include women in the draft, and I think it applies here, too. If someone really wants to fight and die in the name of protecting their country, why deny them that right? Lord knows there are plenty of us who wouldn't do that; why discriminate against those who want to? And aren't we running short on troops anyway, due to the disaster that's been going on in Iraq for the last six years? How about instead of instituting a draft to get men and women who don't want to fight to go do a crappy job over there, we just let all of the people who want to go over and fight, go over and fight? Stop telling the patriotic people that they're not allowed to show their patriotism. Seems like a no brainer to me. Besides, not to be too stereotypical, but it seems to me that if there was such a thing as a "breeding ground for homosexuality," the military and prison would be the two places it would happen.

Aside: I don't believe that people "become" gay. I think most people know when they are very young, or that the circumstances of one's life lead someone to fall in love with someone of the same sex. I don't think that watching gay porn or talking to gay people or working with gay people will make you gay. It's not a disease and it's not contagious. I do think that there is a lot of closeted homosexuality in the military, often times in people who don't know how to handle their feelings, so they turn it into homophobia instead of a healthy relationship with a consenting partner. But seriously, let's say you are one of these uber-homophobic closeted homosexuals. Where are you going to feel most comfortable hiding? Surrounded by men doing really manly things like driving tanks and blowing shit up. Right?

I'm coming off really awful, aren't I? I don't mean to be. I think the general who is against gays in the military is being silly. He says he thinks homosexuality is amoral. Like invading another country and slaughtering thousands of people is moral. Dude, you need to reexamine your moral code because something is way out of whack. Last I checked (granted, I'm not a practicing Christian, but I do know something about it), Jesus told people to love one another, not blow one another to little bits. Call me crazy, but yeah. Let those who want to fight fight. And let those who want to love, love whoever they choose.

So I know that the Cubs start Cactus League play today and that there is a game on television on a channel I can watch on Monday, but on a whim, I turned my radio to WGN as I was on a lunch run, just to see if the game was on, and lo and behold, it is! I caught it in the first inning! Top of the first. And I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear Pat and Ron chatting away. Talking about fun plays that I wish I could see. But it's like having my best friends back. I almost started crying with joy hearing baseball on the radio.

I'm really getting psycho about this, aren't I? Oh well. Everyone needs an obsession. If mine is Chicago Cubs baseball, then so be it. I'm not hurting anyone and it just makes me happy.

Chicago Cubs and Thai food. What a great afternoon.

So I realized today that February is almost over, meaning it has been just over a year since I left my job as a paralegal in order to be an artist. I went back and looked at my blog entries from February of last year, just to see where I was and whatnot. Admittedly, I still have the money worries from time to time. But right before I left my job, I was so excited and had so much potential. Within two weeks, I was panicked, lethargic, and ready to throw in the towel. Almost. And I owe it all to the guy I was dating at the time.

Maybe.

I'd like to be able to take some of the responsibility for my feelings at that time. But the change in me was drastic. Going back and reading February of last year almost made me cry. I don't remember him ever telling me I was beautiful or talented. He never saw me perform. He saw me run tech for two shows, but he never saw me perform. I don't remember him being supportive of my career or even really interested in my life. Maybe at the very beginning in an attempt to impress me, but that didn't last very long. I remember him telling me his stories, often times the same ones, over and over and over again. I remember him telling me how busy he was, but never really asking me to participate in any of it, and never really willing to make time for me. I remember him getting distant. And then it was over. He met someone else. Another redheaded swing dancer. Someone I knew (kind of). She's a great girl; I can't really blame him for wanting to date her. But I'm a great girl, too, and somewhere, you can see it starting in those last two weeks of last February, somewhere, I lost sight of that and I don't know that I found it again yet. I don't have the faith in myself that I had before I started dating him. I don't have the enthusiasm and excitement about my career. I've settled into what is safe.

