I am quite possibly the biggest geek in the world. When I went to look at my new apartment, the guy said they might be putting in a dishwasher. I, of course, talked myself out of the idea that I could live in a place so luxurious as to have a dishwasher. I've kind of been in an ookey place for a little while which means I've been spending a lot of time expecting the other shoe to drop or for the bottom to fall out. But when I called today to find out when I can pick up my keys, he told me that they're putting in the dishwasher tomorrow. He said a bunch of other stuff, too, other things that are being upgraded and rehabbed, but all I heard was "dishwasher." See, I love to cook, but I hate doing dishes. Hate it. So much so that I sometimes procrastinate doing them a day longer than I should. But in addition to having more space and more closets and doors that close, I get a dishwasher in my new place. I can cook to my heart's desire, use as many prep bowls as I want, and wash them all in the dishwasher afterward. I went to the store tonight and was looking at Eco-friendly dishwasher detergents, excited to be able to take them for a spin.

It really is a silly thing to get excited about, I know. But sometimes you have to revel in the little victories in life. Like a brand new apartment, complete with dishwasher. Whatever it is that makes you smile so hard you cry is a good thing, yes?

Yes.

Okay, so I know smoking is an addiction. I don't have a very addictive personality, so I don't know that I can fully understand what it feels like to have a nic fit and to need a smoke. I know that.

But what I don't really understand are those people who take an hour lunch break and then take a smoke break on the back end of it. You were just outside, away from your desk for an hour. You couldn't use the last five minutes of your break to have a cigarette? You have to tack an extra five minutes on to it? Even if you were walking somewhere and were running late heading back, couldn't you have your cigarette while you're walking back to the office so as to avoid extending your lunch into the "inappropriate length" territory? And it seems that these are usually the same people who need to take a smoke break twenty minutes before the day is over. Really? You're jonesing that bad that you can't wait twenty minutes until the work day is over? You have to take that one more break with just a few minutes to go?

I don't get it. The only thing I can come up with is that it is laziness and/or it stems from a desire to work as little as possible while at work. Personally, I think it kind of sucks for those of us who don't smoke. I'd love to go take a five or ten minute walk around the block every hour and a half. But unless I was smoking, that would not be considered appropriate.

Anyway.

So real quick and not related to anything.

Blago was found guilty on only one charge. The jury was split on all of the remaining charges, sometimes with a margin of 11-1, sometimes with a greater split.

There is a sound bite of Blago and crew that has been played about three hundred times since the press conference yesterday wherein they talk about how they didn't even put up a defense and the prosecution couldn't prove his guilt.

Be he was also not found not-guilty.

Which means the prosecution planted a big enough seed of doubt in the minds of some jurors that they could not let him walk. Which means there is at least some credibility to the remaining charges. Perhaps if Blago had testified, he would have cleared up those charges and he would have been found not-guilty on the remaining counts. Maybe he would have verified them. But in either case, I don't think a hung jury means a win. I don't think a hung jury is the same as being exonerated. And, the one count they were all able to agree on, they found him guilty. So if it were me, I wouldn't be partying too hard in the Blago camp. You can have all the press conferences you want wherein your lawyers sound like evangelists preaching about how cruel the whole trial process is, but he was found guilty on one count and he was not found guilty or not-guilty on the other ones. You're going to have a lot of work to do to clear his name entirely.

(And yes, I know that in this country, we are innocent until proven guilty, but the fact that the jury could not find him innocent either says something. I'm sorry, but it does.)

Dear You,

Its funny to me in retrospect how many times we talked about how much we didn't want to screw up our friendship. How many times you told me how important it was to you. And how after all of that, you kissed me anyway and we haven't spoken in a year and a half and I know it hasn't even occurred to you that we haven't spoken in a year and a half. I just think that's kind of funny. In the way that makes me really resent movies where these two best friends secretly have crushes on one another and by the end of the movie, they both admit it and they live happily ever after. Because I know it doesn't work that way.

Dear You,

Three times, man. Seriously? Three times! How big of a chump am I? We both admit on three separate occasions, many years apart under different circumstances that we are attracted to one another and then we kiss and you say you'll call and nine months go by and we haven't spoken. My guess is that you're with somebody new because that's what you do, but I had to take you off of my friends list because I honestly just don't want to know.

Dear You,

It's not okay for you to say that you love me. You were awful to me. Granted, I probably wasn't a peach either, but you ditched me because I wasn't cool enough. And now you're going to try to tell me that you've always cared? &#$* that.