And I'm angry with him still and that pisses me off even more. I got a random text message from him today, advertising one of his shows and I didn't recognize the number, so I asked who it was and it was him and I was angry. Why the fuck would I want to go support one of his shows? I'm angry that he took my confidence. I'm angry that I let him destroy my self-image. And I'm angry that I never yelled at him or told him what a jackass he was to me. Yes, I let him do all of those things. Yes, I let him get away with it. Yes, I'm a big girl and I'm responsible for my own feelings and I knew at the time that he was a player and I should have been more careful. And I know that there are people out there who are saying, "I warned you, but you didn't want to listen." Even in my journal entries, I say I know he's going to hurt me and he did. And I let him. And he has no fucking right to ask me to come see one of his shows. Why the hell does he even still have my number? I deleted his months ago.

And I think what makes me angriest is I was a really cool person before I met him and I'm not back there yet. It's like starting all over. Rebuilding my faith in my abilities. Rebuilding my sense of self as a desirable, attractive, intelligent woman who people want to be around. I should have been putting together a band a year ago, but I didn't have the confidence in my ability to do so. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I was better than that. I thought I was tougher than that.

So now I have a guy in my life who tells me daily that I'm beautiful and it's different from day to day whether or not I believe him. He treats me really well and I'm not sure I deserve it. And you all are going to tell me that I do and it will be different from day to day whether or not I believe you. And how do I explain to him that I'm not still hung up on the other guy, but it still makes me want to cry when I get a random text message from him because he still makes me feel worthless?

Please don't ever let a boy (or girl) make you feel worthless. You're not. And there's no telling what you'll do, where you'll go, or how hard it will be to get back once you've started down that road. If nothing else, if you need just one little thread to hang onto, please know that you mean a lot to me. I love my readers. I miss you guys when I'm not posting here every day. I need to fix that, I know. But even when I'm not posting daily, I am thinking about you and I love that you come here and read my drivel. Thank you for that. And don't ever let anyone make you feel worthless.

So I'm a little annoyed with the weather people in Chicago. They told me that the worst of the winter weather was over and then today we get a sleet storm. Not quite rain, not quite snow, but very annoying nonetheless.

And there is one particular brand of soy ice cream that makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to be lactose intolerant, 'cuz this stuff, tasty as it is, just doesn't agree with me.

And I shouldn't be allowed to watch the Oscars anymore. At least not until I'm invited to attend. But I love it that the song from Inconvenient Truth won, despite the fact that it was up against three songs from Dreamgirls. That made me happy.

And now to bed. I got an early morning and a long day ahead of me.

And done.

And.

So I need to ask for your help on something.

A couple of years ago, I appeared in a student film for a friend of mine. A really talented filmmaker, this kid. Anyway, he has now submitted it to the reality show "On the Lot," which is like Top Chef or America's Next Top Model or American Idol or whatever, but for filmmakers. I don't know all of the prizes at stake or whatever, but I do know that this guy is a really good filmmaker and he should be in this contest. In order to do that, though, we need a lot of people to go watch this film and leave comments and vote for it and stuff. You can find it here. Watch it. Enjoy it. Love it. Vote for it. Tell all of your friends to vote for it. And with any luck, we'll get it on TV.

Thanks!

Hi.

I only have a minute, but I want to share two things that I am extraordinarily happy about.

One: The outdoor air temperature is above freezing. It had been over three weeks since we'd seen 32 degrees Farenheit or above, and now we're on day two in a row of above freezing weather. All of the weather guys seem to think that the worst of the winter is behind us. We could even see 50 by the weekend. Yay!!!

Two: Spring training has started and they're reporting about baseball on the news. I got to see Mark Prior throw a pitch the other day. And I think it may have even been Mike Barrett catching it. I know I miss baseball when it's not baseball season, but I never realize how much until I see my boys in blue again, on the field, doing what they love to do. It's like seeing my best friend after years of not. All feels right with the world again because the Cubs are playing baseball. Tickets go on sale this Friday! Yay!

Hope you all are well. Gotta run and do some "work."

So happy Valentine's Day!

I'm not used to having a valentine on Valentine's Day. Usually, I don't. Or my mom or my cat or something is my valentine. I'm not used to this being a romantic day at all, so this year, I'm a little confused. Normally, I wear black on Valentine's Day, Just, you know, to wear black. Also because about 90% of my wardrobe is black, white and grey. But today, because of the confusion, I'm wearing a sort of dirty/dusty rose colored shirt, underneath my black death hoodie that has a skull on it. It's the kind of dirty/dusty rose color that a man might wear in some movie that takes place in Mexico, so it's not really that girlie. It's just a color, and I don't normally wear colors. But then we have the black death hoodie on top to counteract the girlieness of the whole ensemble. Still feels a little strange, but I'm going to try it on for a day and see what happens.

And in other news, we had a blizzard here yesterday. Not as bad as in upstate New York, mind you, but apparently a blizzard is defined as a sustained period of time (3 hours or more) with 35+ mph winds and snow. We had that yesterday at the lakefront. And surprisingly, my car was not buried. I went out to it this morning to see how awful it was and it really wasn't awful at all. Not much snow on the actual car, though there was a nice sort of wall built up around it. Fortunately for me, when I got there, the guy behind me was leaving, and he had the end spot on the block. So I dug out my car, "shoveled" aside the snow behind it (I put shoveled in quotes because I don't own a shovel -- I used my hands and the brush thingy that I had been using to wipe the snow off of my car), and backed up into the end space on the block. Meaning when I do actually go to get my car out, hopefully I can just back out and go, instead of having to do the back and forth, gun it over the mound of snow the plows built up next to it thing. But I'm still going to avoid driving as much as I can for the next couple of days. Once I get out of this spot, finding another one could prove to be a challenge.

So yeah, happy Valentine's Day. I love you guys. You know this, yes? Wherever you are, be safe and warm and let everyone you know know that you love them. Today and every day.

I know I've said it before, but I think we all need to readjust our calendars. Seriously, we're off by a month or so. It was in the sixties in December, and here we are in February anticipating a foot of snow. A foot of snow in the middle of February. This seems much more like December or January weather to me. If we all just decided, as a collective, to redo January (because let's face it, this January wasn't all that great to begin with), then our weather would make a lot more sense. And we'd all get an extra paycheck this year. And an extra month to do our taxes. I'm scared to do my taxes this year -- I know they're going to be a mess and I'm either going to end up getting a million dollars back or paying every last cent that I have. I guess I should just do them and get it out of the way, huh?

Wherever you are, I hope you're warm and safe and your taxes aren't scaring you.

I'm an aunt!

Kind of. But not really.

My best friend had her baby yesterday. Happy, healthy, beautiful little girl. My friend is sending me pictures and I have to say, she is especially cute. But then, I always knew she would be. I just wish they didn't live so far away! I can't wait to meet her!

Happy birthday, Sara. Welcome to this crazy world. Your Aunt Kitty loves you very much.

You know what would make me insanely happy? If I had two days in a row wherein I didn't have to do anything. I'm not saying I wouldn't do anything. I would. I'd work on music or sew or play with my cat or hang out with the boy or whatever. But two days in a row without work or shows or rehearsals or what have you. *sigh* Sounds like a luxury to me. Other people call it "weekends."

So this show I'm in opens tonight. Kind of excited. Kind of nervous. I'm hoping the nervous will turn into energy for the closing number. I feel pretty good about the rest of the show; it's just the closing number that has me a little worried. We just got the song about a week ago (if that) and we learned the choreography on Sunday, so if it's not sparkling, that's why. But we should all be able to sell it anyway. We're actors! That's what we do. But yeah, we open tonight. I love opening night in general. All of our hard work starts to pay off.

Wish us luck! Or broken legs, actually.

My heat works. It was 72 degrees in my apartment when I woke up yesterday. It was 76 degrees in my apartment by the time I left for work this morning. Considering it had been between 62 and 64 degrees in my place on any given morning, may I just take a moment to say that I now have the best 8-14 degrees of heat in my apartment ever? I don't know if you realize how big of a temperature change occurs in those 8-14 degrees, but let me tell you, it's wonderful. I'm happy to be at home now, working on stuff, not just curled up under a blanket. Though I do still like to be curled up under blankets with my cat. There is very little in life that is nicer than that.

So yay heat! Oh, and I'm still trying to get used to the "b" word. Gimmie some time and I'll tell you more about it. Maybe.