Dear You,

I remember being really happy for you when you met your husband, but I knew at the same time that our friendship would then be over. Trust me, if I could have found someone so that it could be a foursome hanging out instead of a threesome, I would have. And I realize it probably wasn't fun to hang out with someone who was bitter about couples in general, but it wasn't really fun to hang out with couples then, either. So we went our separate ways. Do you ever even wonder where I am or what I'm doing now? Maybe I should just man up and say hi, but I'm scared to. I don't think I mean anything to you anymore.

Dear You,

When someone gives you a compliment, you should say, "Thank you." It does not mean said person wants to run off, get married, have babies, or start a cult with you. It's a compliment. That is all.

Dear You,

I secretly hoped we would have a shot and when that time finally came, you took the shot and ran thirty seconds later. You knew me better than anyone and you just plain bolted.

Dear You,

I will always love you. Sometimes, I think that is what I'm here for. My purpose on this planet is to love you, just to show you that there is something good and not everything has to be seedy. But sometimes, I just can't do it. I can't hold my breath for you anymore, especially when I know you're not coming, and the excuses really only make things worse. I love you. I always have and I always will. Sometimes, I'll have to love you from a distance.

Dear You,

I love you probably more than you know. Or maybe you do and you just don't...whatever. I think we shared some things that will keep us tied together forever. And I know I'll never have a shot at being a primary character in your life and that's fine, but it still kills me to see my younger, prettier, more extroverted friends falling in love with you the way we all did at one point or another. I wish you were as interested in being a part of my life as I am in being part of yours. I realize I may have messed a lot of that up a long time ago. But I'm jealous of your life and of those who get to share it with you. I'm sorry about that.

Dear You,

Are you sure we wouldn't work?

Dear Me,

You are amazing. It hurts to say that and it hurts to hear it, but it is true. You are strong and beautiful and there is no one else on this planet like you. You are one of a kind. That is wonderful and beautiful and amazing and really hard. You're doing pretty well, though. You have learned how to survive and you're good at taking care of yourself. Don't forget how to do that. You will someday find someone you want to cast in a leading role, who will be thrilled at the offer and who will give 110% to it. I mean, really, think about it - you've already found a few. I don't know quite how they've managed to hang on through your selfish phases and your moods, but they are and that is such an amazing gift - don't let that go. And yes, there are people who will turn down leading roles, and those who will cast you as a supporting player or in a bit part. That is their choice. It is not a reflection on you. Because those who do get to enter the funhouse that is your life know what an amazing place is truly is. Those who choose not to, choose to miss out.

Hang in there, kid.

So I am, admittedly, not proud of that last entry. I was being petty and trite and egotistical and whiny and for that, I apologize.

I will also admit that I'm having a bit of the "But what's wrong with me?"s lately. A bit of it in connection with the plan that almost happened but is now back at the starting blocks waiting for the next run to start. A bit of it having to do with non-returned phone calls or emails or whatnot. And a large part of it having to do with the fact that I'm just all kinds of off in my regular schedule at the moment. I'm not eating right because I'm moving soon so I don't want to stock my cabinets and it's also been too hot to cook so I'm grabbing what I can when I can. I've not been exercising like I should because it's too hot. I've not been sleeping well because my dreams keep reminding me of all of the things in my daily life that are wonky at the moment. I'm just kind of restless and antsy and ready for something to be different (which it will be in about two weeks when I move) and I'm feeling like a whale even though I'm not necessarily looking like a whale and whatever. I just kind of feel icky at the moment.

But I made this movie ten years ago, and in honor of the ten year anniversary of the filming, the director has been posting links to where all of the chapters of the film are posted online. And I went back and watched my parts of the film. I have to say, I'm good at this. I was good back then. I'm still good now. And I went to these two auditions this weekend knowing I could do whatever they asked me to do and now I get to sit and wait and see if they call me back and if they don't, is it because I look wrong with the leading guy they like or is it because I'm not sure how much potential nudity I'm comfortable with on stage or is it simply because I'm going to be out of town at a trade show for a couple of days in the middle of the rehearsal process? I don't know. And I won't know. I just have to keep going out there and auditioning for stuff to get my thick skin back. Because I am good at this. I am really good at this. I am fun to work with and I am creative and I am invested in every character I play in every situation that character finds herself in and I am open to whatever sort of direction they want me to take. I am good at this. And I am much more attractive than the current picture of me in my head would imply. I need to remember those things. There is plenty that is odd about me, but nothing so odd that I can't get a job or make friends or anything like that.

That being said, I'm still really looking forward to moving. I was packing up the clothes from my closet last night and realizing that I haven't worn most of that stuff in about a year, so maybe it is time to trade that stuff in and get new clothes that feel more like me. Even if it means having fewer garments for a little while (which means more frequent laundry), I think it might be time to upgrade my wardrobe. I'm ready for change in my life, and I am of the opinion that drastic can be a good thing.

So I know there are men out there who are interested in me. I know this because they have told me. And I know that there are men out there who are interested in me who I am not interested in who are kind of beating themselves up because they are still interested after I said, "Thank you, but no."

But I tell the guy I am interested in that I am interested in him and he shuts down all communication for three weeks (and counting). I can't go pester him and say, "Um, did you hear what I said?" because that would be pathetic and sad. And frankly, if this guy isn't the kind of guy who can say, "Thank you, but no," within three weeks and has to avoid me completely instead, he's not the sort of guy I'm interested in anymore. Right? That's sad. It's sad that a man older than me hasn't figured out how to gracefully turn someone down and has to resort to the avoidance technique instead.

And what is really sad about it is there are men who would like to be with me who are looking to that guy saying, "You're a frickin' idiot," because that guy has chosen to avoid me completely when they would give their left arm to be in his shoes. Why can't I ever get it to line up that the men I'm interested in are interested in me, too, and the other way around? What's with that?

I've been trying really hard to not let things get to me the way they used to and for the most part, I've been doing okay. But then someone comes along and proves to me that yes, there are people out there who are just that dumb, and it hurts my face. It makes my brain want to cry.

So hey, dude? That email you sent asking for clarification on one I sent you? Read my second bullet point. See, I sent details on four different subjects and made each one its own bullet point so you'd know they were different subjects. That's what bullet points are. And in the second bullet point, I tell you what the attachment is and why I'm sending it. So, you see, it is completely unnecessary for you to send me an email a week later asking what the attachment is and why I'm sending it. I already told you. It's right there. Just read a little further down. Not skim - read. See it? There ya go. Right there. Get it? It's really not that confusing when you read it and I say, "I'm sending the attached so you know..." I'm not trying to trick you or confuse things. That's why I gave each subject it's own bullet point. Get it? Make sense?

I sometimes wish it was appropriate to send back responses like that, but I know it's not. So I responded by trying again to clarify what I had already spelled out in very simple language. Maybe this goes back to my whole "I write at the level of a college graduate" thing. Though I bet this guy makes significantly more money than I do, so if he can't read at a college graduate level... He did also ask if it was okay to alter a trademark. I'll just let you sit with that one for a minute.

Thank goodness its Friday.

I am in the process of putting my life in a box. Well, many boxes, actually. I am putting everything that I own into boxes that will be moved approximately one mile south and reopened in a brand new space to start a brand new chapter. I thought about a much larger move, but the stars were not in alignment for that one. And I thought about a smaller move, but I think I found the move that feels just right.

It's funny to put so much emphasis on a move. And it's funny to put everything you own into boxes, only to take everything back out again a couple of weeks later. But for me, this is exciting. My current place has always had a bit of a weird vibe because of events that occurred the first week I lived there and because of other events that happened in the four-ish years since. But the new place gets to start with all new vibes. All good vibes, I hope. I get to put my life into boxes that will be moved approximately one mile south to a bigger space where I get to build a new home for me and my cat. I get to start over with deciding where things go and how to decorate. I get to clean things out and get rid of excesses. I get to make myself a home that is comforting and welcoming and full of the things that I love. It's like going from the being a caterpillar, through the cocoon bit, to being a butterfly. In my new home, I will blossom and fly away.

Or something.

I know, I'm being silly. But you think about these things as you wrap twelve glasses in newspaper that you've not used in the past four years. And you think, "In my new place, I can keep these in a cabinet so they don't get dusty and won't that be nice?" And you think, "I could set up my AeroGarden in the pantry so I can have fresh veggies, but the light cycle won't be so annoying." And you think, "I get hardwood floors that are easily cleaned of cat hair with a simple swipe of the Swiffer." And you think, "I'll have the sort of closet where I can see all of my clothes at the same time without having to dig through to the back row." And you think, "I can get rid of a bunch of the junk in my closet that I don't need anymore." And these are all wonderful, happy, warm thoughts. Really happy thoughts.

I'm excited for the end of the month. I'm excited for moving day. I'm excited to build a new home.

So I'm wearing this two-piece body shaper thing today because I'm wearing a dress that is just clingy enough to be unflattering in certain areas on certain days and since I am rather desperate to do laundry, I had to wear it, but I thought I would try to smooth out some of the lumps and bumps. And I have to say, this two piece body shaper thing sucks. It does nothing to smooth out the lumps and bumps, takes no inches off of my waist or hips, and tends to either ride up or roll down in the general waist area, depending on if it is the top piece or bottom piece. I'm tempted to just remove the whole thing and deal with the lumps and bumps as they occur naturally, but there is a strange sort of comfort in wearing extra undergarments. And I'm kind of cold today, so the extra layer is nice.

But I've seen the commercials for this particular two piece body shaper thing where they're in a store and they have a large-ish woman try one on and she magically loses two sizes! I wasn't expecting to lose two sizes when I put this thing on - I'm not that big to begin with. But I thought maybe it would squeeze my hips down a half an inch or something. Nope. Nothing. And I have to wonder if it is because I'm not that large to begin with that what little needs to be shaped is too stubborn for this fabric. I dunno.

In either case, I've started exercising again. Lifting weights at home and doing a bit of running. I'm tempted to try to get into good enough shape to try one of those really insane workout program things like PX90 or Insanity. But I think I'd need to work on my stamina a bit first or I'll burn out in the first week and give up. Maybe once I'm in my new apartment, I'll give one of those a go.

I feel different today. I am almost 100% sure that nobody else can tell I feel different today, but I do.

I had a plan. I accomplished my goals. I did what I set out to do. The other parties involved gave me bad information, so I went back to my original goals and set a plan to try again. There is a lot of power in that.

There are certain things that have to change in the meantime. I need to find a different apartment. The one I'm in started out with bad vibes almost four years ago, plus the heat problems, plus the fact that the maintenance people don't understand that when they go in to fix something, they're going into a person's home that should be treated with respect. So I need to find a different apartment. And I need to shift my attitude towards my day job. It is a job. It does not and should not creep into every other aspect of my life. I am at my job from about 7:30am-4:45pm Monday through Friday. The rest of my time should not be spent thinking about my day job. If it cannot be done during working hours, it does not need to take my personal time in order to complete it. It will just take longer.

I think that is the big shift. The big difference. I am an artist with a day job. I am not a marketing person who acts and plays music. It's not a difference that most people can see, but I feel different today. And that's a good thing.

Rabbit, rabbit. Happy August.

So it's been kind of a rough weekend. Some of you know what I'm talking about and some of you don't and I don't want to go into too much detail, so I'll paint a picture for you.

Imagine you enter a contest where the grand prize is a Ferrari. Fully loaded, sleek, perfect condition. So you enter this contest and it's not just a "put your name in a hat" kind of contest, you have to write something and whoever writes the best essay wins the car. And you work really hard on your essay and think it's really good and other people think it's really good and you hand it in and wait and wait and wait and you get a phone call from the contest people saying, "You won! We'll be sending the 2006 Toyota Camry over next week." And you think to yourself, "Camry? But I was trying to win a Ferrari?" But a Camry isn't a bad car, per se, and is perhaps more suited to your style than the Ferrari was anyway, so you say sure, send it on over. And when it arrives, it has a payment schedule with it, rust on the hood, and is lime green. You didn't win a car; they sold you a car - a used car - and expect lots of money for it. Now. And you start to scramble thinking, "Can I afford a car payment right now?" You were prepared to pay the taxes on your prize and everything, but a full on car payment starting this month? And you look into car loans and talk to your bank and talk to other banks and you realize that you could do it, but it would really be more of an inconvenience than you bargained for and since you'd be saddling yourself to a car payment, you wouldn't be able to save up to try again for the Ferrari next year or buy a different car on your own or take that vacation you were planning for later in the year. So you decide that you're going to send the Camry back and say, "This wasn't what I signed up for. I'd rather write another essay next year and try again to win the Ferrari."

I decided to try again next year for the Ferrari.

It's sad that I walk away from this whole contest with no prize, but I did learn a lot from the process that should help me next time around. And the next time around will start very soon, so there's not a lot of waiting to happen. There is the mild embarrassment of telling everyone who knows I won a car that I really didn't (this is a metaphor, you realize), but I think most people would empathize with this situation and understand my ultimate decision. I do need to take this experience and use it as motivation for the coming year instead of getting sad about it. On the one hand, I won. I was all set to take on my prize and the responsibilities of owning a Ferrari - the insurance, the security measures I'd have to take, a lot of people would be scared and intimidated by such a thing, but I was not. I was 110% ready to do it. I'd just rather have the Ferrari than a used Camry. If I'm going to dream, I'm going to dream about the Ferrari, not the Camry, and if this whole process was about following my dreams...I'm glad I'm not selling my dreams short. I'm better than low-hanging fruit. I can do better than that.

So back to my regularly scheduled life tomorrow. I am going to look for a different apartment - I don't want to go through another winter of freezing my butt off. And I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with my other annoyances as best I can, or look into another way to change or lessen them in the coming year. This is not a loss - I won a car. It just turned out to not be the car for me, so I'm not going to take this one in the hopes that a better one comes along in the future. And I still have my Mitsubishi in the mean time that does get me from point A to point B just fine. So that's a good thing.

Happy August.